The Bachelorette Blog - "You guys missed out, the single dad from Texas - Hi Hollywood!"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with Des and the guys heading to Munich, Germany.

Chris revealed that it was Desiree's first trip to Europe, you know, because poor people who grew up in trailers can't afford international travel.

Having received the first date card, Chris read it in what appeared to be fluid German, "Das ist nicht eine Boobie!!"




Meanwhile, a jealous and bitchy Bryden not only decided that he was going to go home, but that he needed to find Des and tell her...While she was on her date with Chris

Before Bryden arrived, Desiree Hartsock and Chris were sucking on wieners like they were bratwurst.

Bryden then proceeded to wander the streets of Munich asking locals whether or not they've seen two people being followed by a bunch of television cameras.

He then showed why he couldn't get into college after high school when he said, "I really hope it doesn't ruin those guys date together."

Interesting...Bryden Vukasin gets a slightly cooler bowl cut, and suddenly he thinks he can do better than Desiree Hartsock (you also can't help but notice all of the protein powder he takes in the background).

With Desiree in tears and worried that her guys would start leaving her, Chris assured her that he was in it until the end, and that he wouldn't abandon her...Unlike her father.

With their date going on into the wee hours, Chris was happier than an 8-year-old on a sleep over.

"I don't have to worry about what time I go to bed, I don't have to worry about brushing my teeth, I don't have to worry about anything!"

Chris, who's my frontrunner to win this season, also gushed about Desiree and why he was falling for her.

"She is intelligent, she can throw a football, she's witty."

That made Desiree Hartsock a pretty good consolation prize, considering that this season's Bachelorette didn't turn out to be Jesse Palmer as he had hoped.

With Chris receiving a Rose, the Group Date involved a cable car ride up to the top of a mountain in the Alps overlooking Germany and Austria where they met a professional yodeler.

That caused a linguistically challenged Don Pablo to ask, "There's this guy who's juggler, he's juggler? I don't even know how to say it...Yodeler."

Meanwhile, Mikey T. sang the chorus from "Laid" by the singer James.

As Des and the guys prepared to sled down Germany's highest peak Drew said, "You know that something seriously bad  can happen here," You know, because the injury prone Brooks was on the date.

Zak Waddell and his glowing teeth was particularly happy while working his stick.

After going to a snow motel, or as Drew called it, an "igloo hotel" (Personally, I would have gone with "Snowtel"), Brooks took Des to bed where they shared a kiss.

 Meanwhile Mikey T. made her a snow penis before Zak W. interrupted them by singing from afar.

Unlike Zak Waddell's penis, Mkey Tenerelli's is very white...and curved.

And while James made out with Des too, Brooks ended up getting the Group Date Rose in the end.

...While James Case ended up stealing  Desiree's scarf.

That left Michael G. and Ben to go on the dreaded 2-on-1 "loser leaves town" date.

Michael decided to get himself pumped up early. "So, in this competitive gladiator style setting, I need to now go and murder Ben."

Of, never having watched The Bachelor or The Bachelorette before, Michael G. decided to use the 2-on-1 to talk badly about Ben instead of trying to bond with Des himself, which is always a recipe for going home.

"I am an attorney...I do have certain trial tactics when it comes to cross-examining and impeaching someone...Today Ben will be found guilty of fraud and impersonation of a southern gentleman."

Michael G., Ben and Desiree Hartsock also rode in a Hot Tub Time Machine, which transported them back to a point in time when knitted hats were cool for girls to wear.

And even though Des warned Michael G. to back off, he still continued to attack Ben further, lashing out about his failure to attend church with the guys on Easter, and criticizing him as a father for coming on the show.

That finally caused Ben to step outside during dinner in order to cool off, because for the first time in his life, his faith had been questioned.

...Ben Scott, the spiritual guy who owns a bar called The Trophy Room, which is described as an "upscale" Dallas sports bar with a mechanical bull, if there is such a thing.

Based upon the potential of a future together, Des gave the 2-on-1 Date Rose to Michael G., much to his own surprise.

