Blogging SURVIVOR: Worlds Apart - "Unfortunately, because she's deaf, it's really hard having a conversation with her."

The Second episode of Survivor - Worlds Apart began with Dan explaining exactly how shit goes down in the game...Literally.

"I'm in the water. I've got my underpants around one leg, trying to do my business, I get hit by a wave...and I lost my man-ties."

That lead to Dan wearing his shirt as his pants, because he refused to cut off his jeans and wear them as shorts, which upset all of Ohio.

Meanwhile, Max decided to salute the greats in the game by playing naked.

"I have absolutely no qualms about dropping trow and being in with birthday suit. It's free, it's comfortable...It's also a great way to get some time alone."

However, Max's plan to get some alone time with his penis backfired when Carolyn bought into his nakedness.

"Max loves this game like I love this game...which makes me love him, which makes me relate to him more. He's kind of a trend setter. It's actually super convenient to be naked a lot of the time.

And, boom, just like that, Carolyn Rivera was naked too...Damn you Max!!!!

At the "no collar" tribe, Hali "tried" to get to know Nina , but decided it was just wasn't worth it.

"Unfortunately, because she's deaf, it's really hard having a conversation with her."

She instead decided to go skinny dipping with Jenn, which left Nina feeling like an outsider, or maybe just like the kid at school who was 25 years older than everyone else.

Because let's face it, if you've ever known a girl under 25, the ability to hear what someone was saying in a conversation has almost nothing to do with whether or not they hang out together.

Sure enough, when Jenn and Hali came back Nina snarked, "It was pretty nice of you guys to ask me to go."

In Hali's defense, she said she did ask Nina to come along, but she never got a response.

Worse yet for the "no collars," Fake Fabio got jealous when Joe came back with a bag of crabs for everyone to eat.

Or as Fake Fabio said, "Joe's kind of that center of attention kind of guy, and it's kind of pissing me off."

That caused Not Fabio to pull Joe aside and call him out for being so well liked and being an over achiever around camp by informing him, "It doesn't go over often very well," to which Joe replied, "Usually, it does. I feel like we're good man."

Unfortunately, Not Fabio didn't agree, and like a bitch, said, "I just need you to acknowledge that you steamroll projects."

The Immunity Challenge was a swimming rope maze, culminating in a basket toss The first place prize was a massive fishing kit, with second place getting a fishing line and hooks.

Dan was eager to participate for the "blue collars" saying, "I'm going to surprise you for a fat guy," and he actually ended up winning his heat against a former pro football player and a guy who looked like Fabio.

In the end, the "white collars" finally got a win, with the "blue collars" finishing second.

At Tribal Council for the "no collars," Not Fabio described himself as the glue of the tribe while Joe and the others tried to keep a straight face.

In regards to being accused of being the weak link in the Immunity Challenge Will said, "Water's always been the black man's kryptonite."

And while I'd say "well played," I'm pretty sure that all of the challenges are going to involve water or puzzles, and we all know how black people feel about mother fucking puzzles.

Joe responded to Not Fabio's jealously by saying, "We've been feeling each other out and I think he's probably going to land right where he needs to. I think tonight, the person that needs to go home will go home."

Sure enough, Not Fabio and his ego were sent packing...Unfortunately, Nina didn't hear that her closest ally got voted out.

Blogging SURVIVOR: Worlds Apart - "I'm a fat guy, it's not going to hold."

Survivor - Worlds Apart began with the players diving up into tribes by social class, mainly, "white collar," "blue collar," and "no collar."

Boston guy Rodney wanted to clarify that he wasn't as stupid as he looked.

"Everybody looks at me and thinks I'm a meat head, but against the competition, I'm a fillet Mignon and everyone else is just a steak."

Of course, much to Rodney's surprise, or maybe not, there are several other cuts of steak that are considered to be even better than a fillet Mignon.

Given his view on women, Rodney Lavoie, Jr.'s not a Boston butt...He's just another ass from New England.

Rodney told the rest of the blue collars that he still moves furniture and Jacuzzis for a living even though he'd moved on to much bigger an better things, the world of sales, out of fear of intimidating them with his intelligence.

Why do I think that Rodney Lavoie, Jr. is now  a car salesman?

Each tribe was asked to select one leader, who then had to pick one person to come along with him/her for a task.

White collar leader and sleazeball Joaquin chose recent divorce So to join him. Blue collar leader Dan chose oil driller Mike to go along. Meanwhile, no collar leader and YouTube sensation Will chose rich girl Jenn to be his bitch.

Each pair was then presented with the option to take a big bag of beans back to their tribe, or a smaller bag in return for a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol, with nobody else any the wiser.

The only team to bit was the "white collars," where Joaquin talked So into screwing their tribe over in return for the clue saying, "That's a silly decision."

However, nobody at camp believed that they were being honest when they saw the size of Joaquin's bag of beans.

And while the "white collars" were busy trying to figure out the best way to fuck each other up the ass, the "blue collars" worked together and found a butt-load of crabs, made fire, and built a shelter right away.

However, not everything was perfect with the "blue collars."

Creepy Boston Guy tried to use his sister's death to bond with the the girls, then went on to say, "My strategy from day one - get the girls. Girls, they want to sit back and let a man take the leader role,"

And while the "blue collars" weren't expected to get by on their smarts, oil driller Mike decided to try and get some extra protein in his diet...by eating a scorpion.

"I knew when I came out here, that if there was an extra chance to get protein, I was going to take that chance...I'm the type of guy, if I see an opportunity in front of me, I'm gonna go grab it."

Sure enough, that caused Mike to puke, pass out, and possibly die.

After establishing that Mike's an idiot...Dan realized that he didn't fit in with the rest of the "blue collars," and took issue with their plan to build a raised shelter supported by nothing but bamboo.

"I'm a fat guy, it's not going to hold."

Dan Foley: Fat guy in a little suit!

At the "no collar" camp, Fabio guy tried to form an alliance with Jenn, and then immediately fell in love with her.

However, Jen was in love with Joe, and thought that he, and not Fabio, should be on the cover of a romance novel.

