2015 Post Super Bowl NFL Mock Draft

Here is my Post Super Bowl 2015 NFL Mock Draft. It will be followed by regular updates up until the NFL Draft on April 30th.

My mock draft has been linked by The Football Fan Spot, Sports Jabber, DC Pro Sports Report, Walter Football, FF Toolbox, hailRedskins.com, The Football Expert, Fantasy Football Help Desk, The Huddle Report, Niners Nation, EDS Football, NFL Mock Draft Central and NFL Pro Zach in their Mock Draft Databases.

1st Round

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Jameis Winston, QB, Florida State:

Should the Buccaneers play it safe with Marcus Mariota, or go with the more talented Jameis Winston?

Tampa Bay has their choice between the consensus top two quarterbacks in the draft. Coming from a pro-style offense and possessing the stronger arm, Jameis Winston has the edge between the sidelines. With higher character and better decision making on and off the field, Marcus Mariota has the edge between the ear holes. When in doubt, NFL GM's selecting at the top of the draft typically go with the stronger arm.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (projected trade with Tennessee) – Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon:

Will the Titans trade out of the No. 2 spot?

There's no question that Chip Kelly would like to have a mobile quarterback like Marcus Mariota to run his full offensive system. Now that he has a greater say in the Eagles' personnel decisions, he has the power and the luxury to make a move and get his guy.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars – Randy Gregory, DE, Nebraska: 

Which top DE will the Jaguars select in the 1st Round?

With multiple teams vying for position to select one of the top two quarterbacks, things line up perfectly for the Jaguars to either trade out of the No. 3 spot for more picks, or select the best non-QB in this year's draft. Randy Gregory of Nebraska is the draft's best outside pass rusher, which gives him greater value to Jacksonville than Leonard Williams of USC, who while being the more complete player, is less of a playmaker.

4. Oakland Raiders - Amari Cooper, WR, Alabama: 

Does anyone in the Raiders' front office even know when the draft is? 

The Raiders began the slow process of trying to build a nucleus for the future through last year's draft, but still lack a competent GM to follow through with that plan. Not only was Amari Cooper college football's best receiver last season, but Derek Carr and the Raiders desperately need an elite go-to receiver. If Cooper even comes close to delivering on his promise to run a sub 4.4 forty yard dash at the Scouting Combine, he'll easily propel himself into the top five. The only question is whether Reggie McKenzie is smart enough to select him. 

5. Washington Pigskins - Leonard Williams, DE, USC:

Which top pass rusher will fall to the Pigskins?

An ideal fit at the 5-technique in a 3-4 defense, Leonard Williams of USC would give the Pigskins a dual threat as a run stuffer as well as a pass rusher in the mold of J.J. Watt. And while this pick might seem like a no-brainer, Pigskin fans probably won't rest until the team officially passes on Bryce Petty. 

6. New York Jets – Shane Ray, OLB/DE, Missouri: 

Will the Jets draft a quarterback in the 1st Round?

While the Jets need to find a quarterback before the franchise goes anywhere in the future, the team could be on the outside of the QB lottery looking in at the 6th overall pick. That means the team will either have to decide whether to trade up in the first round, or do their due diligence on potential second round signal callers. Given the Jets' history in selecting QB's, a pass rusher Shane Ray of Missouri might be the safest option.

7. Chicago Bears – Danny Shelton, DT, Washington: 

How will the Bears stock their new 3-4 defense?

As the Bears transition to a 3-4 defensive scheme, they'll be looking to add a prototypical 3-4 nose tackle as an anchor. Weighing in at over 340 pounds, Danny Shelton of Washington looks absolutely awful to the eye, but is surprisingly agile as a pass rusher on tape in addition to being able to clog the run. The only question that remains is whether Shelton has the stamina to be a three down player and justify a team like the Bears using a top ten pick on him.

8. Atlanta Falcons – Dante Fowler, Jr., OLB, Florida: 

Will the Falcons address their pass rush, or their secondary?

If there's a team with a bigger need at pass rusher than the Falcons heading into this season, it was the Falcons heading into last season. Atlanta is still in desperate need for a playmaker who can put some much needed heat on opposing quarterbacks while taking some off of their own secondary. New coach Dan Quinn is said to be a high on Dante Fowler, Jr. from their time together at Florida, and for good reason, considering Fowler’s ability to close on opposing passers.

9. New York Giants – Landon Collins, S, Alabama: 

Will the Giants take an offensive lineman, or will they address their defense?

The Giants are in the market for help at offensive tackle, but with a weak draft class at that position, they may be better off addressing that need through free agency or in the 2nd round. Of their other options, Landon Collins of Alabama is more worthy of a top ten pick, and would give the G-men a serious presence at safety.

10. St. Louis Rams – Brandon Scherff, OT, Iowa: 

Are the Rams looking for a quarterback?

With Sam Bradford's future in question, the Rams have big needs at both quarterback and on the interior of their offensive line. With the 10th pick, Brandon Scherff of Iowa could be a plug and play starter at either tackle or guard, which would give the team some versatility as last year's top pick Greg Robinson tries to find a home.

11. Minnesota Vikings – DeVante Parker, WR, Louisville: 

Should the Vikings draft another WR?

While the Vikings have invested big money in free agent signee Greg Jennings and 1st round draft pick in Cordarrelle Patterson, neither has produced like a true No. 1 wide receiver. If Rick Spielman and the Vikings think that Teddy Bridgewater is their long term option at quarterback, the team almost has no choice but to give him the weapons he need while he is in his developmental stage.

