Friday, May 30, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "Who's here to see some half naked men!"



Bachelorette Andi Dorfman began the first real episode by boasting, "I feel great about the 19 men who are still here." And who could blame her, I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Eric Hill, a self described "explorer" from California, which I think is just a fancy way of saying that he roams around beaches with a metal detector.

Eric went on to tell Andi that he had "camped with a witch doctor," "road a motor cycle half way across Africa," and been accused of being a spy by militants in Syria who only set him free after he convinced them of how awesome he was. 

Worse yet, Andi actually seemed to believe him saying, "You just can't make that up," forgetting that guys do it all the time...Just check any dating profile on Match.com.

After a day at the beach Eric beamed, "My face already hurts from smiling so much." Sadly for Eric, I have a feeling that it's going to get much, much worse.

Just when it seemed that Andi and Eric were actually just going to have a realistic and enjoyable date at the beach...BOOM! The "Batchcopter" just appeared out of nowhere. 

And just like that, Andi and Eric were whisked off to a semi-snow covered mountain so Andi could get hit on by a pint sized professional snowboarder named Louie Vito.

In fact, despite his size disability, I'm thinking that the snowboarder might have even been good enough to compete in the Special Olympics.



Fortunately, Eric also turned out to be a good snowboarder. That caused Andi to gush, "Of course I picked a professional snowboarder. He's good at everything. Seriously, can we find something he's not good at?"


Eric Hill: I might be going out on a limb here, but I'm going to guess hang gliding.

In the end, it came as no surprise that Eric got a rose, as he and Andi really seemed to hit it off. 

The Group Date turned out to be an excuse for Andi to get to see the guys perform as male exotic dancers, all under the guise of "doing it for charity."

However, unlike Andi on Juan Pablo's season, the guys were all just a little too excited, starting with Chris Harrison who exclaimed, "Who's here to see some half naked men!"

For Craig the thought of stripping almost sounded too good to be true. "Are we really gettin' naked? Because I'm kind of excited!"

Cody was excited to show Andi what he had only shown his mirror for the past 7 years saying, "I would bare anything for Andi."

Sadly, Cody Sattler, a/k/a "The Protein Shake," would also bare anything for a mirror...So long as he got to post it on Instagram.

Even the more reserved Tasos seemed to get an adrenaline rush. "Being on stage, I'm not going to lie, I like that attention. Maybe I practiced moves in a mirror once or twice."

Did I say reserved? In actuality, Tasos Hernandez is the attention whore who's only on the show to promote his crappy band, "Regret Night."

Craig seemed to be getting giddier and giddier by the moment. "I'm just doing this for Andi, I would never do this on my own, unless I was making a lot of money."

In fact, there was only one thing that could have stopped Craig from stripping, and that was watching Josh strip.

"Josh is a stud! I don't care about taking my shirt off. I do care about taking my shirt off next to Josh, he's incredible!"

So to help himself catch Josh's attention, Craig decided to stuff his Speedo. "When I get naked, I want everyone in the audience to go nuts!"

Nick S. got the booby prize of all the stripper costumes when he had to dress up as a bulky robot.

However, he might have taken things too far when he dropped his mainframe and showed Andi his "System Reboot" button.

Or as Andi said, "When Nick S bent over, I kind of saw a part of a man that no woman is supposed to see."

Needless to say, Nick S. didn't make it past the Rose Ceremony.

In the end, a good time was had by all. Hell, even Chris Harrison got his $2 worth.

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After the strip club, Josh told Andi not to stereotype him as an athlete.

Of course, his days of playing low level minor league baseball and football at the University of Georgia are long since over, so it's probably time for him to get a job at his local bank like all other washed up college athletes do...Or at least the white ones.

Unlike fellow opera singer Sharleen Joynt last season, who just so happened to show up to take in the strip show with Andi for "moral support," or maybe a lack thereof, Drew gave it up relatively easy.


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After interrupting Andi several times, Craig became the equivilent of the drunk girl at the bar who was trying way too hard.

And when he asked Andi who her favorite was and she playfully responded, "You," Craig began giggling hysterically before saying, "Really? That's SOOO sweet!"

