I don't listen to country music, but that's not going to stop me from making my third annual predictions for the ACM's. No, make that the CMT's. Wait, that's not it either? Is it the CMA's? No, well how about the ACA's then?

Okay, I'm still going to try and predict the winners for whatever country music awards show that happens to be airing this week with the same nominees simply bouncing from network to network...Kind of like Lorrie Morgan used to to do with male country music singers back in the 80's and 90's. 

So put on your best vintage Confederate flag t-shirt, hop into your favorite pickup truck with a plastic nut sack dangling from the trailer hitch, and enjoy one of the five biggest nights that country music has to offer along with the largest collection of people who first went to Chick-fil-A thinking it was a strip club, but kept coming back because they fell in love with the chicken.

2013 ACA Winners? The Florida-Georgia Line: It's not racist if you just really liked the group Alabama, but it IS racist if you really, really like the state of Alabama.

Artist of the Year

Taylor Swift – I really don't think people are even all that entertained by her personal life anymore, but if they were (hypothetically speaking of course), isn't the next logical step for Taylor Swift to start dating Kanye West and then write a revenge song about it?

Jason Aldean – This guy was said to exhibit his "hip-hop influence" by rapping on his single Dirt Road Anthem, which was really just a dumbed down version of Gin and Juice for white people.

The Florida-Georgia Line – In a recent interview, this rap infused country duo said they considered Garth Brooks a "classic throwback" country artist, which pretty much sums up everything that's wrong with country music these days.

I'm not really sure what's going on here. If Atlanta, is the home of guys who get crunk and the dirty south, then The Florida-Georgia Line must be the home of guys who get drunk and dirty their shorts.

Blake Shelton – Talk about an artist, I don't think Blake Shelton is even recording music anymore, but he's been as entertaining and adorable as anyone on NBC's "The Voice" this side of Cee Lo Green on a "Molly" bender.

Luke Bryan – Sadly, his hit song Tailgates and Tanlines wasn't about spring break at Daytona Beach. It was about having butt sex with Danica Patrick.

And the winner is...It's gotta be Jason Aldean, right?

The John Deere hat and Sunset Strip t-shirt and goatee just scream "hip-hop" roots...if "hip-hop" roots means Panama City, Florida.

I mean the last time I got suckered into going to the redneck bar all they did was play a mix of country and hip-hop. I also almost got thrown out by the manager for trying to stand up for an African-American guy that night, but that's a whole other story.

In any event, like it or not, rap and country are slowly merging into a genre called "hick-hop." Because that's is the next logical step in music, right?

Male Vocalist of the Year

Dierks Bentley – Alright, I can't quite get over a country singer rapping and proclaiming that he was influenced by hip-hop and acting like he has invented some sort of new "Hick-Hop" genre. On top of that, how the Hell do you get nominated for "Country Male Vocalist" when you're a wanna be white rapper from Macon, Georgia?

Not only was Dirt Road Anthem the worst attempt at rapping that I've ever heard in my life, but somewhere in rural Oklahoma the lead singer from the Smoking Armadillos is cursing his former agent and looking to kick Jason Aldean's ass.

The Smoking Armadillos - I'm a Cowboy

Luke Bryan – Born the youngest son to a poor peanut farmer in rural Georgia, Luke Bryan was able to overcome being on the ass end of the Georgia peanut baron hierarchy and become the most successful peanut refugee that state has ever seen since Billy Carter.

Blake Shelton – Blake Shelton will be performing his new song, She has a Face That I Want to Log-on. Oh wait, I just made that up. His real hit song is I'm Singin' a Blue Song, But Livin' in a Red State...Gotcha, I made that one up too! This is easy, I think I'm moving to Nashville!

Keith Urban – Riding the success of his new hit single S-E-C! S-E-C!, everybody seems to like this guy. With his cowboy hats, wife beaters and a questionable relationship with Peyton Manning, he’s the southern version of Brody Jenner.

