Super Bowl XLVII Prediction - Because Colin Kaepernick is already an elite quarterback.

Well, our worst fear came true, a "Super-Bro" Super Bowl featuring John and Jim Harbaugh. I just feel bad for their retarded brother Cooper, who never made it into football.

I'm sorry, I should apologize for that last remark. The retarded brother "Cooper" actually belongs to the Mannings, not the Harbaughs.

There are so many questions to debate before finally making my predictions for Super Bowl XLVII.

Will Alicia Keys go all Ray Lewis on Beyonce for all but forcing her to sing the National Anthem live instead of lip syncing it like she secretly wanted to?

Will Joe Flacco re-grow his mustache in attempts to supplant Michael Phelps as Baltimore's biggest hipster wannabe?

Joe Flacco, channelling his inner Freddie Mercury.

Or will Phil Simms step outside his comfort zone like he did in 2007 when he proved that he is not only one of the worst announcers in all of football, but that he also could have been one of the worst actors in all of Hollywood by making a cameo on one of the worst sitcoms since Arrested Development?

When it comes to Super Bowl Sunday, I don't want the football or a microphone anywhere near Phil Simms' hands.

And while there are no sure betting lines in this year's Super Bowl, the one thing we can count on is that there will be more CGI's in crappy mailed in commercials than a George Lucas movie.

Retro Commercial Break: Dennis Hopper's iconic Nike ad campaign as "Stanley the Referee."

And with Roger Goodell reinstating Saints coach Sean Payton from suspension over his role in "Bounty Gate" early to ensure that the local "Coon-Asses" don't make him gator bait for ruining the their 2012-2013 season, let's breakdown how the Ravens and the 49ers match up:

Quarterbacks - Few teams have been able to slow down the "Kaeper-stick" and the 49'ers "Pistol Offense" since he replaced Alex Smith as San Francisco's starter. That's primarily because teams simply don't have the time to prepare new schemes with only one week prep time after training camp breaks.

Apparently, defensive coordinators aren't the only one's with their eyes on Colin Kaepernick's "pistol."

The key question is whether or not the Ravens will be able to come up with anything to adapt to the "Pistol" with an extra week of prep time between the Conference Championship games and the Super Bowl.

San Francisco's "Saint Kaepernick," Colin Kaepernick and whatever the hell you call his ugly beard.

Joe Flacco has never been able to match his big arm with consistent production at the NFL level. However, he has put together an impressive 8-0 TD to interception ratio in the playoffs this year, and no other quarterback in NFL history with such a record heading into the Super Bowl has ever not won MVP honors, let alone not won the game itself.

Advantage - San Francisco.

Receivers - Both teams will run 12 or 22 personnel sets (two tight ends), with San Francisco having the most explosive target at TE in Vernon Davis, who's finally beginning to develop some chemistry with Colin Kaepernic.

While Torrey Smith looked like he was emerging into a go-to receiver earlier in the season, it has been veteran Anquan Boldin who has bailed the Ravens out during the playoffs.

On the other hand, the only time that Michael Crabtree hasn't had his hands on the football of late has been when he's been using them to smack up the bitches (allegedly). But with those charges expected to be dropped this week, Crabtree can go back towards becoming the top tier WR he was drafted to be. That's a good thing, because Randy Moss continues his quest to cement his legacy as a mediocre possession receiver.

Advantage - San Francisco.

Running Game - I've already considered Colin Kaepernick's running ability into my evaluation of the Quarterbacks, so this analysis goes down to the running backs and run blocking of the respective teams.

San Francisco's Frank Gore is not explosive, but powerful enough to punish soft run defenses like that of the Ravens. Meanwhile, Ray Rice is one of the most complete running backs in all of football, and could be one of the few backs to pose a match-up problem for the 49'ers stout defense.

Advantage - Baltimore.

Pass Protection - Baltimore has a makeshift offensive line anchored by suspect tackles, Michael Oher and Brian McKinney. That will leave them vulnerable to Alton Smith...Assuming that he decides to show up at some point during the playoffs.

San Francisco has built one of the better all around lines in football with Joe Staley at left tackle and Mike Iupatti at left guard. Anthony Davis has underachieved for where he was drafted, but isn't a liability at right tackle either.

Advantage: San Francisco.

Pass Rush - Pro Bowl OLB Alton Smith has not been the same since DE Justin Smith suffered a ruptured triceps in Week 15. Not only has Alton not been able to get to the quarterback like he did when he had a strong 5-technique rusher lining up next to him, but he looks like he hasn't even been making an effort, which is even more concerning.

The 49ers desperately need Justin Smith's injury and Alton Smith's attitude to improve before the Super Bowl.

Terrell Suggs has provided a much needed boost to Baltimore's pass rush since his return from injury towards the end of the season, and especially in the playoffs. Paul Kruger has been solid filling in on pass rushing situations, but the key for the Ravens may be getting pressure from a blitzing safety like Bernard Pollard.

