2014 NASCAR Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Racin'

The 2014 NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this week, beginning with the sports biggest race of the year. And then after the Nationwide Series 300 Mile Race at Daytona Speedway comes the Daytona 500!

I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from picking up a limited edition hunting case of Busch beer that comes in the orange cans, Googling "Danica Patrick naked," and predicting the 2014 Sprint Cup results.

ASSCAR - The Ballad of Ricky's Boobies," starring Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.

The big change for the upcoming NASCAR season involves a modification to the rules regarding who qualifies for the Chase for the Sprint Cup that will reward actual race winners and minimize the importance of non-relevant factors such as laps lead and the number of times that a driver has slept with Emily Maynard.

Due to the success of their Truck Series, NASCAR will be teaming with John Deere to launch a new series aimed at a slightly less educated audience.

Say what you want about NASCAR, but there's no doubting the positive economic impact it brings to communities like Daytona Beach when over 100,000 rabid fans come to town a couple of weekends a year just to watch the races.

"Excuse me boy, can you tell us on what aisle we can find the Busch Light in them orange huntin' themed cans?"

With that said, how will this season play out? Let's take a look!

POLE POSITION

(Who the Top 10 finishers in the 2014 Sprint Cup will be, and why)

10. Darrell Wallace, Jr. - As part of their "Race for Diversity" program, NASCAR will not only be trying to lure rapper 50 Cent back to this year's Daytona 500, but they'll actually be pushing a young and upcoming African-American driver this year. 

And if they're serious about remedying their history of discrimination, they'll employ some affirmative action and give Darrell Wallace, Jr. a slight advantage over the other drivers when it comes to his car. 

That way Wallace can play the role of a wresting heel, making black power speeches to the angry crowds every time he wins, and telling all the other drivers how much their wives and girlfriends want him to generate ratings.

9. Tony Stewart - Tony Stewart is no stranger to overcoming adversity. This year the question he will have to address is whether or not he can recover from a relatively routine leg injury and still be able to push down on the gas pedal and turn left the same way that he used to.

If Dick Trickle (R.I.P.) could race while smoking, I'm pretty sure that Tony Stewart can come back from a broken leg.

8. Richard Petty - Apparently Richard Petty is still alive, and he's none too happy about what a woman like Danica Patrick is doing to his "sport," even if driving in NASCAR requires absolutely no athletic ability whatsoever.

But "The King" wants you to know that he isn't sexist, and if you don't believe it, he has definitive proof to show that he's not:

"It was definitely not sexist, OK? Hey look, I've been married 55 years to the same woman. So I am not a sexist by any ways. I love women."

In any event, if Petty really does at the very least see the marketing opportunities for NASCAR that women like Danica Patrick have to offer, I see the opportunity for a comeback and the South's version of Bobby Riggs vs. Billie Jean King, with the winner getting the rights to Petty's old STP car.

7. Clint Bowyer - Confirming the argument that NASCAR drivers are not even remotely close to being athletes, Clint Bowyer noted how he doesn't work out at the gym because, and I quote, "Those weights are heavy," which is probably why they're called "weights."

Boyer made news a few years back by asking a foreign reporter if they had rednecks in Europe after talking about how he was going to "Redneck it up" after a big win.

After the confused reporter got Bowyer's definition of what a redneck was, he responded by saying that Germany had people like that "up north," but they were considered less intelligent than the people in the rest of his country.

That caused Bowyer to exclaim, "That's us!"

On the serious side, Boyer is the driver who intentionally spun his car out at the end of last season to help a teammate finish in line for "The Chase for the Sprint Cup," which pretty much defines everything that's wrong with NASCAR.

When a mediocre player can impact your sport's playoff participants simply by taking a dive, and your sport's Commissioner has to retroactively re-do your playoff brackets without any formal rules or precedent to support his decision...Well, that's the sign of a really crappy fantasy football league, not a multi-billion dollar industry.

6. Austin Dillon - Team owner Richard Childress giving NASCAR's sacred #3 to his rookie grandson Austin Dillon is kind of like giving Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s car to his kid. Sure, nobody wants to see either of them starve to death, but at least limit their jobs to something behind the scenes where the nepotism is a little less visible. 

I'm not saying that Autin Dillon and his Charlie 1 Horse cowboy hats are going to rub people the wrong way, but getting his ride and plush #3 from his granddaddy are gonna make him NASCAR's newest villain in the eyes of many Dale Earnhardt Sr. fans.

5. Jeff Gordon - Everybody is making a big deal about gay athletes coming out, yet nobody ever mentions Jeff Gordon as NASCAR's gay ambassador as "The Rainbow Warrior."

Jeff Gordon flag: You can ban gays in the South, but can't take the South out of the gays.

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - With NASCAR's new rules for qualifying for The Chase to the Sprint Cup favoring drivers who actually win races, it looks like it will be another disappointing year for Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Jr.

At this point, I don't think there's anything you could tell me about the stupidity of a NASCAR fan that would shock me...In fact, I heard that upon seeing this Dale Jr. six-pack tattoo, Brad Keselowski was so desperate for a beer that he even tried to drink one of them.

3. Jimmie Johnson - As somebody who's into nutrition and has ran a marathon the last few years before kicking off the Daytona 500, Jimmie Johnson is the opposite of Clint Boyer and Tony Stewart. Sure a woman beat him in the marathon, but that will just help prepare him for this year's Sprint Cup standings.

If you pee on the home pregnancy test stick and numbers appear on your stomach, it means you got knocked up by a NASCAR driver.

Unfortunately, they all come out looking like Emily Maynard's retarded kid, lil' Ricki.

2. Brad Keselowski - The best thing about Brad Keselowski having Miller Light as his sponsor is that he's no stranger to drinking their stupid juice and talking to the press even though his family, his race team, and NASCAR's President have all commanded him not to.

Indy drivers drink a bottle of milk after winning the Indy 500, NASCAR drivers like Brad Keselowski slam pitchers of beer...That seems about right.