Craig then went on to get out of control and jump in the pool with his clothes on during the Cocktail Party. And while I understood where Craig was at, my only question was why one of the other dudes felt the need to jump in with him.

Unfortunately, Craig's night ended when he pushed Patrick in the kitchen and The Bachelor Security Guard (who turned out to be Ryan Bowers from Emily Maynard's season) ended up taking him away.

Andi was so frustrated by Craig's behavior that she broke out like seven Y'alls before Marcus stepped in and rescued her from speaking Southern on national TV.

As a reward for preserving her aspirations to become a legal analyst on TV after the show ends, Andi gave Marcus the much coveted Group Date Rose.

The final 1-on-1 Date went to Chris, the farmer from Iowa who somehow managed to remain single despite the advent of FarmersOnly.com.

Andi took Chris to a horse racing track, where only three horses died.

Almost as if it was a scene straight out of a scripted movie, an old couple...I mean a couple of old actors interrupted Andi and Chris to ask how long they've been together.

And while the jury is still out on how Andi feels about Chris, it was pretty obvious that he really likes her, and for that, he got a rose.

Back at the mansion, Craig tried to make amends with Andi by pulling her aside. And right when I yelled, "please don't sing her a song," he pulled out an acoustic guitar.

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And while Craig might represent everything that's wrong with frat guys, and while I'm pretty sure that he might have suffered a closed head injury at some point in his life, as it turned out his song was actually kind of funny.

Enough so that I actually thought that he might have earned himself another chance.

But Andi thought otherwise, and sent him home along with Nick S and Carl, the douchey firefighter.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "Where I'm from, you don't swear on a wife and a baby"

 
 

The final episode of Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty began with Woo, Spencer and Kass in the driver's seat, and Tony, without any Idols to play, scrambling just to stay in the game.

While Tony did still have one Idol left, he was no longer eligible to play it. However, the other players didn't know that for sure.

Instead, they just knew that Tony had an Idol that was supposed to have "special powers," and Tony tried to convince them that the "special power" allowed him to play it after the final five.

The Final Four contestants were rewarded with visits from loved ones, or in Tony's case, a visit from some guy that he kind of knew.

As it turned out, we learned that Tony flipped on his own family, leaving his wife and newborn baby at home alone in order to come on the show, so I'm guessing that his wife refused to visit him as some sort of protest vote.

For some reason, I'm thinking that Tony Vlachos' wife will forgive him, considering that she can now divorce him and keep a cool $500K for herself. BTW, Spoiler Alert!

Kass tried to explain her game to her husband, and in doing so, she at least got the last part correct.

"I'm just going to argue to the women that I came out here and played like a man...If I was a man and made all the moves I made I would be strategic, but because I'm a woman, I'm a bitch."

She also did her best to plug her new self dubbed "Chaos Kass" nickname. "Often chaos is a part of that, keeping the other side on their toes."

And when she said "keeping the other side on their toes," she really meant to say that they all kept her around because she was an awful player who stood no chance of winning.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to stand on a tall pole over the ocean, use a rope to dip a bucket into the water, poor that water down a shoot to raise a floating key up to their reach, and then solve a puzzle.

Tony filled his bucket the fastest, while Kass didn't even get to her puzzle until the other players were almost half way finished.

However, Tony was too stupid to solve his puzzle, and somehow Kass to pull off the upset over Spencer and won Immunity

Kass sat firm on her decision to vote out Spencer, which seemed to relieve Woo, mainly because he didn't want to become the swing vote and be forced to actually make a decision.

And despite his best efforts, Spencer couldn't convince Tony to muck things up and vote for a tie, and he was sent to the Jury just short of reaching his goal of making the finals.

After Spencer was voted out, the second Immunity Challenge required the final three contestants to run through a maize and retrieve four sets of puzzle pieces, and then assemble a working gear puzzle.

In an amazing finish, Woo ended up defeating Kass by less than a second, and he earned the right to decide who he would take with him to the Final Tribal Council.