Advantage: Baltimore.

Run Defense - San Francisco has excelled in run defense all season, while Baltimore has struggled in that department. Having Ray Lewis return from a torn triceps could help. Perhaps his intensity, instincts and abundance of IGG-1 will carry him in his final NFL game. In all honesty, Lewis is probably too big and slow at this stage of his career to have a meaningful impact. Then again, if deer antler extract makes you faster, maybe Ray Lewis will do us all a favor and run into oncoming traffic.

Sadly, Super Bowl XLVII will be the last time we see the "Ray Lewis Dance."

Advantage: San Francisco.

Pass Defense - San Francisco's defense has done an outstanding job of keeping the game in front of their secondary, limiting opponents to only 6.1 yards per passing attempt. Meanwhile, the Ravens have surrendered only 15 passing TD's on the season while racking up 13 interceptions. Of all the members of their respective secondaries, the Ravens have the biggest playmaker in Ed Reed.

Advantage: Even.

Special Teams - David Akers has been a great kicker over his career, but I can't help but think that the 49ers loyalty to him while cutting Billy Cundiff before the NFC Championship Game might end up costing them the Super Bowl. Jacoby Jones has something to prove for the Ravens after costing the Texans a game with a costly fumble in the last year's playoffs.

Advantage: Baltimore.

Key Players - San Francisco QB Colin Kaepernick, San Francisco DE Alton Smith, San Francisco K David Akers, San Francisco TE Vernon Davis, San Francisco KR Ted Ginn, Jr., San Francisco LB Navarro Bowman; Baltimore QB Joe Flacco, Baltimore RB Ray Rice, Baltimore WR Torrey Smith, Baltimore DE Terrell Suggs.

Intagibles - Things couldn't be going much worse for the Ravens this week. First Ray Lewis has been dogged by the press about his role in the murders at his 1999 Super Bowl party in Atlanta. Now one of the Ravenette cheerleaders is alleging that she was denied a trip with the team to the Super Bowl because she gained weight.

Baltimore Ravens cheerleader Courtney Lenz is alleging that she was left off the Ravenettes roster for Super Bowl XLVII because she gained weight...And upon further review, I'm pretty sure her allegation is correct.

Not to be outdone, San Francisco players Chris Culliver, Ahmad Brooks and Isaac Sopoaga made news for their varying degrees of homophobia...I guess this is what happens the one week all year when bitches play attention to football.

MVP Prediction - Colin Kaepernick, San Francisco.

Kaepernicking

Final Predictions:

San Francisco 27 - Baltimore 24
Baltimore +3.5 over San Francisco
Over 47.5

Colin Kaepernick, shirtless and sporting his abs and tattoos, has already become an elite NFL quarterback.

Season Record Against the Spread:

NFL Results Season to Date: 77-87-3
College Football Results: 38-18-1

The Bachelor Blog - "I want you to act like Kacie, not this crazy person I'm seeing"

This week's episode began with Sean working out shirtless...Mainly because that's the only thing that he has to offer to his female viewers, and also the opposite sex in general.

I could be wrong about this, but I swear Sean was the guy who came on Emily Maynard's season swearing how he wouldn't be the guy who would take his shirt off on TV...I guess even good Christians have their price, and Sean's price was fame. 

The week's first 1-on-1 date went to Lesley M., the political consultant from Washington D.C. Assuming that she's never slept with Gary Condit or Bill Clinton, Lesley actually seemed like one of the more genuine contestants on the show this season.

Their date consisted of a trip to the Guinness Book of Records Museum, which screamed of being a leftover date idea from Emily Maynard's Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge white trash dating extravaganza.

In actuality, Sean revealed that his father had set the Guinness World Record for driving through all of the contiguous U.S. States in the least amount of time.

He then went on to announce that he and Lesley were going to attempt to set the world record for longest onscreen kiss, no matter whether she was willing to or not.

And while it was never revealed who held the prior record, with two hours of network time each week and only 30 or so minutes of substantive footage to show, it's tough to think of another show that has enough dead-air time to even attempt to set such a record.

The only other show with that much air-time to kill is The Biggest Loser, but nobody wants to see sweaty fat people make-out, at least not since The King of Queens went and ruined that visual for everyone.

Fortunately, the show managed to spare Sean and Lesley the 3 minutes and 16 seconds they needed to set the record, even though Lesley barely managed to keep her ass in her 2 Live Crew inspired dress.

Short spandex "Move Something" dresses are apparently making a comeback this year lead by the shows many sausage like contestants who were searching for a much needed casing.

Waiting for Sean to hand her the rose she knew she was about to receive, Lesley called it the "elephant on the table," not realizing that was Sean's pet name for Kacie B.

The Group Date was this season of The Bachelor's annual sports competition, which is usually just a subterfuge to get the girls to wear skimpy clothing.