12. Cleveland Browns – Eddie Goldman, DT, Florida State: 

Should Cleveland address their offense or defense with their first pick?

Leave it to the Browns to find a potential steal in wide receiver Josh Gordon, who not only let the team down, but possibly took their franchise quarterback of the future down along with him. While Cleveland obviously has huge holes to fill at both quarterback and receiver, the team may be better served concentrating on shutting down the run on defense to compliment their run game on offense. Run stuffing defensive lineman Eddie Goldman of Florida State would be a step in the right direction.

13. New Orleans Saints - Vic Beasley, OLB, Clemson:

How should the Saints improve their defense?

Vic Beasley of Clemson is a bit undersized as pass rusher for a conventional 4-3 defensive, and is probably better suited to be a three down player in a 3-4 scheme if he can make the transition to dropping into coverage. Assuming he can do so, Beasley would be an ideal fit in New Orleans as Rob Ryan and the Saints continue to transition towards more of a hybrid/3-4 defense.

14. Miami Dolphins – Shaq Thompson, LB, Washington: 

Where can the Dolphins best improve their defense?

Linebacker may not be a need if Dion Jordan is still in the Dolphins' plans, but at this point Miami seems to have given up on him, and rightfully so. Shaq Thompson may not have a true position entering the draft, having played defensive end, linebacker, safety and running back at the University of Washington, but he's a football player who projects as a much needed playmaker who can play in coverage in a division where the Dolphins will be facing Rob Gronkowski and the Patriots twice a year.
 
15. San Francisco 49ers – Kevin White, WR, West Virginia: 

Which WR will the 49'ers target?

Wide receiver and cornerback are the team's two biggest needs. Kevin White of West Virginia may be a bit raw when it comes to running routes, but he has the elite size, speed and ball skills to make him a much needed go-to receiver in the 49'ers offense.  

16. Houston Texans - Trae Waynes, CB, Michigan State:

Which position on defense will the Texans need to address after free agency?

The Texans are facing potential losses through free agency at nearly every position on defense. Trae Waynes, who has press man skills coming out of and leading Michigan State's heralded "No Fly Zone" defense, would be a perfect addition to Houston’s secondary.

17. San Diego Chargers – Ereck Flowers, OT, Miami:

How long should the Chargers wait to draft a running back?

The Chargers could use an upgrade on both their offensive and defensive lines, as well as at running back. When your quarterback is Phillip Rivers and he finished last season injured, offensive line gets first dibs. Ereck Flowers of Miami projects as a solid, if not elite tackle at the NFL level.

18. Kansas City Chiefs – Dorial Green-Beckham, WR, Oklahoma: 

Can the Chiefs finally find a true No. 1 WR?

If you're reading this, the Chiefs probably haven't had a reliable go-to wide receiver in your lifetime. While Dorial Green-Beckham may have some character concerns, Andy Reid and the Chiefs are one of the few teams that could provide him with a good environment as the talented young receiver tries to adapt to the league.

19. Cleveland Browns – Devin Funchess, TE, Michigan: 

How will the Browns replace Josh Gordon?

If the Browns had any intention on relying on Josh Gordon for the upcoming season, those plans were wiped out when he was suspended for the 2015 season due to yet another NFL drug policy violation. Worse yet, up and coming young tight end Jordan Cameron seems intent on getting the hell out of town as quickly as possible. Devin Funchess of Michigan is probably more of a wide receiver than he is a tight end, but would give the Browns a much needed go-to receiver no matter what position they decide to use him at, and at tight end, he'd be a match-up nightmare.

20. Tennessee Titans (projected trade with Philadelphia) – Bud Dupree, OLB, Kentucky: 

What position is the most important addition to Tennessee's 3-4 defense?

With Ken Whisenhunt bringing in Hall of Famer Dick LeBeau to put the finishing touches on the Titans 3-4 defense, it only makes sense to give him the tools he needs to make it work. Bud Dupree of Kentucky is the type of hybrid DE/OLB that LeBeau made so many stars out of during his long tenure with the Steelers.
 
21. Cincinnati Bengals - Arik Armstead, DE, Oregon:

Should the Bengals target their offensive or defensive line in the first round?

The Bengals could use help with their pass rush, and a three down defensive end like Arik Armstead of Oregon who can hold the edge against the run in addition to getting to the passer would be an ideal fit. The only question about Armstead is whether he can actually get to the passer.

22. Pittsburgh Steelers - Marcus Peters, CB, Washington:

Should the Steelers address their secondary, or their front seven first?

Despite some character concerns, Marcus Peters might be the most talented pure cornerback in the draft. And while the Steelers have a reputation for only drafting “character” players, that all seems to be B.S. in light of the team sticking with Ben Roethlisberger and Art Rooney’s statements in support of Roger Goodell during the Ray Rice scandal.

23. Detroit Lions - Malcom Brown, DT, Texas:

How will the Lions address their issues at DT?

Even if the Lions are able to re-sign Ndamukong Suh, they'll be hard pressed to sign fellow free agent defensive tackles Nick Fairley and C.J. Mosley. Run stuffer Malcom Brown of Texas would be an ideal complement if he were to play next to Suh, and a decent starting point in the event that Suh leaves.

24. Arizona Cardinals - Jalen Collins, CB, LSU:

Will CB be a need for the Cardinals?

Cornerback Antonio Cromartie seems destined to leave the Cardinals for more money in free agency. If that happens, Arizona could look to fill the hole his departure would create in their secondary with Jalen Collins, a LSU corner whom they could pair with fellow Tigers, Patrick Peterson and Tyrann Mathieu.