And after Jenn and Joe made fire together, Fabio guy's jealousy got the best of him and he interrogated Jenn about her feelings for Joe.

"I want to ask you a real human being question. Do you feel more of a connection with Joe? You're not attracted to him, not even a little?"

However, Jenn was smart enough to turn things back on Fabio guy, and she asked him if he was still on board with the alliance he had proposed. Sure enough, he was...Like, he really, really was.

"I do. I really want that."

Unfortunately for Jenn, Fabio guy reclaimed her by rubbing his scent all over her face.

"Vince hugged me forever after. We smell bad. We smell bad, okay. Do not get that (his armpits) all over my face."

Vince Sly: What girl wouldn't want this guy's swiss chard all over her face?

At the "white collar" camp, ironically it was the kicker who first that they all needed to get down on their knees and get dirty in order to survive in the game...Or at least figure out how to make fire.

Not trusting her tribes "leaders," Carolyn noticed Joaquin and So sneak off to look for Idol. More importantly, she paid attention to where they looked, and beat them to the punch by finding it first.

The First Immunity Challenge consisted of an obstacle course with a puzzle at the finish, with the first two teams to complete it winning immunity and fire starting tools.

With the "no collars" winning and the "blue collars" coming in second, the "white collars" earned a trip to Tribal Council thanks to Shareen, who fucked up on the puzzle so bad that she had to be replaced, but by that point it was too late.

To make things worse, the "white collars" were the only tribe that hadn't been able to make fire on her own.

Before Tribal Council, Tyler tipped Carolyn off that her name had come up in discussions. That caused her to tell him that she had found an Idol, and she lobbied to vote So out.

At Tribal Council, Joaquin and So threw Tyler and Max under the bus for being in an alliance with them.

However, Carolyn was feeling so cocky that she not only didn't play her Idol, but she made up some purely ridiculous nonsense as well saying, "Oh by the way, I am just as athletic as anyone else."

While Carolyn was completely full of shit, So was still voted out, and just like that, the "white collars" voted out their most athletic player.

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "Where I'm from, you don't swear on a wife and a baby"

 

 

The final episode of Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty began with Woo, Spencer and Kass in the driver's seat, and Tony, without any Idols to play, scrambling just to stay in the game.

While Tony did still have one Idol left, he was no longer eligible to play it. However, the other players didn't know that for sure.

Instead, they just knew that Tony had an Idol that was supposed to have "special powers," and Tony tried to convince them that the "special power" allowed him to play it after the final five.

The Final Four contestants were rewarded with visits from loved ones, or in Tony's case, a visit from some guy that he kind of knew.

As it turned out, we learned that Tony flipped on his own family, leaving his wife and newborn baby at home alone in order to come on the show, so I'm guessing that his wife refused to visit him as some sort of protest vote.

For some reason, I'm thinking that Tony Vlachos' wife will forgive him, considering that she can now divorce him and keep a cool $500K for herself. BTW, Spoiler Alert!

Kass tried to explain her game to her husband, and in doing so, she at least got the last part correct.

"I'm just going to argue to the women that I came out here and played like a man...If I was a man and made all the moves I made I would be strategic, but because I'm a woman, I'm a bitch."

She also did her best to plug her new self dubbed "Chaos Kass" nickname. "Often chaos is a part of that, keeping the other side on their toes."

And when she said "keeping the other side on their toes," she really meant to say that they all kept her around because she was an awful player who stood no chance of winning.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to stand on a tall pole over the ocean, use a rope to dip a bucket into the water, poor that water down a shoot to raise a floating key up to their reach, and then solve a puzzle.

Tony filled his bucket the fastest, while Kass didn't even get to her puzzle until the other players were almost half way finished.

However, Tony was too stupid to solve his puzzle, and somehow Kass to pull off the upset over Spencer and won Immunity

Kass sat firm on her decision to vote out Spencer, which seemed to relieve Woo, mainly because he didn't want to become the swing vote and be forced to actually make a decision.

And despite his best efforts, Spencer couldn't convince Tony to muck things up and vote for a tie, and he was sent to the Jury just short of reaching his goal of making the finals.

After Spencer was voted out, the second Immunity Challenge required the final three contestants to run through a maize and retrieve four sets of puzzle pieces, and then assemble a working gear puzzle.

In an amazing finish, Woo ended up defeating Kass by less than a second, and he earned the right to decide who he would take with him to the Final Tribal Council.

At that point, Kass still seemed delusional about her game saying, "I think Woo might be able to beat me, I don't know."

But as some little kid from the audience said when Jeff asked him who Woo should take with him, "Probably Kass, because I think nobody has respect for her," as the entire audience erupted into laughter.

Tony tried to plead his case to Woo, but even he acknowledged to the camera that Woo would have been better off taking Kass with him to the finals.

As normal, Woo refused to commit to anyone. That caused Kass to say, "It's horrifying, the person that hasn't made a decision the whole game is in charge of my fate."

At Tribal Council, Woo didn't want to listen to any speeches or any of Jeff's questions. He instead said that he had made up his mind and asked to skip right to the vote.

Apparently not wanting a sure $1,000,000, Woo elected to vote Kass out and take Tony with him to the finals, which even seemed to surprise Tony.

At the finals, Woo began by saying that he lives by a code of  honor and integrity, and that in doing so, he wanted to take the next best player along with him to the end, no matter what the cost.

Meanwhile, Tony tried to plead the case that he played a better strategic game.

As usual, the bitter members of the Jury all got a chance to confront their exes...I mean Tony and Woo.

Tony's ex seemed the most bitter, as the other cop on the show lashed out at him for swearing on his badge to her, and wondered if he really even cared about racially profiling black people anymore.

Likewise, Jeremiah was pissed that Tony swore on his wife on kids to him and asked, "Do you have a wife and baby?"

Jeremiah then went on to scold, "Where I'm from, when you swear on a wife and baby, that's absolutely pathetic." Fortunately for the rest of us, nobody else outside of the great state of Carolina cared.

Morgan decided to use her jury question to remind America how hot she thinks she is, and compared herself to Tony when it comes to being able to keep men in her back pocket.

