The Bachelor Blog - "She's an emotional mess, the last thing I want to do is add to it"

This week began with Sean ditching the "Batch-Copter" and bringing the girls to St. Croix via a sea plane.

After they arrived, Tierra refused to stay with the other girls, electing instead to pull a roll-away into some sort of hallway or closet.

"I'm not about to share someone with some girls I just don't care for. I'm not friends with girls who like my boyfriend,"

Of course, that was actually a strategic move on her part in order avoid syncing "mensies," thereby giving her a competitive advantage over the other girls with Sean when it came down to the "Fantasy Suite" dates.

It was refreshing to see girls like Lindsay and Lesley who are members of the "IBTC" make to the final 5 over some of the less "cosmetically challenged" girls. 

The first 1-on-1 date went to AshLee who said, "Every time I'm with Sean I get carried away. If it's not physical, it's emotionally carried away," with her emphasis on the word "emotionally."

AshLee did acknowledge that she has abandonment issues, which explained her fake boobs for the time being.

We also learned that AshLee was an unheard of 32-years-old when it comes to women who come on The Bachelor when she proclaimed, "The cougar's back in town!" 

That lead to Tierra questioning why she hadn't married younger when she asked, "Why hasn't she found somebody who she can settle down with?" Keep in mind, however; that statement was coming from the girl who's last boyfriend killed himself by O.D.'ing on drugs.

At least AshLee put wings on her bikini to distract from her horribly aimed fake boobs...In fact, it reminds me of having to re-align the headlights on my first car, a 1984 Buick Century...Which coincidentally was AshLee's birth year.

Sean put AshLee on the spot by asking her what she thought about Tierra, and she was more than happy to throw her under the bus.

It's the house and Tierra...Who you get is a completely different girl than the house gets...She's going to be 'pouty pants' like she is with the group of girls."

While AshLee eventually worried about having talked negatively about one of her competitors, Sean seemed to actually value her opinion.

And when he said, "When she tells me something about Tierra, I'm going to believe it," AshLee began to see Sean as the only male influence in her life who didn't try to sexually molest her.

Sean went on to say, "I can't imagine anything going wrong at this point," before he jinxed it by asking, "Is there anything that we haven't covered that we should have cover."

AshLee responded in the affirmative and began by saying, "Fifteen years ago when I was in high school, I was having a hard time with my Mom and Dad."

At that point Sean had to be saying to himself, "Please tell me you were a stripper, please tell me you were a stripper..."

As it turns out, AshLee got married in high school at the age of seventeen, and divorced by the time she was eighteen. "That's kind of my skeleton, and not proud of it...I don't want to be like this broken girl."

Dating as a Sophomore, married during her Junior year, and divorced as a Senior? I'm guessing that AshLee got caught having sex and her ultra religious parents forced her to get married.

Sean ended up re-assuring her and giving her a kiss, which caused AshLee to screams out loud that she loved him.

Sean next sent Tierra a 1-on-1 date card that said, "Let's explore the streets of St. Croix to enjoy the culture." It also gave him a chance to figure out why all the other bitches hate her so much."


I didn't realize that Sean Lowe dated Kelly Clarkson...Oh wait, that's Tierra LiCausi...My apoligies to Kelly Clarkson.

When Sean found a jewelry shop and bought Tierra a bracelet, she may have creamed in her fat girl panties.

"Sean bought me an eternity bracelet!" She went on to say, "I never received anything like this," mainly because her last boyfriend died from a drug overdose and set the bar relatively well.

Sean then asked Tierra the tough question. "If you could do it over again, would act differently in front of the other girls?"

However, Tierra showed no remorse for her actions saying, "Nuh-uh. These girls aren't going to be around for much longer, you know."

After kissing Tierra Sean came to a conclusion. "I've finally come to the conclusion that she's probably not nice to the other women, but she's being genuine when she says that she's here for me."

Now that Pope Benedict has resigned, he's believed to be on a very short list to become Penn State's new defensive coordinator.

For the Group Date Sean surprised the girls at 4:22 a.m. to see how they looked without makeup or their clothes on.

