The Bachelor Blog - "I would assume it's a photo shoot, or maybe it's eating cheese. I'm good at both, so I'm alright with either."

This week's episode of The Bachelor began surrounded in controversy after Juan Pablo Galavis was quoted as saying that there shouldn't be a homosexual version of the show, and that gays were more likely to be "perverts" than their straight counterparts, namely the Catholics and Penn State alums.

Juan Pablo later went on to blame the whole fiasco about gays being "perverts" as a misunderstanding with his words being misconstrued because of the "language barrier."

Of course, the Spanish word for "pervert" is "pervertido," so I'll let you do the math on that.

On to less important things, the season's first 1-on-1 Date, which went to Clare, a hairstylist from Sacramento.

And while I'm not saying that Clare Crawley is beneath Juan Pablo, hair stylists are pretty much just strippers without the cool stage names and heroin addictions.

Juan Pablo took Clare to a park in L.A. that had been covered with artificial snow and set up with an ice skating rink and a really crappy sledding hill.

Clare revealed to Juan Pablo that she had a history of dating guys who "Weren't emotionally all there," although she didn't qualify whether she meant their mental health, or whether they just weren't all that in to her.

Clare went on to inform Juan Pablo that any man who wanted to date her would have to live up to the lofty standard set by her father.

"My dad was like one of the greatest, greatest men that there is."

Unfortunately, as a point of reference, Clare's father was probably Brett Michaels, although the DNA tests won't be revealed until next week on a very special edition of Maury Povich.

When Juan Pablo gave Clare a Rose she gushed, "If this is the beginning of our love story, I can't wait to see what comes next." (Spoiler alert to Clare...He dates all fifteen of your roommates and you freak the fuck out).

I'm still trying to figure out what Juan Pablo Galavis has tattooed on his left arm.

Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor Mansion we had a topless girl in the hot tub alert.

And to nobody's surprise, the topless girl was Lucy Aragon.

Of course, Renee probably put it best when she said, "Lucy, she's super hippie, fun, crazy, kind of girl. It's only a matter of time before those were going to pop out of her bathing suit."

However, not all of the other girls were as amused, with Nikki complaining, "Lucy doesn't leave much to the imagination. Lucy apparently forgot to pack bikini tops."

And you know when one girl keeps referring to the other one by her first name, things are starting to get a little catty.

Speaking of catty, the second 1-on-1 Date went to Kat Hurd, the medical sales rep and former Phoenix Suns dancer.

Kat Hurd

Juan Pablo and Kat traveled via a private jet to Salt Lake City for some sort of neon glow stick themed dance party. However, since the state of Utah outlawed dancing years back, they re-branded that rave as an "Electric Run."

Juan Pablo Galavis and Kat Hurder at the Salt Lake City "Electric Run," which was kind of like Xanadu, only minus the roller skates and awesomeness which is Olivia Newton-John.

Back at the Mansion, the Group Date was announced with the theme being "Say Cheese!"

That caused Kelly Travis to say, "I would assume it's a photo shoot, or maybe it's eating cheese. I'm good at both, so I'm alright with either."

And if there could anything better than cheese for Kelly, who lists her occupation as a "dog lover," the date turned out to be a photo shoot that doubled as a fund raiser for a pet rescue shelter. 

Meanwhile, Lucy saw the theme of the Group Date as another perfect opportunity to flash her tits, saying, "How can I get Juan Pablo's attention, I'm thinking maybe this."

Lucy Aragon keeps showing her tits to distract us all from the crazy that's clearly oozing from her eyes.

And while Lucy obviously has no concerns about going nude on national TV, she still had fears about the photo shoot. They weren't rational fears, but she had fears nonetheless.

"There was a lot of pooping, there was a lot of disorder. My biggest fear was that one of the dogs was going to pee on me because I was wearing somebody else's shoes today."

Sure enough, the producers of The Bachelor once again found away to put the girl with a phobia in an uncomfortable position.

Much like they have a knack for sending the girls who are afraid of heights on bungee jumping dates and helicopter rides, they assigned Lucy a fire hydrant costume in a room full of dogs that she was already afraid might pee on her.

Lucy wasn't the only girl upset with her photo shoot costume, as Elise was not at all happy about receiving nothing but two small signs to cover her private areas.

And when Elise said, "I'm a first grade teacher, and I just want to make sure that I'm always a good role model," she apparently forgot the part where she used to star in soft core porn.

If you're trying to figure out which one Elise Mosca is, she's the one who looks like a dog trying to work a poop out on the couch.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't think that Elise's video was all that bad...However, being The Situation's booty call from The Jersey Shore is a probably deal breaker for anybody.

Nonetheless, it made too much sense for Elise not to switch costumes with Lucy who said, "If that's going to make you comfortable and happy, I'm happy to do it...I'm really glad that I switched with Elise. I'm happy to take off my top, as always."

Of course, I don't think that heading out naked down a public street was part of the photo shoot, but that didn't stop Lucy Aragon from taking her puppies for a walk. 

Being a crazy dog lover, Kelly Travis would have pretty much dressed up in any costume that they gave her, and was less than pleased that Elise was bitching about her costume saying, "Wear the fire hydrant and shut the fuck up, seriously."

Either Kelly Travis looks ridiculous in black face, or former NBA player Sam Cassell is not aging well.

Like Elise, Andi also received nothing but a cardboard sign. Worse yet, the straight laced district attorney from Atlanta noted how she was the only girl in the house who brought a one piece swimsuit with her on the show. 