1. Danica Patrick -This whole Richard Petty thing may be just the spark that Danica Patrick and Tony Stewart needed to finally sync their menses and dominate NASCAR for the next decade. And in an encouraging sign, they both blew engines during their Daytona 500 qualifying runs.

Speaking of which, Danica's run as the Go Daddy girl is getting a bit old. Can't we find her some a better sponsorship fit like IKEA, Tampax, or KY Jelly?

Richard Petty is entitled to his own opinion, but I think Danica Patrick has more than proven that there isn't anything that a guy can to do on the track that she can't.

And last but not least, if this isn't an annual tradition to kick of the NASCAR season, it should be!

This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or for that matter, any evangelical church.

The Bachelor Blog: "You threw shit at each other?"

This week Juan Pablo and the girls traveled to New Zealand where he was so excited that he exclaimed, "Aye-yi-yi!"

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Andi for some type of river cave adventure, only she seemed confused when they got there and there were no crashed airplanes, putters or colored golf balls.

Ultimately, they made their way to a hot spring waterfall, where Andi would have essentially lived every white girls dream of showering with Juan Pablo, if only she wasn't dressed up like she was going to compete in a boys high school wrestling meet.

As Andi sat next to Juan Pablo she gushed, "This is by the most romantic date I've ever been on."

Unfortunately, with Andi Dorfman in a one piece bathing suit, Juan Pablo probably wasn't thinking the same thing.

And when Andi said, "It was crazy just to feel the heat of the earth bubbling up, coming through the water," it became obvious that Juan Pablo had the girls so boy crazy over him that could even talk themselves into getting excited over him farting in the water.

However, Juan Pablo did end up giving Andi a Rose at the end of their date, allowing her to keep playing "hide the crazy" for at least one more week.

The Group Date can best be described by the question, 'What do you get when you mix Hobbits, balls and girls in bikinis?'

Sadly, it wasn't as cool as what you might have been thinking.

In fact, those three things somehow made for the most boring Group Date in The Bachelor history. 

As it turns out, Juan Pablo took the girls to the lush countryside where The Lord of the Rings movies were filmed in order to roll down hills in giant inflatable balls filled with water.

When Chelsie saw the countryside she exclaimed, "It kind of reminds me kind a little like Ohio, except we don't have hills."

Of course, Chelsie might have been overselling Ohio just a little bit, forgetting to mention all of the jean shorts, the miles upon miles of brown fields, and people who don't know how to stay the fuck out of the fast lane when they drive under the speed limit. 

Juan Pablo went on to tell Renee that she was one of his "special ones."

Of course, he said the same thing to Cassandra Ferguson, and he sent her home before the Rose Ceremony for having a baby with NBA player (notice how I didn't say star), Rodney Stuckey.

The Group Date Rose ended up going to Sharleen, the girl who doesn't even like Juan Pablo but keeps him around just for the sport of it...Wait, that's not how this show is supposed to work, is it?

The second 1-on-1 Date went to Clare, for a "casual" date with Juan Pablo. And by "casual," I mean that they simply put on sweat pants, t-shirts, and didn't have sex in the ocean.

At the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Juan Pablo said about Rene, "There's nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid."

Of course he meant to add, "Except for Cassandra and her ugly baby," who was the obvious exception to that rule.

In addition to Cassandra's early exit, Juan Pablo also sent Kat home at the Rose Ceremony.

That caused Kat, the other ex-NBA cheerleader on the show to bemoan, "All my life I've been told how great I am, and what a great catch I am, and yet, here I sit."

And honestly, who can blame Kat for feeling like a failure now that she's pushing the age of 30 without even having landed a bitchin' child support check like Cassandra scored by the age of 19.

And as the show continues, Renee, the other single mom, has to be considered the new favorite in the clubhouse...If for no other reason than Chris Harrison asking in amazement, "You threw shit at each other?"

2014 NFL Mock Draft: Post Super Bowl

Here is my Post Super Bowl 2014 NFL Mock Draft. It will be followed by updates before and after the NFL Scouting Combine up until the NFL Draft on May 8th.

My mock draft has been linked by The Football Fan Spot, Sports Jabber, DC Pro Sports Report, Walter Football, FF Toolbox, hailRedskins.com, The Football Expert, Fantasy Football Help Desk, The Huddle Report, Niners Nation, EDS Football, NFL Mock Draft Central and NFL Pro Zach in their Mock Draft Databases.

This is not a mock draft where I attempt play general manager and substitute my own judgment for the 32 NFL teams.

I do my best to research what particular players or positions each team may be targeting based upon the opinions of reliable beat writers, scouts and insiders in order to provide links and then my analysis as to why a team may be focusing on a particular player.

1st Round

1. Houston Texans – Teddy Bridgewater, QB, Louisville: The Texans have a new coach, who in turn needs a new quarterback. Sure, Matt Schaub had some good years, but you just don't ever come back from serious lisfranc fractures as the same player. Johnny Manziel's attitude doesn't seem to be a fit with new no-nonsense coach Bill O'Brien, so that makes Teddy Bridgewater the better option, at least for now. Watch for Cleveland as a potential partner for Houston to trade down with in the even that they are not sold on Bridgewater or Manziel.

http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap2000000320317/article/mcclain-houston-texans-will-draft-quarterback-over-clowney

2. Cleveland Browns (from Washington, via projected trade with St. Louis) - Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A and M: Once again the Cleveland Browns and their front office are in turmoil. Not only did they botch their search for a new head coach, but they're tipping their hand through rumors that they would be willing to trade up for a high risk pick like "Johnny Football." The Browns and their new offensive coordinator Brian Shanahan also appear to have an interest in trading with the Washington Redskins for Kirk Cousins, although I'm not sure that he would be an upgrade over his former mentor at Michigan State, Brian Hoyer. 

http://blog.chron.com/ultimatetexans/2014/01/report-browns-willing-to-move-up-in-draft-for-manziel/

