The Bachelorette Blog - "He was found guilty, People vs. James, case dismissed!"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with Des and the guys heading to Barcelona, Spain.

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Drew, who had apparently just joined the cast as a replacement for Bryden.

Drew elected to tell Des about overhearing James talking with Mikey about scamming girls together when they get back to Chicago, and how he had a great chance to become the next Bachelor if he could at least make it the final four...But smartly, only after Des had already given him a Rose.

That caused Desiree to say, "I'm disappointed in James, because I truly believed he was an honest man," proving that she has absolutely no ability whatsoever to judge the character of any guy.

The Group Date consisted of a soccer match, which seemingly gave the advantage to Don Pablo, a former professional soccer player.

However, the match turned out to be against six highly skilled teenage girls, and James turned out to be the least athletic guy to ever mind a net, which is amazing considering that soccer players are by far and large unathletic.

That caused Juan Pablo to say, "I thought he was going to be a man today, but I guess he's scared of getting hit with the ball."

Meanwhile, Kasey quipped, "Your like 6'2, 260 pounds, and you're afraid a little girl this tall is going to kick the ball at you? C'mon brother, step it up."

Even our 10-year-old girl who was watching with us at home dogged James, calling him "a 'Cinderalla' soccer player - because he keeps running away from the ball." Can you guess who's going to inherit this blog?

After the match, Des pulled Chris aside at the cocktail party to read him a poem that she wrote for him on the plane.

And while the season could have ended right there since it's clear she's going to choose Chris in the end, at least we get to see James get humiliated on national TV for the second time in just a matter of minutes.

First, Kasey confronted James about his comments, while James claimed that it was Mikey who brought up going out and picking up women together once they got back to Chicago.

However, when Michael G. reminded James that he was the one trying to position himself to become the next Bachelor, James panicked and snapped avoiding the questing and taunting, "You haven't even been on a 1-on-1 date, have you Michael?"

Michael G. replied by imitating James and saying, "'Hey we're going to go to clubs bro...We're going to get it in...Girls!...It sounds like you're auditioning for The Jersey Shore, quite frankly."

The next person in line to confront James was Dez, which sadly lead to all kinds of tears.

Unfortunately, all of the crying that was done, was done by James Case.

When asked by Des if he actually said any of those things, James responded by saying, "No Ma'am," before complaining that being questioned was "giving me a head-headache."

And while Des elected not to send James home on the spot, he definitely triggered our kid's bullshit meters as we watched at home, as our ten-year-old and seven-year-old had the following exchange.

10 yr. old: "It's SOOO obvious that he's lying." 
7 yr. old: "I know, right?"

The second 1-on-1 Date went to Zak W., mainly because Des wanted to use his bleached teeth to distract her from all of the drama that she and the rest of the house experienced because of James. 

Unfortunately, Des chose to take Zak W. on an artsy date, which was kind of like taking James on date that required the guy to be an athlete or appreciate sports.

Their first task was drawing portraits of each other, and unfortunately things went horribly awry with Zak W's drawing, or as he tried to explain, "I added color, and there's nothing I can do about it now!"

Zak W's portrait of Desiree Hartsock looks surprisingly like former Bachelor contestant, Tierra Licausi.

Next up was a nude male model, which made Zak W. so jealous that he left the room, and came back wearing nothing but a robe and his own tighty-whities.

Zack Waddell is the type of guy who sees another guy without any clothes on, and immediately feels the need to challenge him to a "Pants Off," for which there are no winners.

Back at the hotel, James approached Des to tell her that he was "feeling much better" after their earlier conversation, to which she replied, "Really?"

James Case: You can always tell that a guy is lying when his nipples start to leak milk...Well, either that, or he forgot to pump.

Not realizing that he was about to be sent home, James started to cop an attitude with the other guys. "I might come off as a cocky son of a bitch, but I have a very great sense of self.

That caused the normally reserved Chris to interject, saying he could no longer stay calm with James saying that becoming the next Bachelor was a "win-win situation."

Once again realizing that he couldn't fully justify his statements, James stormed off by pouting, "You know what? I don't have to answer any questions to any of you guys any more if I don't feel like it."

As any good southerner in a position of power, Prosecutor Michael G. totally abused it and went as far as to scold James for cursing.

In the end, Des ended up casting her vote for the Prosecution, giving the last Rose to Michael G. over James.

Michael G. then made himself look like an idiot when he said, "He was found guilty, People vs. James, case dismissed!"

And while that may have sounded good, from a legal standpoint it was incorrect terminology since you obviously wouldn't have your case dismissed if you were found guilty in a court of law.

In addition to James, Kasey and Juan Pablo were also sent home, leaving Chris, Michael, Brooks. Zak W. and Drew as Desiree's final five. 