A bitter and irate Ben then let his true intentions known. "You guys better be really careful on who fucking makes it in, you're not gonna have a Bachelor. You guys missed out, the single dad from Texas - Hi Hollywood!"

Here's Ben Scott posing as The Bachelor before he ever came on The Bachelorette.

That caused Ben to say, "Let's go," to the limo driver before asking him, "Where are we getting drunk, lets have some fun tonight," and, "How long do I have to wait before I can be seen in public with somebody? Because I don't want to wait!"



Back at the hotel, Mikey T. and James tried to continue their secret love affair, only they were overheard by Kasey and Drew.

James Case has a thing for dimples...Face dimples, ass dimples...They're all the same.

That conversation consisted of James talking to Mikey T. about going home to Chicago together and macking on chicks, with James also saying that he had a good chance of becoming the next Bachelor.

Not yet aware that James and Mikey T. were contemplating running off together, Des talked to Chris Harrison about her guy Holocaust while in Germany. "I feel great about the guys that are here."

In fact, she was so confident that she went on to waive the Cocktail Party since she had already made up her mind, essentially shitting in Jeremy's Easter basket since he was planning on ratting James out.

Jeremy surprisingly got the second to last Rose leaving Mikey T. and James as the last two guys standing without a Rose, proving that Desiree's not as dumb as Mikey T. and James look.

The final Rose went to James. That cause Mikey T. to lament, "It doesn't make sense to me....She's never going to know the guy she missed out on."

But sadly for Mikey Tenerelli, being a womanizing plumber who moonlights as a male stripper at bachelorette parties does not necessarily qualify you to be on The Bachelorette.

The Bachelorette Blog - "She's like this mystical creature, she's like the unicorn"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with Chris Harrison announcing that Des and her thirteen remaining guys would be touring the world together.

First stop, Atlantic City, NJ...Because apparently the rest of the world was already booked that weekend.

Kasey exclaimed, "This place is awesome, it's kind of like Las Vegas on the ocean,"...Only in New Jersey...in the middle of winter...and with more dudes from New Jersey and less professional whores.

Brad, the gay single dad with a restraining order against him received the first 1-on-1 Date.

And while he was really good at going on rides at the boardwalk, Brad proved that he was incapable of talking to women, or for that matter, probably anyone.

Realizing that Brad was just another pretty gay man with a history of domestic violence, Des made him walk all the way up to the top of a lighthouse where she immediately dumped him, forcing him to walk all the way back down alone.

Desiree told Brad, "You are going to find someone amazing, who will complete your family," which in the worst case scenario for him is a Court Protective Service Worker, or in the best case scenario, a dude.

The Group Date consisted of a trip to the Jersey Shore Boardwalk, which was a big hit with Mike, Ronnie, Vinny and Paulie D.

Brooks was clearly happy to see Dez. "She's like this mystical creature, she's like the unicorn. She shows up every once in a while and is here for 10 seconds then is gone, and usually with another guy."

In actuality, they went to the site of Miss America pageant, where the 11 dudes on the date had to compete for the the title of what Des called "The Bachelorette's Mr. America Pageant."

The guys were assisted by reigning Miss America, Malory Hytes-Hagan, who taught them how to let themselves go immediately after winning their TV show.

I don't know what Malory Hytes-Hagan looked like before she won the Miss America Pageant, but she sure is fat now and her bleach blond hair has some really bad roots.

With a set of props to use for their talent contest, Des asked if anyone could twirl a baton. Sure enough, the mysterious Juan Pablo grabbed it, gave it professional twirl and catch, and then winked a the camera.

And to think, I didn't think that Juan Pablo was manly because he was a soccer player.

In addition to the talent competition, there was also a swimsuit competition, with each guy pre-assigned the particular style and swimsuit they would be wearing on stage.

Sure enough, juice head Mikey Tenerelli practically begged to wear a Speedo. Fortunately for America, Desiree had already assigned him a more palatable pair of board shorts.

"To my dismay, the bathing suit I was chosen to wear was actually bigger than the one I brought. I was a little disappointed I wasn't going to able to show everything off."

Surprisingly, when the Interview portion of the pageant kicked off Mikey seemed to do a 180 when he was asked what women don't understand about men.