At that point, Kass still seemed delusional about her game saying, "I think Woo might be able to beat me, I don't know."

But as some little kid from the audience said when Jeff asked him who Woo should take with him, "Probably Kass, because I think nobody has respect for her," as the entire audience erupted into laughter.

Tony tried to plead his case to Woo, but even he acknowledged to the camera that Woo would have been better off taking Kass with him to the finals.

As normal, Woo refused to commit to anyone. That caused Kass to say, "It's horrifying, the person that hasn't made a decision the whole game is in charge of my fate."

At Tribal Council, Woo didn't want to listen to any speeches or any of Jeff's questions. He instead said that he had made up his mind and asked to skip right to the vote.

Apparently not wanting a sure $1,000,000, Woo elected to vote Kass out and take Tony with him to the finals, which even seemed to surprise Tony.

At the finals, Woo began by saying that he lives by a code of  honor and integrity, and that in doing so, he wanted to take the next best player along with him to the end, no matter what the cost.

Meanwhile, Tony tried to plead the case that he played a better strategic game.

As usual, the bitter members of the Jury all got a chance to confront their exes...I mean Tony and Woo.

Tony's ex seemed the most bitter, as the other cop on the show lashed out at him for swearing on his badge to her, and wondered if he really even cared about racially profiling black people anymore.

Likewise, Jeremiah was pissed that Tony swore on his wife on kids to him and asked, "Do you have a wife and baby?"

Jeremiah then went on to scold, "Where I'm from, when you swear on a wife and baby, that's absolutely pathetic." Fortunately for the rest of us, nobody else outside of the great state of Carolina cared.

Morgan decided to use her jury question to remind America how hot she thinks she is, and compared herself to Tony when it comes to being able to keep men in her back pocket.

However, Tony's game seemed to blow her tiny little mind, as she said, "You kept men in your back pocket, and you did it without even having breasts!"

Morgan McLeod:

Kass used her time to question Woo on why he didn't vote out Tony when he had the chance. "Why on  earth, did you not cut the head of the dragon off?"

In a moment of being a little too honest, Woo flat out said that he didn't think that Kass didn't deserve to sit at the finals, even if it meant a sure fire win for himself.

However, Woo then went on to call Trish "a sweetheart," proving that he was capable of lying.

Apparently having run out of living family members, Trish revealed that Tony swore to her on his father's grave. When she questioned him on whether breaking that vow was worth it, Tony told her that it was.

Spencer managed to insult Woo and Kass in the same breath, calling Woo "Tony's dog," and then saying, "You had the opportunity to take one of the biggest goats in Survivor history to the end," with the "goat" referring to Kass.

Instead of asking any questions, Spencer used his time to address the Jury and advocating for Tony to win. "Love him or hate him, Tony played his ass off out here."

Sadly, Tony did end up winning. Even worse, the Jury indicated that Woo would have won had he just brought Kass along with him to the end instead of Tony.

From the Jury's comments, it appeared as if Woo lost out to Tony because he wasn't sneaky enough, which is getting to be an overrated aspect of the game.

Think about it. You had a guy like Tony who made some wild moves, but pissed everyone off in the process. On top of that, he was a horrible physical competitor.

On the other hand, Woo was well liked, and won every physical challenge that he needed to win in order to stay in the game.

It seems to me that Woo won the physical and social aspects of the game, while Tony only came out on top when it came to making big moves, and most of the time those were poor decisions based purely on his own paranoia.

Unfortunately, the finale only got worse from there, as Tyler Perry showed up to plug the seven movies he's currently releasing.

Worse yet, Jeff Probst announced that the next season would be Survivor: Blood vs. Water II.

Not only does that mean we'll be stuck once again with returning players and their undeserving relatives, but I'm pretty sure that I heard Rupert's voice in the promo...Fuck me.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog: "May I approach the Bachelorette?"



The new season of The Bachelorette is upon us.

While I'll make no bones about my hatred for this season's star, Andi Dorfman, she's still more likable than Emily Maynard.

As we all know, Andi Dorfman is a prosecutor from Atlanta who loves her job so much that she's given it up twice now in order to go on a reality dating show that she clearly doesn't believe in the concept of.

