The Big Brother 14 Blog: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm a dumb ass"



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Danielle began the final two episodes in shock that Dan broke his word to her and sent her boyfriend Shane home...You know, because she apparently didn't watch the way he played the game all summer.

Danielle confronted Dan by demanding to know, "Why do you continuously lie to me?"

However, Dan cut her off by saying, "Sit down." And like any true southern girl, Danielle immediately did exactly what the guy told her, and she "popped a squat."

After Danielle settled the fuck down, the final three contestants sat and reminisced about the game over brunch. That caused Dan to say, "This beats Chef Joe's cooking any day."

So you don't add oil to the salmon because it's a naturally oily fish...But then you drench your beautiful creation with fucking mayonnaise after you cook it???

That pretty much wasted the better part of the episode, unless you like scripted questions like, "Ian, do you remember when you and Ashley went on that date?"

As if Ian was going to say, "No," and just let them move on to the next question without any flashbacks that the producers had pre-prepared.

After the first of a three part final HOH competition began, we learned that Ian had made a deal with Dan drop out first in return for Dan voting Shane out at the last elimination ceremony.

In what turned out to be an endurance contest where the contestants were dunked into a pond while hanging onto a rope and then slammed repeatedly into a wall, Ian held true to his word.

Dan then tried his best to convince a skeptical Danielle that he had her best interests in mind by evicting Shane when he told her about his deal where Ian would quite 10 minutes into the competition.

Dan then did the inexplicable and asked Danielle to drop out of the first round of the HOH contest, just as he did with Ian.

Danielle protested by saying, "You're asking me to throw my game...Do you know why I'm scared? Your actions, Dan!"

Dan then reasoned with her by asking, "Did he drop after ten minutes?" That caused Danielle to stammer, "Yeah, but...You drive me crazy!"

I don't know how Dan sold it, but something he said triggered Danielle Murphree's innermost daddy issues and got her to intentionally drop from her rope, giving Dan the win in round 1 of the HOH Competition and a free pass into round 3.

Danielle agreeing to throw the first leg of the HOH Competition caused Dan to gush, "I just won the 1st round of the final HOH because I convinced not one, but two people into dumping their chances of winning $500,000 all for me!"

Dan then hatched a contingency plan with Danielle in the event that Ian won the 2nd round of the HOH.

That plan involved Dan congratulating Ian in the event that he won by saying, "We did it," with Danielle intentionally overhearing and calling Ian out for double dealing with her in the attempt to get Ian to drop out of the 3rd round of the HOH Competition with the threat that she would rat him out to the Jury.

And while Ian did go on to win the 2nd round of the Final HOH, he refused Dan's request to throw the third round.

When Dan and Danielle hatched their act Ian said, "Guys, I ain't playin' it, knock it off." Surprisingly, that made Ian the first person all summer to foil one Dan's crazy plans.

Ian then went on to defeat Dan in the final round of the HOH, which required them to guess the correct ending to various quotes about the game that were made by members of the Jury.

While Ian would have had a clear path to victory by taking Danielle and her constantly expanding ass along with him to the final two, he surprisingly remained true to his word to Dan, who may have played the best strategic game in the history of Big Brother ever and sent Danielle home.

I don't know if it was the slop or Chef Joe's cooking, but over the course of the summer, Danielle Murphree turned into a brick shit-house. 

As Ian and Dan were confronted with questions from members of the Jury, Dan held to a plan of complimenting his competitors and telling them that he did what he needed to do.

Meanwhile, Ian pleaded his case by saying that he changed sides and turned on Frank and Mike Boogie in order to put his fate in the game in his own hands.

When Danielle asked Ian why he thought that Dan would take him to the end instead of her, Ian dropped the bomb that her assumption was erroneous.

Ian then revealed that Dan had given him his grandfather's gold cross as security that he would not break his word, and then reiterated that statement in his final speech to the Jury by saying, "His grandfather's cross..."

Ian's revelation once again left Danielle Murphree with her mouth agape with nothing to stick in it after having put all of her trust in one man.

In response to Dan's comment that he was up to his elbows in blood, Joe asked, "What blood are you talking about, and what blood are your trying to take credit for?"

Joe apparently forgot that Dan single handedly sent every single member of the Jury out of the game, thinking for a moment that he was "immaculately evicted," even though he got fucked by Dan just like everyone else.

For some reason Jenn seemed to harbour some type of resentment towards Ian saying, "Where I come from, rats eat cheese." True to her statement of giving a rat a reward that it would absolutely love, she flipped her vote in the end in favor of Ian.

Janelle supported Dan's game by saying, "If (Dan) doesn't win Big Brother 14, it's an absolute travesty." However, the Jury seemed put off by Dan's back-stabbing and voted for Ian to win the $500,000 7-1.

While Danielle had said, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm a dumb ass" after Dan had evicted Shane, she went on to add a fouth to the equation.

As the only Jury vote in Dan's favor, even though he reportedly fucked her over during the course of the game, Danielle took the terms "fool me" and "I'm a dumb ass" to an exponential level."

Janelle did have some interesting words for Danielle, seemingly calling her out for her lies for no apparent reason.

However, if you've been watching the after hour live feeds, Danielle Murphree had apparently told a series of lies including having been abused, kidnapped, treated for breast cancer and a number of other ridiculous claims.

Not only does her  butt seem to waffle, but interviews with some of her former friends revealed that Danielle Murphree may be a habitual liar...Not just to further her game, but to the extent that she may have some serious mental problems.

After prematurely proclaiming himself as the best player in Big Brother history earlier in the season, Mike Boogie had to endure Connie Chung's question about whether Dan had cemented that title during this season's game.

As much as it obviously pained him, Boogie had very little he could say against Dan since he was sitting with the rest of the losers who didn't even make it the Jury, while even Chef Joe Arvin had a Jury vote and a final say in the matter.