However, Tony's game seemed to blow her tiny little mind, as she said, "You kept men in your back pocket, and you did it without even having breasts!"

Morgan McLeod:

Kass used her time to question Woo on why he didn't vote out Tony when he had the chance. "Why on  earth, did you not cut the head of the dragon off?"

In a moment of being a little too honest, Woo flat out said that he didn't think that Kass didn't deserve to sit at the finals, even if it meant a sure fire win for himself.

However, Woo then went on to call Trish "a sweetheart," proving that he was capable of lying.

Apparently having run out of living family members, Trish revealed that Tony swore to her on his father's grave. When she questioned him on whether breaking that vow was worth it, Tony told her that it was.

Spencer managed to insult Woo and Kass in the same breath, calling Woo "Tony's dog," and then saying, "You had the opportunity to take one of the biggest goats in Survivor history to the end," with the "goat" referring to Kass.

Instead of asking any questions, Spencer used his time to address the Jury and advocating for Tony to win. "Love him or hate him, Tony played his ass off out here."

Sadly, Tony did end up winning. Even worse, the Jury indicated that Woo would have won had he just brought Kass along with him to the end instead of Tony.

From the Jury's comments, it appeared as if Woo lost out to Tony because he wasn't sneaky enough, which is getting to be an overrated aspect of the game.

Think about it. You had a guy like Tony who made some wild moves, but pissed everyone off in the process. On top of that, he was a horrible physical competitor.

On the other hand, Woo was well liked, and won every physical challenge that he needed to win in order to stay in the game.

It seems to me that Woo won the physical and social aspects of the game, while Tony only came out on top when it came to making big moves, and most of the time those were poor decisions based purely on his own paranoia.

Unfortunately, the finale only got worse from there, as Tyler Perry showed up to plug the seven movies he's currently releasing.

Worse yet, Jeff Probst announced that the next season would be Survivor: Blood vs. Water II.

Not only does that mean we'll be stuck once again with returning players and their undeserving relatives, but I'm pretty sure that I heard Rupert's voice in the promo...Fuck me.

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "Trish railed on me like a frickin wild skeleton, blue eyed banshee"

 

This week's episode of Survivor began with Spencer confronting Woo for agreeing to vote out Tony, but going back on his word at last week's Tribal Council.

So in other words, Spencer called him out for the way he had been playing the entire game.

Woo explained that he decided to keep Tony around because he had burned so many bridges throughout the game that he felt he would be able to beat him if they went to the finals together.

Unfortunately for Woo, Tony realized that taking him to the end of the game was a losing proposition, and he was already formulating a plan to blindside Woo to "reward him" for his loyalty throughout the game.

The Reward Challenge required the competitors to dive into a mud pit, coat their bodies, and scrape the mud from their bodies and into a bucket.

In addition to revitalized skin, whoever collected the most mud after ten minutes also received a pizza that was to be delivered to them back at camp, which was actually a pretty nice reward since it wasn't from Papa John's.

Unfortunately this challenge came a few weeks too late, because instead of the hot girls who had already been voted off getting all lathered up in mud, the only girls left to watch were Trisha Hagerty and Kass McQuillen.

When Tony ended up winning, Jeff Probst revealed that he also got to choose one additional player to join him for pizza, which Tony announced by shouting, "Anorexia, come on over," in reference to Trish, who may or may not have "turned" two weeks ago.

Worse yet, Tony turned out to be one of those east coast idiots who fold their pizza slices in half before eating them, because clearly when you take a bite of pizza you want to taste as much dough as possible.

Despite his ties to Woo, Tony told Kass that he wanted to take her to the finals, mainly because he knew that she and Trish were the only players he could beat.

However, despite what seemed to be a free pass to the finals from one of her biggest enemies, Kass for some reason decided to inform Woo of that plan and put Tony on the spot.

In the process, Kass proudly dubbed herself "Chaos Kass," not realizing that her chaos was causing a butterfly effect that was likely fucking up her only chance to win the game, since the only way anyone on the Jury would possibly vote for her was if she was up against two completely unlikable people in the final, like Tony and Trish.

Woo finally realized that Tony was planning to try and blindside him, and seemed receptive to Kass and Spencer's offer to form a final three alliance.

However, when they discussed voting Trish out first since they knew Tony had at least one Idol, Trish just happened to be walking by and overheard Kass say, "Trish is a go."

Sure enough, the thought that Kass might have a hand in her possible demise caused Trish to lose her shit.

"(That) really infuriated me, because I've been sitting here trying to be nice to Kass this entire time, which has really been exhausting for me, but I can tell you this, she'll be sorry she did that."

The Immunity Challenge required the competitors to untangle a rope to release a key, use rungs to build a ladder and stairway, and then climb up and solve a slide puzzle.

Spencer ended up erasing a huge lead that Tony had when he started his slide puzzle and ended up winning Immunity.

After the Immunity Challenge, Trish proclaimed, "Spencer, I think you're a great guy, I just have a quick question for Kass, 'Do you think I'm stupid?'"

That turned out to be a rhetorical question, as Spencer's win essentially eliminated Trish from the game considering that Tony had an Idol, and Trish was never going to be smart enough to put together a plan to flip on him even if he didn't play it.

But that didn't stop Trish from telling Kass how much better she was than her. "You don't want to argue with me Kass, and let me tell you something, I'd rip you apart in 30-seconds."

Fortunately, Tony of all people interrupted Trish and pulled her aside, but not before telling Kass that she was a Llama.

Surprisingly, Kass remained relatively calm throughout all of her granma - llama drama with Trish.

Scrambling, Tony asked Trish and Woo if they were questioning his integrity, and he pretty much got his answer when Woo asked, "All I want to know is did you promise (Kass) on your wife and child?"

And that's when Woo finally seemed to realize that it might be time to make a move and vote Trish out.

However, Tony was trying to listen in and saw Woo shake hands on making a deal with Spencer.

When he pulled him aside to as "WTF?", Woo immediately indicated that he still wasn't sure what he was going to do.

And while that type of scene is usually included just to build some drama heading into the final scene, with Woo waffling more than one of the Clintons, all bets were off.