That caused Lindsay to exclaim, "I'm naked!" And with the prospect of seeing the girls without any makeup or clothes on, that made me thankful that Tierra had elected to sleep in her own room.

While some girls like Lindsay worried about their armpit hair Catherine proudly declared, "I'm probably the lowest maintenance person here, I just need to pee and I'm good to go," mainly because Asian girls don't have any hair to shave.

Catherine then went on to inform Sean that her father would not be there if he gave her a home town date since he had attempted suicide in front of her and her sisters when she was fourteen and moved back to China.

However, the Group Date Rose went to Lindsay, who proved to be the only girl remaining on the show who didn't have any obvious daddy issues.

The final 1-on-1 Date went to Lesley, who Sean elected to take on a relaxed date to some sort of fruit orchard, because The Bachelor had apparently gone over budget for the season.

While not as luxurious as some of the other dates, Lesley was fine with it saying, "I could be on Tierra's cot, and it would be awesome."

However, Sean went on to say how their relationship was "not where it needed to be at this point."

And while Lesley acknowledged that she needed to tell Sean that she was falling in love with him, she chickened out at the last second, even though Sean practically begged the question.

That caused Sean to say, "Lesley exudes confidence in every area, except our relationship."

And while Lesley claimed that she was into Sean, but just wanted to move slow, her body language was telling a different story.

Lesley finally ended up letting Sean kiss her and saying, "I never want to get used to that."

As Sean wrestled with his decision as to which two girls to cut, his sister Shay fortunately showed up in her hot pink ass shorts to tell him how he should judge the other girls.

When Sean told Shay that no one girl in particular stood out, Shay told him not to pick the girl who hadn't revealed enough to him.

Unfortunately, that lead him totally in the wrong direction, since Lesley was moving relatively slow as compared to the other girls who were more revealing...Yeah, more revealing.

Tierra then decided to confront AshLee for sabotaging her relationship with Sean.

And when AshLee responded by calling Tierra out for not being friendly or even responsive to the other girls, all Tierra could say was, "I'm a 24 year old woman, you're 32-years-old!"

Which I think may have actually proved AshLee's point, just not as pointy as her nipples.

Tierra revealed that her parents told her, "Tierra, you have a sparkle, don't let those girls take your sparkle away," which is exactly what I would expect parents of a home schooled child or mental retard to say.

When AshLee confronted Tierra about her raised eyebrows and otherwise bitchy ways, Tierra took exception.

"Raised eyebrow? AshLee, that's my face! I can't help it! I cannot control my eyebrow, I cannot control my eyebrow!"

And just when Sean told his sister that he was going to go grab Tierra to talk about her relationship with the other girls, they walked in on Tierra sobbing after her fight with AshLee.

And while Tierra sobbed, "Why is this happening?", Sean asked, "I don't understand why you're acting like this!"

And when Sean revealed, "I came here so you can meet somebody," Tierra demanded, "Who?!?"

Of course, Sean was referring to his sister, and he told Tierra, "Hold on for one second, I'll be right back."

And when Sean did come back, he told Tierra that it might be best for her to go home now.

And when he asked, "Are you going to be okay," She snapped by saying, "No! I'm not."

Tierra went on to complain, "I can't believe he did this to me! I just want to go home! I hope the girls got what they wanted!" Because, clearly, Tierra did nothing to bring this on herself.

Apparently realizing that he had made some bad choices and that he had pushed Tierra to the edge Sean said, "She's an emotional mess..The last thing you want to do is add to it."

And as she realized that she was going home Tierra slipped back into a psychotic state muttering, "Nobody will take my sparkle away, I'm not letting that happen!"

That caused Sean to comment, "Tierra was obviously a source of drama, and just to clarify, I'm not looking for that in a partner."

Feeling as if he had some clarity, Sean announced that there would not be a Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony.

And honestly, as much as I've dogged Sean, he probably ended up choosing the best final five girls for him.

Although I was a bit surprised when he picked AshLee to go on a Hometown Date over Leslie...But that's just a matter of preference I guess.

Not only did Leslie seem like the most real girl on the show, but AshLee just puts out the crazy/bitchy vibe, meaning that she may or may not be incapable of having fun.

Afterall, Leslie was from Arkansas, while Sean's from Texas, which is pretty much the same thing.