Eric Church – If you're going to give someone a country music award, shouldn't you give it to someone to embraces old school "outlaw" country and advocates the legalization of marijuana like Eric Church or Jamie Johnson? Or as I like to ask, "What would Willie Do?"

What Would Willie Nelson Do? I think he'd go with Eric Church and Smoke a Little Smoke. 

And the winner is...Luke Bryan. Unfortunately for Eric Church, country music has gotten so bubble-gummy that even groups like The Florida-Georgia Line call Garth Brooks an example of "classic throwback country."

Female Vocalist of the Year

Miranda Lambert – Miranda Lambert's video for "The Fastest Girl in Town" was hugely popular in the South. Not only did it star NASCAR driver Danica Patrick, but the song was written about Lambert's biggest rival, Taylor Swift.

Danica Patrick in ASSCAR: The Ballad of Ricky Stenhouse's Boobies.

Kacey Musgraves – Talk about sell-outs, first it was Hootie, now it's Cheryl Crow...Honestly, Mindy McCready has a better chance of making a career comeback than Cheryl Crow, and she's dead.

Mindy McCready's life was such a waste...Her dog didn't even get to eat her corpse.

Taylor Swift - Alright, if Kanye West really is happily engaged to the "Ass-tastrophy" that has become Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift needs to get it over with and re-make George Strait's "All My Exes Live in Texas," if not just for shits and giggles.

Carrie Underwood – I bet if I told you that a female celebrity dated Tony Romo, a Gossip Girl (sadly, it was one of the Gossip Guys), and a pro hockey player, you would have probably guessed that it was Alyssa Milano. In actuality, it was Carrie Underwood.

Not only is Underwood one of the South's hottest country stars, but she just got done delivering a live TV performance of The Sound of Music, which nearly every critic agreed was simply fantastic and better than the original.

Carrie Underwood as Maria in The Sound of Music? Talk about pissing on Julie Andrew's grave.

Martina McBride – Kelly Clarkson at a country music awards show is kind of like nominating Jason Aldean for a BET award for best rapper...Except for the part where Kelly Clarkson actually gets invited to the country music awards show.

And the winner is...Carrie Underwood! After all, she is the Janet Jones of the south now that she's forced star hockey player Mike Fisher to get traded from Ottawa to Nashville, much to the chagrin of all of Canada. Seriously...Canada should be talking about this more!

Vocal Group of the Year

Zac Brown Band – The CMA's are reaching. Just because the Zac Brown Band is from the South, it doesn't mean these guys are country. I mean, they even played Bonnaroo for Christ's sake.

The Band Perry – I may or may not have watched these guys play at a local dive bar the other night for a $2 cover charge...

Little Big Town – The love child of Jason Aldean's singles Hicktown and the group Big Green Tractor, I think these guys might have opened up for The Band Perry the other night.

Lady Antebellum – A group named after the pre-Civil War South, or as they say in the South, the good ol' days. Somewhere the ghost of Alexander Stephens is humming bars to Dixie in approval of Lady Antebellum as he plots ways to haunt Jason Aldean from his grave.

The Eli Young Band - Still riding a wave of success after being the 8th group to remake Tom Cochrane’s Life is a Highway...Way to make it your own Rascal!

And the winner is.....The Lady Perry Band.

Vocal Duo of the Year

Dan + Shay -

Florida Georgia Line - In a recent interview, this rap infused country duo said they considered Garth Brooks a "classic throwback" country artist, which pretty much sums up everything that's wrong with country music these days.

I'm not really sure what's going on here. If Atlanta is the home of guys who get crunk and the dirty south, then The Florida-Georgia Line must be the home of guys who get drunk and dirty their shorts.

Love and Theft -

The Swon Brothers -

Thompson Square -

Song of the Year

Automatic by Miranda Lambert -

Follow Your Arrow by Kacey Musgraves - This song was originally written by Jason Aldean and titled, "Follow your Dick."

I Don't Dance by Lee Brice - Is it just me, or are country songs getting less and less cliche and more and more like Facebook posts?