"I'm tired of being a piece of meat, I wanted to get my message across that I'm sensitive"...Said the guy who was literally volunteering to trade swimsuits so he could wear a banana hammock to show off his junk. 

Mikey Tenerelli also wants women to know that guys like him also like to wear shirts that are two sizes too small so they can show off their boobs.

On the other hand, Brooks owned his answer leading to Desiree's approval, showing it wasn't how manly you answer, but how confidently you did so.

When it came time for the talent contest, guys like Mikey T., Chris and Ben didn't seem to realize that dancing around shirtless isn't really considered a talent unless. That is, unless you're Ryan Lochte. 

That's when things went from gay to gayer.

Is it really considered dressing in drag when the only feminine clothing that Chris was wearing was a pair of high heels?

And as disturbing as his performance was, at least we finally figured out Mikey T's real career was.

...And what Bryden Vukasin's career wasn't.

And keep in mind, all of this took place for the actual swimsuit competition even began.

I'm not sure of Miss America's specific rule on "stuffing," but it sure looks like Ben took extra care to make sure his package is protected in case he or one of the other guys accidentally drop it.

Kasey displayed the most talent, or at least he had enough showmanship to fake it.

That made him the first winner of "The Bachelorette's Mr. America."

...And even if he goes home early, Kasey will always have this Bachelorette moment frozen in time that he can frame and hang on his mantle.

Never one to let an opportunity for a good ole' pool party to pass, Des took the guys straight from the swimsuit competition to a post date pool party.

Desiree Hartsock: Despite her killer bikini bod, early reports suggest that most of the guys weren't really all that into her, citing that she's too boring.

While Chris pulled Des aside to read her a poem and got a kiss, Zak W. played her the rest of his original song on acoustic guitar that he played at the Talent Competition and got a Rose.

Zak Waddell: With his propensity to take off his shirt to show his abs and his acoustic guitar, Zak Waddell is an Ed Hardy shirt away from the Triple Crown of douche-baggery...In other words, he way just be the perfect guy for a girl from a trailer park like Desiree Hartsock.

Not to be outdone, Ben showed Des his bitchin' seashell necklace...No, he didn't give it to her, but he did show it to her.

Ben made sure to position himself for the camera to show off his guns and some sort of bad tat or stab wound on his left side.

Not only did James get the final 1-on-1 Date, but he took full advantage of having the Mansion/hotel all to himself by taking a very masculine bubble bath and eating chocolate covered strawberries.

James Case: Can you say "The next Bachelor?" Me neither.

Not only did Des take James to tour the hurricane ravaged Jersey Shore from the air, but it marked the triumphant return of The Batch-Copter!

James revealed it would be his very first helicopter ride, while Des indicated she had, noting how this wasn't the first time she'd been on one of the shows in The Bachelor franchise

Des and James went on to visit a rich old couple who had tragically just lost their fully insured million dollar beachfront vacation home.

Or as the old man said, "This is all our life here...We bought this place in 2007."

The old lady was more star-struck, having been stuck with the cast of Jersey Shore over the past several years. "I can't believe this...We never see stars,"

Apparently unable to do the math to determine that it was merely a middle school relationship, Des questioned James' ability to remain loyal after he told her cheated on his girlfriend of five and a half years during his freshman year of college.

Des and James later caught back up with the old couple for a private concert by Hootie, who recently changed genre to big band music.

Back at the hotel, Des and Chris made a pledge to stay "friends forever," which immediately made Chris exclaim, "Are we in the friend zone right now? Dammit!"

That caused Des to re-assure him by saying, "Friends don't kiss." You know, because kissing is clearly saved for men who hit you where Des comes from.

D

I can't help but notice that like Brooks, Michael G. apparently suffered a broken thumb, but with none of the drama.

Bryden seemed to be the first girl, I mean guy to crack over the pressure of having to share Des with the other guys.

"If she offered me the rose, I'm not sure I would accept it...The feelings that were there, aren't." But after a dramatic pause, Bryden accepted Desiree's offer of a rose at the Rose Ceremony.

