Friday, September 27, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "He is a gay Russel Hantz"



This week began with the Gatang Tribe getting freaky and participating in a "love train."

Aras Baskauskas, the leader of the movement, and also the least selfish said, "The best is being the caboose. The gift is in the giving." 

However, Colton was so pissed off about trying to be nice that he couldn't even bring himself to participate.

"I thought that this whole zen, calm, yoga mentality would be appealing to me. Well, it was for like three days. Now I'm like over it...Like I love Caleb with every fiber of my being, and I just need to get to him."

Aras noticed that Colton's true colors were starting to come out.

"You can only fake it for so long...You can come out here and fake who you are for four days, five days, and then the elements get to you and your true personality emerges."

Meanwhile, John struggled with his decision to let his wife go to Redemption Island instead of taking her place and saving her as he prepared to go watch her participate in the season's first Redemption Challenge.

"If Candice looks at me and smiles and she loves me, like honestly, that would take like this weight that's like crushing my heart right now, it would just throw it off."

Unfortunately for John, Candice is never going to speak to him again. At the very minimum, she's won his nuts for life, and not in the good kind of way.

When the tribes arrived, Marissa told Gervase his gloating was the reason she was voted out after staring her tribe down. "You rubbed salt in their open wound, and that's why I'm here."

Unfortunately, Gervase didn't seem to get the hint and said, "I'm going to rub some more, I can tell you that."

Candice came in first place in the Redemption Challenge, which consisted of running spools through a wire maze and stacking them ten high without any of them falling over.

That allowed her to give John clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol. Marissa ended up taking second place, which sent Rupert home for good.

Rupert Boneham was voted off of Survivor for good...At least until the 5th time he gets to come back and lose.

Rupert departed by getting all sappy and saying, "I love Survivor, but I love my wife more."

Back at Tadhana's camp Ciera proved that she's an idiot. Nothing specific, she just seems really stupid. 
The Gatang Tribe seemed relatively drama free and happy, which apparently really pissed Colton off.

"Do you think that this is a YMCA camping trip where we want to improve ourselves? Well, you know what? I want to improve myself by winning a million dollars." 

Colton decided to take it upon himself to start telling lies just to stir things up.

"When I get angry, I turn into like a raging bitch. And hopefully this camp will erupt into chaos, 'cause if there's one thing I know, I can rule in chaos." 

Despite Colton's best efforts to make Kat look bad, they were lost on a tribe full of returning players who wanted a drama free tribe, or as Aras told him, "It doesn't matter to most of us."

However, Aras' indifference to Colton's lies only fueled his raging pre-pubescent anger.

"I hope we go to Immunity Challenge tomorrow and get slaughtered. These people need to experience Tribal Council and realize that this is a game. This isn't National Lampoon's Horrible Vacation."

Monica seemed to distance herself from Colton, who she was reluctantly aligned with.

"I like Colton, but for the first time in my life I came to play for me. And that Monica that's just going to sit in mediocrity, she died in Samoa." Sadly, so did Junior Seau.

Of course, that's why she brought her ex NFL player husband with her to play the game this time.

Even Tyson, one of the worst players in Survivor history, started to pick up on Colton about half way through the episode.

"I think he came out here wanting to be different than the person he was, and he pretended to be for like a day and a half or something."

Aras used Colton's behavior to rally the Gatang Tribe against him. "He's a bully...He is a gay Russel Hantz," which was a bit of a redundant statement if you ask me. 

Aras then formed the "Life Experience" Alliance with Tyson, Gervase, Tina and Monica.

The Immunity Challenge required three members of each tribe to be tied together and push a fourth member in a barrel through obstacle course to untie sacks balls and roll them up a ramp and into six different holes.

Misunderstanding what the competition was, two time teen mom Ciera volunteered her holes for the Tadhana Tribe, while Katie rode in the barrel since she was a perfect fit...Narrow at top and bottom, but wide in the middle.

However, Gatang pulled off a narrow victory to win Immunity, with Gervase rolling his balls into the holes faster than Hayden could.

