Saturday, August 16, 2014

The Big Brother 16 Blog - "Where I'm from, a clock is never a good thing."




This week's episode kicked off with the house guests in shock and discussing the heavy boos they heard waiting for Christine as she exited the house.

Frankie was the one who finally figured out that America might have hated her for her relationship Cody and how it was viewed since she was married.

Or as Frankie bluntly asked him, "You didn't have sex with her, did you?"

Cody Calafiore: I mean, who wouldn't trust this guy with their wife?

The house guests were also presented with the "Re-set Button" as the game's latest twist, only they didn't know what the repercussions would be in the event that they chose to push it.

Apparently having never watched the show before Frankie said, "I'm a huge fan of the show, I know what the button means. The button means, 'you push the button.'"

In a good position in the game with just two weeks left, deep down inside Frankie seemed to know that pushing the button really was a bad idea, but the gay man in him just couldn't seem to resist the urge.

"I'm terrified of what's going to happen when I push the button, but if I get the chance, of course I'm going to push the button!"

The HOH Competition required the final five house guests to battle by walking across teeter totter to place "seeds on a shovel" one by one without falling or knocking any of their seeds off.

With Frankie winning, he considered making a big move. Unfortunately, even though he was in a great position as HOH, Frankie lead the charge to push the "Re-set Button," after which a mysterious countdown began.

That left Caleb confused. "Where I'm from, a clock is never a good thing, a countdown like that is usually for an Armageddon, a bomb."

Clocks are still pretty mysterious to Caleb Reynolds, who deleted the clock on his cell phone to free up enough memory to take one more bitchin' selfie.

Being an election year, Big Brother alums Jeff and Jordan came on the show to campaign against Gay Marriage.

Getting worried that gay people were getting ready to destroy the sanctity or marriage, Jeff finally proposed to Jordan, who was so stupid that she thought that she was being named the next Bachelorette.

After Jordan said "yes," some country singer came into the backyard to sing a song about the beauty of Jeff's proposal...Well, that and Bush Light.

That made Caleb feel right at home. "I'm happier than a dag gum tornado in a trailer park," well, either that or happier than his mother in a trailer park...Either one works.

As HOH, Frankie nominated Cody and Victoria for eviction.

Amazed that she was still around, Victoria was just happy to be the last girl standing in the house.

"I played an amazing social game...And I like to think of myself as the Competition Princess."

Competition Princess Victoria Rafaeli...You know, if Princesses were really bad at competitions.

The Veto Competition was a freak show themed face "mash-up" of three different house guests, with the person able to identify the three house guests in all of the pictures the fastest winning.

Frankie also won the POV, and elected not to use it.

While Frankie's target was Victoria because the rest of his alliance wants her around as somebody they could beat, at Derrick's urging Victoria went to Frankie to pretend to bad mouth Derrick.

"I don't ever want to look at him, talk to him, I don't respect him as a person...I just feel so betrayed."

When Connie Chung announced that the Live Eviction episode was coming one day early, the house guests started to panic.

That caused Frankie to say, "The Big Brother fan inside of me is losing my mind...Hopefully it doesn't mean anything terrible for me."

In actually, it just meant that the NFL season was about to start, and that the first Thursday night game of the season was being televised on CBS.

The house guests began speculating about what twist would be unleashed as a result of pushing the "Re-set Button."

For some reason, Caleb was convinced that the button would send four celebrities into the house, one to compete with each remaining house guest.

"Hopefully my celebrity will be ole Mila Kunis coming up in here, and me winning in the luxury is me gettin' to marry that woman on national television."

Of course, Caleb's plan had several flaws.

First, Mila Kunis is married to Ashton Kutchor. Secondly, she's pregnant with his child. Third...Never mind, upon further thought I don't think one or two really matter to Caleb.

Right before the house was set to vote between Victoria and Cody, the Re-set Buzzer went off.

That's when Connie Chung announced that the Big Brother Rewind Twist was that the house would have to go back and replay the entire week, meaning that none of the past week's events officially happened, including Jeff proposing to Jordan.

That put Cody back in the "dino-tard," with the players competing in the exact same HOH competition where they had to walk back and forth on the teeter-totter and balance "seeds" on their spoon.



Friday, August 15, 2014

The Big Brother 16 Blog - "Stop playing big baby, let's play Big Brother!"



This week picked off with a grueling skating themed HOH Competition still in progress.

Or as Victoria said, "This competition is a nightmare. This feels like I'm freekin' running up the escalator at the mall. I'm literally staying in one place, but my energy's all gone."

For some reason, in Victoria Rafaeli's real life, which pretty much consists of lying by the pool and taking selfies, I don't think she needs a whole lot of energy. 

With Derrick far behind the leaders, he elected to go for the smaller bowl to fill and the $5,000 prize instead of HOH.

Caleb, in clear pain, mumbled to himself, "You can cry when it's over, you can cry when it's over," before going on to win HOH...and crying.

During the competition, Nicole gave a tip to go faster to Christine, which didn't go over well with the rest of The Detonator alliance, who saw Christine as playing both sides.

Or as Victoria said about Christine, "She's just so fake where I can't even stand it."

With Derrick ignoring her, and Victoria not used to being ignored, she snapped at him, "Are you not even in this conversation?"

Either Victoria Rafaeli gained weight in her face this summer, or she was attacked by a swarm of Botox.

When Caleb put Nicole up as a Have Not, she flipped out and wanted to go back home to Michigan before Derrick consoled her...Not because he was being a good guy, but because he was being a good player who wanted her Jury vote.

Not realizing that The Detonators had been using her all summer, Christine declared, "I'm not that nervous, I think it's going to be pretty straight forward."

Right on cue, Caleb nominated Nicole along with Christine for eviction.

The POV Competition required the contestants to watch video and cut wires to prevent a bomb from detonating, which was slightly ironic for Nicole and Christine.

Basically, it was a game of memory, with smoke bombs blowing up in your face in the event you got your "match" wrong.

When Christine won the POV, Frankie whispered something in her ear. Paranoid as always, Caleb not happy that Frankie spoke with one of their other alliance members, and demanded to know what Frankie had told her, which was that he would have gone to the end with her.

