Realizing that his alliance of "cool kids" wasn't really considered all that popular after all, Reynold approached Matt to smooth things over. "We are not friends, but we need each other to win."
Of course, the prepster dork turned out to be totally disingenuous saying, "It's like Revenge of the Nerds,"
Reynold Toepfer seems to think of himself as a character from Revenge of the Nerds. I'm just not sure whether he thinks he was Stan Gable or Ogre...Personally, I'm going with Lamar.
Sherri Biethman, the cougar mom and restaurateur seemed to have had enough of dealing with bratty private school kids in her life...At least when she isn't trying to pick them up at underage college bars.
"All I do is deal with snotty teenage brats all day." Of course, I'm not so sure that statement will go over too well with the 65 teenage employees in her empire of crappy fast food restaurants.
In fact, let's just say that I wouldn't feel too comfortable eating the white glaze on the pastries from any of the Cinnabons in the greater Boise, Idaho area anytime soon. Then again, that's why I don't eat in any crappy chain restaurants...Or live in Idaho.
Retro Commercial Break: Jimmy John's can suck it...Quiznos and their singing Kung Fu Hamsters is where it's at!
After braving the elements and surviving on only 19-hours of sleep per day, Shamar seemed ready to go back to his cushy life of living in tents in "Occupy America" movements.
As he contemplated quitting Shamar said, "I actually came into the game really wanting the million dollars."
Of course, that was until he realized that he'd actually have to put in at least a little bit of effort get that money...Semper Fi!
Knowing just what button to push, and much like any southern Democrat, Sherri told Shamar that he could remain in the game without doing any work, so long as he would just vote with her alliance.
Not wanting to go out with a chip on his shoulder, Shamar was heard saying, "I'm not going to be the angry black man in SURVIVOR, it's just not going to happen."
Of course, he didn't realize that he had already made Chuck D look like a frat boy cracka...Kind of like Reynold.
Meanwhile, Malcolm and Corinne managed to sneak off into the jungle in their underwear in order to...F-ind the Hidden Immunity Idol for the Favorites Tribe.
Corrine Kaplan doing her version of the "Harlem Shake," only with her boobies instead of crazy costumes.
Much like Russell's Nephew, Cochran struggled with the prospect of being around half way pretty girls who were wearing nothing but their underwear, only for different reasons.
"It's not normal for me to be surrounded by all these beautiful women who, half the time just are wearing their underwear, but it's real here," proving that SURVIVOR is Cochran's real life version of the TV show LOST.
In fact, I can see Cochran remaining in the Caramoan and protecting the island years and years after everyone else leaves.
While Russell's Nephew was assured that he was safe, unfortunately that assurance came from a girl.
So in order to redeem himself in the eyes of his family patriarchy of redneck dwarfs, Brandon went on to threaten, "I'll pee in the rice, I'll pee in the beans, I'll burn the shelter to the ground"...(THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!)"
Unless social services gets involved, Brandon Hantz' poor little redneck daughter doesn't stand a chance.
At the Immunity Challenge the teams had to swim out and retrieve a submerged chest, toss grappling hooks, and then drag their chest to the finish line.
Fortunately, the Favorites overcame Brandon Hantz' gut and black underpants and pulled off the win.
While Shamar had been brought into the loop by Sherri, he still told Hope her plan to split the vote between Eddie and herself before Tribal Counsel, being the idiot that he is.
Sure enough, Hope sold Shamar out at Tribal Counsel in order to try and save herself. Nonetheless, Hope, Eddie and Shamar each received three votes.
And with Reynold once again having refused to give away or play his Idol, Hope went home as the first player to ever arrive on SURVIVOR already emaciated.
Surprisingly, as she left Hope Driskell delusionally said, "I thought I was a strong player."
After Sean broke up with Desiree's brother, he took the remaining three women to Thailand in hopes of finding himself the perfect teenage boy.
Sean commented that he liked AshLee because he wanted someone who was open and honest, which apparently made up for the part where she refuses to have fun.
...Not to mention that she perpetually looks like she's trying to figure out where in the house her dog secretly shit.
On the other hand, Lindsay wore a super tiny bikini, a hoochie mama dress and then ate bugs on their date in hopes of passing the boob, butt and gag reflex tests before her chance to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite with Sean.
Of course, that was before Sean announced that he was a "born again virgin" and an ex-boyfriend reportedly started shopping naked pictures that Lindsay Yenter had texted him to various gossip websites.