Then again, maybe Sean just wanted to use The Bachelor to get some "strange."

Sadly, Leslie seemed to express the appropriate amount of sadness on her way out, suggesting that she really might have been into Sean unlike the other girls.

Of course, Leslie was heard saying, "Alright..." just as Sean slammed the limo door in her face, suggesting that maybe something might have went on that we might have missed.

Blogging Survivor: Caramoan - Meet The Cast

Survivor - Caramoan is upon us. This season the contestants are being divided into two tribes.

The main twist includes bringing in ten new contestants to compete against ten returning "fan favorites."

In actuality, those "fan favorites" only included two people that the audience actually liked, and seven other former players that were simply available because they have remained unemployed since they last appeared on the show.

I realize that my math only adds up to nine...That's because Malcolm Freberg fell into both categories.

Oh yeah, and included with the ten returning former players was yet another relative of Russell Hantz. Of course, that really isn't even a twist anymore, it's more like par for the course.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website.

Gota Tribe (fans)

Hope Driskill - A 23-year-old pre-law major from Jefferson City, Missouri.

Pros: She's pretty good looking.

Cons: She describes herself as being "attractive," which automatically makes her much less attractive than she thinks she is.

Of course, what Survivor did not tell us in her bio was that Hope Driskill was Miss Missouri USA in 2011, shown here with Donald Trump. Fortunately, emaciated pageant girls have always fared pretty well living off the land in less than ideal conditions while on the show. 

Eddie Fox - A 23-year-old fireman/EMT from New Jersey.

Pros: Young and physically fit, Eddie claims to be a swimmer and athletic.

Cons: Posted a photo of himself shirtless on Facebook with the caption, "Very happy with myself. Hard work paying off," proving that he's a typical douche bag from Jersey.

Clearly, this photo doubles as Eddie Fox's online dating profile picture. I just feel bad for all of the girls on "Plenty of Fish" that he emails pictures of his junk to.

Laura Alexander - A 23-year-old administrative officer from Washington D.C.

Pros: Laura climbed a mountain in Africa and claims to be good a puzzles.

Cons: I can't find anything interesting on her, either positive or negative.

Laura Alexander...Sorry, that's all I have.


Sherri Biethman - A 41-year-old fast food franchisee from Boise, Idaho.

Pros: Lists her claim to fame as "finding the right diagnosis for my autistic son," which is amazing considering that she doesn't even own an Applebees.

Cons: Falls just below Jenny McCarthy on the hotness to crazy ratio for mothers of autistic children.

At least Sherri Biethman's kid won't understand the social ramifications of having a mom who's a cougar.

Matt Bischoff - A 38-year-old BMX bike dealer and metal band singer from Cincinnati.

Pros: Despite a gruff exterior, seems like he's a pretty likable dude.

Cons: Lists one of his inspirations as the guy who grew the longest beard in history, which shows that he may not be the highest achiever that the show's ever brought on.

Then again, Matt Bischoff's wife is pretty hot, so clearly Yosemite Sam is doing something right.

Julia Landauer - A 21-year-old professional race car driver from New York who's currently attending Stanford University.

Pros: Currently heads a team of men as the head of her own racing team at the age of 21.

Cons: Even though she's kind of cute for a redneck, she is on record as having said that she is trying to develop her "Julia Landauer Racing Brand," so I'm not sure she's in the show for all the right reasons.

Julia Landauer's breath also reeks of Danica Patrick's semen.

Allie Pohevitz - 25-year-old bartender from Oceanside, NY.

Pros: She's easy on the eyes. Her claim to fame is being the editor of her school magazine.

Cons: She's a self professed clean freak and pretty girl, so I have a hard time seeing her shitting in the woods, or wherever it is that girls poop when they're on Survivor...Plus her only claim to fame other than being the editor of her school magazine is drinking on the job.

Allie Pohevitz

Michael Snow - A 44-year-old event planner from New York City.

Pros: Claims, "I don't like crazy."

Cons: He's 44-years-old and he lists his occupation as an "entertainer," which likely means he's going to bring all kinds of crazy to the game.

Micheal Snow had fallen on hard times since coming out with his Canadian cross-over single, "Informer."

