Friday, January 31, 2014

Super Bowl XLVIII Prediction: Because Super Bowl XLVIII will be bigger than Pam Oliver's ass!

With teams from the two states to legalize weed competing in the Super Bowl, we are about to embark upon a stoner's dream in East Rutherford, New Jersey this week, aptly being called by some, "The Smoke-a-Bowl."

There are so many questions to debate before finally making my predictions for Super Bowl XLVIII.

With Mike Ditka saying that a cold weather outdoor game is "a big mistake" and "stupid," will New York be able to handle any bad weather and play football as it was meant to be played on any other playoff weekend?

Or will an entire city abandon their cars in the middle of the highway and run like they do in the South after a light dusting of snow or the rumor of an approaching northern battalion?

After cornering the market on television commercials, will Peyton Manning continue to find a way to revolutionize the sports marketing industry by finding new ways to earn endorsements while the game is going on?

And you thought Omaha Steaks were the next natural endorsement deal for Peyton Manning!
And what will be bigger, the halftime show by Bruno Mars, or Pam Oliver's ass?

The lost member of the Jackson 5, Bruno Mars is playing the Super Bowl Halftime Show

Super Bowl XLVIII will be bigger than Pam Oliver's ass! Well...maybe not quite THAT big.

Fortunately, in order to counteract all of that excitement Fox is having Joe Buck and Troy Aikman call the game.

In any event, let's break down the match-ups for Super Bowl 48.

Quarterbacks - As much as I hate to admit it, Denver has the best quarterback of all time in Peyton Manning.

Nobody has ever had the mix of talent, command of his offenses, and ability to read defenses that Manning has.

And as much as I dislike Peyton, there's something about his brother Eli having one more Super Bowl ring than he does that kind of makes me want to throw up in my mouth.

With his in depth attention to detail and film study, Russell Wilson is described by some of his NFL peers to be the most prepared quarterback to come into the league since Peyton Manning himself.

Still, for all of his upside, Russell Wilson is not Peyton Manning, at least not yet.

Advantage - Denver.

Receivers - It's probably time that we give some consideration to the current Denver Broncos receiving corps as possibly being one of the best groups ever in the NFL. 

Demaryius Thomas is one of the best all around receivers in the game, Wes Welker has revolutionized the slot receiver position, and Eric Decker's size and strength make him a nightmare to defend opposite Thomas, who just might be the best tight end in football.

Throw in a ridiculously athletic tight end like Julius Thomas for a QB like Peyton Manning, and it's almost unfair to opposing defenses...Actually, it is unfair to opposing defenses.

On the other hand, Seattle has a bunch of turds and Percy Harvin...And that's only when he's not on his period. I mean seriously, is there a less reliable player in the NFL than Percy Harvin?

Advantage - Denver.

Running Game - Sure, Marshawn Lynch might accidentally slip into "Beast Mode" from time to time when he's trying to drive home from the bar, but when he's in "Beast Mode" on the field, few defenses can stop Seattle's power running game.

Denver's running attack is also strong with Knowshon Moreno and Montee Ball, but Ball's hands and ball security have been an issue at times, and could to prove to be a liability should John Fox decide to trust him with any extended role in the Super Bowl.

Advantage - Seattle.

Pass Protection - Seattle's offensive line is an asset in both pass protection and the running game, while Peyton Manning's veteran savvy and quick release have helped the Broncos overcome a season ending injury to All-Pro LT Ryan Clady that at the time seemed devastating.

Advantage: Seattle.

Retro Commercial Break: Dennis Hopper's iconic Nike ad campaign as "Stanley the Referee."

Pass Rush - Could there be a bigger front office/agent blunder than the Broncos failing to finalize a deal with former pass rush star Elvis Dumervil before last season's free agent deadline?

There's more than and realistic chance that mistake could even cost the Broncos a Super Bowl, especially with Von Miller's legal problems and season ending injury.

That's something I would have expected from Josh McDaniels and Brian Xanders, not John Elway. Then again, on second thought...

Seattle can throw speed rushers Bruce Irvin and Cliff Avril at Denver, which is slightly better than anything Denver has to offer.

Advantage: Seattle.

Run Defense - Seattle's defensive line is built to stop the run with an extremely bulky left end in Red Bryant.