Sean decided to take AshLee outside of her comfort zone by making her swim with him through a fairly dark cave.
It was then that AshLee dropped a bombshell on all of America, informing us for the first time that she was "abandoned as a child."
I'm starting to pick up on a theme here...I'm wondering if AshLee Frazier's ass has abandonment issues too?
AshLee told Sean about how she was not the type of girl who would just settle when it came to a relationship...Which explains why she was married and divorced by the time she left high school.
Catherine began saying her multiplication tables starting with "1 x 1," "2 x 2," and then saying saying that she could "go all the way to 56."
And while most American's probably need a little bit of time to figure out "8 x 7," that officially made Catherine Giudici the worst Asian ever.
Catherine then revealed that she been the victim of bullying while growing up. "I've been made fun of all my life," with people telling her that she was "chubby" or that she ate "too much."
Meanwhile, Sean ignored Catherine in order to make sure that his hair was properly frosted for the Rose Ceremony.
At the Rose Ceremony AshLee told Sean that "Because of you, I know that I'm no longer broken."
Unfortunately, AshLee's new personal record for mental stability lasted for all of 45 seconds, as Sean's eyes showed the viewing audience that he was about to emotionally crush her.
Interestingly, the amount of cleavage that each girl showed at the Rose Ceremony was inversely proportionate to how safe each girl felt.
In the end, Sean sent Ashlee home over Catherine by telling her, "I thought it was you from the very beginning." Of course, that was just a polite way of saying that I thought you were hot until I got to know you.
As she left AshLee exclaimed, "Falling in love isn't fun," which probably explains why she got sent home.
The hometown date episode began with AshLee bringing Sean to Houston to meet her adopted parents.
Unfortunately for Sean, not getting to see AshLee's biological mother turned out to be a major problem, as it left him unsure of how fat she'll eventually end up getting.
With AshLee having been adopted by a minister and his wife, we did get to play an exciting game of, "Were they foster parents or child molesters?"
And when AshLee's adoptive father said, "The minute I saw her I had a connection and I fell in love with her," we all knew that it was the latter.
Surprisingly, AshLee's adoptive father wasn't at all reluctant to give his blessing for his daughter to marry some guy from a reality TV show.
Then again, he did allow her to get married when she was a Junior in high school, so at least his parental skills have improved in the past 15 years.
After meeting AshLee's family, Sean went on to meet Catherine in her hometown of Seattle, where it turned out that her family was Asian.
Sean tried to impress Catherine's family by doing push-ups, which as it turns out, is just a cute thing that he does whenever he gets nervous.
At least Sean Lowe let Catherine be on top...But probably only because her grandma was watching.
After passing the push-up test, Catherine's sisters did more to warn him than they did to feel him out. In fact, they warned him how she wasn't "a relationship girl," about her lack of desire to have children, and her mood swings.
And while that type of endorsement (or lack thereof) should have been enough to sent any normal man running, we have to keep in mind that Sean kept Tierra LiCausi around for most of the season in spite of all her red-flags.
Sean then moved on to meet Lindsey, who he tried to impress by doing push-ups.
If only Sean Lowe could just figure out how to multi-task and do push-ups with his shirt off.
He also had to meet Lindsey's father, who is a two-star Army General. And aside from all of the guns that he had mounted on his wall, her dad actually seemed pretty cool.
Last, and probably least, Sean went to visit Desiree in her "natural environment" in Los Angeles, which was where her family's trailer just happened to be parked that week.
Desiree did get back at Sean for playing the practical joke on her during their date at the art museum by having someone pose as her crazy ex-boyfriend who was trying to win her back.
Sean was clearly agitated when some dude arrived at her door pleading, "I've been texting, calling. Where the Hell have you been?"
And after a brief showdown where Sean warned, "First of all, I'm standing right here," and, "Don't put your hands on me," it turned out that the real threat was really Desiree's white trash brother, Nate.
And while Dez's family was otherwise happy to see her work her way out of the trailer, Nate wasn't all that cool with anybody sleeping with his sister who wasn't him.
"There's no way this can work out...I think your a playboy." That caused Sean to respond by saying, "I'm sorry you got that opinion, but it's not me."
Of course, Nate wasn't aware that Sean's really gay...I mean a "born again virgin."
And by claiming that he's a born again virgin, Sean Lowe conveniently has a built in excuse as to why he's not been all that intimate with any of the women this season.