That much was evident by the way she let a clueless Juan Pablo take her to the end of his season, and then threw him under the bus in a clear attempt to gain sympathy and land the gig as the new Bachelorette.

My guess is that Andi Dorfman ultimately ends up passing on whatever guy she chooses, and then uses her time as The Bachelorette to springboard to a career as a legal analyst for a network like Fox News.

As usual, this season began with more guys waiting to pop out of their sport coats and squeeze into Ed Hardy T-Shirts than an Italian-American wedding.

We also got treated to another dose of Andi's southern father, Hy, who thought he could use a Voir Dire to eliminate all the black guys before they got out of the limo.

As the guys arrived, we were reminded that The Bachelorette brings out every narcissistic quality in a guy that girls still seem to fall in love with no matter what their fathers have told them to avoid...Personal trainers, aspiring musicians, and soccer players.

And yes, all of this has lead me to compromise my manhood yet again and make an attempt to blog this season of The Bachelorette.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of some of the guys who did and did not receive a Rose on the first night, and my initial impressions of them:

Chris Soules A farmer from Iowa, Chris Soules thought that he was signing up for Farmers.com, but somehow found himself on The Bachelorette. And while my girlfriend thinks he's ugly, I think Andi seemed to like him. 

When you're from Iowa like Chris Soules where they don't have beaches, sometimes you just have to make do with what you've got. I'm just not sure what you use as bait when your trying to catch corn and soybeans.

J.J. O'Brien- Calling himself a "pantsapreneur," J.J. O'Brien is either in the business of getting in guys pants, or getting guys in his pants...I'm just not quite sure which one it is yet.

I'm guessing that J.J. O'Brien isn't on the show with Andi's best interests in mind...Payback's a bitch, isn't it?

Marquel Martin - Marquel is not only this season's token black guy. I just can't tell if he's trying to use modeling as a stepping stone to further his cookie career, or cookies to further his modeling career.

Fortunately for Marquel Martin, The Bachelorette needed a black guy, so he gets to do both.

Tasos Hernandez- Andi seemed instantly smitten with Tasos Hernandez saying, "Tasos is very different, he's very handsome, but very different from what I'm used to dating." Aside from the part where he's probably gay, Tasos is this season's contestant who is less interested in dating the Bachelorette than he is promoting his band, "Regret Night."

There's only one regret that the people who went to see "Regret Night" play on this night, and that's the fact that Tasos Hernandez didn't play more solos.

Cody Sattler - Cody is a personal trainer from Chicago. He is also so incredibly strong that he arrived at the mansion not in a limo, but by trying to push his limo up the hill.

Cody Sattler, a/k/a "Selfie McDouchebag."

Steven Woolworth - A snow board developer and surfer from California, when Ali met Steven she said that she was "stoked," while he replied back by saying "y'all." it kind of reminded me of how dogs who don't really know each other sniff each others' asses when they first meet.

Steven Woolworth: You may ask what a snow board developer exactly does. Surprisingly, it's quite similar to being a blogger.

Rudie Baldwin - Rudie, an attorney from Long Beach had his moment in the sun when he arrived from the limo and asked, "May I approach the Bachelorette?" Unfortunately, his time on The Bachelorette went all downhill from there.

Rudie Baldwin: After introducing himself as a fellow attorney, Andi promptly sent him home.

Carl King- Carl King is a fireman Ft. Lauderdale. And while I'm not saying that all firemen are meat-head douche bags, I really don't have anything else to say.

Carl King likes Ed Hardy t-shirts so much, he actually got one tattooed on his back.

Jason Leep - Jason Leep has been so busy with his career as a doctor in Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin, that he's been unable to find the time to get a new haircut since the band Nelson stopped touring.

Sadly, Jason Leep didn't make Andi's cut.

Nick Viall. Nick Viall is a software sales rep from Chicago. Andi seemed to instantly like him, and even gave him the First Impression Rose even though she called him, "someone who I'd not normally be attracted to." However, I'm guessing that "Nicky V" turns out to be one of the bigger players on the show this season.