Denver's run defense is based more upon their speedy linebackers, but that could be a match-up problem against a powerful runner like Marshawn Lynch.

Advantage: Seattle.

Pass Defense - Despite the controversy, we'll get to see the best cornerback in the game play on Sunday, and I'm not talking about Richard Sherman.

I'm talking about Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and his threat to retire after just five NFL seasons should the Broncos win the Super Bowl.

Quentin Jammer and Champ Bailey may be old, but their veteran savvy should be enough to counteract the lackluster receivers that they'll be facing for the Seahawks.

As for Richard Sherman, the only way he'll be able to stay with Demaryius Thomas is with help from the safety over the top, and that's a recipe for disaster for Seattle, considering that they'd be forced into single coverage on Wes Welker, Eric Decker and/or Julius Thomas...It's just a matter of the Seahawks picking their poison.

When it comes to Peyton Manning and Richard Sherman, the advantage goes to Manning.

Advantage: Seattle.

Special Teams - Trindon Holliday is an electric return man, while Matt Prater is a fantastic outdoor kicker should the need arise.

Advantage: Denver.

Key Players - Peyton Manning, Wes Welker, Julius Thomas, Demaryius Thomas, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Trindon Holliday, Marshawn Lynch, Percy Harvin, Richard Sherman, Earl Thomas, Bruce Irvin.

Intangibles - The Seahawks aren't the same team away from home, while Peyton Manning is still Peyton Manning no matter where he plays.

MVP Prediction - Peyton Manning.

At the end of Super Bowl Sunday, Peyton Manning will be the one who's "Going to Disney World!"

Final Predictions:

Denver 31 - Seattle 24
Denver -2 over Seattle
Over 47.5

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "I kind of want to crap my pants"

This week's episode of The Bachelor began with with the announcement that the girls would be packing up and traveling to South Korea, where Juan Pablo would forced to explain reality TV to government officials or risk the execution of his family.

Oh wait, that's North Korea.

Things kicked off with a Group Date focused around 2NE1 (pronounced "twenty-one"), a K-Pop (Korean pop) group that can probably be best described as The Spice Girls meets Hello Kitty meets the Pussy Cat Dolls, all in a mall inspired concert inspired by Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.

So in other words, the K-Pop as a genre pretty much just represents every awkward teenage boy's wet dream all rolled up into one this side of Alyssa Milano.

Nikki was upset to learn that she would be going on the first Group Date of the week instead of the 1-on-1 Date that she was seeking.

However, she said, "I'm not going to like pout and throw a giant fit like I kind of want to do," which ironically, is exactly what she went on to do.

She went on to say, "It's weird for me, you know I don't have sisters at home, and I don't have to share a lot of things at home."

The only thing Nikki Ferrell forgot to mention was the part where she's an aspiring model...and that she doesn't have any friends back at home either.

And when she found out that she'd be dancing onstage with a girl-group Nikki could only say, "This is my worst nightmare...I kind of want to crap my pants."

Unlike Nikki, Kat, the former Phoenix Sun dancer, was absolutely ecstatic for the opportunity to crap her pants in front of thousands of screaming teens if it gave her a chance to show off the fact that she used to fuck mediocre NBA players.

Wait, what's that? Cassandra Ferguson is the ex-cheerleader who used to fuck NBA players? And who is Kat Hurd, and why is she wearing two bras?

Meanwhile, after dancing to a Korean girl pop group, Nikki referred to herself a "hip-hop star," as Vanilla Ice turned over in his grave somewhere in south Florida.

Juan Pablo then took the girls to the Korea Furniture Museum, not understanding that all women love IKEA, not IKOREA.

On the Group Date, bitches be hatin' on Nikki for trying to manipulate Juan Pablo's time, but it paid off when she got some precious alone time with him.

And when Juan Pablo asked Nikki, "How do you feel about Camilla," she said, "I'd love to meet her...I'm a great diaper changer," apparently not realizing that Camilla is four, not two.

The 1-on-1 Date went to Sharleen, who Juan Pablo referred to as, "My favorite one right now."

However, the jury was still out about whether Sharleen even liked Juan Pablo, was just trying to advance her career as an opera singer, just wanted to screw him, or all the above.