Shamar Thomas - A 27-year old Marine veteran from Brooklyn.

Pros: Made quite a name for himself yelling at NYCPD officers in the guise of being an ex-Marine while supporting the "Occupy Wall Street" movement.

Cons: Fellow Marines are none too happy that Shamar donned his fatigues and rank badges in the process of doing so since he is now a civilian (apparently a BIG no-no in their code of honor). In fact, a Facebook page called "Marines against Sgt. Shamar Thomas" has emerged, which starts out by saying, "Alright gents, our favorite toolbag is back at it again."

Some brand him a hero, while others criticize new Survivor contestant Shamar Thomas for inappropriately using his military background to try to make a name for himself by yelling at some cops who were merely standing around as his cameras rolled for PR purposes. 

Reynold Toepfer - A 30-year-old real estate agent from San Francisco.

Pros: None.

Cons: Even the Ed Hardy asked Reynold not to wear their gear on Survivor because they thought he was a little too douchey.

Reynold, only 30-years-old, still sports a mullet even though it had nearly gone extinct in all regions except for northern Canada and West Virginia by 1995.*
* Excludes any tour stops by the band "Rush."

Bikal Tribe

Malcolm Freberg - 25-year-old bartender living in Hermosa Beach, CA.

Pros: One of the better physical and social competitors in recent Survivor history.

Cons: Parlayed an Ivy League education into working as a bartender. After visiting an impoverished Filipino village last season and talking about doing something more important in life than tending bar and hitting on girls, he's still tending bar and hitting on chicks.

Malcolm Freberg did parlay his gig on Survivor into a guest appearance on The Bold and the Beautiful...Where he played a bartender who hits on chicks.

Phillip Sheppard - A 54-year-old military veteran and former governmental special agent.

Pros: Like me, he parades around in brightly colored American Apparel "bikini briefs."

Cons: Lists his pet peeve as "People who act like they know everything," proving that he has no self awareness. If his whole "Secret Agent" persona isn't some shtick to brand an image for himself, this guy just might be bat-shit crazy.

Phillip Sheppard's job title with the government was Agent #5, where he was responsible for inspecting men's bikini brief underwear .

Francesca Hogi - A 38-year-old attorney from Brooklyn, NY.

Cons: Francesca was the first person voted out the last time she was on Survivor, which hardly makes her a "fan favorite."

Pros: Samhar Thomas looks as if he may be needing legal representation in Brooklyn relatively soon, so maybe Francesca can at least get some business out of this appearance...Which would be more than she got out of the show the first time she appeared.

I'm not sure who Francesca Hogi was, let alone who might have viewed her a Survivor "favorite."

Erik Reichenbach - A 27-year-old comic book artist from Hell, Michigan.

Cons: After voluntarily giving up the Immunity Idol to a group of girls who wanted to vote him out, Erik is probably the dumbest player to ever appear on Survivor.

Pros: Erik purportedly came on the show, "To show everyone that I am really not that dumb," which means that he has nowhere to go but up.

Some people thought Erik Reichenbach played a good game the first time around...Unfortunately, they're called "Tennessee Volunteer fans."

John Cochran - A 23-year-old Harvard law student.

Pros: One of the more entertaining and cerebral players to ever appear on Survivor.

Cons: Socially awkward...But he's still beautiful.


John Cochran made the successful transition from cartoons as Steve Smith of American Dad, to reality TV star on Survivor.


Dawn Meecham - A 42-year-old English professor from Utah.

Pros:  Dawn claims that she's a good bridge between people of different backgrounds.

Cons:  She's never had to deal with anybody who was not a Mormon aside from being on Survivor.

Dawn Meecham: Maybe she'll stand up for Cochran and us fellow red-heads this time.

Corinne Kaplan - A 33-year-old clinical consultant from Los Angeles.

Pros: According to Corinne, her father taught her how to "work hard."

Cons: She went on to add, "My mother taught me the other option is you can marry the guy who does all that. Both lessons are equally important to me."

Given that Corinne Kaplan is all but flashing her boobs in this picture, I'm thinking that her mom was the one who had the most influence over her.

Brenda Lowe - A 30-year-old paddle board company owner.

