The Big Brother 17 Blog - "I'm just going to wrap these legs around this pole and hang on for dear life"

 

A new season of Big Brother is upon us, and we have a new waive of racist and sexist house guests ready to make asses of themselves on national TV.

Better yet, host Connie Chung isn't pregnant this year, and she's looking hotter than ever...That Maury Povich is a lucky man!

Upon entering the house, Shelli immediately fell in love with Clay, despite the fact that she's ten years older than him.

Clay took a liking back saying, "There's a lot of hot women in the house, but Shelli absolutely takes the cake.

Shelli Poole is old enough to be the mom of the underage girls that Clay Honeycutt might have fucked on spring break at South Padre Island. 

However, as part of the season's "Twin Twist," we'll see how Shelli likes it when Clay tries to start making out with her sister. Then again, maybe it's Shelli' sister that Clay is in lust with...Thanks Big Brother, consider my mind blown.

Da'Vonne lied to the house and told everyone that she was a school teacher instead of a poker dealer...As if anyone would be intimidated by a card dealer. Not a poker PLAYER, but a fucking DEALER.

In a more honest note, Caitlyn, I mean Audrey, told her house mates that she's transgendered.

I'm a sucker for girls in glasses, so let's just say I'm glad I'm not on the show...Audrey Middleton makes me all confused and stuff!

Meanwhile, as the dudes all talked about how much they bench pressed, the girls, Audrey, Shelli, Meg and Da'Vonne formed an all girl alliance.

Before the second half of the house arrived, Connie Chung announced that the house guests would be competing in the first HOH Competition given that the "Battle of the Block," with four initial nominees for eviction, would be in play for the second year in a row.

The HOH theme was a fake red carpet event for a fake movie called "UFO-Oh-No!"

The actual competition had the house guests try to catch ten "rotten tomatoes" (or balls) while balancing on a plank in order to become the first HOH.

In a photo finish with the last four players falling at the same time, James ended up winning the first HOH of the season.

Connie Chung then revealed the new twist to the show, a weekly "Big Brother Takeover," which seems to involve either a past player or famous person coming into the house to temporarily mix things up with rules of their own.

On that note, the second wave of house guests arrived.

The best of which was John, the self dubbed "Rock star dentist," who can best be described as being similar to the "retarted" (the "t" was intentional) clone of Brian from the Family Guy.

"With the way he talks, Johnny Mac of Big Brother reminds me of "Bitch Brian" from Family Guy. 

Like all "retarts," John was a little bit self unaware, and just a little bit full of himself. Or as he said, "It's really hard to find a girl who's not a gold digger once you say you're a dentist."

For some reason, Da'Vonne didn't believe John when he said he was a dentist, while Clay thought Steve was Ian Terry's long lost twin, which obviously added some much needed distrust into the house and game.

However, it was Vanessa who lied, claiming that she was a D.J. instead of a poker player...You know, because she REALLY wanted everybody to initially hate her.

More importantly, after everyone moved in and did a "get to know you" round table, there were still two unaccounted seats.

That's when the initial "Big Brother Takeover" took place, with The Amazing Race host Phil Koeghan taking control of the game.

And since The Amazing Race took several Big Brother contests on their show, Phil gave Big Brother two of his former Amazing Race players....Jeff (an account executive), and Jackie (a former stripper), who were a "blind date" team on his show last season.

With that bomb, we moved on to the HOH for the new contestants, with Vanessa agreeing to sit out.  That selfless act caused the other house guests all agree not to nominate her no matter who won.

The Competition itself involved cornfields and aliens in a Hee-Haw like atmosphere, with the the players trying to hold onto a post without getting sucked up by a "UFO," or a harness that was attached to their backs.

Jackie made no attempt to hide the fact that she was a stripper.

"I just need to basically use these legs I've been using my entire life as a dancer. I'm just going to wrap these legs around this pole and hang on for dear life."

Upon further review, Jackie Ibarra of The Amazing Race and Big Brother was not a stripper, it was worse...she was a dancer form the Miami Heat...My apologies to any strippers I may have offended. 

With many of the contestants purposefully dropping out to keep the target off of their backs, Jackie ended up taking a deal from Jason to drop off in return for him agreeing not to nominate her, which gave Jason co-HOH honors along with James, the Asian Redneck.