Speaking of Joe, the night concluded with Frank winning America's Favorite House Guest and a $25,000 consolation prize, and Wil doing his best impersonation of Joe hating on Dan in true Big Brother fashion.

And to prospectively answer your questions...There's no fucking way that Shane Meaney and Danielle Murphree are ever going to date in real life...Not only is he gay, but that bitch be crazy...See y'all next summer!

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "If you don't take me to the final two, I will castrate you with a butter knife"



Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 14 Blog posts

This week's episode began with a behind the scenes recap of what went on during last week's live double eviction.

During that recap we saw Ian: 1) Pray - "Please God, I'm begging you, I'm begging you, please;" 2) Begin crying; and then, 3) Say, "(It) was one of the best feelings I've ever had in my life."

Sadly, that's exactly how the night I ever had sex for the first time played out for me.

In actuality, we learned that Dan had originally targeted Ian last week under the guise of putting him up as a pawn, only to see Ian save himself by winning the Power of Veto and then this week's HOH.

Dan had to struggle to keep his multiple final two deals together, as Danielle was pissed at him for putting her up as a replacement nominee. "This is the third time Dan has pulled a fast one on me."

Meanwhile, Jenn "Shitty" was pissed at Dan too...Because apparently she didn't appreciate the way he carried her fat ass all the way to the final five even though she didn't make a meaningful game move without his prompting all summer.

Lesbians...They never dp seem to appreciate everything men do for them.

As HOH, Ian was the first house guest in Big Brother history to be presented with the opportunity to open Pandora's Box for a second time.

For some reason, Ian again risked his position of power in the house with a potential negative outcome on the line in order to pursue a reward in what he thought was a message from home, especially since he knew that Rachel Reilly's "box" was still out there.

With a teaser that he would receive a message from "somebody who loved him," and with a picture of his parents on the screen, to nobody's surprise Ian instead received a message from Big Brother's favorite venereal disease, Season 13 winner Rachel Reilly.


As a former Vegas "Go-Girl," Rachel Reilly was happier a whore in a strip club locker room. No wait, that might be the saddest place on earth, but for some reason Rachel still looks happy!

As Rachel went on and on about how she won Big Brother 13 by relying on her fiance Brendan, Ian was heard complaining, "It's like I'm on a bad date...I'm going to vomit," which is exactly how I'd expect somebody like Ian to react to being on a date with a chick who has a penis.

Finally, a NuvaRing big enough to fit Rachel Reilly's vagina.


The rest of the house fared better with Ian's decision to open Rachel's Box, with each contestant getting a videotaped message from a loved one at home.

The three things we learned from those messages were: Danielle Murphree's parents still don't approve of her being on Big Brother, as her sister was the one who sent her a message; Dan Gheesling's wife Chelsea is smoking hot; and,  So is Shane Meaney's sister.

After Ian nominated Jenn and Shane, Jenn talked about how bad she needed to win the POV by proclaiming, "It's in my soul, it's in my blood." And when she said she was "a fighter," she really meant to say "Rod Stewart."

For the first time all summer, Danielle began to question whether Shane was really into her. And shortly after Jenn seemed to convince her that he was playing her, Shane won the POV and earned a "secret" outside of the house reward that he elected to bring Danielle along with him on.

And just like that, we discovered the one thing that could make the U.S. Women's Gold Medal Olympic Team instantaneously less peppy...A visit from Danielle and Shane.

After affirming to Danielle that they were "officially on their first date," Shane took advantage of it by asking her, "Are you gonna let me sleep in your bed tonight?" Danielle then played it totally cool by excitedly responding, "You want to?!?"

Usually when guys start dating a girl, they hope she doesn't turn into her mom. Somehow, with all of her weight gain, Danielle Murphree has managed to become her mom in the course of a single summer, which is why Shane appears to be tuning her out and forcing her to give him a blow job.

Danielle went on to say, "This is one of the top moments in my life so far." Unfortunately, she wasn't referring to meeting the only official "Fab Fab" in the history of U.S. sports, but rather to the fact that a boy had just asked her if it was okay to crawl into bed together for the first time.

Deciding to use his POV, Shane took himself off the block, which left Ian to put up Danielle as a replacement nominee. However, Jenn was still voted off by a vote of 2-0.

Jenn then proceeded to do the most interesting thing she did all summer in scarfing down a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that Connie Chung had offered her since she had been on slop the whole second half of the summer, although I'm thinking that the producers of Big Brother could have splurged for some pizza...Or at least some tuna casserole.

The HOH Competition consisted of a "Photographic Memory" contest, in which the players had to match photos of former house guests to true or false questions. And while Ian claimed to actually have a photographic memory, it was Danielle who actually ended up winning HOH.

We next got our first glimpse at the Jury House, where Brittney seemed to have gotten over having been betrayed by Dan, in what turned out to be a brilliant move that left her blindsided.

Out of respect for his game Brittney said, "Dan definitely burned me in the end. 'Funeral Gate,' shall we say...We all got played by Dan...It's like a club, it's called 'The Jury House.'"

In a strategic move, Dan told Danielle that it was alright if she nominated him along with Ian, showing good faith for his trust in Shane, and she obliged.

The POV Competition was another tailor made contest for Ian called, "Atomic Veto," as it consisted of solving a molecular style puzzle by matching clues with the picture of of one of several potentially correct house guests as answers.

However, Ian struggled with the competition. As Dan said, "After Ian hits the buzzer, I knew he's not right, because I hear him internally melt down and make some type of monster noise."

After Danielle won the POV, Dan convinced her to use it on him, saying he'd be the more trustworthy vote to ensure that the two of them made the final three along with Shane.

Surprisingly, Shane went along with the plan after Danielle after Danielle approached him and assured him that Dan was not going to vote him out. You know...Because he's a male model.

Danielle went as far as to tell Dan, "If you don't take me to the final two, I will castrate you with a butter knife!"

However, Danielle failed to make that same threat to Dan's noisemaker when it came to protecting Shane, and Dan backdoored him as the sole vote to evict.

