The Red Mieni

Super Bowl 46 Pick - Because I Fucked Tom Brady!

2012-02-01T12:19:00.001-08:00

2012 SUPER BOWL PICK AND ANALYSIS:

Great, another Super Bowl where we have to hear New Yorkers and Bostonians tell us how great they are, oblivious to the fact the rest of the country doesn't give a rat's ass about either team or city.

There are so many questions to debate before we choose the winner of Super Bowl 46. Will Tom Brady's change in hairstyles be the trick to help him avenge the Patriots heartbreaking loss to the Giants in Super Bowl 42 that cost them an undefeated season?

Tom Brady changes hairstyles like, well...like he's a bitch. I'm guessing he spent the better part of a year threatening Gisele that he was going to cut his hair short, and then crying over a tub of Ben and Jerry's once he finally did.

Or will Eli Manning win his second ring and bolster his argument that he's the greatest Manning to ever play quarterback in the NFL?

AshleyMadison.com recently asked married women, 'Would you rather have an affair with Tom Brady or Eli Manning?' I'll give you a hint who came out on top...It's the one with the haircut from Greatclips and a perpetual look on his face like he's trying to figure out who farted in the huddle.

Now let's breakdown these two teams and find out how the Patriots and the Giants compare:

Quarterbacks - Both quarterbacks have impressive pedigrees, including Super Bowl wins. While Tom Brady has won more titles, Manning's win was a come from behind victory over Brady's Patriots in 2008. I expect Brady and Manning to put up huge numbers in this game, but when it comes down to it I think Manning is more likely to be the one who will panic and throw a costly interception or two...or three.

Advantage - New England.

Somebody needs to tell Tom Brady that only girls are supposed to wear stupid hats at the Kentucky Derby.

Receivers - The Giants have two of the most explosive receivers in football in Victor Cruz and Hakeem Nicks, as well as a capable #3 target in Mario Manningham. The Patriots really have no answer for their size and speed in their secondary, and they will have to play soft or risk giving up the big play. The Giants pass defense will have their hands full as well, as the Patriots receivers present match-up problems that they have not yet been presented with. With two big and athletic tight ends in Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez, New England has the capability of going no-huddle and running the ball if the Giants go small trying to cover them with a nickle package, or splitting them out wide and sending them down field if either is left alone with a slower linebacker. Throw in Wes Welker to keep the safeties honest, and the Giants back seven could be in for a very long day.

Advantage - Even.

I'm betting that when Rob Gronkowski met porn star Bibi Jones it was one of the only times all season that he was actually glad he was "covered."

Running Game - The Giants at least have the potential to get some decent production from their running backs with Ahmad Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs. Jacobs is hit or miss in the power running game, while Bradshaw is more versatile. In fact, the Giants seem to be sending him down field on pass routes in recent weeks like New Orleans and Miami have utilized Darren Sproles and Reggie Bush. New England will be a pass first offense, and may even abandon the run altogether aside from a few situational packages with Danny Woodhead and Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis on short yardage downs.

Advantage - New York.

Offensive Line - New England has kept the core of their offensive line in tact over the course of their championship years, while adding veteran Pro Bowler Brian Waters and 1st round draft pick Nate Solder to the mix this season. That combination of continuity and talent will help negate New York's fierce pass rush. The Giants have an aging and shaky offensive line, but their task will not be as daunting given New England's lack of skilled pass rushers. They will, however, need to do a better job of run blocking than they did against San Francisco in the NFC Championship Game.

Advantage: New England.

Pass Rush - The Giants have 3 star pass rushers who will rotate at defensive end in Justin Tuck, Jason Pierre-Paul and Osi Umenyiora. While Mathias Kiwanuka is playing more coverage at OLB, he can also get to the passer if called upon. That depth will be important, as the Giants were the first team to expose a weakness in Tom Brady's game in Super Bowl 42 by being able to pressure him with an internal pass rush. Faced with pressure from the inside, Brady struggled when he was unable to calmly step up in the pocket as he has become so adept at doing. For the Patriots, losing Andre Carter to injury for the season was a huge blow, as he was the only pass rusher capable of getting to the quarterback from the outside on a regular basis.

Advantage - New York.

Tom Brady's biggest fears have been exposed as strong interior pass rushes, Federal subpoenas marked "United States vs. Balco," and waterslides.

Run Defense - The Giants are thin at linebacker when it comes to depth, with rookies like Greg Jones and Mark Herzlich forced into action at times this season before they were ready due to injuries. Fortunately for them, the Patriots do not put a great deal of focus on running the ball, allowing opposing defenses to cheat an extra linebacker into coverage. New England is equally thin at linebacker, and if the Giants don't fall behind early and stop trying to establish their running game they could find some success against the Patriots.

Advantage - Even.

Pass Defense - Both secondaries are brutal. The Giants primarily due to injury, and the Patriots mostly because of a lack of talent. Julian Edelman, a quarterback in college who converted to a wide receiver and punt returner in the NFL, has even been receiving playing time in the Patriots secondary late in the season and the Playoffs. While both teams will struggle to slow down talented and veteran passers like Eli Manning and Tom Brady, New York's pass rush should help their secondary in that they will not have to hold their coverage as long as the Patriots will.

Advantage - New York.

Special Teams - New York's special teams are solid, but not spectacular. New England has invested high draft picks on their kicking game, and have the most explosive trio of slow white kick returners in Julian Edelman, Danny Woodhead and Wes Welker this side of BYU or Notre Dame...In fact, Joe Theismann would be proud.

Advantage - New England.

Key Players - New England QB Tom Brady, New England TE Aaron Hernandez, New England TE Rob Gronkowski, New England DT Vince Wilfork; New York QB Eli Manning New York WR Hakeem Nicks, New York WR Victor Cruz, New York CB Corey Webster.

MVP Predictions - New England - Tom Brady; New York - Hakeem Nicks.

Final Predictions:
New England 34, New York Giants 27
New England -3 Over New York/Over 51

Whether Eli Manning and the Giants fuck Tom Brady, or whether New York gets screwed by Brady and the Patriots in the end, I'm ordering this "I Fucked Tom Brady" t-shirt from Mohut and making whoever finishes in last place in my fantasy football league next year wear it at our draft.

Season Record Against the Spread:

NFL Championship Game Results: 2-2
NFL Results Season to Date: 124-129-11

College Football Season Results: 32-31-2

The Bachelor Blog: "Blakeley is like a champion out there. Who knew that strippers could play baseball"

2012-01-30T23:48:00.000-08:00

This week the girls arrived in Puerto Rico, where Nicki received the first 1-on-1 date. As Ben and Nicki visited a local village, a torrential rain came down and ruined their plans. However, they made the most of the moisture by shopping for dry local clothing, and Ben left dressed in white linen and Nicki in a table cloth.

First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the crazy women...

Nicki didn't have the chemistry that the other girls had with Ben, but she didn't seem like she was as bat shit crazy either...at least until the two of them stumbled across a local wedding at what appeared to be a historic church.

While Nicki held it together long enough to get a rose, you can just tell that the combination of a 1-on-1 date rose and seeing a romantic wedding with Ben is going to be the point where we all look back and say, "that's where Nicki went all in on Ben and lost her God damn mind."

The Group Date consisted of dividing the girls into two teams for a baseball game, with the winning team getting to stay with Ben for a beach party that evening. Blakeley's team seemed like the early favorite to win, as she revealed that she had played growing up and in "college." This caused Courtney to take notice by saying, "Blakeley is like a champion out there. Who knew that strippers could play baseball."

I guess it never occurred to me that Blakeley, the V.I.P. cocktail waitress, actually went to college. In fact, her bio lists that she was an "esthetician." Clearly, I wouldn't have made fun of her intelligence had I known that she used to be a doctor.

In the end, Blakeley's team lost to Courtney's, which caused her to snap at her teammates. "I wanted this so bad. I busted my ass out there because I thought you guys would do the same." When Blakeley and some of the other girls couldn't control their tears, Courtney more than gladly reminded the camera that, "There's no crying in baseball."

Apparently Blakeley likes cars too, because she busted her ass so hard for this '77 Chevy Nova that her pants fell off.

As she has done on a few prior occasions, Courtney displayed some insecurity towards Kacie B's relationship with Ben. In fact, you can tell which girls in the house that Courtney is afraid of just by how catty she acts towards them.

Needless to say, when Ben gave Kacie B. the Group Date rose just moments after Courtney actually admitted that she was worried about her, you knew that Courtney was going to step-up her game big time. She did so by taking Ben down to the beach while letting her boob hang out and suggesting that they go skinny-dipping, even though Ben was too nervous to take her up on the offer.

Elyse was the recipient of the second 1-on-1 date, and she departed with Ben on a yacht. However, their date took a turn for the worse when she proclaimed that she had pretty much accomplished everything in life that she had hoped, noting that she had already completed college, obtained a Masters Degree, and found a job that she loved...By the way, did I mention that Elyse is a personal trainer?

Elyse also explained how she was in a prior serious relationship that had unexpectedly ended, and saying how much she really wanted to be engaged again. Apparently noticing that Elyse never once mentioned that she was interested in being in a serious relationship with him, as opposed to just being in a serious relationship with anyone, Ben's man alarm went off and he sent her home in a dinghy without a rose.

As Ben returned home from his date with Elyse, Courtney was waiting for him in nothing but her bathrobe and a bottle of wine, hoping he'd take her up on her earlier offer to go skinny-dipping. "I don't know if Ben's ever skinny dipped with a model before," she rhetorically asked.

Note to Ben, when you have to say things like, "I'm thinking to myself that this probably isn't a good idea," it probably isn't a good idea. Not unless you really like the idea of watching yourself swim naked with a skanky catalogue model while you're with the girl that you ultimately wind up choosing.

Courtney was clearly feeling the mood when she removed her clothes said, "I feel so lucky that we are on the beach alone...nobody else around." Of course by "nobody," she obviously meant the numerous camera men and producers who all saw her naked at the same time Ben did for the first time...Ahh, the romance.

Before skinny-dipping with Courtney, Ben decided to proclaim all of Puerto Rico his by peeing on the beach.

Before the Rose Ceremony, Blakeley pulled Ben aside and informed him that she never thought that somebody like him would be interested in a girl like her, mainly because she never felt like she deserved it. Apparently, that's the kind of self worth you get when your primary talent involves writing your name on napkins slow enough that a table of Japanese guys wearing cowboy boots can get a good look down your shirt before they order a "Flappertizer."

Emily tried to atone for her mistake of spending her time with Ben last week complaining about Courtney, by complaining about Courtney...again. This caused Ben to warn her, "I encourage you to drop it and tread lightly."

Emily surprisingly managed to get the final rose over Jennifer, who Ben had previously declared the "best kisser in the house." When Ben informed her of his decision Jennifer was able to keep herself together and calmly say, "I completely understand." Of course, whenever a girl on The Bachelor says "I completely understand," it really means "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? I WAS SURE THAT WE WERE GOING TO GET MARRIED!"

Jennifer's initial calmness turned into sniffles, which lead to smeared makeup, and then transformed into full blown tears. Crying lead to hyperventilating, which gave way to a full fledged panic attack. The last we saw Jennifer a giant vein pulsating had developed on her forehead as she compulsively picked at her face sobbing, "What did I do wrong?"

Jennifer is the perfect example of how an eliminated Bachelor contestant can go from relatively pretty to a near death train wreck in just a matter of seconds...kind of like Brittney Spears' life, but on speed.

Super Bowl XLVI Pick - Because I Fucked Tom Brady!

2012-01-24T23:12:00.000-08:00

2012 SUPER BOWL PICK AND ANALYSIS:

Or will Eli Manning win his second ring and bolster his argument that he's the greatest Manning to ever play quarterback in the NFL?

AshleyMadison.com recently conducted a poll of which starting QB married women would rather have an affair with, Tom Brady or Eli Manning? I'll give you a hint who came out on top...It's the one with the haircut from Greatclips and a perpetual look on his face like he's trying to figure out who farted in the huddle.

Somebody needs to tell Tom Brady that only girls are supposed to wear stupid hats at the Kentucky Derby.

I'm betting that when Rob Gronkowski met porn star Bibi Jones it was one of the only times all season that he was actually glad he was "covered."

Tom Brady's biggest fears have been exposed as strong interior pass rushes, Federal subpoenas marked "United States vs. Balco," and waterslides.

Season Record Against the Spread:

NFL Championship Game Results: 2-2
NFL Results Season to Date: 124-129-11

College Football Season Results: 32-31-2

The Bachelor Blog: "I got a fish, and then her head almost popped off"

2012-01-23T23:28:00.000-08:00

You knew the estrogen levels were starting to get high The Bachelor mansion this week when Ben announced that he was asking Rachel on a 1-on-1 date, and two different girls lost their shit started crying. Or as Kacie B. managed to sniffle, "I...wanted to throw up."

Rachel's date consisted of a canoe ride, followed by a general lack of conversation. However, Rachel isn't ugly, and she isn't crazy (so far as we know so far), so Ben gave her a rose anyway. Given some of the other girls left in the house, I can't say that he made the wrong decision.

Seriously, some girls get dates with private concerts, others get to do adventurous things like climb the Golden Gate Bridge. Rachel got to go on a canoe ride...in Utah.

This week's group date began with a horseback ride, followed by Ben trying to teach the girls how to fly-fish. Courtney explained, "Let's be honest, it's not really about catching a trout, it's about catching Ben...I've never fished before, but catching a fish probably isn't much harder than catching a man - done that before."

Having dated actor Jesse Metcalfe of Desperate Housewives, Courtney Robertson definitely seems have a plan to "catch men"...even if she always does have a look on her face like someone took a shit on her stilettos.

Things didn't initially go as Courtney had planned, as Kacie B. was the first girl that Ben paid attention to. This caused Courtney to comment, "I think Kacie B's cute and sweet, and she's kind of annoying." She also proclaimed that she's "not jealous" of Kacie B., even though she can't refrain from making the "bitter bitch face" whenever she talks about her.

Having broken up with her boyfriend just to come on The Bachelor, Courtney has a lot riding on "winning."

Courtney went on to proclaim that she was going to turn the Group Date into her own 1-on-1 date, and she took Ben upstream and away from the other girls. Lindzi tried to interrupt their alone time and prove to Ben how outdoorsy she was, but her attempt proved to be awkward as Courtney caught the only fish of the date just as she arrived, prompting her to snark, "I think Lindzi should have stayed back and it would have been less awkward for her...I got a fish, and then her head almost popped off."

After making out with Kacie B. back at the mansion, Courtney got jealous and threatened Ben by telling him that she had "lost sight of everything...of us." This caused Ben to panic and change his mind on who he was going to give the Group Date Rose to, and he ended up giving it to Courtney just to reassure her. The normally sweet Kacie B. responded by saying, "I have this moment with him, and then he comes and gives the rose to Courtney - it pisses me off."

In a Bachelor 101 tactical error, Samantha L. tried a similar approach with Ben as Courtney did, demanding to know why she had been on 3 Group Dates, but not a single 1-on-1. Apparently Samantha was not hot enough for Ben, as he immediately informed her that he didn't "see this going very much further," and he sent her packing on the spot...Of course, there's also a rumor floating around that Samantha had fallen for one a producer who was married with kids, so that also might have played just a small role in why she was sent home.

The second 1-on-1 date went to Jennifer, who's a cute enough girl, but probably not one of the front-runners. Ben took her on a hike up to the top of a crater, which they repelled down and plunged into a pool of warm spa like water. Later, they took a gondola back down the crater, where they were treated to a concert by Clay Walker.

While it seemed like their date went well, this was probably the typical Bachelor example of the two hitting it off because of what they were doing, and not necessarily who they were with. If the two had done something normal...like say, having gone on a canoe ride, I'm not sure they would have hit it off.

Emily decided to tell Ben how Courtney is a giant bitch and not a good match for him. However, Ben warned her not to get consumed by Courtney, and urged her to stay focussed on the two of them instead. As is always the case in The Bachelor, it's never a good idea to waste you time campaigning negatively against one of the other girls when you could be selling yourself, or as Courtney put it, "Why would she be so stupid to talk about me with (her) 1-on-1 time with him? What an idiot."

Courtney and and Emily then followed the girl playbook to a tee by getting passive aggressive and talking negatively about each other within earshot, but not actually saying anything directly to each other. One of the girls tried to break the tension by noting, "There are roses tonight, how do we feel about that?" That cause Courtney to snark, "I feel awesome about it beause I already have one."

Much to Courtney's dismay, Emily ended up getting the final rose of the evening, with Monica coming up empty handed.

The Bachelor Blog: "Butt-skiing backwards is on my leap list"

2012-01-17T23:25:00.000-08:00

This week we had The Bachelor "shake-up" episode, with one girl voluntarily leaving the house, and an old contestant walking back in. We also learned this week that former Bachelor contestant Emily Maynard has been handed the keys to the mansion to be the next Bachelorette, or should I say "The NASCARette." My early money is on Dale Earnhardt, Jr. to win her hand.

Ben chose Emily, the epidemiologist, to go with him on the week's first 1-on-1 on a hike up the Golden Gate Bridge to the top of one of its arches. Of course, keeping up with The Bachelor tradition of intentionally sending people on dates that involve things they are afraid of, Emily just happened to be terrified of heights.

Sending Emily up one of the suspension cables of the Golden Gate Bridge was akin to having the girl who's deathly afraid of water snorkel on the Great Barrier Reef, having the girl scared of flying go on an open cock-pit helicopter ride, and having the NASCAR widow drive a race car (Her ex actually died in in a plane crash and not a car wreck, but she had a fat little daughter with him so I guess we're not allowed to question her emotions).

Frankly, I don't blame Emily for being terrified of heights. There's only one reason to climb to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, and that's to jump off and plunge to a horrific fucking death.

In the end Emily was a good sport having conquered her fear of heights after Ben gave her a kiss, which ultimately earned her a rose. As a bonus, the other girls were able to spy on them climbing the Golden Gate Bridge from the mansion with telescopes, and they also saw the fireworks that went off when the two of them ultimately had sex...I mean made-out at the end of the night.

For the Group Date, Ben took roughly half of the girls on a ski trip down a San Francisco street that had been blocked-off and covered with artificial snow. Kind of like when any city in the South gets a quarter inch of snow, total chaos ensued. When Kacie B. finished the final leg of the hill going backwards and doing the splits, Ben proclaimed that "butt-skiing backwards is on my leap list."

Apparently Kacie B. didn't back that ass up enough, as Rachel was the one who ultimately got the "Group Date" Rose. Now if we could just find a way to get figure skaters to wear less clothing...

Back at the house, Brittney was asked to go on the second 1-on-1 date. Strangely, almost as if she had a secret boyfriend back home, Brittney declared that her heart wasn't in it for the right reasons and she decided to go home. This caused Ben to reflect, "Her departure represents that any of these women can leave whenever they want," proving that The Bachelor is a step above fundamental Mormonism and the Church of Scientology when it comes to women's rights.

Between Blakeley and Brittney, ABC should have saved some expenses and just shot this year's season of The Bachelor at the local Hooters restaurant in San Francisco.

The new 1-on-1 date was awarded to Lindzi, the equestrian rider from Seattle. Lindzi didn't seem to mind being Ben's second choice, even though the Goodyear Blimp flew by and mistakenly spelled out Brittney's name. Well, maybe that didn't happen, but Lindzi was still a trooper nonetheless.

The two went on a date to San Francisco's City Hall, which would have been the perfect setting for Blakeley and Monica to get married in the footsteps of Harvey Milk's corpse, only the two budding lesbians no longer seem to be a couple. When Monica saw Blakeley's picture come up in Ben's car during a picture slide-show of the remaining girls on their way to the ski-date she snarked, "I'd rather look at Rachel." Damn, was it a man or the money that came between the once happy couple?

While Lindzi has come across like a normal girl, something about her seems just a little bit off. Ben broached that subject by asking her how she was still single. Lindzi brought up how she had been in love once, only to be dumped via a text message that read, "Welcome to Dumpsville, population you." Let's just say I'm a doubter. Personally, I'd be willing to bet that something else went on to precipitate such a message, as you just don't get dumped like that out of the blue if you were truly in love unless you did something really wrong.

At the Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony, Ben spent time with Jennifer and confidentially told her that she was the best kisser in the house, meaning that he also secretly acknowledged that he had pretty much kissed every other girl in the house. I have a feeling that is going to end up being a problem for Ben once all the girls start putting 2 and 2 together. However, being a girl, Jennifer wasn't ready to do that kind of hard math just quite yet, and she became the first girl of the season to declare herself to be "falling in love."

Ben also pulled bitch-faced model Courtney aside and took her to the secret room that JFK used to take Marlyn Monroe to, where they began making out. Working her 5-minutes of fame, Courtney told Ben, "I deal with the drama because it's worth it to me," which of course is kind of like saying that you deal with shit on the floor because you're the one who pooped there.

Just as Lindzi received a rose from Ben and declared that "nothing could ruin it," the TV audience was shown a video of an "unknown" girl calling Chris Harrison and declaring that she was driving in to see Ben. As the mystery girl arrived at the Mansion, she walked right passed the other girls and onto the patio looking for Ben, causing Courtney to take notice and ask, "Who's THAT girl?" After a stunned Elyse had her private conversation with Ben interrupted, she demanded to know, "Who IS she?"

My initial instinct was, 'holy shit, the mystery girl's going to be Jennifer Love Hewitt, or maybe the "Fang Girl" from last season!' Instead, the "mystery girl" just turned out to be Shawntel, the creepy mortician from Brad's season. That caused Jaclyn to exclaim, "We don't want re-use Brad's dumpster trash!" Ben, who awkwardly acknowledged that he and Shawntel had talked before the show, allowed her to attend the Rose Ceremony, but without any promises.

If tabloid reports are true, Ben actually went out on a date at Jennifer Love Hewitt's request, but ultimately was not interested in her. Now he has Blakeley and Courtney to choose from. Advice to Ben, when you have an "A-List" celebrity pursuing you, don't throw that opportunity away to date a waitress who's clearly using you just to land the cover shot on next year's Hooters Calendar.

Shawntel's arrival clearly brought out the absolute worst in the other contestants. Whether it was girls trying to be funny, to just plain being bitchy, no guy wants to hear any of that shit. Honestly, a girl's either hot or she's not, and nothing else matters...and if any of you women want to yell at me for saying that, then stop going out with guys who play the acoustic guitar and then we can talk.

My girlfriend went as far as to ask if they were putting anything in the girls drinks to make them cry, to which my prompt response was, "Yes, it's called estrogen." Unfortunately, we still had to listen to Courtney go through the dramatics of saying how she'd decline her rose if Shawntel got one, only to see her accept when she was the first girl offered at the Rose Ceremony. She did give Ben a bitchy lecture about how upset she was at him, even though she's supposed to be the one competing for his affection.

Ultimately, it came down to one rose with only Erica, Jaclyn and Shawntel left. The pressure proved to be too much, as Erica fainted and Jaclyn went all scorned lover by blurting out how she was "getting dumped by a girl that he's know for three minutes" even before made a decision. After Erica regained conciousness and Jaclyn quit screaming, Ben announced that none of the three girls would be getting the final rose...And just to set the record straight, Jaclyn didn't get dumped because Shawntel came on the show, she got dumped because she's fucking ugly.

Jaclyn kind of looks like one of those kids who has that rapid aging disease, only if that kid was crossed with Paris Hilton and had really bad hair extensions... Jesus, now I'm going to have nightmares.

NFL Picks - Conference Championship Games: Because Joe Flacco is rocking a bitchin' Freddy Mercury mustache, so he has that going.

2012-01-16T08:56:00.000-08:00

NFL Divisional Playoff Results: 3-1
NFL Results Season to Date: 122-127-11

College Football Season Results: 32-31-2

NFL Conference Championship Game Picks (winners in parentheses):

Giants vs. 49ers (49ers, home, -3, Over 42 ) New York lost 27-20 the first time they played in San Francisco this season, so I have to think that the Over is going to prevail in this game. While Alex Smith is limited in his abiltiy to push the ball down field, the Giants back seven will allow the 49ers to pick up yards dinking and dunking the ball. If the 49ers have a weakness on defense, it's their secondary, which will have its hands full with the Giants big and explosive wide receivers.

Ravens vs. Patriots (Ravens, road, +9, Over 50.5) As good as Baltimore's defense is, I can't see them slowing down New England's offense. However, I think the Ravens offense is capable of scoring some points, as Ray Rice should be able to exploit the Patriots defense by getting outside and in the passing game... and Joe Flacco is rocking a bitchin' Freddie Mercury mustache, so he has that going for him.

I have no idea what's going on in Joe Flacco's personal life, but I want to party with that dude...I just don't necessarily want him as my team's quarterback.