25. Carolina Panthers - Andrus Peat, OT, Stanford:

What is the Panthers' biggest need, WR, DE, or OT?

The Panthers did their best to tread water at left tackle last season after Jordan Gross retired. If Carolina can get their hands on a top LT like Andrus Peat at the 25th pick, they'd be more than happy. Another threat at wide receiver should also be a consideration, but that need could be addressed elsewhere, possibly through free agency.

26. Baltimore Ravens - Maxx Williams, TE, Minnesota:

Will a TE be the best available player on Ozzie Newsome's board?

If it seems like the Ravens have been searching for a go to tight end since Shannon Sharpe left, it's because they have. Worse yet, Joe Flacco desperately needs that type of security blanket to help him evolve beyond being just an average quarterback. A big and athletic tight end like Maxx Williams of Minnesota would solve that problem, the only problem is GM Ozzie Newsome takes a "best player available" approach to the draft, Williams could be considered a reach by some at the No. 26 spot.

27. Dallas Cowboys - Jordan Phillips, DT, Oklahoma:

Should the Cowboys draft a DT, an OLB, or a DE in the first round?

Dallas has needs across the board on defense, perhaps none more glaring than an interior run stopper. Jordan Phillips of Oklahoma is talented but raw, which could mean Rod Marinelli putting his reputation as a talent developer and “leader of men” on the line in the event the Cowboys select him.

Then again, if rumors of the rumored to be released Dez Bryant video are true, the Cowboy may have to go with a wide receiver and let Dez walk.

28. Denver Broncos - T.J. Clemmings, OT, Pitt:

How will the Broncos get Peyton Manning a Super Bowl trophy?

If Peyton Manning is going to come back for one last run at a Super Bowl, the Broncos might as well go all in and make sure that he’s taken care of. Tackle T.J. Clemmings of Pittsburgh would give Manning and the Broncos some additional security when it comes to pass protection, as well as a much needed boost in their run game.

29. Indianapolis Colts - Melvin Gordon, RB, Wisconsin:

Are the Colts ready to move on from Trent Richardson?

While they won’t publicly admit it, at least the Colts are no longer denying that their trade for Trent Richardson was a bust, and admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery. Melvin Gordon of Wisconsin was not only one of the best work-horse backs in college, but he would also give Andrew Luck and the Colts an explosive threat out of the backfield that would only further open up their offense. 

30. Green Bay Packers - Benardrick McKinney, WR, Mississippi State:

How do the Packers improve their defense the quickest?

Things got so bad for the Packers on defense last year that the team had to move Clay Matthews from OLB to ILB on running downs. While Matthews did a fantastic job, he’s better suited, and probably happier, playing on the outside. Benardrick McKinney of Mississippi State is not only a beast inside, but many project him as an elite pass rusher as an outside linebacker in a 3-4 system, which means he could also give Green Bay some much needed juice on passing downs. 

31. Seattle Seahawks - Jaelen Strong, WR, Arizona State:

Is the Seahawks biggest need at WR or CB?

Despite making the Super Bowl, you could make the argument that Seattle’s starting wide receivers might not have even made the roster for many NFL teams. At 6-foot-4 and 205 pounds, Jaelen Strong of Arizona State would give Russell Wilson and the Seahawks a big target that they haven’t seen since Sidney Rice, not that Seattle fans ever saw much from him. 

32. New England Patriots - Sammie Coates, WR, Auburn:

Would the Patriots actually use a first round pick on a WR?

The Patriots’ most pressing need, aside from a good PR man for Bill Belichick, is at wide receiver. While the Patriots have not looked to the first round of the draft for a WR since the Chad Jackson debacle, Sammie Coates has a deep ball skill set that reminds some of Randy Moss, which is exactly what Tom Brady and New England could use.

The Bachelor Blog - "Isn't my story amazing?"

This week began with Chris and girls packing up and moving on from Los Angeles to luxurious Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Megan seemed the happiest to be going, although she was either misinformed about where they were going, or she missed all of high school.

"I've never been to Sante Fe...It's like a beach resort place...You know the hats, the sombreros that everyone wears in Mexico? I don't know if they wear those in New Mexico...I'm so excited, I've never been out of the country.

Personally, I'm going with Megan Bell having missed all of high school, or at least having celebrated her 21st birthday at a Mexican restaurant. 

The first 1-on-1 Date was awarded to Carly in the form of a card that read, "Carly, let's cum together - Chris." 

Chris actually took Carly to meet with a love guru, which was basically a very thinly veiled invitation for her to have a threesome...Or at the very least, to allow a random hippie who was way too into the two of them watch them get intimate.

Sure enough, the guru prompted Carly to Chris to put on blindfolds and start breathing heavily while taking off each other's clothing under the guise of "removing masks" as she touched herself while watching.

At first Carly seemed like she was going to be into it telling Chris, "I haven't physically shed my clothes for anyone in a long time, so keep that in mind."

However, Carly seemed to remember that she had the option to say "no" in the nick of time, as Carly backed off and said, "This is the worst date of my life...I'm really, really uncomfortable."

And even though she refused to touch Chris' junk, Carly still got a rose for telling him that her prior boyfriend refused to touch her intimately, apparently giving them something in common to bond over.

The Group Date consisted of a white water rafting trip down the beaches of Cancun, or at least that's what everyone told Megan.

Amazingly, Jordan, the drunk girl who got eliminated after week two "magically" found Chris and the girls as they returned back to the hotel lobby.