However, as Andi stressed over whether or not to pose nude for the photo shoot, Juan Pablo used his charm to get her out of clothes when he said in his best Latin accent, "We both be naked, so eats (sic) okay."

...And now Andi Dorfman will always have a picture of Juan Pablo, Lucy and herself to hang over her parents' fireplace.

At the post photo shoot cocktail party, Cassandra pulled Juan Pablo aside and told him about kid the kid she had with mediocre NBA player, Rodney Stuckey.

I'm not saying that Cassandra Ferguson's kid is ugly, but Tre actually makes Rodney Stuckey's jump shot look good.

Victoria earned the honor of being the first girl to get a little too drunk when she got smashed at the post date cocktail party, causing the judgmental Nikki to warn her, "You better tone it down."

However, that didn't stop Victoria, who insisted that she wasn't drunk and only had a glass of champagne.

And that's when shit got weird.

Victoria went on describe what she did, and what she wanted to do to Juan Pablo.

"If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I'm going to straddle him every day. Because that's what life is about straddling people, and things."

"If you do the heiman maneuver and somebody's like laying down and dying, you're going to have to like straddle them."

For some reason I'm thinking that Victoria Lima got her heiman maneuver out of the way around the age of 13.

Victoria then yelled out, "Who's leg do you have to hump around here to get some one on one time, huh?"

But when Victoria realized that she wasn't getting any alone time with Juan Pablo, she locked herself in the bathroom and cried on the floor...Just like my Homecoming Dance date in high school did.

Being to surrogate house mother to a bunch of crazy chicks, Renee took it upon herself to crawl under the door to the bathroom stall in order to console Victoria, who demanded to go home. 

Victoria Lima gets more ass than a toilet seat...Literally, she got all of the ass from the toilet seat she was crying on, plus Renee Oteri's.

After all that drama, it was pig faced Kelli, not Andi, who got the rose for being the best sport on the Group Date.

The next morning we saw Juan Pablo talking to Victoria in a hotel room that was NOT the fantasy suite.

And while Juan Pablo accepted Victoria's apology, he still sent her home on the spot since he didn't want risk his four-year-old daughter waking up in the middle of the night with some drunken psycho chick straddling her and trying to pop her heiman.

While news reporter Amy Long missed out on both the 1-on-1 and Group Dates, she did receive some one-on-one time with Juan Pablo at the Cocktail Party immediately before the Rose Ceremony.

Unfortunately, she decided to use that time to try and further her career and "interview" Juan Pablo instead of getting to know him.

And that's a wrap! Juan Pablo sent Amy Long back home without a rose.

Realizing that she was a bit of an ice queen last week when she had a lukewarm response to being offered the coveted First Impression Rose, Sharleen took off her perpetual bitch face and reached out to Juan Pablo.

Meanwhile, Renee appeared to be more concerned with mothering the other girls than she was with Juan Pablo.

In fact, she almost seemed perturbed when Juan Pablo took Cassandra aside as she was trying to console her over how ugly her kid is. "We were interrupted by Juan Pablo."

And while Cassandra managed to get a rose, as the token black girl Chantel wasn't so lucky.

That was kind of sad, not only because Cassandra really seemed interested in Juan Pablo, but because he was contractually obligated by ABC to eliminate her on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

And remember, don't be cruel to animals.

The Bachelor Blog - "All I want to do is rip that off of him and poor my oils all over him"

This season of The Bachelor is upon us, starring Who Juan Pablo.

Notice how there was no question mark after "who?" That wasn't a typo, it's apparently just how women and Chris Harrison pronounce Juan Pablo's his name when they're drunk and horny.

The new Bachelor is Who? Juan Pablo Galavis, shirtless and in bikini briefs.

I will say that it looks like ABC has finally tabbed a Bachelor/Bachelorette with some personality to go along with good looks for the first time in years.

And if you look back on Ashley Hebert's season, they missed the mark on both accounts.

And don't think for a second that ABC isn't milking it for all it's worth with a one hour The Countdown to Juan Pablo special, the two hour Bachelor season premier, and a one hour Behind the Scenes follow up.

Throw in next Monday's regular two hour episode, and in an eight day period ABC dedicated eight hours, or 1/3 of twenty-four possible prime hours to Juan Pablo and Bachelor related programming.

As we all know, Juan Pablo has a beautiful 4-year-old daughter named Camilla, who makes Emily Maynard's then 6-year-old daughter "'lil Ricki" look like a mongoloid who runs around killing butterflies just for the sport of it.

We also got to meet Juan Pablo's extended family, where his cousin Isabel basically called him a man whore.

Another female cousin cried out, "I'm not ready to see him make out with women, I don't know what I'm going to do!," proving that you don't have to be a cast member to get all irrationally crazy about Juan Pablo dating other women.

Better yet, Juan Pablo's uncle got on camera and began to say, "My advice to 'Juan Carlos' is," before the producers quickly realized that he was either drunk or just some Hispanic guy who wasn't really a relative after all.

As the show got ready to kick off, Juan Pablo was forced to visit with last season's Bachelor Sean Lowe for advice, who confidently told him to take off his shirt and to act as vanilla as possible.

When the girls finally began to arrive at the Bachelor Mansion, Juan Pablo seemed very pleased with his prospective brides.

That much was evidenced by the way he stared the girls up and down and ogled at their asses as they walked away as if they either didn't know or he simply didn't care that he was obviously checking them out.

Juan Pablo Galavis: There's something about being a white Latino that lets you get away with treating girls like a piece of meat that Mexican guys just can't pull off...Just ask any girl who's ever worked at a strip club.