Pros: Describes herself as a water person.

Cons: I can't tell if Brenda's half black or half Asian, so she's either not going to be able to get her hair wet or she's really going to love the game of Survivor.

Brenda Lowe is a former Miami Dolphin cheerleader, turned Maxim model, turned Survivor contestant...And I like her socks.

Andrea Boehlke - A 23-year-old self described entertainment host and writer.

Pros: She's kind of outdoorsy, at least for someone who wants to make a career in television.

Cons: Writing a blog with post titles like "Shut up and Make Lasagna" doesn't make you any more of an entertainment writer than I am.

Like Brandon Hantz, Andrea Boehlke has famous relatives too...For instance, her cousin, Larry." 

Russel Hantz's Nephew - A 21-year-old from East Texas.

Pros: Claims he may do some "stupid stuff" like poop in camp or in the cooking pot this time around, which I guess is slightly less sociopathic than thinking about raping all of the pretty female contestants like he did the last time he played.

Cons: Russell's nephew apparently believes he was "almost the sole Survivor" the last time he played, showing that he's not just a habitual sex offender, but hat he's also a habitual liar as well.

However, pooping in Survivor's Easter basket may be just enough to finally get him back in the good graces of his coon-ass uncles, Russell and Willie Hantz.

The Bachelor Blog - "I sleep naked...The other girls aren't as accepting"

Part II of ABC's special two part "Bachelor Event" began with Tierra LiCausi being fat and nasty.

...Which is just where we left off the night before.

This week Sean moved the girls on to Canada, mainly because he needed a break from the lack of people and cold weather in Montana.

Sean ended up taking the girls to a resort on Lake Louise, a bright blue glacial lake in the Canadian Rockies.

The first 1-on-1 date went to Catherine, who worried that she had been left alone in what she described as a blizzard (even though it was hardly snowing), perhaps forgetting that she was surrounded by probably 10 different camera men and producers, but probably not.

Sean obviously feels strongly for Catherine, as she got the full blown princess treatment.

That consisted of a ride on the Canadian version of an all-terrain beer truck up a glacier to go sledding, a horse drawn carriage ride, and sharing a drink at a castle made out of ice.

They then proceeded to chisel dirty ice from the walls and put it in their drinks, which caused them both to come down with dysentery.

Catherine went on to share a heartbreaking story with Sean where she and her best friend at summer camp went hiking, only to have a tree fall on their path and crush her friend to death upon impact.

She then explained how she went through a phase where she engaged in random acts of deforestation, kind of like how girls who were sexually abused as children end up sleeping with a bunch of guys in order to reclaim their sexuality.

That turned out to be enough for Sean to give Christina a rose, but it was only of the $2 variety.

Sean Lowe's obviously an old fashioned guy, but I'm not really feeling his old school frosted hair look. But at least Christina will know what Sean looks like when he turns old...Or into an Oompa Loompa.

The Group Date began with the girls rowing across Lake Louise in canoes. Unfortunately, Sean made Sarah to go on the date, who just ended up canoeing around in circles since she only has one arm.

Much like me, The Bachelor's producers keep focusing on Sarah's nub on camera...I just feel like they should be blurring it out or something.

Eventually Sean informed the girls that he intended on having them take a "Polar Bear Plunge."

Sean explained that would involve jumping into water just above freezing, and totalling submerging their head all the way under the water...Which totally explained why he got rid of all the black girls before this date.

Selma proclaimed that while she'd "do anything for a rose," she wasn't about to jump into the ice cold water.

Accordingly, she decided to sit and watch rather than go in the water by explaining, "We are warm weather people," as she applied some more lipstick, apparently not realizing that Iraq's average temperature regularly drops below zero.

On the other hand, AshLee decided to jump in after initially being apprehensive about that decision.

In explaining her reason for doing so, AshLee said, "No one ever in my life has made me want to do something for him," meaning that the male figures in her life had set the bar very low.

Aside from Selma standing in a bikini awkwardly watching Sean and the girls jump in and out of the water, everything went smoothly. That is, until Tierra almost died...At least according to her.