3. Jacksonville Jaguars – Jadeveon Clowney, DE, South Carolina: Much like the Browns, Jacksonville owner Shad Khan has already disclosed that he intends on finding a new quarterback for the Jaguars somewhere in this draft. And while that's not a surprise, it does put another QB hungry team like Cleveland on notice to trade up if there's a player like Johnny Manziel or Teddy Bridgewater that they truly want. In that event, Jacksonville will either be forced to settle for a consolation prize at QB, or the best player available at another position of need. Fortunately, DE is also huge need for the Jaguars, making South Carolina DE Jadeveon Clowney a logical choice.

http://members.jacksonville.com/opinion/blog/400642/hays-carlyon/2014-01-31/jaguars-owner-shad-khan-reveals-key-draft-info-times;
http://members.jacksonville.com/sports/football/jaguars/2014-01-31/story/time-draft-quarterbacks-says-jaguars-owner-shad-khan;
http://members.jacksonville.com/opinion/blog/544821/ryan-ohalloran/2014-02-04/gus-talks-clowney-mccarron-free-agencyhttp://members.jacksonville.com/opinion/blog/544821/ryan-ohalloran/2014-02-04/gus-talks-clowney-mccarron-free-agency;
http://members.jacksonville.com/sports/football/jaguars/2014-01-22/story/jaguars-have-eye-pass-rush-prospects-senior-bowl

4. St. Louis Rams – Jake Mathews, OT, Texas A and M: I look for the Rams to trade down, possibly with Cleveland at #4, and still have the opportunity to select the tackle or true go-to WR that Sam Bradford desperately needs. With St. Louis holding two first round picks and the draft deep at both positions of need, they can trade down and still go with their highest rated player available at either position of need.

http://live.stltoday.com/Event/Rams_chat_with_Jim_Thomas_27?Page=0; 
http://live.stltoday.com/Event/Joe_Strauss_Live_22?Page=1

5. Oakland Raiders - Sammy Watkins, WR, Clemson: Oakland has huge needs at key positions like QB, WR and DE. If Jadeveon Clowney is not available, the Raiders could add a playmaker at WR in Sammy Watkins and target an established QB like Michael Vick or Josh Freeman in free agency.

http://blog.sfgate.com/raiders/2014/01/16/some-other-quick-hits-from-the-mckenzie-chat/;
http://www.insidebayarea.com/marcus-thompson/ci_24989113/thompson-raiders-need-clemson-receiver-sammy-watkins;
http://www.ibabuzz.com/oaklandraiders/2014/01/16/raiders-g-m-mckenzie-outlines-future-plans/?doing_wp_cron=1391309568.5222411155700683593750

6. Atlanta Falcons – Greg Robinson, T, Auburn: Whether it's Jake Mathews, Jadeveon Clowney, or Greg Robinson, the Falcons desperately need help on the edges of their offensive and defensive lines. Auburn OT Greg Robinson would be an immediate upgrade over current LT Sam Baker. 

http://atlantafalcons.blog.ajc.com/2014/01/20/falcons-heavily-scouting-the-offensive-lines-at-the-senior-bowl/;
http://atlantafalcons.blog.ajc.com/2014/01/14/ot-greg-robinson-or-lb-anthony-barr/;
http://atlantafalcons.blog.ajc.com/2014/01/13/de-jadeveon-clowney-or-lt-jake-matthews/

7. Tampa Bay Bucanneers – Anthony Barr, DE/OLB, UCLA: The Buccaneers are going back to a "Tampa Two" defense under new head coach Lovie Smith, which means they will put a premium on getting pressure on opposing quarterbacks from their front four without the benefit of many blitzes from their LB's or DB's. There is some question as to whether Anthony Barr from UCLA projects as defensive end or an outside linebacker, but Tampa has some bigger defensive ends to utilize in run packages, and can use Barr at LB and as a situational rush end as he bulks up.

http://tbo.com/sports/bucs/frazier-bucs-defense-missing-key-pieces-20140116/

8. Minnesota Vikings – Blake Bortels, QB, Central Florida: Unless they really see something they like in Blake Bortels or Derek Carr, the Vikings could find themselves on the ass end of the QB lottery. As of right now, there's enough hype around Central Florida's Blake Bortels that could support him being a top ten pick. With Matt Cassel voiding his option for the 2014 season, I don't think they have any other choice.

http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1920914-minnesota-vikings-2014-mock-draft-who-is-the-ideal-pick-in-every-round/page/2;
http://www.vikings.com/news/article-1/Monday-Morning-Mailbag/cf9e07a7-342a-467e-bc60-1708acf799f9;
http://blogs.twincities.com/vikings/2014/01/06/could-bortles-be-another-ucf-quarterback-picked-high-by-vikings/

9. Buffalo Bills – Mike Evans, WR, Texas A and M: I'm not sure that Buffalo's biggest need is at WR, but the other needs that they do have at S, G, OLB, and TE are all addressable in the middle rounds of the draft. In all honesty, the Bills are pretty mediocre across the board, and absent a veteran QB, some more help on offense for second year QB E.J. Manuel is their best chance for immediate improvement. 
  
http://www.buffalonews.com/sports/bills-nfl/jay-skurskis-mock-draft-in-qb-rich-year-bills-could-go-for-wideout-20140126

10. Detroit Lions – Justin Gilbert, CB, Oklahoma State: The Lions two biggest needs are for an elite CB and a WR opposite Calvin Johnson. Because this is a deep WR draft, the Lions would be wise to get their lock down corner while they are still available in Round 1, while filling their need for a #2 receiver like Jordan Mathews of Vanderbilt on the second day of the draft. While local product Darqueze Dennard of Michigan State is an option at CB, the Lions have expressed an interest in bigger corners, making Justin Gilbert of Oklahoma State their more likely target.

http://www.mlive.com/lions/index.ssf/2014/01/detroit_lions_fans_want_michig.html;
http://www.mlive.com/lions/index.ssf/2014/02/detroit_lions_will_continue_pu.html#incart_flyout_sports;
http://www.mlive.com/lions/index.ssf/2014/02/espns_mel_kiper_jr_sticking_wi.html#incart_river