At Tribal Council, Kass told on Trish for verbally attacking her by saying, "The moment we got back, Trish railed on me like a frickin wild skeleton blue eyed banshee."

"When Jeff asked, What was that again," Kass said I don't even know what  I said, but I'm sure it was accurate."

Of course Kass was obviously pretty proud of that line since it was the second time that she had used it this episode in referring to Trish's appearance.

Kass went on to declare, "I didn't predict that psycho bitch would come out at me today," before she called Tony out for playing multiple sides.

That didn't sit well with Tony, but all he could muster up to say was, "She just sits there with the same grin on her face...Look, there it is," to which Kass added, "Well you're making an ass of yourself."

Woo described his tribemates as a family, referring to himself as their foreign exchange student.

No more yankey my wankey, Woo needs beer!

Before the vote, Tony announced his plans to play one of his two Idols, and he displayed them both.

Spencer feigned surprise, saying that he had planned to vote for Tony, but that his Idol had "complicated things."

Tony played his regular Immunity Idol, pretentding that his other Idol that came with "special powers" allowed him to play it next week, even though this was really the final week he could play either.

Much to Trish's surprise and Kass's delight, when the final vote was read Trish was eliminated.

Trish managed to turn and say "Thank you, and good luck" as her torch was extinguished, only to have Kass flip her the bird.

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "I don't like to be the one slack jawed at Tribal Council"

This week Survivor began with Tony's alliance furious at him for voting against Jefra at the previous Tribal Council without telling them first.

And while Trish complained, "I don't like to be the one slack jawed at Tribal Council, and now that's happened twice," she went right back to following him like a puppy...or at least a horse who had a good teeth whitening.

In all fairness to Tony, Trish Hegarty's not just been slack jawed at Tribal Council, it seems to come to her naturally.

Of course, each and every member of Tony's alliance was arrogant enough to actually believe that they were his #1 despite his pattern of deception.

In fact, Tony was already moving on and trying to make deals for the finals with members of the other alliance.

Kass, who to this point had been both awful in challenges and completely unlikable around camp, felt the need to get her two cents in instead of being smart and laying low. 

"Tony, I know you're feeling proud of yourself right now, but you don't have to act like that...You're gettin' really old here Tony, I mean you're talking to people so condescending. Right now, you're kind of being a jerk."

To make matters worse, Kass got upset when she thought she heard Tony say, "Kass is such a bitch, did you hear her last night?"

While Spencer confirmed to the camera that Tony had not said that about her, he neglected to relay that information to Kass so as to keep the tension up around camp and keep the target off of himself.

"Kass legitimately misheard Tony. So now Tony is telling the truth, which was rare, I mean this is a special moment...Am I going to clear up the moment? NO!"

When Tony tried to smooth things over with Kass, tensions between the two of them got even more heated, with Kass saying, "I expect that of him, because he's an idiot," and Tony snapping, "You act like you're a 4-year-old."

Kass even made things a little personal when she snapped, "That's why I'm composed and you're not. Hopefully in the next two months you'll do some growing before you hit 40."

Apparently too stupid to realize that she had nobody to back her, Kass was bold enough to add, "I think I will write your name down...Make sure you play your Idol."

For some reason Tony let his emotions take over and he tipped his hand when he blurted out, "You'll go home, because I got a "special" Idol, that's why!"

The Reward Challenge required two teams to throw sandbags at a block wall for the other team in order to knock it over the fastest, and then switch sides to see who could rebuild their own wall the fastest.

Spencer, Kass and Woo came from behind to win reward, which turned out to be a trip to bring supplies to a local school, where they also got to have an American style hot dog and hamburger grill out.

Surprisingly, once Woo escaped Tony's shadow and got to the school, he actually displayed a personality.

Specifically, he put on a pretty cool martial arts and basketball show to inspire the local youth, and he did it without Tony even telling him that it was okay. 

While they were on their reward, Kass proposed a final three deal with Spencer and Woo.

But as usual, while Woo indicated that he might be interested, he was less than committal without Tony there to hold his wang.

The Immunity Challenge required the competitors to race out and remember the total number of items at six different stations, and then use those number totals to solve a combination.

After a half an hour of running back and forth, Spencer finally won Immunity.

Spencer, Tash, Kass and Woo all agreed to split the vote to try and blindside Tony, or at least flush out his Immunity Idol.

However, Spencer made the rookie mistake of assigning the duty of voting against Tony to the two boys, which essentially put the whole plan to blindside Tony in Woo's hands even though he had a history of not following through on verbal plans to make a big move.

Sure enough, the plan to blindside Tony fell apart at Tribal Council when Woo decided not to vote against him as he said he would, which lead to Tasha getting sent home instead. 

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "I opened it up and I almost wet my pants"

This week's Survivor started with Jefra attempting to justify why she backed out on the plan to blindside Tony at least week's Tribal Council.

Jefra Bland: Pagaent queens may not be known for their answers to serious questions...and there's a reason for that.

Meanwhile, Kass was upset that Spencer had the audacity to play the Hidden Immunity Idol that he had found rather than share it with someone else.

That caused Kass to pretentiously ask, "What is the most selfish beast on the planet? A college age male," forgetting that nobody wants to hear the opinion of a post menopausal woman...That is, unless she's Sarah Palin. 

When Woo came back from getting "tree mail" with pocket books for everyone to participate in the traditional Survivor food auction, Trish's decision not to do her Kegels in her early 40's reared its ugly head.

"I opened it up and I almost wet my pants!"

At the auction Jefra made a blind bid and won quesadillas, guacamole, salsa and a margarita, which worked out well since she had told the rest of the tribe that she wanted guacamole more than anything else in the world.

Jefra Bland wanted guacamole more than anything else in the world...That is, except for a low level NASCAR driver for a husband.

The anorexic Trish bought a "Zonk" and wound up with nothing for her money but rice and water, which was actually only slightly less nutritious than her normal diet of carrots and salt licks.

Sadly, Trisha Hegarty drew the outside lane in the Kentucky Derby.

Woo bid on and won BBQ ribs and a beer at a bargain price because Spencer, Tony and Tasha were all saving all of their money to bid on an advantage for the game.