Juice Crew founder Mikey T. received the final Rose, which quite simply just reflects poorly upon Desiree's character for keeping him around this long.

That left Zack  K. as the only guy without a Rose and saying, "I'm shocked, I don't know why this happened."

Of course, so was the rest of America...But only because nobody knew who the fuck he was.

The Bachelorette Blog - "We've been through a lot of bad things, you threw rocks at my face!"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with a Group Date that consisted of a bunch of muscle bound guys who'd never participated in any type of athletics playing dodgeball against each other.

That caused Michael G. to say, "It's only a matter of time before the ambulance arrives and someone has a broken face."

Sure enough, Brooks managed to hurt his finger, which ultimately caused him to pass out and be taken to the hospital via the Bachelor's very own Medevac helicopter.

Brooks got hurt during the dodgeball game, causing Des to ask, "Is that a penis on your finger, or are you just happy to see me?"

Brad pulled Desiree aside at the cocktail party after the game to confess that not only did he have a three-year-old kid, but that his ex had him arrested for domestic violence just two years earlier (of course, if you listen to Brad it was all HER fault).

Pleased with his confession, and apparently hoping that Des really did grow up in a domestic violence filled trailer park, Brad almost seemed to consider his confession as a positive.

"I think I opened up as much as I possibly could, and I would love a Rose."

Kind of like a zombie returning from the dead, or at least a soccer player, Brooks miraculously returned from the hospital still dressed up in his dodgeball outfit.

Keep in mind that Brooks Forester ended up leaving the dodge ball game to go to the hospital for a broken finger...Unfortunately, due to some unforseen complications and Obamacare, Brooks didn't make it.

Despite Brooks' semi-heroic return, it was Chris who earned the Group Date rose for not only standing out in dodgeball, but for finding a secluded rooftop that he took Des to as a romantic gesture.

Ironically, while that rooftop had a helicopter landing pad, the "Batch-Copter" never arrived.

After the Group Date, Chris Harrison called Des with some absolutely unbelievable news...Apparently one of her suitors had a girlfriend, which left Des, the house, and all of America in shock.

And with the douche-bag lottery weighted heavily towards steroid guys who wear pink shirts, it was Brian, the cross-eyed financial planner from Baltimore who uses steroids and wears pink shirts with his sleeves rolled up to distinguish himself who ended up winning.

No, my this is not distortion from my camera, and it's not the latest member of Russell Hantz's family to appear on a reality TV show. It's Brian Jarosinski, the first disproportionate dwarf to appear an a dating show since Midget Mac was on VH-1's I Love New York 2.

And as Des quizzed him to promote her new hit single "For The Right Reasons," Brian remained in denial. That is, until his current ex-girlfriend Stephanie came storming in.

And as soon as his girlfriend Stephanie walked in, Brian Jarosinski made the "Oh Shit" face, indicating that he knew he had been busted.

And while Chris Harrison then spent the next 5 minutes trying to get Stephanie to shut up as she read her script flawlessly while ripping into Brian, she did make a convincing case to appear on the next installment of The Bachelor Pad.

Not only did Brian's Klingon girlfriend Stephanie Larimore reveal that Brian lied to her about coming onto The Bachelorette, but that they slept together in the final days before he left to come on the show under the pretext that it was just a business trip.

Trying to scramble to stay on the show, Brian made a last ditched attempt to try and downplay their relationship.

"We've been through a lot of bad things, you threw rocks at my face," which actually explains a lot...Like why Brian seemed unable to open his left eye.

Ultimately, things ended poorly for Brian, with Desiree telling him that there was no fucking way she was going to let him stay on the show...Mainly because her brother would have liked him way too much.

Not surprisingly, Brian and Stephanie are reportedly back together.

More surprisingly, it turns out Brian's ex/current girlfriend Stephanie Larimore is a former Playboy Playmate who dated a former Bachelor contestant, Craig Robinson from Season 6...She and Brian couldn't possibly have staged this for publicity, could they?

Brian's departure was almost too much for a sexually confused Brandon to handle. "I've had a lot of men come into my life...and I've fallen in love with them, and they're just gone, and that really sucked."