With Cody being the first player eliminated in the POV, he "won" a dinosaur costume.

With the dinosaur costume, Caleb Calafiore looked very ferocious with stubby little arms...Kind of like Caleb Reynolds.

At the Veto Meeting, Christine took herself off the block, and Caleb decided to put Victoria up as his replacement nominee instead of Frankie.

Even the intellectually challenged Victoria saw that Caleb lacked the cojones to make a big move saying, "Caleb did not make a big game move. Honestly, he's just a wimp."

Worse yet, Caleb told Frankie that he had considered putting him up as a replacement nominee, and Frankie asked him, "Who brought it up?" Sure enough, Caleb told  him it was Cody.

In a giant Detonators shit storm, Frankie decided to target Derrick, even though Derrick was the one who saved him from being a replacement nominee by talking Caleb out of it.

To top things off, before the Eviction Ceremony began, Connie Chung announced that it was going to be a surprise double eviction.

In her eviction speech Nicole pleaded for someone to make a bold game move by saying, "Stop playing big baby, let's play Big Brother and let's do some big game moves."

However, even Christine voted to evict her friend Nicole, who was evicted in a unanimous vote.

Not realizing that Connie Chung doesn't get a jury vote, Cody tried to kiss ass by saying, "Julie, you look amazing," to which Connie Chung said, "I wish I could say the same about you," in reference to his dino-tard.

The house guests then immediately went to another HOH Competition, with video statements from evicted house guests where the contestants had to guess "true of false" on a a statement that was said to be there bleeped out words.

Derrick won the HOH, and immediately was forced to nominate Victoria and Christine, saying that he was "Going with the house."

Frankie won the POV, which required the players to navigate a ball through three table mazes.

And with Frankie declining to use the POV, Christine was evicted in a unanimous 3-0 vote by her fellow Detonator alliance members, who elected to keep floater Victoria in the house.

Obviously pissed off, Christine didn't say good bye to anyone, and just abruptly left the house, which might have been the wrong decision since she walked out to a chorus of angry boos from viewers disgusted by the way she disrespected her husband by being a little more than flirtatious with Cody.

As Christine left the game in shame, Connie Chung announced another twist.

That twist was called "The Big Brother Rewind," which was described as a chance to replay an entire week of the game as two nominees were on the block, provided that the house decided to hit the "Rewind Button," not knowing what the consequence would be.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "I'm planning on bring him in for a real close bro hug, maybe play with his hair a little bit to see what all the fuss is"




This week picked off with Nicole having rejoined the house after defeating the other Jury Members, and The Detonators scrambling to tell Victoria that she was still safe...not because they liked her, but because she was too stupid to be considered a real threat to their game.

For some reason Caleb decided to brag about his karate skills saying, "I'm a third degree black belt. Jet Li, Jackie Chan, they don't hold a candle to "Beast Mode Cowboy."

He then proceeded to do some sort of kick and fell flat on his ass.

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You may have heard of the "downward dog," well Caleb Reynolds calls this move "Beast Mode Backside."

A "boxing" themed HOH Competition required the contestants to figure out day in the house that a certain event occurred, and then "punch" it into a scoreboard. 

After Cody fell down trying to punch in one of his answers, Cody ended up beating Donny in final round for to capture the title of HOH.

With Caleb back on the crazy kick that Donny was "military special intelligence," and that he "has an IQ of at 150, I guarantee it," Cody nominated Donny and Nicole for eviction.

In a medical scare, Nicole found Victoria unconscious on the bathroom floor, which meant that she either passed out taking a hard poo or while getting bulimic.

And since Nicole seemed to indicate that Victoria Rafaeli had her pants on when she found her, I'm going with the whole Bulimia thing. 

Thankfully, the Big Brother medic slowly made his way through the house before he began to attend to her, before officially announcing that Victoria's illness was due to her "wisdom teeth," wink, wink.

Fortunately, Victoria returns in time not to be a factor in the Veto Competition, which was a Big Brother classic, looking at a lot of identical objects and guessing how many there were.

With the closest guess each round earning a point and the furthest away getting eliminated, the competitors also had the option of folding and simply moving on to the next round.

With Christine guessing that the POV would be the annual counting competition, she put a plan together for each of her alliance members to stay in for a particular round to maximize their odds of taking their target, Donny, out.

Frankie's turn to stay in round one, loses to Donny who got his first of three cards.

With Cody holding two points and only needing three to win the POV, nominees Donny and Nicole each decided to fold. Not only did that automatically hand Cody the POV, but it disproved Caleb's theory that Donny was a secret genius and military intelligence once and for all.

The first flaw with Caleb Reynold's theory is that no intelligent person has voluntarily joined the military in the last forty years.

With Caleb trying to do an impersonation of Nicole's in house boyfriend Hayden, Nicole quipped, "Sorry Caleb, but Hayden's a guy who can actually get a girl in the Big Brother House," in reference to Caleb's embarrassing one-sided courtship with Amber.

Caleb Reynolds might be the only guy in America not to get a girl after buying an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

Meanwhile, Christine's husband Tim Brecht tried to act cool when he was interviewed about how he felt about Christine holding hands and snuggling with Cody, even though he clearly wasn't cool with it.

Clearly hurt, Christine's husband said, "Boundaries have been crossed...Both of them could throw a little respect my way."

However, he came across as the bigger person when he joked, "When I see Cody I'm planning on bring him in for a real close bro hug, maybe play with his hair a little bit to see what all the fuss is about."

Tim Brecht and Christine Brecht...or whatever her maiden name was.

Even Christine's dad was embarrassed saying, "It's uncomfortable as a father to watch," in regards to her blatant disrespect towards her husband on national TV.

In the end, Donny was evicted by a vote of 5-0.

The good hearted and genuine Donny was in tears as he comes on stage to meet with Connie Chung, who informed him that she had already been contacted by the soap opera The Bold and the Beautiful, who wanted him to guest star on their show...Preferably as some sort of character who was a genius and in military special intelligence.

The house guests then began a skating themed HOH Competition where they had to fill a cup with liquid, and then skate or slide down a lane to fill a glass snowman high enough to remove a floating piece of coal.

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That of course, left all sorts of hilarity. 


