The Bachelor Blog - "I sleep naked...The other girls aren't as accepting"

Part II of ABC's special two part "Bachelor Event" began with Tierra LiCausi being fat and nasty.

...Which is just where we left off the night before.

This week Sean moved the girls on to Canada, mainly because he needed a break from the lack of people and cold weather in Montana.

Sean ended up taking the girls to a resort on Lake Louise, a bright blue glacial lake in the Canadian Rockies.

The first 1-on-1 date went to Catherine, who worried that she had been left alone in what she described as a blizzard (even though it was hardly snowing), perhaps forgetting that she was surrounded by probably 10 different camera men and producers, but probably not.

Sean obviously feels strongly for Catherine, as she got the full blown princess treatment.

That consisted of a ride on the Canadian version of an all-terrain beer truck up a glacier to go sledding, a horse drawn carriage ride, and sharing a drink at a castle made out of ice.

They then proceeded to chisel dirty ice from the walls and put it in their drinks, which caused them both to come down with dysentery.

Catherine went on to share a heartbreaking story with Sean where she and her best friend at summer camp went hiking, only to have a tree fall on their path and crush her friend to death upon impact.

She then explained how she went through a phase where she engaged in random acts of deforestation, kind of like how girls who were sexually abused as children end up sleeping with a bunch of guys in order to reclaim their sexuality.

That turned out to be enough for Sean to give Christina a rose, but it was only of the $2 variety.

Sean Lowe's obviously an old fashioned guy, but I'm not really feeling his old school frosted hair look. But at least Christina will know what Sean looks like when he turns old...Or into an Oompa Loompa.

The Group Date began with the girls rowing across Lake Louise in canoes. Unfortunately, Sean made Sarah to go on the date, who just ended up canoeing around in circles since she only has one arm.

Much like me, The Bachelor's producers keep focusing on Sarah's nub on camera...I just feel like they should be blurring it out or something.

Eventually Sean informed the girls that he intended on having them take a "Polar Bear Plunge."

Sean explained that would involve jumping into water just above freezing, and totalling submerging their head all the way under the water...Which totally explained why he got rid of all the black girls before this date.

Selma proclaimed that while she'd "do anything for a rose," she wasn't about to jump into the ice cold water.

Accordingly, she decided to sit and watch rather than go in the water by explaining, "We are warm weather people," as she applied some more lipstick, apparently not realizing that Iraq's average temperature regularly drops below zero.

On the other hand, AshLee decided to jump in after initially being apprehensive about that decision.

In explaining her reason for doing so, AshLee said, "No one ever in my life has made me want to do something for him," meaning that the male figures in her life had set the bar very low.

Aside from Selma standing in a bikini awkwardly watching Sean and the girls jump in and out of the water, everything went smoothly. That is, until Tierra almost died...At least according to her.

Mysteriously, while all of the other girls seemed to feel exhilarated by their plunge, Tierra begin convulsing and eventually became non responsive shortly after she returned to the shelter.

That caused two people who were either medics or Canada's finest chiropractors to rush in, and the other girls to question whether or not Tierra was just faking it just to get more of Sean's attention.

In her metallic swimsuit and foil wrapping, Tierra LiCausi looks kind of like one of those super fatty and gas station hamburgers that you only eat when it's late at night and you're super drunk.

After it was determined that Tierra's condition was so urgent that she needed to be transported immediately to the lobby of the resort, she came to and demonically hissed, "I MISSED TIME WITH HIM!"

She then proceeded to warm up by cramming her face with a celebratory cheeseburger.


Oxygen and a cheeseburger?...Suddenly there is hope for the "Millennials" and Tierra LiCausi. 

While Sean stopped by to check in on Tierra, she clearly expected him to give her the Group Date Rose.

But when Sean gave it to Lesley instead, Tierra's draw dropped and she exclaimed, "I think I deserve it. I put up with a lot of shit, and I don't think it's fair."

On the other hand, Sean could have sent her home while she had oxygen tubes up her nose, so she should probably just be happy to stick around for another week.

Sarah tried to impress Sean by showing him black and white photos of her when she was child growing up in the 50's.

However, that plan backfired, as when she told him how much she wanted him to meet her family, he realized that he had been far too nice to the girl who only had one arm.

And since she was obviously developing feelings for him, Sean pulled Sarah aside and privately sent her home so as not to embarrass her at the Rose Ceremony.

Of course Sarah didn't take his good will gesture too well, saying, "I wanted to hear an explanation, because it's always the same...It's not my first time."

Personally, I think that ABC should make Sarah the next "Bachelorette," just so we can see all the self absorbed douchey guys scramble when they realize that they're competing for a girl for her non conventional good looks and personality, and not just a trophy girlfriend.

Surprisingly, the final 1-on-1 date went to Desiree, not Daniella, who was the only girl yet to spend any quality alone time yet with Sean.

Sean took Desiree repelling down a 400 foot cliff. After making out, she informed him that she not only grew up living in a trailer, but at times was forced to downgrade to a tent.

That turned out to be a good plan on Desiree's part, because if she had told him that she was of trailer stock first, they probably wouldn't have ended up making out.

Nonetheless, Sean still ended up giving her a rose, but only because trailer park girls are known to either put out or rob you for drug money...And given my success with the ladies, I'd be willing to take those odds too.