And instead of just having all the girls just wear lingerie to the Rose Ceremony so he could check them out, Sean decided to have the girls play beach volleyball...Cruelly relegating them to having sand up their hoo-ha's for the next week and a half.

Kacie B. used the game to find some body paint and write a "S" on her boobs...Which stood for small.

Speaking of Kacie B., who got sent home by Ben last season for getting way too focused on trying to disrupt his relationship with eventual winner Courtney, she was back to her old tricks, tattling on Desiree and Amanda to Sean.

And while Sean warned her to mind her own fucking business, he actually ended up sending her home before the Rose Ceremony because of her antics. "I want you to act like Kacie, not this crazy person I'm seeing."

Interestingly enough, when Sean noted how he was starting to see negative sides of people he had never seen before, Kacie B. had the audacity to smile, as if she didn't even realize that he was talking about her.

Much like the past two seasons, Kacie B. will likely fall in love with next year's Bachelor too...She'll just have to do it while watching at home.

The second 1-on-1 Date went to AshLee, the OCD girl who was adopted by a preacher and has so many daddy issues that she will undoubtedly be posing for Penthouse within months of getting sent home.

Of course, immediately before Sean arrived to pick AshLee up, drama queen Tierra magically "fell' down the stairs (off camera) and needed medical attention.

The fall apparently left the imprint of a mini set of butt cheeks in Tierra LiCausi's forehead.

That didn't sit well with AshLee, who said, "I think Tierra's the boy who cried wolf...I'm a smart woman, I can see through it."

Sean and AshLee finally made it to their date, which consisted of a private day at the Six Flags amusement park.

The only catch was that they also had to entertain a girl who had some sort of chronic illness, as well as some other chick who seemed to be afflicted with the ever so popular "zombie virus."

Seriously, I'd rather do the girl with the "Throa-Tie" than the girl with the nub, but then again, I may be prejudiced.

AshLee did her best to act like a good sport though, and eventually she told Sean her story about how she had gone through a handful of crappy foster families before finally getting adopted by a preacher and his family.

That resulted in Sean to giving her the "Rose of Sexual Abuse," as well as as engaging in as steamy of a make-out session as you can imagine having with a girl who was obviously sexually abused...So yes, it was actually pretty hot.

Oh yeah, Sean and AshLee (as well as the two handicapped girls) were also treated to a private concert from some overrated band that I'd barely heard of...To keep things simple for those of you reading along, let's just call them "The Zac Brown Band."

At the Cocktail Party, Sean felt bad for nubby Sarah.

After all, she had already landed the season's first 1-on-1 Date, so there was no way Sean was going to send her on the volleyball group date...No matter how funny it would have been to watch a one-armed chick play volleyball.

Being the gentleman he is, Sean arranged for Sarah's dog to arrive via limousine...Because there weren't enough bitches in the house already pissing on the floor to mark their territory.

Tierra began talking to Sean, but ended up watching him get "stolen" away from her by Robyn.

You may remember Robyn as the the Houston Rocket cheerleader who only dates black guys, but for some reason tried to call Sean out for not liking black girls...Confused yet? Me neither!

Not to be outdone, Tierra then came back to steal Sean back from Robyn, who asked, "Am I getting stolen?" Of course, it was actually Sean who was getting stolen back from her, but I don't ever remember a rose getting handed out to the girl with the most intelligence.

Desiree got the final rose of the evening, who's one of the girls that I actually like. That sent Ford Model Kristi Kaminski home, as well as some girl named Taryn, who I can only assume was a stripper given her name.


Kristi Kaminski's time on The Bachelor may have been short, but at least she showed us her signature modeling pose...The "rolled down panty" "sexting" photograph...Sadly, it looks like she posted these photos herself.

The Bachelor Blog - "My ability to love someone is not affected by how many arms I have"

With the first Rose Ceremony out of the way, Sean chose Sarah, the one armed chick to go on the season's worst, oops, I mean "first" 1-on-1 date.

Of course, that probably was a safest decision, considering that none of the other girls could get upset about his choice without coming across as a major bitch.

Then again, this is The Bachelor, and Kacie B. is on the show, who as a former contestant still hasn't gotten over the glamour of the "Batch-Copter."

"Oh my gosh, Sean's picking her up in a helicopter. Not a car, not any normal mode of transportation,  helicopter!"

Of course, Sean made the mistake of jumping into the helicopter first, which forced Sarah to sit with her nub side closest to him. That was something that was obviously rectified off camera, as by the next seen they had magically switched places.

Sarah proclaimed that "My ability to love someone is not affected by how many arms. I have." Unfortunately for her, Sean's ability to love her back is. Nonetheless, she still got a rose.

The Group Date consisted of a photo shoot to see who would appear on the cover of a series of romance novels with Sean.

The shoot consisted of three major themes, all of which appealed to the sensuality of women: Cowboys, the Antebellum South, and vampires.
 