Brandon may have had a hard time dealing with Brian leaving the show...But at least we know that ex-child stars Corey Feldman and Corey Haim were able to reproduce together before they both tragically died.

Going on a 1-on-1 Date with a girl immediately after she busted a contestant on The Bachelorette has to be akin to going on second date with a girl who's on the rag, which Kasey can now attest to.

And while Des tried to impress Kasey by taking him to the infamous Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood to get a prostitute and clean windows, it was clear that her heart wasn't in the date.

The highlight of the evening was when Des declared "I think I peed my pants" as they were doing something called "bandalooping" on the side of a skyscraper...Kegels Des, Kegels!

Des concluded the evening by planning a beautiful pool side dinner even though a cold and windy storm moving him.

Fortunately, Des saved their wind interrupted dinner by convincing Kasey to jump in the pool with her...Which was much warmer than moving indoors or getting into the hot tub.

Realizing she was getting back to dating a little too quickly after Brian broke her heart, Des at least she gave Kasey a Rose for his troubles and being a trooper even though her mind wasn't into it.

Trying to keep up with all of the cross-promotions being utilized by the crappy new Superman movie, the crappy new Lone Ranger movie sponsored a western themed Group Date.

Desiree's guys all had to ride a horse, re-enact a good old fashioned fight scene, and rescue the girl.

And that caused Dan to promptly split his pants. 

Unlike Dan, Don Pablo got a Rose for practically oozing machismo.

After the date, super roidy "Juice Crew" member James guilted Des into giving him a Rose by telling her that his dad was dying of pancreatic cancer, and asking her to give him reason to stick around.

With Des ditching the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party and opting for a pool party instead, this season's villain Ben stole Des as she arrived and took her on a drive.

Maybe I'm in the minority, but unlike the guys on the show, I don't see Ben as much of a villain at all. In fact, unlike my ex-father in law or Ryan Bowers (from Emily Maynard's season), he even lets his romantic interest do the driving. 

Desiree Hartsock: Finally, a Bachelorette without fake boobs.

And while Ben tried to keep his little detour with Des a secret, Mikey T. saw the two of them arrive back at the party together.

He later took issue with Ben when he heard him tell someone that he hadn't got spend any time with Des at the party yet.

Ben responded by saying, "It's called The Bachelorette for a reason, it's not called 'Let's make friends,'" although he made sure to do so when Mikey T. and his tattoo were nowhere to be seen.

Michael Tenerelli: Mikey T's upper bicep tattoo is a Native American tribal symbol for "Big Douche."

Brandon Corey Haim-Feldman told Des that he had a secret to tell her, but ended up trying to kiss her as she leaned in, which clearly made her uncomfortable, although he was a little to love struck to pick up on it.

That lead to his demise at the Rose Ceremony, where he went home along with Dan, who's dreams split just like his pants. 

Of course, Brandon was caught completely off guard, causing him to ask, "Why'd you do this?"

When Des chased him down to specifically tell him that she didn't feel any chemistry with him, Brandon broke down.

"Once again, someone left me," which was actually only a half truth, as most of those guys had simply left his slutty mom, and not him. 

Sadly, the episode concluded with Brandon saying, "I can't even cry, I'm just all out of tears," even though he managed to do so anyway.

The Bachelorette Blog - "Just kiss me already!"

This week's episode of The Bachelorette began with 20 plus white dudes with slicked back dark hair wearing ridiculously tight American Apparel t-shirts and pastel colored shorts.

Of course, they were all talking about how everyone else was a douche bag, not realizing that they were all essentially one in the same.

Brooks, the greasy haired marketing consultant from Salt Lake City who may or may not really be Ben or Constantine, received the coveted first 1-on-1 Date. 

Their date consisted of Des disclosing her not-so secret desire to get married, although she cleverly disguised it as a passion for "designing wedding dresses" so as to not alert Brooks that her biological clock is ticking.

Fortunately, Brooks is either gay or a virgin, so he didn't get freaked out by Desiree's red-flag wedding fetish.

In fact, Brooks Forester even reciprocated by dressing up as a Leprechaun. 