As Sean talked to Lindsay, she teased him by telling him that she had vowed not to kiss him, 40 Days and 40 Nights style, even though she kept pressing her face towards his knowing exactly what was going to happen.

Sean teased back by asking her to, "Tell me something I don't know." Lindsay ended up getting Sean's attention when she responded by saying, "I sleep naked...The girls aren't as accepting."

Of course, that was much better than the response I received when I once asked a girl the same question and she responded by saying, "I fart when I get surprised!"

Sure enough, Lindsay ended up by begging Sean to kiss her.

AshLee took another leap of faith by putting a blindfold on and putting her full trust in Sean to do with her as he pleased. And since the cameras were rolling, Sean only ended up kissing her and not raping her like her real father did.

And while AshLee made Sean think as if she was giving complete control to him, she was really manipulating his actions.

Not only did that offering cement a spot for AshLee going forward, but I'm pretty sure she pissed off the other Ashley, Ashley Palenkas, who got sent home after day one for freaking Sean out with a bondage scarf that she fantasized tying Sean up with.

At the Rose Ceremony, Sean had to decide which two girls to send home, and with Tierra pretty much ineligible to go home since she's the only girl keeping ABC's ratings viable, Sean had a real decision to make.

Sure enough, the last rose of the night went to Tierra, with Selma and Daniella getting sent home. Of course, as the fat girl who had yet to spend any time with Sean, Daniella was the no-brainer.

The big surprise was Selma, who appeared to have some serious chemistry with Sean...At least until she told him that her conservative beliefs prevented her from kissing him.

And while she did give Sean a kiss in this episode by claiming it was "necessary," I'm guessing that Sean wasn't feeling it.

Regardless of Selma's intentions, (it has been rumoured that she only came on the show to make a name for herself in Hollywood), the moment that she let Sean know that she was not available to be sampled like the "whoregasboard" of women he has to choose from, she became worthless to him.

I guess that not only sealed her fate, but proved to America exactly what Sean is really looking for in a woman.

The Bachelor Blog - "She needs a Xanax and to be sent home"

This week was the start of a special two part "Bachelor Event," with enough footage for one episode wrapped up into two!

The week began "in Montana," where for some reason, statues began to crumble for me.

Sean began the trip by awarding the first 1-on-1 date to Lindsey, who was whisked away to Glacier National Park via the "Batch-Copter."

Sean ended up giving Lindsey a rose after telling her he liked her because she was "low maintenance."

Of course, this was the same girl who showed up at their initial meeting wearing a wedding dress, so let's not anoint her "Miss Drama Free" of The Bachelor 2013 quite yet.

The Group Date consisted of an outdoors competition that involved rowing, hay bails, sawing and milking Selma's fake breasts...I mean a goat.

After Desiree got done drinking goat milk to lead her team to victory, Sean decided to let the losing team accompany him on the evening date even though that wasn't part of the original plan.

Of course, that meant that the girls he really liked (Catherine and Lesley) were on the losing team. That caused Desiree to complain about how she had to milk Selma when it didn't really even matter.

Before embarking on a 2-on-1 loser leaves town date with Jackie, Tierra crashed the Group Date Cocktail Party and creepily snuck up behind Sean while he was doing a solo interview.

Tierra LiCausi then proceeded to hand rape his face before making out with him.

Meanwhile, adoptee AshLee confessed to Sean that she felt a "soul connection" with him that she "just couldn't put into words." Of course, the words she was searching for were, "I never really had a dad."

However, it was Daniella who received the Group Date Rose for crying while talking to Sean and being fat.

The 2-on-1 began with Tierra completely dominating Sean's time on a horse riding date, with Jackie getting left behind and not realizing that Tierra had engaged in ex parte salivavication with Sean before their date ever began.

Sean proclaimed, "I definitely like both of these girls," which was complete bullshit, as he wouldn't have sent them both on a date where one of them was guaranteed to go home if he actually liked both of them...Especially with Sarah and the last black girl still left.

Jackie went on to tell Sean how Tierra was fake and that she flirted with some guy at the airport on their way to Montana.

That broke the number one rule you need to follow if you want to stay on The Bachelor, which is to never waste your alone time bitching about one of the other girls, even if she is a total cunt...Let's just call this the "Kacie B/Courtney Robertson Rule."

Speaking of Kacie B. I'm already missing her. I kind of feel deprived when it comes to seeing how much weight she will gain heading into the "After The Final Rose" special. It's a lot like how you don't get to see how much weight the contestants on The Biggest Loser take off after they get sent home.

That caused Sean to pull Tierra aside, who for some reason confessed that her ex-boyfriend was in and out of rehab before he ultimately passed away. Not only did that explain the dent in her forehead (okay, it really didn't), but it did speak volumes about her lack of self esteem.

Ultimately Sean gave the 2-on-1 Date Rose to Tierra, sending Jackie home to work the cosmetic kiosk back at the local mall in Ormond Beach, FL, where she aggressively solicits old people trying to do their morning laps.

At the Rose Ceremony Tierra proclaimed, "I seriously want to punch everyone in the room...I wish I was a fighter...Because I would beat the shit out of every one these other bitches."