11. Tennessee Titans – Stephon Truitt, DE, Notre Dame: With a huge need at pass rusher, Stephon Truitt would provide the Titans with a prototypical "5-Technique" pass rusher as they transition into more of a 3-4 defense. Anthony Barr of UCLA could also be a consideration as a pass rushing OLB should he fall out of the top ten picks.

http://www.tennessean.com/article/20140119/SPORTS01/301190056/Wyatt-Titans-roster-needs-makeover-key-positions

12. New York Giants – Zack Martin, T, Notre Dame: The Giants offensive line is a complete mess, and LT is the best place to start to address that problem. Drafting a true LT would have a positive cascade effect, allowing Will Beatty to move to RT and Justin Pugh to G. With his performance at the Senior Bowl, Zack Martin may have propelled himself over Taylor Lewan, who never quite lived up to his hype at Michigan.

http://espn.go.com/blog/new-york-giants/post/_/id/30805/no-its-not-too-early-for-giants-draft-talk;
http://www.nj.com/giants/index.ssf/2014/01/giants_nfl_draft_ol_zach_martin_works_way_into_top_15_mix.html

13. St Louis Rams - Marqise Lee, WR, USC: In this scenario, the Rams have already landed their LT of the future in Jake Mathews, and they look to get an explosive #1 WR with their second pick of the first round. Alternatively, they could target Sammy Watkins with their first pick, and a LT like Taylor Lewan or Zack Martin with their second, but going LT first and WR second plays out as the better all around value.

http://live.stltoday.com/Event/Rams_chat_with_Jim_Thomas_27?Page=0;
http://live.stltoday.com/Event/Joe_Strauss_Live_22?Page=1

14. Chicago Bears – Ha Ha Clinton Dix, S, Alabama: The Bears aging defense has finally caught up to them, as they now must address major holes at CB, S, LB, and DT...And that's before a salary cap decision has even been made on Julius Peppers. For now, a S with cover corner skills like Ha Ha Clinton-Dix seems like a good start to fill one of those holes, but a DT to potentially replace Henry Melton or a LB could also be considerations.

http://chicago.cbslocal.com/2014/02/04/hoge-2014-bears-mock-draft-1-0/
 
15. Pittsburgh Steelers – Louis Nix III, DT, Notre Dame: The Steel Curtain is broken, and part of the reason is the huge hole that has existed at NT since Casey Hampton was let go due to age, injuries and salary. Steve McLendon was a complete failure as Hampton's replacement against the run, and Cameron Heyward and Louis Nix III out of Notre Dame would be a nice start in re-establishing a defensive line that can shut down the run.

http://www.post-gazette.com/sports/steelers/2014/02/03/Ray-Fittipaldo-s-Steelers-chat-transcript-02-03-14/stories/201402030126

* Dallas Cowboys - Timmy Jernigan, DT, Florida State: Dallas realized the deficiencies in Monte Kiffin's "Tampa Two" defense, so they replaced him with....Wait for it....Monte Kiffin...I mean Rod Marinelli, who's an even more stubborn version of Kiffin. With that said, if Dallas wants any chance to compete to compete in the NFC East they need to find their version of Warren Sapp at the "3-Technique." While Timmy Jernigan is a bit undersized, he's not only quick, but he's very strong against the run.

http://cowboysblog.dallasnews.com/2013/12/cowboys-5-thoughts-where-do-they-go-from-here.html/

* Baltimore Ravens – Taylor Lewan, T, Michigan: Baltimore still seems to have some interest in re-signing free agent LT Eugene Monroe. However, Monroe hasn't graded out well enough over the past few seasons to justify a big contract, so Baltimore may want to start from scratch with a young LT that new offensive coordinator Gary Kubiak can develop in his zone blocking scheme.

http://www.baltimoresun.com/sports/ravens/ravens-insider/bal-ravens-news-and-notes-20140203,0,7467608.story

18. New York Jets – Eric Ebron, TE, North Carolina: As of right now, the Jets are sticking with Antonio Cromartie at CB. Should that hold true following free agency and heading into the draft, it would free the team to pursue a player at a position of need like WR or TE. The question remains as to whether or not one of the top three receivers will still be on the board when the Jets select at #18, and if not, whether the next best WR is worth a mid 1st Round selection. In this case, the top WR's are off the board, but the Jets can still get QB Geno Smith a legitimate receiving threat in North Carolina TE Eric Ebron. 

http://espn.go.com/blog/new-york/jets/post/_/id/35360/kipermcshay-mock-draft-reax-jets;
http://www.rantsports.com/nfl/2014/02/07/scouting-potential-new-york-jets-draft-picks-darqueze-dennard/

19. Miami Dolphins – Cyrus Kouandjio, T, Alabama: With Miami losing the entire left side of their offensive line due to the Ritchie Incognito-Jonathan Martin bullying scandal and potentially needing two more linemen on the right side, the Dolphins have little choice but to address LT with their 1st Round pick. 

http://www.sun-sentinel.com/sports/miami-dolphins/sfl-askomar,0,6671297.story

20. Arizona Cardinals – Morgan Moses, T, Virginia: Arizona finally cut ties with Levi Brown, who was a stopgap option at best at LT. With 2013 1st round G Jonathan Cooper coming back from an injury that caused him to miss his entire rookie season, the Cardinals can substantially improve their offensive line this season by drafting a new blindside protector to pair with him.

http://www.azcentral.com/sports/cardinals/articles/20140122qa-arizona-cardinals-coach-bruce-arians.html?nclick_check=1

21. Green Bay Packers - C.J. Mosley, LB, Alabama: Green Bay has needs across the board on defense, and their first round selection will ultimately be determined by which of their own free agents they are able to re-sign. Finding a playmaker on the defensive side of the ball is a must. C.J. Mosley would be the ideal compliment across from Clay Mathews that the Packers are looking for at OLB. After striking out with several collegiate defensive ends that they've tried to convert to OLB in their 3-4 defense, the Packers can try to go the other direction with an athletic linebacker who not only can pressure the passer, but drop into coverage and contain the edge as well, which was a huge liability for them in their NFC Divisional matchup against Colin Kaepernick and the 49ers. 