Sure enough, Chris decided to give her a second chance, and explained his decision to the other girls by walking her out while holding her hand...Which obviously went over well with everyone.

However, despite creating the whole mess by letting Jordan stick around, Chris still came across as the good guy when he sent her home before the the Rose Ceremony, much to the delight of the other girls.

The Final 1-on-1 Date went to Britt, who apparently had developed quite a reputation around the other girls for having yet to shower over the two weeks that she'd been on the show.

But when Britt was handed a date card that read, "The Sky's the limit," it caused her to have a meltdown on the spot because she was afraid of heights.

However, Britt seemed relieved when Chris awoke her at 4:30 in the morning...as she was in full make-up, to take her on a hot air balloon ride.

Sure enough, Chris took Britt Nilsson back to his room to conclude the date, where she apparently passed the smell test.

Not long after Britt left, Kelsey snuck up to Chris' room to tell him that her husband had died on her in the past year, and then followed that up by making out with him.

Kelsey, who once seemed like the only sweet girl in the house, gloated to the camera by asking, "Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's A-mazing. I love my story," before declaring, "Hell yes I'm getting a rose tonight! Stay tuned, Monday nights at 8, the love story unveiled!"

And at that that point it became obvious to America that Kelsey Poe was only a widow because she killed her ex husband. 

However, when Chris came to the Cocktail Party, he announced that his conversation with Kelsey had hit him hard, and he asked to step out, which seemed to leave Kelsey both overly confident and nervous at the same time.

And when Chris Harrison came back and announced that they would be going straight to the Rose Ceremony, Kelsey ran off to have a panic attack in the hallway, or at least permissibly pee herself under the guise of having a seizure.

Worst of all, after committing two hours of our time into this bullshit, the episode left off....

The Bachelor Blog - "Her mouth is not a virgin"

This week marked the fourth episode of this Ashley I. the Virgin...I mean The Bachelor.

The show began with a Group Date that was billed as "Let's do what feels natural," so logically, Ashley I. put on her hair extensions and giant fake eyelashes in order to be prepared.

The date actually consisted of a car ride in a classic "hooptie" for a camping trip to what was billed as a lake, but was more likely a lagoon, or possibly even a cesspool.

There was probably more flesh eating bacteria and brain eating amoeba floating around in that "lake" than there was in Kaitlyn Bristowe's murky bikini bottoms.

Speaking of Kaitlyn, she decided to show Chris how much she was into him by dropping trow in front of everyone.

That seemed to take care of her agenda for the day as she declared., "I mean, he saw my tush - I'm feeling a-okay now."

Not to be outdone, the self described "virgin," Ashley I proclaimed, "For some reason I'm so shy with him." She then proceeded to jump in the water topless. 

Apparently Ashley Iaconetti comes from the generation where blow jobs and anal don't count against your "virginity" card. 

Some of the classier girls were less than impressed with the Group Date. Or as Kelsey said:

"This is a date made for bimbos...This is absurd. We're kind of like in the middle of nowhere, in very muddy water. I'm from Michigan, we have beautiful lakes. You want to visit a lake, you go to Michigan, you don't visit this dingy pond...I'm trying to enjoy this hell-hole. There are moments where I feel like taking a fork and just stabbing in my eye." 

By the end of the night half of the girls were drunk on whiskey, which meant that Ashley S. was babbling on incoherently about her tinfoil panties, Mackenzie was talking about aliens, and Chris was making out with anything that would look at him.

When Ashely S. finally got some alone time with Chris she took advantage of that magic moment by asking, "What are you? What are you? What are you?...That's a moon."

Ashely S. then proceeded to kiss him mid sentence before pulling back and randomly declaring, "I don't know, I mean...I love you, I love everything about you!"

Kaitlyn probably said it best when she declared, "I don't know if Ashley S. is here for the right reasons, because I don't know if she even knows where 'here' is."

As much for her whit as her tits, Kaitlyn got the much coveted Group Date Rose and promptly declared, "This is awesome, and I'm drunk!"

In addition to her never before besmirched lady parts (at least the "front door"), Ashley I. announced that she was also a "camping virgin."

She then snuck into Chris' tent in the middle of the night, because she apparently thought that waking him up by kissing him and rubbing his junk while he was half asleep and piss drunk would be the perfect time for her to tell him that she was a virgin.

But since it was so dark, and because Chris was so far gone, he didn't even know what girl he was talking to...But he was still happy to dry hump and make-out with her.

While Chris was off on the Group Date, his three evil sisters flew into town to choose who got to go on the weeks' sole 1-on-1 Date.

Jillian was concerned about how she looked since she was passed out at the pool with her ass exposed when they arrived, noting that was not how she wanted to be dressed the first time that she met them.

So Jillian Anderson was worried about how she presented herself since it was the first time she met Chris Soules' sisters? How about being worried about being dressed like that anytime?

In a cruel twist of forbidden love, Chris' sisters decided to give the 1-on-1 Date to Jade, which was surprising given that she's originally from Nebraska, while he's from that state's bitter rival when it comes to the corn harvest, Iowa.

Fortunately for Jade, a magical troll doll came down from the heavens in order to dress and disguise her for a surprise "Royal Ball" that even Chris did not know about.

Jade's fashion "Fairy God Mother" for her "Royal Ball" date with Chris Soules.

And with Jade receiving free "glass slippers" (a/k/a designer shoes), diamonds, and a designer gown to keep...All in within earshot of the other girls in the house, things turned just a little bit ugly.

