The Big Brother 17 Blog - "I'm just going to wrap these legs around this pole and hang on for dear life"

 

A new season of Big Brother is upon us, and we have a new waive of racist and sexist house guests ready to make asses of themselves on national TV.

Better yet, host Connie Chung isn't pregnant this year, and she's looking hotter than ever...That Maury Povich is a lucky man!

Upon entering the house, Shelli immediately fell in love with Clay, despite the fact that she's ten years older than him.

Clay took a liking back saying, "There's a lot of hot women in the house, but Shelli absolutely takes the cake.

Shelli Poole is old enough to be the mom of the underage girls that Clay Honeycutt might have fucked on spring break at South Padre Island. 

However, as part of the season's "Twin Twist," we'll see how Shelli likes it when Clay tries to start making out with her sister. Then again, maybe it's Shelli' sister that Clay is in lust with...Thanks Big Brother, consider my mind blown.

Da'Vonne lied to the house and told everyone that she was a school teacher instead of a poker dealer...As if anyone would be intimidated by a card dealer. Not a poker PLAYER, but a fucking DEALER.

In a more honest note, Caitlyn, I mean Audrey, told her house mates that she's transgendered.

I'm a sucker for girls in glasses, so let's just say I'm glad I'm not on the show...Audrey Middleton makes me all confused and stuff!

Meanwhile, as the dudes all talked about how much they bench pressed, the girls, Audrey, Shelli, Meg and Da'Vonne formed an all girl alliance.

Before the second half of the house arrived, Connie Chung announced that the house guests would be competing in the first HOH Competition given that the "Battle of the Block," with four initial nominees for eviction, would be in play for the second year in a row.

The HOH theme was a fake red carpet event for a fake movie called "UFO-Oh-No!"

The actual competition had the house guests try to catch ten "rotten tomatoes" (or balls) while balancing on a plank in order to become the first HOH.

In a photo finish with the last four players falling at the same time, James ended up winning the first HOH of the season.

Connie Chung then revealed the new twist to the show, a weekly "Big Brother Takeover," which seems to involve either a past player or famous person coming into the house to temporarily mix things up with rules of their own.

On that note, the second wave of house guests arrived.

The best of which was John, the self dubbed "Rock star dentist," who can best be described as being similar to the "retarted" (the "t" was intentional) clone of Brian from the Family Guy.

"With the way he talks, Johnny Mac of Big Brother reminds me of "Bitch Brian" from Family Guy. 

Like all "retarts," John was a little bit self unaware, and just a little bit full of himself. Or as he said, "It's really hard to find a girl who's not a gold digger once you say you're a dentist."

For some reason, Da'Vonne didn't believe John when he said he was a dentist, while Clay thought Steve was Ian Terry's long lost twin, which obviously added some much needed distrust into the house and game.

However, it was Vanessa who lied, claiming that she was a D.J. instead of a poker player...You know, because she REALLY wanted everybody to initially hate her.

More importantly, after everyone moved in and did a "get to know you" round table, there were still two unaccounted seats.

That's when the initial "Big Brother Takeover" took place, with The Amazing Race host Phil Koeghan taking control of the game.

And since The Amazing Race took several Big Brother contests on their show, Phil gave Big Brother two of his former Amazing Race players....Jeff (an account executive), and Jackie (a former stripper), who were a "blind date" team on his show last season.

With that bomb, we moved on to the HOH for the new contestants, with Vanessa agreeing to sit out.  That selfless act caused the other house guests all agree not to nominate her no matter who won.

The Competition itself involved cornfields and aliens in a Hee-Haw like atmosphere, with the the players trying to hold onto a post without getting sucked up by a "UFO," or a harness that was attached to their backs.

Jackie made no attempt to hide the fact that she was a stripper.

"I just need to basically use these legs I've been using my entire life as a dancer. I'm just going to wrap these legs around this pole and hang on for dear life."

Upon further review, Jackie Ibarra of The Amazing Race and Big Brother was not a stripper, it was worse...she was a dancer form the Miami Heat...My apologies to any strippers I may have offended. 

With many of the contestants purposefully dropping out to keep the target off of their backs, Jackie ended up taking a deal from Jason to drop off in return for him agreeing not to nominate her, which gave Jason co-HOH honors along with James, the Asian Redneck.

The Big Brother 17 Blog - Meet The Cast

 

A new season of Big Brother is finally upon us, which is my official summer cue to take off my pants and start blogging.

Some of the twists for Big Brother 17 includes the return of the Battle of the Block, or two head of households each week; a "twin twist," with sets of twins subbing in and out for one another during the game; a random twist that will differ from week to week; as well as a transgendered cast member who isn't Bruce Jenner.

Fortunately, so far there are no returning players, meaning that Rachel Reilly, her boyfriend Brendon, her sister, and their extensive team of plastic surgeons are merely on standby.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website, as well as anything I can find on them from their social media pages.

Audrey Middleton: A 25-year-old digital media consultant from Georgia.

Pros: Audrey has played a simulated version of the show Survivor using astrology and tarot cards to help determine her strategy, so at least she has some experience when

Cons: Online reality play is one thing, but using religion as the basis for how you play a game like Big Brother in real life is probably not going to cut it.

Audrey Middleton was arrested for marijuana possession and loitering in Atlanta a few years back. 

Austin Matelson: A 30-year-old pro wrestler from California who goes by the moniker, "Judas Draven."

Pros: Don't let the "pro wrestler" image fool you, Austin was raised by hippies and is into gymnastics, yoga and Pilate's...In other words, he's gay, just like fellow pro wrestler, Jessie Godderz from Big Brother 10.