Des then proceeded to take Brooks to the famous "Hollywood" sign to see exactly where Brenda lost her virginity to Dylan on Beverly Hills 90210 to get him in the mood.

When that didn't get Brooks in the mood, they then ventured into what seemed to be a shady neighborhood where Dez claimed to get lost, which caused Brooks to nearly shit himself.

As it turns out, The Bachelorette's producers were simply working their magic yet again, and somehow managed to block off an entire inner city bridge for a romantic dinner in the middle of the road.

Brooks went on to reveal that he has daddy issues stemming from his parents getting divorced, which helped him get a rose for being vulnerable and explain his haircut.

It's pretty clear that Brooks Forester was the classic case of the guy who was band dork in high school who tried re-branding himself in college by simply growing his hair out.

Their night concluded with some crappy singer who gave them a private concert. Brooks then decided to show off what an awful dancer he was, making me question whether or not he was ever really even gay at all.

Back at the mansion Chris complained, "I've yet to get a date card, and I'm really hoping to hear my name on that."

Of course, with the first 1-on-1 Date not even over yet Chris was hardly being slighted...At least not until Des actually did leave him off of the Group Date card.

The Group Date started with 14 dudes, a mansion and several luxury cars.

And after Soulja Boy and his posse of street wise dance choreographers sold out in order to try and expand their fan base to 50-year-old post menopausal women, a bunch of white dudes with overly bleached grills made their way in to that mansion make a rap video.

Their video was a parody about all of the guys who went on The Bachelorette for all of the wrong reasons, in a catchy song they aptly called "Right Reasons."

The personalities that they made fun of included meat heads, country music singers, dudes with girlfriends, and some guy who didn't wear any pants...Who as it turns out, was the only one that I was able to relate to.

That lead to one of the worst hip-hop recordings in the history of the world...And I only say "one of the worst" because some idiot went and signed Pitbull to an extension of his record deal.

After Ben stole Des for some extra alone time, Mikey began to turn on him.

And while Mikey initiated an awkward conversation with Ben to try and call him out, it ended even more awkwardly with Ben telling Mikey, "I like your shoes too man."

Michael TenerelliWith none of his suits fitting him, Mikey T. needed a compliment on the way he was dressed...Either that, or he needed Des to keep the tailor/magician around for at least a second episode.

That left Mikey nodding and smiling with his arm around Ben, not realizing that he just had his successfully had his ego stroked by Ben to avoid the confrontation.

Sure enough, Ben got Group Date Rose to go along with First Impression Rose, which left Mikey T. pissed and Ben joking, "I might have to sleep with one eye open tonight."

The second 1-on-1 date went to Bryden, which was a "Road trip" up the California coast.
Des indicated that she took Bryden on that date because makes her laugh like little kid, and she wasn't just talking about his really bad haircut from Cookie Cutters.

Bryden revealed to Des that he had been involved in a really bad accident...Which he just happened to bring pictures of along with him on their trip to the spa!

That caused Desiree to give a Rose to Bryden for opening up.

Des then took Bryden into the hot tub where he romantically recapped their date by saying things like, "This is so much fun..Its been nice."

Luckily for Bryden, Des is a whore, as she finally got sick of his rambling and interjected, "Just kiss me already!"

Michael G. finally got some time alone with Des to tell her that he's Type I diabetic, which is basically a medical reason to have to take steroids...and the only thing that makes Mikey T. more jealous than Ben.

Des countered by confessing that she was not exactly perfect or 100% natural herself.

Don't worry guys, Desiree Hartsock's hair extensions might be fake, but her boobs appear to be real...Cleavage mole and all!

And just as Michael G. thought he was making progress with Des, he was rudely interrupted by (Guess who) Ben! "That's interesting, the guy with the rose over here is stealing you away."

Apparently Ben felt the need to cut in because he had a major secret with Des...That she's a great kisser (Tee-Hee!).

That caused the steroid guys, a/k/a "The Juice Crew," to confront Ben for "swooping in" even after he had already been given a Rose.

Michael G., the Prosecutor from Miami, proved that he did poorly on his LSAT by completely overreacting.