For example, Ashley I. had brought her own "fairy princess" dress with her to the show that she put on and walked around the horse while eating corn in protest of not being selected.

I liked Ashley Iaconetti better when she was "Victoria" on Big Brother last summer.

In response to Ashley I's. behavior Chelsey joked, "She going to go sit in Chris' hot tub in her dress and cry."

Worse yet, the second Group Date called for the girls to get dressed up in wedding gowns, which only served to make the girls on the date punch drunk with love, and the girls who didn't get to go on it jealous.

However, wedding dresses weren't for everyone, as the theme of that date caused Jillian to say, "I feel like I'm out of my element," but only because she was wearing clothes that actually covered up her ass and vajay-jay for the first time.

The Group Date actually turned out to be a "Tough Mudder" themed competition, before which Jillian stretched her groin to make sure she doesn't strain one of her nuts. 

Carly was either very impressed, or less than impressed with Jillian saying, "(She) should be wearing a tuxedo and not a dress, that's all I'm saying...Is her dick bigger than Chris'?"

Jillian Anderson might be the only girl this season with implants...To her biceps.

Going on to win the "Tough Mudder" themed event in convincing fashion over the other girls, Jillian felt that she had accomplished all that she came on the show to do, and voluntarily agreed to go home, mainly because she doesn't like men with dicks smaller than hers.

At the Pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party Ashely I. wanted to clarify with Chris that she was the one who told him she was a virgin on the Group Date camping trip..And I stress the word "was."

Or as Chris said, "I never thought that Ashley I. was going to tell me that she was a virgin." Nor did anyone else Chris...Nor did anyone else.

Chelsey probably described Ashley Ianconetta the best by saying, "Her mouth is not a virgin."

As it turned out, Ashley I. was contagious, because Becca also tested positive for being a virgin, or at least that's what she told Chris.

That proved almost too much for someone like Kaitlyn to comprehend, who asked, "We've got two, not one, virgin in the house? I can't make this up."

Confused with Chris' motives, straight laced Britt confronted him about why he was seemingly rewarding girls who were engaging in questionable behavior, and what it meant for someone like her for who really cared about him.

Fortunately, Chris reassured Britt about her concerns by simply walking away from their conversation out of anger and announcing to the house that if anyone wanted to question his integrity, they could leave.

In the end Britt got the final rose, just to send her a message not to speak up...while Ashely S., Samantha, and Juelia were the ones who were sent packing.

And as bad as Chris has been this season with being a gentleman, he at least took Juelia (the widowed single mom he was sending home) aside and told her how special she was in a meaningful way before she left.

On the other hand, Chris didn't really say anything to Ashely S. as she left after downing a half bottle of Evan Williams and three Prozacs while muttering, "I feel nothing...Chris all I have to say to you is, 'I feel nothing!'"

The Bachelor Blog - "Why are you kissing everyone else too?"

The third episode of this year's version of The Bachelor began with Chris Soules hanging out with comedian and late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel, you know, because they were close friends growing up together back in Iowa.

Chris Soules on his "field of queens."
 "If you build it, they will cum."

In actuality, The Bachelor producers apparently finally realized that Chris didn't quite have the personality to carry a full episode by himself, let alone a whole season, and brought in the ABC cross promotion team for reinforcements.

Things are apparently so bad that Jimmy Kimmel's appearance wasn't just limited to just a cameo, but the producers actually had him tag along on Chris' date with Kaitlyn, who seemed more than open to the thought of a threesome.

Clearly playing the role of a troublemaker, Jimmy declared "I love to make people uncomfortable."

And make people uncomfortable Jimmy did, as he flat out asked Kaitlyn if she'd be angry if she made it all the way to the end of the show and found out that Chris screwed on of the other girls in the "fantasy suite."

However, Kaitlyn proved to be a good sport, or at least that she really didn't have any real feelings for Chris when she said, "No..It part of the process, you can't take out a car without test driving it."

In the end, Kaitlyn declared that she had one of the best dates she had ever been on, not realizing that it was only fun because she was really on a date with funny man Jimmy Kimmel, and not just Chris Soules.

Jimmy even stuck around for the Group Date, which turned out to be an exercise in shucking a husk, grabbing a cock, sucking a teat, handling some shit, and wrestling around with a greased pig...Or as people in Iowa call it, "foreplay."

Amber didn't seem up for the challenge saying, "Salty and warm, it's not something I'd like in my mouth...Some girls say it tastes like protein."

Unbeknownst to Jillian, her shorts didn't cover her ass, and she ended up flashing America for the second week in a row.

And by "unbeknownst" to Jillian Anderson, I really meant, "totally planned." 

Or as Mackenzie said, "Jillian's shorts? The cows like it. That's what they're mooing at, her ass."

In the end, Carly defeated Jillian and her ass cheeks, and  took advantage of some alone time by saying, "Your a man, and I'm a woman, and I just wanted to take advantage," before smearing Chris face in lipstick to mark her territory.

Up next, or possibly fifth, Mackenzie put Chris the spot by asking, "I'm going to be blunt. So, you remember how when we kissed? Why are you kissing everyone else too?"

Unfortunately for Mackenzie, Chris answered that question by asking her, "We kissed? Which one were you again?"

And in an upset, the Group Date Rose went to Carly, who Chris may not have even made out with...but probably did.

The second 1-on-1 date went to Whitney, with whom Chris "spontaneously" decided to crash a wedding that they were totally expected to be at...Well, either that, or nobody in the wedding party seemed to notice all the cameras and crews setting up.