Mysteriously, while all of the other girls seemed to feel exhilarated by their plunge, Tierra begin convulsing and eventually became non responsive shortly after she returned to the shelter.

That caused two people who were either medics or Canada's finest chiropractors to rush in, and the other girls to question whether or not Tierra was just faking it just to get more of Sean's attention.

In her metallic swimsuit and foil wrapping, Tierra LiCausi looks kind of like one of those super fatty and gas station hamburgers that you only eat when it's late at night and you're super drunk.

After it was determined that Tierra's condition was so urgent that she needed to be transported immediately to the lobby of the resort, she came to and demonically hissed, "I MISSED TIME WITH HIM!"

She then proceeded to warm up by cramming her face with a celebratory cheeseburger.


Oxygen and a cheeseburger?...Suddenly there is hope for the "Millennials" and Tierra LiCausi. 

While Sean stopped by to check in on Tierra, she clearly expected him to give her the Group Date Rose.

But when Sean gave it to Lesley instead, Tierra's draw dropped and she exclaimed, "I think I deserve it. I put up with a lot of shit, and I don't think it's fair."

On the other hand, Sean could have sent her home while she had oxygen tubes up her nose, so she should probably just be happy to stick around for another week.

Sarah tried to impress Sean by showing him black and white photos of her when she was child growing up in the 50's.

However, that plan backfired, as when she told him how much she wanted him to meet her family, he realized that he had been far too nice to the girl who only had one arm.

And since she was obviously developing feelings for him, Sean pulled Sarah aside and privately sent her home so as not to embarrass her at the Rose Ceremony.

Of course Sarah didn't take his good will gesture too well, saying, "I wanted to hear an explanation, because it's always the same...It's not my first time."

Personally, I think that ABC should make Sarah the next "Bachelorette," just so we can see all the self absorbed douchey guys scramble when they realize that they're competing for a girl for her non conventional good looks and personality, and not just a trophy girlfriend.

Surprisingly, the final 1-on-1 date went to Desiree, not Daniella, who was the only girl yet to spend any quality alone time yet with Sean.

Sean took Desiree repelling down a 400 foot cliff. After making out, she informed him that she not only grew up living in a trailer, but at times was forced to downgrade to a tent.

That turned out to be a good plan on Desiree's part, because if she had told him that she was of trailer stock first, they probably wouldn't have ended up making out.

Nonetheless, Sean still ended up giving her a rose, but only because trailer park girls are known to either put out or rob you for drug money...And given my success with the ladies, I'd be willing to take those odds too.

As Sean talked to Lindsay, she teased him by telling him that she had vowed not to kiss him, 40 Days and 40 Nights style, even though she kept pressing her face towards his knowing exactly what was going to happen.

Sean teased back by asking her to, "Tell me something I don't know." Lindsay ended up getting Sean's attention when she responded by saying, "I sleep naked...The girls aren't as accepting."

Of course, that was much better than the response I received when I once asked a girl the same question and she responded by saying, "I fart when I get surprised!"

Sure enough, Lindsay ended up by begging Sean to kiss her.

AshLee took another leap of faith by putting a blindfold on and putting her full trust in Sean to do with her as he pleased. And since the cameras were rolling, Sean only ended up kissing her and not raping her like her real father did.

And while AshLee made Sean think as if she was giving complete control to him, she was really manipulating his actions.

Not only did that offering cement a spot for AshLee going forward, but I'm pretty sure she pissed off the other Ashley, Ashley Palenkas, who got sent home after day one for freaking Sean out with a bondage scarf that she fantasized tying Sean up with.

At the Rose Ceremony, Sean had to decide which two girls to send home, and with Tierra pretty much ineligible to go home since she's the only girl keeping ABC's ratings viable, Sean had a real decision to make.

Sure enough, the last rose of the night went to Tierra, with Selma and Daniella getting sent home. Of course, as the fat girl who had yet to spend any time with Sean, Daniella was the no-brainer.

The big surprise was Selma, who appeared to have some serious chemistry with Sean...At least until she told him that her conservative beliefs prevented her from kissing him.

And while she did give Sean a kiss in this episode by claiming it was "necessary," I'm guessing that Sean wasn't feeling it.

