2014 NASCAR Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Racin'

The 2014 NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this week, beginning with the sports biggest race of the year. And then after the Nationwide Series 300 Mile Race at Daytona Speedway comes the Daytona 500!

I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from picking up a limited edition hunting case of Busch beer that comes in the orange cans, Googling "Danica Patrick naked," and predicting the 2014 Sprint Cup results.

ASSCAR - The Ballad of Ricky's Boobies," starring Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.

The big change for the upcoming NASCAR season involves a modification to the rules regarding who qualifies for the Chase for the Sprint Cup that will reward actual race winners and minimize the importance of non-relevant factors such as laps lead and the number of times that a driver has slept with Emily Maynard.

Due to the success of their Truck Series, NASCAR will be teaming with John Deere to launch a new series aimed at a slightly less educated audience.

Say what you want about NASCAR, but there's no doubting the positive economic impact it brings to communities like Daytona Beach when over 100,000 rabid fans come to town a couple of weekends a year just to watch the races.

"Excuse me boy, can you tell us on what aisle we can find the Busch Light in them orange huntin' themed cans?"

With that said, how will this season play out? Let's take a look!

POLE POSITION

(Who the Top 10 finishers in the 2014 Sprint Cup will be, and why)

10. Darrell Wallace, Jr. - As part of their "Race for Diversity" program, NASCAR will not only be trying to lure rapper 50 Cent back to this year's Daytona 500, but they'll actually be pushing a young and upcoming African-American driver this year. 

And if they're serious about remedying their history of discrimination, they'll employ some affirmative action and give Darrell Wallace, Jr. a slight advantage over the other drivers when it comes to his car. 

That way Wallace can play the role of a wresting heel, making black power speeches to the angry crowds every time he wins, and telling all the other drivers how much their wives and girlfriends want him to generate ratings.

9. Tony Stewart - Tony Stewart is no stranger to overcoming adversity. This year the question he will have to address is whether or not he can recover from a relatively routine leg injury and still be able to push down on the gas pedal and turn left the same way that he used to.

If Dick Trickle (R.I.P.) could race while smoking, I'm pretty sure that Tony Stewart can come back from a broken leg.

8. Richard Petty - Apparently Richard Petty is still alive, and he's none too happy about what a woman like Danica Patrick is doing to his "sport," even if driving in NASCAR requires absolutely no athletic ability whatsoever.

But "The King" wants you to know that he isn't sexist, and if you don't believe it, he has definitive proof to show that he's not:

"It was definitely not sexist, OK? Hey look, I've been married 55 years to the same woman. So I am not a sexist by any ways. I love women."

In any event, if Petty really does at the very least see the marketing opportunities for NASCAR that women like Danica Patrick have to offer, I see the opportunity for a comeback and the South's version of Bobby Riggs vs. Billie Jean King, with the winner getting the rights to Petty's old STP car.

7. Clint Bowyer - Confirming the argument that NASCAR drivers are not even remotely close to being athletes, Clint Bowyer noted how he doesn't work out at the gym because, and I quote, "Those weights are heavy," which is probably why they're called "weights."

Boyer made news a few years back by asking a foreign reporter if they had rednecks in Europe after talking about how he was going to "Redneck it up" after a big win.

After the confused reporter got Bowyer's definition of what a redneck was, he responded by saying that Germany had people like that "up north," but they were considered less intelligent than the people in the rest of his country.

That caused Bowyer to exclaim, "That's us!"

On the serious side, Boyer is the driver who intentionally spun his car out at the end of last season to help a teammate finish in line for "The Chase for the Sprint Cup," which pretty much defines everything that's wrong with NASCAR.

When a mediocre player can impact your sport's playoff participants simply by taking a dive, and your sport's Commissioner has to retroactively re-do your playoff brackets without any formal rules or precedent to support his decision...Well, that's the sign of a really crappy fantasy football league, not a multi-billion dollar industry.

6. Austin Dillon - Team owner Richard Childress giving NASCAR's sacred #3 to his rookie grandson Austin Dillon is kind of like giving Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s car to his kid. Sure, nobody wants to see either of them starve to death, but at least limit their jobs to something behind the scenes where the nepotism is a little less visible. 

I'm not saying that Autin Dillon and his Charlie 1 Horse cowboy hats are going to rub people the wrong way, but getting his ride and plush #3 from his granddaddy are gonna make him NASCAR's newest villain in the eyes of many Dale Earnhardt Sr. fans.

5. Jeff Gordon - Everybody is making a big deal about gay athletes coming out, yet nobody ever mentions Jeff Gordon as NASCAR's gay ambassador as "The Rainbow Warrior."

Jeff Gordon flag: You can ban gays in the South, but can't take the South out of the gays.

4. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - With NASCAR's new rules for qualifying for The Chase to the Sprint Cup favoring drivers who actually win races, it looks like it will be another disappointing year for Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Jr.

At this point, I don't think there's anything you could tell me about the stupidity of a NASCAR fan that would shock me...In fact, I heard that upon seeing this Dale Jr. six-pack tattoo, Brad Keselowski was so desperate for a beer that he even tried to drink one of them.

3. Jimmie Johnson - As somebody who's into nutrition and has ran a marathon the last few years before kicking off the Daytona 500, Jimmie Johnson is the opposite of Clint Boyer and Tony Stewart. Sure a woman beat him in the marathon, but that will just help prepare him for this year's Sprint Cup standings.

If you pee on the home pregnancy test stick and numbers appear on your stomach, it means you got knocked up by a NASCAR driver.

Unfortunately, they all come out looking like Emily Maynard's retarded kid, lil' Ricki.

2. Brad Keselowski - The best thing about Brad Keselowski having Miller Light as his sponsor is that he's no stranger to drinking their stupid juice and talking to the press even though his family, his race team, and NASCAR's President have all commanded him not to.

Indy drivers drink a bottle of milk after winning the Indy 500, NASCAR drivers like Brad Keselowski slam pitchers of beer...That seems about right.

1. Danica Patrick -This whole Richard Petty thing may be just the spark that Danica Patrick and Tony Stewart needed to finally sync their menses and dominate NASCAR for the next decade. And in an encouraging sign, they both blew engines during their Daytona 500 qualifying runs.

Speaking of which, Danica's run as the Go Daddy girl is getting a bit old. Can't we find her some a better sponsorship fit like IKEA, Tampax, or KY Jelly?

Richard Petty is entitled to his own opinion, but I think Danica Patrick has more than proven that there isn't anything that a guy can to do on the track that she can't.

And last but not least, if this isn't an annual tradition to kick of the NASCAR season, it should be!

This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or for that matter, any evangelical church.