Fortunately, Chris and Whitney just happened to have their tux and formal attire with them, which turned out to be totally lucky and a complete coincidence.

As it turned out, Whitney is the girl who's totally infatuated with the thought of getting married, which:

1) Explained why she was so into crashing the wedding and pretending that she was Chris' fiance, and 

2) Was totally awesome for Chris, or any other guy who's trying to date at least one woman while still declaring himself a "bachelor."

At the end of the night, Chris took his love back to his room to make out, and do whatever else any other guy would do with someone who's desperate to engaged after going to a romantic wedding.

Chris Soules and Jimmy Kimmel

And after Chris got done showering with Jimmy Kimmel the next morning, he was ready to deal with the women again, with it being announced that the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party had been cancelled and that there would be a pool party instead.

Juelia tried her best to lift Chris' spirits by telling him all about her ex husband's suicide, while Britt marked her territory by putting her lipstick all over his face.

Jillian, who once again accidentally forgot to cover her ass, decided to wait things out in Chris' hot tub, where Chris was going to sped some alone time with Jade, with whom he had just made out with.

Okay, at this point I'm starting to wonder whether or not Jillian Anderson is trying to show her ass to America on purpose. 

In addition to Jillian's ass, Ashley I., Megan and Mackenzie all also decide to crash Chris' hot tub date.

Feeling insecure, Ashley I. left the hot tub saying, "I hope I kiss him again, because that would make me feel better," almost as if Chris' mouth was a half gallon tub of Ben and Jerry's.

Fortunately, Ashely I. made it happen by grabbing Chris and dry humping his face, which was good enough to earn her the last rose of the night.

Virgin or not, with the best ass in the house, Chris isn't sending Ashley I. home quite yet, especially when she comes across like she puts out. 

Sadly, Chris sent Amber, the sole black girl this year, home...Not because she was black, but so she could be with her people on Martin Luther King Day when the episode first aired.

Despite Chris' thoughtfulness, Amber seemed bitter saying, "He didn't even get to know me that much," which was odd considering that Chris made it a point to make out with every other girl in the house before sending any one of them home.

Chris also parted ways with Tracy, the teacher from California, as well as Trina, who managed to stay so sober this week that I didn't even realize who she was when she was sent packing.

The Bachelor Blog - "I feel like I'm at the Mesa Verde!"

The second episode of The Bachelor began with the aftermath of Kimberly refusing to leave after getting eliminated at the first Rose Ceremony.

Or as Kaitlyn not so politely asked, "What is she doing here? Remember two minutes ago when he said goodbye to you?"

And with all of the other girls talking about Kimberly in similar fashion while giving her their best bitter bitch faces, Chris Harrison gave Chris Soules the green light to keep her around if he so wanted.

Chris Soules and Jimmy Kimmel...I just want to know where Chris' hands are at, and whether or not he made out with him too. 

Wanting to keep as many girls around to make-out with as humanly possible in one episode, Chris decided to let her stay, much to the delight of the other women, who all welcomed her back into the house with open arms.

The first Group Date was announced with a card that simply said "Show me your country."

While Jillian and Megan were not selected to go on that date, they took it as an opportunity to break into Chris' room, with Megan using that opportunity to put on Chris' motorcycle helmet on and ram her head into nearly every solid object possible.

Meanwhile, Jillian Anderson apparently misunderstood the date card that said "Show me your country" to mean, "Show me your cunt."

The Group Date actually turned out to be a pool party, with the country part coming into to play when Chris moved the date to the streets of Los Angeles for a bikini themed tractor race...

And while Ashley I. won the race and received some extra time with Chris, Mackenzie earned the coveted Group Date Rose by using her time with Chris to discuss important subjects like whether or not he believed in aliens.

Even Chris seemed to acknowledge that Mackenzie was stupid as he said, "The fact that she's talking about aliens on a first date does raise a few red flags for me."

However, the fact that he still gave her the Group Date Rose raised a few red flags about Chris.

The first 1-on-1 date of the season went to Megan, who got take a trip with Chris to the bottom of the Grand Canyon in a helicopter that was surprisingly not the "Batch-Copter."

No word yet on whether there's been an official breakup, or they're just going through some ordinal mechanical problems.

Megan was much more subdued than her break-in to Chris' room after her head injuries, almost to the extent that she was boring, but that didn't stop him from making out with her.

Better yet, Megan became the first girl of the season to declare that she was falling for Chris.

The second Group Date of the episode was billed as "'Til death do us part," which was slightly tasteless considering that the two widows, Kelsey and Juelia, were both selected to go along.

The date actually turned out to be a game of paintball, where the girls got to shoot at crazy creatures...like zombies and Ashley S.

And if there was any doubt that Ashley S. wasn't bat shit crazy after she spent half the opening episode in the garden of good onions and evil pomegranates, she removed it during the Group Date when babbled on incoherently about the likes of shooting the other girls and ancient Puebloans.

"I feel like I'm in the the Mesa Verde...The Mesa Verde."

By that point the girls were all starting to realize that Ashley S. had been  Amanda Bynes.

Or as Amber said, "I can't quite put my finger on it, but she's not all there."

Kaitlyn probably said it best when she contemplated the prospect of Ashley S. somehow receiving the Group Date Rose.

"I think she'd actually eat the rose...She doesn't hide it for a second. She's like I'm here, I'm crazy!"

And that alone is probably why Kaitlyn earned the Group Date Rose...Well that, in addition to putting herself out there as being easy.

Even Chris seemed to know that something was up, as instead of trying to make out with her, he delicately asked Ashley S., "How are you doing? Are you holding up okay?"