Realizing that he had an incredibly difficult decision to make as to who to keep between Catherine and Desiree, Sean decided to take off his shirt in order to help himself think.
Aware that her brother may have ruined her chance to upgrade to a double wide, Desiree pulled Sean aside during the Rose Ceremony to apologize for Nate and his frightening white guy hand tattoo.
At least Desiree's crazy ex-con brother Nate didn't have access to any dangerous weapons.
That caused Catherine to question, "Should I have pulled him aside? I don't want to go home," which wasn't exactly the same thing as saying that she was worried about losing Sean as a person, if you read between the lines.
Sure enough, it was Desiree who was sent packing, allowing her brother to compete for her hand as a contestant when she winds up being the next Bachelorette.
Russell's Nephew came back from the first Tribal Council furious over the fact that the Veterans had voted out Francesca first for the second time in her two seasons...Even though the other obvious option would have been to vote for him.
For some reason Russell's Nephew went after Dawn with his redneck verbal and physical intimidation, forgetting for a moment that she wasn't even one of the good looking girls that he needed to send home for fear that he might have to "accidentally" rape her.
And when Russell's Nephew got in Dawn's face and yelled, "I'm a fucking honey badger dude," she immediately ran off into the woods and cried with Lisa Whelchel.
And when Brandon Hantz calls himself a "fucking honey badger," he really means "poo bear."
Not resting on intimidating a middle aged Mormon lady who had never been away from her husband and four co-wives, Russell's Nephew decided that he was finally going to make his family proud.
"I'm thinking of going Russell Hantz style on these bitches right now. I feel like Rambo. I honestly feel his blood flowing through my body right now. It's like a wave, and it's coming back. It feels great."
He went on to tell Erik, "It would be really fun to screw things up, just make camp life miserable. I can make Russell look like a little pussy...I'm playing DIR-TEE to the core, I wanna go out with a bang."
And as much as Russell's Nephew wanted to finally make uncle Russell proud of him, he wimped out by the next morning.
As in yet another one of his dramatic mood swings, undoubtedly caused by having to detox from drugs much like Charlie Sheen, Brandon announced that he wanted to play clean and restore his family's name.
In fact, Brandon's whole rant sounded an awful like Sheen, who infamously said, "They picked a fight with a warlock," and "I got tiger blood, man...Adonis DNA."
If Brandon Hantz really wants to be like Charlie Sheen, he either needs to get better writers or less haggard looking "Goddesses."
Picking up on Brandon's tendencies, Phillip called Russell's Nephew "crazy," while Cochran labeled him as a "sociopathic murderer."
Meanwhile, Phillip began referring to himself as the tribe's CEO in his delusional vision of a corporate world in which casual Friday means wearing white tighty-whities instead of the colored ones that he normally wears.
Obviously questioning his own sexuality after seeing Phillip's bulge, Russell's Nephew began to target him, calling Phillip "Special Agent Pink Panther."
Ironically, Brandon Hantz called Phillip the "biggest bully out here," not realizing that he was wearing Phillip's underwear on his head.
For the Fans, Sherri noted the "Lovers" Alliance" that had developed between Eddie, Hope, Reynold and Allie, but not necessarily in that order when it came to their couple combinations.
That lead Sherri to organize the other six members in the Fans Tribe that the "Cool Kids" had dogged in order to break up their alliance.
The prospect of joining an alliance with numbers thrilled Shamar, who had been spending 19 hours a day sleeping.
Shamar Thomas put his "Occupy Wallstreet" training to good use by sleeping most of the day under the guise that being lazy, loud and angry would make him less of a threat to the rest of the tribe.
The Immunity Challenge involved a tribe members pulling their teammates on a raft to a platform, where they would dive to release rings that would be tossed onto poles back on shore, with the winners also receiving a fishing kit.
While Shamar bitched and whined about being relegated to being a puller, his fatness became his best asset, as he was the only player for the Fans who even came remotely close to giving their tribe a chance to win.
And upon arriving back at camp, Reynold let Shamar have it. "I'm going to call you out right now. Your behavior, where I come from is unacceptable."
Of course, Reynold Toepfer comes from the "Land of 10,000 Mullets," so we should probably take that into consideration.
As usual, Shamar handled his confrontations with the utmost class shouting, "SHUT UP! STOP TALKING TO ME! SHUT UP!"