However, as the date went on Sharleen seemed impressed that Juan Pablo was "not bland," noting how he was "cheeky" and a bit of a "smart ass."

And while being called "not bland" isn't exactly a vote of confidence, when a girl tells you that you're a "smart ass" you're probably doing something right.

When Sharleen went on to say, "He is curious about the world, about other lifestyles,"she obviously meant to add, "with the exception of homosexuals."

Things got interesting when Juan Pablo asked Sharleen to show him a little something-something at the end of their date.

And while she acted as if she was reluctant, you could tell she wanted to. "Mister, this is our first real date, it takes a while for me to feel comfortable with someone to just sort of...Close your eyes."

Then, after 30 seconds and several high pitched shrills, Sharleen was done singing opera for Juan Pablo.

Sharleen Joynt then went in aggressive for some aggressively sloppy kissing with Juan Pablo.

Sharleen then went on tell Juan Pablo that she hated living in Germany initially because nobody there could speak English, and that she once had a relationship with a guy that didn't go very well because she couldn't handle the fact that he had a four year old daughter with another woman.

And after confirming that Sharleen probably wasn't the right girl for him or his own four-year-old daughter, Juan Pablo gave her a rose because he appreciated her honesty...And her pipes.

The second Group Date involved a simple stroll around the city of Seoul to explore its local culture. 

Juan Pablo's "smart ass" side came back out when Clare randomly complained about the possibility of having to eat octopus.

"Clare is great, she says, please tell me we're not going to eat octopus....Uhhh...You just made the worst mistake of your life," as Juan Pablo forced the girls to all try

However, Kelly T. was less than impressed with Clare's antics as she protested eating her octopus testicle to get attention.  "Her piece was literally this big, and I know you've swallowed bigger things than that."

Kelly Travis and friend Lindsay Larson...I've always wanted a Bud Light penis.

The pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party probably would have been more dramatic, only Juan Pablo started getting stingy about who he would kiss, making it pretty obvious which girls he thought had STD's...And still didn't care.

Sure enough, Lauren S. got denied when she tried to kiss Juan Pablo, who told her "Sorry" when she asked him for "un beso" (a kiss), under the guise that he didn't want his daughter Camilla see him kiss girls that he didn't think were pretty. 

On the other hand, when Clare was asked, "Are you going to try and kiss him," she replied, "Oh, I'm not going to try and kiss him."

But first, she had to set the mood just right, telling Juan Pablo, "Oh my God, I ate octopus! Do you know what happened? I threw up in my mouth."

Of course, Juan Pablo was still on his no kiss policy, but Clare wisely countered that by reminding him that she had instituted a "no kiss" policy of her own just one week earlier.

And through the power of double negatives, Juan Pablo realized that he was obligated to kiss Clare, even though he didn't want to.

At the Rose Ceremony, Juan Pablo elected not to give a rose to Lauren or Elise.

That allowed Elise Mosca to go back to being "The Jersey Whore" as "The Situation's" long standing booty call. Wait, has Snooki already trademarked that phrase?

And as she left, Elise tried to justify her departure saying, "Do you know what? My mom didn't want me to be around such negative and ugly people."

Of course, Elise Mosca's mom was just a whore too.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Blogging SURVIVOR: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - Meet The Cast

Survivor - Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty is upon us, which would be more aptly titled Ex-Athletes vs. Attorneys and Asians vs. Pageant Queens, Models and Gay Guys, except it just didn't have the same zing.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website.

Alexis Maxwell - A 21-year-old student at Northwestern University in Chicago.

Tribe: Beauty.

Pros: She got into Northwestern, so she has to be smart in addition to being a "beauty."

Cons: She claims that she will put her background in psychology to good use on the show, which would make her the first person in history to ever put an undergrad psychology major to any sort of practical use whatsoever.

Alexis Maxwell: See, not all girls from Northwestern are ugly.

Brice Johnston - A 27-year-old social worker from Philadelphia.

Tribe: Beauty.

Pros: Claims that everyone who he meets like him, but also that he can "turn into a person-eating bitch," so he's obviously this season's catty gay guy.

Cons: While he's officially a "beauty," Brice also considers himself fit enough to have been a "brawn," which clearly means that he hasn't looked at himself in the mirror any time recently.

Brice Johnston REALLY likes to grab his crotch..I mean like, he seriously might have a problem.