Unfortunately, Ashley S. was too far gone too even fake being half way sane, as she matter of factly replied, "No, I don't even know what you're asking me," and then went back to talking to stray cats as if they were people.

At the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, self proclaimed virgin Ashley I. had Chris rub her belly button ring in order to be granted three wishes...The first of which must have been having her dry hump him right then and there on the couch.

College student Jordan seemed to start the day drunk, and seemed to get worse at the cocktail party, which only fueled her with more "stupid juice."

In the end, the final rose went to Ashley S. in a decision that was likely in large part driven by ratings.

In fact, Chris hardly seemed to be able to keep a straight face as he called her name.

And while Chris understandably sent drunk girls Jordan and Tara home, Alissa and Kimberly also were left empty handed.

Alissa was surprisingly sent home by Chris Soules in favor of Ashley S...And while I'm not a Steelers fan by any stretch of the imagination, Alissa Giambrone might have made my final three by virtue of this photo alone. 

The Bachelor Blog - "Every person you meet is like an onion, you peel them back layer by layer"

The new season of Farmersonly.com is upon us.

Wait, what's that? It's actually still called The Bachelor?

In any event, we all know by now that Chris Soules is a farmer from Iowa, and unlike Andi Dorfman, we know that he really is in search of true love, mainly because there's not much that farmers can do to advance their careers on national TV.

And for those of you who thought that I was being harsh on her last season, Andi acted as if she was all about Josh Murray at this season's red carpet premier, only to promptly call off their engagement just one day later.

At the beginning of the episode we learned that Chris' family started farming with just 40 acres and a mule approximately four generations ago.

However, they managed to parlay that into to nearly 6000 perfectly flat acres of corn and soybeans...with just a few marijuana plants thrown in for good measure to help them make ends meet.

But enough about Chris, let's get to the important part...All the crazy bitches!

This season began by teasing us with previews of more girls wearing yoga pants than you would find during a Saturday morning shopping excursion to your local Target.

We also found out from the contestants' bios that there is nothing that girls fear more than going out on a date with a guy that they might like and coming down with explosive diarrhea, or worse yet, having the guy eat less food than they do at dinner.

As the girls arrived, we were reminded that The Bachelor only brings out the worst kinds of women that that there are when it comes to dating..Professional cheerleaders, aspiring models/actresses, and born again virgins.

And yes, all of this has lead me to compromise my manhood yet again and make an attempt to blog this season of The Bachelor.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of some of the girls who did and did not receive a Rose on the first night, and my initial impressions of them:

Kelsey Poe - The "I'm probably not cut out for reality TV" girl.

Kelsey is absolutely adorable in a "she's not trying to make herself look all Hollywood" kind of way...And that's a good thing. I just have two questions about Kelsey:

1. Can she handle the pressure of being around snarky bitches who are all trying to date the same guy that she is?

2. Is she ready to date again after being widowed at the age of 28?

I'm not sure that Kelsey's not in over her head with these girls..and once again, that's a good thing. If she proves to be up to the challenge, I've got her as my front-runner.

Kelsey Poe reminds me a lot of Emily Maynard...That is, without the little retarded kid and the stink of NASCAR drivers all over her lady parts.

Britt Nilsson - The "first impression" girl.

Britt immediately caught the attention of Chris, and earned the much coveted First Impression Rose. Britt seems like she's religious, fairly educated, well grounded and altruistic...Which makes me wonder, why is she working as a waitress in Hollywood?

Britt Nilsson

Jillian Anderson - The "what's wrong with this girl," girl.

A news producer, a Washington Pigskin cheerleader, and possible fitness competitor, Jillian Anderson seems just a little too good to be true. In fact, I have to wonder why she has to resort to going on a reality TV show to find a man when she lives in a town like Washington, D.C.

Jillian Anderson: My guess it's either explosive diarrhea or her crossed eyes. 

Amanda Goerlitz - The "completely delusional" girl.

Amanda Goerlitz is a wanna be pageant girl/ballet instructor who lives with her mother, doesn't cook or clean, and has one of the worst cases of "crazy eyes" that I've ever seen on a show known for having girls with "crazy eyes." On top of that, she wondered why she didn't get a Rose from Chris saying, "I'm going home on the first day. That was never expected in the slightest."

Essentially Amanda Goerlitz is the female version of Chris Bukowski. Sadly, he'll probably think he's too good for her when they meet on Bachelor in Paradise.

Whitney Bischoff - A fertility nurse from Kentucky, Whitney lists herself as "conservative," but says that she'll "try anything once."

Unfortunately for Chris, that means Whitney Bischoff tried it in the corn hole once, but didn't like it...Go Big Blue!!!

Mackenzie Deonigi - The "single mom."

In a game of "Guess whether she was drunk or just stupid," Mackenzie boldly stated that "roses are red, like life jackets." Furthermore, this single mom may have problems adjusting to life on the farm after getting confused about the crops that Chris is growing. "What's alfalfa? Never heard of it...Is it organic?"

Mackenzie Deonigi...I wish her hair started lower. 

Ashley Iaconetti - The "I'm saving myself for marriage" girl.

A freelance journalist who has covered the New York Jets, when Ashley Iaconetti was asked what she would do to try and impress a man she replied, "Make him amazing cheeseburgers and watch football with him because that would be fun for me and him."

Does that sound too good to be true? Unfortunately, Ashley Iaconetti is still a virgin...Then again, maybe that is too good to be true. 