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Big Brother 16 Blog - "I'm doing everything I can to fit this bone in the dag gone hole"





With Frankie and Derrick winning the two HOH spots, The Detonators guaranteed Victoria that she's safe.

Victoria Rafaeli: And by safe, they meant free to eat as many cheeseburgers non-kosher hot dogs as she could before she checks into Jenny Craig on her way back to her parents' house(s). 

Upon seeing Frankie's artifacts from home in his HOH Room, Zach declared,"Frankie's sister is a smoke bomb" (referring to his famous sister, Arianna Grande), while Caleb exclaimed, "She's beautiful!"

The Detonators were essentially forced to nominate one of their own, and with nobody volunteering, they decide to go with a random draw based upon skittle colors.

With Christine's color getting drawn along with Cody's, Derrick nominated Donny and Christine, while Frankie nominates Caleb and Cody.

That was clearly painful to Frankie, or as he said, "All summer both of you have been teasing me with your amazing abs, your perky pecs, your sensual smiles, and your bubble buttocks...Also I picked your candy out of this hat."

Caleb Calafiore: At this point, Frankie Grandie was just using his power in the house to try out cutting edge jock straps. 

The Detonators asked Christine to throw the BOB Competition so they could vote Donny out, which she agreed to do.

The final BOB Competition was the "black box," or a dark room where players have to find bones hidden in the dark, with the first team to find five winning and taking themselves off the block.

That left Caleb confused and saying, "I'm doing everything I can to fit this bone in the dag gone hole."

Caleb Reynolds: The "abdominal douche bag." 

Donny realized Christine is throwing it when he found his team's first four bones, handed another to Christine (which she gave to the other team), and then found the 5th and won the BOB all on his own!

The janitor actually provided some of the best insight of the game all season when he said, "Derrick has blowed smoke up everybody's tail this whole season," even though "blowed" isn't really recognized as a word real outside of North Carolina or a strip club.

As some much needed relief, the Zingbot arrived, but only to throw out compliments to the players.

Then D-List comedian Kathy Griffin arrived to try and fuck Victoria, and if that didn't work, fix the Zingbot.

Some of her better "zings" included:

"Caleb, you and Amber have something in common. You think she's drop dead gorgeous, and she wants you to drop dead." 
"Christine, people think that wearing glasses makes people look smarter. Thanks for disproving that." 
"Victoria, I would zing you, but I'm only supposed to zing people who are actually playing the game."

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The POV Competition had the contestants follow a maize to connect cables to a circuit box, light up all four in order to "reboot the Zingbot" and win.

Frankie ended up winning the POV and used it on Caleb in order to replace him with Zach, because the house suspected him of stealing personal items from the house when it was really Team America.

Sadly, Frankie decided to make his replacement nominee a not so Broadway worthy production:

"I'm going to take a page from my best friend Zach Attach, but I'm going to do it better because your shit was kind of whack, I love you so much, and I want for you to stay, but if I don't put you up, I'm going to look cray cray. So Zach my friend, go and have a seat, it's time for you and Julie Chen to finally meet." 

Fortunately, the Zingbot returned to his form of old to put Frankie and the others in their place:

Frankie, that's a nice tan, but I'm surprised you get any sun at all considering how much time you spend in your sister's shadow. 
"Cody, you're such a nice guy, you haven't made any enemies this summer, except for maybe Christine's husband."

Desperate to stay in the game, Zach asked Caleb if it would change his opinion to vote for him if he promised him to never come after him. However, Caleb all but ignored him and said, "No."

In her first victory of the season, Victoria stole her pink hat back from Zach and tore it apart, which caused him much grief.

Or as he yelled, "I need a hat...I need a woman's hat!" That caused Victoria to gloat, "This is the most satisfying thing I've done all summer!"

Sadly, those were both accurate statements.

Knowing that he had to shake up the game, Donny tried to tell Christine that she was at the ass end of "The Detonator" alliance, but to no avail.

Knowing that he was going home, Zach lobbied Frankie and informed him that despite their differences, he was still his best friend, and that he would never put him up.

Sadly, a hand job probably would have worked better.

At the live vote. Zach announced that he'd see Julie soon, asks people to follow him on Facebook for his eviction speech.

And when asked why he was evicted Zach told Connie Chung, "One reason, because I couldn't keep my mouth shut."

Regarding his on again of again flirtation with Frankie, Zach said, "He had my game in the palm of his hands," and by game, Zach meant, "his penis."

Asked why he acted like such a douche at times Zach explained, "I thought if everyone hates me enough, they would not give me the satisfaction of sending me home. Clearly, that was not the case."

In what was billed as the big twist of the summer, the evicted Jury Members finally competed to return to the game.

That meant that Zach, Hayden, Jocasta and Nicole all got to compete in a seven round battle to slide discs onto a moving turntable, with however ended up with the most discs on the table at the end returning to the Big Brother House.

Fortunately, Nicole ended up winning, which meant that somebody was going to go back into the house and try to shake things up, unlike Jocasta or Zach.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "You fruit loop dingus!"




This week began with Hayden fantasizing over his girlfriend Nicole and her Wiener-tard saying, "We're like Hansel and Gretle."

Of course, Nicole seemed to have no idea what Hayden's wiener related fetish was as she replied, "Come on, I don't even you all these people."

Nicole Franzel: C'mon Nicole, you're almost from Frankenmuth!"

As HOH, Zach wanted to target Amber because "A little birdie on my shoulder" told him she was shooting for the guys.

That caused Zach to turn to Frankie for a hug, or as he said, "That was the best hug I've had in my entire life."

After Caleb realized that you can't unilaterally make a woman your girlfriend outside the South, he began to question his crush, Amber.

"Amber is gettin' a little too big for her britches in this house, and she's forgettin' who's keepin' her in this game."

However, with Caleb being deathly afraid of pickles, Amber dared him, "What if I said I'll go on a date with you if you eat a pickle."

But after Caleb sucked that pickle down like he was Snookie while she was drunk and pregnant, Amber second guessed her offer by
saying, "Next time think before you speak."

That lead to a really awkward and silent date between Caleb and Amber, which Caleb thought went awesome.

