Saturday, February 25, 2017

2017 NASCAR Predictions from a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Racin' - "At least Tony Stewart can finally say that he won a fight!"

The 2017 NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this week, starting the anticipation for the biggest race of the year, so stock up on Bush Light, toilet paper and butt paste before your local Winn Dixie runs out of the essentials for living!

Say what you want about NASCAR, but there's no doubting the positive economic impact it brings to communities like Daytona Beach, when over 100,000 rabid fans come to town a couple of weekends a year just to watch the races...Roll Damn Tide!

I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from picking up a limited edition hunting case of Busch beer that comes in them fancy orange cans, Googling "Danica Patrick naked," and predicting the 2017 Sprint Cup results.

I'm looking forward to the release of  Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.'s first sextape, "ASSCAR - The Ballad of Ricky's Boobies.

Some say that NASCAR's popularity has dropped in recent years, but fuck that, Trump is our new President, so we can clearly consider those reports "fake news"!

With that said, how will this season play out? Let's take a look!

(Who the Top 10 finishers in the 2015 Sprint Cup will be, and why)

10. Darrell Wallace, Jr. - As part of their "Race for Diversity" program, NASCAR should be trying to push a team owner like Randy Moss and a young and upcoming African-American driver this year. 

And if they're serious about remedying their history of discrimination, they'll employ some type of affirmative action and give Darrell Wallace, Jr. a slight advantage over the other drivers when it comes to his car. 

That way Wallace can play the role of a wresting heel, making black power speeches to the angry crowds every time he wins, and telling all the other drivers how much their wives and girlfriends want him. Let's call that team "Reparations Racing."

9. Tony Stewart - Tony Stewart is no stranger to overcoming adversity, but he's never been able to overcome the guilt of knowing that he intentionally killed racer Kevin Ward on the track when Ward tried to fight Stewart's truck. On the the plus side, Stewart and his fans can finally say that he won a fight.

Now that he's quit NASCAR's Dirt Track Series, Steward has announced plans that he will now be teaming with John Deere to launch a new NASCAR series aimed at a slightly less educated audience.

8. Kurt Busch - Speaking of fights, just this Friday, NASCAR announced that Kurt Busch would be suspended indefinitely for smashing his ex-girlfriends head against the wall of his motor home last September. As the old saying goes, "You can take the boy out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the park."

7. Jeff Gordon - Everybody is making a big deal about gay athletes coming out, yet nobody ever mentions NASCAR's gay ambassador, a/k/a, "The Rainbow Warrior."

Rainbow warrior or not, Jeff Gordon is still less gay than Tony Stewart. 

So it had to be embarrassing for a macho driver like Brad Keselowski when Gordon finally got so pissed off at his driving that he bitch slapped him after a race in Texas last year.

6. Brad Keselowski - The best thing about Brad Keselowski having Miller Light as his sponsor is that he's no stranger to drinking their stupid juice and talking to the press even though his family, his race team, and NASCAR's President all staged an intervention asking him not to speak in public.

Indy drivers drink a bottle of milk after winning the Indy 500, NASCAR drivers like Brad Keselowski slam pitchers of beer...That seems about right.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - With NASCAR's new rules for qualifying for The Chase to the Sprint Cup favoring drivers who actually win races, it looks like it will be another disappointing year for Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Jr.

At this point, I don't think there's anything you could tell me about the stupidity of a NASCAR fan that would shock me...In fact, I heard that after finishing a race and seeing this Dale Jr. six-pack tattoo, Brad Keselowski was so desperate for a beer that he licked this guy's stomach.

4. Austin Dillon - Team owner Richard Childress giving NASCAR's sacred #3 to his grandson, Austin Dillon, is kind of like Childress giving Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s car to an undeserving Dale Jr. just to keep sales and interest in the team alive.

Austin Dillon, looking pretty in pink: Let's just say that NASCAR has become less about your ability to drive, and more about about what your name is and how you look, and that's pissing purists like Danica Patrick off. 

3. Clint Bowyer - Confirming the argument that NASCAR drivers are not even remotely close to being athletes, Clint Bowyer noted how he doesn't work out at the gym because, and I quote, "Those weights are heavy," which is probably why they're called "weights."

If legendary driver Dick Trickle could race while smoking, I'm pretty sure that NASCAR drivers aren't athletes. 

Bowyer made news a few years back by asking a foreign reporter if they had rednecks in Europe after talking about how he was going to "Redneck it up" after a big win.

After the confused reporter got Bowyer's definition of what a redneck was, the reporter responded by saying that Germany had people like that, but they were considered less intelligent than the people in the rest of his country.

That caused Bowyer to exclaim, "That's us!"

2. Jimmie Johnson - As somebody who's into nutrition and has ran a marathon the last few years before kicking off the Daytona 500, Jimmie Johnson is the opposite of Clint Boyer and Tony Stewart. Sure a woman beat him in the marathon, but that should only help prepare him for the final result of this year's Sprint Cup standings.

1. Danica Patrick - You know that Danica Patrick is ready to race when she forcefully grabbed Kevin Hamlin and confronted him for spinning her out in what was only a Daytona 500 qualifying race. Of course, Hamlin blamed the incident on her for having a "loose rear end," which clearly means that Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. needs to challenge him to a fight in order to defend her honor.

By the way, Danica's run as the Go Daddy girl is getting a bit old. Can't we find her a more appropriate sponsor like The View, IKEA, or Midol?
Mamograph: Danica Patrick is not backing down in this male dominated industry. In fact, she says "anything you can do, I can do better!"

And last but not least, if this isn't an annual tradition to kick of the NASCAR season, it should be!

This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or for that matter, any evangelical church.