No seriously, even adult women turn to fucking vampires when it comes time to break out their silver bullets...And no, I'm not talking about killing werewolves.

As a Ford Model, Kristi Kaminski, half naked and in her panties in this shot, had a huge advantage at the photo shoot...Actually, make that two huge advantages when you factor in her boobs.

Lesley M., dressed as a "hot cowgirl" became the first girl to kiss Sean, almost letting the moment pass before saying, "I just wanted to leave you with that...Short and sweet."

Kacie B. acted as if she had a crush on Sean, although I'm definitely questioning her motives for coming back on the show...That is, aside from the free food Craft Service table.

And while Sean did end up giving her the Group Date Rose, he still seemed to relegate her to the "friendship zone" saying only that he was "open to explore" the potential of a relationship with Kacie B.

On the other hand, Catherine got right to the point with Sean by saying, "I'm a vegan, but I love the beef," which certainly caught Sean's attention as he said "That is so great!", even though he's clearly a closet carnivore himself.

Meanwhile, Tierra seemed to be turning into the season's villain that all of the girls immediately hated while having Sean fooled at the same time, as he called her "Sweet and genuine."

Finally, Katie the yoga girl, decided that she was too earthy and not pageantry enough to appeal to Sean or the producers, so she decided to leave the show voluntarily.

And if Katie was just secretly begging for Sean to give her an excuse to stick around, he quickly dismissed her by saying, "Okay, well let me walk you out then."

The second 1-on-1 date went to Desiree, who Sean took to a fake art exhibit under the guise that she would unknowingly break a fake piece of art that she was told that was worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.

As you might expect, that gag was exactly as funny as it sounds, sending Sean's popularity and ABC's ratings through the roof...It also all but guaranteed Desiree a rose, as she was a good sport about Sean's elaborate gag.

At the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, Robyn wondered if Sean was attracted to black women.

Interestingly, from looking at her pictures, Robyn Howard doesn't appear to be all that interested in cracka's herself.

However, Sean quickly reassured her by informing Robyn he had previously dated a woman of African American decent over the Internet for the the past two years named Lennay Kekua.

Amanda, who alienated herself from the other girls by refusing to interact with them, only choosing to put on her happy face and perk up when Sean came into the room, received the final rose of the evening.

That left Sean to send home the black girl who didn't put him on the spot by indirectly asking him if he was racist, as well as the Mormon girl (Diana), 'cause that shit wasn't going to fly in Texas.

The Bachelor Blog - "I feel like it's easier just to date a girl with two arms"

Well ho-ly-shit. As someone who has blogged the last two seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, you'd think I'd be on top of things like when a new season is starting.

It wasn't until today when I picked my USA Today, curious to see what interesting pie charts might turn up in the "purple section" that I realized that a new season of The Bachelor was starting tonight when I happened to glance at the TV listings.

After doing my due diligence, I found out that this season's Bachelor is Sean Lowe, who finished a distant third place to Jef and Arie in the "Emily Maynard 500."

Even though he professes to being a family man in search of true love, Sean has somehow managed to stay single despite having nearly perfect looks and having played college football at Kansas State.

Either all women are secretly attracted to guys who wear Ed Hardy t-shirts and play acoustic guitar instead of genuine nice guys, or there's something about Sean that I'm not picking up on , I just can't quite figure out what it is (In case you're new to the show, Sean's the shirtless guy standing next to the "bear" who's taking their picture in a bathroom. He's also a "born again virgin"). 

I'm not sure if Sean's single because he has even less personality than former Bachelor Ben Flajnik, or because he's secretly abusive behind closed doors like former Bachelor Jake Pavelka, but either way it looks like we're in for a boring season unless the girls carry it.

In fact, the producers even went as far as to bring back Arie Luyendyk, Jr., who was clearly posturing to become the next Bachelor, to teach Sean how to kiss and be more personable...But mainly just how to be more personable since Sean doesn't seem interested in kissing many girls this season.

As usual, this season has the standard mix of desperate girls who are either on the show to advance their modeling careers so they can get a cameo in Maxim, make a name for themselves in country music, or finally upgrade their career from hairdresser to stripper after they get sent home for getting just a little too drunk on the first night.

No, this isn't Sarah the one armed girl, this is Ashley Palenkas getting shit faced drunk.

Ashley Palenkas is also the girl who brought a bondage strap onto the show because she's a little too obsesses with "50 Shades of Grey." And remember, when using bondage ropes and other kinky shit in bed, always make sure you have a safety word...Like "Bright Light."

The good news is that The Bachelor brings out just about every negative quality that guys see in women...Girls desperate to marry the first quasi famous guy they see, women who make multiple appearances on different variations of The Bachelor trilogy, and single Mormon moms from Utah.

Sean began by saying how he went back home to Dallas heartbroken after Emily Maynard's season...That was, until he read about how much of a gigantic gold-digging redneck bitch she is in real life.