I Hold On by Dierks Bentley -

NASCAR Predictions from a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Racin' - At least Tony Stewart can finally say that he won a fight!

The NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this- week, starting the anticipation for the biggest race of the year. So stock up on some Winston Lights, toilet paper and Boudreux Butt Paste before your local Winn Dixie-Land runs out of these life essentials for the weekend!

Say what you want about NASCAR, but there's no doubting the positive economic impact that it brings to communities like Daytona Beach. Rockingham, Talladega and Bristol, with over 100,000 rabid fans coming to town on the weekends that Alabama doesn't play football! 

I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from picking up a limited edition hunter's case of Busch beer that comes in them fancy orange cans, Googling "Danica Patrick naked," and predicting the Sprint Cup results!

I'm looking forward to the release of  Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.'s first sextape, "ASSCAR - The Ballad of Ricky's Boobies." 

Some may say that NASCAR's popularity has dropped in recent years, but fuck that, Trump is our new President, so we can clearly consider those reports as "fake news"!

With that said, how will this season play out? Let's take a look!

POLE POSITION

(Who the Top 10 finishers in the Sprint Cup will be, and why)

10. Darrell Wallace, Jr. - As part of their Race for Diversity program, NASCAR should be trying to push a team owner like Randy Moss and a young and upcoming African-American driver this year. 

And if they're serious about remedying their history of discrimination, they'll employ some type of "affirmative action" and give Darrell "Bubba" Wallace, Jr. a slight restrictor plate advantage over the other drivers when it comes to his car. 

That would allow Wallace to assume the role of a heel (pro wrestling style) as he makes "Black Lives Matter" speeches and takes a knee during our new national anthem, "I Wish I Was in Dixie," or as both female and male southerners like to say, "I Wish The Dixie Was In Me."

I swear to the almighty Donald J. Trump that I wrote this blog post three years before this actually happened...My only edit was adding this photo of Bubba Wallace and his "Black Lives Matter" car and this caption.

9. Tony Stewart - Tony Stewart is no stranger to overcoming adversity, but he's never been able to overcome the guilt of knowing that he intentionally killed a racer on the track when Kevin Ward charged the dirt track and tragically tried to fight Stewart's truck. On the the plus side, Stewart and his fans can finally say that he won a fight!

Now that he's quit NASCAR's Dirt Track Series, Tony Stewart has announced that he plans to team with sponsor John Deere to launch a new NASCAR series aimed at slightly more educated fans in untapped markets like Ohio. 

8. Kurt Busch - Speaking of fights, NASCAR recently suspended Kurt Busch for smashing his ex-girlfriend's head against the wall of his motor home. As the old saying goes, "You can take the boy out of the trailer, but his girl has to stay home and cook him some Hamburger Helper if she don't wanna to get the CTS!"

7. Jeff Gordon - Everybody is making a big deal about gay athletes coming out, yet nobody ever mentions NASCAR's groundbreaking gay ambassador, Jeff Gordon, a/k/a, "The Rainbow Warrior."

It had to be embarrassing for a "macho" driver like Brad Keselowski when a gay "athlete" like Jeff Gordon got so pissed off at his driving that he bitch slapped him after a race in Texas.

6. Brad Keselowski - The best thing about Brad Keselowski having Miller Light as his sponsor is that he's no stranger to drinking the stupid juice and talking to the press even though his family, race team, and NASCAR's President all staged an intervention asking him not to speak to the media after he gets done drinking and and racin'.

Indy drivers drink a bottle of milk after winning the Indy 500, while NASCAR drivers like Brad Keselowski slam pitchers of beer before the race...And that is why Europe is, and always be more sophisticated than the United States. 

5. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - With NASCAR's new qualifying rules for The Chase to the Sprint Cup favoring drivers who actually win races, it looks like it will be another disappointing year for Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Jr.

I heard that after finishing a race and seeing this Dale Jr. six-pack tattoo, Brad Keselowski was so desperate for a beer that he licked this guy's stomach!