With Tadhana forced to vote someone out, Katie said, "I have to do what I have to do to win." Unfortunately for her though, none of the guys in her tribe wanted to see her naked.

In the end though, it was Rachel, Tyson's girlfriend, who was voted out, with Tadhana hoping that he would elect to save her by trading places and tribes with her.

With Tyson Apostol getting especially close to Aras Baskauskas, there might be some switching teams going on. And while it's not going to save Tyson's "girlfriend," Rachel Folger, at least the engine finally got to meet up with the caboose.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "OH, HELL NO!"




Survivor - Blood vs. Water began with the contestants getting to spend some romantic time alone with their loved ones on the first night before breaking into tribes.

Being the girl in the relationship apparently outweighs being a returning player, as Colton let his boyfriend Caleb build their temporary shelter.

And when Colton rhetorically asked, "Would you like want me to do something?", Caleb grumbled something along the lines of, "No, you're good," before he wandered off into the jungle to text an ex-boyfriend.

Colton Cumbie and Caleb Bankston: Sadly, the story of a gay redneck/outdoorsman from a small town in Alabama meeting a gay racist from another small town in Alabama still has to be one of the all time success stories for FarmersOnly.com.

Upon meeting up with Jeff Probst, the contestants were informed that they would not actually be playing with their loved ones, but would instead be playing against them and dividing into tribes based upon "returning" (Galang) and "new" (Tadhana) players.

After Colton got done crying, Jeff delivered one more twist...That each tribe would have to immediately vote one person out.

And for some reason, Galang decided to vote out Candice instead of Colton, which made absolutely no sense given that Colton not only had a reputation of being a backstabber, but also as being a total bitch around camp from a social standpoint.

The new players voted out Laura, Rupert's wife, not on Rupert's reputation, but because she was old.

However, Jeff had a few more twists for the tribes. First, he announced that Candice and Laura would not be heading home, but to Redemption Island, which was back in play this season.

Jeff also gave the loved one of each person voted out the opportunity to switch places, meaning that they'd also be forced to change tribes if they decided to save their significant other.

While Rupert didn't hesitate to take his wife's spot on Redemption Island, wanting to make sure she got a chance to experience the game, Candice's husband was not quite as chivalrous, declining to change places and selfishly saying, "I think I'm going to give her the opportunity to beat Rupert."

Gervase was not at all pleased with Rupert's decision. "Laura is not Gatong...I wanted to play with Rupert."

Of course, Rupert's biggest claim to fame in past season's has been his reputation for building shelters and being one of the hardest workers in camp, so 

John seemed to look forward to avenging his wife getting voted out first. "Now I have an opportunity to show all of these dumb asses what a big mistake they made."

Of course, John didn't elect to save Candice by swapping places, so even if she managed to win her battle on Exile Island she'd be re-joining the returning players tribe, so he really just had a bone to pick without any bones.

While Tyson helped the veterans start a fire almost immediately by rubbing sticks together, the newbies struggled to set up their shelter and start fire, or as Hayden said, "They've got fire, 'cause they're experienced. We don't, 'cause we're meat-heads."

Vytas seconded Hayden's sentiments. "Being a yoga teacher, these hands don't see hard work."

Vytas also revealed to his tribe that he used to rob people on a regular basis when he was a heroin addict, which I guess isn't all that inconsistent with his statement about not doing hard work.

Meanwhile, at Exile Island Candice did all the work while Rupert relaxed and frolicked in the water, revealing that his plan this time was to let others do the work and save his own energy.

Unfortunately, by not switching places with Candice, John lost his wife to Rupert in the process.

Former NFL player Brad Culpepper quickly put together what he called the "Five Guy Alliance," noting how that gave the "newbies" a potential competitive advantage over the returning players based on raw strength heading into the merge.

Brad explained, "We have five guys right now. They have four guys and a gay guy," taking a jab at the testosterone challenged Colton.

Of course, Brad failed to realize that Caleb, one of his "five guys," was gay too, although he did try to bond with him over some sort of top secret "Southern" handshake, even though Brad apparently concealed the fact that really from Florida, not the South.