http://www.packersnews.com/videonetwork/3156332759001?nclick_check=1;
http://www.jsonline.com/sports/packers/packers-effort-to-move-mike-neal-might-be-all-for-naught-b99195800z1-243608511.html;
http://www.jsonline.com/sports/packers/packers-still-searching-for-clay-matthews-counterpart-b99190372z1-241767831.html

22. Philadelphia Eagles - Khalil Mack, OLB, Buffalo: If Khalil Mack slips in the draft due to character and locker room issues, he would be an ideal fit for an Eagles defense that is in desperate need of an impact player. WR could also be an option, but in this scenario the better value is in Mack.

http://www.nj.com/eagles/index.ssf/2014/01/2014_nfl_draft_prospects_is_khalil_mack_a_good_fit_with_the_eagles.html

23. Kansas City Chiefs - Kelvin Benjamin, WR, Florida State: The Chiefs could go in several different directions in this year's draft, whether it's S, CB, WR or TE. WR Kelvin Benjamin of Florida State is raw in terms of route running, blocking and discipline. However, his size, athletic ability and production last year are down right frightening. The question that remains is whether Kansas City is ready to take another chance at a high risk/high reward player at WR in the first round after the Jonathan Baldwin debacle?

http://www.kansascity.com/2014/01/12/4746838/early-nfl-draft-look-fsu-receiver.html;
http://www.kansascity.com/2014/02/06/4800841/draft-profile-southern-cals-marqise.html

24. Cincinnati Bengals - Darqueze Dennard, CB, Michigan State: On paper the Bengals look good at CB, but they are aging and injury prone. Leon Hall is coming off his second Achilles injury, and pro athletes aren't always lucky enough to even come back from one of those. Darqueze Dennard, the leader of Michigan State's top ranked defense, is a physical, lockdown CB who you can put on an island, which is a luxury/necessity as teams try to mimic the success of the Seattle Seahawks.

http://cincinnati.com/blogs/bengals/2014/02/04/scribe-session-2-4-14-dan-hoard-edition/

25. San Diego Chargers - Ra'Shede Hageman, DT/DE, Minnesota: With the versatility to excel at either DT in a 4-3 or DE in a 3-4, Ra'Shede Hageman could be the steal of the draft given the anonymity of the Golden Gopher's program. His presence opposite Corey Liuget in San Diego's 3-4 defense would give the Chargers a fearsome defensive line. OLB, CB and T could also be considerations depending on who might fall to the later part of the first round.

http://www.utsandiego.com/news/2014/feb/03/2014-nfl-mock-draft-chargers-third-round/

26. Cleveland Browns (from Indianapolis) - Davante Adams, WR, Fresno State: This is not necessarily where I would go if I was Cleveland, but Mel Kiper Jr., Todd McShay and Tony Grossi all agree on the position, if not the player. CB also has to be a strong consideration for the Browns as well.

https://twitter.com/TonyGrossi

27. New Orleans Saints - Loucheiz Purifoy, CB, Florida: With a need a CB, the Saints will have a plethora of options. Of the second tier CB's after Justin Gilbert and Darqueze Dennard, Loucheiz Purifoy has the biggest potential as a playmaker, which fits the the aggressive style of the Saints on defense.

http://www.nola.com/saints/index.ssf/2014/01/new_orleans_saints_chat_with_l_40.html

28. Carolina Panthers - Odell Beckham, Jr., WR, LSU: The Panthers need more explosion on offense, and Odell Beckham, Jr. of LSU would provide them just that, especially when paired opposite of veteran Steve Smith. Should Carolina elect to let Greg Hardy depart as a salary cap casualty instead of electing to use the franchise tag on him, DE could also be a consideration.

http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2014/01/18/4622224/carolina-panthers-are-ready-to.html#.UvfcJbTDUmI;
http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2014/01/27/4644649/carolina-panthers-gm-dave-gettleman.html#.UvfZkLTDUmI;
http://www.charlotteobserver.com/2014/02/06/4668595/next-steve-smith-for-carolina.html#.UvfXZLTDUmI 

29. New England Patriots - Calvin Pryor, S, Louisville: New England has lacked an elite safety that can both cover and play downhill since Rodney Harrison retired. Calvin Pryor of Louisville is a little raw, but he's very coachable and could become the hybrid S that NFL teams covet in Bill Belichick's defense.

http://bostonherald.com/sports/patriots_nfl/the_blitz/2014/02/how_can_the_patriots_find_their_own_kam_chancellor

30. San Francisco 49ers - Brandin Cooks, WR, Oregon State: The 49ers biggest obstacle to returning to the Super Bowl are their division rivals, the Seattle Seahawks. The best way to counteract Seattle's super-sized secondary is with quickness, and that's where a playmaker at slot receiver could help negate the Seahawk's size advantage and possibly even turn it into a liability.

http://www.insidebayarea.com/tim-kawakami/ci_25062005/kawakami-how-do-49ers-deal-seahawks

31. Denver Broncos - Dee Ford, OLB/DE, Auburn: Denver very may well have cost themselves a Super Bowl last season when they botched the Elvis Dumervil contract extension last season, especially when coupled with the loss of Von Miller. While the Broncos will get Miller back next season, they need another edge rusher to play opposite him, and Dee Ford of Auburn showed that ability by dominating the Senior Bowl. Help in the secondary will also be a consideration, but it looks as if star CB Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie is willing to return with what would be a team friendly contract.

http://www.denverpost.com/hochman/ci_25064016/hochman-pressure-is-john-elway-build-super-bowl

32. Seattle Seahawks - Antonio Richardson, OT, Tennessee: The Seahawks have very few weaknesses after winning the Super Bowl and still having plenty of room under the salary cap. DE Michael Bennett and WR Golden Tate could elect to leave via free agency, but both players have exhibited an interest in returning. That leaves offensive line as an area that the Seahawks could look to upgrade if their aren't any value bargains remaining at the end of the first round that the team can't afford to pass up.

http://blogs.seattletimes.com/seahawks/2014/02/05/the-blitz-thursday-live-chat/

The Bachelor Blog: "So I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants."