Did I mention that Tierra already had a rose and that Sean is looking for an ultra religious girl? I think I smell me a Chuck Woolery!

Tierra's antics caused Desiree to proclaim, "She needs a Xanax and to be sent home."

However, it was Desiree who was surprisingly on the chopping block, as the final Rose came down to Robyn and herself.

Fortunately for Desiree, Robyn was black, and that caused Sean to send her home.

And while ex-Houston Rocket cheerleader Robyn Howard got sent home, it did increase the the size of the class action lawsuit against ABC and The Bachelor for racial discrimination by one.

The Bachelor Blog - "I got the limo, I got the jet. Then he took the Iraqi to the desert!"

As usual, this week's episode began with Sean shirtless. But this week he took things a step further, appearing in nothing but a pair of boxers...But only because they highlighted his high I.Q.

I'm pretty sure that The Bachelorette would get higher ratings if she would start out every episode in nothing but her bra and panites...That is, unless The Bachelorette was Ashley H.

Selma Alameri received the first 1-on-1 date, but was disappointed that she had to share it with her two fake boobs.

Initially excited when Sean took her to a private plane via a limousine, Selma was disappointed when they ended up hopping into a jeep and drove off into the to the desert after landing.

"I got the limo, I got the jet. Then he took the Iraqi to the desert!"

Depending on how you looked at it, that was either racist on Sean's part, or just a sweet gesture to make her feel more at home.

Either way, I don't see the white bread Christian boy winding up with the Muslim...Even if Selma Alameri does have giant fake boobs.

Things seemed to go well between Sean and Selma during a rock climbing expedition, even though it became obvious that she's a total drama queen that's only on the show for the attention instead of Sean.

That much became evident when Selma told Sean that she wasn't able to kiss him even though she "wanted to" due to her conservative religious beliefs. Strangely enough, those beliefs didn't prevent her from getting her boobs and teeth done.

Sadly, I've heard that exact same line about not being able to kiss me many of times from strippers...That is, minus the part about them having conservative religous beliefs and good teeth.

Nonetheless, Sean told Selma that he was crazy about her, and still gave her a Rose.

So Selma Alameri can kiss a guy in public and post it on Facebook? I think my bullshit detector is going off.

The Group Date was billed as a Roller Derby contest, to which AshLee exclaimed "This is not my cup of tea," mainly because she was terrified of all the fat girls on the show this season.

Strangely, Sean also invited Sarah, the one-armed girl, on such a physical date. Then again, it wasn't like she was going to fall and bruise her elbow or anything.

The theme of the this weeks Bachelor Group Date was "Roll with the punches."  While I'm not sure how well she rolls, I'm pretty sure that one-armed Sarah is going to have some problems when it comes to the punches....At least when it comes to her left hook.

Amanda falsely claimed to have participated in Roller Derbies before, mainly to intimidate the other girls. She then proceeded to get knocked down and nearly fracture her chin.

Back at the mansion, Tierra and Robyn had some sort of black girl/white girl tift that was more appropriate for America's Next Top Model. That caused Tierra to storm off claiming that she just wanted to go home, even though she clearly had no intention of doing so.

Tierra then proceeded to interrupt Sean just as he was about to get into the hot tub with Lindsay, and ended up playing the "none of the other girls like me card." That lead to Sean giving her a Rose, much to the other girls' dismay.

Doesn't Tierra LiCausi have the cutest little forehead dimple...chin dimple...And probably ass cheek dimples? At least she has a future as a heel in one of those low level pro wrestling leagues that travel from high school gym to high school gym across the South.


The second 1-on-1 Date went to Leslie H., who was given a pair of diamond earrings, a dress, shoes and a purse in a Rodeo Drive shopping spree. Of course, after saying "Leslie deserves to be treated like a princess," Sean picked her up in a Chrysler.

That caused Leslie H. to proclaim, "It's every girl's dream to shop on Rodeo Drive...This is like Pretty Woman."

And after calling herself a prostitute on national TV, Sean, or rather some high profile jewelry store gave Leslie H. a 120 carat diamond necklace to wear for the evening. However, that one was not for keeps like the other gifts she received.

At least the jeweler had more faith in Leslie H. than most jewelers have in Lindsay Lohan.


And as quickly as Leslie H. said, "Sean has totally taken control and made me feel more like a woman than I ever have in my life," he told her that he did not feel any romantic connection with her and sent her home.

That lead to an awkward moment where Sean had to remove the 120 carat diamond necklace from her neck before she could disappear into the wilderness screaming "Holy moly Batman!"

At the Rose Ceremony, Sean proclaimed "I'm emotionally invested in many of you," which was his way of saying that he was not necessarly feeling everyone.

Sadly, Sean sent Amanda home, probably because with a potentially fractured jaw she was no longer useful to him.

Personally, I don't know what there was not to like about Amanda Meyer, but I guess that's just me.

Super Bowl XLVII Prediction - Because Colin Kaepernick is already an elite quarterback.

Well, our worst fear came true, a "Super-Bro" Super Bowl featuring John and Jim Harbaugh. I just feel bad for their retarded brother Cooper, who never made it into football.

I'm sorry, I should apologize for that last remark. The retarded brother "Cooper" actually belongs to the Mannings, not the Harbaughs.

There are so many questions to debate before finally making my predictions for Super Bowl XLVII.

