Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Survivor: San Juan del Sur — Meet The Cast

Survivor - San Juan del Sur: Blood vs. Water is upon us, which means that the contestants will once again be competing against their loved ones.

And while there are no returning players on this season, the cast is mostly made up of former beauty queens, athletes and other wanna be celebrities.

Twists this season include the return of Exile Island, as well as the premier of ex-MLB pitcher John Rocker as Survivor's racist villain...but only because Russell Hantz was too busy making some really important repairs to his Camaro to reprise that role this season.

Actually, I'm pretty relieved that CBS did not cast another member of the Hantz clan (and when I use the term clan, I mean it literally), because we were about a season away from having enough little inbred rednecks running around to form their own returning players tribe.

Fortunately, we were saved from having to experience that reality show...At least for now.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website.

Missy Payne - A 47-year-old owner of a competitive cheerleading gym in Dallas.

Missy Payne

Tribe: Hunahpu.

Pros: Well, she owns her own cheerleading studio, so good for her.

Cons: Then again, I'm pretty sure that every middle aged woman in Texas owns a competitive cheerleading gym...Or at least that's how I envision things down there.

Baylor Wilson - A 20-year-old musician currently living in Nashville. Missy's daughter.

Baylor Wilson

Tribe: Coyopa.

Pros: Baylor was part of the 2009 World Champion Cheerleading team, which means that she's used to guys looking up at her crotch. 

Cons: Not only is Baylor the youngest player in the game, but she's clearly on the show just to promote her musical career. In fact, I highly doubt that "Baylor" is her real given name considering that she's an aspiring country music singer from Texas. Then again, I imagine a lot of people in Texas name their offspring after ultra conservative Southern Baptist universities. In fact, Oral Roberts comes to mind.

John Rocker - The 39-year-old ex-Major League Baseball player from the sticks of Georgia.

Despite all his faults, John Rocker still has his fans. 
John Rocker don't like him no immigrants, gays or queers. 

Tribe: Coyopa.

Cons: Consider Rocker's racist remarks to Sports Illustrated about why he'd hate playing for and living in New York.

"I'd retire first. It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the 7 train to the ballpark looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing… The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?"

Pros: He recently followed his original ignorant comments up by blaming the Holocaust on gun control laws...Oh wait, that's not exactly a "Pro," is it?

Julie McGee - A 28-year-old actress, model and spray tan business owner from Atlanta. John Rocker's girlfriend.

Survivor contestant Julie McGee

Tribe: Hunahpu.

Pros: Well, she technically is a professional, I guess.

Cons: By spray tan business owner, Julie really means "stripper."

Nadiya Anderson - A 28-year-old cross-fit teacher from New Jersey.

Survivor contestant Nadiya Anderson

Tribe: Hunahpu.

Pros: Claims that her social game needs work because she and her sister don't care what people think about them.

Cons: Has already competed multiple times on The Amazing Race.

Natalie Anderson - A 28-year-old cross-fit teacher from New Jersey. Nadiya's twin sister.

In case you can't tell them apart, Natalie Anderson is the Indian one. 

Tribe: Coyopa.

Pros: Has already competed multiple times on The Amazing Race.

Cons: Claims that her social game needs work because she and her sister don't care what people think about them.

Reed Kelly - A 31-year-old Broadway performer and model.

Reed Kelly's penis, "The Gimp."

Tribe: Hunahpu.

Pros: He's Clay Aiken's ex-boyfriend, so he's basically proven that he can put up with just about anything.

Cons: I'm guessing that when he signed up for Survivor he was just trying to put in a request for a Destiny's Child song at karaoke.

Josh Canfield - A 32-year-old actor, singer and writer from New York City. Reed Kelly's boyfriend.

Josh Canfield

Tribe: Coyopa.

Pros: His boyfriend describes his game as being similar to Lisa Whelchel's, only I'm assuming in a non-ultra religious pro Proposition 8 kind of way.