NFL Picks - Divisional Playoffs: Because if Tom Brady didn't like getting drafted in the 6th round, he has nobody to blame but himself.

2012-01-13T17:12:00.000-08:00

NFL Wildcard Weekend Results: 0-4
NFL Results Season to Date: 119-126-11

College Football BCS Championship Game Results: 0-1
College Football Results Season to Date: 32-31-2

NFL Divisional Championship Game Picks (winners in parentheses):

Saints vs. 49ers (49ers, home, +4) New Orleans is not nearly as good of a team on the road as they are at home, and they're even worse when their road games are on natural grass. San Francisco's defense should be able to keep the Saints in the low to mid twenty point range, so this game will come down to Alex Smith and the running game carrying their end of the deal. If they can't, the 49ers just might find themselves in the Peyton Manning sweepstakes.

Giants vs. Packers (Packers, home, -9) Green Bay received their first significant snowfall of the year on Thursday, which should do nothing but add to their home field advantage. In a Packer tradition, the team is paying loyal fans $10/hour to shovel out the stadium, so you know the "Packer-Backers" will be out in full force on Sunday. The Giants stayed close to the Packers in their first match-up, but that game was in New York. Aaron Rodgers should be able to pick apart the mediocre secondary of the Giants. While the Packers defense has struggled at times this year giving up points, they've also got the playmakers to create some turnovers giving their offense the extra cushion they need to prevail in this game.

Finally, after a several year hiatus, C.W.A. is back with a new release! Let's see your "Packer Face!"

Texans vs. Ravens (Ravens, home, -4) Joe Flacco is no Trent Dilfer, but T.J. Yates is no Matt Leinart. Both Baltimore and Houston have great defenses, but the Ravens have shown that they have the ability to score points at times behind Ray Rice, while the Texans have struggled to find themselves on offense since Matt Schaub was lost with a season ending foot injury. If the Texans become one-dimensional and only run the ball, Baltimore should be able to shut them down.

Broncos vs. Patriots (Patriots, home, -14) Is anybody else sick of the overplayed storyline of how Tom Brady is still motivated because he was only a 6th Round draft pick? If Tom Brady didn't like getting drafted in the 6th round, he has nobody to blame but himself. He was an out of shape and mediocre quarterback in college who's body "magically transformed" once he got to the pros. Brady not only couldn't even hold down a full time starting job at the University of Michigan, but he really doesn't even have an argument that he deserved more playing time.

I know he just lost a bet, but Tom Brady wouldn't have started at Michigan State either.

I'm not buying into the "God wants Tim Tebow to win a Super Bowl hype." If God wanted him to be a succesful NFL quarterback, he would have given him the ability to throw. In fact, I'm not even sure that Tebow is really even left-handed. The way that he throws the ball, he's like the right-handed kid you grew up who insisted on batting lefty just to try to be cool in front of the guys, even though he always ended up striking out.

Google what Tavaris Jackson did in Minnesota behind a good defense in 2008 & 2009. It was very similar to what Tim Tebow has done in his first two years, yet we don't hear people talk about him incessantly or see him in underwear ads.

Look for New England to put up over 40 points on the Broncos like they did less than a month ago. If that's the case, there's no way Tebow and his "Te-cipals" will be able to keep pace offensively.

Tim Tebow vs. Tom Brady...am I the only one hoping that the Department of Homeland Security takes a long holiday weekend?

The Bachelor Blog: "So, how'd that taste coming out your mouth?"

2012-01-11T19:36:00.000-08:00

With the first Rose Ceremony out of the way, Ben chose Kacie B. to go on the season's first 1-on-1 date. The date took place in the downtown Sonoma, CA, where Ben lives. In what seemed like the only 5 minutes of normalcy we've seen this season, the two really seemed to hit things off. I'm making Kacie my early frontrunner to win since she a relatively pretty and seemingly down to earth girl.

When Kacie saw a baton in the window of an old fashioned toy store, she admitted to Ben that she had been a twirler in her youth. While Blakeley also acknowledged twirling a baton or two in her day, they were apparently talking about two entirely different things. Kacie and Ben then marched down the street as if that was completely normal to everyone around them before going to a theater and watching home videos of each other from their youth. In a side note, Ben lives in the whitest town in all of America.

Meanwhile, the first group date was announced, where roughly half of the girls accompanied Ben to participate with an acting class. However, when it was revealed that it was a childrens' acting troupe as opposed to professional actors, not only were most of the girls pissed, but they turned out to be very inappropriately dressed as well.

With the children having written a Bachelor themed fairy-tale, they auditioned the girls for the various roles in their play. For her audition, one of the children asked Blakeley (who was wearing a very revealing low cut jumper/romper) to "jog in slow motion."

If a ten-year-old asked Blakeley to jog slowly in slow motion Baywatch style, either the Producers were feeding him the line, or the steroids being put in our meats really are causing kids to hit puberty several years earlier than they used to.

Apparently Blakeley, the "VIP" cocktail waitress, is polarizing to women of all ages, as one of the little girls said, "That girl with the, uh, the like (trying to describe her boobs and plunging neckline with hand gestures)...I wasn't a fan of her." On the other hand a little boy could not control his smile when he said, "I thought she did good!" ABC then signed the boy up to be The Bachelor 2025, and the girl to be one of his contestants. Spoiler Alert! - The little girl gets eliminated in the second week when she has a melt-down after realizing she doesn't stack up with the other women.

Somebody needs to tell Blakeley what the "Very Important" in V.I.P. stands for.

Following the play, the girls met Ben for drinks at the pool where a rose still up for grabs from the group date. When one of the girls exclaimed "There's a rose on the table!," the girls stared it down like my dog does when there's food in front of him that he knows that he can't touch, but he is not so secretly hoping gets offered to him or accidentally falls on the floor...whichever happens first. Personally, if I was The Bachelor I'd hold my rose over the girl's head and make her jump for it, but that's just me.

My dog Shaq...drooling.

True to form, when house-bitch Blakeley heard about the rose she snarked, "I know, I didn't want to take it in front of you guys." She then proceeded to isolate Ben in the pool, where they engaged in a make-out session within eye-shot of the other girls. Not surprisingly, Blakeley received the rose from Ben for making the most of her "conversation time" with him.

Apparently Maxim lets you keep the swimsuit.

For his second one-on-one date, Ben selected Courtney, the other girl in the house who was going out of her way to be catty with the other women. For instance, when Kacie read the announcement that Ben had selected Courtney for the date, Courtney antagonized her by quipping, "So, how'd that taste coming out of your mouth?" She also passive aggressively questioned Lindzie C. on whether she felt like she got the First Impression Rose because Ben really liked her, or just because she made a big entrance on her horse.

Not surprisingly, after Courtney found out she was going on the one-one-date she voiced her true motives. "I have really good interactions with him. I'm also really competitive, and I usually win - WINNING!" Note to Courtney, if it wasn't amusing when Charlie Sheen said it, then it's certainly not amusing when a girl says it.

So to recap, so far Ben gave a group date rose to the biggest slut in the house in Blakeley, and one of his two 1-on-1 dates to the bitchy girl who's only on the show to further her modeling career. So far it's pretty safe to say that Ben might not be the best decision maker.

Upon showing up for the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Ben proclaimed that the evening was for all the girls that did not get to go on a group date or otherwise have time with him. That didn't stop Blakeley from repeatedly butting in and stealing him away from girls as they were trying to use what little time they had left to make a final impression upon him.

It was evident that Blakeley was getting cocky when she announced, "All these bitches, I just got the rose dude!" She also bragged, "Being a Scorpio, we're super passionate and great lovers." Comments like those ultimately caused some of the other girls to knock her down a peg and freeze her out of the room with their own snarky comments directed back at her.

I'm thinking that Blakeley being good in bed has less to do with her Zodiac sign, and more to do with the fact that she's a dirty whore.

Meanwhile, Jennacray Z. used her alone time with Ben to try and explain why she was such a mess before the first Rose Ceremony, only she rambled on said something along the lines of, "I feel like a guy." Not only did Jenna totally fuck up her chance for an endorsement deal with Secret Anti-perspirant, but Ben was visibly uncomfortable. Ultimately, Jenna was left mumbling to herself when she was interrupted by another girl who took Ben away from her before she could clarify that she actually is a woman.

Needless to say, when Ben intervened to straighten things out with the girls after learning of conflicts within the house, he found Blakeley balled up in the corner of the luggage room and Jenna in the room next to her sobbing uncontrollably. It was at that point that he had an "Oh-Shit" moment where he remembered why guys don't like to date any one woman for an extended period of time, let alone 20 of them.

So was "mean-girl" Blakeley really crying over comments from some of the other girls, or did she just use that as a cover when Ben walked in on her snorting coke in the corner of the luggage-room?.

By the Rose Ceremony we had a good idea of who was crazy (Jenna), and who the gold-digging sluts were (Blakeley and Courtney). Lets just say that when it comes to having a strategy on The Bachelor, it's better for the girls to use their sex appeal and piss off the other girls than it is to have a melt-down in the bachelor's presence and expect him to keep you around out of sympathy.

Not surprisingly, Blakeley and Courtney both received their roses before the Rose Ceremony, while Jenna the blogger girl was sent home crying hysterically. A girl named Shawn was also evicted, but I really don't even know which one she was. Personally I think it was too early for Ben to start sending pretty girls home just because they might be a little bit emotionally unstable, especially when there are still plenty of chicks like Jaclyn and Monica left in the house that he needs to get rid of simply because they're ugly.

Getting sent home after two emotional melt-downs over a guy that she had only known for 2 days is probably not going to help the credibility of Jenna's relationship blog. Then again, she's almost guaranteed to get an invite to be on The Bachelor Pad.

And on a final note, here's a must-see reality dating show parody from the NFL Network:

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE VIDEO

The Bachelor Blog: "Maybe we can share a tampon sometime"

2012-01-09T01:42:00.000-08:00

This season's bachelor is Constantine. Okay, I'm informed that the bachelor is not Constantine, it's some other guy from last fall's season of The Bachelorette who looks just like Constantine, neither of whom ended up getting picked by the girl with the gigantic forehead.

Believe it or not, these are two different guys who appeared on The Bachlorette last season. Up top is Constantine, while "Not Constantine," a/k/a Ben, is below him.

Actually, "Not Constantine" is really Ben, who is the male version of last season's bachelorette, Ashley. While Ben doesn't really have the personality and charisma to carry a show like The Bachelor by himself, he's not someone who's going to make news for being physically or emotionally abusive to the opposite sex, which has recently become important to ABC...and yes, I'm talking about Vienna.

This season has the standard mix of desperate girls who are either on the show just to make names for themselves, or ones who have the requisite background stories (mom's with dependency issues, dads' in prison, dead husbands, bastard children, uncles who molested them or grandmas) and the ability to fall in love in the amount of time that it takes to walk from a limousine and into a mansion necessary to make them reality dating show contestants.

The good news is that the show brings out every negative quality that a woman can have: cattiness, neediness, sluttiness, desperation and white girls trying to rap. That is why I'm attempting my first "Bachelor Blog."

See, I began watching this show with my girlfriend last year, and we ended up just sitting around and cracking jokes about the contestants the entire time. Since I've already tried blogging three other reality shows, I figured that I might as well take a stab at this one too since it was practically writing itself.

Am I afraid that it will make me less of a man and diminish the credibility of my football related blog posts? Yes, yes I am, but I have to do something to get back in my girlfriend's good graces after all of the college cheerleader pictures I've been posting.

First Impressions (not an exhaustive list, but my thoughts on the girls who stood out):

Holly - A blond from the bluegrass state who came in wearing a "Derby hat." After she asked Ben the two things Kentucky is known for, she revealed that they were "beautiful women and fast horses." However, living in the state of Kentucky myself, I think she got it confused, as the two things we are actually known for are "beautiful horses and fast women."

Brittney - As a way to stand out from the field, Brittney caused a stir by bringing her 92-year-old grandmother with her to meet Ben. While there is nothing that a guy wants to do more than meet a girl's grandmother, especially when he has over 20 other beautiful girls (and 3 ugly ones) to choose from, Brittney definitely stood out...to the other girls who instantly hated her for going with such a cheesy play for sympathy.

Brittney S. is such a good family girl...she'd make any Grandma very proud.

Lindzie C. - Like Brittney, Lindzie C. was somehow able to get authorization from the show's Producers to utilize a prop while making her entrance. However, instead of using a some old lady's corpse, Lindzie C. rode in on her horse, which immediately grabbed Ben's attention and helped her earn the First Impression Rose. It also earned her the scorn of every other girl in the house...

Holly, the wanna be horse girl from Kentucky, made a face like her thong had popped when she realized that she had been upstaged by a real life equestrian rider when she's really just some chick who shows her tits to a bunch of rednecks on the infield at Churchill Downs after bonging a few lukewarm tallboys of Bush Light.

Samantha - Samantha wore her "Miss Pacific Palasides" sash into the house, which to me was akin to the guy on last season's The Bachelorette who wore a mask and refused to to take it off. The only difference is that the dude from The Bachelorette wore the mask so Ashley would get to know him for his personality, while Samantha wore her sash to make sure that Ben remembered her for her looks.

I'm just looking forward to Samantha getting eliminated so we can see shots of her sneaking around the house at night after all the other girls have gone to bed to Phantom of the Opera music, and then sitting on the toilet wearing nothing but her sash...actually, strike the Phantom of the Opera music and add Here She Is, Miss America music, and I think we have a winner.

Courtney - The model who clearly has no interest in Ben. She obviously just wants to be on the show to further her career and beat the other girls for the sport of it. Upon seeing her for the first time, Ben stammered, "That's a pretty girl" as Courtney walked away. This isn't going to end well for Ben, who's clearly out of his league with this cup of bad news.

Amber T. - Amber is a tomboy/hunter from Nebraska, which pretty much makes her un-datable to anyone outside of the state of Nebraska. While Amber declared that she wanted to take Ben back home and make him eat "beef nuts" (cow balls) because they're "really, really messy - and really, really slimy," she got eliminated when she wore a jersey dress with Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s logo on it to the Rose Ceremony.

The Lesbians (Blakeley and Monica) - Blakely is the standard V.I.P. cocktail waitress, a slutty girl who makes a living conning rich old guys into giving her big tips.

I think it's safe to say that Blakeley is on The Bachelor for all the right reasons.

Monica is the girl who was obviously brought on the show for the sole purpose of playing the villain, as she's not pretty enough to be on for any other reason. In fact, you can always tell the girls on reality dating shows that don't really care about the guy because they always end up getting totally bombed at the first cocktail party and making catty comments to the other girls. That's exactly what happened when Monica picked a fight with Jenna, and then made a not so subtle drunken pass at Blakely on the couch in front of the rest of the house. "I love Blakeley. No, I'm serious. I love girls. She's real, and she's amazing. I love her - her teeth, her beauty, her eyes - God, there is something about a gorgeous real woman!"

Even though Monica has no apparent interest in Ben (or any other man for that matter), you just know that the producers are going to make sure that he keeps her around long enough to stir things up around the house in order to generate some buzz and ratings.

Jenna - At first I thought that "Bachelor Blog Girl" Jenna, a relationship blogger from New York, was going to be the pretty all-American girl that makes a run to the end. However, it quickly became obvious that she is bat-shit crazy. Of course I should have known better, as the only girls who write relationship blogs are the ones who are too crazy to be in an actual relationship themselves.

Jenna completely lost her shit after she got into an argument with Monica, which culminated with Jenna sarcastically saying, "Maybe we can share a tampon sometime!" I'm not really sure what happened after that, as the phrase "share a tampon" sent me into toxic-shock for about 20 minutes, but when I came to Jenna had locked herself in the bathroom where she could be heard crying and mumbling to herself.

Oddly enough, locking herself in a bathroom and crying is the exact same thing that my date for Homecoming did my senior year in high school...true story.

While I actually think that Jenna is probably one of the few girls who really want to be on the show to meet Ben, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that she's also going to be the first girl to declare that she's "falling in love" with him after just a few conversations and a one-on-one date to a Benihana, where they sit at a community table before going straight home.

NFL Picks - Wildcard Weekend: Because Tim Tebow has never had sex with a girl, while Ben Roethlisberger has sex with women even when they don't want to have sex with him.

2012-01-07T08:26:00.000-08:00

Week 17 NFL Results: 8-8
NFL Results Season to Date: 119-122-11

College Football Bowl Results: 3-3
College Football Results Season to Date: 32-30-2

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):
Saturday
Bengals vs. Texans (Bengals, road, +3) Both teams start rookie quarterbacks, one a heralded rookie who was handed his teams starting job from day one, and the other a third-stringer who was forced into action due to injuries. While Houston clearly would like to ride their running game in the playoffs as much as possible to take the pressure off of T.J. Yates, the Bengals defense is not an ideal match-up for them to do so. Look for Andy Dalton and the Bengals to do slightly more through the air to not only cover, but to steal a win on the road.
Lions vs. Saints (Lions, road, +11) For some reason, the spread in this game is 11 points, the same margin by which New Orleans beat Detroit on December 4th. I look for the Lions to perform better than they did in their 31-17 loss for several reasons:

- In the initial game, the Lions followed up an undisciplined game against Green Bay on Thanksgiving with 11 penalties for over 100 yards against the Saints. Those penalties included after the whistle personal fouls on Brandon Pettigrew, Titus Young and Stefan Logan, as well as three offensive pass interference calls on Nate Burleson. While Detroit is not the most disciplined team in the league, they seem to have gotten their personal fouls under control in recent weeks, and Burleson is no longer wearing white sleeves underneath his jersey so as to avoid having any routine pushing and shoving stand out to the officials.

-In their first match-up Detroit was without starting cornerback Chris Houston, top back-up cornerback Brandon McDonald, starting safety Louis Delmas, and defensive end rush specialist Lawrence Jackson. Additionally, first round pick defensive tackle Nick Fairley and running back Kevin Smith were injured during the game, and all world defensive tack Ndamukong Suh sat out due to a suspension. Not that injuries are an excuse, but at a time when most teams are losing players, with the exception of running back Jahvid Best Detroit will have every projected starter from the opening of training camp back and healthy for this game.

-I thought the Lions were dealt a raw deal when their first game with the Saints was flex-timed to Sunday Night Football by NBC, as playing at the Superdome in primetime is a significant disadvantage. However, that game will prove to be a significant learning experience now that they have drawn the Saints on the road in primetime for the second time in a month the playoffs. While another team might be forced to guess when simulating the conditions they expect from the Saints home crowd, the Lions have already seen the best that those crazy coon-asses have to offer, so they will be able to adjust their protections and calls before the game even begins based upon what they saw and heard in December.

If you thought that the 1985 Bears were the first team to make a music single, you'd be wrong. That distinction went to Jimmy "Spiderman" Allen and the 1980 Detroit Lions. And if you thought that Ndamukong Suh's kick was violent, it doesn't even hold a candle to Billy Sims "karate" kick back in 1983.

Sunday
Falcons vs. Giants (Falcons, road, +3) I know they are at home and outdoors, but I just don't trust that New York is a good football team. They can't run the ball, they can't stop the run, and they can't cover. While they should be able to move the ball in the air against Atlanta, the Falcons have a much more balanced attack and should win this game assuming they don't fall in love with the pass and abandon the run, as they've had a tendency to due at times this season.
Steelers vs. Broncos (Steelers, road, -9) Tim Tebow has never had sex with a girl, Ben Roethlisberger has sex with women even when they don't want to have sex with him. I don't expect Denver to be able to move the ball against the Steelers defense, and while Pittsburgh's offense has also struggled to score points of late, something tells me that when Big Ben wants something, Big Ben gets it...

I'm just hoping that Ben Roethlisberger wants this game and not Tim Tebow's mom.

National Championship Game

Alabama vs. LSU (LSU, -1) Honestly? the National Championship comes down to a rematch of what was a boring game between two teams from the same division in the same conference? While the Crimson Tide COULD be the second best team in the country, giving them a rematch against the Tigers is kind of like letting a girl going back to her abusive ex-boyfriend...you know she's going to get beat, it's just a matter of how.

I've never quite understood why dudes in the South wear coats and ties to football games. We all know that they don't have real jobs, so it's not like they're coming from a business meeting or anything important. Plus, the guy in white appears to be crying...ROLL DAMN TEARS!!!

NFL Picks - Week 17: Because the same people who are in charge of the BCS also get to pick players for the Pro Bowl

2011-12-30T17:28:00.000-08:00

Week 16 NFL Picks: 6-9-1
NFL results season to date: 111-114-11

College Football results season to date: 29-27-2

Week 17 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

Sunday
Lions vs. Packers (Lions, road, -3) Is there a team that got disrespected more than Detroit in the Pro Bowl vote? In spite of having the highest scoring defense and one of the most prolific offenses in the league, Calvin Johnson was the only player on their roster named to the Pro Bowl. Even though Mathew Stafford is one of the top five quarterbacks in the NFL, he was sixth in the pecking order of NFC Pro Bowl quarterbacks behind Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Eli Manning, Cam Newton and Tony Romo. While nobody will argue that Aaron Rodgers and Drew Brees aren't the two best quarterbacks in football right now, let's look at how Stafford matches up with the others:

-Eli Manning: Stafford leads Manning in wins (10 to 8), QB rating (96.6 to 90.3), touchdowns (36 to 26) and interceptions (14 to16). The only significant category that Manning leads Stafford in is yards, and that lead is only by 87 yards;
-Cam Newton: Stafford has Newton in wins (10 to 5), head to head, QB rating (96.6 to 85), touchdowns (36 to 20), interceptions (14 to 16) and passing yards (4518 to 3893). Newton leads Stafford in rushing TD's (14 to 0) and rushing yards (674 to 78).
-Tony Romo: Stafford leads Romo in wins (10 to 8), head to head, touchdowns (36 to 29). Romo leads in passer rating (102.2 to 96.6) and interceptions (9 to 14). It should be noted that Romo has single handedly cost the Cowboys wins against the Jets and Lions due to inexplicable interceptions.

I guess the same people who are in charge of the BCS also get to pick players for the Pro Bowl. Look for the Lions to roll in order to preserve the top Wildcard seed while Green Bay rests their key players heading into the Playoffs.
Colts vs. Jaguars (Jaguars, home, +4) Indianapolis desperately needs to lose this game to have a shot at drafting Andrew Luck. Throw in third string QB (and current Colts starter) Dan Orlovsky's wife giving birth to triplets this week, and I think we have as done of a deal for Jacksonville as you can get with Blaine Gabbert as their starting quarterback.
Jets vs. Dolphins (Jets, road, +1.5) This game is the equivalent of a technical foul shot at the end of regulation and the game on the line for Marc Sanchez and New York. With Miami's season already over, there should be little opposition from the Dolphins for the Jets. It's just a matter of whether or not Sanchez can overcome the pressure and make a wide open shot their season on the line.
Bears vs. Vikings (Bears, road, +1) God, which quarterback is worse, Christian Ponder or Josh McCown? Unless Minnesota does the smart thing and plays Joe Webb, I'm going to take the Bears and the point since they have a much stronger defense than the Vikings do.
Pigskins vs. Eagles (Pigskins, road, +9) Would you give up 9 points with the Eagles this season in a meaningless game?
Panthers vs. Saints (Saints, home, -8) Carolina has done well getting points this year, while New Orleans should not be bet against at home. Since this game means more to the Saints than it does to the Panthers in terms of their playoff seed, I'll go with New Orleans giving up the points at home.
49ers vs. Rams (49ers, road, -11) The Rams only option at this point on offense is running the ball, and stopping the run is what San Francisco specializes in. The 49ers are in the hunt for a first round bye, so expect little mercy for the Rams in this game.
Titans vs. Texans (Titans, road, -3) Aside from momentum, Houston has noting to play for with their playoff seed already set, while Tennessee still has an outside shot of making it in.
Bills vs. Patriots (Patriots, home, -11) With New England playing for home field advantage in the Playoffs, a talent deficient and injury ravaged Buffalo team stands very little chance in this game.
Buccaneers vs. Falcons (Falcons, home, -11.5) Raheem Morris says he won't fire himself, but his Tampa Bay team has long since quit on him. Atlanta couldn't get a better match-up...assuming that Detroit loses to Green Bay and the 5th NFC Playoff seed is still up for grabs.
Ravens vs. Bengals (Ravens, road, -3) Cincinnati has exceeded all expectations this year. In fact, it's a disgrace that their fans have not embraced them in their Playoff run. Unfortunately, I just don't think they have it in them this season to defeat Baltimore in a game that is also meaningful for the Ravens in terms of Playoff position.
Seahawks vs. Cardinals (Seahawks, road, +3) As the Playoff picture unfolded, this game means absolutely nothing. With all else equal, I'll take the points.
Chiefs vs. Broncos (Broncos, home, -3.5) While I want to pick Kyle Orton to derail Denver's Playoff hopes, the Chiefs have struggled recently when playing in Denver. And aside from Orton, nobody on Kansas City has anything to play for.
Chargers vs. Raiders (Raiders, home, -3) While Oakland remains in the Playoff hunt, I can't see San Diego showing up for this game as their front office and coaching staff gets ready to roll. On the other hand, how much is one player worth for the Raiders? Al Davis inexplicably failed to match the $12 million a season that Nnamdi Asomugha received from the Eagles. In their game against Detroit the Raiders let the Lions come back from a 13 point deficit on their final two drives of the game, in large part due to poor coverage where Calvin Johnson was inexplicably allowed to get behind their secondary. Now they are tie-breaker behind the Broncos for the AFC West division title heading into the final game of the season. I'm thinking that they are second guessing re-signing Stanford Routt for almost $11 million a year and letting Asomugha walk.
Steelers vs. Browns (Steelers, road, -7) As it stands, Pittsburgh has to play this game to win. That's bad news for the Browns and Colt McCoy's brain.
Cowboys vs. Giants (Giants, home, -3) I'm not sure which quarterback is going to give this game away first, but my money is on Tony Romo.