4. Austin Dillon - Team owner Richard Childress giving NASCAR's sacred #3 to his grandson Austin Dillon is kind of like Childress giving Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s car to an undeserving Dale Jr. just so he could keep sales and marketing going.

Austin Dillon, looking pretty in pink: Let's just say that NASCAR has become less about your ability to drive, and more about about your name and how you look...and that's really pissing racing purists like Danica Patrick off!

3. Clint Bowyer - Confirming the argument that NASCAR drivers are not even remotely close to being athletes, Clint Bowyer noted how he doesn't work out at the gym because (and I quote), "Those weights are heavy," which is exactly why they're called "weights."

If legendary driver Dick Trickle could race while smoking, I'm pretty sure that NASCAR drivers aren't athletes. 

Bowyer made news a few years back by asking a confused foreign reporter if they had rednecks in Europe after he was asked about his comment that he was going to "Redneck it up" after a big win.

After the reporter got Bowyer's definition of what a redneck was, the reporter responded by saying that Germany did have people like that, but they were considered "less intelligent" than the people in the rest of his country.

That caused Bowyer to exclaim, "That's us!"

2. Jimmie Johnson - As somebody who's into nutrition and has run a marathon the last few years before kicking off the Daytona 500, Jimmie Johnson is the polar opposite of Clint Boyer and Tony Stewart. Sure, a woman may have beat him in the marathon, but that should only help prepare him for the final result of this year's Sprint Cup standings.

 

1. Danica Patrick - Speaking of which, you know that Danica Patrick is ready to race when she forcefully grabbed Kevin Hamlin and confronted him for spinning her out in what was only a Daytona 500 qualifying race. Of course, Hamlin victim blamed Patrick for the incidentclaiming she had a "loose rear end." That leads me to wonder whether Patrick's boyfriend, Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., needs to challenge Hamlin to a fight considering he's the one who is the likely cause of any loosening that is going on in Danica's rear end. 

By the way, Danica's run as the Go Daddy girl is getting a bit old. Can't we find her a more appropriate sponsor like The View, Midol, or possibly IKEA?

Mamograph: Danica Patrick is not backing down in this male dominated industry. In fact, she's reversing traditional NASCAR gender roles!"

And last but not least, if this isn't an annual tradition to kick of the NASCAR season, it should be!

This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or for that matter, any evangelical church.

The Bachelor Blog - "My heart is in my ass now!"

The new season of The Bachelor is upon us, which means that we have thirty new girls looking for a "forever home."

Unfortunately, the stakes are high, as only one girl will ultimately get adopted. A few may live on for a few more seasons to reproduce on Bachelor in Paradise, but the rest will immediately get put down by The Bachelor's resident veterinarian, Jorge, who sometimes moonlights as a bartender.

This year's bachelor is Nick Viall. As we all know, Nick began his journey as an aspiring fame whore under the guise of being a salesperson from Chicago during Andi Dorfman's season of The Bachelorette.

While I'll not hide my opinion that this season's star Nick Viall is a complete douche, at least he's more personable than recent stars, FarmersOnly.com spokesman Chris Soules, and that guy named "Ben." 

Nick obtained official villain status when he blabbed to America that he had sex with Andi in the "Fantasy Suite" before she ultimately announced that she was choosing Josh Murray instead of him.

That turned out to be the show's bitter bitch moment that has not even been rivaled by any of it's emotionally unstable and drunk female contestants.

Since then, Nick ditched his career in favor of becoming a full time employee at the Bachelor mansion.

That has allowed him to fill in as a contestant on Kaitlyn Bristowe's season, make an appearance on Bachelor in Paradise (where he was able to flip public perception of him being a douche bag into just being a narcissistic little bitch), and even agree to clean up the women's toilets during Ben's season (things sure can get messy after taco Tuesdays and an open craft services margarita bar!).

My guess is that when all is said and done Nick will ultimately end up passing on whatever girl he chooses in order to parlay his time on The Bachelor into a new career as the next Spencer Pratt, but for now, that's just my educated guess.