Cons: Josh is either willing to accept Clay Aiken's sloppy seconds, or he actively sought out Clay Aiken's sloppy seconds. Either way, I just wish that it was actually Clay Aiken competing on the show instead of Josh.

Jon Misch - A 26-year-old financial assistant from Waterford, MI. 

Survivor contestant Jon Misch

Tribe: Hunapu.

Pros: A former football player at Michigan State who earned the nickname "The Missile" for his tenacity.

Cons: In Michigan, when most people say they are dating Miss Michigan it means that they are in a relationship with their hand (you know, because Michigan is shaped like a mitten). In John's case, he actually likely to be getting hand jobs from the real Miss Michigan, which could distract him from the game.

Jaclyn Schultz - A 25-year old Miss Michigan winner who's currently living in Las Vegas where she currently works as a media buyer. John Misch's high-school sweetheart.

Miss Michigan and Survivor contestant Jaclyn Schultz

Tribe: Coyopa.

Pros: She's hot.

Cons: She's a pageant girl, so she's not as hot as she thinks she is.

Drew Christy - A 25-year-old traveling sales representative for his family's business in Winter Park, FL.

Drew Christy getting his "Zoolander" on.

Tribe: Hunapuh. 

Pros: Expect his abs to get more air time than either of the Anderson twins.

Cons: In addition to his role with his family's business, he's also an aspiring male model, His bio also suggests a competitive relationship with his younger brother, so I'm thinking that he may have less loyalty to his blood than the other contestants, which would be a disadvantage.

Alec Christy - A 22-year-old student and lacrosse player at Florida Gulf Coast University. Drew's younger brother.

Alec Christy playing lacrosse at Florida Gulf Coast University.

Tribe: Coyopa. 

Cons: Lists a Playboy magazine as one of the luxury items he wishes he could bring with him on the show.

Pros: Perhaps if Alec really had a Playboy with him maybe he wouldn't fall victim to any of the aspiring vixens this season, which I see as a potential problem for him.

Jeremy Collins - A 42-year-old fireman from Foxboro, MA.

Jeremy Collins

Tribe: Hunahpu.

Pros: Lists his claim to fame as making it as a player in the Arena Football League as a player despite never having played football in college.

Cons: While he claims that he'll be a beast in competitions, Jeremy's black, so he may or may not be able to swim, which could be a problem when it comes to Survivor.

Val Collins - A 35-year-old cop from Foxboro, MA. Jeremy's wife. 

Val Collins

Tribe: Coyopa.

Pros: She's a cop, who seem to do well in reality shows like Survivor.

Cons: Her claim to fame is her family, which is probably more of a depressing fact than a "claim to fame."

Wes Nale - A 23-year-old firefighter from Shreveport, LA.

Wes Nale and his 'Bama hair.
Tribe: Coyopa.

Pros: He has John Parker Wilson hair (a/k/a "Alabama hair")?"

Cons: The guy calls himself "Big Wes" on Twitter, which would kind of be like Kim Kardashian calling herself "Smart Kim."

Keith Nale - A 53-year-old fire captain from Winter Haven, FL. Wes's father. 

Keith Nale

Tribe: Hunahpu.

Cons: He's old.

Pros: He has a really bitchin' mustache.

Dale Wentworth - A 55-year-old farmer from Ephrata, WA.

Dale Wentworth

Tribe: Coyopa.

Pros: Dale's Twitter name is "FarmGuy69," which should get him plenty of attention on FarmersOnly.com.

Cons: He's playing with his hot daughter, who probably didn't need to know that he threw the number 69 into his Twitter handle.

Kelley Wentworth - A 28-year-old marketing manager from Seattle. Dale's daughter. 

Survivor contestant Kelley Wentworth in her bikini.

Tribe: Hunapuh.

Pros: You don't find many rednecks from Seattle, but she seems to be making it work for her.

Cons: Will the hot girl factor be negated by being on the show with her dad?

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