Saturday, February 25, 2017

NASCAR Predictions from a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Racin' - "At least Tony Stewart can finally say that he won a fight!"

The NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this week, starting the anticipation for the biggest race of the year. So stock up on some Winston Lights, toilet paper and Boudreux Butt Paste before your local Winn Dixie runs out of these life essentials for the weekend!

Say what you want about NASCAR, but there's no doubting the positive economic impact that it brings to communities like Daytona Beach. Rockingham, Talladega and Bristol, with over 100,000 rabid fans coming to town on the weekends that Alabama doesn't play football! 

I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from picking up a limited edition hunter's case of Busch beer that comes in them fancy orange cans, Googling "Danica Patrick naked," and predicting the Sprint Cup results!

I'm looking forward to the release of  Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.'s first sextape, "ASSCAR - The Ballad of Ricky's Boobies.

Some may say that NASCAR's popularity has dropped in recent years, but fuck that, Trump is our new President, so we can clearly consider those reports "fake news"!

With that said, how will this season play out? Let's take a look!

(Who the Top 10 finishers in the Sprint Cup will be, and why)

10. Darrell Wallace, Jr. - As part of their Race for Diversity program, NASCAR should be trying to push a team owner like Randy Moss and a young and upcoming African-American driver this year. 

And if they're serious about remedying their history of discrimination, they'll employ some type of "affirmative action" and give Darrell Wallace, Jr. a slight advantage over the other drivers when it comes to his car. 

That would allow Wallace to assume the role of a heel (pro wrestling style) as he makes "Black Lives Matter" speeches and takes a knee during "Dixie" whenever he wins a race. 

9. Tony Stewart - Tony Stewart is no stranger to overcoming adversity, but he's never been able to overcome the guilt of knowing that he intentionally killed racer Kevin Ward on the track when Ward tragically tried to fight Stewart's truck. On the the plus side, Stewart and his fans can finally say that he won one of the fights he was in.

Now that he's quit NASCAR's Dirt Track Series, Tony Stewart has announced that he plans to team with sponsor John Deere to launch a new NASCAR series aimed at slightly more educated fans in untapped markets like Ohio. 

8. Kurt Busch - Speaking of fights, NASCAR recently suspended Kurt Busch for smashing his ex-girlfriend's head against the wall of his motor home. As the old saying goes, "You can take the boy out of the trailer, but his girl has to stay home and cook him his Hamburger Helper if she don't want to get the CTS!"

7. Jeff Gordon - Everybody is making a big deal about gay athletes coming out, yet nobody ever mentions NASCAR's groundbreaking gay ambassador, Jeff Gordon, a/k/a, "The Rainbow Warrior."

It had to be embarrassing for a "macho" driver like Brad Keselowski when Jeff Gordon got so pissed off at his driving that he bitch slapped him after a race in Texas.

6. Brad Keselowski - The best thing about Brad Keselowski having Miller Light as his sponsor is that he's no stranger to drinking their stupid juice and talking to the press even though his family, his race team, and NASCAR's President all staged an intervention asking him not to drink and speak in public.

Indy drivers drink a bottle of milk after winning the Indy 500, NASCAR drivers like Brad Keselowski slam pitchers of beer while the race...That is why Europe is still, and will always be better than the United States. 

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - With NASCAR's new rules for qualifying for The Chase to the Sprint Cup favoring drivers who actually win races, it looks like it will be another disappointing year for Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Jr.

At this point, I don't think there's anything you could tell me about the stupidity of a NASCAR fan that would shock me...In fact, I heard that after finishing a race and seeing this Dale Jr. six-pack tattoo, Brad Keselowski was so desperate for a beer that he licked this guy's stomach.

4. Austin Dillon - Team owner Richard Childress giving NASCAR's sacred #3 to his grandson Austin Dillon is kind of like Childress giving Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s car to an undeserving Dale Jr. just so he could keep sales and marketing going.

Austin Dillon, looking pretty in pink: Let's just say that NASCAR has become less about your ability to drive, and more about about what your name and how you look...and that's really pissing racing purists like Danica Patrick off!

3. Clint Bowyer - Confirming the argument that NASCAR drivers are not even remotely close to being athletes, Clint Bowyer noted how he doesn't work out at the gym because, and I quote, "Those weights are heavy," which is probably why they're called "weights."

If legendary driver Dick Trickle could race while smoking, I'm pretty sure that NASCAR drivers aren't athletes. 

Bowyer made news a few years back by asking a confused foreign reporter if they had rednecks in Europe after he was asked about his comment that he was going to "Redneck it up" after a big win.

After the reporter got Bowyer's definition of what a redneck was, the reporter responded by saying that Germany did have people like that, but they were considered "less intelligent" than the people in the rest of his country.

That caused Bowyer to exclaim, "That's us!"

2. Jimmie Johnson - As somebody who's into nutrition and has ran a marathon the last few years before kicking off the Daytona 500, Jimmie Johnson is the opposite of Clint Boyer and Tony Stewart. Sure a woman beat him in the marathon, but that should only help prepare him for the final result of this year's Sprint Cup standings...

1. Danica Patrick - Speaking of which, you know that Danica Patrick is ready to race when she forcefully grabbed Kevin Hamlin and confronted him for spinning her out in what was only a Daytona 500 qualifying race. Of course, Hamlin blamed the incident on her for having a "loose rear end," which clearly means that Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. needs to challenge him to a fight in order to defend her honor.

By the way, Danica's run as the Go Daddy girl is getting a bit old. Can't we find her a more appropriate sponsor like The View, Midol, or possibly IKEA?

Mamograph: Danica Patrick is not backing down in this male dominated industry. In fact, her motto is "anything you can do, I can do better!"

And last but not least, if this isn't an annual tradition to kick of the NASCAR season, it should be!

This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or for that matter, any evangelical church.


  1. Get off your high horse, you dick head.

    1. Easy there Tony Stewart, don't get pissed at me because I have more horse power than you do!