As usual, this season began with more girls with daddy issues, fake boobs and miniature dogs than Hugh Heffner saw during his entire career as the host of The Playboy Mansion.

Once the girls started arriving at the mansion we were quickly reminded of how The Bachelor brings out all of the types of women that under normal circumstances would prove to be red flags when it comes to dating...Aspiring models, professional cheerleaders, east European immigrants, and special education teachers.

So with that said, let's take an in depth look at some of the more memorable bitches, I mean ladies of the litter that Nick has to choose from!

First Impressions

Danielle Lombard - Danielle is a bikini and lingerie model from California who managed to open her own nail salon by the age of 23, which was quite impressive considering the fact that she is not even Asian!

It's hard to argue against Nick Viall keeping Danielle L. as a contestant. Let's just hope that this aspiring underwear model can keep her panties on!

Rachel Lindsay - Rachel is an attorney from Dallas. More than just the typical Bachelor token black girl, Rachel L.received Nick's much coveted "First Impression Rose."

Could Rachel Lindsay be the first black Bachelor series contestant to actually win? She sure seems to have the intelligence to go along with her good looks, which could ultimately become a problem for Nick Viall. 

Taylor Nolan - Taylor went to John's Hopkins University and runs a mental health center in Seattle...She also appears to be, surprise, an aspiring model!

Taylor Nolan greeted Nick Viall be telling him that her friends think he's a complete piece of shit. While Taylor seems like a super smart girl, she should probably listen to her friends a little more closely!

Kristen Schulman - Originally from Russia, this East European immigrant parlayed being the runner up in Donald Trump's mail order bride website into making an appearance on The Bachelor!

Much like Donald Trump, if Nick Vaill were to tire of  Kristina Schulman as his wife, he could simply contact Russia and order a younger version. 

Liz Sandoz - Liz got on the show simply because she was friends with former contestant and former Playboy Playmate, Jade Roper, which likely means that she's an ex-stripper.

While he may not have hit the sex swing, Nick Viall already took Liz Sandoz to the "Fantasy Suite" at Jade Roper's wedding. We'll see how that endears her to the other girls in the house once they find out! 

Hailey Merkt - Hailey arrived by asking Nick, "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I."

While Hailey Merkt may dub herself as a hipster, even hipster chicks aren't immune to the "aspiring model" bug. 

Astrid Locht - Astrid is an office manager for a plastic surgeon in Tampa, which means that she is likely banging him to pay off her fake boobs.

Astrid Locht is also a single mom and a former Hooters waitress looking for love...Wait, wasn't that from an Adam Sandler movie?

Corinne Olympios - Corinne is an aspiring model from Ft. Lauderdale, which in south Florida means that she simply got Glamour Shots and blows dudes for free drinks.

Corinne Olympios seems very comfortable topless! Is Nick Viall cool with that as wife material? 

Vanessa Grimaldi - Apparently Kaitlyn Bristow made it okay for Canadian girls to apply to be on The Bachelor, although Vanessa Grimaldi is the least desirable of all the different kinds of Canadiens...The dreaded French Canadian.

Nick Viall seemed to like the French Canadian, Italian Vanessa Grimaldi...Who's kind of hot in a Justin Trudeau kind of way. 

Raven Gates - Having avoided the dreaded Arkansas "third arm" gene, Raven broke up with her cousin and when she heard she had an opportunity to come on The Bachelor!

I'm not usually into southern girls, but Raven Gates is pretty fucking hot. If I was her ex-cousin and I had to watch her go throw herself at a douche like Nick Viall, I'd probably kill myself. 

Whitney Fransway - While Whitney may be hot, she's yet another aspiring model/yoga instructor from L.A., which means she's likely unemployed because she's just a little too dumb to be a soft core porn actress.

I think it was pretty clear from the opening episode that Nick Viall liked Whitney Fransway.  

Lacey Marik - While Lacey is a cosmetics manager, she was a poly-sci major who speaks Arabic. That means that she is willing to settle for less than what she is worth, making her the perfect match for Nick Viall.