Tara Eddings - "The drunk redneck" girl.

Tara's bio pretty much said it all when she noted, "I love it when my date opens the truck door for me." Sure enough, Tara came out of the limo to great Chris wearing Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots instead of a cocktail dress, much to the horror of all the pageant queen girls.

And while Tara did go back and change into a dress to show Chris that she could in fact pretty herself up, by the end of the night she was so drunk she could barely stand up at the Rose Ceremony.

That caused Chris to actually walk away from the Rose Ceremony and tell Chris Harrison, "I was going to pick her, but she's like 'wasted' drunk." However, that didn't stop him from giving her a rose, as Chris apparently thought the purpose of coming on the show was to find a girl to take home from the bar, and not a future wife.

A sport fishing guide in Florida, when Tara Eddings said, "Chris got to see the real me," I'm not sure if she was referring to how she acted when she was drunk, her ass, or the really bad tattoo that she revealed in her backless dress.  

Amber James - The "black" girl.

Even though Chris Soules is a white farmer from Iowa, he's contractually obligated by ABC to keep the token black girl around for at least 3 episodes to avoid any lawsuits.

Either Amber James is a closet hipster who dressed up like Donna Martin for Halloween last year to be ironic, or she never watched the original 90210 and was doomed to repeat the mistakes of Donna's past. Sadly, I'm guessing that Tori Spelling lived her life in vain. 

Ashley Salter - "The bat-shit crazy" girl.

When Ashley not compared meeting people to onions saying, "Every person you meet is like an onion, you peel them back layer by layer," it wasn't what she said as much as how she said it. Shortly thereafter she began to search the back yard for onions like she was at an Easter egg hunt for crazy people. Ashley S. then went to have a conversation with a pomegranate tree as an off camera producer could be heard scolding her "NO," almost as if she was a dog looking to pee on it.

Ashley Salter: Honestly, all girls who wear sparkly headbands are just labeling themselves as schizophrenic. 

Kaitlyn Bristowe - The "slutty" girl.

Kaitlyn made her intentions known to Chris when she got out of the limo and immediately told him, "I know that you're a farmer, and I want you to know that you can plow my field anytime."

Kaitlynn Bristowe also made it clear to Chris that she wanted to have sex with him. 

Becca Tilley - The "wanna be Southern socialite" girl. 

Becca lists "Staying and living alone in California when my sister and brother-in-law went back home to Louisiana" as her greatest accomplishment. Of course, her sister is married to former San Diego Charger and LSU star Jacob Hester, so Becca was clearly "losing" to her sister in the status department prior to coming on The Bachelor.

Becca Tilley: Only in the South is auctioning off one of your daughters on reality TV considered favorable to your family's social status. 

Tandra Steiner - The "trying too hard to be rebellious" girl.

Living in Salt Lake City, Tandra Steiner is trying just a little to hard to be rebel against the Mormon culture by becoming a biker chick, when in reality all she needed to do was have a glass of Mountain Dew or live in the same apartment complex as a man....Needless to say, Tandra didn't end up getting a rose.

Tandra Steiner: Chris might be a farmer from Iowa, but he's pretty metrosexual for a farmer from Iowa. If he's into motorcycles, I'm guessing he's more of a crotch rocket than a Harley kind of guy. 

Brittany Fetkin - The "I'm trying to hype my career" girl.

Honestly, Brittany is quite beautiful, but I don't know if there's any guy who doesn't wear Ed Hardy t-shirts who would feel comfortable dating a WWE "Diva in Training," which is probably why she didn't get a rose from Chris.

I have little doubt that Brittany Fetkin is going to drive teenage boys absolutely wild in the WWE...That is, until she marries and gets murdered by a physically abusive wrestler with a prescription drug problem.

Bo Stanley - The "big" girl.

A professional surfer, Bo is also a "plus sized" model, which means you automatically don't make it to the second episode. 

If Bo Stanley is "plus sized," then Janice Dickenson had too much plastic surgery. 

Carly Waddell - The "reality TV legacy" girl. 

The sister of former Bachelorette contestant Zak Waddell, who was Desiree's season. Carly is currently a cruise ship singer, which means that her audition for American Idol didn't go so well. 

Carly Waddell, clearly singing "On the Good Ship Lolipop," but making it her own.

Kara Grey Wilson - The "born again virgin" girl.

Kara has apparently found God after years of whoring it up like __. In fact, Kara claims that she's not even going to kiss a guy until she gets married, so take that Ashley I! Then again, neither one of them may ever get a second date going forward, let alone any attention from a guy just looking to sleep with women on a reality TV show.

Sadly, I've been to this same crappy little mall that Kara Wilson is singing at. I instantly recognized it as the mall in Ashland, KY from this video, and that's not a good thing...for her career, or mine.

                                         

Jade Roper - The "former Playboy Playmate."

Wearing a sexy dress that exposed everything but her boobs, Chris seemed immediately attracted to Jade. And why not, as she's a former Playboy Playmate.

While she currently lists her career as a "cosmetics developer," I have a hard time believing that a conservative guy from Iowa like Chris will be able to accept Jade Roper's past history as a Playboy Model...But I'm still betting that she makes it to the Fantasy Suite dates!

Kimberly Sherbach - The "refused to go home" girl.

While Kimberly, a yoga instructor from Long Island, was not initially given a rose, she came back into the house after she was initially thought to have left to talk to Chris about not getting a rose.

That left Chris Harrison to say in a gratuitous teaser, "Wait a minute, women who don't get roses are supposed to go home, right? Find out next week!"