As possibly the whitest guy in America, Sean was also presented with a challenge this season in light of multiple lawsuits filed against The Bachelor accusing the show of racism.

Not only was the conservative southerner presented with four black girls in his dating pool, but they threw a girl who was born with only one arm, perhaps just to take some of the attention off of the whole racism thing.

Of course, casting a chick who only has one arm might turn out to be a brilliant move by the producers.

Not only did it force Sean to keep her around for fear of coming across as the most shallow person in America, but it enhanced the chances that some distraught girl who just got eliminated will go on to say something along the lines of, "I can't believe he kept the girl with one arm instead of me!"

Not that any of us can really judge...Considering that's exactly what all of us were thinking when he sent home some perfectly hot but emotionally unstable girls in favor of the girl with the nub.

Retro Commercial Break: Burger Chef Star Wars Fun Meals...Fuck Hardy's for buying them out.

Sean began the show by breaking protocol and handed out roses to the girls as the evening went along instead of waiting until the Rose Ceremony.

That caused all of the girls who received one to think that they had received the valuable First Impression Rose, while all the girls who did not receive one instinctually ended up hating the girls who did.

As Sean met the girls, we learned that one of the girls in the Heathers-esque pod of Ashley's (the one from Michigan) was so obsessed with the Fifty Shades of Grey novels that she brought a bondage strap to make an impression on Sean with.

That did seem to make an impression on Sean. However it was the wrong kind of impression, who by all means seems pretty conservative (notwithstanding the part where he's secretly gay).

In fact, in regards to Ashley Sean said, "I also brought a rape whistle in case I'm in trouble."

And if her bondage strap wasn't enough to kill Ashley P's chances heading into the Rose Ceremony, she did a drunken booty dance to distract Sean as she waited for Sean to finish talking with one of the other girls.

That caused him to call her "Fifty Shades of Drunk."

Sarah, the one armed chick, mustered up the courage to talk to Sean and explain to him that was born with only one arm, as he tried his best to look her in the eyes and act as if he hadn't noticed.

She went on to lament to the camera in the confession room about how difficult it is to date in light of her disability.

"They feel like it's easier just to date a girl with two arms...The only thing that comes to mind why I'm still single is because I only have one arm."

And with that statement, Sarah definitively proved that losing a digit only makes your other senses that much sharper.

And then again, not having an arm isn't anything that a handful of $2 bills can't solve for Sarah Herron.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of some of the girls who did and did not receive a Rose on the first night, and my initial impressions of them:

Selma Alameri - Selma, a real estate agent from San Diego listed her three most important qualities in a man in her bio as "personality, personality, personality."

And that obviously explains Selma Almeri's melon sized fake boobs.

Catherine Giudici -This girl has some teeth. Not "summer teeth," as in "some are there and some aren't," because they all seem to be there. She her teeth or gums just seem really jacked up. However, Sean still seemed very interested in her.

Paige Vigil - After a cameo appearance on The Bachelor Pad as an un-memorable super fan before she immediately got voted out, the producers for some reason decided to cast her on The Bachelor even though she wasn't all that pretty, smart or memorable.

And while she's employed as a Jumbo-Tron operator (Seriously, how cool of a job is that?), Sean apparently wanted no part of her operating his not so Jumbo-Tron, which isn't all that surprising...All things considered.

Sean's just checking to make sure that his junk is still there after all of the steroids he's taken.

But don't feel bad for Paige, aside from giving Charlie O'Connell a blow job, she pretty much crossed all of the items of her Bachelor related bucket list in just 6 short months.

Robyn Howard - Robyn, a former Houston Rocket cheerleader tried to impress Sean by getting out of her limo and doing a back-handspring in her evening gown.

Robyn Howard, the former Houston Rockets cheerleader, either moonlights as a mechanical engineer or in marketing as an account manager, depending on which of her many bio statements you choose to believe.

And since she ended up face planting, I'm guessing that her real plan must have been to pull an "Anne Hathaway" with her evening gown to entice Sean to keep her around.

Lindsay Yenter - For some reason Lindsay decided to wear a wedding dress to meet Sean the first night. She also went in for two awkward kisses that weren't exactly reciprocated by Sean.

Lindsay Yenter showed up on The Bachelor by wearing a wedding dress...Because there's nothing that a guy likes more than dating a girl who's just a little too desperate to get married.

Desiree Hartsock - Desiree, a bridal dress designer, must have been fucking furious when Lindsay showed up to the mansion wearing a cheap ass wedding gown as a joke to get Sean's attention.

I haven't seen someone steal another girl's thunder like that since the the white trash girl from Louisville showed up for Ben's season talking about how she was a horse girl just because she was from the home of The Kentucky Derby, only to see Lindzi ride up to the mansion on her real life horse!

Sarah Herron- To prove their political correctness, The Bachelor producers decided to put a one armed girl on the show.