Lacey Marik arrived at the Bachelor Mansion on a camel saying, "I hear you like a good hump...So do I!" I'm just trying to figure out where the pineapple comes in. 

Alexis Waters - Alexis is an aspiring dolphin trainer from New Jersey, which I'm pretty sure is a state that has very few dolphins.

Despite arriving in a shark costume and staying in character the entire first night (which included jumping in the pool and making stupid dolphin cackles), Alexis Waters might be the hottest girl on The Bachelor this season! The question that remains is whether or not she's serious about the whole process of being on the show. 

The Big Brother 17 Blog - "I'm just going to wrap these legs around this pole and hang on for dear life"

 

A new season of Big Brother is upon us, and we have a new waive of racist and sexist house guests ready to make asses of themselves on national TV.

Better yet, host Connie Chung isn't pregnant this year, and she's looking hotter than ever...That Maury Povich is a lucky man!

Upon entering the house, Shelli immediately fell in love with Clay, despite the fact that she's ten years older than him.

Clay took a liking back saying, "There's a lot of hot women in the house, but Shelli absolutely takes the cake.

Shelli Poole is old enough to be the mom of the underage girls that Clay Honeycutt might have fucked on spring break at South Padre Island. 

However, as part of the season's "Twin Twist," we'll see how Shelli likes it when Clay tries to start making out with her sister. Then again, maybe it's Shelli' sister that Clay is in lust with...Thanks Big Brother, consider my mind blown.

Da'Vonne lied to the house and told everyone that she was a school teacher instead of a poker dealer...As if anyone would be intimidated by a card dealer. Not a poker PLAYER, but a fucking DEALER.

In a more honest note, Caitlyn, I mean Audrey, told her house mates that she's transgendered.

I'm a sucker for girls in glasses, so let's just say I'm glad I'm not on the show...Audrey Middleton makes me all confused and stuff!

Meanwhile, as the dudes all talked about how much they bench pressed, the girls, Audrey, Shelli, Meg and Da'Vonne formed an all girl alliance.

Before the second half of the house arrived, Connie Chung announced that the house guests would be competing in the first HOH Competition given that the "Battle of the Block," with four initial nominees for eviction, would be in play for the second year in a row.

The HOH theme was a fake red carpet event for a fake movie called "UFO-Oh-No!"

The actual competition had the house guests try to catch ten "rotten tomatoes" (or balls) while balancing on a plank in order to become the first HOH.

In a photo finish with the last four players falling at the same time, James ended up winning the first HOH of the season.

Connie Chung then revealed the new twist to the show, a weekly "Big Brother Takeover," which seems to involve either a past player or famous person coming into the house to temporarily mix things up with rules of their own.

On that note, the second wave of house guests arrived.

The best of which was John, the self dubbed "Rock star dentist," who can best be described as being similar to the "retarted" (the "t" was intentional) clone of Brian from the Family Guy.

"With the way he talks, Johnny Mac of Big Brother reminds me of "Bitch Brian" from Family Guy. 

Like all "retarts," John was a little bit self unaware, and just a little bit full of himself. Or as he said, "It's really hard to find a girl who's not a gold digger once you say you're a dentist."

For some reason, Da'Vonne didn't believe John when he said he was a dentist, while Clay thought Steve was Ian Terry's long lost twin, which obviously added some much needed distrust into the house and game.

However, it was Vanessa who lied, claiming that she was a D.J. instead of a poker player...You know, because she REALLY wanted everybody to initially hate her.

More importantly, after everyone moved in and did a "get to know you" round table, there were still two unaccounted seats.

That's when the initial "Big Brother Takeover" took place, with The Amazing Race host Phil Koeghan taking control of the game.

And since The Amazing Race took several Big Brother contests on their show, Phil gave Big Brother two of his former Amazing Race players....Jeff (an account executive), and Jackie (a former stripper), who were a "blind date" team on his show last season.