Will Alicia Keys go all Ray Lewis on Beyonce for all but forcing her to sing the National Anthem live instead of lip syncing it like she secretly wanted to?

Will Joe Flacco re-grow his mustache in attempts to supplant Michael Phelps as Baltimore's biggest hipster wannabe?

Joe Flacco, channelling his inner Freddie Mercury.

Or will Phil Simms step outside his comfort zone like he did in 2007 when he proved that he is not only one of the worst announcers in all of football, but that he also could have been one of the worst actors in all of Hollywood by making a cameo on one of the worst sitcoms since Arrested Development?

When it comes to Super Bowl Sunday, I don't want the football or a microphone anywhere near Phil Simms' hands.

And while there are no sure betting lines in this year's Super Bowl, the one thing we can count on is that there will be more CGI's in crappy mailed in commercials than a George Lucas movie.

Retro Commercial Break: Dennis Hopper's iconic Nike ad campaign as "Stanley the Referee."

And with Roger Goodell reinstating Saints coach Sean Payton from suspension over his role in "Bounty Gate" early to ensure that the local "Coon-Asses" don't make him gator bait for ruining the their 2012-2013 season, let's breakdown how the Ravens and the 49ers match up:

Quarterbacks - Few teams have been able to slow down the "Kaeper-stick" and the 49'ers "Pistol Offense" since he replaced Alex Smith as San Francisco's starter. That's primarily because teams simply don't have the time to prepare new schemes with only one week prep time after training camp breaks.

Apparently, defensive coordinators aren't the only one's with their eyes on Colin Kaepernick's "pistol."

The key question is whether or not the Ravens will be able to come up with anything to adapt to the "Pistol" with an extra week of prep time between the Conference Championship games and the Super Bowl.

San Francisco's "Saint Kaepernick," Colin Kaepernick and whatever the hell you call his ugly beard.

Joe Flacco has never been able to match his big arm with consistent production at the NFL level. However, he has put together an impressive 8-0 TD to interception ratio in the playoffs this year, and no other quarterback in NFL history with such a record heading into the Super Bowl has ever not won MVP honors, let alone not won the game itself.

Advantage - San Francisco.

Receivers - Both teams will run 12 or 22 personnel sets (two tight ends), with San Francisco having the most explosive target at TE in Vernon Davis, who's finally beginning to develop some chemistry with Colin Kaepernic.

While Torrey Smith looked like he was emerging into a go-to receiver earlier in the season, it has been veteran Anquan Boldin who has bailed the Ravens out during the playoffs.

On the other hand, the only time that Michael Crabtree hasn't had his hands on the football of late has been when he's been using them to smack up the bitches (allegedly). But with those charges expected to be dropped this week, Crabtree can go back towards becoming the top tier WR he was drafted to be. That's a good thing, because Randy Moss continues his quest to cement his legacy as a mediocre possession receiver.

Advantage - San Francisco.

Running Game - I've already considered Colin Kaepernick's running ability into my evaluation of the Quarterbacks, so this analysis goes down to the running backs and run blocking of the respective teams.

San Francisco's Frank Gore is not explosive, but powerful enough to punish soft run defenses like that of the Ravens. Meanwhile, Ray Rice is one of the most complete running backs in all of football, and could be one of the few backs to pose a match-up problem for the 49'ers stout defense.

Advantage - Baltimore.

Pass Protection - Baltimore has a makeshift offensive line anchored by suspect tackles, Michael Oher and Brian McKinney. That will leave them vulnerable to Alton Smith...Assuming that he decides to show up at some point during the playoffs.

San Francisco has built one of the better all around lines in football with Joe Staley at left tackle and Mike Iupatti at left guard. Anthony Davis has underachieved for where he was drafted, but isn't a liability at right tackle either.

Advantage: San Francisco.

Pass Rush - Pro Bowl OLB Alton Smith has not been the same since DE Justin Smith suffered a ruptured triceps in Week 15. Not only has Alton not been able to get to the quarterback like he did when he had a strong 5-technique rusher lining up next to him, but he looks like he hasn't even been making an effort, which is even more concerning.

The 49ers desperately need Justin Smith's injury and Alton Smith's attitude to improve before the Super Bowl.

Terrell Suggs has provided a much needed boost to Baltimore's pass rush since his return from injury towards the end of the season, and especially in the playoffs. Paul Kruger has been solid filling in on pass rushing situations, but the key for the Ravens may be getting pressure from a blitzing safety like Bernard Pollard.

Advantage: Baltimore.

Run Defense - San Francisco has excelled in run defense all season, while Baltimore has struggled in that department. Having Ray Lewis return from a torn triceps could help. Perhaps his intensity, instincts and abundance of IGG-1 will carry him in his final NFL game. In all honesty, Lewis is probably too big and slow at this stage of his career to have a meaningful impact. Then again, if deer antler extract makes you faster, maybe Ray Lewis will do us all a favor and run into oncoming traffic.

Sadly, Super Bowl XLVII will be the last time we see the "Ray Lewis Dance."

Advantage: San Francisco.

Pass Defense - San Francisco's defense has done an outstanding job of keeping the game in front of their secondary, limiting opponents to only 6.1 yards per passing attempt. Meanwhile, the Ravens have surrendered only 15 passing TD's on the season while racking up 13 interceptions. Of all the members of their respective secondaries, the Ravens have the biggest playmaker in Ed Reed.