College Football's Top Bowl Games:

OUTBACK BOWL: Georgia vs. Michigan State (Michigan State, +3.5) This is one of the better match-ups on paper of the bowl season. Both have top 5 defenses in the nation. Both run pro-style offenses with quarterbacks that will play in the NFL. Both finished second in a power conference with identical records. Common perception about the B1G be damned, the Spartans are just a little bit more athletic and explosive offensively than the Bulldogs. The Spartans win this one.

Whether you're an environmentalist or not, I'm pretty sure this Michigan State Cheerleader could convince you to "Go Green!"

CAPITAL ONE BOWL: Nebraska vs. South Carolina (South Carolina, -3) The Cornhuskers are just a little too one dimensional on offense to score against the Gamecock defense. While Nebraska's "black-shirt" defense has had a few shutdown games this season, the more likely scenario has them giving up a butt-load of points.

What girl wouldn't be happy to have big "Cocks" in her hands like this South Carolina Cheerleader?

COTTON BOWL: Arkansas vs. Kansas State (Kansas State, +8) This should be a good game. Kansas State only lost the the Oklahoma's, while Arkansas only lost to LSU and Alabama. Kansas State has the offense to keep up with the Razorbacks and keep this game close.

Arkansas Cheerleader: Apparently this is socially acceptable in Arkansas. However, if he was a black guy...

ORANGE BOWL: West Virginia vs. Clemson (West Virginia, +3) If there was a game to serve as a poster child for the Big East and the ACC to lose their automatic bids for the BCS, this would be it.

West Virginia Cheerleader: Some things in West Virginia never change...like hairstyles.

FIESTA BOWL: Oklahoma State vs. Stanford (Oklahoma State, -4) To me, this game is much more compelling than the LSU-Alabama National Championship Game. With only one loss to a national power, Stanford definitely deserved the right to lose to LSU on the road, and while Oklahoma State blew their chance for a National Championship by losing to Iowa State, they just might be the best team in the country this year.

Oklahoma State Cheerleader: Honestly, this duo is only slightly less disturbing than Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson.

ROSE BOWL: Wisconsin vs. Oregon (Wisconsin, +6) These two teams are going to score some points. If either one is capable of stopping the other, I think it will be the Badgers stopping the Ducks. Wisconsin running back Montee Ball was all but left out of the Heisman Trophy consideration in spite of being on the verge of breaking Barry Sanders' single season touchdown record and having one of the best three seasons in NCAA history along with Sanders and Tim Tebow.

These two Oregon Cheerleaders have it all wrong, he's supposed to be pushing down on her head...then again, he's gay.

SUGAR BOWL: Virginia Tech vs. Michigan I refuse to acknowledge that this loose stool of a bowl game even exists. The Hokies couldn't win a brutal ACC that didn't even have a single good team in it this year, while the Wolverines finished a distant second - not the Big Ten - but in the Big Ten Leaders Division. Somehow having the same overall regular season record as Michigan State and getting their asses kicked by Sparty in their head-to-head match-up propelled the Wolverines to a BCS bid when the Spartans missed out on the Rose Bowl because of a questionable roughing the kicker call that cost them the ball on the 1-yard line for the go-ahead score with less than a minute left in the B1G Championship Game. Not only is the football going to be bad at the Sugar Bowl, but one of the great things about having sporting events in New Orleans are the college co-eds showing off their boobs on Bourbon Street, and the BCS is even wasting that on fat chicks from the University of Michigan and bullet bait from Virginia Tech.

University of Michigan girls: I'm fine with naked girls crying, but not when they're ugly.

Blogging Survivor: South Pacific: "Don't be pissing down my back and tell me that it's raining"

2011-12-22T12:24:00.001-08:00

After making the stupidest move in Survivor history in which he gave away his Immunity Necklace immediately before getting voted out, Russell's Nephew refused to admit his mistake and instead blamed Albert for not giving it back to him. "I made a commitment to Albert. I forgive him, I love him. I hope he learns from what he's done."

Personally, I'm not exactly sure what Albert did wrong for Russell's Nephew to forgive. Giving Albert an Immunity Necklace when he was almost certain to get voted out and then expecting him to give it back is kind of like lending Chaz Bono and condom and then asking him to return it unused...okay, bad example, but you get where I'm going with it.

Upon hearing how Russell's Nephew got voted out, Ozzy was less than sympathetic. "He wasn't blind-sided, he gave up the freakin' Immunity Necklace. Whenever you give up the Immunity Idol, you're going home...(Russell's Nephew) is playing this game like he's playing with God, but he's not. He's playing with human beings who are greedy and want that money."

Coach took things a little more personally. "I'm sick of people coming out here and trying to look holier than thou and have people bully me...When people bully me, you're cut off. I've been made a fool of in my life enough over this game."

The Redemption Duel consisted of Ozzy and Russell's Nephew climbing a pole and trying to hang on the longest. Both had extensive training for the contest. Ozzy's tree climbing in the jungle, and Brandon's pole grabbing in jail. Ultimately Russell's Nephew's grip wasn't strong enough, and Ozzy outlasted him and sent him to the Jury.

The Immunity Challenge involved holding a rope to balance a tray, and then building a house of cards to a specific height on that tray the fastest. When Jeff asked whether any of the competitors liked to build houses of cards for fun, Sophie eagerly responded by saying, "I do, I have a book on how to build them," which instantaneously lowered the cool factor for any guy who has dated or will date her in the future.

While most college age girls spend their time playing beer pong, experimenting with their sexuality or both, Sophie's lame hobby seemingly gave her a huge advantage. However, she initially built her house too strong and ended up running out of cards before reaching the top.

Forced to start over, Sophie knocked her cards over, causing her inner bitchiness to come out when she demanded, "Albert, drop your stack and pick up my damn pieces! I'm going to beat you!" In the end, Sophie should have spent more time in college exposing her side-boob and less time on old fashioned games and puzzles, as Ozzy was able to defeat her at her own game to win Immunity.

I'm calling for Mose from Amish in the City to make an appearance on Survivor. However, Sophie will be sad to see that while Mose has left the Amish way of life, he married a city girl who likes to play with his "beano stick."

An increasingly cocky Coach proclaimed that it was his game to lose. He discussed the possibility of voting out Rick with Albert. Rightfully so, Rick was skeptical of Coach's integrity. "Coach is really good about skirting the truth. You've really got to listen to his words, he's kind of like an attorney." Trying to stir up tension within the Upolu Alliance, Ozzy told Albert about Coach's promise to take him to the end in a secret alliance "as a Christian man."

At Tribal Council, Ozzy took things further and outed Coach to the entire tribe for trying to make a deal with him after Coach began talking about his tribe as "family." When Sophie accused Ozzy of being disrespectful towards her by not talking to her, he told her that she was a "freaking brat" and "pretentious." Showing her strong feminine side, Sophie then broke down in tears and bawled for the rest of Tribal Council.

Ultimately Coach got his way and the tribe voted out Rick. However, when Coach got up to shake his hand Rick snarled, "Go have a seat...Go have a seat, man. Go have a seat." He explained his hostility. "All that honesty, integrity and all that, and Coach stood up, 'oh, don't be that way.' It's like, sit down. Don't be pissing down my back and telling me that it's raining."

Following Tribal Council, Coach confronted Ozzy about outing their secret alliance. Ozzy responded by telling him how he had been burned in the game in the past by trusting people and that "I felt like I couldn't trust you yesterday." Coach, having also been burned by trusting too many men in his past was obviously moved. "When I saw that in Ozzy, my heart broke for him," and when all was said and done the two reaffirmed their plan to take each other to the end.

The final Immunity Challenge required the contestants to navigate an obstacle course and grab five bags with puzzle pieces and then solve that puzzle. Coming off of her embarrassing upset while trying to build her house of cards, Sophie redeemed herself and won immunity.
While Coach and Ozzy had discussed deadlocking their vote and sending Albert and Sophie to build fire to break that tie at Tribal Council, Sophie's win made Ozzy the logical target for eviction since Coach still had a hidden Immunity Idol.

Ozzy pressed Coach to adhere to their agreement to take each other to the end, but Coach was torn. "You know what I'm battling against, I'm battling against my word (referring to his alliance with Albert and Sophie)," which caused Ozzy to exclaim, "You gave me your word...as a Christian man."

At Tribal Council Ozzy reminded Coach of his word, and asked him to consider splitting the vote so he and Albert would end up tied and compete to build fire in order to stay in the game. This caused Albert to say, "I know how to make fire, but that's like saying I know how to drive and expecting me to beat Jeff Gordon in a race."

In the end, Coach broke his word to Ozzy (but kept his pledge to Albert and Sophie) and voted Ozzy out, who left to applause from the Jury. "The Jury clapped for me. That was such an awesome feeling." That left Coach, Albert and Sophie as the final three competing for the $1,000,000 grand prize before the Jury.

At the final Tribal Council, Albert, who was convinced that he had played the best overall game of the final three, emphasized his social game play in his speech to the jury.

Sophie noted her strong physical game and how she dominated several challenges, as well as her strategy and honesty in picking one alliance and sticking with it to the end.

Coach stressed his leadership, claiming that he lead with "compassion, love and appreciation" instead of being "self righteous and arrogant" as he had been during his two earlier appearances on Survivor.

After calling Sophie a privileged and pretentious brat, and saying that Albert did nothing in the game except be in the right place at the right time, Ozzy gave Coach a chance to win his vote by asking him if he thought that he compromised his word. Coach agreed, saying that he had overextended his promises, which caused him to come to several crossroads in the game in which he was forced to be dishonorable.

Jim asked Albert to explain why Coach and Sophie did not deserve to win, but warned him not to start with a compliment. Apparently trying to lose the game, Albert began by saying, "Great question, I love your approach to the game," before ultimately saying that Coach was not a leader as he claimed to be, and that he was instead carried to the end by his tribe.

Dawn asked Sophie something about being the only woman...but I honestly stopped listening to her question about three words in.

After scolding Coach when he got voted out, Rick pressed Sophie about lying to him as well. Sophie tried to justify her deceit by saying that she only lied when she "felt like it was justified to get to the end," which was pretty much the entire game as Rick had implied.

Russell's Nephew, who was betrayed by his religious mentor, asked Coach if he had anything to say to him. Coach answered cryptically by saying, "I know you were hurt, and I want to make it up to you." Russell's Nephew also asked Albert for a "yes or no" answer on whether or not Albert knew that he was going to get voted out. Albert continued to botch his questions in front of the Jury by trying to answer with an explanation four times before he finally answered with a "no."

Whitney added little to the Jury debate, calling Albert "sleazy," accusing Coach of using his religion to manipulate the game, and calling Sophie "condescending."

Edna followed Whitney's comment up by noting how religion has historically been the most successful way of manipulating people, and she congratulated Coach on duping everyone.

Keith's question concerned Coach's use of the Immunity Idol, but Coach got hijacked on the question when Sophie blurted out how Coach had initially found the Idol and concealed it from Russell's Nephew, who looked at him like a confused puppy who had just been kicked by his master.

Cochran used his Jury question to talk about his experience as a child with The Second Mile. "I did 'Coach-Chi' with you with only my underpants on and a sweater vest. You say the word honor so frequently, it really means nothing to me."

Back at the live finale, where everyone strangely always looks much worse after they've been allowed to bathe and groom themselves (except Cowboy Rick, who looked exactly the same), Coach and Sophie sat with the Chinese dude who was re-cast as Albert to wait for the final vote.

While Brandon got confused and voted for Mikayla, Coach's numerous betrayals ultimately did him in and Sophie was voted winner of Survivor: South Pacific despite her inferior strategic game play.

After Sophie was announced as the winner, Jeff asked the Jury how Coach would have fared had he taken Rick with him to the end instead. When the Jury overwhelmingly indicated that they would have voted for Coach in that scenario, Coach made a face like he had just crapped himself...probably because he did.

Survivor aficionado and historian Cochran admitted to Jeff that he had overestimated his game play until he returned home and Googled himself on the internet. "When I go on the internet like an obsessive freak, everyone hates me." Not surprisingly, he also announced that he's still single.

While Brandon stressed that he was proud of the way he played the game, he acknowledged that upon returning home he was not welcomed or even accepted by his family. "I don't think anyone from my family is really proud of me."

Only on the "mean streets" of Katy, TX do two guys, a dog and a .22 constitute being in a "gang." I'm just disappointed that the old guy in the camouflauge vest didn't have Brandon Hantz's back the time he got jumped by that possum for wearing dayglow orange.

To rub salt in his wounds, Jeff had Russell in the live studio audience, who was eager to offer his analysis of his nephew's game strategy. "I think he went out to change what I did...I made greatness." When asked what Brandon did wrong, Russell snarked, "He didn't do one thing right...he didn't live up to the Hantz family name," which anyone aside from Brandon would probably take as a compliment.

In the end, fan favorite Ozzy was announced as the winner of the Audience Vote for $100,000. It was also revealed that Keith and aspiring country music singer Whitney were now dating, which earns them the Nashville appropriate couple name of 'Keith-Whitney."

With Sophie becoming yet another in a long line of undeserving Survivor winners, I have a theory on how to remedy the problem of the best players getting voted out of the game early. I think that a future "twist" should involve a "reverse merge," with the game starting with only one tribe, and a second tribe being built from the members of the original tribe who had been voted out. This would force the original tribe to vote out it's weakest members out of fear of giving the rival tribe an advantage when it comes to strength.

NFL Picks - Week 16: Because in the end, the ghost of Wayne Fontes is returning to Detroit...only this time he's white and has really bad acne scars.

2011-12-21T23:21:00.000-08:00

Week 15 NFL Picks: 8-6-2
NFL results season to date: 105-105-2

College Football results season to date: 29-27-2

Week 16 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

Thursday
Texans vs. Colts (Texans, road, -6.5) Indianapolis didn't come close to stopping Arian Foster last year. They couldn't stop Ben Tate earlier this season. With the Texans playing conservative behind T.J. Yates and the Colts defense even worse off now due to injuries, I don't see anything changing.

Saturday
Raiders vs. Chiefs (Chiefs, home, -1) Oakland absolutely needs to win this game to remain the the playoff hunt. In an AFC West where mediocrity is mandatory, that pretty much means that they are guaranteed to lose.
Broncos vs. Bills (Broncos, road, -3) Tim Tebow and Denver travel to Hell this week in order to take on Buffalo and whoever they have left who isn't injured.
Jaguars vs. Titans (Titans, home, -7) If Tennessee wants to make a push at the final Wildcard spot, I'm not so sure that Jake Locker isn't the better option at quarterback right now over Matt Hasselbeck. As a side note, I can't wait to see the prices in the Jacksonville area fake mustache market bottom-out when new owner Shahid Khan moves the Jaguars to Los Angeles. If Jaguar fans think a $25 million dollar penalty clause in his purchase contract is going to prevent him from moving the team from the worst market in the NFL to what would be by far the largest market, they might as well start praying for Tim Tebow right now...I heard that paper mill just outside of town is hiring.

The Shahid Khan inspired "Jag-Stache" is one of the few things that the Jacksonville fanbase has going for them right now.

Cardinals vs. Bengals (Cardinals, road, +4.5) Arizona, lead by their defense, has been quietly playing the best football in the NFC West over the past month. Granted, that's kind of like saying that Lindsey Lohan is the best actress in her community service class, but at least it's a start. Look for the Cardinals to hang around in a low scoring game with a very similar Cincinnati team.
Dolphins vs. Patriots (Patriots, home, -10) Miami's defense has been playing well enough that they actually might have a decent shot at slowing down New England's offense. I'm not saying that they will, but at least they have a chance.
Browns vs. Ravens (Browns, road, +13.5) Cleveland hasn't exactly been lighting up the scoreboard behind Colt McCoy and their West Coast Offense, but they've been hanging close with some tough teams. Baltimore won the first match-up in Cleveland by 14 points, but if the Browns can slow down Ray Rice they should be able to keep things within two scores.
Giants vs. Jets (Giants, road, +3) I'm not even sure how the New York dynamic works for these two teams. If I hate the Yankees, which of these two teams should I hate, the Jets or the Giants? Season ticket holders aside, this is essentially a road game at home for the Giants since they don't have to travel. With two evenly matched teams both fighting for a Playoff spot, I'll take the better quarterback in Eli Manning and the 3 points.
Vikings vs. Redskins (Vikings, road, +6.5) Minnesota is really not all that awful for a team that only has two wins. Sadly, if Washington had stuck with Rex Grossman and just accepted his crappy games every other week, the Pigskins would be close to .500 and still be in the hunt for the NFC Division title.
Buccaneers vs. Panthers (Panthers, home, +7.5) Tampa Bay is the one team that you can't gamble on under any circumstance this season, while Carolina behind Cam Newton is one of the teams that you don't want to bet against.
Rams vs. Steelers (Steelers, home, -13) Even if Pittsburgh elects to go with Charlie Batch at quarterback, they still have better talent across the board than St. Louis. Not only that, but they have far superior coaching as well.
Chargers vs. Lions (Chargers, road, +2.5) With a big running back, a versatile running back and a vertical passing game, San Diego seems like a match-up nightmare for a Detroit defense that has at least eight key players who will be out or limited due to injuries this week. Then again, Detroit should have a field day with their front seven going against an injury ravaged offensive line. In the end, the ghost of Wayne Fontes is returning to Detroit...only this time he's white and has really bad acne scars.
49ers vs. Seahawks (49ers, road, -2) San Francisco still isn't getting any respect when it comes to the gambling lines. While the 49ers are not flashy, they are a solid team that stops the run and doesn't make mistakes That translates to easy money in a gambling world that is influenced by big names and bright lights. If they can shut down Marshawn Lynch and hold on to the ball, look for San Francisco to cover.

R.I.P. coach Fontes...

Cowboys vs. Eagles (Dallas, home, -1.5) People are once again talking about Philadelphia having an outside shot at running the table and winning the NFC East. I can assure you that this Eagles team has not changed much from the start of the season and their track record speaks for itself. Sure they have plenty of talent at their skill positions, but the Eagles are a team that is incapable of putting together a significant winning streak given their glaring holes at linebacker and offensive line. Even though this game means very little for Dallas since they still have to beat the Giants next week regardless of what they do against the Eagles in order to make the Playoffs, the Eagles will take themselves out of the Playoff race this week...as if they haven't done so already.

Sunday
Bears vs. Packers (Packers, home, -13) Chicago has finally come to the conclusion that Caleb Hanie was not capable of holding down the ship while Jay Cutler is out due to injury. With Mike Martz unwilling to adapt his complex offense even in the event of an injury to his starter, I highly doubt that Josh McCown will fare much better with only six weeks on the roster in which to get up to speed...especially with the Bears traveling to Green Bay.

Monday
Falcons vs. Saints (Falcons, road, +7) Superdome or not, prime time or not, these New Orleans and Atlanta are too evenly matched to lay seven points.

Blogging Survivor: South Pacific - "I'm at peace with that. I'm pissed, but I'm at peace with that"

2011-12-18T14:56:00.000-08:00

As the Upolu Five returned back to camp, Russell's Nephew took time to pay his respects to the one who got them this far. "The first thing we need to do is give thanks to the person who did this for us." To my surprise he wasn't talking about Cochran, but he instead lead a tribe prayer.

An increasingly cocky Albert began to target Sophie, who to this point had been his closest ally. "I'm in a good position to pull off what I think will be the biggest blindside in the game so far."

Personally, I'm not exactly sure how voting out the fat girl that everyone was indifferent about and losing your own numbers constitutes "the biggest blindside in the game," but Albert seemed pretty confident that Coach was going to take him to the end. Then again, so did Rick, and Russell's Nephew and Sophie.

The Redemption Duel between Ozzy and Edna consisted of completing a slide puzzle and then a puzzle cube. In spite of receiving help on how to correctly solve her puzzle cube from the entire Upolu Tribe, Ozzy ended up defeating Edna, who was eliminated as he stayed in the game at Redemption Island.

Back at camp Albert continued on with his big plans to make a major move at least one week too late. "The five of us when we got together way back when on Upolu beach, we talked about 'honor and integrity' all the way. The interesting thing is, in the game of Survivor, I don't care a single thing about 'honor and integrity.'"

Albert pushed his idea to Coach, who wasn't having it. "He's got a thing about Sophie. I think it's because she's smarter than Albert. She's speaking up in Tribal...She's not the quiet little mouse he thought she was." In the mean time, Sophie warned Coach about the dangers of taking Ozzy to the end given that he has fed and comforted every jury member on their way out of the game on Redemption Island, making him very likable.

Coach continued to push Russell's Nephew away following his dad's visit at a "loved one" reward last week, who obviously gave him PTSD flashbacks of getting pushed around by the original Russell. When Russell's Nephew approached Coach and Albert to question their conversation, Coach flipped out. "C'mon man, don't sound like Russell. I don't want you to come in here and try to bully us, man. Seriously, you've turned into a bully."

For whatever reason, Coach's lecture struck a nerve with Russell's Nephew. "That definitely hurt my feelings, what you just said bro...I don't feel like I've acted like Russell." But by that point the damage had been done in Coach's eyes. "(Russell's Nephew) really pissed me off. I think Mr. Hantz came in and gave him a shot of 'the Hantz, and all of a sudden (Russell's Nephew) comes bullying up to us and is like what are you guys talking about?"

Coach went on to say, "The apple never falls far from the tree, and meeting his father is confirmation as to what these last couple of days I need to do for my next move." On the other hand, Russell's Nephew sensed that he was no longer in Coach's good graces, as he said, "Chill out man, God's got everything under control."

The Immunity Challenge consisted of climbing a wall to retrieve bags full of pieces, and then using those pieces to solve a puzzle. Russell's Nephew won Immunity and a pizza party, to which he invited Cowboy Rick instead of Coach.

Coach, who narrowly lost to Russell's Nephew, lamented losing the opportunity to vote him off. "I believe in divine intervention. It was not (Russell's Nephew's) time to go home tonight. He saved his own skin by winning Immunity, and I'm at peace with that. I'm pissed, but I'm at peace with that."

As Sophie approached Russell's Nephew and Cowboy Rick to "smell their pizza," she informed them that she planned to vote against Albert. As Albert's promises to multiple people that they'd go to the end together quickly became more exposed than a shot of Sophie's sideboob, his house of cards began to fall.

Russell's Nephew, who was convinced that he and Albert had formed a special bond, began to question that relationship. "You got a lot of people who don't know how to tell the truth, and I'm talking specifically about Albert." Holding true to his fashion, Russell's Nephew then confronted Albert in front of the whole tribe, and exposed him as a fraud at a critical time when the five remaining Upolu Alliance members were trying to decide who would be the next to go.

Just when it seemed that the decision of who would be voted out next had made itself, Russell's Nephew began to have a change of heart when Albert approached him in a last ditch attempt to try to mend fences. "If I can just draw Brandon back over with me, I think I'm back where I need to be." "Who am I not to forgive, I am an imperfect person...Everyone has lied in this game, including myself," said Russell's Nephew as he reflected on his religion.

After Albert continued to pull at Russell's Nephew's emotions and religious beliefs by saying, "I just don't want you to close your heart on me..you're making me look like a bad dude," Brandon changed his mind on the spot and smiled as he said, "I'm not voting you." He went on to explain that he believed Albert truly deserved to remain in the game.