However, while Tony and Spencer both maxed out their bid for that "advantage," Tasha elected not to bid, which bit her in the ass when the auction concluded without any more items to bid on.

As it turned out, Tony and Spencer drew rocks, with Tony winning the clue to yet another Hidden Immunity Idol.

Sure enough, he found it as soon as he got back to camp, which gave him two Idols and continued the streak of Survivor's biggest villain finding every single Idol that's ever been hidden.

The Immunity Challenge required the competitors to pull up a buried rope that had five bags of balls attached to it, and then maneuver each of them through a table maze the fastest.

For the third time in a row Tasha ended up winning Immunity, this time over Woo. And with Tasha safe from eviction, that put a target square on Spencer heading into Tribal Council.

However, Tony was so paranoid that he thought he actually started to think that he was plotting against himself.

Spencer wisely played on Tony's fear of an all girl alliance, and sold Jefra out for taking voting Tony out under consideration last week.

And when Tony seemed interested in blindsiding Jefra, his house bitch Woo didn't hesitate to indicate that he was on board too. 

Sure enough, at Tribal Council Tony announced that he was upset with Jefra for plotting against him, and he put on his Immunity Idol and indicated that he was going to play it.

However, he didn't end up playing it, nor did he need to as Woo, Spencer and Tasha all ended up voting to blindside Jefra.

And that sent her back home to Kentucky where she can go back to spending her Friday nights at the local Applebee's hitting on aspiring NASCAR drivers who will never make it further than the local dirt track in Paintsville.

Given her affinity for "the races," Jefra Bland is a poor girl's version of Emily Maynard from "The Bachelor."

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "Oh my God, they look like Morgan's boobs!"

This week's Survivor began with Tony trying to conduct "surveillance" by making another spy shack near the water well so he could listen in on other people.

Sure enough, Tony heard Jefra telling Trish that she didn't trust him anymore after he went all Sarah Palin on his alliance and lead the effort to blindside L.J. last week.

The Reward Challenge required two different teams to row a boat and retrieve paddles from floating boxes that had letters on them needed to solve a word puzzle.

Tasha, Jefra, Spencer and Jeremiah ended up winning a trip to some cave where they'd and receive BBQ chicken, ribs, potato salad, and chocolate chip cookies.

That left Tony paranoid that the rest of the winners would convince Jefra to flip on him.

However, he was probably thinking a little too highly of himself, or as Kass said, "Tony is annoying, but my philosophy is to keep the annoying people and get rid of the threats."

Then again, Jefra, Spencer, Jeremiah and Tash formed an alliance to go to the final four together.

In addition to a case of the shits, the reward winners also got a surprise in the form of letters from loved ones back home. And while Jefra's letter got a letter from her mother, she also saw her shadow, meaning her dad got another six years in prison.

Back at camp, Trish and Woo came across a papaya tree. And as they looked up at the glorious fruit in awe Trish exclaimed, "Oh my God, they look like Morgan's boobs!"

Fortunately, unlike Morgan McLeod's boobs, the papayas didn't taste like cocoa butter and low self-esteem.

Much like many of guys who came before him when it came to Morgan's boobs, Woo fell hard from the tree while trying to get a good look.

Fortunately, both Woo and Morgan's fake boobs escaped without a blemish, or as Woo said, "I'd break my ass for papayas any day."

The Immunity Challenge required the competitors to stand on a slanted plank and balance a ball on a small wooden platform attached to a stick that they had to raise higher and higher as the contest went on.

Tasha ended up beating Spencer for Immunity, guaranteeing herself a spot in the final seven.

Tasha, Jefra, Spencer and Jeremiah planned on blindsiding Tony, who was running around the jungle looking under every tree or ledge for an Immunity Idol.

And I'm not saying that Survivor's rigged, or maybe I am, but Tony started looking for the Idol near a tree that had some odd looking roots.

And while that wasn't odd in and of itself, he just started randomly digging and not only found the Idol, but it was the one that also had some sort of special power.

Things got even creepier when Tony started repeating/chanting to himself, "I gotta go wash up, I gotta go was up, I gotta go wash up."

Jeremiah finally revealed to people that he was a "fashion model."

And while Spencer initially made fun of him for thinking that people would be threatened by that, he reciprocated by volunteering that he had found one of the Hidden Immunity Idols.

Before Tribal Council, Jefra pulled Jeremiah aside and told him that she wasn't going to go along with the alliance she formed at the reward BBQ.

With Jefra bailing on their alliance, Spencer made the call at the last minute to vote for Woo instead of Tony. 

Spencer also ended up playing his Idol at Tribal Council. Not one to be outdone, Tony pulled his out as well, although he only fondled it and compared it to Spencer's instead of actually playing it.

Perhaps knowing that he had the numbers in his favor with Jefra unflipping on their alliance, Tony got a little cocky.

"Jeff, do you see the inexperience in the young lad? He was about to give the Idol to Jeremy, he thought I was going to use mine...This is a fake Idol by the way."

And while that made no sense whatsoever considering that neither Spencer nor anyone else actually thought that Tony had an Idol (even though he really did), Jeremiah ended up getting voted out.

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "I probably pooped on myself."

This week's Survivor began with the recently merged tribe bemoaning their lack of comfort around camp in the form of the pillows they lost after Morgan got voted out of the game.

Morgan McLeod and her boobs represent all that is wrong with casting for reality TV shows, where self entitled cheerleaders, pageant queens, and models now take center stage over people who would be qualified and excited to play games of strategy and endurance.

Tony was a bit pissed off and surprised that he was the other player targeted who received any votes for eviction besides Morgan.

In fact, he went on to say, "When Jeff turned over that card and it said Tony, I probably pooped on myself."

The Reward Challenge divided the competitors into three teams who had to throw sandbags through a tunnel, and then bounce those bags off of a trampoline and into five different baskets, with the winners receiving a day at a spa.

Jefra's team decided to let her try and bounce their bags into the baskets, which pretty much would have been the equivalent of letting Tony try and solve a puzzle.

While I didn't think the reward was all that great to miss out on, Woo, who apparently is a little to used to getting pampered, seemed pissed that his team lost.