Regardless of Selma's intentions, (it has been rumoured that she only came on the show to make a name for herself in Hollywood), the moment that she let Sean know that she was not available to be sampled like the "whoregasboard" of women he has to choose from, she became worthless to him.

I guess that not only sealed her fate, but proved to America exactly what Sean is really looking for in a woman.

The Bachelor Blog - "She needs a Xanax and to be sent home"

This week was the start of a special two part "Bachelor Event," with enough footage for one episode wrapped up into two!

The week began "in Montana," where for some reason, statues began to crumble for me.

Sean began the trip by awarding the first 1-on-1 date to Lindsey, who was whisked away to Glacier National Park via the "Batch-Copter."

Sean ended up giving Lindsey a rose after telling her he liked her because she was "low maintenance."

Of course, this was the same girl who showed up at their initial meeting wearing a wedding dress, so let's not anoint her "Miss Drama Free" of The Bachelor 2013 quite yet.

The Group Date consisted of an outdoors competition that involved rowing, hay bails, sawing and milking Selma's fake breasts...I mean a goat.

After Desiree got done drinking goat milk to lead her team to victory, Sean decided to let the losing team accompany him on the evening date even though that wasn't part of the original plan.

Of course, that meant that the girls he really liked (Catherine and Lesley) were on the losing team. That caused Desiree to complain about how she had to milk Selma when it didn't really even matter.

Before embarking on a 2-on-1 loser leaves town date with Jackie, Tierra crashed the Group Date Cocktail Party and creepily snuck up behind Sean while he was doing a solo interview.

Tierra LiCausi then proceeded to hand rape his face before making out with him.

Meanwhile, adoptee AshLee confessed to Sean that she felt a "soul connection" with him that she "just couldn't put into words." Of course, the words she was searching for were, "I never really had a dad."

However, it was Daniella who received the Group Date Rose for crying while talking to Sean and being fat.

The 2-on-1 began with Tierra completely dominating Sean's time on a horse riding date, with Jackie getting left behind and not realizing that Tierra had engaged in ex parte salivavication with Sean before their date ever began.

Sean proclaimed, "I definitely like both of these girls," which was complete bullshit, as he wouldn't have sent them both on a date where one of them was guaranteed to go home if he actually liked both of them...Especially with Sarah and the last black girl still left.

Jackie went on to tell Sean how Tierra was fake and that she flirted with some guy at the airport on their way to Montana.

That broke the number one rule you need to follow if you want to stay on The Bachelor, which is to never waste your alone time bitching about one of the other girls, even if she is a total cunt...Let's just call this the "Kacie B/Courtney Robertson Rule."

Speaking of Kacie B. I'm already missing her. I kind of feel deprived when it comes to seeing how much weight she will gain heading into the "After The Final Rose" special. It's a lot like how you don't get to see how much weight the contestants on The Biggest Loser take off after they get sent home.

That caused Sean to pull Tierra aside, who for some reason confessed that her ex-boyfriend was in and out of rehab before he ultimately passed away. Not only did that explain the dent in her forehead (okay, it really didn't), but it did speak volumes about her lack of self esteem.

Ultimately Sean gave the 2-on-1 Date Rose to Tierra, sending Jackie home to work the cosmetic kiosk back at the local mall in Ormond Beach, FL, where she aggressively solicits old people trying to do their morning laps.

At the Rose Ceremony Tierra proclaimed, "I seriously want to punch everyone in the room...I wish I was a fighter...Because I would beat the shit out of every one these other bitches."

Did I mention that Tierra already had a rose and that Sean is looking for an ultra religious girl? I think I smell me a Chuck Woolery!

Tierra's antics caused Desiree to proclaim, "She needs a Xanax and to be sent home."

However, it was Desiree who was surprisingly on the chopping block, as the final Rose came down to Robyn and herself.

Fortunately for Desiree, Robyn was black, and that caused Sean to send her home.

And while ex-Houston Rocket cheerleader Robyn Howard got sent home, it did increase the the size of the class action lawsuit against ABC and The Bachelor for racial discrimination by one.

The Bachelor Blog - "I got the limo, I got the jet. Then he took the Iraqi to the desert!"