That cause Ian to hyperventilate and pace around the Big Brother house on his toes while excitedly muttering, "What - Just - Happened!?!"

Danielle was less than pleased that Dan sent the guy who really didn't care about her at all home, demanding to know, "How many times have you broken my trust Dan?"

Danielle probably would have been fine getting backdoored by Shane, but for some reason, she was shocked when Shane got backdoored by Dan...Perhaps the pink shirts should have been her first clue.

Dan then tried to convince Danielle that all of his moves were designed to ensure that she made it to the final two, without Danielle realizing that he didn't want to bring her there as her former Coach and help her win, but as a player, because he wanted somebody that he knew he could beat in the end.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 9:

3. Ian Terry - As good as Ian is playing, is he really prepared to win the game? I mean, would winning totally go to his head, causing him to drop out of school and fly to Vegas and hook up with Rachel Reilly when she hits on him because he's obviously played the game superior to Brendon?

2. Danielle Murphree - After being informed that a special eviction would be taking place a day early, Danielle and Shane jumped to action...Not to work their strategy, but to primp themselves for the live cameras.

The only thing I can't figure out is why aren't Danielle's finger nails aren't painted.

1. Dan Gheesling - If Brittney Haynes becomes a correspondent for ET Tonight as I have advocated, three time author of motivational type books, Dan Gheesling is the new Tony Robbins. Seriously, there are a lot of stupid people out there, and the contestants on Big Brother this year all seem to be buying whatever Dan has to say.

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "Can you throw me my pants? I'm not wearing much"



Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 14 Blog posts

With last week's HOH Competition still in progress and Joe failing to last longer than Jerry Sandusky at a Justin Bieber concert, he became subject to a punishment for finishing in last place pursuant to "America's Vote."

I know I've used this one before, but to give Joe Arvin credit, he did last slightly longer in the HOH Competition than he did the night he went to bed thinking about Jenn Arroyo.

The punishment that America subjected Joe to was a "Hula-Hoop Boot Camp," where he was subjected to doing the hula-hoop every time the military tune Revelry was played for a period of 24-hours.

As Shane said, "There's nothing fun about watching a middle aged, overweight, half-naked guy jump up on his bed and do the hula-hoop at midnight."

Strangely though, that sounds like something that Mike Boogie would have paid extra for, at least according to the lawsuit filed by his ex-business partner.

In a strategic move, Ian asked Dan to come back and reunite The Quack Pack even though Dan broke that alliance by outing them to Frank in order to save himself last week.

Dan was actually on board saying, "Last week you saw me host my own funeral and swear my allegiance to Frank. Now I'm flipping it around. I'm hosting Frank's funeral and swearing my allegiance to The Quack Pack."

Danielle continued to pursue her one sided Showmance with Shane, especially after receiving some mis-information from Jenn, who told her Shane had said he was torn up last week having to choose between sending his coach and girlfriend friend.

Upon hearing the word "girlfriend," Danielle may have tinkled in her pants just a little bit when she gushed, "Did he really?" Of course, Jenn misunderstood Shane, who had actually said that he was torn between having to choose between his Coach and his hag.

Danielle later thought that Dan was trying to help her out romantically by getting Shane to switch beds so he would sleep with her.

"I think Dan's trying to get him out of this (bed) and get Shane to sleep with me...C'mon, do you really think something will happen in a room full of dudes?"

As much as any man would love to sleep with the post weight gain, no make-up version of Danielle Murphree, she's probably right about nothing romantic happening between her and Shane in a room full of dudes...She'd just be wrong if she thought that the decision not to was hers.

As the new Head of Household, Ian couldn't have been happier to get his own room, kind of like the kid who just graduated from a bunk bed that he shared with his younger brother.

Ian relived his childhood, first by jumping up and down on his bed, and then by asking Dan, Danielle and Shane, "Can one of you throw me my pants, I'm not wearing much," after they came up to talk to him as he was laying in bed without any pants on.

Ian decided to work with Dan again and nominate Frank and Jenn for eviction, but not before living the total Big Brother experience by opening Pandora's Box.

As we know, Pandora's Box brings the opportunity for a reward, but at the same time unleashes some type of negative consequence upon the house.

While Ian was thrilled to win $1,000 and some cheap scientific toy kits, the negative consequence was former contestant Jessie Godderz, who entered the house dressed in a gay Santa Claus outfit saying, "Ho-Ho-Holy cow I look good."

Now a low level professional wrestler who dubs himself as "Mr. Rectacular" after posing naked for some gay pornography, former Big Brother contestant Jessie Godderz entered the Big Brother house to remove the contestents junk food and replace it with healthy alternatives...Like steroids and human growth hormone.

After engaging in a penis measuring contest with Shane (they both lost), Jessie finally left the house to Frank saying, "Peace out, and stay out!"



An obviously confused Danielle said, "I've never seen a Santa in a speedo," which in Alabama is just about as rare as seeing a person of Mexican descent.

In the POV Competition, we saw the return of "Otev The Alien," who had crash landed and needed to re-fuel his spaceship with corn to get back home.

Otev told he contestants that they were required to answer questions about their fellow house guests by finding husks with the name of the correct answer, and then "kneeling on a vacant sack and presenting your corn to me."

To add an extra element of difficulty, when the correct answer was Mike Boogie, the corn cob they were looking for was the one with the genital wart.

Upon seeing the Roswell like crash scene in the back yard Joe commented, "I walked out back and thought for sure I was back home. I saw cows, pigs, I saw corn. Have I ever seen a UFO? I've had some sightings, but I couldn't say I was that clear headed."

Having won the POV, Dan continued to play both sides, persuading Ian to put Frank up without having to get his own hands dirty, while making Frank think they were still working together.

In fact, Frank even agreed that Dan should use the POV on Jenn instead of himself so as to avoid suspicion from the rest of the house that they were working together. Of course, Dan saw as the perfect opportunity to backdoor him.