Russell's Nephew then truly went "Pequeno Loco," and did the unthinkable and offered Albert his Immunity Necklace to show Albert that he still has his back...after Albert lied to HIM!! "If I have to, I'll give you my Immunity Necklace...Coach will not vote for me, Albert will not vote for me, and I'll vote for Sophie."

When Russell's Nephew approached Coach about his idea, he received no guarantees about his own safety if he were to give away the Immunity Necklace. "I honestly believe that this is what God wants us to do," explained Russell's Nephew. However, Coach interrupted and said, "This is what God wants you to do. What I need to do right now, is I need to pray. And I promise you this, I will do whatever God tells me to do." A nervous Russell's Nephew responded by saying, "I understand you gotta do what God wants you to do, I but I know he doesn't want you to write my name down."

At Tribal Council, Jeff Probst's eyes bugged and his jaw nearly dropped to the floor when Russell's Nephew immediately announced that he was giving his Immunity Necklace to Albert. "It's really hard to explain, because my loyalties are a little bit different."

Russell's Nephew explained that, "Back home when I was in ~~the hole~~ the whole gang scene..A lot of my friends would be, 'bro, I've got your back I got your back,' and I was really willing to give my life to these guys," but when it was time "to brawl," he would be left hanging and his friends wouldn't show.

When Jeff to sarcastically commented, "So it really wasn't a gang," Russell's Nephew acknowledged that "it was people taking my loyalty for what they wanted to use it for, and then leaving me."

Jeff got in one more good blast when he asked, "Is there any chance that's happening tonight?" Russell's Nephew admitted that he did not feel at peace with his decision since "Coach is going to do what God wants him to do, and if God wants him to vote me out, I believe he would," which is pretty much his way of saying that he got played like a bitch without having to admit it or give Coach any credit.

The deal was all but sealed when Jeff asked Albert if he was willing to give the Immunity Necklace back to Russell's Nephew, and he responded by saying, "I hope (he) feels comfortable enough with me, him and Coach, knowing that he can make a move like this and go untouched...so I'm not giving him the necklace back."

Sure enough, Coach took Russell's Nephew's decision to give his Immunity Necklace away as an opportunity to vote him out to Redemption Island, but not before he belittled him even further by telling him, "It's God's will, go win Redemption."

Ranking the Survivors:

6. Russell's Nephew - Move over Eric, we have a new winner for the Stupidist Use of Immunity in Survivor History!

I hope you all enjoyed the religious Brandon Hantz, because his did is going to beat the ever loving Bejesus out of him when he gets back home.

5. Ozzy - Ozzy is still off in his parrell universe on Redemption Island, which Sophie called "Ozzy's Pleasure Dome" in reference to how he's wining and dining his competitors before he beats them in the Redemption Duel and sends them to the jury in his good graces.
4. Albert - There's a special place in Hell for the guy who takes advantage of the retarded kid and takes his lunch money or makes him sit in the giant puddle at the end of the 6th grade long jump pit...not that I'm speaking from personal experience or anything.
3. Sophie - Sophie's comment about getting rid of Albert ended up coming back to haunt her when Russell's Nephew inexplicably gave him his Immunity Necklace, saving Albert from a sure banishment to Redemption Island. "It's gratifying seeing Albert get exposed, because instead of a blindside, he gets to go out looking even more pathetic than he has so far...It's like he's in the toilet bowl, and now (Russell's Nephew) Coach, and I, and Rich have a chance at flushing him down, he keeps scrambling back up, but I think Jeff will have the final flush tonight"
2. Rick - Now that Russell's Nephew is almost gone, I guess Albert said it best. "If I was voting people off based on how much i liked them, Rich would be the first person to go...Rick is the least dangerous player in the game...He hasn't done anything strategically...He hasn't done anything to win a challenge...Coach has been the cult leader, Rich has been the follower."
1. Coach - I love how Coach wanted to vote Russell's Nephew out, but said he needed to pray to see what God wanted him to do. In the miracle of all miracles, God told Coach exactly what he wanted to hear. "There was a name in my head over, and over, and over again. I cleaned the slate and I asked for it again, and it came up over, and over, and over again. My soul has never breathed like it does in this moment." I think it's safe to say that this whole season of Survivor has consisted of a bunch of pricks doing whatever the hell they like, but then wiping their hands clean of any wrongdoing under the cloak of their religion...kind of like Chick-fil-A does.

NFL Picks - Week 15: Because Tim Tebow will be forced to throw the ball, and that's a miracle that even baby Jesus can't help him with.

2011-12-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

Week 14 NFL Picks: 8-8
NFL results season to date: 97-99-8

College Football results season to date: 29-27-2

Week 15 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

Thursday
Jaguars vs. Falcons (Falcons, home, -11.5) Atlanta is back at home with a Wildcard birth on the line, while Jacksonville's ownership quit twice on their team this year. First by releasing David Garrard and forcing Jack Del Rio to play rookie QB Blaine Gabbert, and then by firing Del Rio midway through the season. Look for the Falcons to run early in order to set up deep passes to Roddy White and Julio Jones.

Saturday
Cowboys vs. Buccaneers (Cowboys, road, -7) The only question in this game is whether Tony Romo will find a way to choke a game away to a Tampa Bay team that has clearly quit on its season. Look for Buccaneer coach Raheem Morris to be fired as soon as the season ends.

Sunday
Pigskins vs. Giants (Giants, home, -7) With Eli Manning is quietly having the best year of his career, New York is now back in the Playoff race after defeating Dallas last week. With RB Ahmad Bradshaw returning to health to take some pressure off of Manning and Prince Amukamara adding some reinforcement to their secondary, a home game against Washington is one that the Giants should win handily.
Saints vs. Vikings (Saints, road, -7) Minnesota will get some much needed help with the return of Adrian Peterson. AP will take some pressure off of rookie QB Christian Ponder, who turned the ball over 5 times last week in just over a half against the Lions. Unfortunately, this will not be a good week for the Vikings to play conservative football, as New Orleans comes to town looking to exploit their injury depleted secondary through their record setting pace passing game.
Packers vs. Chiefs (Packers, road, -14.5) Green Bay not only comes into this game on a roll, but they get to take advantage of a Kansas City organization that fired coach Jack Haley mid-week. While Haley is not without blame in terms of his play calling and the way he handled his players, Scott Pioli needs to be questioned for assembling a roster that didn't have any depth to overcome several key injuries. Specifically, not having an NFL caliber back-up quarterback is inexcusable.
Bears vs. Seahawks (Seahawks, road, +3.5) As strange as it may sound, the battle between Caleb Hanie and Tarvaris Jackson could have huge implications on the NFC Wildcard. At this point Seattle has a slightly better situation at QB and RB than the Bears do because of the injuries suffered by Jay Cutler and Matt Forte. This game should be a defensive struggle that comes down to a battle of field position. My guess is that it's decided by a field goal, with Devin Hester and Leon Washington being the deciding factors on special teams.
Dolphins vs. Bills (Bills, home, -1) With Matt Moore expected to start at QB for Miami, I give them the advantage over Buffalo. That's right, I'm entirely basing my pick on this game based upon whether or not Matt Moore plays...which is kind of like picking one movie over another because Nicholas Cage is starring in it.
Panthers vs. Texans (Panthers, road, +6.5) With Carolina having no run defense, and Cam Newton putting up points no matter what defense he plays against, this game could become a shoot-out. With Houston having already clinched a Playoff berth, I will continue to take the Panthers and any points that they are handed.
Titans vs. Colts (Titans, road, -6.5) At least Chris Johnson is starting to develop a pattern...he only plays well against crappy defenses. Defenses don't get much crappier than Indianapolis'.
Bengals vs. Rams (Bengals, road, -7) Cincinnati is coming off of a rough schedule where they faced a string of tough defenses. Look for them to take out some pent up frustration out against a St. Louis team that is stopping absolutely nobody. With the Rams practically unable to score under Josh McDaniels' offense, and Sam Bradford dinged up as well, I look for the Bengals to win convincingly.
Lions vs. Raiders (Lions, road, -1) Traveling across country to play Oakland on the road is never an easy task. However, Carson Palmer and the Raiders have been hemorrhaging turnovers lately, and Detroit leads the league in defensive scores.
Patriots vs. Broncos (Patriots, road, -7) No matter how good the Denver defense has been playing lately, I'm pretty sure that New England will score enough points that Tim Tebow will be forced to throw the ball. That's a miracle that not even baby Jesus can help him with.

Tim Tebow might be taking this religious thing a little too far...

Jets vs. Eagles (Jets, road, +3) I just don't trust Michael Vick and DeSean Jackson against New York's secondary, even though they are playing in Philadelphia.
Browns vs. Cardinals (Cardinals, home, -7) Arizona is on a mini-streak of late, and given a favorable schedule, they still have an outside shot at a Wildcard. Playing Cleveland at home should be another victory for the Cardinals, although I'm not convinced that Seneca Wallace playing QB for the Browns in place of an injured Colt McCoy is a bad thing.
Ravens vs. Chargers (Chargers, home, +3) On one hand I want to stay clear of San Diego given their abysmal season, but history tells me that they are putting together their classic December winning streak where they finish 9-7 and do just enough for Norv Turner and A.J. Smith to save their jobs. I'll go with history and take the 3 points at home in a prime time game against a Baltimore team that has had some questionable losses this season.

Monday
Steelers vs. 49ers (49ers, home, no line) Pittsburgh was going to have enough problems facing the San Francisco run defense on the road on Monday Night Football. Throw in the possibility that Ben Roethlisberger might not play due to a high ankle sprain, and I like San Francisco to win in a low scoring game. While we're at it, how is it that James Harrison only gets a one game suspension for being a repeat offender head hunter, when Ndamukong Suh gets suspended for two games for kicking at the hand of a guy who repeatedly tried to untie his shoes because he knew he was physically outmatched? I guess the NFL's hypocricy has no limits.

Blogging Survivor: South Pacific: "I'll eat a piece of his shit, that's how much of a 100% I am that he's with us"

2011-12-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

Upon arriving at Redemption Island, Ozzy greeted Cochran by scolding, "Cochran, Cochran, Cochran - why? Didn't you learn your lesson?" Cochran responded by acknowledging, "I drank the Kool-Aid."

Last week's Tribal Council ended with Russell's Nephew announcing that not only would the Upolu Alliance would be voting out Cochran, but that fellow alliance member Edna would be the next to go. Edna understandably began to feel frustrated and alienated by the betrayal of a tribe that she thought she had been a part of.

When Russell's Nephew asked the Savaii Tribe Alliance to come together for a morning prayer she excused herself because she did not feel like she was "part of the tribe." This caused Russell's Nephew to pray that God "softens her heart," because in his mind it's logical to pray for forgiveness for the person who you screwed over...Sadly, it appears as if poor Jimmy Swaggart's message fell on deaf ears and he died in vain.

Edna went on to voice her displeasure to Coach by saying, "I feel one guy, a 19 year-old high school drop-out, who's advertised that he's crazy, dictated to me the direction of my own destiny here."

When Cochran informed Ozzy that he felt as if the Upolu Alliance showed him no gratitude for shifting sides and giving them numbers, Ozzy got to the point and asked him whether he was going to vote for Coach or himself. That question caused Cochran's competitive juices to boil (which is probably the first time he ever had any of his juices boil). "What if I demolish you at the Duel, why that not a possibility?" Ozzy responded by saying, "You have a chance, you have a chance," before saying in private, "he really doesn't stand a chance."

The Redemption Duel between Ozzy and Cochran consisted of tossing grappling hooks to pull back a bags of balls, and then using one of them to solve a table maze. Despite getting off to a big lead in the grappling toss, Ozzy had problems with the table maze and was only able to defeat Cochran in a photo finish...and if you watch close enough, you can actually see Ozzy slightly piss himself.

Ozzy was told that he could choose three members of the Upolu Alliance to receive visits from loved ones, who had sent videos and were waiting on the island. Ozzy ended up choosing Coach, Albert and Russell's Nephew, in what could be viewed as an attempt to show Sophie and Rick that they were at the bottom of Coach's pecking order.

However, Coach made a surprise strategic move and approached Ozzy about making a secret alliance to go to the Final 3, giving him his "word as a Christian man...two noble warriors fighting it out." Seeing new found hope to get back in the game, Ozzy agreed to Coach's proposal.

Speaking of Christian men, all hell broke loose when Russell's Nephew was shown meeting with his loved-one, Russell's Brother, a/k/a, Russell's Nephew's Father. Alright, even I'm getting confused....I might have to actually start calling these hicks by their real names since they seem to be multiplying on Survivor like rats.

Russell's Nephew began by telling Russell's Brother about his strategy for the rest of the game. "I'm going to be such an example, I'm going to change peoples lives. Spit on one million dollars...I'm playing to set an example for Christ."

This angered Russell's Brother, who urged his son to take any opportunity that would assure him making it into the Final 3. When Russell's Nephew said that he wouldn't, Russell's Brother became irritated. "Are you kidding me?...You came here to win a million dollars, let's not lose perspective...No, it doesn't make me upset that you want to stand by the fact that you're a Christian, but you're also here to do a job, and that job is to bring home the gold...God also wants us to be wise, make a good position, put your family in a good position."

As much as I'm sure that God wants nothing more to give the Hantz family a million dollars, I'm pretty sure that he also wants their clan of Hobbits to stop getting jacked up on crystal meth and breeding...but I'm pretty sure that neither one of those two things are going to happen.

Speaking privately to the camera, Russell's Brother expounded. "I'm seeing (Russell's Nephew) frazzled...I don't like what I see, so I'm really glad that I came today...If I had to grade (Russell's Nephew) on the way he's playing, I'd probably give him a 'C.' I don't know how he hasn't gotten voted off yet...He's got to begin to play the game, and play it to win. It's the Hantz way, baby."

Not one to pass on an opportunity to seize additional camera time, Russell's Brother actually approached Coach and put him on the spot about his plans to take Russell's Nephew with him to the Final 3.

This seemed to irritate Coach who said, "(Russell's Nephew's) dad, a chip off the old block. They're all cut from the same cloth. (Russell's Nephew's) dad basically tried to bully me into making sure his son goes all the way to the end...It's all about manipulation and control, and the Hantz family are the kingpins...The kid's a loose cannon and...a ticking time bomb. But guess what, that 'tick-tock,' that's not a time bomb, that's your clock. You're about ready to be expired on this island."

The Immunity Challenge consisted of taking steps on a puzzle board, where each piece that a contestant stood upon became ineligible to be used in the future until only one contestant remained. While Coach won, Russell's Nephew explained his early exit by blurting out how he had played to ensure that a "particular person didn't win." This caused Edna to snap, "You can just use my name - like you do."

Edna tried to convince Coach to vote Brandon out based on his lack of honor and integrity, the two traits that Coach has said that he values the most in the game. "I just cannot accept that our tribe is saying 'honor and integrity'...and then you allow such behavior to happen around camp. That is like almost a hall pass for him to act irrationally around camp and emotionally destructive to everyone around us, me, Mikayla."

Coach told Edna that if she got Albert and Mikayla on her side he'd go along with her plan to vote Russell's Nephew out. When Albert questioned whether Edna actually had Coach on her side, Edna responded as convincingly as one could sound when she said, "Coach is 100%...I'll eat a piece of his shit, that's how much of a 100% I am that he's with us."

At Tribal Council Edna continued to plead her case when she said, "I've been trying to target (Russell's Nephew). His actions and behaviors have been in consistent with our Upolu mantra of...What is it again Coach?" When Coach responded by saying, "Our mantra is honor, loyalty, integrity," Edna pointed out how Russell's Nephew deviated from those traits by lying earlier in the game in order to get Mikayla voted out, as well as his strategy in the Immunity Challenge where he played only to prevent her from winning.

Russell's Nephew said that he didn't mind being Edna's punching bag, but warned her against "taking shots at my character...she's running around the tribe and planting seeds in people's minds". Edna quickly shot back, "To clarify, I wasn't planting seeds. I am not fabricating the events that happened. They happened, I didn't make one of those things up."

Ultimately, Coach, Albert and Sophie remained true to their original plan for a "Upolu Five," and they voted Edna off to Redemption Island, but not before she got in one last jab at Russell's Nephew as she voted against him. "I know you came out here to cleanse your family name. You're not doing a very good job of it."

Ranking the Survivors:

7. Edna - Even though she was sent to Redemption Island, I like the way Edna stood up to Russell's Nephew after he gave her a hollow apology for rubbing it in and publicly announcing that she was not part of Upolu's final five. "(Russell's Nephew) did verbalize an apology, but it was insincere. It's like beating your wife and apologizing or buying her a diamond necklace. 'I bought her a diamond necklace, I apologized, that's it.' In his mind he apologized, let's go on to the next insult." In fact, the more I think about it, I'm starting to think that as a doctor, Edna just might have gained access to Russell's Nephew's psychiatric file from his real life domestic abuse case.
6. Ozzy - Ozzy still needs to make it off Redemption Island before he can pursue his secret alliance with Coach.
5. Sophie - With all the wanna be Bible thumpers playing the game this season, I think Sophie put things in proper perspective. "(Russell's Nephew) thinks an apology absolves all sins, and maybe that's true in church, but on Survivor people are not as forgiving as Jesus Christ is." In fact, I think this needs to be added to Survivor's official motto of 'Outwit, Outlast, Outplay.'
4. Rick - While it took nearly all season, Rick finally found a way that he can communicate, by making references to animals. For example, like Sophie, Rick was upset at the way Russell's Nephew treated Edna. "Why do you have to do that (Russell's Nephew)? I like Edna. It didn't need to happen. She was clearly not going to win the game...That's like calling a little dog, 'come here, come here, come here,' and then whacking it in the gut with your foot. I mean, that's not right." You heard it here first, when Rick makes his final Jury Speech/Vote, there will be an animal reference in it.
3. Albert - I'm afraid that this was the week that Albert and Sophie should have made a move. It seems pretty clear that Rick and Russell's Nephew will remain loyal to Coach, so Albert and Sophie no longer have numbers in their favor in regards to Savaii's final five. Even if Edna returns from Redemption Island, it would still only be three on three. If Ozzy returns, he already seems to be locked into a secret deal with Coach. Still, if there's one other person who can defeat Coach in this game aside from Ozzy, it's Albert.
2. Russell's Nephew - Coach has had every opportunity to get rid of Russell's Nephew after he initially undermined him by trying to vote out Mikayla, as well as the way he shoots off his mouth towards those outside their alliance. Nonetheless, the little fella keeps sticking around, which makes me think that Coach plans on bringing him along to the end.
1. Coach - I'm starting to think that when this game is over Coach should right a philosophy book, only it needs to be marketed towards born-again Christians and Dungeons and Dragons players...because they're the only ones stupid enough to buy into his crap.

NFL Picks - Week 14: Because Brett Favre needs to get a dog. Not a Mississippi dog, but one that actually lives indoors and can keep him company when he gets lonely.

2011-12-08T19:48:00.000-08:00

Week 13 NFL Picks: 7-9
NFL results season to date: 89-91-8

Week 13 College Football results: 4-1
College Football results season to date: 29-27-2

Week 14 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

Thursday
Browns vs. Steelers (Steelers, home, -14.5) Cleveland is going to be hard-pressed to score enough points to keep up with Pittsburgh's offense, which could put more pressure on Browns QB Colt McCoy than he's able to play up to.

Sunday
Colts vs. Ravens (Colts, road, +17) I know that New England's defense is terrible, but the Indianapolis offense actually held on the the ball and showed some signs of life behind former 3rd string QB Dan Orlovsky last week. I look for Ray Rice and the Baltimore offense to have another big game like they did against Cleveland this week, but I think the Colts might be able to keep up with them for the most part, or at least 17 points worth.
Texans vs. Bengals (Bengals, home, -3) Both Houston and Cincinnati feature top defenses and rookie quarterbacks. Andy Dalton and his Bengals offense have just a few more healthy weapons, which gives Cincinnati the edge in what should be a low scoring game.
Chiefs vs. Jets (Jets, home, -9) New York's defense needs to fare better against Kansas City QB Tyler Palko than they did against the Broncos a few weeks ago. With this game being played in New York, I like the Jets to win by double digits.
Lions vs. Vikings (Lions, home, -8) Much has been said about Detroit imploding after a strong start, but if you looked at their schedule you could pretty much anticipate their recent swoon. Things get easier again starting this week when Minnesota comes to Ford Field. Throw in a few comments from redneck DE Jared Allen that slam the cities of Detroit and New Orleans that are beyond being even borderline racist, and the Lions should have plenty of motivation in this game. BTW, I voluntarily took not one, but two vacations to Detroit this year and had a blast both times. Great food (Slows BBQ, Detroit "square style" pizza, Polish Village Cafe, and original Detroit coney's at Lafayette) great people, great sporting events. And as a point of reference, I used to live in the Florida Keys...so Jared Allen can take his stupid ass mullet back to Idaho, white trash Texas or wherever the fuck he likes to rape cattle and suck it.

You might be sartorially challenged if you're basing your look on Jim "Hacksaw" Duggan

Saints vs. Titans (Saints, road, -4) There is a good chance that Drew Brees breaks Dan Marino's single season passing record and loses the league MVP award to another quarterback. In fact, I don't you'd hear anyone even so much as complain if that happened and Aaron Rodgers won MVP in a unanimous vote. Look for Brees and the New Orleans offense to continue their assault on the record this week against a solid, but not spectacular Tennessee team.
Eagles vs. Dolphins (Eagles, road, +3) Philadelphia and Miami are teams heading in two different directions. DeSean Jackson has completely tanked his season. Personally, I think that most NFL players looking for a new contract absolutely despise getting hit with the Franchise Tag. I suspect that Jackson and his agent have put together a plan where he plays so lackadaisical and alienates himself so much from his teammates and coaches that Philadelphia wouldn't want to bring him back under any circumstance, including under the Franchise Tag. Of course, if I was the Eagles front office I'd publicly announce that if he picks up his play they could negotiate a new deal during the off season, and if not, they'll "Franchise" him for sure. DeSean Jackson's issues aside, I look for Michael Vick and Jeremy Maclin to give the Eagles a boost with their return from injuries.
Patriots vs. Pigskins (Patriots, road, -9) New England should be able to move the ball at will against Washington, who would have benefited from a flextime move to Sunday Night Football that could have enhanced their home field advantage.
Falcons vs. Panthers (Panthers, home, +3) Carolina is the team you just don't want to bet against when they are getting points. A heavy dose of Michael Turner is clearly in Atlanta's game plan, but they haven't played a game outdoors in almost two months.
Buccaneers vs. Jaguars (Buccaneers, road, -1) Jacksonville has already fired their coach mid-season, while word has it that Tampa Bay will fire Raheem Morris as soon as the season ends. Neither team can sell out their stadiums. The clear solution I see is to let the winner of this game move to Las Angeles, with the loser moving to Orlando where they can rename the team and draw fans from both sides of the state. As for the game itself, the Jaguars have the better running game and better defense, while the Buccaneers have the better quarterback. I hate to do it, but I'm going to go with Tampa Bay's potential on offense over the sure thing in the Jacksonville's running game in this game.
49ers vs. Cardinals (49ers, road, -4) Arizona has an underrated defense, which could cause San Francisco some problems. On the other hand, the 49ers should be able to shut down Arizona's running game and make them a one dimensional passing team, which is not a good thing the way Kevin Kolb has been playing. With a home field advantage and Alex Smith playing mistake free football all season, I can't bet against the 49ers.
Bears vs. Broncos (Bears, road, +3.5) So Brett Favre made it known this week that he'd be willing to come out of retirement and play for the Bears if they were interested. My first thought was that Brett Favre needs to get a dog. Not a Mississippi dog, but one that actually lives indoors and can keep him company when he gets lonely at times like this. Then when I thought about it, signing Favre actually seems like the logical thing to do with Jay Cutler likely out for the rest of the season due to injury. If I was Jerry Angelo and Lovie Smith, I'd send Mike Martz on a sabbatical, and run a simplified offense where they pound the ball with Marion Barber and put Favre in a position where he only has to make simple reads and passes. With Chicago's defense, that should at least get them one or two wins and put them in the Playoffs. As it stands, Chicago is stuck with Caleb Hanie and the Broncos are stuck with Tim Tebow. I don't think either one of them will be able to move the ball against the other's defense. In that case, I'll take the points, especially when they amount to more than a field goal.

...Just not this one, it would probably bite him.