Advantage: Even.

Special Teams - David Akers has been a great kicker over his career, but I can't help but think that the 49ers loyalty to him while cutting Billy Cundiff before the NFC Championship Game might end up costing them the Super Bowl. Jacoby Jones has something to prove for the Ravens after costing the Texans a game with a costly fumble in the last year's playoffs.

Advantage: Baltimore.

Key Players - San Francisco QB Colin Kaepernick, San Francisco DE Alton Smith, San Francisco K David Akers, San Francisco TE Vernon Davis, San Francisco KR Ted Ginn, Jr., San Francisco LB Navarro Bowman; Baltimore QB Joe Flacco, Baltimore RB Ray Rice, Baltimore WR Torrey Smith, Baltimore DE Terrell Suggs.

Intagibles - Things couldn't be going much worse for the Ravens this week. First Ray Lewis has been dogged by the press about his role in the murders at his 1999 Super Bowl party in Atlanta. Now one of the Ravenette cheerleaders is alleging that she was denied a trip with the team to the Super Bowl because she gained weight.

Baltimore Ravens cheerleader Courtney Lenz is alleging that she was left off the Ravenettes roster for Super Bowl XLVII because she gained weight...And upon further review, I'm pretty sure her allegation is correct.

Not to be outdone, San Francisco players Chris Culliver, Ahmad Brooks and Isaac Sopoaga made news for their varying degrees of homophobia...I guess this is what happens the one week all year when bitches play attention to football.

MVP Prediction - Colin Kaepernick, San Francisco.

Kaepernicking

Final Predictions:

San Francisco 27 - Baltimore 24
Baltimore +3.5 over San Francisco
Over 47.5

Colin Kaepernick, shirtless and sporting his abs and tattoos, has already become an elite NFL quarterback.

Season Record Against the Spread:

NFL Results Season to Date: 77-87-3
College Football Results: 38-18-1

The Bachelor Blog - "I want you to act like Kacie, not this crazy person I'm seeing"

This week's episode began with Sean working out shirtless...Mainly because that's the only thing that he has to offer to his female viewers, and also the opposite sex in general.

I could be wrong about this, but I swear Sean was the guy who came on Emily Maynard's season swearing how he wouldn't be the guy who would take his shirt off on TV...I guess even good Christians have their price, and Sean's price was fame. 

The week's first 1-on-1 date went to Lesley M., the political consultant from Washington D.C. Assuming that she's never slept with Gary Condit or Bill Clinton, Lesley actually seemed like one of the more genuine contestants on the show this season.

Their date consisted of a trip to the Guinness Book of Records Museum, which screamed of being a leftover date idea from Emily Maynard's Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge white trash dating extravaganza.

In actuality, Sean revealed that his father had set the Guinness World Record for driving through all of the contiguous U.S. States in the least amount of time.

He then went on to announce that he and Lesley were going to attempt to set the world record for longest onscreen kiss, no matter whether she was willing to or not.

And while it was never revealed who held the prior record, with two hours of network time each week and only 30 or so minutes of substantive footage to show, it's tough to think of another show that has enough dead-air time to even attempt to set such a record.

The only other show with that much air-time to kill is The Biggest Loser, but nobody wants to see sweaty fat people make-out, at least not since The King of Queens went and ruined that visual for everyone.

Fortunately, the show managed to spare Sean and Lesley the 3 minutes and 16 seconds they needed to set the record, even though Lesley barely managed to keep her ass in her 2 Live Crew inspired dress.

Short spandex "Move Something" dresses are apparently making a comeback this year lead by the shows many sausage like contestants who were searching for a much needed casing.

Waiting for Sean to hand her the rose she knew she was about to receive, Lesley called it the "elephant on the table," not realizing that was Sean's pet name for Kacie B.

The Group Date was this season of The Bachelor's annual sports competition, which is usually just a subterfuge to get the girls to wear skimpy clothing.

And instead of just having all the girls just wear lingerie to the Rose Ceremony so he could check them out, Sean decided to have the girls play beach volleyball...Cruelly relegating them to having sand up their hoo-ha's for the next week and a half.

Kacie B. used the game to find some body paint and write a "S" on her boobs...Which stood for small.

Speaking of Kacie B., who got sent home by Ben last season for getting way too focused on trying to disrupt his relationship with eventual winner Courtney, she was back to her old tricks, tattling on Desiree and Amanda to Sean.

And while Sean warned her to mind her own fucking business, he actually ended up sending her home before the Rose Ceremony because of her antics. "I want you to act like Kacie, not this crazy person I'm seeing."

Interestingly enough, when Sean noted how he was starting to see negative sides of people he had never seen before, Kacie B. had the audacity to smile, as if she didn't even realize that he was talking about her.

Much like the past two seasons, Kacie B. will likely fall in love with next year's Bachelor too...She'll just have to do it while watching at home.

The second 1-on-1 Date went to AshLee, the OCD girl who was adopted by a preacher and has so many daddy issues that she will undoubtedly be posing for Penthouse within months of getting sent home.