Sensing that he might be in trouble, Reynold went out in the jungle looking for the Hidden Immunity Idol, which he promptly found in like five minutes. That gave him plenty of time to look at his reflection in a puddle that he found.
Wanting to play his good fortune low key, Reynold declared that he wasn't going to "walk back into camp with some stupid grin on my face and a giant bulge in my pocket."
Sure enough, Laura instantly outed Reynold. "I see a bulge in Reynold's pocket, and we all know that the only thing that you would put in your pocket before Tribal Council is the hidden Immunity Idol."
No need for Reynold Toepfer to flatter himself about that bulge...It looks like he stuffs his pants.
However, Laura did not have a chance to tell her alliance before she left, so she had to out Reynold at Tribal Council by saying, "I saw a bulge from one pocket."
And while she refused to say who, she looked directly at Reynold, who outed himself. "Apparently my pants are too tight."
And while Reynold indicated that he intended to play his Idol, he decided that he wasn't quite ready to give his bulge up.
That sent fellow "Cool Kid" Allie home, a little bit more humbled than she was when she arrived.
I pretty much stopped watching movies and DVD's when Hollywood studios began trying to out “special effect” each other in order to overcompensate for bad writing and a lack of original ideas, a/k/a "the George Lucas syndrome."
My formula for predicting the Academy Award winners despite not ever watching movies is simple. I use a combination of word of mouth, watching movie trailers, reading movie posters, and my own personal analysis of how Hollywood works.
Ironically, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has been proven remarkable inept at casting somebody with the stage presence and comedic wit to host their own major awards show.
...Save for the 12-13 times that the Academy has gone to the well for Billy Crystal.
That has lead to sagging ratings, as well as last year's disastrous paring of red carpet darling Anne Hathaway and the talentless James Franco in attempt to draw a younger audience.
Cue this year's host, Seth McFarland, who's a natural choice given his pension for writing and singing Broadway-esque scores on his show The Family Guy, an ability to see humor in pop culture, and a quick wit that he's demonstrated during various celebrity roasts.
Then again, McFarland has admitted that he plans to start drinking whiskey before the show, and with his propensity to push the envelope of good taste, the politically liberal but socially conservative Academy should be crapping in their Depends.
Throw in a rare live performance by Barbara Streisand, who's known to have stage fright, and we could have the recipe for a disaster of epic proportions.
Nonetheless, the Academy will still be getting the ratings spike that they've been craving, whether it be for better or worse.
So without further ado, let's pray to God that the Academy's decision to reach out to the masses doesn't include Steven Spielberg, and rank the nominees for Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Picture:
Best Actor:
5. Joaquin Phoenix - The Master: In The Master Juaquin Phoenix played a character who indulged his every appetite, whether it involved drink, sex or violence. That is, until he stumbled upon June Carter...I mean a shady cult leader. Fortunately, he beat the shit out of Carter before she could go on to brainwash most of Hollywood in this thriller based upon the origins of the Church of Scientology in a parallel universe.
4. Denzel Washington - Flight: Denzel Washington plays a professional who emerges as a reluctant hero, but has substance abuse issues that come back haunt him. Sorry...But I've been there and done that. If Mathew Fox didn't win a Emmy for playing Jack Shephard in Lost, Denzel Washington certainly isn't winning an Oscar for his role in Flight.
3. Hugh Jackman - Les Miserables: Don't get me wrong, Hugh Jackman has a beautiful voice and great stage presence, but he'll take home a Tony long before he takes home an Oscar.
And based on this photo, Hugh Jackman will take home his Les Miserables co-star Amanda Seyfried long before he takes home his wife, Deborra-Lee Furness.
2. Bradley Cooper - Silver Linings Playbook: Bradley Cooper may have screwed himself forever in the eyes of the Academy in 2010 when he guest hosted an episode of WWE's Raw. However, as People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive," the Academy will gladly use him to hype up their red carpet ratings.
And with chiseled abs and an edgy tattoo, Bradley Cooper is Academy's new George Clooney.
1. Daniel Day Lewis - Lincoln: Daniel Day Lewis is in a position to potentially win a record breaking third Oscar for Best Actor, which would distinguish him from the likes of Spencer Tracy, Gary Cooper, Marlon Brando and Tom Hanks.
And if your guess was Tom Hanks, you win!