Packers vs. Raiders (Packers, home, -11.5) Carson Palmer and the Oakland Raiders are not going to score enough points on the road to keep up with Aaron Rodgers and Green Bay. In fact, Darren McFadden's hammy tightened up just thinking about playing at Lambeau Field in December.
Bills vs. Chargers (Chargers, home, -7) San Diego and Buffalo have been two of the coldest teams in the NFL in recent weeks. They also have two of the most inept general managers in the league. I guess it's not a coincidence that Buddy Nix worked under A.J. Smith in San Diego. Given that Buffalo has no pass rush and an injury riddled secondary, it seems like a prime opportunity for Phil Rivers and Vincent Jackson to have big games. Then again, we are talking about the Chargers, Phil Rivers and Vincent Jackson.
Giants vs. Cowboys (Cowboys, home, -3) The Cowboys had a huge letdown last week against the Cardinals, mainly because they got away from using DeMarco Murray as their full-time back in favor or using Felix Jones more on passing plays. Jerry Jones and Dallas are obviously oblivious to the fact that using Murray full time after Jones was injured is what took the pressure off Tony Romo by making them less predictable and made them into the front-runners in the NFC East. Fortunately for Dallas, the Giants are in a downward spiral. So if they can go back to properly using Murray, they should prevail at home in a game that looks like it could be a shootout.

Monday
Rams vs. Seahawks (Seahawks, home, -4.5) The Rams and the Seahawks on Monday Night Football? Really? At least I have Marshawn Lynch playing in a fantasy football playoff game to keep me interested. Seattle's running game and a prime time home field advantage should allow them to easily cover against a St. Louis team that has been amongst the worst in the league this year against the spread.

Blogging Survivor: South Pacific - "It's a chicken. You grab it by the neck and you spin it around and you kill it. Or you bite its head off if you want to be cool"

2011-12-07T18:24:00.000-08:00

In describing his rebellious 5th grade days, before he became "chained to a reputation" as a "brown-noser," Cochran told the story of he tried to woo the girls at his school through prank phone calls. "'You're so hot. I really want to trade sperm with you,' then I'd hand up and think that was a successful prank call...not fully understanding how sex worked."

Unfortunately, after a brief honeymoon period, Cochran's abrasive personality and annoying stories finally started to rub some members of the Upolu Tribe Alliance the wrong way. Sophie was one of those people who no longer found his antics amusing. "When I first came here I felt kind of bad for Cochran, I thought people kind of bullied him. I can see now why people got annoyed with him."

Cochran also began to recognize that he was the odd man out in the Upolu Alliance, comparing their use of "The Family" with "The Manson Family." "(Russell's Nephew) in particular almost seems excessively devout, to the point that he's trying to suppress something a bit more scary. I don't want to be Sharon Tate in this scenario." Cochran actually might be on to something, but he shouldn't flatter himself. The "Sharon Tate" in Upolu's scenario was clearly Mikayla, who's body is probably buried in a shallow grave just outside of Katy, Texas.

At the Redemption Duel, Ozzy met Whitney and Dawn in a Challenge that consisted of balancing a stack of bowls and plates the longest. Dawn was eliminated first, showing that it's one of her husband's seven other wives who's responsible for doing the dishes in her family back in Utah (Dawn's responsibility was "cleaning the bedroom," if you know what I mean). Whitney dropped her stack next, allowing Redemption Island to remain "Club Ozzy."

Edna began to chastise Albert for his lack of effort around camp. Rick called Albert a "precious little thing," compared him to a "Barbie Doll" by noting how he sits around looking cute without really doing anything, and gave him the nickname "Princess Albert." However, aside from his obvious Brokeback attraction to him, Rick too had issues with Albert's work ethic around camp. In fact, Rick's lust/resentment towards Albert has a few too many parrellels to the way that "Russell's Nephew" viewed Mikayla for my liking...but at least I finally figured out why Rick has that mustache.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of two stages. The first three competitors to throw bean bags on three targets advanced to a second round, where they shot coconuts to see who could knock down a series of targets the fastest. While Rick took an early lead in stage two, Albert ended up coming from behind and winning Individual Immunity.

Albert not only won Immunity, but a reward in the form of a trip to a spa for a shower and a massage. Allowed to select one other person to accompany him, Albert selected Coach. He also elected to give up his own reward to Cochran, who had told the tribe earlier that it was his birthday.

Hilarity ensued, not because Cochran revealed that he had lied about it being his birthday, but because he said, "I've given my mom massages over the years, but I've never received one." He then took it a step further when he told Coach, "It feels great, having a beautiful (woman) stroke the insides of my legs is a new experience for me."

Like Cochran, Edna realized she was at the bottom of the original Upolu Alliance after Coach told her she would likely be the next to go after Cochran. After telling Albert about Rick's comments, Albert called Rick "about as sharp as a bowling ball," and said that he'd join Cochran and Edna in voting Rick out if they could convince Coach to join them.

After Coach promised that he'd "go down fighting for his man Cochran," Cochran told him about their proposal to vote-out Rick. That caused Coach to contemplate, "There's a tide that is coming. I either take it and ride with a new alliance, or I stick with my original five...I just want to make sure I pick the right tide." Ultimately, Coach went back on his word to fight for him and voted Cochran out, who joined Ozzy at Redemption Island.

Ranking the Survivors:

8. Cochran - Cochran. While their reunion on Redemption Island should be very uncomfortable, can you imagine what an upset it would be if Cochran, who came on the show idolizing Ozzy, only to get "bullied" by him, ended up beating his former mentor in the Redemption Duel?
7. Ozzy - As he predicted, Ozzy continues to thrive free diving and spearfishing on his own at Redemption Island. I just wonder if he'll live up to his promise to "cook his competitors a nice fish" when former Savaii Alliance member Cochran arrives, considering that Cochran betrayed him and caused him to get voted out.
6. Edna - Edna tried to make a big move after Coach was dumb enough to confirm her suspicion that she was going to be the next to go in the Upolu Alliance after Cochran. Unfortunately, she needed Coach to vote with her in order to get numbers back on her side.
5. Albert - Albert arrogantly became comfortable with his position in the game and began allowing the weaker members in his alliance to do all of the work around camp. He described his strategy as follows, "The players in my alliance think it's not 'Outwit, Outplay, Outlast.' They think it's 'Outclean, Outgather, Outorganize.' To me this game is about doing well in challenges, creating a great strategy and playing a strong social game...I'll leave to housework to Martha Stewart."
4. Sophie - Sophie commented on how Cochran noted how he thought members of the Upolu Alliance felt indebted to him. "I don't feel indebted to him, screw you." Reading between the lines, my money is on the two of them hooking up after the show.
3. Rick - Rick, the silent Cowboy who has pretty much refrained from speaking all season, chimed right in when Russell's Nephew was shown losing his grasp on a chicken that the Upolu Tribe was trying to kill, allowing it to run free into the jungle. "It's a chicken. You grab it by the neck and you spin it around and you kill it. Or you bite its head off if you want to be cool." I'm not really sure what it means to be cool in Rick and former contestant Dawn's home state of Utah, but I'm pretty sure that I'm never going to go there to find out.
2. Russell's Nephew - Once considered a liability for him in this game, "Russell's Nephew's" inability to control his impulses is now his greatest asset given that he has ridden Coach's coattails this far. It would be nearly impossible for him to beat anybody who is smart enough to take him along to the Final Two as a human consolation prize. In fact, I propose they make a life size trophy in Brandon Hantz's image for every weak reality show contestant who gets drug along to the end to ensure another competitor's victory.

Yep, Brandon Hantz is that douche who posts shirtless pictures of himself flexing after getting his "swole on" at the gym on his Facebook page (which, BTW, is priceless). Way to pump those two 45 pound plates tough guy!

1. Coach - If there was any question as to whether Coach was the top seed to win Survivor: South Pacific, it was erased when he was the deciding vote as to whether the other controlling alliance members were going to be Edna, Cochran and Albert, or Rick, "Russell's Nephew" and Sophie. Thankfully, Coach gave us a "thumbs-up" in the otherwise useless "never before seen clips" episode that aired over Thanksgiving.

He finally did it!!! "Thumbs-Up Coach," meet "Thumbs-Up Jesus." "Thumbs-up Jesus," meet "Thumbs-up Coach."

NFL Picks - Week 13: Because Ndamukong Suh's stomp wasn't really that big of a deal

2011-12-01T19:25:00.000-08:00

Week 12 NFL Picks: 7-8
NFL results season to date: 82-82-8

Week 12 College Football results: 4-3
College Football results season to date: 25-26-2

Week 13 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

Thursday
Eagles vs. Seahawks (Seahawks, home, +2.5) Philadelphia not only seem to lack chemistry, but they have to travel across the country on a short week. Seattle has one of the best home field advantages in the league, which will only be enhanced by a Thursday night game on national TV.

Sunday
Titans vs. Bills (Titans, road, +1.5) Buffalo just isn't the same team as they were earlier in the season due to injuries to their secondary and RB Fred Jackson. Tennessee has been average all season, and Chris Johnson has been showing signs of life against inferior run defenses of late. The Bills give him third straight favorable match-up this week.
Chiefs vs. Bears (Bears, home, -7.5) This game features two teams with quarterbacks who really have no business playing in the NFL (note, if your starter goes down and you immediately start to look for someone off the waiver wire or the street to take over for your back-up, your personnel department did not do a good job of selecting your back-up to begin with). Both teams will try to run first in order to minimize mistakes. Unlike the Chiefs, I think the Bears have the defense to win with that game plan.
Raiders vs. Dolphins (Raiders, road, +3) Miami is playing just well enough on defense to potentially save Tony Sporano's job. Oakland is also a decent team, although their run first philosophy will be tested by the Dolphins stout run defense. I'll take the Raiders and the points in a close and low scoring game.
Bengals vs. Steelers (Bengals, road, +7) Cincinnati has proven that they can hang tough against the best teams in the AFC North. While Pittsburgh's defense is doing well score wise, they are no longer the playmaking unit they were in years past when it comes to sacks and forcing turnovers.
Ravens vs. Browns (Ravens, road, -7) This is the type of game that Baltimore has been losing this season, as they've looked dominant against the best teams in the league, yet lost to Tennessee and Seattle. Cleveland has done a decent job of moving the ball to the Redzone, but has struggled to score touchdowns once they get there. I'll take the Ravens this week, but beware of a trap game.
Jets vs. Redskins (Jets, road, -3) New York's defense was a huge disappointment when they failed to stop Tim Tebow and a one-dimensional Broncos offense three weeks ago. If they can't frustrate a Washington offense lead by the erratic "Train-Rex" Grossman, their season is as good as over.
Falcons vs. Texans (Falcons, road, -3) Atlanta has been playing better now that they've gone back to being a run first team behind Michael "Burner" Turner, but will face a tough test against the Texans No. 4 ranked run defense. With Houston down to a third string rookie quarterback, I think the Falcons have too much firepower for them to keep up with.
Panthers vs. Buccaneers (Panthers, road, +3) With Josh Freeman either out or playing with an injured shoulder, Tampa Bay will struggle to move the ball through the air. While both teams should be able to move the ball on the ground, I like Carolina and Cam Newton to cover as they've been doing for much of the season.
Broncos vs. Vikings (Vikings, home, even) Denver does not have the luxury of playing against another crappy AFC West defense this week. I look for the Vikings front seven and a loud Metrodome crowd to shut down Tim Tebow in what should be a close game if Adrian Peterson does not play, and a blow-out in the event that he does.
49ers vs. Rams (49'ers, home, -14) San Francisco should be able to run the ball all over the Rams in the event that Frank Gore plays, while their defense should be able to shut down Steven Jackson and make the St. Louis offense reliant on the pass, which is not a good thing.
Cowboys vs. Cardinals (Cowboys, road, -4.5) Even with Kevin Kolb returning at QB for Arizona, I LOVE Dallas giving 4.5 points in this game. I think they should be able to run and throw against the Cardinals at will, while taking advantage of an Arizona offense that lacks any sort of identity.
Packers vs. Giants (Packers, road, -7) On one hand I can see this as a trap game for Green Bay on the road. On the other hand I see Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay passing attack downright abusing a New York secondary and linebacking corps that have been battered by injuries.

Look for Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings to have huge days against the Giants patchwork defense

Colts vs. Patriots (Patriots, home, -20.5) I know that 20.5 points is a lot to give in any NFL game, but given that Indianapolis has no passing game (and is now turning to Dan Orlovsky, who is best known for losing track of where he was on the field and accidentally running out of the back of the end zone for a safety when he played for Detroit) and no possible way of stopping Tom Brady and the New England passing game, I'll gladly lay the points in this game...especially given the way that Bill Belichick and his Patriots have no remorse in running up the score.
Lions vs. Saints (Saints, home, -9) I really don't get all the negative press that Ndamukong Suh has received this week. Did he lose his cool during the game and deserve to get ejected for kicking at Packers G Even Dietrich-Smith? Yes. Did Dietrich-Smith antagonize him by repeatedly untying his shoes? It seems likely. Did he deserve to get suspended for two additional games? Not based upon the precident already established by the NFL Disciplinary Office. I would point out that Vikings defensive end Brian Robison was fined $20,000, but NOT suspended for the much more egregious offense of kicking Packers guard T.J. Lang in square in the nuts just one month ago. Jared Allen of the Vikings then kicked Ray Edwards of the Falcons in the jelly-beans and did not get suspended either, so let's just call this the "circle of life" when you're a lineman in the NFL. This was not a situation like when Albert Haynesworth aggressively stomped on a defenseless Andre Gurode's forehead and gouged open a wound with his cleats after Gurode's helmet had come off. Suh was obviously frustrated, and I'm not trying to defend his actions, but he wasn't trying to hurt anyone. If he wanted to stomp Dietrich-Smith and cause him harm, he had every opportunity to do so, yet didn't. The way the Roger Goodell punishes certain players, yet lets others off the hook for similar offenses is making the NFL look more and more like the NCAA. And if I have to hear Goodell's lackey Mike Pereira (the Former NFL Head of Officiating and current Fox Sports Analyst) justify the league's selective justice one more time, I just might lose it. With that being said, the Lions likely lose this game to the Saints, as NBC did them no favor by flexing this game to Sunday Night where they'll play in front of an even more hostile Superdome crowd. And as everyone writes the Lions out of the Playoff picture, they'll rattle off three wins in their last four games to wind up 10-6 and edge out the Bears for the final Wildcard spot.

So it's okay to nut plant someone with your spikes, but if you get frustrated and kick at someone as you're being pulled away from a skirmish it's a two and a half game suspension? If I ran my fantasy football league that way I'd have a mutiny on my hands.

Monday
Chargers vs. Jaguars (Chargers, road, -3) San Diego has favorable match-ups this week with Phil Rivers going against a secondary missing Rashean Mathis and a defensive line that can't get to the passer. Quite frankly, if the Chargers can't put it together this week against a Jacksonville team that inexplicably fired their head coach this week, then San Diego coach Norv Turner and village idiot general manager A.J. Smith need to be fired immediately as well.

College Football's Top Games of the Week:

Oklahoma State vs. Oklahoma (Oklahoma State, home, -3.5) Sorry Sooners fans, this is the year that the Cowboys are just flat out the better team.

Oklahoma State Cheerleaders: Jesus, this girl looks like she could play corner for the Cowboys!

Baylor vs. Texas (Baylor, home, -3) Is it just me, or is there something shady going on in Waco? An ultra religious university that has historically been awful when it comes to athletics is quickly emerging as potential power in both football and basketball. With top recruiting classes landed in both sports, I suspect that the Southern Baptists might be dipping in to their donation trays, if you know what I mean. The Bears are going to put up points regardless of who they play. The Longhorns, on the other hand, have struggled on offense for much of the season. I can't see Texas keeping up with Robert Griffin III and the Baylor offense, so I'll lay the points in spite of what my brain tells me to do when I say Texas vs. Baylor on paper.

Baylor Cheerleader: I'm pretty sure that public fountain enemas violate the Southern Baptist Student Conduct Code.

Wisconsin vs. Michigan State (Michigan State, +10) Everyone remembers how Michigan State needed a "Hail Mary" to beat Wisconsin on the final play of the game at home in picking the Badgers to go to the Rose Bowl.

Everyone forgets how Sparty spotted Bucky 14 early points on uncharacteristic fumbles on their opening two drives, then stormed back to take the lead before letting Wisconsin comeback to tie the game with a soft prevent defense. I look for both teams to limit their mistakes this week in the inaugural B1G Championship Game, with the Spartans winning outright 31-27.

After this weeks fall during the B1G-ACC Challenge, Michigan State's Cheerleaders are much safer on grass than on the hardwood.

Georgia vs. LSU (LSU, -14) The Bulldogs have no business even being in this game coming out of one of the weakest conference divisions in all of college football. I'd just like to see where the Tigers would be this season if Les Miles had not reinstated quarterback Jordan Jefferson after he fractured a Marine's face after stomping on him during a bar fight. I find it funny how Ndamukong Suh is vilified for weakly kicking at a fellow player while they were in full pads during a skirmish, but Jefferson is hardly ever mentioned even though he committed what would amount to a felony in front of several credible witnesses who identified him as a primary attacker.

From their government to their football team, everyone is for sale in Louisiana...and I would gladly barter some Mardis Gras beeds with this LSU hottie!

Virginia Tech vs. Clemson (Virginia Tech, -7.5) After a promising start Clemson is slowly collapsing, while Virginia Tech is playing their best football of the season. Even though the Tigers handed the Hokies their only loss while playing in Blacksburg, I these two teams are going in different directions.

Clemson Cheerleader: After a strong start to their season, the Tigers are no longer soaring.

2011 B1G - ACC Challenge Breakdown: Because the Big Ten got worse when Nebraska joined

2011-11-28T23:26:00.000-08:00

In anticipation of this year's B1G - ACC Challenge, I'm breaking down of each of the Challenge's twelve games. I was going to predict that the B1G takes home their third consecutive victory in the Challenge this year, but unfortunately they added Nebraska.

Here's a list of all the games, my analysis of each, and my predicted winners in parentheses:

Michigan at Virginia: (Michigan) The Cavaliers have not distinguished themselves against an inferior schedule this season. On the other hand, the upstart Wolverines have already played two top 10 teams and defeated a historic power in UCLA.

One of Michigan's "good looking" cheerleaders...relatively speaking, of course.

Northwestern at Georgia Tech: (Northwestern) Northwester should have their best team in years lead by Drew Crawford and John Shurna. Returning seven of their top eight scorers from last season, the Wildcats just have to find a replacement for PG Juice Thompson. It's sad that a once elite program like Georgia Tech's have now fallen off the map of college basketball.

Northwester Cheerleader...I hate smart chicks.

Illinois at Maryland: (Illinois) Both the Terrapins and the Illini are trying to rebuild. Illinois is re-stocking after losing their top three scorers from last season in Demitri McCamey, Mike Davis and Mike Tisdale. Meanwhile, Maryland is trying to replace the legendary Gary Williams. I'll give the advantage to the Illini after a slow start to the Terrapin's season so far.

Personally, I thought Black Swan sucked.

Miami at Purdue: (Purdue) Robbie Hummel and the Boilermakers should blow the Hurricanes away at Mackey Arena.

Whether a Boiler Maker is a drink or a train, this chick is on board.

Clemson at Iowa: (Iowa) I look for Iowa to be the surprise team in the Big Ten this season. With an upstart Hawkeye team, Carver-Hawkeye Arena will be a much more difficult road venue than the Tigers will be anticipating.

Clemson is willing to let grades slide when it comes to admitting football players and cheerleaders.

Duke at Ohio State: (Ohio State) The marquee game of the Challenge probably features the two true best teams in the country. I look for Jared Sullinger and the Buckeyes to capitalize on their substantial home court advantage at Value City Arena, which is pretty much the epitome of the entire state of Ohio. The Blue Devils won't go down easy though, having played the toughest schedule in America by far at this early stage in the season.

I'm pretty sure this Ohio State Cheerleader should be able to find someone who would be more than willing to pull her hair for her.

Indiana at NC State: (NC State) This is one of the better match-ups that I look forward to watching in the Challenge. The Hoosiers finally look to be turning the corner under Tom Crean, while NC State is lead by the dynamic C.J. Leslie. I'll take the Wolf Pack at home over the more talented, but inexperienced Hoosiers.

NC State Cheerleaders: I almost feel like I should blur something out here.

Penn State at Boston College: (Boston College) Penn State lost All-American G Talor Battle to the NBA and coach Ed DeChellis to Navy. That's right, the Nittany Lions coach parlayed arguably the best player in program history and a rare Penn State NCAA Tournament birth, not into a raise, but into the head coaching gig at Navy. That tells you about all you need to know about the Penn State basketball program.

Boston College Cheerleader: He had to pay extra for this.

Florida State at Michigan State: (Michigan State) A young but talented Spartans team is finally back to playing "Izzo ball" with a talented interior that has them operating from the inside out for the first time in years. The Seminoles were not living up to their pre-season hype until they took number 4 UConn to overtime in a loss last weekend. Both teams excel on defense, so look for this to be a low scoring and ugly game. The Seminoles have a distinct size advantage, while the Spartans are better in transition running the fast break. Give this one to the Spartans and since it will be played at the hostile Breslin Center in East Lansing.

Michigan State Cheerleaders: Ok, just so long as you're SURE nobody else can see what we're doing.

*EDITOR'S NOTE - MSU CHEERLEADER TAYLOR YOUNG, WHO WAS INJURED IN A SCARY FALL TO THE FLOOR DURING THE MSU-FLA ST. GAME, HAS FULL MOVEMENT OF HER EXTREMITIES AND APPEARS IN LINE TO MAKE A FULL RECOVERY (see, The Red Mieni actually does view cheerleaders as human beings...unlike strippers).

Virginia Tech at Minnesota: (Virginia Tech) Tubby Smith and Golden Gophers were dealt a considerable blow last weekend when pre-season All-America PF Trevor Mbakwe was lost for the season due to an ACL injury. Instead of picking the Gophers at home, I now have Seth Greenberg's Hokies winning in a tight game.

Minnesota Cheerleaders: I always thought these shots were accidental for cheerleaders...apparently that's not the case in Minneapolis.

Wake Forest at Nebraska: (Wake Forest) The Demon Deacons would be a favorable match-up for just about any other team in the Challenge. Unfortunately for the B1G, they immediately became a worse basketball conference with the addition of the Cornhuskers.

Either this girl is a stripper, or Wake Forest Cheerleaders can ask their fans if they want to buy them a shot between ~~dances~~ dance routines.

Wisconsin at North Carolina: (North Carolina) The Badgers have a chance in Chapel Hill with pre-season All-American Harrison Barnes potentially out due to a sprained ankle, but I still look for the Tar Heels to win if Roy Williams can inspire them to come out and play with more energy after playing completely uninspired basketball against UNLV last Saturday. If not, the pre-season number 1 team in the country has bigger problems on their hands.

If the Tar Heels can't get it up for this one, then they have bigger problems than Harrison Barnes' sprained ankle.

Final Prediction:
B1G 7, ACC 5

NFL Picks - Week 12: "Because the Lions - Packers game is bigger than Pam Oliver's ass"

2011-11-24T13:27:00.000-08:00

Week 11 NFL Picks: 3-10-1
NFL results season to date: 75-74-8

Week 11 College Football results: 2-2
College Football results season to date: 21-23-2

Week 12 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

Thursday
Green Bay vs. Detroit (Detroit, home, +7) The Lions probably match up better with the Packers than any other team in the NFC. They have the ability to score with Green Bay in the event of a shoot-out, and their defensive line and ball-hawking secondary may be capable of slowing Aaron Rodgers down. Mix in a deafening Ford Field crowd, and the Lions have a legitimate shot at becoming the first team to defeat the Packers this season.

Pam Oliver's HUGE ass!

The Lions-Packers game this Thanksgiving is huge...kind of like Fox sideline reporter Pam Oliver's big ass.

Miami vs. Dallas (Dallas, home, -7) Believe it or not, this game features two of the hottest teams in the NFL. Miami has shown some life on offense after Matt Moore took over at quarterback, and their defense is finally starting to lock down after some early season lapses in their secondary. Dallas has quickly become one of the better teams in the NFL after they inserted emerging star Demarco Murray at running back, which has allowed Tony Romo to play more conservatively and allow his receivers make plays instead of forcing throws.
San Francisco vs. Baltimore (Baltimore, home, -3) Traveling across the country on a short week will make it difficult for the 49ers to defeat the Ravens in the Harbaugh Bowl.