Laura Morett's daughter, Ciera, revealed that her two children by the age of twenty-two were from two different baby's daddy's, which proved to be an embarrassment to her mother.
 
Of course, Ciera probably wouldn't have found the need for attention to get pregnant by the age of 17 had her mother not gotten fake boobs and tried to compete with her daughter for men.

Colton tried to come into the game being friendly and more vulnerable this time, telling the women of his tribe, "When I was growing up, I was the sweetest kid in the world...Somewhere along the way after I got tired of being called sissy and faggot and queer."

Colton then broke down and sobbed like a puppy in a moment of vulnerability...But my guess is that Colton will later reveal it was all just an act.

In fact, Monica, who got screwed over by Colton in SURVIVOR: One World wanted to believe that Colton had changed, but was still skeptical saying, "Then again, it's Colton Cumbie."

The Immunity Challenge consisted of a race through water over obstacle course to get puzzle pieces, then row back and solve the puzzle.

Philly native Gervase pulled his best Donovan McNabb and quickly became so exhausted that former heroin addict Aras literally had to carry him to the end.

Sure enough, Colton began to show his true colors and get bitchy at Kat when he said, "SHUT UP AND PADDLE...BEFORE I HIT YOU WITH THIS!" (even though he was just casually splashing the water of paddling hard himself).

That caused Kat to bark back, "OH, HELL NO!"

With an arrest for theft on her record, Kat Edmonsson would tear someone like Colton up in jail.

While Ciera and Katie bragged how they could beat their returning player mothers in solving a puzzle, it was Tina and Laura who ended up schooling their daughters, allowing Galang to overcome Gervase's swimming and come back to win Immunity. 

And while he nearly cost his tribe the challenge, it was Gervase who celebrated the loudest, rubbing the new players' noses in their defeat.

That didn't go over too well with Brad, who complained, "Hey bozo, your loved one might go home."

However, the joke was on Brad, as Gervase was so desperate to win the game that he brought his niece on the show instead of a loved one...Because nobody really likes their nieces or nephews deep down inside, do they?

And while Brad got all high and mighty about winning and losing with class, he was the one that lead the campaign to vote Marissa out just to send Gervase a message for gloating, even though she was far from Tadhana's weakest player.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

The Big Brother 15 Blog - "I’m hoping whoever wins is going to be buying drinks tonight!"


Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 15 Blog posts

The final three contestants, Spencer, Andy and GinaMarie, began a three part competition to determine the final HOH, with the winner not only being guaranteed a spot in the finals, but also getting to pick who he our she would be facing the Jury with.

GinaMarie won part one, which consisted of hanging onto a trapeze bar and getting drug around in circles while wearing roller skates without letting go. That sent GinaMarie on to the third and final stage to face off against either Spencer or Andy, whoever won part two.

And when glitter fell from the ceiling, GinaMarie exlclaimed, “OMG Glitter!” She then dropped to the floor to make glitter angels before she almost choked saying, “I think I swallowed glitter”

Part two consisted of repelling up and down a climbing wall to find pictures of “crabby house guests” and putting them in their order of eviction the fastest.

Not physically fit enough to fair well in most physical challenges, Spencer literally hit the wall saying, “I’m sweatin' up there like a pig.”

However, Spencer thought about his family and dug down deep to rally to the finish...And only ended up 15 minutes behind Andy, who moved on to face GinaMarie in the finals.

Part three of the HOH Competition involved correctly choosing A) or B) to finish statements from Jury Members about the game.

And while Andy defeated GinaMarie to win HOH, he still decided to take her to the finals instead of Spencer, citing a day one final two agreement that he had made with her, which had nothing to do with the fact that GinaMarie would be lucky to get a vote from anyone on the Jury other than Aaryn.

Big Brother legend "Evil" Dr. Will Kirby returned to provide some commentary on the game. Surprisingly, upon walking into the Jury House Will matter of factly said, “Amanda, nice to see you,” as if they had already known each other.

Then again, last I heard Will was taping a reality show about being a plastic surgeon in Miami, so you do the math.