Nick Viall: There's nothing that screams sophistication like a college frat boy who plays dress up to try to fool girls by pretending to be sophisticated.

Dylan Petitt, An accountant from Boston, Dylan lost his brother a few months ago, so I'll cut him some slack even though he's from Boston.

You can tell that Dylan Petitt is probably a pretty good dude because he plays softball.

Emil Schaffroth- A helicopter pilot from Cali, Emil came out of the limo and immediately informed Ali that his name "sounds like anal, but without the M." Sadly for us all, he didn't make past the Rose Ceremony, nor was he the contestant who died before the season aired. 

Even though Emil Schaffroth's name probably doesn't really rhyme with "anal," you can't blame a guy for just throwing it out there when meeting a woman for the first time.

Ron Worrell - A beverage sales representative from Memphis, I was going to say that Ron Worrell was merely the second token black guy on the show until I did some research and discovered that he's actually white.
Ron Worrell: Golf
Ron Worrell: NASCAR
Ron Worrell: Hockey

It looks like Ron Worrell hit the triple crown of white sporting events...Golf, NASCAR and hockey. In fact, he's only a white girl away from a "Tiger Slam."

Bradley Wisk - While contestants like Cody Sattler showed off his guns, Bradley, an opera singer from Michigan, showed off his pipes when he randomly began singing in front of the guys.

No word yet on whether or not Bradley Wisk is related to Sharleen Joynt, the Opera singer from Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor.

Josh Bauer - Josh Bauer is telecommunications marketer from Denver. The good news is that he as good enough at his job that he survived the great "Do Not Call List" purge of 2007. The bad news is that he still only makes $7.35 an hour and lives with his mother.

Strangely, Josh Bauer just couldn't seem to understand how Ali could send him home without a Rose on the first night, but at least he got some free Mexican food and got his picture taken while wearing the birthday Sombrero.
 
Nick Sutter - A pro golfer from Kissimmee, Florida, Nick Sutter arrived not in the limousine, but in a golf cart, which is pretty much the guy equivalent to Lindzi Cox's dream entrance of when she rode in a a horse for Ben's season.  

Nick Sutter

Patrick Jagodzinski - An ad executive from Newport Beach, Patrick made light of Ali's failed attempt at love with Juan Pablo by walking out of the limo with a soccer ball, and then kicking it as far away as he could...Which wasn't very far. 

Unfortunately for Ali, Patrick fell in love with Andrew before the first Cocktail Party concluded.

Andrew Poole - Andrew Poole is a social media marketer during the week, and a secret race car driver on the weekends. Of his budding bromance Andrew said, "Patrick and I get along pretty well. The guy dresses well, he's very suave, I feel like we have a lot in common."


Andrew Poole

Mike Campanelli - Mike Campanelli, a bartender from Utah, seemed out of his element, both in his career, and on the show.

Sadly, Andi put Mike Campanelli right back on his bike and sent him back home Utah to be with all of his moms.

Eric Hill - Sadly, an adventurist who liked to skydive and base jump while filming some sort of adventure show, Eric lost his life in hang gliding accident after the show aired.

Josh Murray. While Andi admitted that she didn't trust this former pro baseball from Atlanta, she also acknowledged that she kind of liked him. I'm guessing that Josh will get .

Josh Murray turns out to the be the older brother of Georgia quarterback and recent NFL draft pick, Aaron Murray.

Chris Bukowski. As a surprise, America's sweetheart Chris Bukowski, the lovable lug from Emily's season who has issues with girls who have their own opinions, showed up at the Cocktail Party basically demanding to join the show.

Chris just so happened to magically find out exactly when the first Cocktail Party was, which amazingly seems to happen every season when it comes to prior contestants who were completely unlikable, kind of like Shawntel Newton and Kacy B.

As the music group Modest Mouse asked in the song aptly named "Bukowski," "Why do you have to be such an asshole?"

And when Chris Harrison tried to play dumb and asked him, "How do you even know we were filming," I'm pretty sure I heard Chris whisper, "Because you told me, dude."