Sunday
Arizona vs. St. Louis (St. Louis, home, -3) I kept looking at this game trying to think of something interesting to say, but it made me have to go take an Early Doucet.
Buffalo vs. New York Jets (New York Jets, home, -8) The wheels are coming off the wagon for the Bills, who are now without underrated running back Fred Jackson for the rest of the season. The Jets are their own worst enemy, with Marc Sanchez finally making the journey from overrated to a consensus below average quarterback.
Cincinnati vs. Cleveland (Cincinnati, home, -7.5) The Bengals are in a position to make the playoffs but still can't sell out Paul Brown Stadium against their biggest rival. The Browns are even less interested to play in this game.
Jacksonville vs. Houston (Houston, home, -3.5) Ever since Matt Leinart ratted out a friend that he knew was innocent of soliciting a prostitute when he was on an episode of Punk'd, I have a hard time putting any faith or trust in the guy. Unfortunately, that's just what I'm going to do. The Texans defense has quickly become one of the league's best, and should be able to shut down the Jaguars running game and one dimensional offense. For some reason I think that Leinart is capable of running the Texan offense with Matt Schaub out for the season.
Atlanta vs. Minnesota (Atlanta, home, -9.5) The Falcons have been playing better now that they've gone back to being a run first team behind Michael "Burner" Turner. The Vikings will be playing without All-Pro running back Adrian Peterson, which now leaves a rookie quarterback Christian Ponder trying to win a game without a decent running back, any servicable wide receivers, or an offensive line.
Carolina vs. Indianapolis (Carolina, road, -3.5) Cam Newton should put up huge numbers against an undersized and injury depleted Colts defense. While the Panthers defense isn't much better, Indianapolis really doesn't have the talent on offense to capitalize and keep up.
Tampa Bay vs. Tennessee (Tennessee, home, -3.5) The Buccaneers have burned me me all season long. Matt Hasselbeck looks to be in line to play without any adverse affects after injuring his elbow last week.
Chicago vs. Oakland (Chicago, road, +4.5) In spite of Mike Martz being in charge of their offense, I foresee the Bears going conservative and riding their running game in the absence of Jay Cutler while they rely on their solid defense to keep them in games.
New England vs. Philadelphia (New England, road, -3) I love how a small group of people are still trying to talk themselves into the Eagles making a late run this season after a couple of victories. With Nmandi Asomugha having been carted off the practice field this week with an apparent knee injury, and with Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie also potentially missing this game, Tom Brady and Patriots should feast on the Eagles secondary.
Seattle vs. Washington (Seattle, home, -4) Marshawn Lynch has added some spark the Seahawks running game over the past four weeks in spite of Seattle losing two starters on their offensive line over that same period. After a quick start to their season, the Pigskins have simply become a team that you can't gamble on no matter what the point spread is.
Denver vs. San Diego (Denver, road, +7) Every year a terrible team from the AFC West ends up looking better than they are due to their easy intra division match-ups and some additional help from the NFL scheduling ~~Tebows~~ Gods. Two years ago that team was Denver. Last year it was Kansas City. This year it's Denver again. If we go by track records, the Broncos will cover and/or win behind Tim Tebow, while Phillip Rivers and the Chargers will find a way to turn the ball over multiple times and lose. It should be pretty easy to put together a game plan and put eight men in the box and dare Tim Tebow to beat you by throwing while playing to contain him on the run. Unfortunately, I have no faith in Norv Turner and his staff to do so.
Pittsburgh vs. Kansas City (Pittsburgh, road, -10.5) If Tyler Palko had problems with New England's defense last week, it's only going to get worse when he faces the Steelers this week. I look for the Steelers to blow the Chiefs out by over 30 points on Sunday night.

Monday
New York Giants vs. New Orleans (New York Giants, road, +7) Eli Manning and the Giants are quietly putting up huge numbers in the passing game this season. In fact, they are almost a carbon copy of the Saints. I'll take the Saints to win since they are at home, but not to cover.

College Football's Top Games of the Week:

Arkansas vs. LSU (LSU, home, -12) I just don't think the Razorbacks are ready to play with the big boys yet. Look for the best secondary in college football to shut down the Arkansas passing game and take care of business with a BCS Championship Game bid on the line.

Surprisingly, as evident by this Razorback Cheerleader, not everyone from Arkansas has a physical birth defect.

Ohio State vs. Michigan (Ohio State, road, +7.5) Michigan went through a scandal with Rich Rodriguez and wound up with Brady Hoke as their new head coach after several more high profile candidates turned them down. Ohio State went through their own coaching scandal and scored by landing the premier coach in all of college football in Urban Meyer. I guess that answers the question as to which school has the better program. Look for Ohio State's defense to easily contain the overrated Denard Robinson.
Wisconsin vs. Penn State (Wisconsin, home,-15) The Nittney "Loins" are reeling right now, and Wisconsin has a chance to go for the kill at home. Plus Bret Bielema and the Badgers have no shame in running up a score for the purposes of inflating their rankings.

Wisconsin Badger Cheerleader: Who says all girls from Wisconsin are fat? Milk sure did this Badger Cheerleader's body good.

Georgia vs. Georgia Tech (Georgia Tech, home, +6) This is a game that Mark Richt and his underachieving Bulldogs have seemed to struggle with recently. The Yellow Jackets typically seem to be able to keep this game within 6 points.

Georgia Bulldog Cheerleader: Things could get a little cheeky for Mark Richt and his Georgia Bulldogs if they lose again to in state rival Georgia Tech.

South Carolina vs. Clemson (Clemson, road, +4.5) When was the last time that the Clemson Tigers were relevant in the National Title picture? According to their fans it was as recently as a month ago. According to the rest of the country it was 1981. They're still better than an overrated SEC East South Carolina team.

The South Carolina football team might be overrated, but at least their cheerleaders come with instructions.

Alabama vs. Auburn (Alabama, road, -21) Alabama has already poisoned the trees at Auburn's historic Grove. Now it's time for them to rape their football team and beat their women. ROLL-DAMN-TIDE!

I never quite understood why the University of Alabama had an elephant for their mascot. Unfortunately, I do now...No wonder why their fans are so angry.

Notre Dame vs. Stanford (Notre Dame, road, +7) Andrew Luck has been struggling slightly of late. Aside from him, Stanford is just a bunch of slow white kids...just like Notre Dame. Give me the points in this one.

I see some "tree-stieality" in this Stanford Cheerleader's future.

Blogging Survivor: South Pacific - "Coach is running the show like he's Jesus"

2011-11-23T11:35:00.000-08:00

This week's episode began with the increasingly arrogant Coach describing his strategy for keeping the masses in check. "Survivor 101, Rule #37, anybody who's on the bottom of an alliance better not feel like they're on a bottom of an alliance, or they're going to revolt."

Cochran was buying into Coach's propaganda. "As painful as it is for me to admit it, I am drinking the Coach Kool-Aide. I'm drinking it slowly, not huge gulps...Because if I'm not on the cult leader's side, I'm going to meet an untimely death, so I need to support the father of "The Family."

No, that's not Ozzy...it's Coach when he was in charge of his original alliance back in the 60's known as "The Family."

Jim, Keith and Ozzy competed in a three-way Redemption Challenge for the right to stay in the game. Their challenge consisted of keeping a pole balanced on the top of their hands while their arms were outstretched while pressing the pole up against an overhead board. Jim was eliminated quickly when his pole fell to the ground. He did finally finish first in something when he became the first member of the Jury. Ozzy then barely outlasted Keith to continue his at Redemption Island.

Ozzy seemed content with his vacation at Redemption Island as compared to being involved in the rigors of the game back at camp. "Redemption ads a whole new twist to it. If you have the skills and ability like I do, you can come out fresh and rejuvenated...and play the end game with voracity you can't when you're having to deal with a tribe."

Back at camp, Rick (the mute Cowboy), failed in his attempt to replace Ozzy as the Tribe's fisherman. Meanwhile, Cochran started to become concerned about being the seventh member out of seven in the Upolu Alliance, and began to talk about making another major move to play with Dawn and Whitney.

At the Individual Immunity Challenge the contestants had to balance a bowl of rice on their heads, walk over two teeter-totters, and empty their bowls into a container until it reached the fill-line. Sophie ended up winning, with Jeff Probst announcing that a "twist" was forthcoming at Tribal Council.

Cochran surmised that the "twist" would be a double elimination, with a second Immunity Challenge immediately following the first vote. Albert continued to establish himself as Coach's top competition and mounted a campaign against alliance member Edna, noting how she wouldn't vote for him over Coach if it came down to it. He also noted how targeting Edna would earn him points with Cochran, Whitney and Dawn on the Jury.

Albert went on to inform Cochran that he was in fact seventh in the pecking order in their alliance, and proposed taking out Edna along with Whitney, Dawn, and Sophie. Sophie, the potential swing vote, noted, "Albert is showing his true colors more and more, which are maybe closer to my true colors." Meanwhile Coach, the religious leader in the game, tried to impose a new rule that would prohibit women and non-whites from voting since they represented a threat to his power.

At Tribal Council, Whitney was asked by Jeff if Coach was the Upolu Alliance leader. "Everybody reports back to him. If they're always reporting back to him, thats what you gotta assume, right?" Albert expounded by saying, "I definitely don't think he's my leader, or the leader, he might just be a figurehead." Ultimately, the Te Tuna Tribe voted out Dawn, but it's clear that the masses are already planning their revolt.

The writing is on the wall...the masses are planning to revolt against the Church of Coach, which makes Jesus sad.

Following Dawn's eviction, Jeff announced that this week would in fact be a double Tribal Council, with an Immunity Challenge to take place immediately. Sophie won her second Individual Immunity in a row in a series of true or false questions based on "surviving" off the land in the South Pacific. Whitney was then voted out, and she joined Dawn and Ozzy at Redemption Island.

Ranking the Survivors:

9. Whitney - Whitney was on to Coach's strategy as she noted, "Coach is running the show like he's Jesus...Obviously all seven (members of his alliance) can't go to the end. Cochran went to Harvard, Sophie is going to med-school. I can't believe how all these smart people can be so stupid.

"Thumbs-Up Coach" does not approve of Whitney's analysis...or for that matter, anyone else who questions authority.

8. Dawn - When Dawn got voted out, at least one member got in a little jab by writing "her" name down as "Don" given her masculine traits. Dawn is now one step away from going back home to Utah and reuniting with her son and four wives.
7. Ozzy - I have to rate Ozzy ahead of the the other two Redemption Island contestants, Dawn and Whitney. In fact, I wouldn't bet against Ozzy even if I knew that next week's Redemption Challenge was going to consist of playing country music or riding mountain bikes and going door to door to sell magazines.
6. Cochran - Cochran kind of reminds me of an insecure girlfriend in the way that he left his Savaii Tribe alliance for Upolu's. The insecure girlfriend leaves her original boyfriend at the first sign of attention from a new guy because she didn't like the way she was being treated. Then, when she realizes that she isn't the new guy's top priority despite having been told how pretty she was because the new guy lost interest after finally getting what he wanted, she starts making plans to go back to the old boyfriend with her tail beteween her legs. Let's just call Cochran "Hannah," hypothetically speaking of course.

5. Albert - Ultra religious and tribe leader Coach is beginning to worry about Albert for thinking on his own and questioning his commands. Ahh, the religious parallels...

4. Rick - Rick spoke again this week at the Redemption Challenge, where he was heard yelling, "Stay focused Jim." I find this interesting, because the only other time he spoke this season was when he yelled "good luck" at Christine at an earlier Redemption Challenge. Apparently there is something at Redemption Island makes the mustachioed cowboy a fucking wild man.

3. Russell's Nephew - So Russell's Nephew has a kid...

Dead fucking serious, this is an actual picture from Russell's Nephew's Survivor: South Pacific Facebook page. While the Hantz clan may not always use birth control, apparently they exercize their own form of "late term abortion" in Texas.

2. Edna - I actually think Edna is ideally suited to finish third is this game. She's just non-threatening enough to keep around until the end, but ultimately the top contestant will opt to take someone who is less likable and less respected for their game with them for the final vote, a/k/a Russell's Nephew.

1. Coach - In preparing for an eventual show-down with alliance member Albert coach said, "He's either trying to come up with a last second plan, or he's trying to come up with jury votes...Neither one of them is acceptable in my opinion...If either one of them wants to vote against 'The Five,' it's instant death."

NFL Picks Week 11: "Because Joe Paterno is living proof that you can get lung cancer second hand from pole smokers"

2011-11-18T10:40:00.000-08:00

Week 10 NFL Picks: 5-8
NFL results season to date: 72-64-7

Week 10 College Football results: 2-1-1
College Football results season to date: 19-21-2

Week 11 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

Thursday
New York Jets vs. Denver (New York Jets, road, -7) Tim Tebow and the Broncos finally escape the comfort of the AFC West and face a real defense.

Sunday
Tennessee vs. Atlanta (Tennessee, road, +6.5) Despite losing Kenny Britt to injury and CJ2K mentally, the Titans are not all that bad.
Buffalo vs. Miami (Buffalo, road, +2.5) So, are Dolphin fans comfortable with the fact that Matt fucking Moore might cost them Andrew Luck? It's time that Buffalo gets back to winning, and Miami gets back to losing.
Cincinnati vs. Baltimore (Baltimore, home, -7) I'm not sure the Bengals are ready to win a big game yet, especially on the road. The Ravens only seem to be able to win big games, especially when they're at home.
Jacksonville vs. Cleveland (Jacksonville, road, +1) Umm, no thanks? I think I like the Jaguars over the Browns in a 1-0 game.
Oakland vs. Minnesota (Minnesota, home, -1) Call me crazy, but I think Jared Allen and the Vikings defensive line will get all over Carson Palmer and the Raiders asses in a loud Metrodome.
Carolina vs. Detroit (Tennessee, road, +3.5) Take the points whenever the Panthers get them. I still think Detroit wins, but Carolina should be able to shut down Calvin Johnson, a/k/a Megatron, and keep this one close with Jahvid Best still unable to keep defenses honest due to lingering effects from a concussion.
Tampa Bay vs. Green Bay (Green Bay, home, -14) The Buccaneers have been huge disappointments this season, while the Packers still haven't yet set the bar on how high the point spread can go for them to cover.
Dallas vs. Washington (Dallas, road, -7.5) The emergence of Demarco Murray has allowed the Cowboys and Tony Romo to play conservatively, which is a good thing considering that he has the playmakers to make plays off of conservative calls instead of making him force things. On the other hand, Rex Grossman has to force things for the Pigskins to have any chance at winning, which is a bad thing.

In a side note, Washington TE Chris Cooley challenged Tony Romo to a fight earlier this season. He also tried to make a hillarious video spoofing Romo and Cowboy TE Jason Witten. I'm no Cowboy fan or Tony Romo apologist, but considering that the only "hillarious" thing about Cooley are the pictures of his penis that he "accidentally" posted on his blog, he and his white trash deuche bag in crime Colt Brennan might want to lay off the comedy and work a little harder on getting real jobs now that their cups of coffee in the NFL are all but over.

Fantasy Files from Tanner Cooley on Vimeo.

Arizona vs. San Francisco (Arizona, road, +9.5) I think the 49ers can shut down the Cardinals running game, but can they contain Larry Fitzgerald now that John Skelton is taking shots to him down field? I think Arizona keeps this one close...just a feeling.
Seattle vs. St. Louis (St. Louis, home, -1) Just when the Seahawks were starting to run the ball effectively, they lose two starting offensive linemen for the year. That should also help the Rams up and coming defensive line put significant pressure on Tavaris Jackson and force some turnovers.
Chicago vs. San Diego (Chicago, home, -3.5) The Chargers just don't seem to be in sync this year, and I can't see a road game against the Bears in November at Soldier Field being the spark that gets them to turn their season around.
Philadelphia vs. New York Giants (New York Giants, home, -4.5) I'm not sure I wouldn't take the Giants at -4.5 against the Eagles even if Michael Vick was certain to play. Since we still don't know Vick's status at this time, I'll take the Giants pass rush and power running game over Philly regardless of who their QB is.

Monday
New England vs. Kansas City (New England, road, -14.5) My gut tells me not to take the road team in night games such as this. My brain tells me that the Patriots varsity teams kicks the asses of their JV counterparts in the Chiefs, especially with Tyler Palko as their quarterback.

College Football's Top Games of the Week:

Nebraska vs. Michigan (Nebraska, road, +3.5) Now that they are in the BIG, Nebraska has firmly established an identity as a whiter version of the Wisconsin Badgers. With that said, the Cornhuskers (is that one word or two?) should still be able to keep Denard Robinson and the one dimensional Wolverines in check.

What are the two things that come from Ann Arbor? 1. Year after year the most overrated football team in America. 2. Ugly chicks.

Ohio State vs. Penn State (Penn State, road, +7) Ahh, the Scandal Bowl! Let's just say that there's no program in America happier that Penn State and Jerry Sandusky's Nittany "Loin" got busted for an underage sex scandal than the Ohio State Buckeyes, as covering up some free tattoos doesn't look nearly that bad when you compare it to keeping silent about your defensive coordinator wrestling small boys in the locker room shower with nothing but his penis. Despite the scandal, Penn State's chances of winning the B1G are not dead yet, and I don't think the Buckeyes will be able to score enough points to keep up with them. BTW, it's worth your time to check out this clip from this week's episode of South Park, in which they completely trashed Penn State. I don't know how those guys consistently knock out topical episodes in less than a week's time, but they always do.

Joe Paterno is living proof that you can get lung cancer second hand from pole smokers.

Kansas State vs. Texas (Kansas State, road, +9) K-State has done me right so far this year. I'll take the points against an overrated Longhorns team playing behind a back-up QB.

So let me get this straight....the University of Texas Cheerleaders wear chaps?...And they can get away with that on a college campus?

Oklahoma vs. Baylor (Oklahoma, road, -15.) I can't see the Bears having the talent to hang with the Sooners in this game. Afterall, they are a Southern Baptist University, so their talent pool must be pretty shallow, unless something shady is going on down in Waco...which their probably is given the unexpected success and recruiting exploits of their football and basketball teams.

So when I tried to find pictures of University of Oklahoma Cheerleaders, it turned out that the girls at Oklahoma State were just inherently hotter...sorry Sooners.

Blogging Survivor: South Pacific - "I'm not going to be aggressive...We're not like gangsters out here man."

2011-11-17T07:42:00.000-08:00

Things started off fairly tense given that Cochran betrayed his Savaii Tribe alliance when he voted with Upolu and blind-sided Keith.

When Ozzy calmly questioned Cochran about flipping, Russell's Nephew tried to intervene by saying, "I'm just trying to make sure that nobody's being aggressive with him," Ozzy responded by saying, "C'mon, I'm not going to be aggressive...we're not like gangsters out here man."

Jim, on the other hand, was not as cool. Right after Ozzy wished Cochran luck in the game, he jumped in and blurted, "Coward! You're a poor excuse for a man. Don't ever fucking talk to me again." While you question Cochran's decision making, and maybe his manhood, I have to admit it took some nuts to betray his entire tribe, so I don't think I'd call him a "coward."

Aspiring country music singer Whitney was not much more sympathetic or any less hostile. So you were the vote?...You realize Keith and I saved you three times...and that's what you fucking do? You got a lot to learn buddy. You disgust me." Suddenly I'm seeing a little more Gretchen Wilson in her career and a little less Taylor Swift.

At the Immunity Challenge, the first four players to toss a coconut into a ring moved on to a second round, where they had to crack open coconuts and then spitting the juice into a container until it reached a certain level. The final four contestants were Whitney, Dawn, Sophie and Jim, so three of them had a distinct advantage when it came to busting nuts and spitting out the creamy white liquid that came out. Unfortunately for Dawn, she is a devout Mormon...so had little practice in life to prepare herself for the challenge.

On the other hand, Jim attended the University of Michigan, so he had no problem tossing balls, busting nuts and spitting out the creamy goodness. He ended up winning the Immunity Necklace when Sophie swallowed her milk and vomited it back up just as she was about to hit her fill-line.

Jim went on to propose giving the necklace to Ozzy just before the vote at Tribal Council and making a last second plea for the Upolu Alliance to vote out Cochran instead since they wouldn't have a chance to discuss who to change their vote to.

At Tribal Council, Savaii's remaining members, or a least Jim, continued to attack Cochran for flipping alliances. Cochran rationalized his decision by saying, "I didn't mentally prepare for this for 11 years to have my fate decided by drawing a rock out of a bag. There's a reason why the last time people drew rocks was Season 4...That's not the essence of Survivor, it's about taking control of my own fate."

Jim responded by questioning Cochran's integrity, knowing that was an important factor to Upolu Tribe members like Coach and Brandon. "I saved Cochran in the First vote. I saved Cochran in the second vote. Keith, Whitney and I saved Cochran in the third vote. Then Ozzy saved him at Redemption Island...I've gotten to know the Upolu Tribe over the past couple days, and there's not a single one of them who would let someone fight their battles for them, and there's not a singe person among that tribe that would do something so dishonorable, in my opinion."

After his rant on playing honestly, Jim went back on his plan to give Ozzy the Immunity Necklace and kept it for himself instead. Ozzy made one last play to stay by pointing out that if he got sent to Redemption Island he'd be fishing for one person and not fourteen, allowing him to stock up on protein and regain his strength. "I hope to see all of you coming through there, and I'll make you a nice fish and send you on your way."

Ozzy was ultimately voted out, and he headed to Redemption Island where he immediately caught a 15 pound fish that he shared with Keith...Also, I'm also pretty sure that Ozzy's blurred out eviction vote read "Cockless" instead of Cochran, or at least something very similar.

With this week's episode featuring two Tribal Councils, the contestants were given the option of playing in the second Immunity Challenge or feasting on pastries and ice coffee until it ended. The only tribe mates who decided to compete were the former Savaii members Jim, Dawn and Whitney, with Whitney outlasting Dawn standing on a plank and balancing a ball on an arch.

Russell Hantz and Russell's Nephew both wearing Tap-Out/Affliction style t-shirts? Well at least we know they have Wal-marts in Texas.

Dawn gained the support of the Upolu when she said she'd compete as long as she could so they would be able to keep eating. That rubbed Albert the wrong way, who saw her trying to "eek" her way into their alliance. Russell's Nephew "tapped out" from eating too much, prompting Cochran to pat him and say, "You can rest your head on my shoulder..." just like any good prison bitch would.

At Tribal Council Dawn said, "I don't think I would have eaten the food today to be honest. I really did see this as one tribe, so that was hard for me to watch them eat." Russell's Nephew took exception when he replied, "I love you Dawn, but you told us you had wanted to stay up there as long as possible so we could eat...You just contradicted what you just said."

When Dawn interjected by saying that it was just hard for her to watch them eat since she was hungry but had to compete for Immunity in order to secure her own safety, Russell's Nephew said, "I'm don't buy it." That's why Savaii Tribe, excluding Cochran, is going to be picked off...We're trying to be nice about it, but sometime it just gets on your nerves...I can promise you Jeff, that none of us are going to stop until that whole Savaii Tribe is completely (hand gesture).

Despite Russell's Nephew's bizarre hostility towards Dawn, Jim was voted out and sent to Redemption Island by the rest of the Upolu Tribe, which has to be concerned with Russell's Nephew's inability to keep his mouth shut regarding their overall game strategy.

Ranking the Survivors:

10. Jim - The weakest competitor and least liked of the three former Savaii tribe members stuck at Redemption Island.
9. Keith - Keith probably has the best chance of taking Ozzy out at the Redemption Island, just so long as the Challenge doesn't involve swimming or climbing trees.
8. Ozzy - Ozzy on Redemption Island is kind of like the final episode of Lost. It's not in Purgatory, he's in Heaven. He can spear dive and climb coconut trees in peace without the pressure of having to think.
7. Dawn - She obviously needs to pay for saying it was "difficult" to compete as hard as she could and forgo food so Upolu's former tribe members could sit and eat pastries.
6. Cochran - He made a big move to go from in the mix with Ozzy as a strategic player in the Savaii Tribe, to the becoming most expendable member of the Upolu Alliance. I guess they don't teach logic at Harvard Law School. Cochran still needs to make another big move in this game in order to get numbers in his favor if he wants to make it to the final 2 or 3.
5. Albert - Given that he's probably the biggest physical threat in the game, the fact that he has his own opinions and is not necessarily willing to blindly vote out whoever Coach is targeting is probably not going to go over too well with The Dragon Slayer. Along with Cochran, I think Albert is in the most need of, and probably the most likely to make a big move in this game.
4. Rick - Pros, the only time he may have spoke all season long was when he told Christine "good luck" at her Redemption Challenge, only to have her promptly flip him off. Cons, he wears a cowboy hat and has a huge mustache...Wait, those are neither pros nor cons. Unfortunately, that's about all I have on this guy.
3. Russell's Nephew - Everyone wants to bring him along with them to the Finals, but his mouth might make him liability before he ever gets that chance.
2. Edna - The perfect mix of flying under the radar and not being a strong enough player to be a threat to anyone. An ideal candidate to take to the Finals in the event that Russell's Nephew is unable to fulfill his duties as Least Likely to Win.
1. Coach - People are buying into Coach as the leader of the Upolu alliance. Then again, Survivor is a lot like a horse race...you don't necessarily want to be in the lead early.