Meanwhile, James was left hurt and confused when he realized that his womanizing ways had just been exposed.

"I just became the next Ben and it's just....How did I come off to be such a bad person? Why Me?"

The Big Brother 15 Blog - "Just tell me you're a secret Wall Street millionaire"



Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 15 Blog posts

With America selecting the new Big Brother MVP who will have the power to make the third nomination for eviction, and with the house believing that the MVP will likely be a female each week, Jeremy decided to sexually assault the entire cast.

"I'm going to have to have a snuggle session with each and every one of the these beautiful ladies. And you know what, I don't think that will be too hard, I'm a pretty charming guy.

Jeremy McGuire: From his greasy hair, bad tattoos to his lack of a career, what is their for the ladies not to love?

Upon seeing McCrae's Head of House Room GinaMarie exclaimed, "(The) HOH room looks amazing, it's kind of like I'm in a New Jersey club. I wanna sleep there!"

And just like that, GinaMarie peed in the corner of McCrae's room and quietly passed out next to Snookie.

Nick recruited Jeremy, Spencer and McCrae to join his original two man alliance with Howard, which Spencer named the "The Moving Company" after finding out that "The Electric Company" had already been trademarked by PBS.

Claiming that he came on Big Brother for a showmance and not the money, David aligned with Aaryn romantically.

In return for her affection, Aaryn informed David that he always needed to work hard to save her so she could just be a stay at home reality show contestant.

Amanda and the house quickly found Jessie to be a bit high maintenance and annoying, in a teenage girl sort of way.

In response to Jessie not being able to decide whether she liked Nick or Jeremy, Jessie asked an annoyed Amanda to go see whether or not Nick liked her.

"Being trapped in the house with Jessie is like being trapped with a little girl at a Justin Beieber concert, every single boy that looks at her, she has a crush on."

Of course, Amanda let it slip to McCrae what her real beef with Jessie was. "Jessie has a way better ass than me, I'm a little jealous."

Jessie Kowalski: Having been told several time by the producers on Big Brother After Dark to "put a bra on," Jessie Kowalski's ass is not the only thing she seems proud to show off.

Jessie, who revealed that she didn't like Elissa or Helen, was told by Judd that Elissa was really Rachel Reilly's sister.

Jessie immediately told David, who thought she was a genius for figuring it out, even though she wasn't the one who really figured it out, and even though David had no idea who Rachel Reilly was.

Got it? Me either.

Aaryn was less than happy when she found out that Elissa was related to Rachel.

"I think its super shady that Elissa is hiding the fact that she's Rachel's sister because its obvious, and kind of a slap in the face for her to think that we're stupid enough to not realize who she is."

Of course, Aaryn Gries was stupid and completely oblivious to the fact that Elissa was Rachel's sister until David told her, but when you your Colorado's Miss Bison Chip and your talent consists of filling out a string bikini, people tend to let little facts like that slide.

The Have/Have Not Competition required teams to build a 15 beer can pyramid by retrieving them from a large cooler filled with water.

Staying true to The Moving Company alliance, McCrae nominated Jessie and Candice for eviction.
 
That caused Jessie to bitch, "McCrae-crae, you don't have a good reason for putting me up," oblivious to the fact that he nominated the most unpopular people in the house so as not to get any blood on his hands.

Candice was a little less passive aggressive. In fact, she was aggressive-passive saying, "I'm not going to go in the corner and cry, I'm going to compete," before she literally went off to the corner and cried.

Meanwhile, Elissa seemed relieved, if not even a little bit cocky.

"I think my sister's fans are going to vote for me, because she has awesome fans ....My sister's a super model...Do you know that I'm related to Giselle Bundschen?"

Of course, when Jeremy called her out for saying that, she totally denied it...Although the Giselle thing kind of makes sense...Since all three of them sort of have man-faces.

Amanda probably described Elissa the best when she said, "Elissa's not the sharpest botox needle in the tray, but her sister is."

Elissa Slater seemed a bit too confident that her status as the less successful sibling of a former Vegas Show Girl turned reality show skank would carry her when it came to this season's twist. Plus, I'm not really sure that posing naked in magazines aimed at auto-mechanics with gambling problems makes one a "Super Model."

Sure enough, Elissa ended up winning Big Brother's first America's MVP, and told McCrae that she was willing to do whatever he told her to.

Mistakenly thinking that Elissa was talking about the game, McCrae told her to nominate David.

When it was announced that he was the third nominee, David was caught off guard "What? I feel like I was the most likable guy in the house, and I was pissed off."

Paranoid from either a lack of weed or an abundance thereof, David actually accused his showmance, Aaryn, of conspiring against him, who promptly ran off and cried.

Not understanding women, or perhaps intentionally not wanting to get laid, David decided not to just agree with the hot chick (even though she was the one being irrational), and made things even worse by calling her a "dude."