Bukowski went on to add, "I'm not leaving, just to let you know," and at one point I started to think that he was going to take Chris Harrison hostage.

In her only good decision of the night, Andi had the sense to decline Chris Harrison's offer to let Bukowski join the show if she was willing to play along, and he was escorted off the set by security.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "Trish railed on me like a frickin wild skeleton, blue eyed banshee"

 

This week's episode of Survivor began with Spencer confronting Woo for agreeing to vote out Tony, but going back on his word at last week's Tribal Council.

So in other words, Spencer called him out for the way he had been playing the entire game.

Woo explained that he decided to keep Tony around because he had burned so many bridges throughout the game that he felt he would be able to beat him if they went to the finals together.

Unfortunately for Woo, Tony realized that taking him to the end of the game was a losing proposition, and he was already formulating a plan to blindside Woo to "reward him" for his loyalty throughout the game.

The Reward Challenge required the competitors to dive into a mud pit, coat their bodies, and scrape the mud from their bodies and into a bucket.

In addition to revitalized skin, whoever collected the most mud after ten minutes also received a pizza that was to be delivered to them back at camp, which was actually a pretty nice reward since it wasn't from Papa John's.

Unfortunately this challenge came a few weeks too late, because instead of the hot girls who had already been voted off getting all lathered up in mud, the only girls left to watch were Trisha Hagerty and Kass McQuillen.

When Tony ended up winning, Jeff Probst revealed that he also got to choose one additional player to join him for pizza, which Tony announced by shouting, "Anorexia, come on over," in reference to Trish, who may or may not have "turned" two weeks ago.

Worse yet, Tony turned out to be one of those east coast idiots who fold their pizza slices in half before eating them, because clearly when you take a bite of pizza you want to taste as much dough as possible.

Despite his ties to Woo, Tony told Kass that he wanted to take her to the finals, mainly because he knew that she and Trish were the only players he could beat.

However, despite what seemed to be a free pass to the finals from one of her biggest enemies, Kass for some reason decided to inform Woo of that plan and put Tony on the spot.

In the process, Kass proudly dubbed herself "Chaos Kass," not realizing that her chaos was causing a butterfly effect that was likely fucking up her only chance to win the game, since the only way anyone on the Jury would possibly vote for her was if she was up against two completely unlikable people in the final, like Tony and Trish.

Woo finally realized that Tony was planning to try and blindside him, and seemed receptive to Kass and Spencer's offer to form a final three alliance.

However, when they discussed voting Trish out first since they knew Tony had at least one Idol, Trish just happened to be walking by and overheard Kass say, "Trish is a go."

Sure enough, the thought that Kass might have a hand in her possible demise caused Trish to lose her shit.

"(That) really infuriated me, because I've been sitting here trying to be nice to Kass this entire time, which has really been exhausting for me, but I can tell you this, she'll be sorry she did that."

The Immunity Challenge required the competitors to untangle a rope to release a key, use rungs to build a ladder and stairway, and then climb up and solve a slide puzzle.

Spencer ended up erasing a huge lead that Tony had when he started his slide puzzle and ended up winning Immunity.

After the Immunity Challenge, Trish proclaimed, "Spencer, I think you're a great guy, I just have a quick question for Kass, 'Do you think I'm stupid?'"

That turned out to be a rhetorical question, as Spencer's win essentially eliminated Trish from the game considering that Tony had an Idol, and Trish was never going to be smart enough to put together a plan to flip on him even if he didn't play it.

But that didn't stop Trish from telling Kass how much better she was than her. "You don't want to argue with me Kass, and let me tell you something, I'd rip you apart in 30-seconds."

Fortunately, Tony of all people interrupted Trish and pulled her aside, but not before telling Kass that she was a Llama.

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Surprisingly, Kass remained relatively calm throughout all of her granma - llama drama with Trish.

Scrambling, Tony asked Trish and Woo if they were questioning his integrity, and he pretty much got his answer when Woo asked, "All I want to know is did you promise (Kass) on your wife and child?"

And that's when Woo finally seemed to realize that it might be time to make a move and vote Trish out.