And as the girls arrived, we were reminded that The Bachelor brings out every narcissistic class of women that guys never hope to see in a girl that they are dating, or at least the ones that they want to marry...Pageant queens, NBA dance squad members, bikini models, and grade school teachers.

And yes, all of this has lead me to compromise my manhood (yet again) and make an attempt to blog this season of The Bachelor.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of some of the girls who did and did not receive a Rose on the first night, and my initial impressions of them:

Amy Jokinen - A massage therapist and aspiring actress from Apopka, FL, Amy J. really seemed to catch Juan Pablo's eye as she got out of the limousine.

However, Amy J. insisted on making Juan Pablo taking off his jacket and letting her give him a massage right off the bat saying, "All I want to do is rip that (his suit) off of him and poor my oils all over him."

That caused a stunned Juan Pablo to say, "Amy J. is pretty nice, but the massage was pretty awkward," especially the part where where she oiled all over him and didn't even have the decency to hand him a towel.

And unfortunately for Amy J., she ultimately lifted up her dress just a little too far and showed Juan Pablo her crazy, which caused him to send her home without a rose.

Amy Jokinen: I'm not sure what the backyard stripper pole was all about...But I'm diggin' it!

Amy Long - A TV news reporter (and swimsuit model) from Clearmont, FL, Amy Long has to be considered one of Juan Pablo's front runners, even though news reporters are quickly climbing up my list to rival grade school teachers as the most annoying and undateable girls there are.

Nonetheless, she got a rose.

Amy Long: She hot!

Andi Dorfman - A district attorney from Atlanta who specializes in prosecuting gang members, Andi is another girl that I think has to be considered a favorite this year...So long as South American raised Juan Pablo doesn't "love the cocaine" too much.

Andi Dorfman

Chantel Forrest - An account manager out of Miami, Chantel is the lone black girl on the show. That means that she'll stick around just long enough so that Juan Pablo and ABC don't look blatantly racist, but that she'll still go home before any of the girls that he's truly serious about.

Chantel Forrest smoking an imaginary cigarette...They're menthol, of course.

Elise Mosca - Elise Mosca is a first grade teacher from Pennsylvania who adamantly believes in "love at first site." Of course, at the age of 27 she lists her longest relationship as lasting eight years, so pretty much all she knows about relationship wise is a high school crush.

In addition to being a grade school teacher, Elise Mosca is also a hard core pageant girl, so Juan Pablo might want to let her go before she has the chance to talk down to him about how good looking she is.

Lauren Higginson - Lauren calls herself a mineral coordinator out of Edmond, Oklahoma, but she's also a swimsuit model, which apparently isn't a profession that you have to audition for anymore...Or least you don't if you live in a state that's had more dust bowls than beaches.

And while Lauren H. was the first girl to freak out and cry about not being able to get any time with Juan Pablo, she ultimately got her chance to speak to him one on one.

Unfortunately, she used that time to tell Juan Pablo how her fiance recently called off their engagement with her...via telephone...while she was at work. That obviously raised a red flag about who she is, the type of guys she dates, or the most likely scenario, both.

And after she got sent home, Lauren H. had the audacity to whine, "I'm sick and tired of people looking at me and feeling sorry for me," which is kind of like going on The Jersey Shore and getting mad when people call you stupid.

Lauren Higginson: She's old enough to be a cougar, and honestly, that may be more her speed.

Kat Hurd - Seriously, this girl's name is "Kat Hurd," only her first name is spelled with a "K" instead of "C." Sadly, Kat isn't even the girl who's the crazy animal lover...That would be Kelly Travis (see below).

And while Kat lists herself as a medical sales representative, which pretty much means you have to be hot (but not necessarily smart), she failed to disclose in her bio that she's a former Phoenix Suns dancer, which pretty much confirms that she was hot (but not necessarily smart).

Kat Hurd: She's from Iowa!

Kelly Travis - Kelly T. lists herself as a "dog lover" from Conyers, GA. She backed it up by bringing her dog "Molly" on the show and into the house as The Bachelor's first in-house pet since Vienna Girardi...Oh wait, that was a "Playmate," my bad.

Kelly Travis: For some reason, I think her dog "Molly" lasts longer in the house than Kelly T. does...After all, at least the dog has a job.

Kylie Lewis - Kylie apparently blamed the Bachelor's producers for talking her into dying her hair red and wearing the hideous pink "Barbie" dress that she wore at the initial cocktail party, saying that it wasn't something that she would have ever done or wore on her own.

Kylie Lewis and her affinity for horrible pink dresses.

...But then her Facebook page went and called bullshit on her.

But things only got worse for Kylie at the first Rose Ceremony, as when Juan Pablo called out Kat's name to accept a rose, she thought that he had called out to her, and she erroneously walked forward to accept a rose that was never coming.

And by the time that Kylie realized that she had made one of the biggest mistakes in Bachelor history since Ben decided to ask Courtney Robertson to marry him, all she could say was, "Oh I thought you said Kylie. I'm sorry, can you take both of us?"

Lucy Aragon - Lucy, who bills herself as a free spirit and as a hippie but also works as a model and has a propensity for dating rich guys, is the front runner for becoming this season's villain.

And when Lucy entered the Bachelor Mansion not wearing any shoes, it apparently was just a teaser for things to come. 

Lucy Aragon: Because there's nothing that says "future wife" more than the girl who takes every opportunity she gets to strip naked on national TV.

Sharleen Joynt - I'm not sure if Juan Pablo liked Sharleen or just her dress, but either way it was enough for him to give her the ever so important First Impression Rose.