"I was just totally mind boggled...I'm the one on the block, and you're getting pissed off at me? So, I was just totally confused dude...So can we kiss this out?

A less than impressed Aaryn pulled away saying, "No. You're going to have to prove yourself more than that for a kiss."

The Veto Competition involved crawling through honey, picking up random tiles with letters on them, and then trying to successfully spell the longest word of anyone within the time that was allowed.

Speaking of the contest, Aaryn said, "I hold men in my life to a certain standard, and spelling is definitely one of them," right before her BF David became the first player in Big Brother history to finish that competition without spelling a single word correctly. 

Or as Andy said, "Congratulations David, you're an idiot!

Equally alphabetically challenged, Elissa spelled out "Potroasts"...Which is actually two words.

In the end, pizza delivery boy McCrae won the Veto for ironically spelling "Delivery." "Who would have guessed...I feel like the stupidest smart man in the house!"

McCrae then surprised everyone by going against his alliance and using the POV on Candice and putting up his friend Elissa instead.

Of course, Amanda began sharing a bed with McCrae, and began to tempt him with her pepperonis, or as she took her shirt off on Big Brother After Dark and said, "You can't stop looking at them, can you?"

"I decided to go visit the pizza boy, because he makes me feel at home...Crazier things have happened...Just tell me you're like a secret Wall Street millionaire." Of course, Amanda's intentions weren't necessarily pure (see below).

In the end, it was David who was voted out, much to Aaryn and his surprise.

Interestingly, Jeremy voted against his alliance with The Moving Company, and instead tried to keep his showmance alliance with David, Aaryn, Kaitlin and himself intact.

"I think because I'm a a likable guy, I'm pretty smart." He then asked whether Aaryn voted against him and who the BB MVP who nominated him was.

That caused Connie Chung to say, "You can go home and watch all the tapes."

Big Brother 15 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after the first week:

15. Jessie Kowalski - Overall, I think that Jessie is in better standing with the house heading into this week than she was last week, but I'm still dropping her to last place given that Elissa now seems to be valuable as a swing vote and potential reoccurring MVP.

Jessie Kowalski:

14. Candice Stewart - While she's not very well liked in the house, Candice is a former NFL cheerleader.

And when I say Candice Stewart is a former NFL cheerleader, I stress the word "former."

13. Helen Kim - Ellen tried to console her friend Elissa after the Veto spelling competition by saying, "You did a good job. I mean, pot roast, I really thought it was one word," proving that she's the worst Asian ever. 

12. Elissa Slater - A fame whore just like her sister, Elissa kept talking about going to the "Reality Bash" in Vegas once the show is done. Elissa also showed that she traded brains for Botox, as when asked how tall her husband was she said, "He's like 6'0, maybe 5'12."

11. Kaitlin Barnaby - Kaitlin's probably the prettiest girl in the house, but aside from her close friend Aaryn, she has the worst personality and attitude.

The fact that she's on the verge of hooking up with someone as sleazy as Jeremy just cements the conclusion that she's destined to work in strip clubs for the next 10 years.

With that said, Kaitlin Baranaby's ass is to die for.

10. Aaryn Gries - Not happy with David being a slacker, Aaryn grilled him about his career aspirations.

"So don't you think that at 25 you should know what you want to do. Of course, David had the snappy response when he said, "I thought I wanted to become a beach lifeguard...And then I saw the commercial for Big Brother."

Aaryn went on to ask, "Do you make money surfing, because I don't understand," not really getting the part where he doesn't have a job, and at 25, still lives in his mom's basement.

But that didn't stop Aaryn Gries from getting all Tawny Kittean on David Girton's lap.

However, Aaryn soon might be joining David, as her modeling agency has fired her for directing homophobic comments towards Andy, and racist comments towards Ellen while on the show.

Zephyr Talent appreciates the overwhelming support of our difficult decision to release Aaryn Elizabeth Gries from her contract. We wish Aaryn the best of luck in her future endeavors, and recognize that while not everyone will support our decision, we feel that this is in the best interest of our other clients and our company.

Zephyr Talent fully supports free speech, but we also know that free speech does not mean free of consequences. Zephyr Talent, as a company, has always and will continue to be strong supporters of the LGBT community, and we celebrate all races, religions and cultures. While we disagree with Aaryn’s statements, we defend her right to make them; however, due to their direct conflict with many of the values we hold at Zephyr, we cannot continue to allow her to represent our company, nor do we feel comfortable representing her. We feel certain that there will be other agencies which will have no conflict representing her, and wish her nothing but the best.

Any future comments or questions regarding Aaryn Elizabeth should be sent directly to her Facebook page. Comments or questions regarding Big Brother 15 should be directed to CBS.