Of course, immediately before Sean arrived to pick AshLee up, drama queen Tierra magically "fell' down the stairs (off camera) and needed medical attention.

The fall apparently left the imprint of a mini set of butt cheeks in Tierra LiCausi's forehead.

That didn't sit well with AshLee, who said, "I think Tierra's the boy who cried wolf...I'm a smart woman, I can see through it."

Sean and AshLee finally made it to their date, which consisted of a private day at the Six Flags amusement park.

The only catch was that they also had to entertain a girl who had some sort of chronic illness, as well as some other chick who seemed to be afflicted with the ever so popular "zombie virus."

Seriously, I'd rather do the girl with the "Throa-Tie" than the girl with the nub, but then again, I may be prejudiced.

AshLee did her best to act like a good sport though, and eventually she told Sean her story about how she had gone through a handful of crappy foster families before finally getting adopted by a preacher and his family.

That resulted in Sean to giving her the "Rose of Sexual Abuse," as well as as engaging in as steamy of a make-out session as you can imagine having with a girl who was obviously sexually abused...So yes, it was actually pretty hot.

Oh yeah, Sean and AshLee (as well as the two handicapped girls) were also treated to a private concert from some overrated band that I'd barely heard of...To keep things simple for those of you reading along, let's just call them "The Zac Brown Band."

At the Cocktail Party, Sean felt bad for nubby Sarah.

After all, she had already landed the season's first 1-on-1 Date, so there was no way Sean was going to send her on the volleyball group date...No matter how funny it would have been to watch a one-armed chick play volleyball.

Being the gentleman he is, Sean arranged for Sarah's dog to arrive via limousine...Because there weren't enough bitches in the house already pissing on the floor to mark their territory.

Tierra began talking to Sean, but ended up watching him get "stolen" away from her by Robyn.

You may remember Robyn as the the Houston Rocket cheerleader who only dates black guys, but for some reason tried to call Sean out for not liking black girls...Confused yet? Me neither!

Not to be outdone, Tierra then came back to steal Sean back from Robyn, who asked, "Am I getting stolen?" Of course, it was actually Sean who was getting stolen back from her, but I don't ever remember a rose getting handed out to the girl with the most intelligence.

Desiree got the final rose of the evening, who's one of the girls that I actually like. That sent Ford Model Kristi Kaminski home, as well as some girl named Taryn, who I can only assume was a stripper given her name.


Kristi Kaminski's time on The Bachelor may have been short, but at least she showed us her signature modeling pose...The "rolled down panty" "sexting" photograph...Sadly, it looks like she posted these photos herself.

The Bachelor Blog - "My ability to love someone is not affected by how many arms I have"

With the first Rose Ceremony out of the way, Sean chose Sarah, the one armed chick to go on the season's worst, oops, I mean "first" 1-on-1 date.

Of course, that probably was a safest decision, considering that none of the other girls could get upset about his choice without coming across as a major bitch.

Then again, this is The Bachelor, and Kacie B. is on the show, who as a former contestant still hasn't gotten over the glamour of the "Batch-Copter."

"Oh my gosh, Sean's picking her up in a helicopter. Not a car, not any normal mode of transportation,  helicopter!"

Of course, Sean made the mistake of jumping into the helicopter first, which forced Sarah to sit with her nub side closest to him. That was something that was obviously rectified off camera, as by the next seen they had magically switched places.

Sarah proclaimed that "My ability to love someone is not affected by how many arms. I have." Unfortunately for her, Sean's ability to love her back is. Nonetheless, she still got a rose.

The Group Date consisted of a photo shoot to see who would appear on the cover of a series of romance novels with Sean.

The shoot consisted of three major themes, all of which appealed to the sensuality of women: Cowboys, the Antebellum South, and vampires.
 
No seriously, even adult women turn to fucking vampires when it comes time to break out their silver bullets...And no, I'm not talking about killing werewolves.

As a Ford Model, Kristi Kaminski, half naked and in her panties in this shot, had a huge advantage at the photo shoot...Actually, make that two huge advantages when you factor in her boobs.

Lesley M., dressed as a "hot cowgirl" became the first girl to kiss Sean, almost letting the moment pass before saying, "I just wanted to leave you with that...Short and sweet."

Kacie B. acted as if she had a crush on Sean, although I'm definitely questioning her motives for coming back on the show...That is, aside from the free food Craft Service table.

And while Sean did end up giving her the Group Date Rose, he still seemed to relegate her to the "friendship zone" saying only that he was "open to explore" the potential of a relationship with Kacie B.

On the other hand, Catherine got right to the point with Sean by saying, "I'm a vegan, but I love the beef," which certainly caught Sean's attention as he said "That is so great!", even though he's clearly a closet carnivore himself.

Meanwhile, Tierra seemed to be turning into the season's villain that all of the girls immediately hated while having Sean fooled at the same time, as he called her "Sweet and genuine."

Finally, Katie the yoga girl, decided that she was too earthy and not pageantry enough to appeal to Sean or the producers, so she decided to leave the show voluntarily.

And if Katie was just secretly begging for Sean to give her an excuse to stick around, he quickly dismissed her by saying, "Okay, well let me walk you out then."

The second 1-on-1 date went to Desiree, who Sean took to a fake art exhibit under the guise that she would unknowingly break a fake piece of art that she was told that was worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.