This week Juan Pablo and the girls traveled to Vietnam, where Kat showed us all her worldly side by saying, "It's kind of like Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?  He travels and we follow."

Renee was thrilled to get the 1-on1-Date that she had been coveting. "It's a really weird sensation that I haven't felt in a long time that kind of makes my palms hurt."

And while we all worry about Renee, the likable single mother in the house, once she builds up some calluses I'm sure she'll be just fine.

Renee got mixed signals on her date, earning a Rose, but not getting the first kiss with Juan Pablo that she'd been seeking.

That caused Renee to irrationally attempt to rationalize the situation. "If Juan Pablo doesn't kiss me tonight that's okay, it's okay," before she finally acknowledged, "It's not really okay."

Something tells me that Juan Pablo had Renee at "sweat drenched American Apparel t-shirt."

For the Group Date, Juan Pablo and the girls took Vietnamese teacup boat rides down a river.

Of course Clare, had nobody to partner up with, so she had to ride with Juan Pablo...Because nobody could see that coming.

Kelly reflected upon Clare taking every opportunity she could to get 1-on-1 time with Juan Pablo. "Can we hate her for that?"

She answered her own question when she matter of factly said, "I mean, we can."

And when Clare got the first alone time with Juan Pablo at the post Group Date cocktail party, Kelly sarcastically said, "Should we just take the Rose down there and give it to her?"

Sure enough, Juan Pablo took Clare to his suite and what seemed to be his private pool. That caused Clare to gush, "We keep ending up in the water in our bathing suits. I'm not mad at that."

However, Juan Pablo also took Sharleen to the beach, where they made out, and ditto for Andi.

And as he got ready to give out the Rose for the Group Date Juan Pablo said, "My conversations with all of you were really good." That is, except the remaining black girl, who he was yet to talk to.

Danielle Ronco: What do comic books have in common with D.C. Comics? D.C. Comics doesn't have any black girls either.

To nobody's surprise, Clare got the Group Date Rose. To nobody else's surprise, Andi got pissed when she got it.

While most girls would have been content just to get the rose, Clare went back to Juan Pablo's suite in the middle of the night to get him to swim in the ocean, because she's "never done that before."

However, when Clare said she'd "never done that before," she wasn't referring to making a 2 a.m. booty call, but rather the part about swimming in an ocean.

And while Juan Pablo went along with the idea, he almost immediately seemed to regret it saying, "We got a little wild too."

And by "wild," I think Juan Pablo meant to say that he might have let Clare Crawley squeeze his "Aye-yi-yi."

At first Nikki seemed happy to get the final 1-on-1 Date instead of going on the dreaded Group Date, before letting it slip that it was really all about the competition.

"I might not get the rose on a Group Date." She then immediately cut herself short by arrogantly adding, "That would be stupid, because I always do."

When Juan Pablo revealed to Nikki, who's afraid of heights, that they would be repelling down a cave that the locals affectionately refer to as "Hell," she sounded less than pleased.

"All I can do is picture myself plummeting to the bottom."

Of course, everyone watching at home was thinking the exact same thing, but only in a happy, wishful thinking kind of way.

Nikki went on to lay out her options. "So I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants," before she astutely added, "This is a lot like falling in love."

And while I'm no expert, that makes me think that Nikki Ferrell is probably not long term relationship material...That is, unless you're into that kind of thing. 

But apparently pooping herself wasn't even the the fatal flaw that she didn't want Juan Pablo to know about, as she warned him, "Don't ever talk to me in the morning (because) not everybody is sunshine and rainbows all the time."

And while Nikki was apparently talking about the Utopian holy trinity since she mentioned "Sunshine and rainbows," she sadly forgot the third prong, Camaros...She forgot to mention the fucking Camaros.

A lack of bitchin' muscle cars aside, Nikki still got a Rose for their 1-on-1 Date. 

At the Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony Juan Pablo diplomatically said, "It's hard, I'm liking these girls, and I don't know what I'm going to do."

But deep down inside he really knew what he was going to do. And if you're new to The Bachelor, I'll give you a hint...It rhymes with "send the black girl home."

While Juan Pablo had refrained from kissing Renee earlier in the episode out of respect for her being a single mother, he finally just attacked her mid-sentence before saying, "I wanted to kiss you three weeks ago!"

He then smacked his hands together in self approval of his actions, while Renee twirled around like a single mom who hadn't kissed a hot guy in eight years...Or Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire.

The look on Renee's Oteri's face as she realized Juan Pablo was going in for their first kiss was priceless.

Juan Pablo clearly felt bad for letting Clare give him a hand-job in the ocean, even going so far as to pull her aside and tell her "It was a little weird for me."

And after Juan Pablo took a shit in Clare's Easter basket, he actually had the nerve to ask her, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

All in all, Juan Pablo's strategy was an act of man genius, as only in this setting could a guy hook up with a girl, completely blow her off the next day, and still be looked at by women across the country as a "gentleman" who was just doing "the right thing." 

Clare continued to maintain that their ocean romp was mutual by saying, "If he didn't think it was right, he shouldn't have done it."
Unfortunately for Clare, when a man seduces you and he blows you off, it's shame on him. But when you seduce a man and then he blows you off, it's shame on you.

It's really all just about who took the risk in initiating the underwater hand-job on national TV...Everyone knows that.

When Clare returned to the Cocktail Party crying, she lied and told the other girls, "My allergies are awful," much to everyone's delight.

And while Clare's long term fate had likely been sealed, she still had the Group Date Rose.

