NASCAR Predictions from a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Racin' - At least Tony Stewart can finally say that he won a fight!

The NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this- week, starting the anticipation for the biggest race of the year. So stock up on some Winston Lights, toilet paper and Boudreux Butt Paste before your local Winn Dixie-Land runs out of these life essentials for the weekend!

Say what you want about NASCAR, but there's no doubting the positive economic impact that it brings to communities like Daytona Beach. Rockingham, Talladega and Bristol, with over 100,000 rabid fans coming to town on the weekends that Alabama doesn't play football! 

I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from picking up a limited edition hunter's case of Busch beer that comes in them fancy orange cans, Googling "Danica Patrick naked," and predicting the Sprint Cup results!

I'm looking forward to the release of  Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.'s first sextape, "ASSCAR - The Ballad of Ricky's Boobies." 

Some may say that NASCAR's popularity has dropped in recent years, but fuck that, Trump is our new President, so we can clearly consider those reports as "fake news"!

With that said, how will this season play out? Let's take a look!

POLE POSITION

(Who the Top 10 finishers in the Sprint Cup will be, and why)

10. Darrell Wallace, Jr. - As part of their Race for Diversity program, NASCAR should be trying to push a team owner like Randy Moss and a young and upcoming African-American driver this year. 

And if they're serious about remedying their history of discrimination, they'll employ some type of "affirmative action" and give Darrell "Bubba" Wallace, Jr. a slight restrictor plate advantage over the other drivers when it comes to his car. 

That would allow Wallace to assume the role of a heel (pro wrestling style) as he makes "Black Lives Matter" speeches and takes a knee during our new national anthem, "I Wish I Was in Dixie," or as both female and male southerners like to say, "I Wish The Dixie Was In Me."

I swear to the almighty Donald J. Trump that I wrote this blog post three years before this actually happened...My only edit was adding this photo of Bubba Wallace and his "Black Lives Matter" car and this caption.

9. Tony Stewart - Tony Stewart is no stranger to overcoming adversity, but he's never been able to overcome the guilt of knowing that he intentionally killed a racer on the track when Kevin Ward charged the dirt track and tragically tried to fight Stewart's truck. On the the plus side, Stewart and his fans can finally say that he won a fight!

Now that he's quit NASCAR's Dirt Track Series, Tony Stewart has announced that he plans to team with sponsor John Deere to launch a new NASCAR series aimed at slightly more educated fans in untapped markets like Ohio. 

8. Kurt Busch - Speaking of fights, NASCAR recently suspended Kurt Busch for smashing his ex-girlfriend's head against the wall of his motor home. As the old saying goes, "You can take the boy out of the trailer, but his girl has to stay home and cook him some Hamburger Helper if she don't wanna to get the CTS!"

7. Jeff Gordon - Everybody is making a big deal about gay athletes coming out, yet nobody ever mentions NASCAR's groundbreaking gay ambassador, Jeff Gordon, a/k/a, "The Rainbow Warrior."

It had to be embarrassing for a "macho" driver like Brad Keselowski when a gay "athlete" like Jeff Gordon got so pissed off at his driving that he bitch slapped him after a race in Texas.

6. Brad Keselowski - The best thing about Brad Keselowski having Miller Light as his sponsor is that he's no stranger to drinking the stupid juice and talking to the press even though his family, race team, and NASCAR's President all staged an intervention asking him not to speak to the media after he gets done drinking and and racin'.

Indy drivers drink a bottle of milk after winning the Indy 500, while NASCAR drivers like Brad Keselowski slam pitchers of beer before the race...And that is why Europe is, and always be more sophisticated than the United States. 

5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - With NASCAR's new qualifying rules for The Chase to the Sprint Cup favoring drivers who actually win races, it looks like it will be another disappointing year for Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Jr.

I heard that after finishing a race and seeing this Dale Jr. six-pack tattoo, Brad Keselowski was so desperate for a beer that he licked this guy's stomach!

4. Austin Dillon - Team owner Richard Childress giving NASCAR's sacred #3 to his grandson Austin Dillon is kind of like Childress giving Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s car to an undeserving Dale Jr. just so he could keep sales and marketing going.

