Sunday, April 18, 2010

CMA Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Listen to Country Music

I don't listen to country music, but that's not going to stop me from making some predictions for the CMA's. So put on your cowboy hat, back your F-250 into a parking spot at your nearest honky tonk and enjoy the biggest night in country music!

Entertainer of the Year

Keith Urban – This is a perfect example of bad marketing. Do you think that there’s any chance that a CMA goes to a singer from Australia with the last name Urban? Nope, never gonna happen.

Kenny Chesney – Apparently everybody likes this guy. With his cowboy hats, wife beaters and a questionable relationship with Peyton Manning, he’s a southern version of Brody Jenner.

Brad Paisley – A little too gay to be accepted in the heartland.

George Strait – Always in contention. The Meryl Streep of country music.

Taylor Swift – Rumor has it that there is extra security on hand to keep an eye out for Kanye West, so an acceptance speech is definitely being anticipated.

Carrie Underwood – I would say that having been on American Idol should disqualify her, but then I remembered that this is the CMA’s and not the Academy Awards.

Zac Brown Band - I just saw that these guys are playing at Bonnaroo. I think that formally disqualifies them from contention under CMA rule.

Toby Keith – Conservative? Check. Loves America? Check. Cowboy hat? Check. I think we have our winner.

Toby Keith is not going to be happy when he finds out that the Dixie Chick got drunk and pissed in his American flag guitar at this year's CMA's.

Top Male Vocalist of the Year

Kenny Chesney – Nominated for his new hit song S-E-C! S-E-C!

Brad Paisley – According to Wikipedia he opened for The Judds, Ricky Skaggs and George Jones as a teenager. Now he sings songs with titles like I’m Gonna Miss Her (The Fishin’ Song). My friends, that is what I would call the perfect resume.

Darius RuckerHootie? Seriously? He got a top male vocalist nomination in addition to the $250 grand prize that he won for beating out Bobby Brown on that Gone Country reality show? WTF?

Keith Urban – Still too Australian.

George Strait – Dallas Cowboys legend Bill Bates just told the story of how Strait sang Happy Birthday to him at the opening event at the new Cowboy Stadium. That’s how you silently lobby for CMA votes in the south.

And the winner is…..Garth Brooks!

Top Female Vocalist of the Year

Miranda Lambert – I thought she was an actress.

Reba McEntire – The Robert DeNiro of country music.

Taylor Swift - "I'm sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time."

Carrie Underwood – Apparently she’s dating a hockey player. If true, that relationship would be the only successful result of NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s vision to expand hockey to the south.

Lee Ann Womack – Her career is recovering nicely after the affair she had with Roger Clemens as a teenager.

Top Vocal Group of the Year

Little Big Town – I may or may not have watched these guys play at a local dive bar the other night for a $2 cover charge...

Randy Rogers Band – These guys opened for Little Big Town.

Rascal Flatts – Still riding a wave of success after being the 8th group to remake Tom Cochrane’s Life is a Highway. Way to make it your own Rascal.

Zac Brown Band – These guys aren't even attending the CMA's. I'm not even going to to watch the CMA's.

Lady Antebellum – This is an easy choice to win. I keep seeing articles about this group in the paper. Quite simply, if you’re big enough to get a colored pie chart in the “purple section” of USA Today, then you’re good enough to win the CMA for Group of the Year.

Top Vocal Duo of the Year

Brooks & Dunn – Apparently a group can break up and still be nominated for Duo of the Year.

Joey + Rory – Bravely campaigning for gay marriage in the deep south.

Steel Magnolia – Movies shouldn't be allowed to qualify as CMA nominees.

Sugarland –They did a stirring rendition of Love Shack by the B-52’s…if stirring means awful. The girl in the group might not be able to sing, but at least she is an aficionado of low cut t-shirts.

Montgomery Gentry – A shoe in to win. They have the perfect combination of clichĂ© song titles, cowboy hats and goatees.

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