Jefra Bland - A 22-year-old former Miss Teen Kentucky.

Tribe: Beauty.

Pros: Jefra overcame growing up with a father who had a pain pill addiction.

Cons: That means that she's just like any other girl who grew up in Kentucky.

Jefra Bland looks like she's struggling to keep her boobs inside her swim suit.

Jeremiah Wood - A 34-year-old male model from Dobson, North Carolina.

Tribe: Beauty.

Pros: He claims to be athletic, even though he's a male model.

Cons: Lists his essential item as a "North Carolina flag" and claims that he wants to "prove to the world that a country boy can survive," meaning that Hank Williams, Jr. still gets way too much airplay in the south.

Jeremiah Wood doing his best Marty McFly impersonation.

L.J. McKanas - A 34-year-old horse trainer from Boston.

Tribe: Beauty.

Pros: Considers himself athletic, witty and charming.

Cons: People from Boston always have super over-inflated egos about themselves, so I'm guessing that he's never played sports, can barely carry a conversation (unless it's about Tom Brady or the Sox), and that his favorite song is "Date Rape" by Sublime.

L.J. McKanas certainly isn't a brain considering that he hasn't figured out that Boston isn't really a hotspot for horse training.

Morgan McLeod - A 21-year-old former San Francisco 49ers cheerleader.

Tribe: Beauty. 

Pros: She's so hot that I want to punch her in the face.

Cons: Lists her three essential items as a razor to shave her legs, an i-Phone and her Instagram account...Which means that pooping in the woods is probably going to be really, really difficult for her.

I'm not a big 49ers fan, but I really like Morgan McLeon's pom-poms.

David Samson - 45-year-old President of the Miami, Marlins baseball team.

Tribe: Brains.

Pros: Has finished an Ironman Triathlon, proving that he has physical and mental endurance.

Cons: Not only is he President of the worst franchise in all of Major League Baseball, but he left the team mid-season to compete on a reality show.

Then again, the way that he's viewed by Marlin fans, it probably wasn't a bad idea for David Samson to take a sabbatical and play reality TV star in the middle of a season.

Garrett Adelstein - A 27-year-old professional poker player from California.

Tribe: Brains.

Pros: Has completely over prepared himself by studying every aspect of the game, including exercise, fasting and puzzles.

Cons: Lists one of his luxury items as a naked picture of a girl he wants to hook up with "in case all the hot girls get voted out," which shows that there are some things you just can't prepare yourself for no matter who hard you try.

Garrett Adelstein showing his "poker face."

J'Tia Taylor - A 31-year old nuclear engineer from Chicago.

Tribe: Brains.

Pros: She's probably smarter than anyone who's ever appeared on the show.

Cons: She seems like the super A-type personality who's going to try and boss everybody around, and as we all know, brains don't necessarily go hand in hand with social awareness.

J'Tia Taylor: Is that a gecko tattooed on her leg?

Kassandra "Kass" McQuillen - A 41-year-old attorney from California.

Tribe: Brains.

Cons: She describes herself as a rabble rouser, claims she's smarter than most people, and admits that she'll suck at challenges and look bad in a bikini.

Pros: None to think of.

Kass McQuillen

LaTasha "Tasha" Fox - A 37-year-old accountant from St. Louis.

Tribe: Brains.

Pros: She might secretly have a penis.

Cons: She's a Bible thumper, which probably won't go over so well in a tribe of "brains."

LaTasha Fox: Brain, or just a St. Louis Rams cheerleader?

Spencer Bledsoe - A 21-year-old economics student at the University of Chicago.

Tribe: Brains.

Pros: An endurance runner and high school chess champion in the state of Georgia.

Cons: Spencer not only seems very arrogant, but he lists Mitt Romney as his inspiration. Plus for as smart as he thinks he is, he still chose an unmarketable field like economics as his major.

Spencer Bledsoe: Gettin' One Night in Bangkok on that ass.

Cliff Robinson - A 46-year-old former NBA player.

Tribe: Brawn.

Pros: Former NBA All-Star, so he's obviously athletic...Or at least he was. He also claims to be able to fish and cook.

Cons: Robinson has had multiple arrests/suspensions for drugs and alcohol. He's only a slightly better swimmer than Bison Dele.