"I'm just picturing myself getting my "mani" and "pedi" on while just grinding down a nice fatty chicken wrap and following that bad boy down with a nice cold mimosa."

Tony wanted to use the spa reward to try and build the numbers to try and blindside LJ, and he found some willing pawns in Jeremiah and Spencer, at least so he thought.

Meanwhile, back at camp Tasha invited LJ to meet her alone and talk strategy, only he stood her up out of loyalty to Tony and fear that his alliance might think that he was plotting against them.

The Immunity Challenge was a mental competition where the players had to memorize a series of colored tiles and repeat them back in order, kind of like the old game Simon Says when you were a kid, only with more fake boobs.

Simon says that Tony Vlachos is an idiot.

Tony was the first one out of the the competition, while Tasha ended up winning Immunity over LJ, who despite losing announced that he still felt comfortable heading into Tribal Council.

Sure enough, Tony told Woo that LJ wanted to blindside him. And while that wasn't true at all, that got Woo all fired up about voting LJ out.

However, it was Tony's pal Trish who wasn't feeling the blindside when he approached her with his plan, and she noted how LJ had already informed her how he was the one who brought up the idea of blindsiding Woo.

At Tribal Council, Tony continued to lie and claim that he was a construction worker instead of a cop, apparently in an attempt to make himself look smarter.

In the end, Tony got his way, as LJ was voted out in a blindside.

And much like last week, a surprised Jefra asked Tony, "Did you flip," once again involuntarily outing somebody who was trying to orchestrate things "on the down low."

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "If any person in the world could decide, you know, to be ugly or cute, most would pick cute"

This week's Survivor began with Spencer pissed off that fellow Brain alliance member Kass flipped their Brains alliance.

Spencer snarked, "She'll go basically wherever her estrogen takes her, not where her brain takes her," which actually was a pretty accurate assumption.

On the other hand, Kass was pretty proud of herself for playing a key role in Sara's eviction.

"It's like I pulled off a hat trick on Survivor. I got rid of the girl that I wanted to get rid of, and two big lugs played their Idols."

Of course, Kass neglected to think about how she put a target on herself in the process of settling her score with Sarah. 

Then again, the way that all women end up hating each other when they live together, I doubt that Kass really even cared...She got her victory when Sarah couldn't even figure out who the person who blindsided her was.

While you would have thought that Kass would have been content with her rival Sarah out of the game, she quickly aimed her menstrual cycle straight at Morgan when she accused her of being mean to her. 

On the other hand, Morgan thought that her treatment of Kass was just par for the course. "I think she's been ignored and made fun of all her life, so she should be used to this."

Morgan then went on to show how she viewed herself.

"With Kass, I feel like she's just a bitter, ugly old lady, and this sounds really conceited, but I think she hates me just because I'm cuter than her."

Then again, pretty much everyone is cuter than Kass...Well, except Trish.

Of course, Morgan was forgetting that she was once much like Kass herself, at least before she found that guy who bought her those huge fake boobs and let her pluck her eyebrows until they turned into worms that lived under the surface of her forehead.

Morgan McLeod: Maybe her inability to forget her pre-plastic past was part of the problem.

The Reward Challenge divided the competitors into two teams where they had to run through a land/sea maze, retrieve a box full of puzzle pieces, pull those pieces over a wall, and then solve a puzzle.

LJ, Spencer, Morgan and Jeremiah ended up winning the reward, which turned out to be a feast from Outback Steakhouse, even though they were in the Philippines and not Australia.

And considering that I have to poop within minutes every time that I eat at an Outback that actually has a bathroom, I'm pretty sure than the winning team had some interesting moments in the jungle considering they hadn't had any real food in weeks.

When it was announced that there was a new Hidden Immunity Idol with "special powers" somewhere around camp, it set off a bevy of treasure seekers more frenzied than a bunch of meth heads near an abandoned building with copper wiring.

Of course, it was Spencer, who was still at the Outback feast, who got the clue to that Idol in his napkin.

However, Wu noticed how Spencer snuck off on his own after he arrived back at camp, so he secretly followed him.

And as the two crossed paths, Wu asked him if he was out on a walk. And when Wu noticed that Spencer had left his pants behind and tried to toss them back to him, his clue to the Idol fell out.

That caused Wu to take the clue and bolt with Spencer chasing after him in hot pursuit, which went to prove that even Asian dudes are faster than white guys. 

Arriving back at camp first, Wu shared the clue with the rest of his alliance, which set off yet another Easter egg hunt for the ages, if only the Easter Bunny pooped Immunity Idols instead of colored eggs.

Or as Tony said, "You know it's bad when Morgan, the girl that you can't tell if she's a pillow or a person...You know it's serious when she's up off her ass."

According to Tony, Morgan McLeod apparently only gets up off her ass when she's down on her knees.

However, despite everyone's best efforts to get a blow job from Morgan, Spencer still ended up finding the Idol first. Worse yet, Kass was standing right next to him when he found it, but was completely oblivious.

The Immunity Challenge required the competitors to stand on their toes while pressing a block on their head against a ceiling without dropping it, which was a clear advantage for all of the girls who wear high heals, and Tony.

Somehow Spencer manged to outlast Tasha after nearly two hours and won Immunity.

Full of piss and vinegar after helping to eliminate Sarah last week, Kass went on to brag how she practices law by "trial by ambush," which not only was a tactic last used by Perry Mason, but is something that 99.9% of all BAR Associations would consider unethical.

At Tribal Council, Kass put Morgan on the spot for her lack of effort around camp, which was something that she hardly tried to deny. 

"LJ and Jeremiah, they took real good care of us girls in the beginning, just like waking up with a full pot of rice, and I got used to it."

That caused Jeff Probst to ask, "I'm going to guess that you're sort of used to that back home too?"

Morgan not only affirmed Jeff's assumption, but she went on to make herself look like a total materialistic bitch.

"Absolutely, I'm used to things being easier for me, not having to work that hard to get things...If any person in the world could decide, you know, to be ugly or cute, most would pick cute."

Morgan McLeod chose cute over ugly the day she let some schmuck buy her fake boobs.