However, Sharleen said that she wasn't feeling any "instant chemistry" with Juan Pablo, and when he offered her the First Impression Rose her response was a simple and unenthusiastic, "Sure, yes."

Worse yet, Sharleen Joynt kept calling Juan Pablo "sir," making me wonder if there isn't some type of "Peppermint Patty" thing going on here.

However, Juan Pablo was so unaccustomed to girls not drooling over him, he didn't pick up on the fact that Sharleen wasn't feeling him.

"Sharleen was so surprised that I was giving her the rose that she didn't know what to do, but I know that she's going to sleep well tonight, and that makes me happy."

 And while Sharleen probably did sleep well that first night, I'm sure it's just because it was furthering her career as an opera singer...Or else she never would have accepted Juan Pablo's rose.

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "Can I kneel like I'm being knighted?"

Realizing that the fate of his game rested in Monica's hands as the swing vote yet again this week, Tyson offered her his Immunity Idol to reward her for being a good dog and not voting against him last week.

The final Redemption Challenge of the season required the contestants to balance a vase on the opposite end of a teeter totter with just one foot.

And just moments after he said that he was excited to be competing against two grandmas in Tina and Laura M., Hayden wiped brow and somehow lost control of his vase.

Meanwhile, Laura M. asked Tina to let her win...You know, because Tina had clearly spent the past 30 days emaciating herself simply give her chance to remain in the game to someone she barely knew.

Seriously, Tina didn't even let her own daughter win a Redemption Challenge, so why would she let Laura M. win when we all know that she'd just blow any winnings on another set of fake boobs.

And with Tina telling Laura M., "No way sister...This is a million dollar challenge," Tina went on to win, sending Laura M. out of the game and to the Jury.

It was only after her mom was eliminated that Ciera finally showed her some love.

"I'm so proud of you...You've shown me out here how to be a better friend, how to a better woman, and how to be a better mom more than anything, and I love you so much."

And while that sentiment was nice, Ciera Eastin forgot about that whole "needs to work on being a better daughter" thing.

However, since Laura M. was not used to expecting much from her promiscuous daughter, she bought in completely saying, "How can you walk away saying you lost after that?"

 Somehow I'm thinking that Laura Moffit will change that opinion after she watches her own daughter throw her under the bus...But at least she got to show her nipples on national TV.

Having earned the right to return to the game, Tina kept the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol not realizing that Tyson had already found it.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to hold onto a on rope to balance a leveling table while retrieving and stacking ten blocks without any of them falling.

And when Tyson won, guarantying himself a spot in final four he arrogantly asked Jeff Probst, "Can I kneel like I'm being knighted?" as he was receiving the Immunity Necklace.

Better yet, Tyson Apostol declared that he wanted to keep his Hidden Immunity Idol as a souvenir for his "girlfriend," Rachel...Why do I think that while Tyson may go down to his knees many times in his life, none of them will be for a girl.

Even though Monica held the swing vote, Gervase disagreed with her on who to target at Tribal Council.

And instead of kissing her ass like Tyson did, Gervase got angry.

"I've had enough crap that she's spewing to me right now, because it makes no sense. I'm like puffing my chest up right now turning into a bully, leaning into her like, 'woman are you crazy?'"

And it was only then that it seemed like Monica was finally coming to her senses.

"I've been bullied, and bullied, and bullied this entire game by everyone. It hurts, I'm over it, I'm done...It's my time, and you all need me, and you know what, if you're in an alliance with someone you better be nice, because in the end you really might need 'em."

Sure enough, obsessed with making it her own call and shedding the label of Tyson's lap dog, Monica went to Tina and Ciera about the possibility of going after Gervase. 

At Tribal Council, Monica was still torn saying, "You just feel like you want to die inside...And tonight is MY strategic move...for Monica, and not anybody else."

And with that declaration Gervase said, "My heart just dropped out my chest."

Because Monica didn't seem to be able to hold her cards quietly, Tyson gave his Hidden Immunity Idol to Gervase.

However, Monica actually ended up going with Tyson and Gervase and voted Ciera out, and was pissed that Tyson gave up his Idol to Gervase without cluing her in first.

The final Immunity Challenge required the competitors to go through obstacle course, collect puzzle bags, go down water slide, solve puzzle, and then undo a puzzle lock.

Stepping up his game, Tyson won Immunity again, guarantying himself a spot in final Tribal Council.

While Monica had a chance to make a big move and eliminate Gervase to shed the perception that she was just Tyson's lap dog and go along with her numerous competition victories, she once again decided to stay with the status quo and voted out Tina.

Sadly, Monica just seemed content to make it to the final three...and to talk about herself in the third person.

"It's just amazing, the final three, and Monica did it without Brad, and without her safety net, and without anybody else...And the mom found herself, and became Monica again."

And with that we flash back twenty-five years...Where Monica Culpepper was attached to her husband Brad's side like a lap dog.

At the Final Tribal Council, Gervase delivered a confusing speech where he claimed that he went from being an old school player to a new school player, which did little to explain why people shouldn't view him as a terrible player.

Monica did her best to explain how she was not Tyson and Gervase's dog on a leash, saying that she elected to stay with them "because I have less blood on my hands, and less broken promises,"thereby making it seem like she simply road their coattails.

Meanwhile, Tyson claimed that he was target "numero uno from the get go," which forced him to make strategic moves and win challenges when he had to.

The three remaining finalists then took questions from the Jury.

Katie confronted Tyson about his comment where he said that he didn't do anything in the game out of malice, pointing out how he faked consoling her and then maliciously told her to head to the Jury after she lost out by drawing the odd rock.