Best Actress:
5. Emmanuelle Riva - Amour: The oldest nominee for Best Actress in Oscar history at 85, Riva plays an octogenarian with rapidly declining health who is determined to stay out of a nursing home. And while she is said to play that role remarkably well, an 85-year-old lady playing the role of somebody who craps herself is about as impressive as Tom Cruise playing a cocky rule breaker who overcomes his personal deamons to save the day.
4. Naomi Watts - The Impossible: In TheImpossible, Naomi Watts' plays the haunting role of real life super model Petra Nemcova, who lost her boyfriend in the devastating tsunami that hit Thailand in 2004. Not only did Nemcova miraculously survive that tragedy, but she coined the term "Tsunami chic" when she was found clinging to a tree to stay above the tidal wave with one hand, while smoking a cigarette and drinking a Diet Pepsi with the other when rescuers finally found her.
3. Quvenzhane Wallis- Beasts of the Southern Wild: Not only is Quvenzhane Wallis the youngest Best Actress nominee ever at the age of 9. In fact, this year there is a 76 year age difference between the oldest (Emmanuella Reva) and the youngest nominees. The only problem fro Wallis is that Beasts of the Southern Wild was filmed with non professional, i.e., non union actors, meaning that as a "scab" she doesn't have a chance in Hell of winning accolades from the liberal Academy...Even though she was only 6 when Beasts of the Southern Wild was filmed. 2. Jennifer Lawrence - Silver Linings Playbook: Jennifer Lawrence portrays a young widow with an affinity for dancing. It's kind an on-screen adaption of Casey Anthony's post parental life...Wait a second, that's not "widow" means, is it?
1. Jessica Chastain- Zero Dark Thirty: Jessica Chastain plays a female CIA agent who overcomes internal sexism and uses her interrogation skills to track down one of history's most notorious killers in the latest installment of Silence of the Lambs, much to Jodie Foster's chagrin.
Best Picture:
9. Django Unchained: Let's look at Quentin Tarantino's Oscar chances for Best Picture in the form of an analogy. "Woody Allen is to the Oscars as to Quentin Tarantino is to ______."
And when I tell you that the blank is "Golden Globes," you quickly realize why Tarantino's Django Unchained is ranked #9 out of nine films in the running for Best Picture at this year's Oscars.
As a side note, after his outburst backstage at this year's Golden Globes, Tarantino has now gotten away with saying the "N-word" more times without getting his ass kicked other than any other white guy in the history of Hollywood who's not named Mel Gibson.
8. Les Miserables: A big screen adaptation of a classic literary and musical work. And while casual fans of the big screen seem to love Anne Hathaway and her outgoing lady parts, true fans of both the literary and musical versions seem to consider this variation a steaming pile of shit.
7.Amour: A foreign drama about love and aging as an elderly couple deals with the wife's failing health. The movie was considered a surprise success, mainly because the two lead characters, both well into their 80's, made it through filming without dying...Take that Larry Hagman!
6. The Life of Pi: It's like the producers of this film decided to remake the film Cast Away about being stranded on a beach with no modern amenities, only with Asian people. Unfortunately, Ang Lee didn't realize that a TV show called SURVIVOR has been telling the same story about Asian people nearly every week for the past 12 years.
5. Beasts of the Southern Wild: An art house film about a little girl living in a waterlogged post apocalyptic landscape following a catastrophic hurricane in Louisiana.
Rumor has it that Kevin Costner was in line to reprise his role in this Waterworld sequel until the film went in more of an art house direction with a cast of non-professional actors.
And while it appears as if super villain George W. Bush dies at the end of the movie, just enough doubt was left that he could return in third and final film in what is sure to be a trilogy of Waterworld masterpieces.
3. Silver Linings Playbook: This film as a lead actor in Bradley Cooper who's bipolar, a lead actress in Jennifer Lawrence who's a depressed sex addict, and a supporting actor in Robert De Niro who's OCD. And while any of those roles would typically favored to win an Oscar in their respective category, this film is like the Kim Kardashian of films when it comes to trying too hard...Or at least any film that doesn't involve getting peed on by Ray J)
2. Lincoln: I know that Hollywood likes to look the other way when Directors take creative liberties with movies loosely based in historical fact, but I think Steven Spielberg went a little too far when he made Abraham Lincoln a vampire hunter.
1. Argo: Argo is an exciting Hollywood adaptation about a historical event that was relatively boring in real life. In short, any time where you can take a relatively boring historical event involving white people and take liberty with the facts to make the finish exciting, Hollywood loves it!..Kind of like the movie Hoosiers.