On the other hand, Amber wanted nothing more to do with him. "This was my first and last date with Caleb. I'm not interested, I just don't think he realizes it."

Caleb Reynolds: Sadly Amber, guys in Ed Hardy t-shirts never seem to realize it. 

Zach nominated Christine and Nicole for eviction saying, "If we pulled out the Big Brother dictionary and pulled out the word floater, there'd be a picture of you holding hands with Jen City."

He then went on to reference Nicole being a student of the game and said." You fruit loop dingus, I bet you didn't see this coming."

On the other hand, Frankie managed to nominate Jocasta and Victoria without making any reference to either one of them being a "fruit loop dingus."

The Battle of the Block Contest required the contestants to build and giant wedding cake and stand on top of it the fastest.

And while that would have seemed to favor Victoria Rafaeli, we all quickly realized that she may not be marriage material. 

In the end, Christine and Nicole ended up winning, leaving Victoria and Jocasta on the block.

Victoria, like any little rich princess, was less than pleased and pouted, "This sucks, Jocasta and I just lost the Battle of the Block, and to be honestly, it was all her fault."

Zach tried to stir the pot and intentionally ate food in front of the Have-Nots (Hayden, Christine and Nicole) saying, "That's what you get for being lazy."

That caused Zach's biggest ally, Frankie, to say, "If Zach doesn't stop running around terrorizing the country side, the villagers are going to revolt."

After her punishment was over, Nicole stripped off her Wiener-tard, causing Hayden to lose his mind over her wiener purge.

Or as he said, "Nicole is a terrible stripper, but I wouldn't have it any other way...I'm a little bit turned on."

We next learned that Derrick's grandpa died, which made me think that a ridiculous number of grandparents seem to die at work on Fridays on reality TV shows...Just saying.

Finally starting to realize that Amber wasn't into him, Caleb decided to go into "Beast Mode Cowboy," you know, because women respond to that.

"It pisses me off. I can't even look at Amber right now. 'You can't even talk to the king of this house?' No more romantic cowboy in this house!"

Zach, in denial about being gay, slept in the HOH bedroom with Frankie and gave him a back rub, which started out heterosexually enough.
Zach: "Who wants a back rub?!?" 
Frankie: "Me!" 
Zach: "I just like to sleep on you...I'm not gay, but if I was, (Frankie) would be my man for sure."
Frankie: "You'd be having the best sex of your life...Zach, are you going to make a move?"

I guess we'll just have to save that thought until the Jury House...Or maybe next week.

The Veto Competition was a cowboy themed contest where the competitors had to rock a horse to gain enough time to stack 50 gold bars before their time re-set, or go back and rock the horse to get more time.

Victoria proclaimed "All the house guests in the house think that I'm just some princess, but guess what, I'm a warrior princess." She still ended up losing.

Jocasta was obviously feeling a bit sexually frustrated about being away from her man when she said, "I'm making this high enough so Jesus can lay his hands on my blocks, cause lord knows I need his hands laid on me, Hallelujah!"

Hayden ended up winning, mainly because Christine hit her buzzer not realizing that she still had gold bars laying on the ground.

Hayden decided to use the Veto on Victoria, knowing that Frankie's plan was to backdoor Amber.

That caused Zach to say, "I know that we need to get 'Beast Mode Cowboy' on board with back-dooring Amber's pretty little butt this week," which was technically a correct statement, yet wrong in so many ways.

Even though he was being manipulated to think that he needed to go along with putting his crush Amber up for eviction just to "scare her," Caleb declared, "I've got this game in my fingertips."

That cause Frankie to say, "I don't know who's more clueless about what's going to happen this week, Caleb or Amber. I just might be able to pull off a double blindside."

At the Nomination Ceremony, Zach just couldn't leave well enough alone, as he took the stage and put himself on the spot and called Amber out.

"Hold on, I have to say something, I want to say something. Beast Mode Cowboy has saved you twice already in this game. He risked $500K on you, more than all of your boyfriend's have spent on you combined...And then to top it all off he ate a pickle, a freakin' pickle!"

Amber diplomatically chose not to respond. "He wants a reaction out of me, he's not going to get it."

Thursday's live eviction began with Connie Chung saying, "Caleb calls himself a 'hopeless romantic,' but this romance is just plain hopeless."

Mistakenly thinking that he had put Amber on the block just to scare her, Caleb told Amber that the rest of the alliance was on board with the plan to nominate her.

Frankie seemed shocked that Caleb thought he was responsible for Amber's nomination and actually took the blame. "I haven't seen a cowboy cry this much since Brokeback Mountain.

Unable to control her feelings for Caleb, Amber told Christine that she wants him gone Of course, as the most unreliable person in the house, Christine told Frankie, who in turn told Caleb, who in turn stormed off.

That left Caleb to finally see the light that the African American Amber wanted nothing to do with his redneck ass. "It is very clear in my eyes now that I have been blinded since day one."

Sadly, Caleb Reynolds can't understand why a black girl wouldn't like him. 

In their eviction speeches, Jocasta praised God and played the loyalty card, while Amber was much more intellectual and just sat around looking pretty.

After Amber got voted out, in part because of Caleb, Amber told Connie Chung, "I'm sorry I was not interested in him, and I'm not going to pretend to be to win some money," making her the coolest girl to ever appear on a reality TV show.

Caleb Reynolds is going to lose his tiny redneck freakin' mind when he realizes that Amber Borzotra has posed naked. 

Regarding Caleb's infatuation with her Amber asked Connie, "He has my bunny slippers still, can I at least get those back?" To which Connie truthfully replied, "I don't think your getting those back."


Saturday, August 9, 2014

The Big Brother 16 Blog - "Are you even gay?"



This week we rejoined the house in the aftermath of Hayden's eviction, which left his girlfriend Nicole freaking the fuck out.

The normally passive Nicole even went so far as to confront her former best friend Christine for misleading her as to what was going to happen, which almost lead to an angry pillow fight.

Zach, trying way to hard to make himself a villain, tried to push Nicole's buttons proclaiming out loud, "I'm happy, I voted to evict Nicole's boyfriend!"