When questioned by the Jury, all GinaMarie could say was that she was just trying to be the best GinaMarie that she could be, saying, "I'm only me, I'm GinaMarie."

And while one would think that introducing herself to the house alone would be enough to win the $500,000, she was also asked to explain her second best game move aside from getting Amanda out of the game.

Unfortunately, GinaMarie was unable to point to any other moves, mainly because there were note...That is, unless you consider making racial slurs a strategic game move.

At the finals, GinaMarie Zimmerman wore a designer toga by Bed Bath and Beyond.

Andy also came under fire by the Jury. For example, his good friend Spencer asked, “Andy, you just cost me a whole lot of money bro. Why should I give you the $1million?”

Andy made no attempt to conceal the fact that he lied to some of his closest friends in the game, claiming that he did so to "cover his ass" since he knew he had to stab people in the back, which was a pretty good answer.

However, Andy also gave himself WAY too much credit, claiming to behind everyone on the Jury's eviction, and not giving anyone who did the dirty work (and let's face it, Andy did absolutely NO dirty work) any credit.

McCrae seemed less concerned with who was going to win than who was going by picking up the tab later that evening. “I’m hoping whoever wins is going to be buying drinks tonight!”

Of the non-Jury Members, Howard revealed that he was deeply hurt by racist and personal comments by many of his fellow contestants, and that the live feeds infuriated him so much that he couldn’t watch.

And as Howard said that, it was clear that GinaMarie had no idea that he was talking about her along with Aaryn, Amanda and Andy.

In was also recently revealed that in addition to Aaryn and GinaMarie Andy also lost his job as a college professor at DuPage College (even though they claimed he was never a professor to begin with) as a result of racial slurs that he made directed at Candice and other bi-racial people.

 “Andy Herren has formerly worked for College of DuPage as a part-time instructor. He does not currently work for the College. Any behavior or language he uses on the CBS reality show “Big Brother” does not represent the opinions or values of College of DuPage.

Spencer, obviously hurt by the revelation that this season had been marred by racial slurs asked, “Did I say anything Julie?”

That caused her to say, “Save that for later, we don’t have enough time,” as she kept referring to this season as "the most controversial ever."

Other revelations that either came out on the final episode, Big Brother After Dark, or the Internet included:

-Jeremy allegedly made the money to buy his houseboat selling drugs;

-While she claimed that she would not have sex with Jeremy while on the show out of respect to her family, the house guests caught Kaitlin getting out of bed with Jeremy's giz all over her back;

-Aaryn's mom is pissed about how Julie questioned her daughter over her blatantly racist comments during the season instead of focusing on something more positive...Like puppies;

-The house guests believe that Amanda initially hooked up with McCrae during week one simply because he won HOH;

-Judd actually hooked up with Jessie AND Aaryn...How about a "J-U-Double D!" and,

-Jessie, frustrated over being harassed in the house, yelled, “I was never fat at one point and lost a lot of weight, I was always fricking cool!”

Jessie Kowalski used the finals as one last opportunity to showcase her boobs, hoping to prove to America that she really was popular for some reason at one point in her life...She called it "High School."

As expected, Andy won the final vote and $500,000 by a total of 7-2, with only Aaryn and Judd voting for GinaMarie.

Unfortunately, the $25,000 prize for America’s Favorite Houseguest went to Elissa over the next closest vote getters, Judd and Howard.

Strangely, Elissa started celebrating her win about a half second before Julie Chen even read the results...Hmm, let the C-O-N-spiracy theories begin...Or at least let me start them.

video

But seriously, if you cheered for or voted for that coattail riding blow-up doll to win any money even though she married some old doctor because he was filthy rich...Well, shame on you.

Fittingly, the season ended with GinaMarie tracking down and dry humping Nick, giving him the prize of America's Favorite STD. 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - Meet The Cast




Survivor - Blood vs. Water is upon us, which features returning contestants competing against their loved ones.

And there's nothing that America likes more than recycled reality stars, it's seeing their undeserving relatives ride their coattails on TV.