That allowed Dan to return Jenn's favor from last week and take her off the nomination block. "Where I'm from, the hardworking town of Dearborn, Michigan, I was taught you don't make deals until you pay back your debts."

Willie Hantz: And in Lafayette, Louisiana, you learn that if you are drunk in a parking lot where police are investigating a fight, you jump in your bright yellow Camaro and try to flee...Because that's what guys who drive Camaros and/or have the last name Hantz do.

That left Ian to act like he was upset with Dan, and put Joe on the block as a replacement nominee as a pawn against Frank. "Dan you continue to stir up the pot...For the lack of no other option, I've decided to nominate Joe."

With Frank believing he was the a pawn to send Joe home, Dan almost blew his game when discussing their worst case scenario for who would win the next HOH.

Dan blurted out, "What about Joe though? What if Joe pulled out a miracle," not realizing that he was telling this to the person that he just assured would be staying in the house in the upcoming vote over Joe.

That caused Dan to say, "Oh crap! Did I just let that slip in front of Frank?"

As bad as Dan's near blunder was, Joe took the prize for drinking "stupid juice" after Dan suspiciously quizzed him on who'd he'd nominate in the event he won the HOH.

Annoyed by Dan's interrogation, Joe blurted out, "Could he BE any dumber?" He then proceeded to walk into a dark bedroom and divulge, "Dan chased me in here as soon as I went to bed." When he asked "who?" Joe again replied, "Dan did."

Dan practically couldn't refrain from giggling when he said, "This is Dan!" Realizing that he had just got busted in a dark bedroom for the second time in just a few weeks, all Joe could manage to say was, "What's up!"

Frank was still confident that he would stay in the house saying, "On the block is just like going to work." Of course he was voted out 3-1, which was kind of fitting since he's unemployed.

In what was revealed to be a double elimination week, the contestants immediately competed in a second HOH Competition, which was a quick Q and A based upon quotes from different house guests. Dan ended up winning, and put up Joe and Ian as his nominees.

When Ian won the Power of Veto, Dan put up Danielle as a replacement nominee, although she didn't look all that happy with Dan as she talked to Jenn about being on the block.

In fact, the timing might be right for Jenn, Danielle and Shane to break away from Dan and Ian and work together, which I would call the "Gay, Straight and Bi Alliance."

While Joe proclaimed, "I'm the single biggest threat - in the kitchen" at his pre-vote speech, he still ended up getting voted out 3-0.

Not only is Chef Joe Arvin correct about being the biggest threat in the kitchen due to the e-coli threat from his reluctance to wash his hands after pooping, he apparently went to the worst culinary school in all of America...Oh wait, he's from Kentucky. 

And as Joe was interviewed upon exiting the house, Connie Chung then got to the only question that mattered. "Everyone wants to know the answer to this question. What is that on your chin?"

As it turns out, Joe informed the audience that it was just there to wipe up the remnants from one of Jessie Godderz's famous protein shakes.

And while Joe may not have won the game of Big Brother, he certainly brought enough negative publicity about his cooking skills and personal hygiene to put his restaurant out of business for ever.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 8:

5. Jenn Arroyo - When he put Jenn on the nomination block Ian said, "You've played a remarkable social game so far, and you're also a threat," proving that even "America's Sweetheart" Ian isn't above telling a lie or two in the Big Brother house.

4. Shane Meaney - In an article posted on his alma mater's web site at Lydon State Community College, Shane was quoted as saying, “I hope to win America over. I want the girls to want to be with me. And I want the guys to want to be me. I’m pretty confident.”

What I think he meant to say was, “I want the girls to want to be with me. And I want the guys to want to be with me.”

3. Danielle Murphree - From time to time people arrive at my blog by Google searching questions they have about the show. For example, this week someone arrived by searching, "What make-up does Danielle Murphree wear?"

As a player, Danielle needs to consider breaking away from Dan or Shane and making a big move so as to avoid making it to the end, only to lose votes for riding on the coat-tails of other players. Perhaps leading a break from The Quack Pack and aligning with Jenn and Shane would get her the respect that she'd need to win a jury vote.

And to answer the question, "What make-up does Danielle Murphree wear?" The correct answer is, "all of it."

2. Ian Terry - Aside from Dan, Ian's playing the best game in the Big Brother house, and this week he was rewarded for winning the HOH with some gifts from home.

After receiving some gifts from home, Dan came into Ian's HOH Room and fondled his monkey, which is the most action Ian's received in the Big Brother house since Britney and Ashley forcibly raped him and shaved his armpit hair..

1. Dan Gheesling - Dan has made pretty much played the perfect game in making every move that he's needed to make to stay in the game despite having the deck stacked against him from the start.

The question that remains is whether or not those moves will cost him votes on the Jury when it comes to people that he's screwed over like Frank, Britney, Jenn and Joe...Well maybe not Jenn and Joe...You actually have to play the game to get screwed over.

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "You'll always be Judas to me"



Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 14 Blog posts

With last week concluding with a double eviction episode in which Mike Boogie and Ashley were sent home, CBS provided us with some back footage detailing how those votes went down.

Ian seemed conflicted about his role as HOH.

On one hand he looked so nervous about making his on the spot nominations that he was going to piss himself, and on the other hand he demonstrated confidence like he was a mafia kingpin by asking Joe, "You gonna fuck me over?"

Frank was obviously mad at Ian for sending Boogie home saying, "Ian, you're a terrible person, and that's the truth." On the other hand, Dan told Ian, "I'd hook you up with my sister, that's how much I think of you."

And if it came down to winning the approval of Mike Boogie or Dan's sister...Sight unseen, I'm going with Dan-O's sis.


Then again, maybe Dan's statement shows just how little he feels about his sister.

Britney wisely made a deal with Frank not to eliminate each other, which effectively gave her safety from both sides of the house.

The HOH Competition required the contestants to use a pair of pull-strings to balance and manipulate a ball up a maze without having it fall off of a platform that was connected to the strings.