Caleb asked Monica to tell him something from her heart that was not calculated. In response, she cried and told him how she had always been ashamed of just being Brad Culpepper's fuck toy.

Tyson told Ciera how he considered himself a hero, not a villain, clearly changing America's perception of him in the process.

Tina asked each finalist for one word to describe themselves. Gervase went with "honorable," Monica said "generous," and Tyson called himself, "fun loving"...Only Monica answered that question correctly.

Laura M. asked Monica a tough question about showing her true self, which actually probably did Monica more good than anything else.

And while Monica put up a good fight, Tyson ended up winning, and as much as I hate to admit it because he's a fucking douche, deservedly so.

At the Reunion Show, even Jeff Probst seemed surprised that Tyson won saying, "Not that I don't like the other Tyson..I like seeing this guy that can clearly form a sentence, can stay on track, and has a beautiful girlfriend."

That caused Tyson to concur, "Yeah, I hate that guy," referring to himself and concurring with all of America.

Jeff Probst did commend Ciera for playing her own game and not being content to ride somebody else's coattails...Like Monica. "For those watching at home, that is how you play, you don't play for four!"

Rupert claimed that he had no regrets about sacrificing his own game for his wife's. "I love the game, but my wife comes first."

Fortunately for his wife Laura, Rupert was cool with her having revealed that she had a penis. "And she did good!"

Hayden revealed that he and Kat were still together, even though she got a Kate Gosselin haircut.

Of course, it probably helped that Kat Edorsson revealed that she got fake boobs after the show.

Sadly, we also learned that Tina's son died in a car accident shortly after she returned home because he wasn't wearing seat belt.

Finally, it was announced that the next season of Survivor would be Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty, which sounds a lot like there's going to be returning players.

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "And Gervase is no star in the water!"

After pulling off the impossible and getting Ciera to change her vote at Tribal Council last week, Hayden was shocked that he was still alive.

"I'm fighting for my life in the game, and the very next moment we're drawing rocks and I realized, this worked!"

Because he tipped Ciera off that she was on the ass end of their alliance, Tyson was pissed at Gervase, who tends to let emotion dictate his actions and words.

Gervase Peterson is a Survivor legend in his own mind.

"You can't ever let the person on the bottom know they're going home, that's Survivor 101. You have to give them hope, you have to tell them somebody else's name."

With Katie joining her mom at Redemption Island, Tina seemed conflicted saying, "It's one thing to go against you in that battling ram thing. It's another thing here at the end...I would not be opposed to letting you win"

However, unlike Ciera, Katie loves her mom, and told Tina to play her hardest at the Redemption Challenge.

The Redemption Challenge itself required the contestants to tie sticks together to make a pole, retrieve a series of keys, and open locks.

With Laura winning yet another elimination challenge, Ciera told her mother how she loved her...But only because she needed the clue to the Immunity Idol that she thought was back in play.

Electing to compete her hardest, Tina soundly defeated her daughter for second place, sending Katie to the Jury, but not after completing a much needed diet.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of diving in the water and moving a buoy through an obstacle course, retrieving a bag of puzzle pieces, and solving a letter puzzle.

Gervase pulled out to a solid lead for second to last place, causing Jeff Probst to exclaim, "Gervase is even beating Ciera, and Gervase is no star in the water," which was just another way of saying, "Gervase is black!"

So let me get this straight...Ciera can come from behind and win a Survivor Immunity Challenge puzzle, but she couldn't figure out one of those circular day coded birth control packets during high school?

However, in a role reversal from high school, Ciera was the one who came from behind and won Immunity.

In addition to Immunity, Ciera also won a personal menu selection for both herself and a friend. And with Hayden joining her for cheeseburgers and pizza, Katie was disappointed that she got voted out just one week too early.

Ciera tried to get Monica to flip against Tyson and Gervase, telling her how Tyson was calling her his "puppy."

Sure enough, that caused Monica to cry as she said it was now "a me game," as she realized that she was the swing vote.

On the other hand, Gervase said "I have not doubt in my mind she's not going to sway."

Of course, Gervase also told Hayden that he was definitely going home last week and that he was "the greatest reality star" before the season began, so we have to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

Tribal Council Monica admitted that what Ciera told her hurt, and that "a new side of me has come out."

Testing her on that comment, Hayden tried to punch Monica right in her lady parts.

"The perception that I have and that Ciera has is that you're Tyson's lapdog, and that he's using you all the way to the end. You know Brad's going to see that, your kids are going to see that, and right now is a time when you can show everybody that you're a strong independent woman."

However, Hayden didn't realize that Monica had withstood much stronger sexual poundings than that from Brad, and she went along with Tyson and Gervase to vote Hayden out 3-2.

And with Hayden headed to Exile Island and the season finale coming up this Sunday, America was left to wonder...When the fuck is the last person to win a Redemption Challenge going to rejoin the game?

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "I don't have pockets, so I have to put it right in my crotch, where nobody will suspect a bulge"

After his closest ally got voted to Redemption Island last week, Hayden congratulated Tyson on his blindside of Caleb.

In an attempt shake things up, Hayden went to say, "I hope everybody here likes second place...Because if Tyson goes to the end, he's winning. Because he's playing one hell of a game, pure poetry."

Like an idiot, Gervase jumped in yelling, "Hey, hey, hey hey! Tyson can't do nothing if it wasn't for me! Tyson wouldn't be where he's at if it wasn't for me!"

Of course, Gervase Peterson probably should have saved that for his jury speech, because that was pretty much the same as yelling, "You guys better vote me out too!"