Even Frankie tried to chime in by calling Nicole untrustworthy, and tried to say that she threw him under the bus by outing him when she targeted Zach.

I'm pretty sure that Nicole wasn't the one who "outed" Frankie Grande.

The HOH was a tournament styled competition where the contestants had to answer questions after quickly glancing at an optometrist styled eye chart with encrypted information.

Sure enough, the embattled Nicole ended up winning HOH, along with her best friend/enemy/frenemy, Christine. 

Even though she was the HOH, for some reason Nicole outed her alliance with Cody and Derrick upon talking with Zach, who didn't try to hide the fact that he didn't like her.

On the plus side, Caleb volunteered to go up as a pawn for Nicole against Frankie for having a hand in getting Amber out of the house.

When it was Christine who ended up nominating Zach along with Donny, Zach stood up and pointed at Christine and Frankie yelling, "You're a huge fucking liar, and you're a huge fucking liar. I'm going to leave it at that. Fuck both of you."

In order to promote Thursday Night Football on CBS, the BOB Competition required the two teams to work together and use ropes to raise a ball up a board in order to score a touchdown, with the winners also getting a special NFL experience outside of the house.

However, when Frankie outed Caleb for throwing the BOB BEFORE the competition even began, Caleb decided that he wasn't going work with Frankie because he was the one who was responsible for getting his crush, Amber, voted out.

Caleb then sat down and refused to play in the BOB saying, "That's what happens when you break trust and loyalty."

However, somehow Frankie still managed to win a game that was meant for two people all by himself, which caused him to break out in orgasm."

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Astonishingly, Frankie's win not only took himself off of the block, but Caleb as well.

Knowing that the house was still against him (and after blurting a shout out out to his famous sister upon winning the BOB), Frankie decided to tell the house that he was related to pop star Ariana Grande in order to regain their favor.

After Frankie came clean about his famous family, a dumbfounded Caleb asks the obvious question, "Are you even gay?"

The POV Competition brought back "Otev," this time as the the pissed off penguin, who sounded a lot like Gilbert Godfrey.

Otev would ask the contestants for a drink named after an evicted guest, and they shoot down water slide to find hidden cards with the correct house guest's name and return to the platform, with the last player to return with the correct answer each round getting eliminated.

Zach ended up winning the POV, and while he reconciled with Frankie, he was still looking for a way to back door him...He also wanted to get him out of the house.

Zach also told Victoria about the secret "Detonators" alliance, who in turn freaked out. In turn, Zach freaked out because he realized that he had blabbed to a blabber.

Of course, Zach blamed the whole thing on Nicole, which caused Derrick to confront everyone.

With the house called together, Zach admitted that he lied, which was ironic since he was the one who called out Frankie for being a liar earlier.

At Veto meeting Zach used his POV on himself, which caused Christine to puts up Nicole, her best friend, as a replacement nominee.

And when Nicole was voted out, she had the dubious distinction of going from HOH to evicted in one week.

When Connie Chung asked her who that could happen, Nicole deadpanned, "Because I was a physical beast," drawing laughs from the audience.

However, Nicole clearly had her feelings hurt, and said that the only person left in the house that she wanted to talk to going forward was Donny.

The HOH Competition was based upon an "emergency message" about a Zombie Apocalypse that the competitors had to listen to, and then answer questions about.

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Sadly, Caleb Reynolds got bit and turned into a zombie as he was daydreaming about Amber.

With Derrick and Frankie winning HOH, we left off with former contestant Rachel Reilly discussing her most recent venereal disease with Connie Chung.


Being from Texas, Caleb Reynolds always dreamed of going to Texas Tech and becoming their "bell ringer." Sadly, he was too stupid, so he joined the Army. 

The Big Brother 16 Blog - "I picked the picture with the big wiener, I picked the picture with the small wiener. That wiener mistake burned some valuable time."



This week we rejoined Big Brother with the HOH Competition still in progress.

Nicole and Donny ended up winning the two HOH's, which promised to change the game, assuming that neither of them pussed out.

Knowing that Nicole hated him, Zach stormed off faking to be angry after telling Nicole that he'd be okay if she nominated him as part of what he described as "reverse psychology to make her make a stupid decision," or what I would call, completely over thinking the situation.

Nicole confided to Derrick that her plan was to backdoor Frankie, and while he doesn't agree, he didn't want to rat her out either.

Caleb tried to kiss Donny's ass while threatening him at the same time since he knew he'd be his target after having nominated him in Week 1.

However, Donny wasn't backing down saying, "Caleb told me he would never want to go up on the block with someone like Victoria. He never should have told me that."

Sure enough, Donny nominated Caleb and Victoria, while Nicole put up Jocasta and Zach.

In an all time great nomination speech from Nicole, she called out the wanna-be villain, Zach.

"Zach, I wanted to keep up the tradition of using the "Big Brother Dictionary," so I looked up 'Super Villain,' and I only saw a picture of Evil Dick."

While Zach took offense to being called irrelevant in the game, he also felt confident despite being nominated.

"Nicole doesn't think that I'm the super villain that I actually am, I find that offensive...You can nominate me all you want Nicole, but I know I have my team on my back, and I have numbers to stay."

The Battle of the Block required the nominees to build a path of dominoes to successfully knock down and set off a buzzer.

Knowing that she was outmatched, the ultra religious Jocasta still had a trick or two up her sleeve.

"I have to trust my own alliance. It's the father, the son, and the holy spirit."

God damn it, Jocasta forgot about Tammy Faye Baker...Everyone always forgets about Tammy Faye Baker.

With Victoria actually looking semi competitive a stunned Derrick noted, "It looks like Beast Mode Cowboy brought out Beast Mode Princess. I don't think she's moved like that since Black Friday."

Caleb and Victoria ended up winning, but still had to hit slop for two weeks, which might not have been a bad thing for her figure.

Victoria Rafaeli: Before she went on Big Brother and got fat. 

Additionally, Caleb accepted the punishment of letting Victoria shave his head while they both had to wear "Adam and Eve Tards" in addition to being chained together for two days.

Despite winning, Caleb wasn't happy with his punishments, especially having to get his head shaved.