Cliff Robinson was headband, when headband wasn't cool.

Lindsey Ogle - A 29-year-old hairstylist from Kokomo, Indiana.

Tribe: Brawn.

Pros: She's in it to win it since she's a poor single mom.

Cons: Hairstylists are really just strippers without the heroin addictions and cool stage names, and I'm not necessarily ruling out a heroin addiction for Lindsey...or a prior career as a stripper.

Lindsey Ogle showing off her boobs...Now I definitely think she was a stripper.

Sarah Lacina - A 29-year-old police officer from Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

Tribe: Brawn.

Pros: May be the first person from Iowa to ever play the game of Survivor?

Cons: Claims to be cornfed and a master manipulator, which in most of Iowa constitutes as porn.

Sarah Lacina: This is what happens when you're a cop in a state that doesn't have black people.

Tony Vlachos - A 39-year-old police officer from Jersey City.

Tribe: Brawn.

Pros: He's got big arms and a douchey tattoo?

Cons: Lists his pet peeve as "Thugs who wear skinny jeans," meaning that he is so stupid that he has no idea what the word "thug" even means...Yet somehow he's a cop!

Tony Vlachos

Trish Hegarty - A 48-year-old pilates trainer from Massachusetts.

Tribe: Brawn.

Pros: She's pretty hot for 48, at least in a cougar kind of way...if you're into that.

Cons: She's old, but actually seems to be on the right tribe to be able to blend in age wise.

Trish Hegarty

Yung "Woo" Hwang - A 29-year-old martial arts instructor from Newport Beach, California.

Tribe: Brawn.

Pros: He seems to be in shape and have the agility to do well in challenges.

Cons: He's Asian, he's on Survivor, and he's not one of the smart people..It's kind of like Christina Cha all over again.

I love Yung Wang as much as the next guy, but do we really need more of it on Survivor?

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "I'm wearing glasses and no makeup, I'm not wearing a bra"

This week's episode of The Bachelor began with Pablo's daughter seemingly declaring on national TV that she didn't want chicken by saying, "No quiero pollo!"

However, what little Camilla was really trying to say that she "didn't want any gays," but her words got misconstrued due to the "language barrier."

The first 1-on-1 date of the week went to Cassandra, whom Juan Pablo took boating in some sort of James Bond inspired amphibious car, or as Cassandra said, "It kind of reminds me of a Jeep!"

Cassandra then proceeded to repeatedly tell Juan Pablo and the cameras how that her last "last first date was three years ago (when she was 18)."

The part she left out was that it was with NBA player Rodney Stuckey, and that it only took that one date for her to get pregnant.

Rodney Stuckey, Cassandra Ferguson, and their baby, "Gollum."

So when Cassandra showed Juan Pablo pictures of her son Tre, his only response was, "He's big," which was his way of saying, "Holy focking sheet, I didn't realize you managed to get knocked up by an NBA player at the age of 18."

Cassandra also revealed that "the last time that a guy cooked for me, was never," and that the last time a guy went down on her was...Well, lets just say that it was longer than three years ago.

However, instead of jumping in the water and swimming for shore, Juan Pablo for some reason gave Cassandra a rose.

That caused her to say (all in chorus now), "The last time I felt this way about a guy was three years ago."

The Group Date theme was announced as, "Let's kick it," which not so surprisingly turned out to be a soccer date.

And when the girls arrived at the stadium, they found Juan Pablo practicing with the L.A. Galaxy, because he needed a warm-up for playing soccer with girls.

Upon seeing him, Renee exclaimed, "Juan Pablo looks awesome! He's all sweaty, and he's doing what he loves!" Sadly, nobody ever says the same thing about adult film stars...Like Elise Mosca.

Kelly Travis complained about the theme of the date saying, "Do I look athletic at all?" Luckily for her, it was just soccer and not a real sport, like tennis.

For some reason Lucy didn't take the opportunity to rip her shirt off, even though soccer is the one medium outside of strip clubs and NASCAR infields where it acceptable for women to run around topless.

At the post date Cocktail Party, Sharleen, who was lukewarm at best to Juan Pablo when he offered her the First Impression Rose during week one, aggressively tongue kissed him to the extent that he had to tell her, "That's enough."
Worse yet, she did it in view of the other girls, which as you can guess, went over splendidly. That caused Andi to say in disappointment, "I just made out with him, I figured the rose was mine."