While Tyson's brain may not have liked Hayden putting a target on him like that, his ego did.

"I didn't really like how Hayden threw me under the bus...It was nice to hear, but it does put a little bit of a target on my back. I wish I hadn't played the Idol."

Upon arriving at the Redemption Challenge Caleb whined about getting blindsided at the last tribal Council.

Forgetting that he had disregarded his "southern gentleman" handshake with Brad Culpepper earlier in the season, Caleb complained, "A man's word is a man's word, and in the south it means something, and in the game of Survivor and Utah and Philly it just doesn't mean as much."

Then again, the guy who made it a point to bring his University of Alabama hat onto the show probably shouldn't get a vote on loyalty until after he's on the break-up end of a relationship with Nick $aban...That should give Caleb Bankston about one more week before he can talk.

Of course, Gervase aptly pointed out how Caleb "tried to do us dirty first, so we got smart and did it to them before they did it to us, so I think that's sore loser status there."

The Redemption Challenge was a race to build house of cards either 8 feet tall or whoever had the highest one after 30 minutes.

Laura M. won easily, and gave the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol to her daughter Ciera, who decided to keep it.

And while Tina blew her big lead for second place with just three minutes remaining, Caleb inexplicably tried to keep building his house and was eliminated from the show when his tower collapsed with just 30 seconds left despite a safe advantage.

Jeff Probst commended Caleb on his game saying, "I'm guessing you impressed a lot of people with your work ethic and the way you handled Colton."

Jeff then did his best to convince Caleb that he was too good for Colton by adding, "Your relationship is still a mystery to me."

And when Jeff asked Caleb how similar he and Colton were, Caleb could only respond, "We're both guys, even though his estrogen level is probably a bit higher than mine."

As other players commend Laura on her amazing success in Redemption Challenges, her daughter Ciera said, "This is the first Redemption Island I've gone to where I was like, "Mom you better pull this one out.'"

Of course, it wasn't out of loyalty to her mother (who stuck by her despite one or two teen pregnancies) that she was pulling for her, but because she knew the Hidden Immunity Idol was back in play and she just wanted the clue.

Not realizing that she was number four of four in their alliance, Ciera shared her clue with Gervase, Tyson and Monica.

Of course, Hayden and Katie decide to spy on her, and saw them looking in trees near the well, which tipped them off to where the Idol might be hidden.

Of course, Hayden was standing right under the tree with the Idol but didn't realize it. That allowed Tyson to later climb up that same tree and find the Idol.

Deciding to stay silent about the Idol and keep it for himself, what Tyson lacked in chivalry, he made up for in logic.

"I don't have pockets, so I have to put it right in my crotch, where nobody will suspect a bulge."

Tyson Apostol is right, if there's one place on him where nobody will suspect a bulge, it's in his crotch.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of navigating an obstacle course while balancing a ball on top of lengths of pole, and then tossing sandbags to knock down pins once they successfully made it through the course.

Gervase won Immunity, as well as a reward of an ice cream social. He then elected to take Monica and Tyson with him, leaving Ciera hanging on the ass end...Just like when she was in high school.

Ciera Eastin

And as Ciera stood and watched the rest of her alliance eat ice cream, the former teen hellion sadly asked, "Is that a beer?" Fortunately for Tyson, Gervase and Monica it was only root beer, and Ciera forgave them.

Still, even after being slighted by her alliance, Ciera made it known that she had no intention of flipping.

"Part of my strategy has been making Hayden and Katie feel like they have a glimmer of hope, but I have no intention of doing anything with Hayden and Katie." 

And as Tyson walked up, Hayden matter of factly said to him, "I'm just sitting here trying to convince everybody to blindside you, but it hasn't worked...You know I love you, but I'm just trying to play the game."

At Tribal Council, Hayden tried to convince the others that Tyson was running the game. Jeff Probst even chimed in, reminding Ciera how she was the one alliance member left out of the ice cream social.

However, all was well until Monica fucked up and told Ciera not to join Hayden and and Katie because "fourth is better than sixth," flat out telling her where she stood.

That gave Hayden an in, who quickly pointed out to Ciera, "If you came on this side there is no four, five or six, there's one, two and three."

Realizing that his alliance was caving in faster than Michael Jackson's face, Gervase interjected, "That's incorrect!" Of course, Hayden indignantly retorted, "What do you mean that's incorrect?!!?"

And when Gervase tried to remind Ciera that they were the "honest ones," everyone in the jury just started laughing at him.

Gervase then made things even worse by saying, "There is no jumping ship in this alliance, it's one, two, three and four, as he pointed directly at Ciera at "four."

And while Gervase started yelling, "Hayden, guess what, you're going on the jury. Believe that! You're going on the jury," Hayden calmly looked at Ciera and whispered, "Monica."

Then, in the middle of one of the most heated Tribal Council's ever, Tyson had to make things weird.

That caused Jeff Probst to say, "That is the craziest conversation before a potential $1 mil vote that I've ever heard." 

Writing down "Hay done," Gervase said, "Don't hate the players homie, hate the game. This isn't Big Brother, it's Survivor. We do things different here, and you're about to get a lesson in how to play the game."

Meanwhile, Hayden continued to whisper into Ciera's ear about voting for Monica, which helped him produce a tie 3-3 vote between Monica and himself when he finally convinced Ciera to flip.

That caused Tyson to demand of Ciera, "What are you doing?", to which she replied, "Don't glare at me!"

When the re-vote (with Monica and Hayden sitting out) came back 2-2, Jeff explained what would happen for just the second time in twenty-two seasons.