"Being chained to a nincompoop for 48 hrs, literally having to shave my beautiful hair off my head, and having to eat slop for two more weeks is all a losing factor...With a bald head I look DUMB, I look dumb"

Yep, Caleb Reynolds only looks "dumb" because Victoria shaved his head.

However, Frankie stroked Caleb's ego, amongst other things, when he said, "Caleb, I'm going to want to have sex with you more than I already do."

In fact, Frankie was pretty much drooling when Victoria took the razor to Caleb's racist locks.

"It was hot. Watching a practically naked man get shaved and that vibrating clipper passes through his thick nest of manly hair."

Frankie Grande: Well, at least someone in the house is attracted to Caleb Reynolds.

For some reason, Christine told her supposed BFF Nicole that Hayden and Victoria made out, even though she had no idea whether they really did or not, which they didn't.

Meanwhile, Zach couldn't stop calling people "Fruit loop dingus."

The POV Competition had the competitors match comics based on the house guests based on very short sneak peak that they received while zip lining past a window.

However the comic choices were slightly different for each person, so you they had to pay real close attention.

For example, Nicole didn't realize that she was riding a giant wiener in her comic. "I picked the picture with the big wiener, I picked the picture with the small wiener. That wiener mistake burned some valuable time."

Nicole Franzel may not have appreciated them when she arrived in the Big Brother house, but she definitely left the game with an affinity for wieners. Frankenmuth baby!

Christine ended up winning the POV, which Nicole wanted her to use it so she could backdoor Frankie.

However, Christine betrayed her friend and elected not to use the veto, which put the target on Zach, unbeknownst to him.

However, Frankie got freaked out when he saw Derrick, Cody and Zach all whispering. Derrick tried to dispel his concern by saying that Zach was playing both sides, and saying that they should "get him out now."

Shows that he was loyal to Frankie, Derrick still got what he wanted, as "The Detonators" re-bonded, and decided to keep Zach in order to keep their numbers.

In the end Jocasta eliminated, who was cool with it because, "That's what God wanted."

In what turned out to be a double eviction night, it was revealed that there would only be a single HOH for just the next eviction.

Connie Chung also informed the contestants that "Just because you're out of the house, doesn't mean you're out of the game."

The impromptu HOH was a math question Q & A  based on events in the house in the form of "More," "Less," or "Exactly" answers.

Caleb ended up winning HOH, and immediately nominated Hayden and Donny.

The Power of Veto Competition was also held, which required the players to retrieve 3 rubber duckies out of a huge vat of blue balls, or as Paola would have called them, her ex-boyfriends' nuts.

Donny was a surprise winner and took himself off the block. That caused Caleb to put Nicole up against her boyfriend Hayden as his replacement nominee, and Hayden was evicted.

Hayden took his eviction in good spirits though, telling Connie, "I got boned...I thought I had it so good."

He also shed some light on his relationship with Nicole saying, "I'm single in L.A., she's a country girl ready to get married, so..."

I guess you can figure out the math on that one.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "Just because I wasn't shoving his dick in my mouth"






This week we rejoined Big Brother with the HOH Competition in progress.

That competition consisted of teams of two trying to manipulate twelve eggs from one end of a chicken wire screen to the other using nothing but their hands.

Caleb was especially frustrated saying, "Check this out, I've got man hands, and this competition is killing me."

And by "man hands," Caleb meant his stubbly little fingers. And ladies, you all know what that means about Caleb...He drives a Camaro.

With Caleb's fingers preventing him from going into "beast mode," Cody and Frankie both won HOH.

The remaining loyal members of the Bomb Squad (Frankie, Zach, Derrick, Caleb and Christine) decided to form a five person alliance which they decided to call "The Detonators."

Proving that he might not be a total douche bag, Cody told Hayden and Frankie, "As sad as this is, like I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing anything in this house with a girl."

However, Hayden, who's honest but not douchey, had another take on getting busy on camera. "Dude, honestly if it was under the covers, I'd go at it."

But Cody proved that he was actually thinking about the girl when he responded, "The thing is, the parents are watching."

From there, things took a turn for the worse.

Frankie volunteered, "I'd rather just think about Zac Efron, like I do everyday," which wasn't at all surprising since he's gay.

What was Surprising was Cody enthusiastically adding, "He is, the man. That is literally my man crush...Zac Efron is the man because this guy has probably got the most swag, he's completely shredded, he's hilarious."

Hayden took the awkwardness up a notch when he said, "You know who my man crush is? Leonardo Dicaprio," but to his credit, Leo is slightly more feminine than Nicole.

Meanwhile, Brittany tried to sell her position for staying in the game to Frankie as "the girl who doesn't throw myself at Cody."

As the only gay man who doesn't gossip Frankie said, "Brittany is telling me all of this information in confidence, so obviously I will keep it completely to myself, because this is Big Brother...Just kidding, I'm going to go tell Cody right now!"

After hearing from Frankie, Cody was offended that Brittany would even think that girls flirting with him would influence his nominations...Guys like Zac Efron? Now that's another issue.

Like any true Southern gentleman, Caleb became irate when Amber shut the door so she could talk to Cody without Caleb listening in on them.

Or as Caleb said, "That's pushin' my buttons man! It's stuff like that why, that's why, THAT'S WHY, I don't trust in women...I'm over that."

Caleb Reynolds, a/k/a "The Abdominal Douche Bag."

While it was announced that there would be no "Have-Nots" for the week, it forced everyone in the house to share their beds.

However, nobody wanted to sleep with Victoria, who for some reason had convinced herself that she was hot.  

If you saw Victoria Rafaeli from afar on a beach, you might think she was hot...But you'd be wrong.

Or as Brittany said, "When it comes to bedtime Victoria is high maintenance. She's just a ton of work and keeps you up at night, so nobody wants to sleep with her."

That caused Victoria to come to the realization, "No one wants to sleep with me in the bed. Who knew? I'm just so hurt by everyone, and I'm honestly over it, I don't trust anyone in the game," clearly suggesting that she wasn't "over it."

Things got worse than sleeping alone for Victoria, as Caleb nominated her for eviction along with Brittany, while Frankie nominated Jocasta and Amber.

Fortunately for Victoria, who was their primary target, Brittany was insulted over being nominated along with Victoria, whom she considered the weakest player in the house.