So with Clare safe for at least this week, Juan Pablo also sent Alli and Kelly home.

And while it was sad to see Kelly, the pug nosed dog girl go because she had the most snarky one-liners in the house, at least she'll be able to go someplace with lots of land where she'll be able to run free without a leash.

Pug nosed Kelly Travis: And like all other girls who love dogs way too much, maybe she can resolve the issues she has about the relative who sexually assaulted her when she was a kid.

Super Bowl XLVIII Prediction: Because Super Bowl XLVIII will be bigger than Pam Oliver's ass!

With teams from the two states to legalize weed competing in the Super Bowl, we are about to embark upon a stoner's dream in East Rutherford, New Jersey this week, aptly being called by some, "The Smoke-a-Bowl."

There are so many questions to debate before finally making my predictions for Super Bowl XLVIII.

With Mike Ditka saying that a cold weather outdoor game is "a big mistake" and "stupid," will New York be able to handle any bad weather and play football as it was meant to be played on any other playoff weekend?

Or will an entire city abandon their cars in the middle of the highway and run like they do in the South after a light dusting of snow or the rumor of an approaching northern battalion?

After cornering the market on television commercials, will Peyton Manning continue to find a way to revolutionize the sports marketing industry by finding new ways to earn endorsements while the game is going on?

And you thought Omaha Steaks were the next natural endorsement deal for Peyton Manning!

And what will be bigger, the halftime show by Bruno Mars, or Pam Oliver's ass?

The lost member of the Jackson 5, Bruno Mars is playing the Super Bowl Halftime Show

Super Bowl XLVIII will be bigger than Pam Oliver's ass! Well...maybe not quite THAT big.

Fortunately, in order to counteract all of that excitement Fox is having Joe Buck and Troy Aikman call the game.

In any event, let's break down the match-ups for Super Bowl 48.

Quarterbacks - As much as I hate to admit it, Denver has the best quarterback of all time in Peyton Manning.

Nobody has ever had the mix of talent, command of his offenses, and ability to read defenses that Manning has.

And as much as I dislike Peyton, there's something about his brother Eli having one more Super Bowl ring than he does that kind of makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

With his in depth attention to detail and film study, Russell Wilson is described by some of his NFL peers to be the most prepared quarterback to come into the league since Peyton Manning himself.

Still, for all of his upside, Russell Wilson is not Peyton Manning, at least not yet.

Advantage - Denver.

Receivers - It's probably time that we give some consideration to the current Denver Broncos receiving corps as possibly being one of the best groups ever in the NFL. 

Demaryius Thomas is one of the best all around receivers in the game, Wes Welker has revolutionized the slot receiver position, and Eric Decker's size and strength make him a nightmare to defend opposite Thomas, who just might be the best tight end in football.

Throw in a ridiculously athletic tight end like Julius Thomas for a QB like Peyton Manning, and it's almost unfair to opposing defenses...Actually, it is unfair to opposing defenses.

On the other hand, Seattle has a bunch of turds and Percy Harvin...And that's only when he's not on his period. I mean seriously, is there a less reliable player in the NFL than Percy Harvin?

Advantage - Denver.

Running Game - Sure, Marshawn Lynch might accidentally slip into "Beast Mode" from time to time when he's trying to drive home from the bar, but when he's in "Beast Mode" on the field, few defenses can stop Seattle's power running game.

Denver's running attack is also strong with Knowshon Moreno and Montee Ball, but Ball's hands and ball security have been an issue at times, and could to prove to be a liability should John Fox decide to trust him with any extended role in the Super Bowl.

Advantage - Seattle.

Pass Protection - Seattle's offensive line is an asset in both pass protection and the running game, while Peyton Manning's veteran savvy and quick release have helped the Broncos overcome a season ending injury to All-Pro LT Ryan Clady that at the time seemed devastating.

Advantage: Seattle.
 

Retro Commercial Break: Dennis Hopper's iconic Nike ad campaign as "Stanley the Referee."

Pass Rush - Could there be a bigger front office/agent blunder than the Broncos failing to finalize a deal with former pass rush star Elvis Dumervil before last season's free agent deadline?

There's more than and realistic chance that mistake could even cost the Broncos a Super Bowl, especially with Von Miller's legal problems and season ending injury.

That's something I would have expected from Josh McDaniels and Brian Xanders, not John Elway. Then again, on second thought...

Seattle can throw speed rushers Bruce Irvin and Cliff Avril at Denver, which is slightly better than anything Denver has to offer.

Advantage: Seattle.

Run Defense - Seattle's defensive line is built to stop the run with an extremely bulky left end in Red Bryant.

Denver's run defense is based more upon their speedy linebackers, but that could be a match-up problem against a powerful runner like Marshawn Lynch.

Advantage: Seattle.

Pass Defense - Despite the controversy, we'll get to see the best cornerback in the game play on Sunday, and I'm not talking about Richard Sherman.

I'm talking about Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and his threat to retire after just five NFL seasons should the Broncos win the Super Bowl.

Quentin Jammer and Champ Bailey may be old, but their veteran savvy should be enough to counteract the lackluster receivers that they'll be facing for the Seahawks.

As for Richard Sherman, the only way he'll be able to stay with Demaryius Thomas is with help from the safety over the top, and that's a recipe for disaster for Seattle, considering that they'd be forced into single coverage on Wes Welker, Eric Decker and/or Julius Thomas...It's just a matter of the Seahawks picking their poison.

When it comes to Peyton Manning and Richard Sherman, the advantage goes to Manning.

Advantage: Seattle.

Special Teams - Trindon Holliday is an electric return man, while Matt Prater is a fantastic outdoor kicker should the need arise.

Advantage: Denver.

Key Players - Peyton Manning, Wes Welker, Julius Thomas, Demaryius Thomas, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Trindon Holliday, Marshawn Lynch, Percy Harvin, Richard Sherman, Earl Thomas, Bruce Irvin.

Intangibles - The Seahawks aren't the same team away from home, while Peyton Manning is still Peyton Manning no matter where he plays.