As usual, this week's episode began with Sean shirtless. But this week he took things a step further, appearing in nothing but a pair of boxers...But only because they highlighted his high I.Q.

I'm pretty sure that The Bachelorette would get higher ratings if she would start out every episode in nothing but her bra and panites...That is, unless The Bachelorette was Ashley H.

Selma Alameri received the first 1-on-1 date, but was disappointed that she had to share it with her two fake boobs.

Initially excited when Sean took her to a private plane via a limousine, Selma was disappointed when they ended up hopping into a jeep and drove off into the to the desert after landing.

"I got the limo, I got the jet. Then he took the Iraqi to the desert!"

Depending on how you looked at it, that was either racist on Sean's part, or just a sweet gesture to make her feel more at home.

Either way, I don't see the white bread Christian boy winding up with the Muslim...Even if Selma Alameri does have giant fake boobs.

Things seemed to go well between Sean and Selma during a rock climbing expedition, even though it became obvious that she's a total drama queen that's only on the show for the attention instead of Sean.

That much became evident when Selma told Sean that she wasn't able to kiss him even though she "wanted to" due to her conservative religious beliefs. Strangely enough, those beliefs didn't prevent her from getting her boobs and teeth done.

Sadly, I've heard that exact same line about not being able to kiss me many of times from strippers...That is, minus the part about them having conservative religous beliefs and good teeth.

Nonetheless, Sean told Selma that he was crazy about her, and still gave her a Rose.

So Selma Alameri can kiss a guy in public and post it on Facebook? I think my bullshit detector is going off.

The Group Date was billed as a Roller Derby contest, to which AshLee exclaimed "This is not my cup of tea," mainly because she was terrified of all the fat girls on the show this season.

Strangely, Sean also invited Sarah, the one-armed girl, on such a physical date. Then again, it wasn't like she was going to fall and bruise her elbow or anything.

The theme of the this weeks Bachelor Group Date was "Roll with the punches."  While I'm not sure how well she rolls, I'm pretty sure that one-armed Sarah is going to have some problems when it comes to the punches....At least when it comes to her left hook.

Amanda falsely claimed to have participated in Roller Derbies before, mainly to intimidate the other girls. She then proceeded to get knocked down and nearly fracture her chin.

Back at the mansion, Tierra and Robyn had some sort of black girl/white girl tift that was more appropriate for America's Next Top Model. That caused Tierra to storm off claiming that she just wanted to go home, even though she clearly had no intention of doing so.

Tierra then proceeded to interrupt Sean just as he was about to get into the hot tub with Lindsay, and ended up playing the "none of the other girls like me card." That lead to Sean giving her a Rose, much to the other girls' dismay.

Doesn't Tierra LiCausi have the cutest little forehead dimple...chin dimple...And probably ass cheek dimples? At least she has a future as a heel in one of those low level pro wrestling leagues that travel from high school gym to high school gym across the South.


The second 1-on-1 Date went to Leslie H., who was given a pair of diamond earrings, a dress, shoes and a purse in a Rodeo Drive shopping spree. Of course, after saying "Leslie deserves to be treated like a princess," Sean picked her up in a Chrysler.

That caused Leslie H. to proclaim, "It's every girl's dream to shop on Rodeo Drive...This is like Pretty Woman."

And after calling herself a prostitute on national TV, Sean, or rather some high profile jewelry store gave Leslie H. a 120 carat diamond necklace to wear for the evening. However, that one was not for keeps like the other gifts she received.

At least the jeweler had more faith in Leslie H. than most jewelers have in Lindsay Lohan.


And as quickly as Leslie H. said, "Sean has totally taken control and made me feel more like a woman than I ever have in my life," he told her that he did not feel any romantic connection with her and sent her home.

That lead to an awkward moment where Sean had to remove the 120 carat diamond necklace from her neck before she could disappear into the wilderness screaming "Holy moly Batman!"

At the Rose Ceremony, Sean proclaimed "I'm emotionally invested in many of you," which was his way of saying that he was not necessarly feeling everyone.

Sadly, Sean sent Amanda home, probably because with a potentially fractured jaw she was no longer useful to him.

Personally, I don't know what there was not to like about Amanda Meyer, but I guess that's just me.