Austin Dillon, looking pretty in pink: Let's just say that NASCAR has become less about your ability to drive, and more about about your name and how you look...and that's really pissing racing purists like Danica Patrick off!

3. Clint Bowyer - Confirming the argument that NASCAR drivers are not even remotely close to being athletes, Clint Bowyer noted how he doesn't work out at the gym because (and I quote), "Those weights are heavy," which is exactly why they're called "weights."

If legendary driver Dick Trickle could race while smoking, I'm pretty sure that NASCAR drivers aren't athletes. 

Bowyer made news a few years back by asking a confused foreign reporter if they had rednecks in Europe after he was asked about his comment that he was going to "Redneck it up" after a big win.

After the reporter got Bowyer's definition of what a redneck was, the reporter responded by saying that Germany did have people like that, but they were considered "less intelligent" than the people in the rest of his country.

That caused Bowyer to exclaim, "That's us!"

2. Jimmie Johnson - As somebody who's into nutrition and has run a marathon the last few years before kicking off the Daytona 500, Jimmie Johnson is the polar opposite of Clint Boyer and Tony Stewart. Sure, a woman may have beat him in the marathon, but that should only help prepare him for the final result of this year's Sprint Cup standings.

 

1. Danica Patrick - Speaking of which, you know that Danica Patrick is ready to race when she forcefully grabbed Kevin Hamlin and confronted him for spinning her out in what was only a Daytona 500 qualifying race. Of course, Hamlin victim blamed Patrick for the incidentclaiming she had a "loose rear end." That leads me to wonder whether Patrick's boyfriend, Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., needs to challenge Hamlin to a fight considering he's the one who is the likely cause of any loosening that is going on in Danica's rear end. 

By the way, Danica's run as the Go Daddy girl is getting a bit old. Can't we find her a more appropriate sponsor like The View, Midol, or possibly IKEA?

Mamograph: Danica Patrick is not backing down in this male dominated industry. In fact, she's reversing traditional NASCAR gender roles!"

And last but not least, if this isn't an annual tradition to kick of the NASCAR season, it should be!

This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or for that matter, any evangelical church.

The Bachelor Blog - "My heart is in my ass now!"

The new season of The Bachelor is upon us, which means that we have thirty new girls looking for a "forever home."

Unfortunately, the stakes are high, as only one girl will ultimately get adopted. A few may live on for a few more seasons to reproduce on Bachelor in Paradise, but the rest will immediately get put down by The Bachelor's resident veterinarian, Jorge, who sometimes moonlights as a bartender.

This year's bachelor is Nick Viall. As we all know, Nick began his journey as an aspiring fame whore under the guise of being a salesperson from Chicago during Andi Dorfman's season of The Bachelorette.

While I'll not hide my opinion that this season's star Nick Viall is a complete douche, at least he's more personable than recent stars, FarmersOnly.com spokesman Chris Soules, and that guy named "Ben." 

Nick obtained official villain status when he blabbed to America that he had sex with Andi in the "Fantasy Suite" before she ultimately announced that she was choosing Josh Murray instead of him.

That turned out to be the show's bitter bitch moment that has not even been rivaled by any of it's emotionally unstable and drunk female contestants.

Since then, Nick ditched his career in favor of becoming a full time employee at the Bachelor mansion.

That has allowed him to fill in as a contestant on Kaitlyn Bristowe's season, make an appearance on Bachelor in Paradise (where he was able to flip public perception of him being a douche bag into just being a narcissistic little bitch), and even agree to clean up the women's toilets during Ben's season (things sure can get messy after taco Tuesdays and an open craft services margarita bar!).

My guess is that when all is said and done Nick will ultimately end up passing on whatever girl he chooses in order to parlay his time on The Bachelor into a new career as the next Spencer Pratt, but for now, that's just my educated guess.

As usual, this season began with more girls with daddy issues, fake boobs and miniature dogs than Hugh Heffner saw during his entire career as the host of The Playboy Mansion.

Once the girls started arriving at the mansion we were quickly reminded of how The Bachelor brings out all of the types of women that under normal circumstances would prove to be red flags when it comes to dating...Aspiring models, professional cheerleaders, east European immigrants, and special education teachers.