Instead of going with the flow and using Victoria's lack of respect in the house against her, Brittany lost her fucking mind.

And when Brittany complained, "I trusted Cody and look what I got, just because I wasn't shoving his dick in my mouth," Zach said, "There's nothing her or her boobs can do to save her."

Sure what Zach Rance said was sexist, but it was also true...Plus he likes cheeseburgers. 

The BOB Competition was a chess themed game, where the contestants dress up like they were at a medieval re-enactment.

That required the competitors to take turns stepping on and crossing off giant chess board squares as a Knight would move until they could no longer move to a previously unoccupied space.

Jocasta declared, "My strategy is to pray, because prayer is the only thing that will help us win."

She then immediately proceeded to trap herself in a corner and was eliminated from the contest...Glory be on high.

Victoria didn't understand how to move like a Knight in chess, which apparently isn't the same thing as taking selfies of your chess...I mean chest.

Victoria Rafaeli: I'm starting to sense that being an orthodox Jew is kind of like being  Catholic these days...That is, minus the 12-year-old boys.

Sure enough, Victoria also trapped herself, allowing Jocasta and Amber to win. That caused Jocasta to quiver and start speaking in tongues, apparently in a tribute to all the girls she used to have sex with.


Chess is a helluva game.

Talking about his military surveillance skills, Caleb walked into the HOH room while Cody was petting on Amber.

That caused Caleb to walk away and mutter, "And what do you know, home-skillet has his hands (on her) once again...something, something, "beast mode cowboy."

However, when Caleb told Zach, "It's like a kick in the nut, and punch in the nose," Zach had the balls to say, "Caleb, I got a secret for you, she's not into you man!"

He went on to say, "Caleb is a love struck, fruit loop, dingus, foolagain...I would love to send him right back to Kentucky where he belongs."

Sadly, while I live in Kentucky, Caleb Reynolds isn't originally from there, but I'll agree with Zach that he probably does belong there. 

At the POV Competition, Brittany chose Caleb to compete on her behalf by saying, "I only picked you because you look yummy in that shirt."

Of course, that's the same Brittany who basically accused the other girls of sucking Cody off to stay in the game, which lead everyone to ask, "Who's putting somebody's dick in their mouth now?" #BrittanyLearnedHowToPlay.

In a soccer themed POV, the contestants had to launch soccer ball towards net that was slotted with various points.

While the lowest point total was eliminated each round, each eliminated contestant received a prize, which was subject to being traded for by a player who went out of the game later.

While Caleb ended up winning the contest, he received a punishment in the form of a "German-Tard."


Spaten Beer Girls: All women should be required to wear "German-Tards."

However, as the winner he was able to trade that punishment for any other prize that a contestant received.

However, instead of trading it for the POV, which Victoria was holding, he decided to trade it for the $5K in cash that Nicole had won.

Sadly, as a former soccer player, Cody received a punishment for his poor finish in the soccer themed POV Competition, which basically required him to take it up the ass, which he was clearly accustomed to since he played soccer.



Apparently attracted to shiny things, Victoria revealed her excitement to have walked away with the POV necklace. "I'm a jewelry girl, and I love accessories."

That left Brittany furious that Caleb blew a chance to save her and selfishly took the money instead.

Cody was equally upset, and wanted to put Caleb up as his replacement nominee for Victoria, but Frankie urged Cody to "stick to the plan Rose," in reference to targeting someone who was not a friend with the Detonators Alliance as Caleb was considered to be.

In regards to his nominations, Cody told Donny that he wouldn't put him up, saying something like, "If I didn't put Caleb up my brother would call me the biggest pussy."

However, when all was said and done, Cody's Replacement Nominee for Victoria was Donny.

Donny clearly wasn't happy, and even went as far as to say, "bless his heart," which I think was his way of cursing. 

Cody, feeling awful for having been manipulated by others to put Donny up instead of Caleb had no trouble cursing saying, "I feel like such a bitch."

However, Donny was never in any real trouble, as Brittany was eliminated. And while the vote was unanimous, Brittany still mouthed "Wow" as Connie Chung announced the results.

After Brittany was eliminated, we saw footage from Hayden and Nichole's families regarding their budding romance.

With that we were treated with Nicole's little cousin saying, "Hayden is a little weird I think."

And when she was asked "Why," she didn't miss a beat and said, "Because, um, I don't know, he always tries to have sex with Nicole."

However, we were left wondering whether Hayden and Nicole actually got it on, as we saw footage of her asking him in bed, "Are you over it now that the chase is over?"

Then again, with Nicole's dick tease of a personality, she probably just let him kiss her. 

The episode concluded with a "Country Hits" HOH Competition, where the competitor squared off two at a time and tried to identify which past competition a made up country song was referring to.

With Frankie having just found out from the producers that his Grandpa had passed away, Derrick threw the Competition so Frankie could win one of the HOH spots and get to see pictures of his "Paw Paw."

Zach won the second HOH, which put his alliance with Frankie square in the driver's seat moving forward. 

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "The back door's the only door!"






After a rough week as HOH where his alliance refused to go along with his plan to backdoor Zach, Devin decided that his best move would be to pout and rat out his once secret eight person "Bomb Squad" alliance to the rest of the house.

Knowing that he had become a target, Devin renounced his membership in the "Bomb Squad" but volunteered to be nominated for eviction as a sign of "goodwill."

Of course, being nominated would have given Devin two chances to take himself off the block through the BOB and POV Competitions, but the rest of the Bomb Squad saw right through his not so clever ploy. 

After Devin's defection, Christine also privately declared that she was done with Bomb Squad, telling her best friend Nicole about her affiliation with the alliance.

Strangely, Nicole's response didn't have anything to do with her best friend in the house having been in a secret alliance without having mentioned it to her.

Instead, Nicole responded by saying, "Bomb Squad? That's a stupid name." Well, okay then.

Derrick wisely used Caleb's feelings for Amber to convince him to volunteer himself as nominee, so he could show her how much he cared for her by throwing the BOB and keeping her safe.

Of course, Amber is black, and Caleb was busted having referred to President Obama as a "monkey" on his Twitter account, so that probably was not the best use of chivalrous act that Caleb could come up with.