MVP Prediction - Peyton Manning.

At the end of Super Bowl Sunday, Peyton Manning will be the one who's "Going to Disney World!"

Final Predictions:

Denver 31 - Seattle 24
Denver -2 over Seattle
Over 47.5

The Bachelor Blog - "I kind of want to crap my pants"

This week's episode of The Bachelor began with with the announcement that the girls would be packing up and traveling to South Korea, where Juan Pablo would forced to explain reality TV to government officials or risk the execution of his family.

Oh wait, that's North Korea.

Things kicked off with a Group Date focused around 2NE1 (pronounced "twenty-one"), a K-Pop (Korean pop) group that can probably be best described as The Spice Girls meets Hello Kitty meets the Pussy Cat Dolls, all in a mall inspired concert inspired by Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.

So in other words, the K-Pop as a genre pretty much just represents every awkward teenage boy's wet dream all rolled up into one this side of Alyssa Milano.

Nikki was upset to learn that she would be going on the first Group Date of the week instead of the 1-on-1 Date that she was seeking.

However, she said, "I'm not going to like pout and throw a giant fit like I kind of want to do," which ironically, is exactly what she went on to do.

She went on to say, "It's weird for me, you know I don't have sisters at home, and I don't have to share a lot of things at home."

The only thing Nikki Ferrell forgot to mention was the part where she's an aspiring model...and that she doesn't have any friends back at home either.

And when she found out that she'd be dancing onstage with a girl-group Nikki could only say, "This is my worst nightmare...I kind of want to crap my pants."

Unlike Nikki, Kat, the former Phoenix Sun dancer, was absolutely ecstatic for the opportunity to crap her pants in front of thousands of screaming teens if it gave her a chance to show off the fact that she used to fuck mediocre NBA players.

Wait, what's that? Cassandra Ferguson is the ex-cheerleader who used to fuck NBA players? And who is Kat Hurd, and why is she wearing two bras?

Meanwhile, after dancing to a Korean girl pop group, Nikki referred to herself a "hip-hop star," as Vanilla Ice turned over in his grave somewhere in south Florida.

Juan Pablo then took the girls to the Korea Furniture Museum, not understanding that all women love IKEA, not IKOREA.

On the Group Date, bitches be hatin' on Nikki for trying to manipulate Juan Pablo's time, but it paid off when she got some precious alone time with him.

And when Juan Pablo asked Nikki, "How do you feel about Camilla," she said, "I'd love to meet her...I'm a great diaper changer," apparently not realizing that Camilla is four, not two.

The 1-on-1 Date went to Sharleen, who Juan Pablo referred to as, "My favorite one right now."

However, the jury was still out about whether Sharleen even liked Juan Pablo, was just trying to advance her career as an opera singer, just wanted to screw him, or all the above.

However, as the date went on Sharleen seemed impressed that Juan Pablo was "not bland," noting how he was "cheeky" and a bit of a "smart ass."

And while being called "not bland" isn't exactly a vote of confidence, when a girl tells you that you're a "smart ass" you're probably doing something right.

When Sharleen went on to say, "He is curious about the world, about other lifestyles,"she obviously meant to add, "with the exception of homosexuals."

Things got interesting when Juan Pablo asked Sharleen to show him a little something-something at the end of their date.

And while she acted as if she was reluctant, you could tell she wanted to. "Mister, this is our first real date, it takes a while for me to feel comfortable with someone to just sort of...Close your eyes."

Then, after 30 seconds and several high pitched shrills, Sharleen was done singing opera for Juan Pablo.

Sharleen Joynt then went in aggressive for some aggressively sloppy kissing with Juan Pablo.

Sharleen then went on tell Juan Pablo that she hated living in Germany initially because nobody there could speak English, and that she once had a relationship with a guy that didn't go very well because she couldn't handle the fact that he had a four year old daughter with another woman.

And after confirming that Sharleen probably wasn't the right girl for him or his own four-year-old daughter, Juan Pablo gave her a rose because he appreciated her honesty...And her pipes.

The second Group Date involved a simple stroll around the city of Seoul to explore its local culture. 

Juan Pablo's "smart ass" side came back out when Clare randomly complained about the possibility of having to eat octopus.

"Clare is great, she says, please tell me we're not going to eat octopus....Uhhh...You just made the worst mistake of your life," as Juan Pablo forced the girls to all try

However, Kelly T. was less than impressed with Clare's antics as she protested eating her octopus testicle to get attention.  "Her piece was literally this big, and I know you've swallowed bigger things than that."

Kelly Travis and friend Lindsay Larson...I've always wanted a Bud Light penis.

The pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party probably would have been more dramatic, only Juan Pablo started getting stingy about who he would kiss, making it pretty obvious which girls he thought had STD's...And still didn't care.

Sure enough, Lauren S. got denied when she tried to kiss Juan Pablo, who told her "Sorry" when she asked him for "un beso" (a kiss), under the guise that he didn't want his daughter Camilla see him kiss girls that he didn't think were pretty. 

On the other hand, when Clare was asked, "Are you going to try and kiss him," she replied, "Oh, I'm not going to try and kiss him."

But first, she had to set the mood just right, telling Juan Pablo, "Oh my God, I ate octopus! Do you know what happened? I threw up in my mouth."

Of course, Juan Pablo was still on his no kiss policy, but Clare wisely countered that by reminding him that she had instituted a "no kiss" policy of her own just one week earlier.

And through the power of double negatives, Juan Pablo realized that he was obligated to kiss Clare, even though he didn't want to.

At the Rose Ceremony, Juan Pablo elected not to give a rose to Lauren or Elise.

That allowed Elise Mosca to go back to being "The Jersey Whore" as "The Situation's" long standing booty call. Wait, has Snooki already trademarked that phrase?

And as she left, Elise tried to justify her departure saying, "Do you know what? My mom didn't want me to be around such negative and ugly people."

Of course, Elise Mosca's mom was just a whore too.