With that bomb, we moved on to the HOH for the new contestants, with Vanessa agreeing to sit out.  That selfless act caused the other house guests all agree not to nominate her no matter who won.

The Competition itself involved cornfields and aliens in a Hee-Haw like atmosphere, with the the players trying to hold onto a post without getting sucked up by a "UFO," or a harness that was attached to their backs.

Jackie made no attempt to hide the fact that she was a stripper.

"I just need to basically use these legs I've been using my entire life as a dancer. I'm just going to wrap these legs around this pole and hang on for dear life."

Upon further review, Jackie Ibarra of The Amazing Race and Big Brother was not a stripper, it was worse...she was a dancer form the Miami Heat...My apologies to any strippers I may have offended. 

With many of the contestants purposefully dropping out to keep the target off of their backs, Jackie ended up taking a deal from Jason to drop off in return for him agreeing not to nominate her, which gave Jason co-HOH honors along with James, the Asian Redneck.

The Big Brother 17 Blog - Meet The Cast

 

A new season of Big Brother is finally upon us, which is my official summer cue to take off my pants and start blogging.

Some of the twists for Big Brother 17 includes the return of the Battle of the Block, or two head of households each week; a "twin twist," with sets of twins subbing in and out for one another during the game; a random twist that will differ from week to week; as well as a transgendered cast member who isn't Bruce Jenner.

Fortunately, so far there are no returning players, meaning that Rachel Reilly, her boyfriend Brendon, her sister, and their extensive team of plastic surgeons are merely on standby.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website, as well as anything I can find on them from their social media pages.

Audrey Middleton: A 25-year-old digital media consultant from Georgia.

Pros: Audrey has played a simulated version of the show Survivor using astrology and tarot cards to help determine her strategy, so at least she has some experience when

Cons: Online reality play is one thing, but using religion as the basis for how you play a game like Big Brother in real life is probably not going to cut it.

Audrey Middleton was arrested for marijuana possession and loitering in Atlanta a few years back. 

Austin Matelson: A 30-year-old pro wrestler from California who goes by the moniker, "Judas Draven."

Pros: Don't let the "pro wrestler" image fool you, Austin was raised by hippies and is into gymnastics, yoga and Pilate's...In other words, he's gay, just like fellow pro wrestler, Jessie Godderz from Big Brother 10.

Cons: I'm not sure that Austin's communal lifestyle will go over too well in the Big Brother house, especially since he lists his luxury items as "three Color Me Badd CD's," with the last two being replacements just in case the first ones broke...Then again, even though it was crappy, Color Me Badd only had one real album, so it's no real surprise that Austin's second and third items were duplicative.

Austin Matelson: Maybe it's just me, but I don't trust hippies that are into Satan...I guess Charles Manson ruined that whole shtick. On the other hand, with a stage name like "Judas," Austin Matelson just may have a tag team partner in Big Brother all time great, Dan Gheesling. 

Becky Burgess: A 26-year-old retail manager from Denver.

Pros: Becky seems very athletic, she's into sports, and even things that aren't sports...Like hiking and soccer.

Cons: Becky says she's aware of how pretty she is, but doesn't rely on her looks because she's "a total package." In reality, that just means she isn't as nearly as pretty as she thinks she is.

Becky Burgess is the type of girl who can even make drinking a beer look pretentious. 

Clay Honeycutt: A 23-year-old grad student at Texas A&M.

Pros: Not only did Clay grow up on a ranch, but he played football at Texas A&M. That means he should be an absolute beast in physical challenges to the point that he makes "Beast Mode Cowboy" look like a little bitch...Then again, "Beast Mode Cowboy" already is a little bitch, but you get the idea.

Cons: Clay likes to wear a cowboy hat, so it's really hard to like him.

Clay Honeycutt: It's also hard to like someone when they're an underwear model...That is, unless you're a girl. 

Da'Vonne Rogers: A 27-year-old poker dealer from Los Angeles.

Pros: The first transgendered Big Brother house guest since Wil Heuser.