 
9. Andy Herren - Andy's clearly a floater, but at least he's finally adjusting to society.

Andy Herron's ears: Bat Child Found in Big Brother 15 House!

8. Judd Daughtery - The "J-U-double D Party Darty" had been stacking cans of Bush Light since he was thirteen in the hope that he might be able to participate in some sort of beer can stacking event on national TV.

Given that he still wound up being a "Have-Not" after participating in exactly that event, I'm not thinking that Judd's going to go too much further in this game.

7. Gina Marie Zimmerman - GinaMarie is doing pretty well in the house socially for now, but I have a feeling that she's going to be in trouble once she runs out of cocaine. In fact, her pageant company has already fired her for making racist comments directed at Candice and dropping the N-bomb (and not in a "I'm cool with black people" way) on the show.

GinaMarie Zimmerman: I'm not exactly sure what kind of pageants she ran, but I'm pretty sure that in the future they will involve poles and $2 bills.

6. Amanda Zuckerman - While I initially thought it was sweet that Amanda seemed to have a crush on the self proclaimed "weirdo," McCrae," Amanda let her true intentions be known to Elissa during a conversation on Big Brother After Dark.

"I don't know if I'm going to have a BF after this...Just because I'm sleeping in the same bed as someone doesn't meant that anything is happening."

In apparent reference of getting herself out of the Have-Not room she asked, "If you had a choice to sleep in a room with like light shining into it....you can't see anything at night, what would you do?"

5. Jeremy McGuire - Jeremy went against the MC and tried to secretly vote to keep David in the game, which will either give him power from two sides, and mean his demise in this game.

He's also already taking heat for his bitchy girlfriend, which won't go over well with the rest of the house.

For example, when Kaitlin and Aaryn decided that they needed to drink and snuck a bottle of wine even the rest of the house decided to wait unit midnight when the Have-Nots got off of slop to open it, Jeremy took the arrow.

"I was the one who popped the red wine and drank it...And I drank the shit out of it, and I feel great and I don't give a fuck. I'm here to play anyway, so put me up, let's go! They (Kaitlin and Aaryn) didn't drink it, this guy right here drank it."

"If you all want to get hostile, I'm a Cherokee baby, I need a new tee pee, and I'm about to throw spears at buffalo!"

This Indian Outlaw, Jeremy McGuire, half Cherokee and slack-jaw, is already thinking with his totem pole and playing the wrong side of two different alliances, The Moving Company, and The Couples.

4. McCrae Olson -McCrae has a good spot in The Moving Company Alliance, but the writing's on the wall...At some point Amanda's going to entice him to vote against the MC, and then she's going to screw him over in the end.

It wasn't pretty when Amanda Zuckerman accidentally left a pair of her panties in McCrae Olson's HOH Room.

3. Spencer Clawson - Spencer was critical of alliance member McCrae for snuggling with Amanda for being "blinded by her boobies," but totally fine with Jeremy's showmance with Kaitlin, which actually lead him to vote against his alliance.

While Spencer is on solid ground for now, I can see this whole Moving Company thing falling apart relatively soon due to people like Spencer.

2. Howard Overby - Howard struggled with the Have/Have Not Competition. "I jump into the cooler and I totally forget to hold my breath. Just because you have a body and you work out, doesn't mean that you're going to do great in every competition."

As the black guy, Howard found a way to nearly drown in two feet of water.

Nonetheless, Howard still seems to be Nick's right hand man, and he's pretty strong as a competitor...So long as the competitions don't involve water or snow.

1. Nick Uhas -Nick not only remains in control of the game strategically, but he also appears to be making an in with Kaitlin and the Couples.

I keep getting blog hits asking if Nick Uhas is gay...I'll let you all be the judge of that.

The Big Brother 15 Blog - "I'm not gay, but if I was, I would tear him apart!"

Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 15 Blog posts

The season of Big Brother began with the introduction of several twists.

The first of which being that host Julie Chan is not pregnant for the first time in fifteen seasons of the show, mainly because Maury Povich's prostate finally gave out.

Other twists included the announcement that there would no longer be two contestants. nominated for eviction each week, along with America's Vote selecting a "Player of the Week."

That caused the house's resident stoner, McCrae Olson, to surmise that there would only be one contestant nominated for eviction, temporarily forgetting that would defeat the purpose of having a weekly vote.

And it's the new Player of the Week, not the HOH, who gets the "Super Power" of secretly being able to nominate a third player up for eviction.

Finally, and most significantly, Big Brother After Dark has moved from Showtime to TVGN.

Big Brother After Dark cameras pick up pageant queen Aaryn Gries giving her fake boobs one final check before she left the bedroom and went out to flirt with the guys.

Why is this significant, you might ask?

While I initially thought this was great since I didn't subscribe to Showtime and I actually get TVGN, it actually turned out to be a nightmare.