Speaking of which, I am a bit surprised that none of the returning contestants or their loved one's are related to Russel Hantz, because I was thinking that CBS could have easily found enough unemployed members of his clan to come on the show and form their own inbred tribe.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website.

Aras Baskauskas - A 31-year-old musician from Santa Monica, California.

Tribe: Returning Players (Exile Island).

Pros: He won Survivor Exile Island.

Cons: I consider myself a pretty big Survivor fan, and I have absolutely no recollection of who this fucking guy is, so maybe there's a slight chance that nobody will recognize him as a past winner and target him as a past winner.

Aras Baskauskas: And if this whole Survivor thing doesn't work out, Aras can take his acoustic guitar and go on The Bachelor.

Vytas Baskauskas - A 33-year-old yoga instructor and math professor from Santa Monica, California

Tribe: Loved Ones (Aras's brother).

Cons: A former heroine addict, I'm afraid that Vytas might have some flashback trips if he gets hot and dehydrated when the game gets strenuous.

Pros: Claims that he learned how to manipulate people to sustain his heroine addiction, so he's got that going for him.

Vytas Baskauskus also attended "Occupy Santa Monica."

Candice Woodcock Cody - A 30-year-old doctor from Washington D.C.

Tribe: Returning Players (Cook Island, All-Stars vs. Villains)

Pros: Candice survived going to Exile Island the first time it was in play in the game, so she should be prepared to deal with it again this season if needed. She also lived in a mud hut in Africa doing medical work, so she's experienced in living in primitive conditions.

Cons: She always seemed to jump around from alliance to alliance the previous two times she played the game, always seeming to end up on the ass end of the totem pole.

Candace Woodcock Cody: An Officer and a Gentleman.

John Cody - A 30-year-old doctor from Washington D.C.

Tribe: Loved Ones.

Pros: A West Point graduate and physician, John seems like the classic all-American guy.

Cons: He also seems like your classic overbearing military dickhead.

I'm not saying that Dr. John Cody secretly wants to get back-doored while on Survivor, butt...

Colton Cumbie - A 22-year-old student teacher from Alabama.

Tribe: Returning Players (One World)

Cons: The polarizing gay-cist (gay racist) from Alabama who had to be Med-evacted from Survivor One World.

Pros
: He's certainly entertaining.

I'm not saying that Colton Cumbie is playing a different game than everyone else, but this is a Survivor logo that he had up on his Facebook page.

Caleb Bankson - A 26-year-old farmer from rural  Alabama.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Colton's boyfriend). 

Pros: Don't let Caleb being gay fool you, this guy's as redneck as rednecks get. A farmer, fisher and hunter who's claim to fame is bagging a 12-point-buck on his first hunt, this guy can certainly live off the land. In fact, Caleb even lists one of his necessary items as his camouflage University of Alabama hat.

Cons: The twelve-pointer he's referring too was bagging Colton Cumbie. Not only is Colton's abrasive personality going to bring Caleb down in this game, but I really don't get what they see in each other. Caleb is redneck and country, while Colton is all preppy, rich and entitled. Maybe racism is their common ground. My guess is that Caleb will dump Colton once he gets a little taste of fame of his own after being on the show.

Caleb Bankson: ROLL DAMN TIDE!!!!

Gervase Peterson - 43-year-old bar owner from Philadelphia.

Tribe: Returning Players (Borneo).

Pros: Wrote on his Facebook page, "In five days, the greatest reality star returns to TV."

Cons: No, Gervase wasn't talking about Rupert Boneham, he was talking about himself, saying, "That's right, your boy is back on Survivor!"

Gervase Peterson and Donovan McNabb: Gervase is hoping to make it to the final Tribal Council, where he plans on throwing up, gaining 30 pounds, and criticizing RG3.

Marissa Peterson - A 21-year-old student in Chapel Hill, N.C.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Gervase's niece).

Pros: Marissa must truly be one of Gervase's dearest "loved ones," because in announcing that he was going to be on Survivor again he added a reference to her as almost an afterthought. "Plus I'm bringing my niece along for the ride!"