Honestly, in light of all the recent discrimination claims filed against them, The Bachelor should probably just go ahead and make Sarah their next Bachelorette once Sean politely sends her home after the third week by saying "It's not you, it's your lack of a left arm."

Not only is she fairly pretty once you get used to the fact that she has a nub and a big ass, but she should have a built in bullshit monitor to weed out the guys who only come on the show to advance their Arena Football careers, expand their lumber empires, and improve their weather forecasts.

Kristi Kaminski - Kristi is a Ford model from Wisconsin who keeps telling Sean that she's "the best from the Midwest," which is kind of like saying your the best football team from the Big Ten.

Then again, bragging about being the best football team in the Big Ten is pretty much the same thing as saying that your the best girl of the Midwest, so I digress.

As a model, I'm not saying that Kristi Kaminski has an ulterior motive for coming on The Bachelor...But she does.

Jackie Parr - Jackie is a cosmetics consultant from Boynton Beach, FL who by putting the word "consultant" into her job title will make people think that selling make up from a mall kiosk is a  glamorous position.

Then again, when you have to compete against girls from past seasons like Dr. Blakeley Shea, the esthetician, I guess you do what you have to do to make yourself look smart.

Tierra LiCausi - Tierra is the girl who received the very first rose from Sean, and then started walking around the house like she had just made it to the final two.

"I know that other girls got roses, but they didn't get a rose right out of the limo without even saying a sentence to him."

 I don't know what went wrong with Tierra LiCausi's eyebrows, but she's the hottest thing to hit animatronics since "Carlos E. Queso."

AshLee Frazier - AshLee spent time in six foster homes before being adopted by a Pastor. She's also a professional organizer who professes that she's absolutely obsessed with organizing things, so she's clearly all sorts of OCD.

My guess is that AshLee has more daddy issues than Kacie B. from Ben's season, which may end up panning out well for Sean if he takes her to the Fantasy Suite.

Kacie B. - Speaking of Kacie Bulimia, after all of the contestants had arrived via limousine, Chris Harrison informed Sean that there was a former contestant who had called the show dying to come on one more time just to get more camera time...I mean have a chance at dating Sean.

And just when I was sure that it was going to be Shawntel, Kacie B. popped out of the limousine. You might remember her as the former bulimic from Ben's season who had her chances ruined by her ultra religious and domineering parents during her "home town date."

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "I guess it bit me on my big Brazilian ass"

The final episode of the season began with Michael Skupin winning the first Reward Challenge, which consisted of racing into the ocean to collect rings, and then tossing them onto to poles.

As his reward, he won a whale watching cruise complete with pizza a pop. Able to take two other players with him, he selected Malcolm and Lisa, leaving enemies Abi and Denise alone together back at camp.

Not realizing that she was totally expendable, Abi complained "I guess my vote doesn't mean anything."

Abi kept trying to make the other members believe that she had found a hidden Immunity Idol, even though she hadn't. Unfortunately, nobody was buying in on her lie.

Or as Denise said, "She keeps talking about how she's got the hidden Immunity Idol. None of us believes she has one, not even for a minute."

At his reward, Skupin decided to drink pop, even though he never drinks sugar in real life. Fast forward 15 minutes, and he was acting like a drunk girl on her 21st birthday.

That caused Malcolm to observe, "All of a sudden Michael Skupin's fun to be around. Who knew?"

Denise was bit in the neck by some sort of insect, which caused crazy religious zealot Lisa Whelchel to pray for God to "push the poison out."

On the other hand, Abi was not so sympathetic. "I came her not to be feeling bad for other people, I came here for a million dollars," as she flashed an evil and opportunistic grin.

The Immunity Challenge involved laying planks to cross a rope bridge, grabbing puzzle pieces along the way. Malcolm ended up winning, giving him both Immunity and the hidden Immunity Idol.

However, when Denise asked him if he would consider giving her his Immunity Idol since it was the last Tribal Council at which anyone could play it, he declined, selfishly saying that he wanted to save it as a souvenir for his mother.

Tribal Council began with Abi proclaiming how Skupin would not win the game. When Jeff Probst asked him what he thought about her statement, Abi interrupted and took things a bit further.

"Because you're an idiot, that's why you're going to lose a million dollars." And when Skupin said, "Anyways Jeff, to finish my thought," Abi interrupted him again and finished it for him by saying, "You're a moron."

Abi went on to tell Denise, "You're just not a good person. I don't like you," which pretty much ruled out anybody taking her along to the final three even though she would have been a lock to beat since everyone in America, and probably even Brazil, hates her.

After getting voted out, Abi reflected on her game. "After the merge, I was targeted as a crazy Latina. I say it as it is, like it or hate me, and I guess it bit me on my big Brazilian ass."

No kidding, Abi Maria-Gomes's ass is fucking huge.

When Denise commented who Abi was "full of fire," Malcolm interrupted and said "I'm not sure it's fire."