The 2013 NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this week, beginning with the sports biggest race of the year! And after the Nationwide Series 300 Mile Race at Daytona Speedway comes the Daytona 500.
I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from picking up a limited edition hunting case of Busch beer that has those orange cans, Googling "Danica Patrick naked," and predicting the 2013 Sprint Cup results.
I'm not kidding about this, as a cross promotion Busch actually produced gun cases with a matching pattern...Because nothing goes better with guns than rednecks.
The racing season has gotten off to some rocky starts over the years, with delays due to race related deaths, potholes, and even burning vehicles on the side of the road.
Ironically, Brad Keslowski had to navigate those pitfalls on an everyday basis while growing up in Detroit, making him the early favorite to win the 2013 Daytona 500...Maybe then he'll finally get his fucking teeth fixed.
You see, the NASCAR brain trust apparently didn't realize that it might be problematic to use jet fuel to dry excess moisture from a track that's lined by 70,000 chain smokers and privy to more sparks from metal on metal body contact than a hotel room shared by Rob Halford of Judas Priest and Fred Durst.
And when a slightly intoxicated driver slams into a truck spraying jet fuel on the track (while the race was still going on I might add)...Boom goes the dynamite. Fortunately NASCAR tracks all have those sturdy chain link fences to protect their fans from dangers like fire and flying engine parts.
Fortunately, NASCAR has remedied that problem this season by rigging a pickup truck (naturally) with blowers extending from the same area of the trailerhitch that the fake nut sack is supposed to dangle from.
People with "The NASCAR Gene" are no strangers to jury rigging things...After all, they are the same people that showed the world that a "mower cycle" is actually a piece of lawn care equipment, and not just something that is said by an Outlaw biker with a speech impediment.
The big change for the upcoming NASCAR season is the switch to their new "Generation Six" cars.
Not only are those cars designed to look more like their street counterparts, but their bumpers no longer automatically line up, making it more difficult for Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. to "bump draft" Danica Patrick's tailpipe...Well, at least not while the race is going on.
With that said, how will this season play out? Let's take a look.
POLE POSITION
(Who the Top 10 finishers in the 2012 Sprint Cup will be, and why)
10. and 9. Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. - Patrick and Stenhouse tried to hide their budding relationship while Patrick was still married, but who were they kidding?
I mean, Stenhouse's racing team credits her with convincing him to cut his mullet a couple of years ago, which in some parts of Kentucky and West Virginia makes them legally married.
Fortunately, Patrick and Stenhouse's romantic relationship is a marketer's dream. In fact, I see the potential for the first ever car sponsored by a sex related product like KY Jelly or Trojan condoms...That is, assuming that ex-racer Dick Trickle didn't cash in on his legendary name during his career.
Actually, this doesn't even surprise me in the least...Cigarettes and "Dick Trickle" have always gone hand in hand.
8. Arie Luyendyk, Jr. - If Danica Patrick can make the switch from IndyCar to NASCAR, then surely the runner up on The Bachelor can do it too, right?
I'm pulling for this to happen if for no other reason than to see Arie and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. live off of their father's legacies and argue over who gets first crack at Emily Maynard (the former Bachelorette star and ongoing NASCAR groupie) in their trailer after the race.
7. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - Speaking of "Junior," last year he was having his best season in ages before getting shut down during "The Chase for the Sprint Cup" due to a concussion.
My question is, how do you determine someone's concussion baseline for the purposes of testing when that person is mentally retarded like Dale Earnhardt, Jr. to begin with?
Unfortunately for "Little E," NASCAR's scoring system has been revised to reward drivers who actually win, which means that his season is pretty much over before it even begins...And there ain't enough restrictor plates in the world that can fix that.
To make matters worse, Earnhardt seems to be struggling with the new "Generation Six" cars, having caused a twelve car pileup in what was merely a testing run.
He went on to claim that left him even more embarrassed than the opening weekend of last year's Chase, when he blew a motor at the end of his qualifying lap by over-revving it while trying to knock the car out of gear.
Interestingly, that's the exact same thing that I saw some guy do to his Camaro when I was watching all the "Camaro Guys" and "Douchey McMustangs" cruise the local McDonald's parking lot back in high school.
This poor Dale Earnhardt, Jr. groupie spelled "butt" wrong...Bless her pretty little heart.
6. Kevin Harvick - After rumors of an impending divorce, DeLana Harvick was seen wearing a T-shirt proclaiming, "I wear the firesuit in this family!"