However, Tony was trying to listen in and saw Woo shake hands on making a deal with Spencer.

When he pulled him aside to as "WTF?", Woo immediately indicated that he still wasn't sure what he was going to do.

And while that type of scene is usually included just to build some drama heading into the final scene, with Woo waffling more than one of the Clintons, all bets were off.

At Tribal Council, Kass told on Trish for verbally attacking her by saying, "The moment we got back, Trish railed on me like a frickin wild skeleton blue eyed banshee."

"When Jeff asked, What was that again," Kass said I don't even know what  I said, but I'm sure it was accurate."

Of course Kass was obviously pretty proud of that line since it was the second time that she had used it this episode in referring to Trish's appearance.

Kass went on to declare, "I didn't predict that psycho bitch would come out at me today," before she called Tony out for playing multiple sides.

That didn't sit well with Tony, but all he could muster up to say was, "She just sits there with the same grin on her face...Look, there it is," to which Kass added, "Well you're making an ass of yourself."

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Woo described his tribemates as a family, referring to himself as their foreign exchange student.


No more yankey my wankey, Woo needs beer!

Before the vote, Tony announced his plans to play one of his two Idols, and he displayed them both.

Spencer feigned surprise, saying that he had planned to vote for Tony, but that his Idol had "complicated things."

Tony played his regular Immunity Idol, pretentding that his other Idol that came with "special powers" allowed him to play it next week, even though this was really the final week he could play either.

Much to Trish's surprise and Kass's delight, when the final vote was read Trish was eliminated.

Trish managed to turn and say "Thank you, and good luck" as her torch was extinguished, only to have Kass flip her the bird.

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Thursday, May 15, 2014

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "I don't like to be the one slack jawed at Tribal Council"

This week Survivor began with Tony's alliance furious at him for voting against Jefra at the previous Tribal Council without telling them first.

And while Trish complained, "I don't like to be the one slack jawed at Tribal Council, and now that's happened twice," she went right back to following him like a puppy...or at least a horse who had a good teeth whitening.


In all fairness to Tony, Trish Hegarty's not just been slack jawed at Tribal Council, it seems to come to her naturally.

Of course, each and every member of Tony's alliance was arrogant enough to actually believe that they were his #1 despite his pattern of deception.

In fact, Tony was already moving on and trying to make deals for the finals with members of the other alliance.

Kass, who to this point had been both awful in challenges and completely unlikable around camp, felt the need to get her two cents in instead of being smart and laying low. 

"Tony, I know you're feeling proud of yourself right now, but you don't have to act like that...You're gettin' really old here Tony, I mean you're talking to people so condescending. Right now, you're kind of being a jerk."

To make matters worse, Kass got upset when she thought she heard Tony say, "Kass is such a bitch, did you hear her last night?"

While Spencer confirmed to the camera that Tony had not said that about her, he neglected to relay that information to Kass so as to keep the tension up around camp and keep the target off of himself.

"Kass legitimately misheard Tony. So now Tony is telling the truth, which was rare, I mean this is a special moment...Am I going to clear up the moment? NO!"

When Tony tried to smooth things over with Kass, tensions between the two of them got even more heated, with Kass saying, "I expect that of him, because he's an idiot," and Tony snapping, "You act like you're a 4-year-old."

Kass even made things a little personal when she snapped, "That's why I'm composed and you're not. Hopefully in the next two months you'll do some growing before you hit 40."

Apparently too stupid to realize that she had nobody to back her, Kass was bold enough to add, "I think I will write your name down...Make sure you play your Idol."

For some reason Tony let his emotions take over and he tipped his hand when he blurted out, "You'll go home, because I got a "special" Idol, that's why!"

The Reward Challenge required two teams to throw sandbags at a block wall for the other team in order to knock it over the fastest, and then switch sides to see who could rebuild their own wall the fastest.

Spencer, Kass and Woo came from behind to win reward, which turned out to be a trip to bring supplies to a local school, where they also got to have an American style hot dog and hamburger grill out.

Surprisingly, once Woo escaped Tony's shadow and got to the school, he actually displayed a personality.