In the end, Kass held firm and did not re-join her former Brains alliance and voted out Morgan, who didn't even seem at all disappointed to be leaving the game.

And it wasn't because she seemed miserable, but more likely because it simply didn't mean anything to her after she was able expose her breasts...I mean get some exposure on national TV.

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "There are Idols, because I got one"

This week's Survivor began with tension at the Aparri camp. More specifically, Kass basically told Sarah, the swing vote in the event of a merge, that she didn't trust her.

"Show me blood on your hands from a former tribemate, and then we'll talk."

Sure enough, a merge was announced, with Solana packing up and joining the Aparri to form the new Solarrion tribe, with Aparri outnumbering Solana 6-5, assuming Sarah held rank with her new tribe.

Of course, Tony and LJ both had Hidden Immunity Idols for Solana that nobody else knew about to at least make things a little more interesting.

The old Solana tribe saw Sarah as their only hope, banking on her prior "Donuts r' Us" alliance with Tony, even though he basically dumped her for Trish when the tribes were initially re-drawn.

When Tony approached Sarah, or as he calls her, "Say-wha," she refused his request to "swear on her badge" that she'd be loyal to him.

She instead elected to remain the swing vote, or as she and the boys in her precinct back in Missouri call it, a "Sarah sandwich."

And like everything in the south, a "Sarah Lacina sandwich" tastes like catfish.

While Sarah elected to remain loyal to her new Aparri tribe members, she also demanded that they target either LJ or Wu in the first Tribal Council after the merge.

That kept her at odds with Kass, who for some reason wanted to target the weaker members of the Solana tribe.

That didn't go over well with Sarah.

"I think it's completely idiotic to pick a fight with me. I'm not saying let me be the princess and walk on eggshells around me, but the last thing you want to do is piss me off."

Sarah went on to say, "I can do whatever I want. You want to pick a fight with me? I'll flip over with those other guys, so don't test me, because I will put you in your place and send you packing."

I just wanted to get as many Sarah Lacina pictures in as I could before her dumb ass got voted out.

On the other hand, Kass didn't like the fact that Sarah was calling the shots, apparently forgetting the part where she was the swing vote and could just as easily go back to her original alliance and flip the post merge numbers.

"Who made her queen? I can't even look at her, I just want to punch her sometimes."

Kass next proceeded to get pissed off at Tasha, who was simply trying to keep Sarah on board so as not to lose their majority numbers.

"I totally think that Tasha took Sarah's side in the argument. What the heck?"

The first Individual Immunity Challenge of the season consisted of balancing on a triangular water platform, where the contestants could only use their feet to hold onto narrow wooden strips of wood.

Wu won Immunity, which was good, because he was one of the two primary targets for elimination.

On the other hand, Morgan McLeod did her past to overcome a built in obstacle...Top-heaviness and wide "birthin" hips.

Back at camp, Sarah began to power trip about being the swing vote saying, "I will make the decision on who goes home next, I'm the President."

With the old Solana tribe coming to the realization that Sarah was not going to flip from her new alliance, they decided to target Kass given the rift that they had witnessed between her and Sarah.

Or as Kass said, "I know she's going to destroy the game, I wanna have the preemptive strike. I want to destroy it!"

Sarah then did her best to discredit any testimony she may ever given in the future as a witness in a criminal trial. 

"Tony and I have a relationship because he's a police officer, and I'm a police officer. But he is the biggest threat in this game. He observes everything, he's sneaky. He's just like me, and I would get rid of me if I could."

At Tribal Council, LJ played dumb and suggested that there may not be any Hidden Immunity Idols in this season's game.

That caused Tony to blurt out, "There are Idols, because I got one."

Spencer dared him to show his hand by asking, "You wanna pull it out?"

That caused Tony to drop trow as he proudly exclaimed, "Why don't you look at these six faces right here, look what's going on right here Jeff," as the old Aparri tribe scrambled to change their vote.

And after the vote, Tony decided to give his Idol to LJ by saying, "Hang on Jeff, I'd like to cover Tony's ass myself," assuming that's who Aparri had decided to change their vote to after they saw his Idol.

Crazier yet, LJ pulled out the Idol that he had secretly possessed and gave it to Tony, which officially made them married in the Philippines.

But as the Solana tribe celebrated the genius of their play, they quickly realized that Aparri had changed their vote to Jefra, not LJ, as Jeff Probst read off the vote.

I'm not saying that Jefra Bland is a poorer, whiter trash version of Emily Maynard from the Bachelor...Well, actually I am.

However, Kass came through for the Solana tribe, as she flipped on her six person alliance with Aparri.

And while that saved Tony and LJ's ass, the only use they got out of their two respective Immunity Idols was the joy they got from the giggles and high fives they gave each other after they played them.

On the other hand, Sarah went from being drunk with power over the former Aparri tribe, to being completely blindsided.

Not realizing that she had irritated Kass to the point that she flipped on her own original "Brains" alliance, Sarah was so shocked that she actually had to ask, "Who flipped?" and then, "I don't know why Kass flipped." 

Of course, Jefra was sure to point out who the guilty party was in front of everyone by saying, "Kass, Kass, thank you!"

SURVIVOR: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "You disgust me. Everything about you is annoying, your laugh, your teeth, your face."

This week's Survivor began with Trish trying to make amends to the rest of the Solari Tribe for blindsiding Cliff. 

But when an upset Lindsey warned, "You guys just screwed up majorly," Trish couldn't contain how ugly she was.

"Let me make this really clear to you moving forward. I don't respect you because this is a team moving forward, and I don't like you."

And after Trish said that, Lindsey lost her shit and went the fuck off:

"You know what, you disgust me. Everything about you is annoying, your laugh, your teeth, your face. Everything about you I cannot stand, so how bout you just back off a little bit, and shut up and not talk to me for a little while...I think that your annoying, I think that your terrible, I think you might be the most horrific person I've ever met in my life."

Trisha on Survivor's teeth...Advantage Lindsey!

However, after that exchange Lindsey walked off into the wild in nothing but her bra and underwear, which was apparently enough to bring Jeff Probst out of the wood works.