Even Caleb seemed to know deep down inside that his efforts were misguided.

"This is crazy. My sister's probably like sitting at home wondering why, 'Seriously, why Amber?'"

But he still couldn't seem to get over himself saying, "At the same time she's probably thinking, 'Dude, if he does that, she needs to marry that guy.'"


I know it's a new thing, but someone might want to break it to Caleb Reynolds that outside of the south, African American women actually get a say in who they mate with.

When Donny told Amber about Caleb's plan to throw the competition, that made Caleb, Nicole and Derrick think that Donny was the one who needed to go home, making him a target as their potential fourth nominee.

Sure enough, Nicole nominated Amber and Donny, while Derrick nominated Jocasta and Caleb.

Upon realizing his potential fate, or maybe just declaring a personal sexual preference, Devin blurted out, "The back door's the only door!"

After reflecting on things, Nicole had reservations about nominating Donny, and even cried when she tried to apologize to him.

True to his good guy form, Donny started crying too, and actually ended up consoling Nicole over her decision to to nominate him.

In the super lame "Team America" twist, the secret, but contrived alliance, was asked to convince the house that one of their fellow players was a relative of former player.

Given Zach's strong Adam's apple and the fact that he was from South Florida, Team America decided to try and convince the house that he was cousins with last year's 3rd most racist cast mate, Amanda Zuckerman.

Strangely, Zach fully embraced that rumor, even though it wasn't true, was it?

The BOB Competition was a Harry Potter inspired contest, where the two teams of nominees had to run across the yard to gather puzzle pieces and then hand them to their teammate as they lifted him/her by wire up to a board to try and solve it.

Donny seemingly had an advantage, proclaiming that while he liked puzzles, they were usually "Puzzles that are in the newspaper or the back of a cereal box."

Of course, Donny intentionally forgot to mention the part where he was really good at solving the really tough puzzles on the back of the menus at his local Applebees.

Frankie then declared, "I took a lot of classes on wand," although that comment had nothing to do with the BOB Competition, or Harry Potter. 

With Caleb holding true to his word to throw the competition for Amber, Donny and Amber ultimately ended up winning and were able to remove themselves from the block.

Still in their competition wardrobes, Hayden told Nicole. "Normally the princess has to kiss the frog, but with you rocking that thing (a frog suit), the prince might have to make the move."

That caused all of the girls to collectively go, "Awwww!"

That is, all of them except for Nicole, who still seemed to be functioning on a middle school social and intellectual level.

Cody, not Caleb, ended up giving Amber a massage, which didn't go over well at all with overly jealous and possessive Beast Mode Cowboy.

Or as Cody said, "I feel like I get death stares from Caleb for talking to you," to which Amber replied, "It's driving me crazy, because I don't like Caleb like that."

Sure enough, Caleb was listening to that conversation and came storming out of his bedroom. When Cody said, "You pass out?" Caleb just said, "No," and kept on walking...Awkward!

That seemed to drive a rift between Cody and Caleb.

Or as Cody said, "There's Caleb pissed off, looking like he heard our entire conversation...All I'm thinking here is that we definitely might have a big problem."

Sure enough, Caleb confirmed that his feelings were starting to get in the way of his game play.

"My buddy Cody, you know, a member of my alliance, is trying to, you know, put his hands on old girl. Check this out home-skillet, if you try to move in on my queen, the king, beast mode cowboy, is going to have to step up!"

However, knowing that Caleb was going to go after him, Cody approached Caleb and told him, "You're a good looking guy, I'm a good looking guy," which lead to the two of them wrapping their arms around each other and tongue kissing. #ProblemSolved.

The POV Competition was a casino style event, where the players squared off two at a time inside giant inflatable dice, and had to walk them on to a platform the fastest to land a specific number. 

After several wins by Devin, he was defeated by Donny. That Devin caused Devin to say, "I still don't think you are who you say you are."
And while that was false, Frankie still, while Donny seemed dumbfounded that he won.

"I'm not good with patterns, numbers, none of that. My mom always says, son, you might not be the brightest crayon in the box, but at least you're in the box."

Not a part of what was the main alliance, Donny used the POV on Jocasta, who sat out sick. "A friend in need is a friend indeed."

Of course, when Jocasta woke up and found out she broke down crying and wailed. "I'm so used to giving, but now I get to receive," which I guess makes Donny an unselfish lover.

According to plan, Derrick's replacement nominee was Devin.

Still dumb to the fact that black girls don't like racist white guys, Caleb gave Amber his covers in the "Have-Not" ice room saying, "I think in the end of the day I'll win a date with her."

Frankie seemed pissed with Caleb's infatuation with Amber saying, "Caleb is so blinded by Amber, that he has no idea that people are making moves around him."

Victoria decided that she would join the show by walking out in the back yard and shouting, "Show us what your name is!" Hilariously, that caused Hayden to say, "No seriously, what is your name?"

Big Brother homophobe Jeff Shroeder met with Donny's family and we learned that they don't watch the show, and instead go to bed.

We did learn that Donny's dad likes Bonanza, and that his mom doesn't like him to wear shorts.

And when Jeff asked, What's your first taste of Big Brother, do you like it? Donny's mom sternly replied, "No, I don't."

Worse yet, when Donny said he had a one armed brother, I always thought that his good arm would have been more than a nub.

Or as Donny said, "He don't have a left arm, he only have a right arm, and it don't look like this."

Donny Thompson on Big Brother...The South frightens me.

On the other hand, while Donny's girl friend isn't hot in a traditional sense, he still out kicked his coverage.

Donny Thompson's girlfriend: Then again, it is the south.

In the end, Devin was unanimously voted out. 
Upon meeting with Connie Chung, Devin immediately questioned Donny.

"I see he wears that Harvard Medical sweat shirt, I think he has something to do with Harvard. He wears all that camou gear, what does he do?"

Sure enough, Connie responded by confirming, "He is a grounds keeper," much to Devin's chagrin.

And while Devin had criticize the game of Joey, Zach sent him a going home message that said, "You're possibly the worst player in BB history, because your social game was god awful."

As M.C. Hammer would say..."Proper."