In fact, it would have been her exclusive right to wear one pursuant to a clause in their pre-nuptual agreement, which could have ended Kevin's racing career given NASCAR's strict safety requirements that they don't ever enforce (Dale Earnhardt, Sr., cough - cough).
DeLana Harvick was rumored to be having an affair with her personal trainer. Kevin Harvick was rumored to be having an affair with Tony Stewart.
However, the divorce fizzled when it was announced that DeLana got knocked up.
And before we could even get the results to the paternity test, things got weird last fall when Tony Stewart was captured goosing DeLana on camera.
And while they all laughed it off by saying that it was consensual and done in fun for luck, where I come from my co-workers don't grab my girlfriend's ass for good luck...They grab mine.
5. Jeff Gordon - The normally squeaky clean Gordon raised some eyebrows last year when he intentionally wrecked Clint Bowyer, which resulted in another one of NASCAR's legendary bitch fights.
To add more tension to the mix, the two reportedly had an awkward run-in on Puff Daddy's yacht at his New Year's Eve party.
Now I just need someone to fill in the gap and explain to me how Jeff Gordon and Clint Bowyer went from fighting at a NASCAR race to attending a New Year's Eve party thrown by Puff Daddy.
4. Clint Bowyer - Confirming the argument that NASCAR drivers are not even remotely close to being athletes, Clint Bowyer noted how he doesn't work out at the gym because, "Those weights are heavy," which is probably why they're called "weights."
Boyer made news last year by asking a foreign reporter if they have rednecks in Europe after talking about how he was going to "Redneck it up" after a big win.
After getting Bowyer's definition of what a redneck was, the reporter responded by saying that Germany had people like that up north, but they were considered less intelligent than the people in the rest of the country.
That caused Bowyer to exclaim, "That's us!"
Speaking of which, sometimes I kind of wish that I was retarded...It's gotta kind of be like being drunk, but all the time.
Not wanting to be outdone by her male NASCAR rivals, Danica Patrick finds out what it feels like to be on the other end of a "mamo-graph."
3. Jimmie Johnson - Having layed off of liquor and fatty foods this offseason while preparing to run a half marathon during the week of the Daytona 500, Jimmie Johnson is the polar opposite of Clint Bowyer and Tony Stewart.
I guess that explains why Jimmie Johnson is living the redneck dream of getting to meet former President George W. Bush and having an ex-model for a wife.
If you pee on the home pregnancy test stick and numbers appear, it means you got knocked up by a NASCAR driver.
2. Tony Stewart - Why do I think that Tony Stewart has hidden cameras in his racing team's trailer hoping to secretly videotape Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. sneaking in a "quicky" so he can market it as a sex tape?
Starring Danica Patrick: "ASSCAR - The Ballad of Ricky's Boobies."
1. Brad Keslowski - During his Sprint Cup Championship season in 2012 Keslowski: Tweeted while driving during a race, "Tebowed" after a victory while holding a can of beer to honor a bet that he had made after a night of drinking, and chugged beer out of "The Big Beer Glass" following his victory.
Whether it's Tweeting while driving or slamming beers at the track, I don't think Brad Keslowski is going to be earning any safe driver discounts in time in the near future..
Does anybody else find this commerical for "The General" with a Confederate era rebel cartoon character to be inherently racist?
Finally, let's hope that James Franco does a better job as the Grand Marshall of the Daytona 500 than he did hosting last year's Oscars...If not, there's always this guy!
This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or any evangelical church for that matter.
This season began another installment of SURVIVOR: Fans vs. Favorites, which means that the Hantz family was able to avoid going on Welfare for a record breaking 4th consecutive year.
Who am I kidding, I'm pretty sure that the Russell Hantz clan continues to draw Welfare despite their reality TV money.
The "Fans" did not seem rattled at all to learn that they were competing against former players, with someone even yelling out "Nerd Alert!" as John Cochran climbed out of the "Favorites" boat.
Immediately after their introduction, the two tribes participated in a Reward Challenge for fire and beans in a full contact game of capture the flag, with a floating ring replacing the flag, while they wrestled in waist deep water.
Things got real fast when the ex-Marine and controversial "Occupy New York" activist Shamar Thomas yelled for Sherri to "Break her wrist!" as she competed against Brenda.
Shamar Thomas' comment caused a flabbergasted Jeff Probst to completely stop what he was doing and ask, What!?!"