Being somewhat OCD, I now feel compelled to watch two hours of live Big Brother feed EVERY fucking night, which is stressing out my DVR space...Plus all the bad words are bleeped out, so it's virtually impossible to follow any conversation.

As the house guests were introduced, Howard chose the finest white women available and promptly left the house...Unfortunately, black guys have horrible taste in white women.

With GinaMarie Zimmerman's ass in hand, Howard Overby is already a winner on Big Brother 15.

Ellen Kim described walking into the Big Brother house like "Meeting your favorite celebrity of all-time," which was obviously the show's host, Connie Chung.

Butt-hole surfer dude David Girton had an immediate physical attraction to one particular person on the cast.

"I like to look at myself in front of the mirror and just like hold my peck and see how hard it is and touch my abs. I love the ladies, and the ladies love me."

David went to add, "I definitely can't leave home without my v-necks to show my pecks, but yeah," as he lost his train of thought while provocatively rubbing his nipple.

 

We all now know that David Girton thinks pretty highly of his pecks, but what the fuck is up with his obsession with playing with his own nipples?

The in-house chemistry didn't stop with just David and his salt-kissed, rock-hard nipples.

Kaitlin Barnaby let us know that she was all about bagging a gay guy. "OMG, Andy's so cute! I was hoping for a gaymance this summer!"

And if this prospective relationship goes through, it will put an end to the notion that the "Hag" is inversely proportionate in hotness to her "Fag."

Real physical attractions also started to develop. For example, Jeremy really seemed to like Kaitlin, Amanda was really into Nick, while McCrae was all up in Howard's nether-parts.

Or as McCrae said, "This guy is absolutely jacked, he is cut from stone. I'm not gay, but if I was, I would tear him apart!"

And the while stoner pizza delivery boy Fry, seemed to fool Amanda, Ellen and Andy into thinking that he was secretly some sort of genius on the down low, Rachel Reilly's free-riding sister wasn't fooling anybody.

Even the mentally challenged Judd Daughtery seemed to pick up on the resemblance between her and her sexually transmitted sister, but only in his own way.

"So, Elissa looks a little bit familiar...I kind of want to get to the bottom of it."

It was only after Candice said, "That girl looks like Rachel Reilly's sister...She looks just like her, like lips and her eyes" that the light finally clicked on for Judd, or as he likes to call himself, the J-U-double re!"

"So I thought Elissa looked familiar, and then Candice said she looked like Rachel Reilly, and then it just dawned on me, she's Rachel Reilly's sister!"

A strong initial alliance formed between Nick, Spencer, Jeremy, Howard and God. And while I could be wrong, I believe the ultra religious Howard named their group "The Disciples."

Drunk on people who actually pretended to like him, Jeremy went on to make another alliance with Jessie and Elissa, just in case somebody needed to be evicted from the Jury House at some point.

The seasons' first HOH competition was an endurance contest, that involved hanging onto Popsicles this longest, which made Rachel Reilly's sister the clear favorite to win, and she was only using her mouth.

And literally, before the contest even began, Spencer Clayton (or is it Clayton Spencer) was showing us his "Southern" or "Plumber's Smile."

Proving that white guys from the South talk a good game that they can't back up, Judd dropped out after just of 5 minutes. 

Despite possibly being the most buff guy in the house, Howard went out next.

Of course, he had a built in excuse. "Look at these arms, I can hang on to a giant Popsicle as long as I want to, but I didn't want to come across as big of a threat, so I threw it."

And if that was Howard Overby's way of saying that he's "on the down low," I think McCrae Olson just may be interested.

Meanwhile, Jessie somehow seemed able to hang on to her Popsicle immaculately, causing Aaryn to question, "Are your Kegel's holding on to that Popsicle?"

Surprisingly, Jessie Kowalski and her "Polish pussy" was able to hang to her Popsicle even when she let go with her hands!

That caused a stunned Jeremy to almost drool when he said, "Never in my life have I wanted to be a Popsicle so bad."

However, Jeremy didn't turn out to be as strong as he thought he was and he immediately started making excuses. "The challenge to me is, I have 210 pounds to hold up. I may have these guns, but gravity's not my friend,"

Sure enough, Jeremy dropped out after playing what he claimed to be a "Cherokee Mind Game" with David, which apparently involved not doing very well in battles and drinking heavily. 

Did I say Jeremy McGuire was Native American? Because the Native American's wouldn't claim him even when he was a white kid put up for adoption to a white couple.

And as Jeremy was busy making excuses about why he wasn't as athletic as he claimed he was, David seemed more worried about his hair than winning HOH.

"My hair would have to be, definitely, be my prize possession. If all these Big Brother competitions are going to be like messing up my hair, I don't know, like - I don't know."