Cons: With descriptions like, "Not worried about the opinions of others" and "doesn't like to team up with people," Da'Vonne may be a bit too black to do well in the game with a house full of really, REALLY, white people.

Transgendered Big Brother contestant Da'Vonne Rogers....Dude doesn't look like a lady. 

Jace Agolli: Jace is a 32-year-old personal trainer from Venice Beach, CA.

Pros: Jace also claims to be a semi-pro skateboarder, which would technically make him a professional athlete...?

Cons: There's no shame in being honest and admitting that you're unemployed.

Jace Agolli was busted for disorderly conduct just outside of Atlanta in 2012...Perhaps he was with Audrey Middleton? 

James Huling: A 31-year old retail associate from South Carolina.

Pros: Nobody expects him to win?

Cons: James was Asian until he was adopted by a white family, who turned him into a white redneck. Like most rednecks, James later joined the military and got arrested like most rednecks tend to do.

Jason Roy: A 25-year-old supermarket cashier who live with his mom.

Cons: Jason claims that he has a big mouth, that he is not afraid of conflict, and that he is not easily intimidated despite being short and skinny and the last person picked in gym class during school. He also plans to form an all female alliance because he does not like men...Well, he does like men, just not in a classical friendly kind of way. In other words, Jason is a bitch.

Pros: Jason Roy seems really, really happy to be on Big Brother...And by "happy," I mean really gay.

Skinny jeans aren't a good idea when you're super skinny. Then again, they're not a good idea when you're fat either. For a gay guy, Jason Roy needs to get some fashion sense from someone...Perhaps his mom can start laying clothes out for him. 

John McGuire: A 27-year-old dentist from Scranton, PA.

Pros: John runs in "Tough Mudders," so he has to have decent endurance for challenges.

Cons: Calls himself "Johnny Mac, a/k/a, the rock star dentist," and appears only to be looking for fame and a "showmance."

Just when we thought that dentists couldn't be more unlikable, Big Brother gives us John McGuire.

Liz Nolan: A 23-year-old marketing coordinator from Miami.

Pros: Graduated cum-laude, so she may not just be another pretty face.

Cons: Liz is said to be "a mainstay on the Miami nightlife circuit," so she's probably fucked former Big Brother contestant, Hardy Hill.

Say what you want about her nightlife, Liz Nolan has a great ass. 

Meg Maley: A 25-year-old server from New Jersey/New York City.

Pros: Meg seems like the perfect blend. Good looking, but not so hot and fake that women hate her; Funny, so she can fit in with the guys outside of a showmance; and Sassy, so gay guys love her.

Cons: Tried out for the hockey and baseball teams in high school just so she could flirt with boys...No wait, that's a "Pro" for her too.

Meg Maley is just quirky enough that she might fool some people and fly under the radar. 

Shelli Poole: A 33-year-old interior designer from Atlanta.

Pros: As part of this season's "twin twist," at least one of the two might be likable, right?

Cons: Got turned down for Real Housewives of Atlanta because she got divorced, so Shelli was forced to settle on Big Brother to pursue fame.

As twins, hopefully Shelli Poole and her sister got the same size of fake boobs, or else they'll be easy to tell apart. 

Steve Moses: A 22-year-old Ivy Leaguer from New York who's still a virgin.

Pros: Apparently he's a genius, which may or may not be indirectly proportional to being a virgin.

Cons: His plan to throw people off from his intellect involves sleeping with a teddy-bear...If Steve was serious about throwing people off about how smart he really is, he'd sleep with Shelli.

Steve Moses: Older people can no longer make the cast of Big Brother, but guys like this can...sigh. 

Vanessa Rousso: A 32-year-old professional poker player from Las Vegas.

Pros: She's a professional poker player, so she thinks that makes her a strategist.

Cons: Being a professional poker player makes Vanessa only slightly smarter than the dude who works at a grocery store and lives with his mom.

A super air-brushed pic of Vanessa Rousso...Don't get too worked up guys, she's got a girlfriend.