With each player's individual results from the first round determining the pecking order for a cascade of one on one match-ups in which the contestants squared off in a race to get their ball to the top, Frank squared off against Dan as the two lowest ranked players.
That actually proved to be beneficial for Frank, as after he defeated Dan he had the benefit of having figured out the best way to navigate the maze as he moved on to play the next lowest seeded player. He used that experience as an advantage and ended up running the table to win the HOH.

Upon entering the HOH Room, Frank was confronted with the option of opening Pandora's Box, with the possibility of getting a reward in return for unleashing something either good or bad upon the rest of the house.

With Frank's safety resting almost entirely on having won HOH, he foolishly gave into temptation and opened Pandora's Box.

While Frank did end up receiving approximately $3,341.49, his decision gave the house guests a second Veto for the week.

Unbeknownst to the other house guests, plastic Easter eggs began falling from the sky, some of which contained quarters that they could put into a mechanical claw machine where they could try to retrieve the POV as if they were playing at a carnie, or a really bad family restaurant.

With Ian winning the the extra Power of Veto, he said, "It feels really good to have it in the palm of your hand," which may have triggered a case of PTSD for Britney.

In actuality...I think that's what Chef Joe Arvin said about his penis.

While Frank considered nominating Ian to make him play his Veto and back door Dan, he instead elected to put up Dan and Danielle. That caused Danielle to exclaim, "I never want to play this game without him."

Shunned by both Shane and Dan, Danielle is now auditioning Joe to be her father figure.

The second POV Competition of the week was called "Draw Something," where the contestants tried to guess a word from drawings submitted by viewers as those drawings were slowly revealed in the stages.

Is that Ian trying to dress up like Mike Boogie as a homage, or is that Patrick Dempsey from the Can't Buy Me Love?

As a catch to the competition, after correctly guessing a clue, the "winning" house guest would only receive their points if they accepted some type of punishment.

Worried that Dan would win the POV and remove himself from the block, Frank accepted punishments that included taking an avocado bath, taking an series of "chum showers" for 24 hours whenever an alarm went off, wearing a carrot suit for one week, and sitting out of the next HOH Competition.

Making the red-headed guy wear the carrot suit...Not cool Big Brother, not cool. Although I did suggest in an earlier blog post that Frank's famous father might actually be the comedian Carrot Top, so I was on to something.

Frank's actions went for naught, as he was disqualified for trying to whisper an answer to Britney to prevent Dan from answering a clue, blatantly violating the rules that were explained before the competition began.

Meanwhile, Dan accepted a punishment of solitary confinement for 24-hours to win points, but he still ended up losing the POV to Jenn, who had aligned herself with Frank.

Upon heading to his punishment of solitary confinement, Dan lamented about losing the POV Contest, which likely sealed his fate in the game.

"Three things I love: My wife, my family, coaching, and playing this game." And even though that was four things and not three, I guess we all get the message that Dan was trying to convey.

With non-stop techno music playing, the solitary confinement room was kind of like going to the club at the Jersey Shore...Only without Snookie playing peek-a-boo with her vagina and pissing in the corner.

As Dan was released from solitary confinement 24-hours later, he appeared disorientated as he was greeted by his fellow house guests upon his return to the house. Britney also noted, "It doesn't smell so good in here...It's kind of stinky."

In a strategic move, Dan then proceeded to call a house meeting that he dubbed, "Dan's Big Brother Funeral."

At his "funeral," Dan offered a general apology to Frank about things he had said about him during the game, but said that he'd rather discuss those in further detail in private.

He then proceeded to point out positive qualities for just about everyone in the house to the point that they were moved to tears. That is everyone except for Danielle...Although she still ended up in tears.

In a shocking turn of events, Dan went on to say to Danielle:

"I learned that you gotta find one person and put 100% of your trust in it. I thought if I picked you, you would have similar qualities...And through my own fault, I was wrong. We don't need to get into it now, but in this game you'll never earn my trust back. You know what you did, and in this game you're dead to me. So don't come to me and ask about it, because it's over...Game talk ends now...Death of Dan the player."

Of course, Danielle immediately broke out in tears pleading,"What are you talking about Dan? What did I do?"

In the Diary Room Dan revealed his bomb. "Did I really go crazy in solitary confinement, or did I come up with a master plan to get myself out of this mess? Master plan Step 1, invite the house guests to Dan's Funeral. Step 2, go talk to Frank and blow up the Quack Pack."

Dan then went on to talk to Frank in the HOH room with his Bible in hand. "I brought this Bible up to you not to read to you, but to swear on." He then proceeded to lay out in great detail how Ian had joined the Quack Pack Alliance and betrayed him and Mike Boogie.

Realizing that he had been blaming Dan for Ian's actions, Frank exclaimed, "It blows my mind what Mike did for him...This kid's ruthless."

Dan then proposed putting Britney up for nomination, Ian's closest ally, since he still had the POV to use at his disposal, especially since Britney had developed social bonds with pretty much everyone else in the house that would basically guarantee her protection against getting nominated until the end.

After telling Dan, "You better not be bull-shitting me," the two formed a secret alliance to go to the final two. Frank then vowed to try and convince his ally Jenn to use her POV and save Dan.

Not only was Dan dependent on Frank to successfully sell their plan to Jenn, but he still needed to smooth things over with Danielle after making her cry...Which sounds suspiciously like my dating history.

Dan began by telling Danielle, "I just saved us both," to which she exclaimed, "You humiliated me in front of the whole house!"

After learning of Dan's master plan she backed off and asked, "Can you at least give me a forewarning next time?" Dan then smiled as he replied, "No, because you wouldn't cry."

Only then realizing that she had been manipulated, but enjoying it for some reason that only people who have never been inappropriately touched by a male family member will never know, Danielle exclaimed, "You are one sick person, Dan! So you're using my emotions..."

As Dan quickly interjected, "To help get you to the end of this game - Yes!"