Cons: I'm not sure that Austin's communal lifestyle will go over too well in the Big Brother house, especially since he lists his luxury items as "three Color Me Badd CD's," with the last two being replacements just in case the first ones broke...Then again, even though it was crappy, Color Me Badd only had one real album, so it's no real surprise that Austin's second and third items were duplicative.

Austin Matelson: Maybe it's just me, but I don't trust hippies that are into Satan...I guess Charles Manson ruined that whole shtick. On the other hand, with a stage name like "Judas," Austin Matelson just may have a tag team partner in Big Brother all time great, Dan Gheesling. 

Becky Burgess: A 26-year-old retail manager from Denver.

Pros: Becky seems very athletic, she's into sports, and even things that aren't sports...Like hiking and soccer.

Cons: Becky says she's aware of how pretty she is, but doesn't rely on her looks because she's "a total package." In reality, that just means she isn't as nearly as pretty as she thinks she is.

Becky Burgess is the type of girl who can even make drinking a beer look pretentious. 

Clay Honeycutt: A 23-year-old grad student at Texas A&M.

Pros: Not only did Clay grow up on a ranch, but he played football at Texas A&M. That means he should be an absolute beast in physical challenges to the point that he makes "Beast Mode Cowboy" look like a little bitch...Then again, "Beast Mode Cowboy" already is a little bitch, but you get the idea.

Cons: Clay likes to wear a cowboy hat, so it's really hard to like him.

Clay Honeycutt: It's also hard to like someone when they're an underwear model...That is, unless you're a girl. 

Da'Vonne Rogers: A 27-year-old poker dealer from Los Angeles.

Pros: The first transgendered Big Brother house guest since Wil Heuser.

Cons: With descriptions like, "Not worried about the opinions of others" and "doesn't like to team up with people," Da'Vonne may be a bit too black to do well in the game with a house full of really, REALLY, white people.

Transgendered Big Brother contestant Da'Vonne Rogers....Dude doesn't look like a lady. 

Jace Agolli: Jace is a 32-year-old personal trainer from Venice Beach, CA.

Pros: Jace also claims to be a semi-pro skateboarder, which would technically make him a professional athlete...?

Cons: There's no shame in being honest and admitting that you're unemployed.

Jace Agolli was busted for disorderly conduct just outside of Atlanta in 2012...Perhaps he was with Audrey Middleton? 

James Huling: A 31-year old retail associate from South Carolina.

Pros: Nobody expects him to win?

Cons: James was Asian until he was adopted by a white family, who turned him into a white redneck. Like most rednecks, James later joined the military and got arrested like most rednecks tend to do.

Jason Roy: A 25-year-old supermarket cashier who live with his mom.

Cons: Jason claims that he has a big mouth, that he is not afraid of conflict, and that he is not easily intimidated despite being short and skinny and the last person picked in gym class during school. He also plans to form an all female alliance because he does not like men...Well, he does like men, just not in a classical friendly kind of way. In other words, Jason is a bitch.

Pros: Jason Roy seems really, really happy to be on Big Brother...And by "happy," I mean really gay.

Skinny jeans aren't a good idea when you're super skinny. Then again, they're not a good idea when you're fat either. For a gay guy, Jason Roy needs to get some fashion sense from someone...Perhaps his mom can start laying clothes out for him. 

John McGuire: A 27-year-old dentist from Scranton, PA.

Pros: John runs in "Tough Mudders," so he has to have decent endurance for challenges.

Cons: Calls himself "Johnny Mac, a/k/a, the rock star dentist," and appears only to be looking for fame and a "showmance."

Just when we thought that dentists couldn't be more unlikable, Big Brother gives us John McGuire.

Liz Nolan: A 23-year-old marketing coordinator from Miami.

Pros: Graduated cum-laude, so she may not just be another pretty face.

Cons: Liz is said to be "a mainstay on the Miami nightlife circuit," so she's probably fucked former Big Brother contestant, Hardy Hill.

Say what you want about her nightlife, Liz Nolan has a great ass. 

Meg Maley: A 25-year-old server from New Jersey/New York City.

Pros: Meg seems like the perfect blend. Good looking, but not so hot and fake that women hate her; Funny, so she can fit in with the guys outside of a showmance; and Sassy, so gay guys love her.

Cons: Tried out for the hockey and baseball teams in high school just so she could flirt with boys...No wait, that's a "Pro" for her too.

Meg Maley is just quirky enough that she might fool some people and fly under the radar. 

Shelli Poole: A 33-year-old interior designer from Atlanta.

Pros: As part of this season's "twin twist," at least one of the two might be likable, right?

Cons: Got turned down for Real Housewives of Atlanta because she got divorced, so Shelli was forced to settle on Big Brother to pursue fame.

As twins, hopefully Shelli Poole and her sister got the same size of fake boobs, or else they'll be easy to tell apart. 

Steve Moses: A 22-year-old Ivy Leaguer from New York who's still a virgin.

Pros: Apparently he's a genius, which may or may not be indirectly proportional to being a virgin.

Cons: His plan to throw people off from his intellect involves sleeping with a teddy-bear...If Steve was serious about throwing people off about how smart he really is, he'd sleep with Shelli.

Steve Moses: Older people can no longer make the cast of Big Brother, but guys like this can...sigh. 

Vanessa Rousso: A 32-year-old professional poker player from Las Vegas.

Pros: She's a professional poker player, so she thinks that makes her a strategist.

Cons: Being a professional poker player makes Vanessa only slightly smarter than the dude who works at a grocery store and lives with his mom.

A super air-brushed pic of Vanessa Rousso...Don't get too worked up guys, she's got a girlfriend.