In actuality, the Group Date Rose went to Nikki, who wasn't even expecting to get it, nor was anybody else. 

The second 1-on-1 date of the week went to Chelsie, a "science educator" from Ohio, which in that state means that she probably teaches creationism at a Christian school just outside of Columbus.

That caused Elise to freak the fuck out. "I don't know if she's ready to be a step-mom. She seems like a baby to me (and) I don't know if having another daughter is what he wants."

Chelsie was visibly nervous to go out with Juan Pablo, apparently she hadn't been on a first date since she went out with Cassandra three years ago.

Juan Pablo took Chelsie out for Venezuelan food and a tandem bungee jump, which probably was the the wrong sequence to schedule those events.

In fact, if Juan Pablo was expecting a romantic evening, he probably should have skipped the Venezuelan food altogether.

Never mind.

After much delay and an anxiety attack, Chelsie finally tandem bungee jumped off of a tall bridge with Juan Pablo.

"I fucking jumped off a bridge! "I never had a first kiss hanging upside down off a bridge. That's about as epic as a first kiss gets."

In addition to her first kiss, Chelsie also got a rose and song from the new Bachelor house band, Maroon 5, who announced a new tour where they will be playing each and every 1-on-1 Date.

Unbeknownst to the other girls, Juan Pablo snuck into the Mansion to cook breakfast for all of them. Of course, his ulterior motive was to catch all of them at a time when they were not necessarily looking their best.

Kelly was the first to realize that Juan Pablo was downstairs in the kitchen cooking when she got up early to walk her dog, Molly...Which for some reason she was allowed to bring with her on the show.

Sure enough, Kelly quickly scrambled upstairs covering her unmade pug like nose saying, "My grandmother said never let a man see you without your face on."

But then Kelly said, "I'm wearing glasses and no makeup, I'm not wearing a bra," which actually turned me on just a little bit...At least until I realized that she was still Kelly Travis.

Kelly Travis tragically had the end of her nose severed during rough sex, kind of like the girl in Silence of the Lambs, only she was trying to do it with a German shepherd, not a serial killer.

Unlike Kelly, Clare managed to catch Juan Pablo's eye even in a natural state. That caused him to say in his best Hispanic accent, "Clare look really good in p-yamas."

What began as breakfast, turned into a bikini pool party.

That turned Kelly into the girl who pooped in everyone's Easter basket, saying about Sharleen, "You can be a little bit more considerate, because there are fourteen other girls and you look like a whore."

And when Nikki procured Juan Pablo as a partner for a game of chicken Kelly complained, "Juan Pablo's head was in her crotch for like twenty minutes."

Of course, as the girl who was clearly sexually abused as a child and now takes dogs just a little too seriously, Kelly was just pissed off that somebody else got to sniff the first crotch of the season.

For some reason I'm thinking that Kelly Travis is still going to be looking for a "forever home" after Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor is over.

After acting like an ice princess in week one, and then a desperate fame seeking whore this week, Sharleen seemed to have a mini-melt down.

"When you have to make a spectacle of yourself to be noticed, that's just not how I would be like in the real world."

That caused Juan Pablo to hug her, and Sharleen to break down crying in a touching moment of knowing where the camera was.

In the end, Lucy Aragon and her boobs were too much, or possibly too little for Juan Pablo to take, and he sent her home without a rose.

Likewise, he also sent some girl named Christy home, who was probably the least memorable girl this side of Lauren S.

But don't worry about Lucy, she landed on her feet. The free spirited hippie was also so selfless that she compromised her anti-corporation beliefs purely in the name of true love when she began dating Evan Spiegel, the CEO of Snapshot after the show aired.

Lucy Aragon probably wasn't step-mom material for Juan Pablo's little girl, but she does make for a nice little sex toy for Snapshot's CEO.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "I would assume it's a photo shoot, or maybe it's eating cheese. I'm good at both, so I'm alright with either."

This week's episode of The Bachelor began surrounded in controversy after Juan Pablo Galavis was quoted as saying that there shouldn't be a homosexual version of the show, and that gays were more likely to be "perverts" than their straight counterparts, namely the Catholics and Penn State alums.

