BBB12 (Blogging Big Brother 12) - "I have no idea what a brigade is"

Season 12 of Big Brother is upon us, which signals the true start to my summer. My summer used to commence when the weather became warm enough for me drink beer on my couch in my underwear, but thanks to the neighbor girl who insists upon peering into my front window to see if my son can come out and play instead of ringing the doorbell I was forced to cease that practice. Alright, I'm uncomfortable too, let's move on.

This season's twist is that one of the 13 contestants is a "Saboteur." The yet to be disclosed Saboteur is not competing to win Big Brother, but can instead earn $50,000 if he/she stays in the house for 5 weeks without getting voted off while throwing challenges and otherwise making life miserable for the other contestants.

During the first week of BB-12 Hayden, a baseball player from Arizona, won Head of Household. He quickly joined a four person alliance that was proposed by Enzo - a Jersey Shore douche bag, Matt - a closet Mensa member, and Lane - a meathead from Texas. Realizing that their alliance needed a totally awesome nickname that would propel them to fame, they quickly decided upon "The Brigade." Personally, I would have gone with something like "Jersey's Four" or "The A-Team," but I digress. Enzo also decided that the alliance members needed individual nicknames, so he dubbed Hayden "The Animal," Lane "The Beast," Matt "The Brains," and himself (for obvious reasons that nobody else knows) "Meow-Meow." I probably would have gone with "The Adjustment" to pay homage to his Jersey Shore roots and career as an insurance adjuster, but that's just me.

A budding showmance developed between closet academics Brendon and Rachel, who both had decided not to disclose how smart they were to their castmates for fear of putting a target on their backs. Brendon is a high school swim coach who is is pursuing a Masters Degree in physics, while Rachel is a chemist who chooses to put her talents to better use as a VIP cocktail waitress in Las Vegas. You won't be able to convince me that they're both not strippers in real life, but since strippers aren't really people I guess I really don't care. In any event, the Brigade quickly decided that Brendon and Rachel needed to be split up, and they were nominated for eviction by Hayden.

Big Brother 12 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 1:

13. Brendon - Identified as the biggest threat by The Brigade, Brendon was nominated for eviction in part due to his showmance alliance with Rachel.

12. Rachel - Faced with with a decision equally as difficult as whether or not she should put her chemistry degree to use or get fake boobs and work as a cocktail waitress in Vegas, Rachel decided to hide her intelligence from the rest of the house but participate in an open showmance/alliance with Brendon, which of course identified her as an obvious target for the first eviction. I'd disown her as a fellow ginger if she wasn't a dye job wanna be poser.

11. Annie - Realizing that she has become a target because of her friendship with Brendon and Rachel, Annie may still be able to reach out to the other cast mates and stabilize her position in the house. I need her to do this, because this lesbian bartender is hot enough to convert me...oh wait, I guess I'd be the one who needs to convert her.

10. Kathy - For a deputy Sheriff, this peroxide fueled southern belle is not only the worst competitor in the house, but she has already started rubbing some of the other contestants the wrong way with her personality. Note to Kathy - the next time your ass literally gets stuck in caramel (sadly, it was not nearly as hot as it sounds), don't accuse one of the hot young girls that dusted you in the competition of performing as bad as you did. You reminded me of one of the beached whales that simply chose to give up and die instead of swimming back out to sea once dislodged by animal rights activists.

9. Andrew - The Orthodox Jewish podiatrist also found it necessary to lie about his professional life, claiming to have been laid off so the other contestants wouldn't question his financial need for the final prize since he is a successful doctor (yes, somewhere in Miami Beach somebody's plantar warts are going untreated for half of a summer so Andrew can compete on Big Brother). My main question for Andrew is whether or not Big Brother "slop" is kosher?

8. Ragan - The openly gay college professor could rub people the wrong way with his arrogant personality, but he also has the confidence to put together an alliance to counter The Brigade.

7. Britney - Britney seems a little to into herself to do well in this game. Plus she hates old people, which is just bad karma if you say it out loud on national TV instead of just think it like me.

6. Kristen - The Philly boutique manager and model really has not caught my attention one way or the other, which may not be a bad thing at this point in the game.

5. Monet - A model/actress that is all about playing the game. If she can find the right alliance she could win it all.

4. Hayden - While Hayden is secure for now in the tightest alliance in the game, he could find himself as a target down the road since he was the first Head of Household and will surely be targeted by either Brendon or Rachel for putting them up for eviction.

3. Enzo - While Enzo is the leader of The Brigade, once that alliance is exposed he quickly becomes the primary target of the other housemates. Plus, he has that Jersey Shore backlash thing working against him.

2. Lane - While he is secure for now in his alliance, Lane would probably be safe from eviction for a few weeks even if The Brigade were to fall apart since there are bigger targets/threats within that alliance. He also seems like a giant dumb ass, admitting "I have no idea what a brigade is" in response to the name of his new alliance.

1. Matt - This has nothing to do with Matt being a Mensa member, he just seems to be the most likely of the Brigade to flip alliances should the need arise, which makes him the most powerful player in the game.