"Angry Bird" David Girton is "definitely" mistaken if he thinks that he has "good hair."

In the end, Nick ended up making a deal with McCrae where he wouldn't go up for eviction in any shape or form in return for dropping from his Popsicle.

That caused McCrae to forget all about his job at the local pizza place and go for an endorsement deal with Digiornos by coming up with an awesome catchphrase and yelling, "Pizza boy's delivering baby!"

Big Brother 15 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Episode 1:

16. Elissa Slater - With the house realizing on day one that Elissa looks like her sister, Rachel Reilly, there's probably not much she can do at this point. However, there's even worse news for Elissa....She looks just like her sister.

At least Elissa Slater learned something from her famous Big Brother alumni relatives. Her brother-in-law Brendan Villanueva taught her to bend over and take it like a man...Then again, so did her sister, Rachel Reilly.

15. Jessie Kowalski - Jessie seems like the girl who maxed out back in high school and still thinks way too highly of herself. "I was varsity swim team, I was captain of the cheerleading squad in Junior High. Girls are always jealous of me because of my great personality and good looks."

Girls who have "great personalities,""good looks" and who wear shirts without bras like Jessie Kowalski aren't  usually unemployed, single, or the first ones on the nominating block unless they have some serious flaws.

14. Candice Stewart - A black girl who was adopted and raised by white parents, Candice took the worse traits of both females from both races...Competing in pageants and trying to date pro athletes.

Candice Stewart: She got some crazy in her eyes...Plus she's fat now.

13. Helen Kim - As the old chick at 37, Helen seems a little too reclusive and a little too interested in having sex with Candice to aspire to be anything more than a floater...And that's her best case scenario.

12. Kaitlin Barnaby - Kaitlin seems like a bitchy mean girl, but aside from Aaryn, she doesn't have any other bitchy girls to bond with.That probably won't get her very far in this game, not unless she and Aaryn can bond with Jessie and turn some of the boys, or at least turn some of the boys on.

On the other hand, Kaitlin Barnaby's boobs are really, really nice!

11. Aaryn Gries - Trying to prove her grittiness, Aaryn claimed, "I am the ultimate Texas girl, I have no problems getting my hands dirty." That is, except for the part where she's a prissy pageant queen who actually won the title of Miss Teen Colorado International, which should probably just be shortened to Miss Teen Colorado*

Then again, Aaryn Gries really might be a tomboy from Texas...They even had to blur out the penis between her legs when she was riding this 4-wheeler.  

10. Andy Herren - Andy is either laying low and analyzing the competition, or he's totally boring and intimidated by the rest of the cast.

Much like Aaryn, Gina Marie and Candice, Andy Herren made  the obligatory pageant face with spirit fingers upon being introduced to the house.

9. Judd Daughtery - Judd's not the sharpest catfish in the shed, but at least he seems entertaining to the other house guests based upon his stupidity. For example, Judd talked about his hobbies back home.

"I'm just a good ole boy, and around these parts everyone calls me 'J-U- double D, party darty!' I like to frog gig, I like to fish, and I like to cook-out with all my friends."

He went on to say, "I hope they have some hot Italian women in there from Staten Island in there, that's something that I'm not used to here in 'East Tennessee,'" you know, because hot Italian women definitely love them some guys who can gig them some frogs.

Crazy enough, not only were there two girls from Staten Island in the house, but "East Tennessee" became an official state in protest of Obama being elected President.

But despite all of his faults, at least Judd was socially aware. "I was kind of thinking that people might think that I'm the dumbest guy in the house, and then I meet David (Girton), and maybe that's not going to be the case after all."

8. Gina Marie Zimmerman - This aging porn model immediately sought the ultra religious Howard, literally mounted him and said, "I'm from Staten Island, we like out muscle. This guy definitely got some muscle."

She went on to add, "I'm GinaMarie, I'm from Staten Island, and these are real," making her the only girl from Staten Island with blond hair and real boobs. 

Is that a cleavage piercing, or does GinaMarie Zimmerman have genital herpes on her fake boobs?

7. Amanda Zuckerman - I can't get a good read on Amanda yet. She seems very personable, but also very polarizing, meaning I can see her sharp sense of humor rubbing people the wrong way...And by people, I just mean Jeremy.

6. David Girton - David introduced himself to the house by saying, "I'm David, I'm a beach lifeguard, and, yeah..."

David Girton lost his train of thought before he could tell everyone that he played Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Rex Manning in Empire Records.

5. McCrae Olson - Saying, "I don't aspire to anything aside from being the best damn delivery boy there's ever been," I can't say that McCrae has set his sights on anything higher than co-starring in a Jenna Jameson porno.

Unfortunately for McCrae, I'm talking about the current meth'd out Jenna Jameson, not the hot Jenna Jameson back when she was only drunk and coked up. On the plus side I don't think McCrae would care, and he may have found his way into the all guy alliance.