"He thinks he's so mature, but the example he's setting for his son is, a), when you mistake you should lie about it." 

Brian from Baltimore, the "Juice Crew" member with bad lips, a lisp, and a left eye that always stays shut because it's smooshed between his forehead and nose, made a proactive effort to tell Des that he really had broken up with his girlfriend two months earlier.

Brian Jarosinski from The Bachelorette really, really wanted to make sure that Desiree Hartsock knew that he had broken up with his girlfriend...Hmmm.

The Final Rose of the evening went to Brandon, because he's the only guy in America to ever overcome growing up without a dad.

Those going home included Will, the banker from Chicago, partly because he kept calling Des Athena, but mostly because he's black.

Also going home were Robert, the professional sign spinner from every furniture store that's going out of business, and Nick M., the only balding white dude from Charlotte, NC who hasn't fucked Emily Maynard.

The Bachelorette Blog - "Will you accept these abs?"

This season's Bachelorette is Desiree Hartsock, who's no Emily Maynard.

Don't get me wrong, Desiree's still a white trash, she's just not not white trash and a gold-digging redneck like Emily was.

Desiree is best known for getting dumped by Sean Lowe on the last season of The Bachelor on her hometown date in Houston after her brother escaped from jail just to try to reclaim her heart as his own.

This season began at The Bachelorette mansion in Malibu, or as the people here in Kentucky erroneously spelled the street I used to work on, "Malabu." You know, because it's Kentucky.

Desiree began the episode by shakily trying to drive a manual transmission baby-blue Bentley convertible to what appeared to be a flea market.

That was the perfect forum for Desiree Hartsock to sport her new high end "Daisy Dukes," a blue bra, and a straw cowboy hat on camera to announce that she's now a star...Just like Brett Michaels, Jillian Michaels, and anyone else on reality TV who never had a dad.

After about seven "Cinderella" references, Desiree was asked to describe what she was looking for in a man.

"From my past relationships I know that I do need someone who can communicate to me how they feel...I just love companionship, I love cuddling...but when I do fall in love, I fall head over heals."

And that proved that Desiree is in fact a woman...Unlike Brittney Griner.

Unfortunately, with her family's white trash reality TV show on hold due to her brother getting thrown back in "county," we were left only to meet the men competing for Desiree's heart on this season of The Bachelorette.

As usual, this year's contestants showed off all of the worst qualities that males as a gender have to offer.

For example, this year we have dudes who would willingly trade I.Q. points for abdominal muscles, closet rapists from the south (literally), and guys who play soccer.

And yes, all of this has lead me to compromise my manhood yet again and make an attempt to blog this season of The Bachelorette.

First Impressions (not an exclusive list, but here are the contestants who stood out):

Bryden - Bryden claims to have joined the Army and served in Iraq after breaking up with his his high school girlfriend, which was just another way of saying that he wasn't smart enough to get into college.

Zak W. - Zak W. is involved in some kind of gas or oil drilling in Texas, where he lives in the middle of nowhere and spends the better part of his free time doing crunches, drinking coffee, and sitting naked on his deck with a small piece of black cardboard Super-Glued to his junk.

Notice how the black paper covering Zak Waddell's dink doesn't extend downward very far...

Zak W. is also this year's winner of the 9th Annual Bachelorette Douche Bag o' the Year Award as the guy who thinks that everyone who wants to see him shirtless.

In fact, he was narcissistic enough to ask Desiree, "Will you accept these abs?

Zak Waddell: When Zak W. got out of the limo without his shirt on, it was kind of like Phoebe Cates getting out of the pool topless in Fast Times at Ridgemont High...Only without anybody wanting to masturbate. 

Will - The overly energetic banker from Chicago, who doubles as a "Slaps-Me-Five-Machine" as he walks down the street and feels obligated to speak to every random person he passes, whether they wanted to talk with him or not.

As Will met Desiree for the first time he for some reason gave her the nickname Athena, and asked her to give him a nickname back in return...She ended up going with "Token Black Guy."

Jonathan - A lawyer from North Carolina, Jonathan spent the entire first evening trying to con Desiree into some sort of closet that he made up to look like a creepy make-shift "Fantasy Suite" where he not so secretly hoped to rape her.