As you might expect, that gag was exactly as funny as it sounds, sending Sean's popularity and ABC's ratings through the roof...It also all but guaranteed Desiree a rose, as she was a good sport about Sean's elaborate gag.

At the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, Robyn wondered if Sean was attracted to black women.

Interestingly, from looking at her pictures, Robyn Howard doesn't appear to be all that interested in cracka's herself.

However, Sean quickly reassured her by informing Robyn he had previously dated a woman of African American decent over the Internet for the the past two years named Lennay Kekua.

Amanda, who alienated herself from the other girls by refusing to interact with them, only choosing to put on her happy face and perk up when Sean came into the room, received the final rose of the evening.

That left Sean to send home the black girl who didn't put him on the spot by indirectly asking him if he was racist, as well as the Mormon girl (Diana), 'cause that shit wasn't going to fly in Texas.

The Bachelor Blog - "I feel like it's easier just to date a girl with two arms"

Well ho-ly-shit. As someone who has blogged the last two seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, you'd think I'd be on top of things like when a new season is starting.

It wasn't until today when I picked my USA Today, curious to see what interesting pie charts might turn up in the "purple section" that I realized that a new season of The Bachelor was starting tonight when I happened to glance at the TV listings.

After doing my due diligence, I found out that this season's Bachelor is Sean Lowe, who finished a distant third place to Jef and Arie in the "Emily Maynard 500."

Even though he professes to being a family man in search of true love, Sean has somehow managed to stay single despite having nearly perfect looks and having played college football at Kansas State.

Either all women are secretly attracted to guys who wear Ed Hardy t-shirts and play acoustic guitar instead of genuine nice guys, or there's something about Sean that I'm not picking up on , I just can't quite figure out what it is (In case you're new to the show, Sean's the shirtless guy standing next to the "bear" who's taking their picture in a bathroom. He's also a "born again virgin"). 

I'm not sure if Sean's single because he has even less personality than former Bachelor Ben Flajnik, or because he's secretly abusive behind closed doors like former Bachelor Jake Pavelka, but either way it looks like we're in for a boring season unless the girls carry it.

In fact, the producers even went as far as to bring back Arie Luyendyk, Jr., who was clearly posturing to become the next Bachelor, to teach Sean how to kiss and be more personable...But mainly just how to be more personable since Sean doesn't seem interested in kissing many girls this season.

As usual, this season has the standard mix of desperate girls who are either on the show to advance their modeling careers so they can get a cameo in Maxim, make a name for themselves in country music, or finally upgrade their career from hairdresser to stripper after they get sent home for getting just a little too drunk on the first night.

No, this isn't Sarah the one armed girl, this is Ashley Palenkas getting shit faced drunk.

Ashley Palenkas is also the girl who brought a bondage strap onto the show because she's a little too obsesses with "50 Shades of Grey." And remember, when using bondage ropes and other kinky shit in bed, always make sure you have a safety word...Like "Bright Light."

The good news is that The Bachelor brings out just about every negative quality that guys see in women...Girls desperate to marry the first quasi famous guy they see, women who make multiple appearances on different variations of The Bachelor trilogy, and single Mormon moms from Utah.

Sean began by saying how he went back home to Dallas heartbroken after Emily Maynard's season...That was, until he read about how much of a gigantic gold-digging redneck bitch she is in real life.

As possibly the whitest guy in America, Sean was also presented with a challenge this season in light of multiple lawsuits filed against The Bachelor accusing the show of racism.

Not only was the conservative southerner presented with four black girls in his dating pool, but they threw a girl who was born with only one arm, perhaps just to take some of the attention off of the whole racism thing.

Of course, casting a chick who only has one arm might turn out to be a brilliant move by the producers.

Not only did it force Sean to keep her around for fear of coming across as the most shallow person in America, but it enhanced the chances that some distraught girl who just got eliminated will go on to say something along the lines of, "I can't believe he kept the girl with one arm instead of me!"

Not that any of us can really judge...Considering that's exactly what all of us were thinking when he sent home some perfectly hot but emotionally unstable girls in favor of the girl with the nub.

Retro Commercial Break: Burger Chef Star Wars Fun Meals...Fuck Hardy's for buying them out.

Sean began the show by breaking protocol and handed out roses to the girls as the evening went along instead of waiting until the Rose Ceremony.

That caused all of the girls who received one to think that they had received the valuable First Impression Rose, while all the girls who did not receive one instinctually ended up hating the girls who did.

As Sean met the girls, we learned that one of the girls in the Heathers-esque pod of Ashley's (the one from Michigan) was so obsessed with the Fifty Shades of Grey novels that she brought a bondage strap to make an impression on Sean with.

That did seem to make an impression on Sean. However it was the wrong kind of impression, who by all means seems pretty conservative (notwithstanding the part where he's secretly gay).

In fact, in regards to Ashley Sean said, "I also brought a rape whistle in case I'm in trouble."

And if her bondage strap wasn't enough to kill Ashley P's chances heading into the Rose Ceremony, she did a drunken booty dance to distract Sean as she waited for Sean to finish talking with one of the other girls.

That caused him to call her "Fifty Shades of Drunk."

Sarah, the one armed chick, mustered up the courage to talk to Sean and explain to him that was born with only one arm, as he tried his best to look her in the eyes and act as if he hadn't noticed.