The final Reward Challenge involved walking a balance beam in order to untie puzzle pieces, and then solving a bitchin' dragon puzzle that would have made Coach jizz in his pants.

Malcolm ended up winning, which gave him an unspecified advantage in the final Immunity Challenge.

However, much like how he refused to give his closest ally Denise his extra Immunity Idol, his arrogance began to take over when he wouldn't commit to her offer to go to the final two together.

Even with an an advantage, Malcolm still ended up finishing in last place at the Immunity Challenge, as Skupin being able to balance a ball on two planks of wood that he had to keep pressed together with his arms the longest.

Sure enough, Malcolm having distanced himself from Denise over the previous few days cost him her allegiance, and he was voted out even though he was the strongest player and in a position of power just a day or so earlier.

That left Lisa, Denise and Skupin to plead their cases to the Jury.

Denise made no apologies to anyone, emphasizing how she had to prove herself to three different tribes, worked hard, and was strong in the challenges.

Lisa credited her brother for informing her that it was okay to screw people over and be Christian at the same time, mainly that's because what Catholic priests and televangelists do all the time.

Micheal proclaimed that he survived in spite of having the biggest target on his back of anyone in the game, which was comical since people kept letting him slide at Tribal Council each week since they didn't view him as any type of threat.

Of the Jury questions, only Penner had anything interesting to say.

First, he called Denise out by saying, "You were afraid of being seen as a bitch. You can rest assured that you have now show the world that side."

He then went on to out Lisa a former TV star, saying, "You guys deserve to know that when you vote or don't vote for her, that she's kept that from you."

Lisa tried to respond by asking Penner if he revealed his job to the other players, but he played it off by pining, "I don't think it's going to affect the outcome tonight, I'll tell you later."

And with Skupin having coasted to the finals, and Lisa having sold her soul to the Devil just to get as far as she did, Denise, the "little old sex therapist from Cedar Rapids, Iowa" was voted the winner of Survivor: Philippines.

Sadly, Lisa was voted the prize of being America's favorite player over Malcolm, proving that crazy religious people still make up more of our population than we'd like to admit.

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "I'm considering making a really bad strategic play just for my morale. That's how bad of a human being Abi is"

The episode began with the contestants loved one's arriving to compete in the Reward Challenge.

Those arrivals included Carter and Abi's moms, Skupin's son, Denise's husband, Malcolm's brother, but not Lisa's husband, since he divorced her even though he was their church pastor.

She was instead reunited with her MUCH younger brother, to which Jeff Probst proclaimed, "I've gotta say Lisa, I've seen some pretty powerful moments involving loved ones, but this may be the tops."

Of course, Jeff may have conveniently forgotten about the classic moment where Kat realized that her cousin was there to see her, crawled on all fours to greet him while barking like a dog, and then excitedly peed on the ground when she got to him.

Kat Edmundson then proceeded to dry hump the bejesus out of her cousin, leaving no reasonable doubt in anyone's mind that the two of them weren't fucking...And yes, it was exactly as hot as it sounds.

Abi's mom greeted her daughter by telling her that she was too thin...

Which is something that Abi should enjoy while she can after looking at her genetics.

The Reward Challenge involved knocking down bars with muddy bag. That somehow left Skupin's son "bloody from here to here," to which his injury prone dad proclaimed, "That's my boy!"

Malcolm and his bother miles ended up winning the reward, and he elected to let Lisa and Skupid both spend some additional time with their loved ones around camp, while the others were sent home.

After watching Malcolm's brother Miles and listening to him talk about him, it's pretty clear that while one went to an Ivy League school, the other one was retarded.

While Lisa confided that she didn't think that God chose sides when it came to games like Survivor, she also hypocritically prayed to him or her that she would win.

It took Lisa's brother to convince her that playing the game was not about doing right and wrong, but about winning not matter who you screw over.

The Immunity Challenge involved walking a balance beam, fishing for puzzle bags with hooks, and swimming to shore and solving a puzzle.

Perhaps cementing her record as the worst competitor ever, Jeff Probst shouted that Abi was "taking as much time as she can to get into the water."

Malcolm ended up winning, giving him Personal Immunity for the week as well as a Hidden Immunity Idol...Putting him two ahead of Abi and her made up Idol that she kept threatening to play.

While Abi thought that she was making a masterful move, the others not only didn't believe her but they couldn't stand her, especially Malcolm.

"Nobody can stand having her around, she's a bitch...We're really considering getting rid of this angry, unsociable Brazilian girl over a really fit athletic guy. I'm considering making a really bad strategic decision just for my morale. That's how terrible of a human being Abi is. If Abi goes home tonight, it's because she's a bitch."

Unlike Abi Maria-Gomes, I always thought you were supposed to lose weight as the game of Survivor progressed to the end.