Unfortunately, Lindsey informed Jeff that she wanted to go home because she was afraid that she was going to hurt Trish.

"I'm going to flip out on her...I need a million dollars more than anyone here...I'd rather cost me a million dollars than for my daughter to see her momma like that."

And while I believed her, that just seemed to fuel Tony's ego.

"Just as we expected, you turn the head and the body always follows. She was the body, Cliff was the head."

LJ tried to explain the same thing in terms that Southern people could understand. "That obviously was a huge volatile zit waitin' to pop."

The Reward Challenge consisted of a series of 1-on-1 battles, with the competitors trying to hold on to an Idol on platform while trying to knock their opponent's off.

The Solana Tribe ended up winning, with the reward being a chance to raid the Aparri Tribe for supplies.

Solana elected to send Woo and Tony, who took Aparri's  blankets, pillows and fishing gear.

They also decided to give "a clue" to the Hidden Immunity Idol to Jeremiah in order to make him a target, especially since the clue wasn't even for his tribe.

But since Tony and Woo took the clue with them, Jeremiah had no way to prove it.

Once Tony got back to Solana's camp, he was so proud of himself that he finally told the rest of the tribe that he actually was a cop instead of a construction worker...Like there's a difference.

Or as LJ said, "So to solidify that Tony is trustworthy, he told us he lied. Different."

With everyone blurting out the truth, Trisha apparently felt compelled to join in, because she yelled, "I'm going to admit something to you guys that I haven't admitted, I'm really a man!"

And sadly that just confused me, because I was pretty sure that everybody already thought that Trisha was dude.

The Immunity Challenge required the teams to race through an obstacle course, maneuver a key through rope maze, chop through a rope to get puzzle pieces, and solve that puzzle to get the winning combination.

But when Solana ended up winning, Tony yelled, "Top five, we made the final five!"

That caused his Donuts r' Us alliance member Sarah to notice, "I wasn't standing over there, so I think that's a pretty tell tale sign that I'm not included in their future plans."

So much for swearing to each other on their badges.

Of course, even with five on his side and Aparri going to this week's Tribal Council, Tony still didn't have numbers going forward, as Solana still had them outnumbered 6-5. 

Even the intellectually challenged Jeremiah noticed saying, "Tony made the dumbest mistake on Earth by yelling out 'Top Five.'"

At Tribal Council Alexis got blindsided, meaning the last two hot girls both left unexpectedly. I guess I'll have to see if I still have it in myself to blog again next week.

Alexis Maxwell posing in her underwear

...Sigh.

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "He always asks her to shake her butt"

This week's Survivor began with the Nerd Tribe in shambles.

Or as Kass said, "We're not the Brain Tribe, we're the crap for brain tribe. Just a rolling log jam mess, with a couple of nerds on top."

However, when the teams arrived for the Reward Challenge, Jeff dropped a bombshell, "All right everybody, drop your buffs," as he announced that the three original tribes would be merging into two new ones.

The three nerds stayed together, while adding Morgan, Alexis, Jeremiah and Sarah to form the new Aparri Tribe. Meanwhile, Cliff, Wu, Trish, Jefra, LJ, Lindsey and Tony joined forces to form the Solana Tribe.

The new tribes then participated in the Reward Challenge where the teams sent out pairs of two to try and remove an opponent who had wrapped themselves around a pole, and then drag that opponent to the finish line the fastest.

Unfortunately, the reward wasn't all that great, as all the winners got was some coffee, sweets and a case of the shits.

The new Solana Tribe ended up winning because Aparri was unable to pry Cliff off the pole two times in a row.

That made me think that the Aparri Tribe probably should have put Morgan up on their pole, because like Cliff, I'm pretty sure that once she gets on that pole, she's on it for life.

Talk about an amazing Reward Challenge, Morgan McLeod nearly popped a boob, while Lindsey Ogle got an ass wedgie!

After the merge, Trish set her sights on the much younger LJ. "I think LJ's a really handsome guy, but I could be his mother. I mean, I'm not Ms. Robinson."

And LJ saw that as an opportunity to stay in the game.

"If for whatever reason I'm a draw to somebody who's a little bit older, that's single, and you know, who's been through a lot of stuff, whether it's the sex appeal...I'm going to use it to save myself."

Lindsey was less than impressed.

"Trish totally exaggerates her laugh around guys, and it makes me sick. I mean, you're 50 years old, stop trying to get attention from 20 year old men.

Trisha was much funnier when she was "Fire Marshall Bill."

Alexis approached former Brain Tribe members Kass, Tasha and Stewart about joining up with them, while throwing Morgan and Jeremiah under the bus.

Morgan had the same idea, and tried to throw the bus right back on top of Alexis.

"LJ and her like cuddle together every night, and he always asks her to shake her butt. She like prides herself on being able to Twerk really well."

Then again, I don't know that Morgan's attack was quite as hard hitting as she thought it was, because if I was in a tribe with Alexis, I'd probably ask her to shake her butt too.

Of course, Jeremiah made it three when he volunteered to jump shit and leave the former Beauty's in order to align with the pathetic Nerds, who like redheads, were all but extinct heading into the merge.

Meanwhile, Jefra and LJ went the other direction, and lobbied to join up with the former Brawns.

Jefra Bland doing her best to lobby for a new alliance.

The Immunity Challenge required the tribes to use a log as a battering ram and blast through two walls, and then navigate that log through a table maze.

Aparri ended up winning Immunity, while Tony asked in disbelief, "How did that happen?"

Sure enough, Tony targeted LJ for eviction, as did the rest of the former Brawns. Or as Lindsey said, "Trisha is up his ass."

However, Trish wanted to get rid of Cliff because he was "Shady," even though he wasn't, and when she told LJ of her plan, he seemed to think that he was safe enough not to play his Idol.

At Tribal Council, Lindsey declared how the former Brawns needed to stick together regardless of pecking order, as they needed numbers heading into a merge.

Lindsey Ogle: Talk about sticky buns!

For some reason LJ decided not to play his Idol, which turned out to be the right move, because Cliff got blindsided when Tony and Trish both decided to vote against him.