Well, by going in "black face" McCrae Olson can probably rule out the Digiorno endorsement gig, but the porn role with Jenna Jameson may still not be out of the question.

4. Howard Overby - If the ultra religious Howard turns out to be the leader of the all guys alliance, does that make him Black Jesus? Does that make GinaMarie his whore?

Honestly, I'm still impressed by Howard Overby's one-handed catch of GinaMarie Zimmerman and her ass when she lunged at him...It's kind of like he was just palming a basketball.

3. Spencer Clawson - Spencer is overly dramatic with his quotes, kind of like Lane and Kentucky Joe, who thought that being loud in the confession room would magically make what they were saying interesting. On the plus side for Spencer, he seems tight with a pretty strong alliance to start the summer off.

2. Jeremy McGuire - Jeremy is also in strong with the guy's alliance, but he just puts out this psychopathic vibe, like he wouldn't think twice about skinning you alive with a buck knife or dealing your cards from the bottom of a stacked deck if you rubbed him the wrong way.

Jeremy McGuire keeps talking about how he's Native American. His tattoos are a tribal symbol for "Giant Douche Bag."

1. Nick Uhas -Nick appears to the the ringleader of the all male alliance. The way he looks and the way he acts kind of reminds me of the best player in Big Brother history, Dan Gheesling. Now let's see if he can live up to that comparison.

The Big Brother 15 Blog - Meet The Cast



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Finally, a new season of Big Brother is upon us, which is the official sign that either Rachel Reilly or one of Russell Hantz' relatives stop drawing unemployment and starts listing their occupation as "best reality show villain ever."

This season's twists for Big Brother include putting three house guests up for eviction each week instead of two, which will only make it easier for dominant alliances since they can take an extra vote away from the minority side simply through the nominations.

The show will also allow America to vote for a "Big Brother MVP" each week, who will then receive some sort of secret power. I'm just hoping that "Retard Super Strength" is one of the options.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website, as well as anything I can find on them from their social media pages.

Nick Uhas: Originally from Columbus, OH, Nick now lives in New York City where he claims to be an entrepreneur.

Pros: This kid is like ADD on crack...He'll have no problem talking to people.

Cons: Despite what he says in his profile, Nick appears to be an Ivy League Graduate (Yale). He's also a burgeoning actor, having appeared in many popular shows and movies. Nick's either downplaying his career, or he's a habitual bullshitter. Either way, he's on the show just looking for his 5 minutes of fame.

Actor Nick Uhas: I vote to give him Big Brother Super Power in the form of an American Apparel t-shirt and some underpants so we don't have to see his pubes.

Spencer Clawson: A train conductor from Arkansas.

Pros: I'm not sure if he's gay or not, but Spencer sure looks like a "Hair Bear." He even lists James from Season 6 as his Idol, so any gay contestants should take an immediate liking to him.

Cons: Spencer claims to be a polarizing personality, and given that he's from Arkansas I can't see him having the social skills to do well in a house full of young Type A personalities.

Spencer Clawson: The "Hair Bear."

Jessie Kowalski: An unemployed single dog mom from Beaumont, TX.

Pros: Jessie's a pretty face, but she's probably more ideally suited to appear as a contestant on the The Bachelor.

Cons: Since Jessie lists her iPhone5 and her dog as the things she'll miss the most about being in the house, she may not be emotionally prepared to play the game.

Jessie Kowalski: If you look closely, her finger and toenail polishes don't match, which suggests a major character flaw..at least coming from someone who has to have his underwear match his outfits.

Kaitlin Barnaby: A bartender from Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Pros: Kaitlin seems pretty hot, and while she lists herself as "single," her Facebook pictures suggest otherwise. That should lead to some uncomfortable moments for her (former) boyfriend back home when she eventually hooks up with Nick or Jeremy. (Editor's note, the remaining house guests revealed that Jeremy confirmed that he indeed ended up having sex with Kaitlin while they were in the Big Brother house).

Cons: Kaitlin appears to have some serious "daddy issues," as she considers overcoming her family problems to become what she is today (a bartender) to be a one of her biggest triumphs in life, throwing Spencer and McCrae into the list of guys she might hook with.

Kaitlin Barnaby's boyfriend appears to have out kicked his coverage, so I'm guessing that she'll have no problem ditching him for the first pretty boy on the show who tries to use her for her vote...I mean sex.

Jeremy McGuire: A 23 year-old boat shop associate from Katy, Texas.

Pros: Being that he's from Katy, Texas, I was afraid that Jeremy might in some way be related to Russell Hantz, but he doesn't appear to be a dwarf.

Cons: Claiming that he's never watched Big Brother (but his mom has), I have to wonder what Jeremy's motives for coming on the show are.