However, the "Favorites" came back to win, highlighted by Brandon Hantz ass raping Jersey douche bag Eddie Fox, and Malcolm Freberg losing his pants in the process of scoring the final point the veterans needed for a win.
Malcolm Freberg, exposing his llilly white ass.
At the Gota Tribe camp, Matt advocated building a shelter first, while Shamar demanded that they try to start fire so they could boil their drinking water.
Things got tense for a moment, with Matt bitching at Shamar for pouting and sitting on his ass, and Shamar snapping back by yelling, "SHUT UP! STOP TALKING!"
Fortunately, Ebony and Ivory finally came together, with Matt putting together a shelter and Shamar getting off his ass to show his tribe how to start a fire by rubbing kindling together, thereby forming the Arian Nation-Nubian alliance.
Eddie and Reynold bonded over being the tribe's wanna be alpha male douche bags, calling themselves "The hunted species."
Reynold went on to bring Allie into their alliance and described her by saying, "She's not the cutest, she's not anything. She's just cool, and there, and likable."
And after Reynold told Allie that he would act low key with her around camp in order to hide their alliance, Laura busted them cuddling in bed on the very first night.
Eddie bonded with Hope, and she described their connection by saying, "That's because we're the only two people here to look at."
Coming from a guy who likes skinny women, Hope Driskill clearly doesn't realize how unattractively thin she is.
Eddie was equally self absorbed saying, "Me and Hope are the best two looking people here. I'm not just saying that, it's the truth."
That lead to Reynold, Allie, Hope and Eddie all sneaking off into the ocean, with Reynold arrogantly saying, "We were all going to try and not be a cliche and have the cool kids hang out, but it happened."
Hope added, "It's true though," while Eddie said, "It's like the cool kid table back in high school," claiming that he didn't expect anyone else to be pretty or cool enough to join their group.
Of course, they were too narcissistic to realize that Matt was actually cooler than either of the two guys, and Julie was better looking than both of the girls.
Pop Culture Video Break: Mindy McCready's life turned out to be a complete and total waste...Her dog didn't even get the chance to eat her corpse.
For the Veterans, Phillip channeled his inner secret agent by trying to put an alliance together, complete with code names like "The Dominatrix" (Corinne), "The Eliminator" (Andrea), and "The Under-cover Brother" (himself).
Personally, I would have gone with "Mr. Pink," but that's just me.
However, not everyone was on board with his offer of membership in the 007 Alliance, as Erik did not appreciate his "join or get voted out" sales pitch.
Meanwhile, red-headed Cochran managed to get come down with the worst sunburn since the last time I tried to stay out on a lake all afternoon on a 4th of July.
That weekend actually lead me to replace my standard "Burn, peel, repeat" routine with "Blister, puss, and cry."
And when the teams got to the Immunity Challenge, Jeff Probst immediately commented, "That's the worst sunburn in the history of SURVIVOR! When did that happen?
And while Cochran playfully responded by saying, "Immediately," he also let on how bad he was hurting when the cameras ran in private.
"I'm actually in horrible pain right now. My new persona is to be strong with a little bit of swagger...I can't be that freak I was last time."
Cochran did seem to be getting along exceptionally well with his tribe, describing his social game as "The aloe to my sunburn."
The challenge itself required teams of two from each tribe to climb up ladders to different floors of a mock building, and then throw boxes with bean bags to the ground so a thrower could engage in a bean bag toss.
And while the Favorites broke out to an early lead, Reynold ended up tossing his bean bags much faster than Malcolm, which earned Immunity for the "Fans."
Upon arriving at Tribal Council, Russell's Nephew proclaimed that since they were veterans of the game, nobody was gong to get done the way they did the last time they played.
Brandon Hantz can rest assured. Unlike the last time he played SURVIVOR, he'll leave the game looking fatter, more redneck, and dumber this time around...If that was even possible.
That caused Jeff Probst to jump in and say, "Oh, somebody is!"
And when Francesca took exception to one of Jeff's questions by saying, "It's like you're saying I'm bad at SURVIVOR," Jeff quipped, "No, YOU said that."
That caused Brandon to marvel, "This guy's good!"
In the end, Francesca's worst fears came true, and she was voted out 6-4.
That gave her the dubious record of appearing on two different seasons of SURVIVOR, but only having appeared in two episodes over both of those seasons.
And that alone probably makes her the worst player to ever play the game.
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