Specifically, he put on a pretty cool martial arts and basketball show to inspire the local youth, and he did it without Tony even telling him that it was okay. 

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While they were on their reward, Kass proposed a final three deal with Spencer and Woo.

But as usual, while Woo indicated that he might be interested, he was less than committal without Tony there to hold his wang.

The Immunity Challenge required the competitors to race out and remember the total number of items at six different stations, and then use those number totals to solve a combination.

After a half an hour of running back and forth, Spencer finally won Immunity.

Spencer, Tash, Kass and Woo all agreed to split the vote to try and blindside Tony, or at least flush out his Immunity Idol.

However, Spencer made the rookie mistake of assigning the duty of voting against Tony to the two boys, which essentially put the whole plan to blindside Tony in Woo's hands even though he had a history of not following through on verbal plans to make a big move.

Sure enough, the plan to blindside Tony fell apart at Tribal Council when Woo decided not to vote against him as he said he would, which lead to Tasha getting sent home instead. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "I opened it up and I almost wet my pants"




This week's Survivor started with Jefra attempting to justify why she backed out on the plan to blindside Tony at least week's Tribal Council.

Jefra Bland: Pagaent queens may not be known for their answers to serious questions...and there's a reason for that.

Meanwhile, Kass was upset that Spencer had the audacity to play the Hidden Immunity Idol that he had found rather than share it with someone else.

That caused Kass to pretentiously ask, "What is the most selfish beast on the planet? A college age male," forgetting that nobody wants to hear the opinion of a post menopausal woman...That is, unless she's Sarah Palin. 

When Woo came back from getting "tree mail" with pocket books for everyone to participate in the traditional Survivor food auction, Trish's decision not to do her Kegels in her early 40's reared its ugly head.

"I opened it up and I almost wet my pants!"

At the auction Jefra made a blind bid and won quesadillas, guacamole, salsa and a margarita, which worked out well since she had told the rest of the tribe that she wanted guacamole more than anything else in the world.

Jefra Bland wanted guacamole more than anything else in the world...That is, except for a low level NASCAR driver for a husband.

The anorexic Trish bought a "Zonk" and wound up with nothing for her money but rice and water, which was actually only slightly less nutritious than her normal diet of carrots and salt licks.

Sadly, Trisha Hegarty drew the outside lane in the Kentucky Derby.

Woo bid on and won BBQ ribs and a beer at a bargain price because Spencer, Tony and Tasha were all saving all of their money to bid on an advantage for the game.

However, while Tony and Spencer both maxed out their bid for that "advantage," Tasha elected not to bid, which bit her in the ass when the auction concluded without any more items to bid on.

As it turned out, Tony and Spencer drew rocks, with Tony winning the clue to yet another Hidden Immunity Idol.

Sure enough, he found it as soon as he got back to camp, which gave him two Idols and continued the streak of Survivor's biggest villain finding every single Idol that's ever been hidden.

The Immunity Challenge required the competitors to pull up a buried rope that had five bags of balls attached to it, and then maneuver each of them through a table maze the fastest.

For the third time in a row Tasha ended up winning Immunity, this time over Woo. And with Tasha safe from eviction, that put a target square on Spencer heading into Tribal Council.

However, Tony was so paranoid that he thought he actually started to think that he was plotting against himself.

Spencer wisely played on Tony's fear of an all girl alliance, and sold Jefra out for taking voting Tony out under consideration last week.

And when Tony seemed interested in blindsiding Jefra, his house bitch Woo didn't hesitate to indicate that he was on board too. 

Sure enough, at Tribal Council Tony announced that he was upset with Jefra for plotting against him, and he put on his Immunity Idol and indicated that he was going to play it.

However, he didn't end up playing it, nor did he need to as Woo, Spencer and Tasha all ended up voting to blindside Jefra.

And that sent her back home to Kentucky where she can go back to spending her Friday nights at the local Applebee's hitting on aspiring NASCAR drivers who will never make it further than the local dirt track in Paintsville.

Given her affinity for "the races," Jefra Bland is a poor girl's version of Emily Maynard from "The Bachelor."