Juan Pablo later went on to blame the whole fiasco about gays being "perverts" as a misunderstanding with his words being misconstrued because of the "language barrier."

Of course, the Spanish word for "pervert" is "pervertido," so I'll let you do the math on that.

On to less important things, the season's first 1-on-1 Date, which went to Clare, a hairstylist from Sacramento.

And while I'm not saying that Clare Crawley is beneath Juan Pablo, hair stylists are pretty much just strippers without the cool stage names and heroin addictions.

Juan Pablo took Clare to a park in L.A. that had been covered with artificial snow and set up with an ice skating rink and a really crappy sledding hill.

Clare revealed to Juan Pablo that she had a history of dating guys who "Weren't emotionally all there," although she didn't qualify whether she meant their mental health, or whether they just weren't all that in to her.

Clare went on to inform Juan Pablo that any man who wanted to date her would have to live up to the lofty standard set by her father.

"My dad was like one of the greatest, greatest men that there is."

Unfortunately, as a point of reference, Clare's father was probably Brett Michaels, although the DNA tests won't be revealed until next week on a very special edition of Maury Povich.

When Juan Pablo gave Clare a Rose she gushed, "If this is the beginning of our love story, I can't wait to see what comes next." (Spoiler alert to Clare...He dates all fifteen of your roommates and you freak the fuck out).

I'm still trying to figure out what Juan Pablo Galavis has tattooed on his left arm.

Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor Mansion we had a topless girl in the hot tub alert.

And to nobody's surprise, the topless girl was Lucy Aragon.

Of course, Renee probably put it best when she said, "Lucy, she's super hippie, fun, crazy, kind of girl. It's only a matter of time before those were going to pop out of her bathing suit."

However, not all of the other girls were as amused, with Nikki complaining, "Lucy doesn't leave much to the imagination. Lucy apparently forgot to pack bikini tops."

And you know when one girl keeps referring to the other one by her first name, things are starting to get a little catty.

Speaking of catty, the second 1-on-1 Date went to Kat Hurd, the medical sales rep and former Phoenix Suns dancer.

Kat Hurd

Juan Pablo and Kat traveled via a private jet to Salt Lake City for some sort of neon glow stick themed dance party. However, since the state of Utah outlawed dancing years back, they re-branded that rave as an "Electric Run."

Juan Pablo Galavis and Kat Hurder at the Salt Lake City "Electric Run," which was kind of like Xanadu, only minus the roller skates and awesomeness which is Olivia Newton-John.

Back at the Mansion, the Group Date was announced with the theme being "Say Cheese!"

That caused Kelly Travis to say, "I would assume it's a photo shoot, or maybe it's eating cheese. I'm good at both, so I'm alright with either."

And if there could anything better than cheese for Kelly, who lists her occupation as a "dog lover," the date turned out to be a photo shoot that doubled as a fund raiser for a pet rescue shelter. 

Meanwhile, Lucy saw the theme of the Group Date as another perfect opportunity to flash her tits, saying, "How can I get Juan Pablo's attention, I'm thinking maybe this."

Lucy Aragon keeps showing her tits to distract us all from the crazy that's clearly oozing from her eyes.

And while Lucy obviously has no concerns about going nude on national TV, she still had fears about the photo shoot. They weren't rational fears, but she had fears nonetheless.

"There was a lot of pooping, there was a lot of disorder. My biggest fear was that one of the dogs was going to pee on me because I was wearing somebody else's shoes today."

Sure enough, the producers of The Bachelor once again found away to put the girl with a phobia in an uncomfortable position.

Much like they have a knack for sending the girls who are afraid of heights on bungee jumping dates and helicopter rides, they assigned Lucy a fire hydrant costume in a room full of dogs that she was already afraid might pee on her.

Lucy wasn't the only girl upset with her photo shoot costume, as Elise was not at all happy about receiving nothing but two small signs to cover her private areas.

And when Elise said, "I'm a first grade teacher, and I just want to make sure that I'm always a good role model," she apparently forgot the part where she used to star in soft core porn.

If you're trying to figure out which one Elise Mosca is, she's the one who looks like a dog trying to work a poop out on the couch.