And like most lawyers and Southern frat boys, Jonathan didn't know how to take no as an answer.

Even after Dez not so politely declined his initial offer, he came back with not just one, but two more attempts to push her into his "Little Shop of Roofies."

With her sexual assault whistle blaring before the Rose Ceremony even began, Desiree sent Jonathan back home to North Carolina.

And while Jonathan was fine with re-registering as a sexual offender, he didn't seem to understand what he did wrong.

"She doesn't want to go to the Fantasy Suite, I don't understand what went wrong with her. I think I'm a pretty good catch. I think I'm pretty fun, my mom thinks I'm pretty good looking, and my love tank  has not been depleted for years."

While I'm hoping that Jonathan's "love tank" isn't a reference to what I think it is, I am pretty giddy that he made reference to it in the same thought in which he mentioned that his mom thought he was "pretty good looking."

And while many will probably conclude that Jonathan was simply hamming it up and playing some sort of character, Jonathan across as a pretty accurate representation of most of the guys who present themselves as "Southern gentlemen."

Nick R. - A tailor/magician from Chicago, or perhaps a magical tailor. Nick R. turned the first Cocktail Party into his own little magic show when he promised the guys and Desiree a trick, only to reveal that he was merely going to make her disappear with him for five minutes.

Unfortunately, Nick R. turned out to me more like Chris Angel and less like David Blaine, and the only rose he got to hold was the one he pulled out of his sleeve to give to Des as he got out of the limo to greet her.

Larry - An ER doctor from Berkley, CA, Larry spent the entire first evening trying to apologize to Dez for trying to dip her and accidentally ripping her dress when he first got out of the limo, not realizing that it was his creepy stare that made her feel uncomfortable.

While Larry seemed out of touch with...well, women in general, he actually seemed like a pretty funny guy that ABC probably needed to prod Des into keeping around for banter around the house.

For example, he had the guys busting out laughing when he said, "I think of everybody here, with the exception of Fantasy Suite Man, I'm kind of #2 in line...At least I'm glad that guy's here.

And while Larry was denied a rose and sent home, he did seem to take an interest in Nick R., the magician.

In fact, when Nick R. revealed that his magical illusion was that he was simply going to make Des disappear with him, Larry yelled out, "You're the worst magician ever!"

He then went on to complain not about Nick taking Des away, but about missing out on the illusion he had been promised. "I was disappointed, I actually wanted to see a magic trick."

Juan Pablo - Desiree had an immediate physical connection to Juan Pablo, even though we are yet to confirm whether or not he is able to speak English, which may or may not cause the Tea Party to boycott this season's episodes.

Unfortunately, when Juan Pablo, a former pro soccer player tried to teach Desiree Hartsock the game, she bumped into him and he fell to the ground writhing in pain, causing two random dudes with a stretcher to carry him off camera before he miraculously sprinted back for the Rose Ceremony.

Robert - Robert calls himself an advertising engineer from L.A., and claims to have invented the sign spinning industry.

And that's just a fancy way of saying that Robert works at Little Caesar's Pizza, but doesn't have a drivers license.

Brandon - Brandon is one of this year's sob stories, claiming that he lost his father at an early age, and that his alcoholic mother was forced to raise him...Kind of like the male version Emily Maynard and her bastard kid, lil' Ricki Bobby.

Apparently trying to tell Desiree of how much their family's had in common, Brandon gave her his mother's sobriety coin, which apparently means that his mom's allowed to go on a bender in the event that Des ultimately dumps him and winds up keeping the coin.

And given that Brandon arrived at the show not via limousine, but on a douchey motorcycle, consider me on team "Dump him"

Ben - Unlike Emily Maynard, who jammed her retarded little kids face in front of the camera every chance she got, but then tried to claim that she was trying to protect her privacy, Ben made no attempt to hide that he was pimping out his four-year-old son, Brody.

In fact, Ben even sent him out of the limo first to greet Des with a flower. And while it was the kid was adorable, Des bit and gave Ben the first Rose of the evening.