She went on to lament to the camera in the confession room about how difficult it is to date in light of her disability.

"They feel like it's easier just to date a girl with two arms...The only thing that comes to mind why I'm still single is because I only have one arm."

And with that statement, Sarah definitively proved that losing a digit only makes your other senses that much sharper.

And then again, not having an arm isn't anything that a handful of $2 bills can't solve for Sarah Herron.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of some of the girls who did and did not receive a Rose on the first night, and my initial impressions of them:

Selma Alameri - Selma, a real estate agent from San Diego listed her three most important qualities in a man in her bio as "personality, personality, personality."

And that obviously explains Selma Almeri's melon sized fake boobs.

Catherine Giudici -This girl has some teeth. Not "summer teeth," as in "some are there and some aren't," because they all seem to be there. She her teeth or gums just seem really jacked up. However, Sean still seemed very interested in her.

Paige Vigil - After a cameo appearance on The Bachelor Pad as an un-memorable super fan before she immediately got voted out, the producers for some reason decided to cast her on The Bachelor even though she wasn't all that pretty, smart or memorable.

And while she's employed as a Jumbo-Tron operator (Seriously, how cool of a job is that?), Sean apparently wanted no part of her operating his not so Jumbo-Tron, which isn't all that surprising...All things considered.

Sean's just checking to make sure that his junk is still there after all of the steroids he's taken.

But don't feel bad for Paige, aside from giving Charlie O'Connell a blow job, she pretty much crossed all of the items of her Bachelor related bucket list in just 6 short months.

Robyn Howard - Robyn, a former Houston Rocket cheerleader tried to impress Sean by getting out of her limo and doing a back-handspring in her evening gown.

Robyn Howard, the former Houston Rockets cheerleader, either moonlights as a mechanical engineer or in marketing as an account manager, depending on which of her many bio statements you choose to believe.

And since she ended up face planting, I'm guessing that her real plan must have been to pull an "Anne Hathaway" with her evening gown to entice Sean to keep her around.

Lindsay Yenter - For some reason Lindsay decided to wear a wedding dress to meet Sean the first night. She also went in for two awkward kisses that weren't exactly reciprocated by Sean.

Lindsay Yenter showed up on The Bachelor by wearing a wedding dress...Because there's nothing that a guy likes more than dating a girl who's just a little too desperate to get married.

Desiree Hartsock - Desiree, a bridal dress designer, must have been fucking furious when Lindsay showed up to the mansion wearing a cheap ass wedding gown as a joke to get Sean's attention.

I haven't seen someone steal another girl's thunder like that since the the white trash girl from Louisville showed up for Ben's season talking about how she was a horse girl just because she was from the home of The Kentucky Derby, only to see Lindzi ride up to the mansion on her real life horse!

Sarah Herron- To prove their political correctness, The Bachelor producers decided to put a one armed girl on the show.

Honestly, in light of all the recent discrimination claims filed against them, The Bachelor should probably just go ahead and make Sarah their next Bachelorette once Sean politely sends her home after the third week by saying "It's not you, it's your lack of a left arm."

Not only is she fairly pretty once you get used to the fact that she has a nub and a big ass, but she should have a built in bullshit monitor to weed out the guys who only come on the show to advance their Arena Football careers, expand their lumber empires, and improve their weather forecasts.

Kristi Kaminski - Kristi is a Ford model from Wisconsin who keeps telling Sean that she's "the best from the Midwest," which is kind of like saying your the best football team from the Big Ten.

Then again, bragging about being the best football team in the Big Ten is pretty much the same thing as saying that your the best girl of the Midwest, so I digress.

As a model, I'm not saying that Kristi Kaminski has an ulterior motive for coming on The Bachelor...But she does.

Jackie Parr - Jackie is a cosmetics consultant from Boynton Beach, FL who by putting the word "consultant" into her job title will make people think that selling make up from a mall kiosk is a  glamorous position.

Then again, when you have to compete against girls from past seasons like Dr. Blakeley Shea, the esthetician, I guess you do what you have to do to make yourself look smart.

Tierra LiCausi - Tierra is the girl who received the very first rose from Sean, and then started walking around the house like she had just made it to the final two.

"I know that other girls got roses, but they didn't get a rose right out of the limo without even saying a sentence to him."

 I don't know what went wrong with Tierra LiCausi's eyebrows, but she's the hottest thing to hit animatronics since "Carlos E. Queso."

AshLee Frazier - AshLee spent time in six foster homes before being adopted by a Pastor. She's also a professional organizer who professes that she's absolutely obsessed with organizing things, so she's clearly all sorts of OCD.

My guess is that AshLee has more daddy issues than Kacie B. from Ben's season, which may end up panning out well for Sean if he takes her to the Fantasy Suite.

Kacie B. - Speaking of Kacie Bulimia, after all of the contestants had arrived via limousine, Chris Harrison informed Sean that there was a former contestant who had called the show dying to come on one more time just to get more camera time...I mean have a chance at dating Sean.

And just when I was sure that it was going to be Shawntel, Kacie B. popped out of the limousine. You might remember her as the former bulimic from Ben's season who had her chances ruined by her ultra religious and domineering parents during her "home town date."