And just as Dan sold Danielle on his plan with Frank to get rid of Britney, Frank convinced Jenn to use her POV and save Dan...Because as we all know, girls are incapable of making decisions on their own without the help of men.

Jenn's decision to use the POV and save Dan brought gasps and looks of shock from the house guests, as did Frank's announcement of his replacement nominee when he said, "So according to a not so wise young man, "Britney, pop a squat."

Frank must have been talking about Ian's less than diplomatic way of putting Joe up as a replacement nominee last week, because as we all know, girls like Britney don't poop."

After breaking out in tears and declaring that she didn't have "any fight in me left," Britney explained why. "I'm just shocked. I thought I was at Dan's funeral last night, and a giant carrot puts me on the block," which I guess would be just about enought to give any girl nightmares...Or possibly sex dreams.

Ian took Frank's decision to nominate Britney very hard and actually decided to flex his muscle, or his lack thereof, as he openly yelled in Frank's presence, "If anybody in this house takes him to the end, you're a fool!"

In fact, Ian's conversation with Frank that became so heated that he actually took his glasses off. And as Ian's balls dropped for the first time in his life, he realized that he was still yelling at a man dressed up like a giant carrot...Baby steps Ian, baby steps.

We were then treated to a game analysis from "The Brigade" Alliance, who had played with Britney in Season 12 of Big Brother before screwing her over in the end.

You might remember The Brigade as Lane, the redneck from Texas; Enzo, the Jersey Shore knock off with a cat fetish who liked to call himself "The Meow-Meow;" and Matt, the self proclaimed MENSA member who wasn't really very smart.

And guessing from his Halloween costume where Matt dressed up as Britney's pageant picture that he found in her HOH Room in Season 12, I'm guessing that he has some serious psychological issues as well.

Lane explained that of all the house guests aside from Britney, he'd like to have Ian as an honorary member of The Brigade because, " I'd like to use Ian to calculate a 15% tip on a $30 tab," which had to have each and every Applebee's waitress in Redneck, Texas absolutely giddy at the thought of doubling her Friday night take home pay.

Prior to getting evicted 4-1, Britney gave her nomination speech to the house, slamming Dan in classic Britney style.

"To my fellow house guests, I don't have the time or a big enough ego to host my own funeral...To quote a very, very wise old man, 'You'll always be Judas to me,'" referring to geriatric contestant Jerry's dig for Dan for his perceived betrayal in Season 10.

Sadly, Jerry didn't live to hear Britney's slam in his honor.

Britney lightened her tone towards Dan by the time she was interviewed by Connie Chung, explaining, "As a lover of the game...I can respect that it was a game move. I mean, he is really, really good at this game. He flipped the entire house in like an hour, and he used the Bible to do it."

Upon being reminded by Connie Chung that she will still get to participate as a member of the Jury, Britney sarcastically exclaimed, Yay!"

Britney Haynes seems to have caught a case of the veneers and fake boobs from Emily Maynard of The Bachelorette.


The Head of Household Competition required the contestants to hold on to a hope that revolved around a fake sun.

Thankfully, Frank was forced to sit out as the punishment he agreed to from the POV Competition, because as a fellow ginger I know that we need to avoid the sun at all costs for fear of "burn, peel, repeat."

And in what was supposed to be an endurance contest, Joe fell off before Big Brother returned from the first live commercial break, meaning he lasted less than two minutes...Which is the exact same thing that his daughter said about him (he is from Kentucky).

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 7:

7. Ian Terry - Channelling his desire to be a super hero, Ian declared in reference to Britney's eviction, "I will avenge this for sure." Of course, it kind of helps to still be in the house if you are going to go about avenging and all that.


Is the title "Super Boobie Boy" already taken, or has that one already been copywritten by DC Comics?


6. Joe Arvin - The best thing that could have happened for Joe was Dan flipping on The Quack Pack in order to save his ass. That buys Joe another couple of weeks as a non-threat in the house.

I used to think that Chef Joe Arvin yelled in the diary room because he was just uncomfortable being on camera. Now that I know he does regular webisodes for his cooking show, I see that's not the case.

5. Shane Meaney - As Shane told Britney in his video message to her after her eviction, "Ever since the first night you walked into this house and picked on me for wearing a woman's shirt, I knew we were going to be inseparable." Of course, everyone knows that the prettier your hag, the worse you are at being gay.

And when Shane Meaney says that he's secure in his sexuality, he shows us that he's comfortable with being a bi-sexual by wearing women's clothing.  

4. Jenn Arroyo - After being told by Frank to use the POV on Dan, Jenn proclaimed, "No one can say that Jenn City didn't make a big move," proving that lesbians need men to think for them just as much as straight chicks do.

3. Frank Eudy - With nowhere else to turn in the house, I think that Frank actually made a smart move aligning himself with Dan. I just think that given Frank's strong physical and social games, Dan will be looking for the opportunity to turn on him the first opportunity he gets...You know, kind of like Judas.

2. Danielle Murphree - Between Dan and Shane, Danielle is just blindly following guys around.

With a clear case of "The Daddy Issues," I''m guessing that somewhere along the line a family member touched Danielle Murphree inappropriately.
Danielle Murphree bikini

1. Dan Gheesling - As Connie Chung noted, the New York Post is calling Dan "The best player in Big Brother history" after his flawlessly executed plan to take himself off the block when it seemed all but certain that he'd be heading home before he entered solitary confinement for 24-hours.

Or as Dan said, "If my plan works...I'm gonna be off the block from a guy who put on a carrot suit, took an avocado bath, took a chum bath, and sat out a HOH Competition all to get me out!"

Even though I was probably pulling for Britney to win, aside from Ragan calling Rachel Reilly "Ra-tress," Dan's plan this week probably made for my second favorite episode of Big Brother ever just because he pulled off the unthinkable.

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "If your dog has really blue eyes, his dog has 'golden eyes...GOLDEN EYES!"



Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 14 Blog posts

With Frank unable to compete in the HOH Competition, his hopes were pinned to Mike Boogie, his only remaining true alliance member to ensure his safety for the week.

Of course, being the true team player and cheap bastard he is, Boogie opted out of going for HOH and instead pursued the $10,000 temptation jug to help with his legal fees, much to Frank's chagrin.

Boogie ended up winning the $10,000, chalking up his ability to navigate the slippery surface to being "Roller speed skating Regional Champion 1986, HOLLA!"

Of course, if we do the math on the 42-year-old man who calls himself "Boogie," he just gave us a pretty good glimpse of what his weekends were like as a 17-year-old.

Let's just say that Mike Boogie probably wasn't droppin' too many "dimes" if he was busy trying to con some dude into slow dancing with him to Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" at the local Roll-A-Rena.

Britney won the other temptation jug, but instead of going for enough money to treat a genital wart like Mike Boogie did, she pursued individual immunity for the week.

And just when I thought that there might actually be a line that "Mike Boogie" Malin wouldn't cross just to get himself in front of the cameras, we found out that he volunteered to have his friend, The Evil Dr. Will Kirby, remove a genital wart from his junk on national TV.

With Dan coming up just short on the temptation jug that would have given him individual immunity, Shane managed to win yet another competition to become the week's HOH.

It was then that Ian came to Britney and told her that Mike had approached him before the HOH Competition about nominating either Shane or herself in the event that Ian won, which would've gone against their "Silent Six" alliance.

But before he nearly caused three different alliances to crumble, Ian had more important business to take care of...Winning back his "flirt-mance" with Ashley following her make-out session with Frank.

Determined to step up with his game this time, Ian decided to let Britney "man-scape" him, which was bad enough that it required her to put on a pair of rubber gloves.

I don't know if Ian was more excited for his pizza date with Ashley or his grooming appointment with Britney, as he proclaimed, "In real life, beautiful women don't hold me down and rub things on my body, so this is definitely a pretty awesome day."

Of course, during the scope of his de-weeding session, Britney was seen gagging and exclaiming, "Nobody wants to go out with Ian when he has pit hair frickin' taller than trees...It's like a molting ferret!" I guess that explains the "Janine Lindamulder gloves."


Ian didn't fair so well on his date with Ashley though, remaining silent for much of their dinner. When he did initiate a conversation, it involved how much Mexican food he ate for lunch and when he was going to take his next poop, which is not exactly the material of 50 Shades of Grey, at least not the edited version.

When Ashley asked, "Did you ever go to the bathroom? You're going to have to go after that," Ian proved that he was totally comitted to their date by saying, "Yeah, I definitely am, but I'm gonna wait until it will be easier."

Needless to say, there isn't going going to be a third date.

As a historian of the game, Ian conversed with Mike Boogie and Frank about who would get to play in a Big Brother All-Stars game based upon "Good" and "Evil."

When Ian said that he'd have a chance at being on the "Evil" team if he made a few big moves, Boogie laughed him off by calling him "America's sweetheart."

Completely unaware that Ian had already ratted him out to Britney, Boogie then proclaimed that he was a 9 on a scale of 10 when it came to being safe for the week.

Despite a "Mystery Box" that showed up in the arcade machine with a question mark on it, thereby raising the possibility that Rachel Reilly's vag might be returning to the game, Shane still followed through and nominated Boogie and Frank.

Completely blind-sided by his nomination, Mike Boogie went the offensive, seeking an explanation from Shane. Instead of telling Boogie that with $500,000 on the line he didn't owe him any type of explanation, Shane ended up completely cracking under Boogie's interrogation.

Not wanting to out Ian as The Quack Pack's mole, Ian blamed Britney. After Britney scolded Shane for bringing her name up, Britney she threw Dan under the bus by refusing to answer when Boogie and Frank demanded to know if Dan was the one plotting against them.

Dan then completed the "vicious circle" of distrust by threatening to out Ian when he realized that he had become Boogie and Frank's primary target.

Mike Boogie remained in the dark about Ian betrayal, however, telling him to watch out for Dan because he convinced Shane to nominate Frank and himself. That caused Ian to say in the diary room, "(Dan's) not the wolf in sheep's clothing, I am."

In fact, Boogie was so snowed by Ian that he chose him to compete on his behalf in the POV Competition, which involved estimating the number of pieces of candy in various large containers, unaware that Ian intended on throwing that competition.

In that contest, the contestants could either elect to pass and move on to the next round or guess the amount, with the closest earning a point, and the player who didn't pass who was furthest from the correct answer getting eliminated.

During the POV Ashely unleashed her "Picture Method," in which she tried to "picture everything in pictures, and see how many pictures can fit within the picture." Get it? Me neither.

When it came time for Ashley to guess the number of lollipops there were in a 3-D tree, Ashley changed to a more scientific strategy.

"In my mind I'm thinking how many little bushels of lollipops can fit into the first tier of the tree. You have to double it because it's a 3-D object, then you would do 12 x 12, then you add them all together."

Unbeknownst to her, Ashley's strategy was fatally flawed from the time she said, "In my mind I'm thinking..."

With the contestants needing to earn three points to earn the POV, Frank faced off against Ashley in the finals.

While Ashley's scientific skills were clearly worthy of a Nobel Prize, she failed to consider that Frank was leading by a score of 2-1 when she passed on her final answer, which automatically handed him the POV by default.

With Mike Boogie on also on the nominating block, Frank exclaimed, "I wish I had two of these jokers," before using the POV to protect himself. That left Shane to put Jenn up as a replacement nominee.

Not having done anything significant all summer to make any waves, Jenn picked the wrong time to overreact about going on the block and irrationally demanded an explanation from Shane since she was simply going up as a pawn to ensure that Boogie got sent home.

Mike Boogie continued to get played by Ian, going so far as to make a plea for his safety. "The only thing I ask of Dan is to not do wrong by Ian. Frank's a big boy, he's going to battle...Just watch out Ian, (Dan's) a beast."