Perhaps the dumbest person to play Survivor since Leif, Carter had to be informed why he could no longer vote for Malcolm even though he won Immunity, asking "Why not?"

Not surprisingly, it was Carter who was voted out at Tribal Council, who complained that the remaining contestants were "playing with their heads and not their hearts."

Of course, that statement pretty much explained exactly why his naive ass was sent packing back to Kansas, where apparently playing strategically is apparently optional.

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "Yeah. No, I'm not going to hug anyone else"

Perpetually oblivious to everyone else around her, Abi-Maria scolded her fellow competitors for having the audacity to take her to task for her bitchy attitude at Tribal Council.

"Yesterday you guys were brutal towards me. I never felt that any of you felt that way about me. It wasn't cute, you understand that?"

Do you know else what isn't cute? Bitch faced Brazilian women who look like Brazilian dudes...But enough about Gisele Bundchen, Abi-Maria Gomez kind of sucks too.

That must of struck a chord with Malcolm, who was either kissing Abi's ass for a jury vote or just posturing to sleep with her.

"Abi's very un-self aware. It's hard not to feel a little sympathy for her."

Denise was less than impressed with Abi's antics, predicting she'd be going home next "Unless she miraculously wins Immunity, which I doubt."

Of course, making blanket assumptions about how someone is a sure fire bet to go home in the game of Survivor is pretty much the equivalent to handing someone an Immunity Idol...Just sayin'.

This week's Reward Challenge was replaced with Survivor's annual food auction, which is the equivalent of giving a group of drug addicts $500 and allowing them to bid on a limited number of dime-bags, eight balls and bumps.

Sadly, steroid era baseball player Jeff Kent didn't make it around long enough to bid on any "juice."

Skupin started off by bidding all $500 on a wine and cheese plate even though he's not an alcohol drinker. That caused even Jeff Probst to ask, "So that wine's just going to go to waste? Because otherwise I'll drink it."

When Penner won a plate of fried chicken, Jeff noted, "You got a weird look in your eye!"

As an Oscar winning screen play writer, Penner was simply demonstrating "the eye of the writer." Either that or he's just a fat guy who loves fried chicken.

Carter was the big loser even though he won two bids, because both of his prizes came with a twist that ended up benefiting the tribe more than it did himself.

First he voluntarily traded a loaded baked potato for extra beans and rice back at camp. Then he learned that the veal shanks that he bid on came with the catch that they had to be shared with everyone else.

Of course, the concept of a luxury food item like a veal shank may have been lost on Carter anyways, as he said, "The meat just melted in my mouth, whatever that thing was."

Abi-Maria wisely saved her money and used her entire $500 on an advantage in the game, which turned out to be a free pass to the third and final phase of the upcoming Immunity Challenge that she desperately needed to win.

Not only did Abi-Maria Gomez gain an advantage, but she also preserved her track record of not really having to compete in any of Survivor's competitions.

Even Malcolm, who earlier had expressed some sympathy for Abi seemed frustrated over the possibility that she might be able to save herself and remain in the game.

"Abi is like having a girlfriend who hasn't gotten the message and won't leave after you've broken up with her. She's bitter, she hasn't forgiven you, and your not getting the benefit of having a girlfriend around anymore."

And while we now know that Malcolm and Abi-Maria were not having sex like he and Angie did, at least he strategically mind fucked her for her jury vote considering that he was the only one to console her about the way she was treated at Tribal Council...Well done Malcolm.

The Immunity Challenge was yet another series of obstacle courses, with weight packs added to the competitors when they incorrectly answered questions about the game.

It was noted how having boobs and weight were a disadvantage, but that didn't stop Penner, who advanced to the finals along with Carter where they met Abi, who was fresh from not having to compete in the first two legs.

And just as it was scripted, Abi won Immunity. That caused Denise to sigh, "You gotta be freakin' kidding me."

Lisa, for some reason having the need to explain every move in the game that she's going to make, told Penner that he was the target of her alliance with Malcolm and Denise.

That allowed Penner to work Mike as the swing vote, assuming he could get Abi and Carter to join forces with him.

At Tribal Council, Jeff Probst asked Lisa if the game compared to any of her experiences in real life.

Lisa responded by saying "Yes," but stated that they were too difficult for her to talk about, obviously referencing how her husband of 24 years broke his alliance with her by filing for divorce even though he was her church Pastor.

Abi showed her displeasure towards Denise by sticking her tongue out at her, but ultimately Skupin utilized his swing vote to go along with Malcolm, Denise and Lisa, sending Penner home by a vote of 4-3.

Much like the Amish on reality TV shows, Brazilians never socially mature past the age of 13.

Obviously having formed a bond with Lisa, Penner gave her a hug as he left the game as a showing that he held no hard feelings.

However, when Abi asked if she could have a hug too, Penner blew her off.

"Yeah. No, I'm not going to hug anyone else," before saying, "Guys, keep your sunny sides up, and then suck eggs!"