Blogging Survivor: South Pacific - "I should have stood up for Cochran sooner...I have a son who reminds me of him who has red hair"

2011-11-16T14:42:00.001-08:00

While last week's episode had ended with Ozzy volunteering to be voted out by his Savaii tribe mates so he could try to eliminate Christine at the Redemption Challenge, Cochran was not necessarily buying in to his role as a "double agent." "I think if anybody in this game is capable of being a double agent it's me...I've already been pretending like I like these people in my tribe through the last 18 days. I think I deserve an Academy Award for that performance - 'First you get the egomaniac returning player voted out, then you get his Idol, then you get the million dollars.'"

I kind of like Cochran's three-step plan to winning Survivor...at up until the part where he leaves out getting the sugar.

When he arrived at Redemption Island, Ozzy began to sell his story that he was blindsided by Cochran to Christine:

Christine: "What happened Ozzy?"
Ozzy: "Idol."
Christine: "Who had it?
Ozzy: "Guess."
Christine: "Cochran?"
Ozzy: "Yes, how'd you know!?!"

At that point Ozzy was starting to feel pretty good about the job he was doing on selling his story. "First step was getting myself voted out. Second step - getting her to believe that. Third step - beating her and getting the other tribe false information."

If Cochran and Ozzy could have a baby together, that child would be Eddie Rabbit.

Unfortunately for Ozzy and the rest of the Savaii Tribe, things didn't go as smoothly when Ozzy proactively volunteered how bitter he was about getting blindsided to the Upolu tribe members when they showed up to watch the Redemption Challenge. Or as Al said to Coach while shaking his head, "I don't buy it."

After Ozzy beat Dawn in a challenge that consisted of tying sticks together until they were long enough to reach sets of keys to unlock themselves, it was announced that the tribes would merge as Savaii had anticipated.

Coach wasted no time in calling Cochran out when he volunteered that he had been treated like shit by his Savaii tribe mates. "I feel like you guys are trying to play us, OK? You guys came up with a story, you guys sent Ozzy to Redemption Island, you got an Idol in your pocket, and knowing Ozzy would win Redemption, it was a risk, but you know Ozzy would win Redemption...We will not bend, we will vote six strong...There's a one if five chance you'll be drawing a black rock."

After calling a clearly rattled Cochran out and threatening to send him to the tie-breaker for elimination, Coach decided to Dr. Phil and reach out to him. "I've been made fun of my whole life. I might be the Dragon Slayer now, but I know what it feels like to be superior to people in one way, and they know it, so they try to find ways that you're inferior to cut you down. I now what that feels like man, and you have a chance to change the game for your self. There's a line in the sand - come across that line."

It seemed as if Coach's "come to the dark side" speech clearly made an impression on Cochran, who said, "What I took away from Coach is he's an incredibly intelligent guy. I've watched and always viewed him as this eccentric "Dragon Slayer" who talks about Wizards and King Arthur, but he's a smart guy."

It was easy for Coach to say the right things to manipulate Cochran after he found out he is actually Steve Smith from the TV show American Dad.

Cochran wasted no time in spilling the beans on Ozzy's plan when Sophie quizzed him and asked, "I just want to know if (Ozzy) volunteered?" When Cochran confirmed her suspicion Sophie said, "There was no illusion...the beans were pretty loose."

Cochran confided to his former Savaii tribe mate Dawn that the prospect of having to draw rocks in the event of a tiebreaker had him worried and that he was considering switching allegiances based upon the way he had been treated. Dawn then launched her Mormon mother of the year campaign when she sobbed "I should have stood up for Cochran sooner...I have a son who reminds me of him who has red hair!"

Based upon their equally "Redjudice" remarks, it sounds like Dawn and Prince Charles would have made the perfect couple. And just so Dawn knows, instead of sobbing on national television about how you feel bad for your son because he has red hair, the proper parental response is to buy him a weight set and teach him to make the first kid who tries to make fun of his hair cry by over escalating the confrontation and saying the one thing that everyone is thinking about him or his family, but is to afraid to say...It has the same effect as starting a fight on your first day in prison in that nobody is going to fuck with you from then on out.

And as for Prince Charles having been upset that his son was born a red, I'd like to remind him that it was actually Harry grew up to be the good looking one, while William ended up with his dad's receding hairline that he was able to parlay into a commoner as his Queen in waiting who has a whore for a sister that will embarrass the Royal Family for years to come.

Pippa Middleton is kind of like the UK's version of Bristol Palin, if only her mom had become President.

Alright, back to Survivor. The merged tribes agreed on "Te Tuna" as their new name, which according to Keith was apparently based upon a story of how the coconut came to be. The first Individual Immunity Challenge consisted of standing on a small perch while holding a coconut between two outstretched ropes and trying to keep it from falling. Dawn won immunity for women, while Ozzy won it for the men.

More importantly, we saw that Russell's Nephew had a spiderweb tattoo on his arm, meaning that he's either done time, is a white supremacist, or both.

Maybe Brandon Hantz just really liked that catch Spiderweb song by Gwen Steffani and No Doubt.

While Cochran did return Ozzy's Immunity Idol, he continued to make plans to switch his allegiance to the Upolu Tribe. Legitimately afraid that he might get beat-up by his former tribe mates, he asked Coach, "Where am I sleeping tonight?" Coach reassured him saying, "You're sleeping right between me and Edna, or you can sleep next to Sophie if you want - you have carte blanche." So I guess we can officially add "tribal pimp" to Coach's list of fake occupations.

Coach went on to explain, "I've convinced Cochran that...the weak will finally become strong, that the nerds will finally rise up to the bully and give them a bully beat-down." Alright, this is either another Biblical quote from Coach, or something like the fourth time that he's based his actions in this game upon a movie plot or scene from the 1980's or early 1990's. Either way, it's getting annoying.

Cochran and Coach have found an unexpected bond and alliance. Look for them to be surprisingly joined next season by Russell Hantz in Survivor Heroes and Villains II: In Paradise, which will be shot in Fort Lauderdale next year during spring break.

At Tribal Council, the former Upolu Tribe members confronted Ozzy about having the Immunity Idol and fabricating the story that he had been sent to Redemption Island after being blindsided by Cochran. Ozzy came clean when he said, "I do have the Idol, or rather, we do have the Idol."

Ozzy gave the Immunity Idol to Whitney after the vote based upon Jim's reverse logic that Upolu would target their weakest member knowing that Savaii could use Immunity Idols to protect their strongest members in Ozzy and either Keith or himself.

Unfortunately for Savaii, Jim overthought the matter (in addition to overestimating his strength as a player in the game) and they ended up wasting Ozzy's Idol on Whitney when Upolu voted for Keith. That lead to a 6-6 tie between he and Savaii's target, Rich. With Keith and Rich sitting out the re-vote, Cochran changed his vote to Keith, thereby sending him to Redemption Island.

When Cochran tried to immediately explain himself to his former Savaii tribe mates, Jim dismissed him by snarling, "Coward!" In a touching moment of humanity, much like when an injured infant falls into a guerrilla's cage, and the guerrilla ends up caring for it instead of eating it, Russell's Nephew came to Cochran's rescue by snapping back, "Don't talk to him like that, that's what you get for talking to people like that in the first place!"

Russell's Nephew then whispered "stay close to me" in Cochran's ear as a clearly tense Te Tuna Tribe walked out of their first Tribal Council following the merge...Which I think is the official prison way of informing Cochran who he was going to be sleeping next to.

NFL Picks - Week 10: Because Marc Sanchez needs to work on average before he can become an elite QB

2011-11-10T18:10:00.000-08:00

Week 9 NFL Picks: 9-5
NFL results season to date: 67-56-7

Week 9 College Football results: 3-1
College Football results season to date: 17-20-1

Week 10 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

Thursday
San Diego vs. Oakland (San Diego, home, -7) The Raiders are on the road in a short week. Phil Rivers and the Chargers showed some signs of life last week against Green Bay after a shaky first quarter.

Sunday
Pittsburgh vs. Cincinnati (Pittsburgh, road, -3) I'm tempted to go with the Bengals at home in this rivalry game, but they are such a young team I'm not sure that they will fully know what to expect.

A Steelers fan in a camouflage Roethlisberger? I think we've reached a new low.

Kansas City vs. Denver (Kansas City, home, -3.5) Is it just me, or does it seem like the Chiefs have played a crappy opponent just about every week over the past two seasons? Tim Tebow has yet another weak defensive match-up, although I'll give Chiefs the nod over the Broncos since this one's being played at Arrowhead.
Jacksonville vs. Indianapolis (Jacksonville, road, -3) These teams are equally inept at the quarterback position this season. However, unlike the Colts, the Jaguars have a strong running game and an emerging defense.
Dallas vs. Buffalo (Buffalo, road, +5.5) I keep hearing rumors that the Cowboys will give Felix Jones the staring RB job back when he returns from injury. If Jerry Jones insists on staying loyal to his fellow Razorback and former first round draft pick with an emerging star on his hands in Demarco Murray Cowboy fans should be irate. In fact, I'm starting to think that Jerry Jones is morphing into Al Davis since he passed away, kind of like the "lead bitch" position got passed around in the movie 'Heathers' whenever one of them died.
Houston vs. Tampa Bay (Tampa Bay, home, +3.5) The Buccaneers have not lived up to expectations this year, but I can't give up points with them at home against a Texans team that is looking like they will be without Andre Johnson for yet another week.
Carolina vs. Tennessee (Tennessee, road, +3.5) The Titans are not a sexy team, but they are halfway decent wit Matt Hasselbeck at quarterback. While I will admit that I was entirely wrong about Cam Newton, in fact, I'm actually starting to like the kid, I don't quite understand how the Panthers can be favored by 3.5 points in this game.
Miami vs. Washington (Washington, road, +4) Last week the Dolphins were winless, playing for the right to draft Andrew Luck with the #1 pick in next year's draft. Now, one win over a mediocre Kansas City team, and the Dolphins are actually favored? I'll happily take the Pigskins and the points in this game.
Arizona vs. Philadelphia (Philadelphia, home, -13.5) The Eagles and Michael Vick should finally be able to break out with the deep ball against the Cardinals secondary, while Arizona does not have the talent to take advantage of Philly's weak linebacking corps. The line on this one hasn't been set yet, but I'll take Philly giving anything from 13.5 points and less.
New Orleans vs. Atlanta (Atlanta, home, +1) The Saints have historically struggled stopping Michael Turner and the Falcons inside running game. The interior of their defensive line is once again a weakness for New Orleans, so I can't see the Falcons losing this game at home.
Cleveland vs. St. Louis (St. Louis, road, +3) The Browns haven't been able to take advantage of the league's easiest schedule. The Rams might be starting to turn the corner now that Sam Bradford is starting to get healthy and learn Josh McDaniel's new offense.
Chicago vs. Detroit (Chicago, home, -3) Jay Cutler called out the Lions for not being able to play outside of a dome. With rain and win expected in Chicago this weekend, and given the way Detroit has struggled to contain Matt Forte in recent years, and he might be on to something. I still look for this to be a low scoring game.
Baltimore vs. Seattle (Baltimore, road, -7) The Ravens have been Jeckyl and Hyde this year. At time they have looked like an elite team, and at others they have struggled against inferior opponents. This is a true test for them having the travel across the country to play the Seahawks. I think the Ravens defense should be able to shut down Marshawn Lynch and the Seattle running game, rendering them one dimensional behind a quarterback who can't throw.
San Francisco vs. New York Giants (New York Giants, road, + 3.5) I'm still not sold on the 49'ers. Alex Smith will need to prove that he can avoid the Giants pass rush and take advantage of their beat-up secondary. If he can do that, I'll be a believer.
New York Jets vs. New England (New England, road, +1) This week a caption in USA Today asked whether Marc Sanchez was poised to take the next step and become an "elite" quarterback. I think he needs to take the step from mediocre to average before he ever thinks about the word elite.

Monday
Green Bay vs. Minnesota (Green Bay, home, -14) If the Vikings can't generate a pass rush and get to Aaron Rodgers early, I can't see them scoring enough points to even hang close at Lambeau Field.

College Football's Top Games of the Week:

Oregon vs. Stanford (Oregon, road, -3.5) It's time to find out if Andrew Luck and the Cardinal are for real. Until they prove themselves, I'm going to go with the established program and the points over the big time quarterback and an unestablished program.

I'm staring to worry that Oregon's cheerleaders are going to start going "one and done," because they look ready to turn "professional" if you ask me.

Nebraska vs. Penn State (Nebraska, road, -3) I can't believe that Penn State is actually playing in this game after. Not that I expected them to forfeit, I just always thought that it would have been Notre Dame caught up in a sex scandal involving young boys.
Georgia vs. Auburn (Auburn, road, +13) So is it proper southern etiquette for opposing schools buy Mark Richt a farewell present as he makes his final appearances in the SEC as coach for the Bulldogs? If so, does he have to return them when he Ole Miss recycles him and hires him as their head coach for next season?

Former Bulldog QB Mathew Stafford seems to be doing pretty well with his cheerleader girlfriend and her implants.

Virginia Tech vs. Georgia Tech (Virginia Tech, road, -1) The Yellow Jackets are just too one dimensional with their triple option run offense to stay with the Hokies.

This girl is neither one dimensional nor a Ramblin' Wreck.

NFL Picks - Week 9: "Because Peyton Hillis just needs to knock it off"

2011-11-04T23:03:00.000-07:00

Week 8 NFL Picks: 6-8
NFL results season to date: 58-51-7

Week 8 College Football results: 1-2-1
College Football results season to date: 14-19-1

Week 9 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

Atlanta vs. Indianapolis (Atlanta, road, -7) The Colts are going to get a healthy dose of Michael Turner. Even if they are successful in stopping him, the Falcons should still be able to successfully throw the ball.
New Orleans vs. Tampa Bay (Tampa Bay, road, +8.5) The Buccaneers seem to have the Saints number of late, and they've proven that they can win in New Orleans the last two seasons.
Houston vs. Cleveland (Houston, home, -11) The Browns are pretty much down to Peyton Hillis at running back. Unfortunately, Hillis has pretty much decided that he's not going to try until the Browns give him a long term contract, which isn't coming anytime soon considering that he's a white running back who couldn't even break the two-deep depth chart on his college team. He even went as far as skipping out on a charity event this week that he had committed to without even having the courtesy of cancelling or having a good excuse. Needless to say, Cleveland is going to need Colt McCoy to throw the ball in this game in order to win, which doesn't bode well for the Browns.
Buffalo vs. New York Jets (New York Jets, road, +1.5) The Bills are at home and are a much improved team. I just don't think that Ryan Fitzpatrick will be able to throw against the Jets secondary.
Kansas City vs. Miami (Kansas City, home, -4) While I'm not ready to say that the Chiefs have put things together after a horrendous start considering that their recent win streak has come against a handful of bottom dwellers and a Norv Turner coached team, their one and a half year deal with the Devil for the easiest schedule in the NFL continues this week with a date against the Dolphins.
San Francisco vs. Washington (San Francisco, road, -3.5) Rex Grossman is probably good enough to win 50% of the time, while the other 50% of the time he looks absolutely terrible. The conservative John Beck probably won't ever look as bad as Grossman, but he sure as hell hasn't proven that he can do enough to win any games at the NFL level...So yes, If I'm a Pigskins fan, I'm calling for Rex Grossman to start this week against the 49'ers, even if it does end ugly.
Dallas vs. Seattle (Seattle, road, +12) The Seahawks just don't seem to have it without a functional quarterback this season. I look for Matt Barcley to reunite with Pete Carroll next year. The Cowboys should be able to take advantage of a thin Seahawks secondary and put this game out of reach relatively early.
Oakland vs. Denver (Oakland, home, -9) Tim Tebow's only chance of success is with run options, bubble screens, and misdirection passes. The Lions proved last week that you can win if you take those plays away and make Tebow read his progressions and try to beat you down field, which is something that Tebow has pretty much proven that he is incapable of doing.
Tennessee vs. Cincinnati (Cincinnati, road, +3) It's time to jump on the Bengals bandwagon, as they're an up and coming team with an easy schedule. I can't see the Titans running on their defense, and Tennessee's passing game is not necessarily their strong suit. Gimme the points in this one.
Arizona vs. St. Louis (St. Louis, road, +3.5) Sam Bradford should be back for the Rams, while John Skelton will be starting for the Cardinals in place of the ~~benched~~ injured Kevin Kolb. It's officially time to put Arizona in the mix in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes...Thankfully for Cardinals fans, they packaged DRC and second round pick to get Kolb instead of giving up their first rounder in 2012.
New England vs. New York Giants (New England, home, -9) The Patriots and the Giants have two of the worst secondaries in all of football aside from the Rams. Look for both teams to air the ball out and run up the points. The Giants just have too many injuries with Ahmad Bradshaw, Hakeem Nicks and Jason Pierre-Paul all likely to miss this game due to injury.

I was equally as infatuated when a cheerleader I used to like in high school used to do this...I'm just a little gayer now.

Green Bay vs. San Diego (Green Bay, road, -6) I was initially going to go with the Chargers expecting a post bye week let-down game from the Packers, but from all accounts that I've heard, Green Bay is zoned in and fully ready for this game.
Baltimore vs. Pittsburgh (Baltimore, road, +3.5) Even though the Pittsburgh defense has been stellar at home, there's no way that I'm betting against the Ravens with this spread considering: a) they kicked the Steelers asses up and down the field in week one; b) the Steelers have 3 of 4 of their starting linebackers likely out for this game (including James Harrison and Lamarr Woodley); and c) the Steelers defense hasn't been able to generate many sacks or turnovers even when they had their star players all playing at once.

Monday
Philadelphia vs. Chicago (Chicago, road, +8) I'm not convinced that the Eagles have turned the corner just because they've won back to back games against struggling teams at Washington and at home against Dallas. I still expect the Eagles to win at home on Monday Night Football, but the Bears should put up a pretty good fight behind Matt Forte, who will be going against one of the worst linebacking corps in all of football.

College Football's Top Games of the Week:

LSU vs. Alabama (Alabama, home, -4.5) I love Alabama's defense overall, while LSU may have the best secondary in recent college football history. While LSU's offense plays pretty conservative and doesn't turn the ball over, I just don't have enough faith their quarterback situation that they will be able to make enough plays to overcome the Crimson Tide's "Game of the Century" type pressure on the road.

Even Alabama's band chicks are pretty damn good looking!

Don't get me wrong, while I think most women from Louisiana are pretty hot, this wanna be LSU Tiger Cheerleader is just a ~~hot~~ mess.

Oklahoma State vs. Kansas State (Kansas State, road, +21) I think this will be a shootout with Kansas State being able to keep up with Oklahoma State for the most part, or at least within 21 points worth.
Arkansas vs. South Carolina (Arkansas, home, -5) Steve Spurrier is kind of like Jenny McCarthy. Really hot 15 years ago, not too bad now, but you have to be pretty desperate to put up with all the baggage that comes attached. Aside from losing to Georgia, the Gamecocks haven't played a good team yet this year. I like Arkansas in this one.

Jenny McCarthy should just put the wiener in her mouth, vaccinate her kids, and shut the fuck up.

Oregon vs. Washington (Oregon, road, -16.5) The Huskies are better this year, but they're still no match for the Ducks.

Because pictures of the Oregon Cheerleaders never get old...especially when they're getting all hairband on that ass!

Check out live NFL games on your computer at http://www.watchlivenfl.com/

Blogging Survivor: South Pacific - "I don't know how well I can pull off the whole, I'm industractable so you better be shaking in your boots...you stupid bitch."

2011-11-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

The Redemption Challenge featured Mikayla going against four time winner Christine in a race to assemble a plank bridge, and then turn those planks over in order to solve a puzzle once it had been assembled. As the cowboy hat wearing mustached guy yelled advice to help Mikayla with her puzzle, Jeff openly noted how she and Mikayla were both from the Upolu Tribe.

After Christine won the Redemption Duel, Ozzy noted how she would likely re-join the Upolu Tribe following the merge, which would give them numbers. As a result, he brought up the possibility of volunteering to be voted out so he could defeat her in next week's Redemption Challenge in order to keep numbers in their favor following the suspected merge. The other option he was considering in order go home in the most humiliating fashion possible was just giving Parvati his Immunity Idol, even though she's not even a contestant in this season's game.

At least Eric got charmed out of his Immunity Idol and sent home by a beautiful woman. If Ozzy goes home next week, his beneficiary will be a dude named Cochran, who can apparently suck the meat right off the bone.

At the Savaii Tribe Coach sat in the ocean and prayed, "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy father." He then staged a "snipe hunt" with Russell's Nephew, Rick and Edna to find the hidden Immunity Idol, who were the only members of the Upolu Tribe in the dark that he had already found it.

Coach's prayer went something like this.

Sophie, who was in the know that Coach had the Idol, did not necessarily go along with his religious hypocrisy. "I find Coach to be a little more questionable when he actually is the one saying...'Dear God, help us find the Idol, when he knows he has it in his pocket. I get a little bit of an icky feeling.'" Of course, an "icky feeling" is exactly what every adolescent should feel whenever someone they call "Coach" or say prayers with gets mentioned in the same breath as "in his pocket."

On the other hand, when Coach came back five minutes later claiming that he found the Idol, Russell's Nephew was all smiles. "We found the Idol not even five minutes after we got done prayin'...It's definitely an advantage havin' the big buy upstairs on your tribe!" Let's just say that if atheists were trying to undermine faith and highlight the hypocrisies of religion, Coach very well might be their perfect mole...that is aside from Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggert, Lonnie Frisbie and Tim Tebow. I'm placing odds at 50/50 on Russell's Nephew getting charged with a sex crime after returning home to watch this season's episodes and realizing that his closest confidant actually used his new found faith to manipulate him.

At the Immunity Challenge, the Tribes each designated a pair of players to navigate an obstacle course while blindfolded, and another pair to serve as callers to help them find their way. Savaii lost when Cochran ended up panicking as caller, which caused Ozzy to throw a Real World style tantrum where he began kicking and throwing things...only his wasn't caused by three straight weeks of weed, hard alcohol, and underlying daddy issues.

For the victorious Upolu Tribe, Coach immediately organized a team prayer by demanding his teammates to get "On your knees," which frankly is a command that I would have probably expected to come from Russell's Nephew instead of Coach, especially since there were women involved.

Upolu did get to go to a screening of the movie Jack and Jill and eat movie theatre food like hot dogs, nachos and candy as a reward for winning, although it was probably not worth the explosive diarrhea they had to endure as a result...plus all the junk food that they ate probably didn't help their stomachs much either.

At least it's good to see that Mayim Bialik getting steady work these days.

Back at the Savaii Tribe, Ozzy continued to blame Cochran for their loss. "I don't understand why it was so difficult. I hate to say it, but Cochran, you lost it for us."

Cochran rightfully feared that his performance had caused Ozzy to go back on his pledge to volunteer himself for elimination. "Ozzy assured me that in the event that we lost, Ozzy would say 'send me to Redemption Island,' but after I blew the challenge it seemed like that plan went out the window. I knew immediately that I was the next target. I really did feel like crying, but I just stayed as strong as I could," which for some reason reminds me of my Prom date.

The Savaii Tribe tried to rationalize the decision to vote out Cochran, yet keep him on their side in the event that he made it to the merger. Ozzy even tried to coach him up to be a bad ass when he said, "You're gonna make it so palpable that Christine's gonna be like, crap, that's it, I'm done," to which Cochran deadpanned, "I don't know how well I can pull off the whole like, I'm indestructible so you better be shaking in your boots...you stupid bitch." Seriously, each week Cochran is reminding me more and more of the real life version of the character "Sheldon" from Big Bang Theory.

After further reflection and waking up from a dream, Ozzy re-declared that he would lend his tribe his Immunity Idol and volunteer himself to go to Redemption Island in order to try and eliminate Christine. The cowboy hat wearing mustache guy was apparently not impressed, as he declared, "The biggest deal is if we have another challenge, and we're down Ozzy, and all of a sudden Dawn is our third guy and Cochran's our fourth guy," which I think was his way of declaring that Dawn is ahead of Cochran in his "Brokeback" pecking order if he ever got the chance to mount one of the two.

At Tribal Council, when Jeff Probst began by wondering why Savaii would vote Cochran off to Redemption Island and still expect him to come back and be loyal to them following the merge. Ozzy then announced that he was going to voluntarily go to Redemption Island in order to make a "ballsy" move, much to Jeff's surprise. He also revealed that he was going to tell Christine that Cochran had blindsided him and the the rest of the tribe by finding the Idol and playing it, which would allow Cochran to act as a double agent of sorts after the merge.