To be perfectly honest, I didn't think that Elise's video was all that bad...However, being The Situation's booty call from The Jersey Shore is a probably deal breaker for anybody.

Nonetheless, it made too much sense for Elise not to switch costumes with Lucy who said, "If that's going to make you comfortable and happy, I'm happy to do it...I'm really glad that I switched with Elise. I'm happy to take off my top, as always."

Of course, I don't think that heading out naked down a public street was part of the photo shoot, but that didn't stop Lucy Aragon from taking her puppies for a walk. 

Being a crazy dog lover, Kelly Travis would have pretty much dressed up in any costume that they gave her, and was less than pleased that Elise was bitching about her costume saying, "Wear the fire hydrant and shut the fuck up, seriously."

Either Kelly Travis looks ridiculous in black face, or former NBA player Sam Cassell is not aging well.

Like Elise, Andi also received nothing but a cardboard sign. Worse yet, the straight laced district attorney from Atlanta noted how she was the only girl in the house who brought a one piece swimsuit with her on the show. 

However, as Andi stressed over whether or not to pose nude for the photo shoot, Juan Pablo used his charm to get her out of clothes when he said in his best Latin accent, "We both be naked, so eats (sic) okay."

...And now Andi Dorfman will always have a picture of Juan Pablo, Lucy and herself to hang over her parents' fireplace.

At the post photo shoot cocktail party, Cassandra pulled Juan Pablo aside and told him about kid the kid she had with mediocre NBA player, Rodney Stuckey.

I'm not saying that Cassandra Ferguson's kid is ugly, but Tre actually makes Rodney Stuckey's jump shot look good.

Victoria earned the honor of being the first girl to get a little too drunk when she got smashed at the post date cocktail party, causing the judgmental Nikki to warn her, "You better tone it down."

However, that didn't stop Victoria, who insisted that she wasn't drunk and only had a glass of champagne.

And that's when shit got weird.

Victoria went on describe what she did, and what she wanted to do to Juan Pablo.

"If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I'm going to straddle him every day. Because that's what life is about straddling people, and things."

"If you do the heiman maneuver and somebody's like laying down and dying, you're going to have to like straddle them."

For some reason I'm thinking that Victoria Lima got her heiman maneuver out of the way around the age of 13.

Victoria then yelled out, "Who's leg do you have to hump around here to get some one on one time, huh?"

But when Victoria realized that she wasn't getting any alone time with Juan Pablo, she locked herself in the bathroom and cried on the floor...Just like my Homecoming Dance date in high school did.

Being to surrogate house mother to a bunch of crazy chicks, Renee took it upon herself to crawl under the door to the bathroom stall in order to console Victoria, who demanded to go home. 

Victoria Lima gets more ass than a toilet seat...Literally, she got all of the ass from the toilet seat she was crying on, plus Renee Oteri's.

After all that drama, it was pig faced Kelli, not Andi, who got the rose for being the best sport on the Group Date.

The next morning we saw Juan Pablo talking to Victoria in a hotel room that was NOT the fantasy suite.

And while Juan Pablo accepted Victoria's apology, he still sent her home on the spot since he didn't want risk his four-year-old daughter waking up in the middle of the night with some drunken psycho chick straddling her and trying to pop her heiman.

While news reporter Amy Long missed out on both the 1-on-1 and Group Dates, she did receive some one-on-one time with Juan Pablo at the Cocktail Party immediately before the Rose Ceremony.

Unfortunately, she decided to use that time to try and further her career and "interview" Juan Pablo instead of getting to know him.

And that's a wrap! Juan Pablo sent Amy Long back home without a rose.

Realizing that she was a bit of an ice queen last week when she had a lukewarm response to being offered the coveted First Impression Rose, Sharleen took off her perpetual bitch face and reached out to Juan Pablo.

Meanwhile, Renee appeared to be more concerned with mothering the other girls than she was with Juan Pablo.

In fact, she almost seemed perturbed when Juan Pablo took Cassandra aside as she was trying to console her over how ugly her kid is. "We were interrupted by Juan Pablo."

And while Cassandra managed to get a rose, as the token black girl Chantel wasn't so lucky.

That was kind of sad, not only because Cassandra really seemed interested in Juan Pablo, but because he was contractually obligated by ABC to eliminate her on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

And remember, don't be cruel to animals.