Helen Kim: Helen is a 37-year-old political consultant from Chicago.

Pros: Helen lists her least favorite player in Big Brother history as Rachel Reilly, whose sister is a contestant this season...So that should make things interesting.

Cons: Helen seems to come from a very close nit and conservative family...Plus, being that she's Asian, she apparently didn't make the cut to be on Survivor.

Helen Kim:

Elissa Slater: A nutritionist, mom and Jesus freak from North Carolina (go figure).

Pros: A legacy contestant selection...She's Rachel Reilly's sister.

Cons: She's Rachel Reilly's sister.

Elissa Slater: Fortunately, Elissa appeared on Big Brother one year too late, or there would have been an outside possibility that Rachel Reilly's sister could have hooked up with Russell Hantz's brother...And there's not enough genital wart cream or restraining orders in the world that could have prepared us for that unholy union of reality trash.

Amanda Zuckerman: A real estate agent in Florida, but originally from Long Island.

Pros: Unlike the other girls, she's never competed in a beauty pageant, appeared in Maxim, or hawked herself for anything other than her real estate business.

Cons: I'll give her three months before she's appearing topless in Maxim.

Amanda Zuckerman: Okay, so she's never held the title of Miss Teen New York...But you should never say never!

Candice Stewart: A speech therapist from New Orleans.

Pros: While she claims to be a speech therapist, a quick Google search shows that she has also been a cheerleader for the Houston Texans and New Orleans Saints.

Cons: She didn't last very long when she was Robyn on The Bachelor.

Candice Stewart: Joining Maxim models, cheerleaders for professional sports teams appear to be the new target for reality show casting agents.

McCrae Olson: A 24-year-old pizza delivery boy from Minnesota.

Pros: This whole "Big Brother Superpower" twist might be right up McCrae's ally.

Then again, McCrae Olson isn't exactly the Man of Steel.

Cons: Unless he's on the show to sneak weed to the other other contestants, I'm thinking that McCrae might be a little bit outmatched intellectually by the other contestants...Even the Maxim models and cheerleaders.

According to his Facebook page, McCrae Olson was ecstatic to meet fellow Minnesota native, Playboy Playmate and Big Brother contestant, Janelle Pierzina...I can only imagine how bad he'll freak out when he's in the Big Brother house and actually gets to live with a house full of women who've posed naked before.

Judd Daughtery: A property appraiser from Etowah, Tennessee.

Pros: His claim to fame is that he's overcome dealing with anxiety.

Cons: He seems pretty rednecky. There's also a chance he will be cut off from his medication while in the house while in front of a national audience, which would at least be fun to watch.

Judd Daughtery

Howard Overby: A youth counselor from Mississippi.

Pros: Howard loves church, fishing, shooting guns and helping kids.

Cons: Based on his "likes," he sounds a lot like a redneck.

Along with Elissa Slater, Howard Overby appears to be this year's resident Big Brother Jesus freak.

GinaMarie Zimmerman: A 32-year-old pageant coordinator from Staten Island.

Pros: GinaMarie is also a Maxim model and former Bud Light Fantasy Girl, so I guess some people must find her pretty.

Cons: Her favorite inspirational quote is a line from The Fast and the Furious...And given that GinaMarie looks to Vin Diesel movies for inspiration, she's officially stupid.

GinaMarie Zimmerman's ass also doubles as the "good side" of her face.

David Girton: A lifeguard from San Diego.

Pros: He's your cliche laid back butt-hole surfer dude, so he should be easy to get along with.

Cons: David lists homophobic former contestant Jeff  Schroeder as his favorite contestant, and he rates Jeff's retarded girlfriend Jordan as a "10" on a scale of 10, so I'm thinking that he might have been trapped under water too long at some point in his life.

David Girton

Andy Herren: A professor from Chicago, Illinois

Pros: He's proud to be a red-head, which goes a long way with the editor of this site.

Cons: Andy may be a little too aggressive and full of himself...No red-head voluntarily calls himself "adorable," we have too many scars from high school.

Andy Herren: That is one lucky gerbil!

Aaryn Gries: A 22-year-old college student, currently living in Texas.

Pros: She's the former "Miss Teen Colorado International," for whatever that's worth. Aaryn also claims that she's going to put her training in psychology to good use on the show, hoping to become the first person in history to ever put their undergrad psychology major to any sort of use whatsoever.

Cons: Her strategy for winning is, "I think I will go into the game with the same mentality I go into life, only focusing on myself," which goes hand in hand with her shitty pageant girl persona.

Aaryn Gries: Aaryn somehow parlayed her title of Miss Teen Colorado International into a deal with Maxim, although she lost out on the title of Maxim Hottie of the Year to Maine's Blueberry Queen...But it was really, really close.