When Jeff told Ozzy that if his plan didn't work he'd "go out a bigger fool than last time (when he had an Immunity Idol in his pocket but didn't play it)," Ozzy did a 360 and said, "Umm, I think I change my mind - I think I'm going to let Cochran go to Redemption Island," as he stood up during his final chance to play the Immunity Idol.

Unfortunately, Ozzy said he was just kidding and he stayed true to his word, which turned what could have been one of Survivor's all time great blind-sides into one of the the game's worst strategic moves ever, especially considering that he had no need to make himself a sacrificial lamb with an Idol in his pocket heading into the merge since Christine was already 100% ready to turn against her former Upolu Tribe mates. Jeff concluded the show by saying, "You just made one of the biggest moves in the history of the game based on one big assumption - that the merge is next."

NFL Picks - Week 8: "Because not even God will be able to help Tim Tebow this week"

2011-10-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

Week 7 NFL Picks: 5-7-1
NFL results season to date: 52-43-7

Week 7 College Football results: 2-3
College Football results season to date: 13-17

Week 8 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

Tennessee vs. Indianapolis (Tennessee, home, -9) The Colts porous run defense gives Chris Johnson the perfect opportunity to get on track now that he is slowly working himself back into shape after not diligently exercising during his holdout.
Houston vs. Jacksonville (Jacksonville, road, +9.5) Andre Johnson is a game time decision, Mario Williams is out for the season, and it looks like the Texans will also be without their two starting safeties for this game. The question is whether or not rookie quarterback Blaine Gabbert will be able to exploit those absences for the Jaguars.
Carolina vs. Minnesota (Minnesota, road, -2) The Vikings actually looked markedly improved last week behind rookie quarterback Christian Ponder. Fellow rookie quarterback Cam Newton for the Panthers will face his toughest test yet in the pocket as he tries to avoid defensive ends Jared Allen and Brian Robison for Minnesota.
Cleveland vs. San Francisco (San Francisco, home, -9) The 49ers front seven should be able to shut the Browns running game down to minimal yards per carry, even if they do try to rush the ball thirty plus timea. If Cleveland is put in a position where Colt McCoy is forced to throw, and I think they will be, the Browns and their inept receivers will be in big, big trouble.
New Orleans vs. St. Louis (St. Louis, road, -13.5) It is looking as if Rams quarterback Sam Bradford will miss yet another game due to injury. If that's the case, look for the Saints to blowout the Rams just like they destroyed the Colts last week.
Detroit vs. Denver (Detroit, road, -3) Tim Tebow was handed an absolute dream scenario last week when he got his first start of the season against the imploding Miami Dolphins. This week will be an absolute nightmare for him as he goes against an absolutely nasty front seven for the Lions, who should be able to take away his running game and mis-direction screen passes and make him read their defense, go through his progressions, and throw the traditional NFL passes like the 10-15 yard out that most scouts agree he is incapable of making. I look for Detroit to shut-up all the Tebow zealots in the Mile High City once and for all.

I think Tim Tebow's mom taking this whole religion thing with her son just a little too far.

Baltimore vs. Arizona (Baltimore, home, -13) If the Cardinals could not hang close to the Steelers at home last week, I think they'll have an even harder time against the Ravens defense on the road this week. I also look for the Ravens to bounce back offensively after they shit the bed on a national stage against the Jaguars on MNF last week.
New York Giants vs. Miami (New York Giants, home, -10) I don't see any possible way that the Dolphins can play with the Giants on the road. The Dolphins have apparently sent out feelers as to Bill Cowher's availability, which now marks the second time in one year that the organization has not so secretly sought out a replacement for coach Tony Sporano while he is still under contract. If I'm GM Jeff Ireland, I have to feel like I'm hiring my own hit man given that a coach like Cowher would obviously demand control of player personnel in addition to taking over head coaching duties.
Buffalo vs. Washington (Buffalo, home, -6) The Pigskins should be able to run against the Bills, but I just don't trust John Beck to do enough passing the football with a depleted receiving corps to keep Washington in this game on the road.
New England vs. Pittsburgh (Pittsburgh, home, +3) While both teams have terrible defenses, the Steelers have a surprisringly strong secondary. With a high powered offense of their own, I think that the Steelers will be able to keep pace with the Patriots at home, as New England lacks the pass rush to take advantage of the Steelers weakness at offensive tackle.
Cincinnati vs. Seattle (Seattle, home, +3) The Bengals have been much better than I ever expected, I just can't gamble on a rookie quarterback traveling across the country and giving points to a team that has been one of the better teams at home in the NFL over the past five or so years. If you don't believe me, just ask Drew Brees and his Saints how they fared against a clearly inferior Seahawks team on the road in last year's playoffs.
Philadelphia vs. Dallas (Dallas, road, +3.5) Dallas should be able to run the ball against the Eagles, which is probably the best strategy to neutralize their home field advantage. Look for the Cowboys defense to shut down the Eagles running game and make Michael Vick throw while moving backwards instead of running forward.

Monday
San Diego vs. Kansas City (Sand Diego, road, -3.5) Kansas City has brought themselves back up to .500 after an 0-3 start, but they have done so against three of the worst teams in the league. While Norv Turner, Phil Rivers and the Chargers seem to lack the killer instinct to be an elite team, they are still too talented not to beat the Chiefs convincingly, even on the road on a Monday night.

College Football's Top Games of the Week:

Nebraska vs. Michigan State (Michigan State, road, +4) Not only should the Spartans be able to establish their running game against the Cornhuskers, but their defense should be able to shut down Taylor Martinez and Nebraska's running game given their stout defensive line and speedy linebackers. The only wildcard in this game is Michigan State's first road trip to Lincoln for a Big1G game, but I still think that Sparty relies on their superior talent and beats Nebraska rather easily in this game.
Oklahoma vs. Kansas State (Oklahoma, road, -14) I just don't think that Kansas State has the defense to prevent Oklahoma's offense from scoring at will, which will make Bill Snyder's offense play a perfect game if they even want to stay close to the Sooners.
Georgia vs. Florida (Florida, neutral, -3) I think Gator quarterback Mike Brantley's return makes the difference in the World's Biggest Cocktail Party...Well, that and Mark Richt of the Bulldogs being one of the worst X's and O's coaches in all of college football. I have a strong feeling that Mike Peterson of Boise State is going to be getting a call from Athens shortly after the conclusion of this season.
Stanford vs. USC (Stanford, home, -8) The Trojan defense has given up far too many points to mediocre teams this season to convince me that they stand any chance of slowing down Andrew Luck and the Cardinal high efficiency offense.
Check out live NFL games on your computer at http://www.watchlivenfl.com/

Blogging Survivor - South Pacific: "The next challenge is absolutely detrimental to the way this game turns out."

2011-10-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

This week's episode began with Ozzy declaring that he was a "free agent" after members of his alliance went behind his back and voted out his closest ally Elyse. "It's 'against me' when you don't tell me something very crucial like that." When Dawn shot back by saying, "Give me a break Ozzy, there's stuff you're withholding and you know it," Ozzy blurted out, "I have the idol, how 'bout that?"

In response to Ozzy's meltdown Jim said, "He revealed he had the idol and announced he was a free agent...the guy couldn't have made any worse moves." Cochran took things a bit further when he said that Ozzy was "behaving like a stupid bitch," which is kind of like the alpha male getting emasculated by an effeminate guy...only when I say "kind of like," I really mean that's exactly what happened...bitch.

At the Upolu Tribe, Russell's Nephew continued to look for the hidden Immunity Idol, not yet aware that his closest friend Coach had already found it. "I talked to (Russell's Nephew) about playing this game as Christian men, and we are going to do that, but is withholding information lying? It's a 'grey area.'" I always thought that the "grey area" is the term that the Catholic church had officially reserved for any references to a twelve-year-old boy's butthole, but I guess it can be used anytime that one's religious beliefs conflict with their personal desires.

Is this "thumbs-up Jesus" or "thumbs-up Coach?" Either way, they are both down with the "grey area."

At the Redemption Challenge, sweet and pretty Elyse squared off against angry and bitter Christine in a game of shuffleboard. Christine not only remained undefeated in Redemption Island challenges, but she also managed to flip-off the mustached cowboy hat wearing guy (which is a redundant statement, since all Cowboy hat wearing guys have mustaches), in what very well might have been his first real on camera appearance of the season...In fact, I'm not entirely convinced that mustached cowboy hat wearing guy isn't a just CBS crew-member who accidentally got on camera as opposed to an actual Survivor - South Pacific contestant.

The Immunity Challenge required the two tribes to navigate a maze, and then build a slingshot to shoot coconuts at targets. Savaii won when Mikayla shot one-handed as opposed to two-handed, and then refused to change her strategy even after missing all of her targets.

Mikayla's failure to listen to Coach's request to let someone else shoot in her place infuriated him. "It's Mikayla's fault we lost. I gave her direction and she wouldn't take it...If I'm going to Coach this team, I need for people in the heat of battle to listen to me. She's a problem, Mikayla should go home." Of course, Coach's comments were just a wee bit arrogant given that he's not a real coach like ex-Survivor Nicaragua contestant Jimmy Johnson was, nor was he ever even asked to lead the Upolu Tribe. In fact, while Coach started out strong in the game when he was able to dial down his ego a little bit, his true personality is really starting to come out in "the heat of the battle," which is ultimately going to lead to his downfall.

Sorry Benjamin, soccer doesn't count. Jimmy Johnson is still the only real "coach" to participate in Survivor.

At Upolu, the tribe wanted to vote out Edna except for Coach and Russell's Nephew. While Russell's Nephew declared that he no longer had any hard feelings for Mikayla (which is obviously not a statement meant to be taken literally), and that she was the better competitor than his alliance member Edna, it was due to his spirituality and word to his initial alliance (and not the fact that he's a registered sex offender) that was going to once again vote against Mikayla this week. "I want to be a radical for God when it comes to doin' right, doin' good man. So I would rather vote Edna out of this tribe today, but I'm not going to because because I am my word."

Russell's Nephew seems to have come to grips with his troubled past after he found the denomination of Christianity that was officially endorsed by the state of Texas.

At Tribal Council, Russell's Nephew channelled his inner George W. Bush when he declared, "The next challenge is absolutely detrimental to the way this game turns out." He followed that up by saying, "It's funny, because nowadays people get the misconception that we can tell a half lie or a little bit of a lie - oh it's just a game, oh it's just a cigarette, oh it's just a little bit of marijuana - that's just lasciviousness."

Actually, Russell's Nephew would have used the word lasciviousness (meaning "expressing lust") correctly if he had said "Oh I just raped her a little bit," which not so coincidentally would have been the logical choice if we were trying to guess the next phrase in the chronological sequence of statements he used to describe his typical Saturday nights in Katy, Texas. In fact, I'm convinced that Russell's Nephew's use/misuse of a big word like "lasciviousness" was so out of character with his normal vocabulary that he either learned it from a court ordered psychiatrist or Tony Romo.

By the end of Tribal Council, Russell's Nephew became so self righteous about staying true to his word and character (even though he blatantly lied to his tribe and alliance on numerous occasions in order to vote Mikayla out) he actually said, "vote me out today if we're going to play disloyal...character - you'll live with for the rest of your life." Unfortunately for Mikayla, she was sent to Redemption Island in a 4-3 vote, while I am left to hope that she wins the Redemption Challenge next week and Russell's Nephew is voted off and joins her alone on a secluded island, which would probably play out like Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to fend off the alien hunter in the movie Predator.

Survivor - South Pacific contestant Mikayla Wingle - wearing ho-pants while leaning on a trailer park stripper pole.

NFL Picks - Week 7: Because Jay Cutler does not like Mike Martz

2011-10-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

Week 6 NFL Picks: 6-4-2
NFL results season to date: 47-36-6

Week 6 College Football results: 2-2
College Football results season to date:11-14

Week 7 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

Chicago vs. Tampa Bay (Tampa Bay, home, +1) Now who would have ever guessed that Jay Cutler and Mike Martz would clash? Seriously, when you get the worst play caller in the league sending in plays to the quarterback with the worst body language in the league, would you expect anything less than a disapproving head-shake from Cutler before he yelled to the sidelines, "TELL MARTZ I SAY FUCK HIM!" I have a feeling that things in Chicago are not going to end well this year.

I feel like Jay Cutler is the Spalding from the movie Caddyshack to Mike Martz's Judge Smails... "YOU WILL TAKE MY PLAY AND LIKE IT!"

Carolina vs. Washington (Washington, road, +3) Carolina is finally favored in a game, which is throwing off my whole betting strategy of taking the Panthers whenever they get points. I think as long as John Beck plays error free football, the Pigskins should be able to successfully run against the Panthers defense and cover the spread.
San Diego vs. New York Jets (San Diego, road, -2) The Jets just aren't getting it done on defense anymore. Furthermore, I'm pretty sure that Rex Ryan awoke Norv Turner from his annual first half coma when he said that he would have won a couple of Super Bowls by now had he been hired by the Chargers instead of Turner.
Cleveland vs. Seattle (Seattle, road, +3) I really don't know where to go with this one. If you are betting on this game, you might have a gambling problem.
Tennessee vs. Houston (Houston, road, +3) Andre Johnson probably won't be back for the Texans, so neither quarterback will have their favorite target to throw to. Right now, I guess I like the Texans running game better than the Titans running game, with everything else being fairly equal.
Miami vs. Denver (Denver, road, +1.5) I think Tim Tebow is terrible, and has little shot at being successful in the NFL. With that being said, could there be a better scenario for him than getting his first start of the season against the hapless Dolphins? This is a no win situation for the Broncos front office. It's pretty clear that John Elway and John Fox have no desire to move forward with Tebow as their quarterback of the future. If I was the Broncos front office, I think I would have saved Tebow's first start until the Detroit game in week 8, let him get his ass kicked by their defensive line and throw 4 interceptions, and then declare that the kid just doesn't fit their system. Now, if he plays remotely well against a team that has already given up on their season, it will only fuel the flame for the crazy Tebow zealots out there. And much like he did in the Josh McDaniel era, GM Brian Xander is not only just standing around letting this happen, but he just traded their best receiver (for the second time in 2 years) for a late round draft pick that they'll never get equal value for.
Detroit vs. Atlanta (Atlanta, road, +3.5) While I do look for the Lions to rebound after last week's controversial loss to the 49ers, the Falcons are ideally suited to neutralize the Lions aggressive defensive line with trap plays to a powerful interior running game.

Jim Schwartz IS an American Badass!

Oakland vs. Kansas City (Oakland, home, -4.5) Kansas City has temporarily righted their ship in their last two games, but those games were against the Vikings and the Colts, two of the worst teams in the league. Unless Carson Palmer comes out and turns the ball over 3 times, which is entirely possible, the Raiders should be able to coast by on their running game. By the way, while Al Davis may have passed, it's good to see that his legacy lives on, with the Raiders organization giving up not one, but potentially TWO first round picks for a quarterback who simply can't play in the NFL anymore. Hell, the Vikings probably would have paid the Raiders to take Donovan McNabb off their hands, and Carson Palmer is no better McNabb is at this point in his career.
Pittsburgh vs. Arizona (Pittsburgh, road, -3.5) Pittsburgh travels to Arizona to take on "Iron City Light," with ex-Steeler coordinator Kent Wisenhunt running the show for the Cardinals. Unfortunately, the Cardinals have no defense and no running game, but at least they're similar to the Steelers in that they have no offensive line.
Dallas vs. St. Louis (St. Louis, road, +13) Dallas isn't the type of team that I feel comfortable laying 13 points to anybody, but with A.J. Feeley looking more and more like he'll be leading Josh McDaniel's ridiculously complex offense, I guess I'll have to gamble on Tony Romo, which is kind of like sleeping a stripper...when you wake up in the morning your money's gone and you feel a little dumber about your life decisions, but at least you can blame the first time on having had too much to drink.
Green Bay vs. Minnesota (Green Bay, road, -9) This one's going to be a blowout. Minnesota has no way of stopping the Packers on defense, and their offense will be unable to keep up with rookie quarterback Christian Ponder making his first NFL start.
New Orleans vs. Indianapolis (Indianapolis, road, +14) The Colts continue to lose, but the also continue to keep things just close enough. This is the classic match-up of a team that you never expect to cover but always does, playing against a team that you always expect to cover but never does.

Monday
Baltimore vs. Jacksonville (Baltimore, road, -8) There is less excitement and a smaller crowd predicted for Monday Night Football in Jacksonville than there is for Tim Tebow's first start of the year in Miami.

College Football's Top Games of the Week:

Wisconsin vs. Michigan State (Michigan State, home, +8) The Badgers have struggled over the past decade at Michigan State. This year the Badgers play their first true road game of the year in East Lansing in a rare night game for Sparty. There's a reason that the MSU administration does not like to play night games unless they are on being paid to be on national TV, and let's just say that reason involves alcohol. Throw in a 9 a.m. start with ESPN's College Gameday in town, and the Spartan home crowd should be drunk and hostile.
Stanford vs. Washington (Washington, road, +21) The Huskies are a better team without first round draft pick Jake Locker. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if they pulled the upset here.
LSU vs. Auburn (Auburn, road, +21) It's sad how LSU is a prime National Title Contender on paper this year, yet their players are abusing their status and running amok on campus instead of concentrating on playing football. Auburn is not a great team this year, but they should benefit from the distractions going on in Baton Rouge this week that lead to the suspension of several high profile Tiger players.
Alabama vs. Tennessee (Tennessee, road, +29.5) With Lane Kiffin gone, Alabama has no reason to run up the score in a rivalry game where the underdog Volunteers are getting an amazing 29.5 points.
Notre Dame vs. USC (USC, road, +8.5) Notre Dame is actually a pretty good football team now that they have made the decision to go with Tommy Rees at quarterback, although USC looks like they are slowly starting to gel.

Check out live NFL games on your computer at http://www.watchlivenfl.com/

Blogging Survivor - South Pacific: "I don't put myself in a position where I'm playing soccer."

2011-10-19T16:11:00.000-07:00

So, this week's episode began with yet another bizarre rant by Russell's Nephew, who for some reason was upset when Mikayla stated that she felt threatened by him at the previous Tribal Council. "The way that Mikalya answered Jeff's questions when he asked what she doesn't like about me...it was pretty prejudiced. The way she handled that shows that she had very little class...(he starts crying...again) These are real people out here. They got feelin's...I don't care what people think about me. It don't matter. I'm a good person, I'm a good guy."

Of course, Russell's Nephew would probably gain more sympathy if he hadn't neglected to add the part where he lied to his tribemates in order to get Mikayla evicted at the first Tribal Council simply because she emits the rape pheromone. And by the way, if Russell's Nephew really doesn't care what people think about him, then why is he always standing by himself crying like a little bitch on my television every week? Who does he think he is, "The Situation?"

At Redemption Island, the Elimination Challenge featured Stacey going against Christine. Stacey and Christine's challenge consisted of running a number of balls down a spiral course simultaneously and then catching them before they fell to the ground. However, Stacey failed to space out her drops properly, which allowed Christine to win her third straight Redemption Challenge when one of Stacey failed to keep up and one of her balls hit the ground.

Stacey, still pissed off because the Upolu deemed her too old and bitchy to be of any benefit to their tribe, "outed" Coach and his alliance to the Savaii Tribe when she blurted out, "Benjamin (which is apparently Coach's birth name), Albert and Sophie (are) running the team." When Coach found out what she had said he went nuts, not for outing his alliance to the opposing tribe, but because she called him "Benjamin." "If anyone calls me Benjamin to my face, I'm going to go nuts. My parents call me Coach. I've been being called Coach since I was 18!"

Unlike "Psycho" from the movie Stripes, "Coach" earned his self dubbed nickname by coaching one year of youth soccer at the age of 18.

At the Savaii Camp, an increasingly cocky Ozzy and Elyse taunted Cochran. After Elyse called him the "little Cochran that could" in response to his efforts to be more productive around camp, Ozzy asked, "How would you spell that, C-O-C-H?" That prompted Cochran to joke, "You're not going to have to spell that anytime soon man...Don't worry about the spelling man, don't even worry about the phonetics or anything."

After his Savaii tribemates came back from watching the Elimination Challenge on Redemption Island, Ozzy slipped up and blurted out how he thought Coach had made a mistake by not eliminating Albert, Upolu's strongest physical player. That caught Jim's attention, as he pointed out that if Ozzy thought that Coach should have targeted Upolu's strongest player, he'd obviously target Savaii's strongest player if put in the same situation. I will give kudos to Jim for using his skills as a professional poker player to sniff that one out. Of course, Jim also egotistically assumed that he was one of Savaii's strongest players, an assumption that I'm sure can be traced to the side of his brain that he uses to run two medicinal marijuana dispensaries.

As Albert searched for the hidden Immunity Idol given his concern over Stacey's comments about his alliance at Redemption Island, he stumbled across a hidden clue to it's location. When he could not find the Idol on his own, he shared that clue with Coach and Sophie. After reading the clue Coach simply said a prayer, then immediately climbed a tree and found the Idol (at least that's what the edited footage made it seem like). Meanwhile, back at Savaii's camp, Dawn, a devout Mormon, noted how she felt a disturbance in the force, not yet realizing how that bastard Joseph Smith had let her down once again.

Speaking of ~~The Force~~ Savaii, Cochran began his decent towards the dark side, as he began to question his onetime hero and mentor Ozzy for spending too much time sitting around and cuddling with Elyse. "Having watched Cook Island and Fans vs. Favorites, you see Ozzy as this superhero...guy who can do no wrong, but Ozzy has kind of faded into this middle-aged Ozzy, who has a few moments of glory where he runs out and gets some fish, but otherwise he's just sort of a lazy ass."

At the Immunity Challenge, the Tribes were presented with roasted pigs. However, instead of feasting, they were told to bite off meat with their hands tied behind their backs and spit as much as they could into a team bucket within the alotted time. In an extremely close contest, Upolu ended up winning by only 2 ounces, giving them immunity. As a "reward," Upolu was allowed to take their spit bucket full of meat back to camp for a "feast," which probably made Russell's Nephew feel like he was back home in Texas at a Hantz family barbecue...aside from the part where Mikayla and the other women were allowed to untie their hands after the contest.

Upon returning to Savaii's camp as losers, Elyse made a joke how they were all going to get "pig gut breakout tomorrow." Taking things up a slight notch, Cochran jokingly deadpanned, "We're probably also going to have oral herpes." For some reason, his fellow tribemates thought that his statement had crossed the line; however, it's not likely that the socially awkward Cochran had ever kissed anyone before, so it's hard to think that anyone would have really taken him all that seriously. That is, not unless he went to Comic-Con and back home with a dreaded case of "Space Herpes."

Speaking of "Space Herpes," here's Kordell Stewart with "Face Herpes."

Jim, still worried that Ozzy would target the stronger members in his tribe if the opportunity arose, went to Keith about voting out Ozzy or Elyse in order to break up their sub-alliance. While Keith initially questioned the logic of pissing Ozzy off, he also realized that Whitney and himself were the swing votes, so he consulted with her on his decision...Actually, Keith is just a gossip whore who wants to get in Whitney's pants, but for now we'll say that he told her so they could "discuss strategy."

At Tribal Council, the Savii tribemates all brought up their "oral injuries" from gnawing on the pig at the Immnity Challenge, which ranged from simple lacerations to a broken tooth for Dawn. In response, Cochran facetiously stated, "Technically, I haven't been wearing my retainer as diligently as I should have been, so my teeth are in constant transition and flux right now. I definitely feel my teeth shifting."

That statement did not go over well with his tribemates, who found it to be condescending. Dawn tried to let it go, but ironically stated, "This is also a game about bringing people together that would never be together, so part of me is really tolerant."

So to summarize...On this year's season of Survivor we have a "tolerant" Mormon in Dawn, and a redneck like Russell's Nephew who feels that he is the victim of a lingerie model's prejudice because he got caught lying in order to get her voted out for no other reason than he finds her so attractive that he doesn't trust himself around her. Needless to say, I see a chemical castration in somebodies future...Unfortunately for Mikayla, that person is probably going to be Dawn.

When Jeff Probst asked Cochran if he was typically the kid who was picked last playing soccer. Cochran astutely stated, "I don't put myself in a position where I'm playing soccer," which is exactly what I've been trying to tell people from Europe and Latin America to do my entire life.

While Cochran drew a lot of negative attention at Tribal Council for his off color comments, he and Jim made a power move and convinced enough of their tribe to split Ozzy and Elyse up. Strangely, even though they acknowledged that they would likely face reprisal for backstabbing their "Veteran" leader, they voted out the beautiful but powerless Elyse (NOOOOOO!!!!!) instead of doing the smart thing in voting out Ozzy and ending that threat altogether.