Unless those voting could unanimously choose who to send home, Hayden and Monica would both be safe, and the rest contestants would have to draw rocks to see who would randomly be eliminated.

With Ciera telling her alliance, "Tell me I'm number four and vote my way, or I'm drawing rocks," Gervase, who had Individual Immunity, egged her on.

In the end, it was Katie who drew the lone white rock.

And while that turned out to be a miraculous turn of events for Hayden, it sent Katie Redemption Island to be reunited with her mother, who unlike Ciera, she actually liked.

2013 ACA Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Listen to Country Music

I don't listen to country music, but that's not going to stop me from making my third annual predictions for the ACM's. No, make that the CMT's. Wait, that's not it either? Is it the CMA's? No, well how about the ACA's then?

Okay, I'm still going to try and predict the winners for whatever country music awards show that happens to be airing this week with the same nominees simply bouncing from network to network...Kind of like Lorrie Morgan used to to do with male country music singers back in the 80's and 90's. 

Hoping to find the right combination between sex appeal and racism, Fox's version of features Danica Patrick and Trace Adkins as hosts. 

Danica Patrick signing some random dude's tits...Who says the south isn't becoming more progressive?

You may remember Adkins from his appearance on Donald Trump's The Apprentice, or his non-apology for wearing a confederate flag ear plug...At a Christmas tree lighting ceremony. 

Then again, much like the South, Jesus kind of looked the other way when it came to slavery.

So put on your best vintage Confederate flag t-shirt, hop into your favorite pickup truck with a plastic nut sack dangling from the trailer hitch, and enjoy one of the five biggest nights that country music has to offer along with the largest collection of people who first went to Chick-fil-A thinking it was a strip club, but kept coming back because they fell in love with the chicken.

2013 ACA Winners? The Florida-Georgia Line: It's not racist if you just really liked the group Alabama, but it IS racist if you really, really like the state of Alabama.

Artist of the Year

Taylor Swift – I really don't think people are even all that entertained by her personal life anymore, but if they were (hypothetically speaking of course), isn't the next logical step for Taylor Swift to start dating Kanye West and then write a revenge song about it?

Jason Aldean – This guy was said to exhibit his "hip-hop influence" by rapping on his single Dirt Road Anthem, which was really just a dumbed down version of Gin and Juice for white people.

The Florida-Georgia Line – In a recent interview, this rap infused country duo said they considered Garth Brooks a "classic throwback" country artist, which pretty much sums up everything that's wrong with country music these days.

I'm not really sure what's going on here. If Atlanta, is the home of guys who get crunk and the dirty south, then The Florida-Georgia Line must be the home of guys who get drunk and dirty their shorts.

Blake Shelton – Talk about an artist, I don't think Blake Shelton is even recording music anymore, but he's been as entertaining and adorable as anyone on NBC's "The Voice" this side of Cee Lo Green on a "Molly" bender.

Luke Bryan – Sadly, his hit song Tailgates and Tanlines wasn't about spring break at Daytona Beach. It was about having butt sex with Danica Patrick.

And the winner is...It's gotta be Jason Aldean, right?

The John Deere hat and Sunset Strip t-shirt and goatee just scream "hip-hop" roots...if "hip-hop" roots means Panama City, Florida.

I mean the last time I got suckered into going to the redneck bar all they did was play a mix of country and hip-hop. I also almost got thrown out by the manager for trying to stand up for an African-American guy that night, but that's a whole other story.

In any event, like it or not, rap and country are slowly merging into a genre called "hick-hop." Because that's is the next logical step in music, right?

Male Artist of the Year

Jason Aldean – Alright, I can't quite get over a country singer rapping and proclaiming that he was influenced by hip-hop and acting like he has invented some sort of new "Hick-Hop" genre. On top of that, how the Hell do you get nominated for "Country Male Vocalist" when you're a wanna be white rapper from Macon, Georgia?

Not only was Dirt Road Anthem the worst attempt at rapping that I've ever heard in my life, but somewhere in rural Oklahoma the lead singer from the Smoking Armadillos is cursing his former agent and looking to kick Jason Aldean's ass.

The Smoking Armadillos - I'm a Cowboy

Luke Bryan – Born the youngest son to a poor peanut farmer in rural Georgia, Luke Bryan was able to overcome being on the ass end of the Georgia peanut baron hierarchy and become the most successful peanut refugee that state has ever seen since Billy Carter.

Blake Shelton – Blake Shelton will be performing his new song, She has a Face That I Want to Log-on. Oh wait, I just made that up. His real hit song is I'm Singin' a Blue Song, But Livin' in a Red State...Gotcha, I made that one up too! This is easy, I think I'm moving to Nashville!

Kenny Chesney – Riding the success of his new hit single S-E-C! S-E-C!, everybody seems to like this guy. With his cowboy hats, wife beaters and a questionable relationship with Peyton Manning, he’s the southern version of Brody Jenner.

Eric Church – If you're going to give someone a country music award, shouldn't you give it to someone to embraces old school "outlaw" country and advocates the legalization of marijuana like Eric Church or Jamie Johnson? Or as I like to ask, "What would Willie Do?"

What Would Willie Nelson Do? I think he'd go with Eric Church and Smoke a Little Smoke. 

And the winner is...Luke Bryan. Unfortunately for Eric Church, country music has gotten so bubble-gummy that even groups like The Florida-Georgia Line call Garth Brooks an example of "classic throwback country."

Female Artist of the Year

Miranda Lambert – Miranda Lambert's video for "The Fastest Girl in Town" was hugely popular in the South. Not only did it star NASCAR driver Danica Patrick, but the song was written about Lambert's biggest rival, Taylor Swift.