So with that said, let's take an in depth look at some of the more memorable bitches, I mean ladies of the litter that Nick has to choose from!

First Impressions

Danielle Lombard - Danielle is a bikini and lingerie model from California who managed to open her own nail salon by the age of 23, which was quite impressive considering the fact that she is not even Asian!

It's hard to argue against Nick Viall keeping Danielle L. as a contestant. Let's just hope that this aspiring underwear model can keep her panties on!

Rachel Lindsay - Rachel is an attorney from Dallas. More than just the typical Bachelor token black girl, Rachel L.received Nick's much coveted "First Impression Rose."

Could Rachel Lindsay be the first black Bachelor series contestant to actually win? She sure seems to have the intelligence to go along with her good looks, which could ultimately become a problem for Nick Viall. 

Taylor Nolan - Taylor went to John's Hopkins University and runs a mental health center in Seattle...She also appears to be, surprise, an aspiring model!

Taylor Nolan greeted Nick Viall be telling him that her friends think he's a complete piece of shit. While Taylor seems like a super smart girl, she should probably listen to her friends a little more closely!

Kristen Schulman - Originally from Russia, this East European immigrant parlayed being the runner up in Donald Trump's mail order bride website into making an appearance on The Bachelor!

Much like Donald Trump, if Nick Vaill were to tire of  Kristina Schulman as his wife, he could simply contact Russia and order a younger version. 

Liz Sandoz - Liz got on the show simply because she was friends with former contestant and former Playboy Playmate, Jade Roper, which likely means that she's an ex-stripper.

While he may not have hit the sex swing, Nick Viall already took Liz Sandoz to the "Fantasy Suite" at Jade Roper's wedding. We'll see how that endears her to the other girls in the house once they find out! 

Hailey Merkt - Hailey arrived by asking Nick, "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I."

While Hailey Merkt may dub herself as a hipster, even hipster chicks aren't immune to the "aspiring model" bug. 

Astrid Locht - Astrid is an office manager for a plastic surgeon in Tampa, which means that she is likely banging him to pay off her fake boobs.

Astrid Locht is also a single mom and a former Hooters waitress looking for love...Wait, wasn't that from an Adam Sandler movie?

Corinne Olympios - Corinne is an aspiring model from Ft. Lauderdale, which in south Florida means that she simply got Glamour Shots and blows dudes for free drinks.

Corinne Olympios seems very comfortable topless! Is Nick Viall cool with that as wife material? 

Vanessa Grimaldi - Apparently Kaitlyn Bristow made it okay for Canadian girls to apply to be on The Bachelor, although Vanessa Grimaldi is the least desirable of all the different kinds of Canadiens...The dreaded French Canadian.

Nick Viall seemed to like the French Canadian, Italian Vanessa Grimaldi...Who's kind of hot in a Justin Trudeau kind of way. 

Raven Gates - Having avoided the dreaded Arkansas "third arm" gene, Raven broke up with her cousin and when she heard she had an opportunity to come on The Bachelor!

I'm not usually into southern girls, but Raven Gates is pretty fucking hot. If I was her ex-cousin and I had to watch her go throw herself at a douche like Nick Viall, I'd probably kill myself. 

Whitney Fransway - While Whitney may be hot, she's yet another aspiring model/yoga instructor from L.A., which means she's likely unemployed because she's just a little too dumb to be a soft core porn actress.

I think it was pretty clear from the opening episode that Nick Viall liked Whitney Fransway.  

Lacey Marik - While Lacey is a cosmetics manager, she was a poly-sci major who speaks Arabic. That means that she is willing to settle for less than what she is worth, making her the perfect match for Nick Viall.

Lacey Marik arrived at the Bachelor Mansion on a camel saying, "I hear you like a good hump...So do I!" I'm just trying to figure out where the pineapple comes in. 

Alexis Waters - Alexis is an aspiring dolphin trainer from New Jersey, which I'm pretty sure is a state that has very few dolphins.

Despite arriving in a shark costume and staying in character the entire first night (which included jumping in the pool and making stupid dolphin cackles), Alexis Waters might be the hottest girl on The Bachelor this season! The question that remains is whether or not she's serious about the whole process of being on the show.