Of course, Mike didn't realize that Ian was really the beast...That is, as much as you can consider someone that he had to take to the bathroom the week he voluntarily wore the dog suit a beast.

Ian worried, "I'm just glad that Boogie won't be anywhere near me when he finds out that I had a hand in his going home, but hey, I learned from the master. Like father like son."

However, Boogie was evicted in a 5-2 vote, Ian approached him and said that he was going to see things that he wasn't going to like. Of course, as a historian of the game, Ian should've been aware that there have been many instances in the game of Big Brother where an evicted house guest has returned...Just sayin'.

That caused Boogie to warn Frank, "Ian is not to be trusted!" You know, because Mike Malin is a man of the utmost integrity.

Here's Mike Boogie's mug shot from when he assaulted a waitress at a Denver sports bar. To summarize, so far Boogie has been sued for embezzling money to pay for fetish sex with older men, treated for genital warts on national TV, and been arrested for assaulting a woman. That's pretty much the Triple Crown of douche-baggery, or as I'm going to call it, a "Douche-Boogery"...What a guy!

Britney rubbed some salt in Boogie's wound by mimicking his routine with The Evil Dr. Will by having an imaginary phone conversation in the diary room.

"Ring - Ring. Hello? Hey Janelle. No, Mike Boogie is actually not here, but I was just leaving a message for him. Is there anything you'd like to say? Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!"

And as Mike Boogie left the house, he gave thanks to his business partner, Lonnie Moore. To clarify, that's the business partner he's getting sued with, not the one he's getting sued by.

Before the house guests could enjoy the official dissolution of Chilltown, Inc., they were informed that this week was going to be a double eviction, and they headed straight into a HOH Competition.

That contest consisted of a series of "before or after" questions pertaining to the sequence of events that took place in the Big Brother house over the summer. Of course, that lead to an easy victory for Ian, a huge student of the game.

With Ian winning HOH, he was forced to immediately nominate two people, and he decided to put up Frank and Ashley.

However, Frank followed his nomination up by winning the POV Competition by finding three clovers in a Rainbow themed bubble pit, or as it's known on a larger scale, St. Patrick's Day in Boston.

Frank taunted Ian by yelling, "YOU DESERVE IT IAN," and took himself off the block.

Shane brought back two prizes from the POV Competition, one that he could play and one that he could lick...The POV and Ashley.

Forced to put up a replacement nominee, Ian exhibited a new found swagger and said to Joe, "Nothing personal, pop a squat man." However, it was Ashley who was evicted 5-1.

As Ashely left the house, my girlfriend wondered if she was secretly super smart and just playing stupid while she was in the house. Almost on cue, Ashley greeted Julie and exclaimed, "I love your side pony!" So to answer that question...No, no she wasn't.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 6:

8. Joe Arvin - It's just a matter of time until Joe goes home, but for now, he's sticking around because he poses no threat to the real players in the game.

This week we heard stories from him that included the time that he was throwing rocks over a cliff and had his watch fall off and fly over the edge. Only when he turned around, he found that same watch laying on the ground. On top of that, when he picked it up he noticed, "On top of the watch in heavy, heavy dust was Greek lettering."

He also claimed that his family once owned the land that the White House was built upon, but sold it for "a mule and a fifth of whiskey." Given that Joe's family is originally from Lexington, KY, I don't doubt that his family sold the land that a white house was built on for a mule and some whiskey, but I highly doubt that it was the White House...Similar wording, but a big difference.

As Britney described the way Joe always has to one-up everybody else's stories, "If your dog has really blue eyes, his dog has 'golden eyes...GOLDEN EYES!'"

7. Jenn Arroyo - After being nominated Jenn demanded, "Shane, will you please tell me what the Hell is going on?" Ian responded by saying.

"This tattooed rocker is overreacting. She couldn't be a bigger pawn right now against one of the legends of the game, and she needs to chill out or else this plan is going to blow-up in my face."

That biggest strategic decisions Jenn Arroyo has made all season have been deciding what color to dye her hair, and whether or not to let her "tit-tat" show.

6. Frank Eudy - Frank threw a jab Joe's way in his vote to evict him by saying, "I vote to evict the terrible Chef Joe," which seemed a bit harsh...I mean, who wouldn't want someone who masterbates on a TV show with a live 24-hour TV feed, doesn't wash his hands, and french kisses your hard boiled eggs cooking for them?

5. Dan Gheesling - If people are wondering why Dan is wearing an Arkansas Football t-shirt, it's not because he swapped shirts with Britney like players in the Big Brother house frequently do. It's because as a Coach in the Big Brother game, he's paying homage to his idol, former Michigan State and new Razorback head coach, John L. Smith.

Hey Pig Suey Nation...Good luck with that.

4. Danielle Murphree - Gaining weight and losing standing in my Big Brother Power Rankings is not exactly how you want your summer to progress if you want to win the $500,000 or the heart of a man who was never really that interested in you to begin with.


Seriously, if I didn't know that this was a shot of Danielle Murphree's ass, I would have guessed that it was Kelly Clarkson or Nelly Furtado.

3. Shane Meaney - Seriously, this guy is totally awesome...And by totally awesome, I mean he's "pretty extremely super fucking cool," the title I earned in college for walking back to confront a police officer after she decided not to write me up for open intox.

2. Ian Terry - Ian got the idea to man-scape his armpits for his date with Ashley after learning of a hair removal product that Shane uses on his chest. I'll call that decision questionable, but his part in sending Mike Boogie home was absolutely the move of the summer. 

And by the way Ian, most women call that product Nair.

1. Britney Haynes - When Britney first returned to the game as a coach, she wasn't nearly as funny as snarky as she was during her appearance on Season 12. Now she appears to be getting her groove back, as she's slowly building some solid alliances, keeping the target off of her back, and busting on some of the all time greats in the game of Big Brother.

Plus she's got a great ass...Great to have you back Britney.