Danica Patrick in ASSCAR: The Ballad of Ricky Stenhouse's Boobies.

Sheryl Crow – Talk about sell-outs, first it was Hootie, now it's Cheryl Crow...Honestly, Mindy McCready has a better chance of making a career comeback than Cheryl Crow, and she's dead.

Mindy McCready's life was such a waste...Her dog didn't even get to eat her corpse.

Taylor Swift - Alright, if Kanye West really is happily engaged to the "Ass-tastrophy" that has become Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift needs to get it over with and re-make George Strait's "All My Exes Live in Texas," if not just for shits and giggles.

Carrie Underwood – I bet if I told you that a female celebrity dated Tony Romo, a Gossip Girl (sadly, it was one of the Gossip Guys), and a pro hockey player, you would have probably guessed that it was Alyssa Milano. In actuality, it was Carrie Underwood.

Not only is Underwood one of the South's hottest country stars, but she just got done delivering a live TV performance of The Sound of Music, which nearly every critic agreed was simply fantastic and better than the original.

Carrie Underwood as Maria in The Sound of Music? Talk about pissing on Julie Andrew's grave.

Kelly Clarkson – Kelly Clarkson at a country music awards show is kind of like nominating Jason Aldean for a BET award for best rapper...Except for the part where Kelly Clarkson actually gets invited to the country music awards show.

And the winner is...Carrie Underwood! After all, she is the Janet Jones of the south now that she's forced star hockey player Mike Fisher to get traded from Ottawa to Nashville, much to the chagrin of all of Canada. Seriously...Canada should be talking about this more!

Vocal Group or Duo of the Year

Zac Brown Band – The CMA's are reaching. Just because the Zac Brown Band is from the South, it doesn't mean these guys are country. I mean, they even played Bonnaroo for Christ's sake.

The Band Perry – I may or may not have watched these guys play at a local dive bar the other night for a $2 cover charge...

Little Big Town – The love child of Jason Aldean's singles Hicktown and the group Big Green Tractor, I think these guys might have opened up for The Band Perry the other night.

Lady Antebellum – A group named after the pre-Civil War South, or as they say in the South, the good ol' days. Somewhere the ghost of Alexander Stephens is humming bars to Dixie in approval of Lady Antebellum as he plots ways to haunt Jason Aldean from his grave.

Rascal Flatts - Still riding a wave of success after being the 8th group to remake Tom Cochrane’s Life is a Highway...Way to make it your own Rascal!

And the winner is.....The Lady Perry Band.

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "Teenage mom, hell raiser. She can look in your eyes and lie better than anybody"

Upon arriving at the Redemption Challenge, Laura M. cried about her daughter Ciera voting her out, but added, "I'm proud of her. We knew one of us was going to have to vote the other one out."

Actually...That's not necessarily the way things had to work, but Ciera Eastin had no problem hanging her mother out to dry for her own personal gain. 

However, while Ciera thought voting out her mom would show her loyalty to her alliance, Tyson saw her ability to stab her own mom in the back as a sign of strength...And he didn't like it.

The Redemption Challenge itself involved running cubes through a rope maze and then stack them to solve puzzle.

Much to Ciera's dismay, her mother ended up winning. Laura M. then helped Tina come from behind to win second place, much to the dismay of Vytas.

In fact, when Laura M tried to congratulate him after the contest by saying "good try," Vytas refused her shake her hand saying, "No," realizing that her help to Tina meant that he would be heading back home...Or make that heading back to being homeless.

Laura M. continued the trend of giving the clue to someone the Redemption Challenge winner hated, electing to give it to her daughter Ciera, who promptly burned it.

Hayden and Colton approached Ciera to target Tyson, but she promptly narced them out showing more loyalty to a clown like Tyson than her own mother.

And while Ciera told Hayden and Caleb that she was down with their plan to back door Tyson, Hayden noticed how she had run off with Tyson to get tree mail and wouldn't even look him in the eye, so he started to scramble.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to hold a bucket with 25% of their body weight the longest.

However, those who felt comfortable enough not to compete could elect to sit out and feast on steak and chicken as long as the competition was ongoing.

In a tell tale sign of who was running the game, Gervase, Tyson and Ciera all elected to sit out and eat instead of competing for Immunity.

Worse yet, Tyson arrogantly rubbed it in the face of the others, saying, "Delicious to the taste and very desirable" when asked how his feast tasted.

"Delicious to the taste and very desirable?" Tyson Apostol and Gervase Peterson giving new meaning to the term "Sausage Fest."

Monica once again chose starvation...

Monica Culpepper: Only this time it was for Immunity instead of fake boobs and an ex-NFL player.

Hayden and Caleb tried to save themselves confronting Tyson and telling him that Ciera had told them that he was planning on back dooring him, which wasn't true.

However, Tyson seemed to buy it and consulted with Gervase about who to vote out, who also saw Ciera as a threat from her past experiences in life.

"Teenage mom, hell raiser. She can look in your eyes and lie better than anybody."

When asked at Tribal Council why she felt comfortable enough to eat instead of competing for Immunity, Ciera said, "I'd rather not play and eat, than lose and not eat," forgetting that their was a third option...Winning.

However, when asked by Jeff Probst, "Ciera, would it be shocked if it was you?", she replied by saying, "I would totally, I would be completely shocked."

And while their was enough distrust in the game to cause Tyson to needlessly play his Idol, Caleb was voted out over Ciera, setting up for some interesting dynamic around the tribe for next week's episode.