Cons: Marissa lists a stereo and speakers as one of the things she wishes she could bring along with her. And since she couldn't seem to settle for an iPod and a good set of headphones, I'm guessing she's not the most considerate person.

Marissa Peterson

Kat Edorsson - A 23-year old student and time shares sales representative from Orlando, FL, just like she was the first time she came on the show.

Do you think Kat Edorsson knows her boobs are about to fall out?

Tribe: Returning Players (One World).

Pros: Kat is sure to be good for some of the best unintentionally funny comments that we'll hear all season. For example, when Kat bid and won a BLT sandwich during the auction on Survivor One World, she bit into it and excitedly exclaimed, "Yo there's bacon in this!" Like it was some kind of surprise to her.

Cons: Kat seems to be on the rebound following an incestuous relationship with her cousin, whom she infamously dry humped when he came to visit her on Survivor One World. 

Kat Edorsson: There's being excited to see your cousin, and there's being a little too excited to see your cousin.

Hayden Moss - A 26-year-old real estate investor from Springtown, Texas.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Kat's boyfriend).

Pros: Won Big Brother 12.

Cons: As referenced above, Hayden isn't exactly the "loved one" I expected to come on the show with Kat. As a reality show winner and cross-over, Hayden is sure to have double bulls eyes on his chest.

Hayden Moss: And those bulls-eyes are nipples...Perfect, hairless nipples.

Laura Morett - 43-year-old co-owner of a construction company from Oregon.

Tribe: Returning Players (Samoa)

Pros: Laura's a cougar, and with Monica Culpepper's husband appearing on the show, she doesn't seem to have much competition in the "MILF" department.

Laura Morett: You have to love it when middle aged moms try to out do their teenage daughters in photos trying to prove how hot they are...In fact, that's how you end up with a teenage daughter who decides that she needs male attention so bad that she ends up getting pregnant by the age of 17. 

Cons: There's a 50/50 chance that one of the guys ends up banging both Laura and her daughter while on the show...My money's on Leif.

Ciera Morett Eastin - A 24-year-old mother of two from Oregon.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Laura's daughter).

Pros: Ciera claims to have a "Git 'er done" attitude, likes riding ATV's, and became a mother at the age of 17.

Cons: Ciera's studying to become a cosmetologist, so she's obviously stupid. In fact, she may not even realize that she's on Survivor instead of MTV's Teen Mom.

Ciera Morett Eastin: Trying to become the first contestant to get pregnant while on Survivor.

Monica Culpepper - A 42-year-old former trophy wife of an ex-NFL player from Tampa Bay, FL.

Tribe: Returning Players (One World).

Pros: Lists coming on Survivor the first time as her first life accomplishment that she ever really did on her own.

Pros: By bringing her ex-NFL player husband along with her on the show, Monica is pretty much be tainting her one accomplishment in life, especially if he helps her do better this time.

Monica Culpepper: Based upon her comments on Survivor One World and her amateur photo shoots, it's pretty clear that her self worth comes from parading around semi-naked.

Brad Culpepper - A 44-year-old ex-NFL player from Tampa Bay, FL.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Monica's husband).

Pros: Well, he is a former pro football player, so literally, that's a pro.

Cons: Turned his douchey haircut as a football player into a law degree, and is now a douchey Plaintiff attorney with his face on every billboard in central Florida.

Brad Culpepper: There's a reason white dude shouldn't braid their hair...Ever.

Rupert Boneham - A 49-year-old mentor for troubled teens from Indiana.

Tribe: Returning Players (Pearl Island, All-Stars, Heroes vs. Villains).

Pros: Parlayed his prior appearances on Survivor into a run for Indiana's Governor.

Rupert Boneham ran for Governor of Indiana. And while every state seems to have guys like this, they only seem to win in Minnesota.

Cons: Already won $1 million as America's favorite player, and as a soon to be four time contestant on the show, his shtick is starting to get old.

Laura Boneham - A 44-year-old merchandiser from Indiana.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Rupert's wife).

Pros: She was on the ballot to become the "First Lady" of all of Indiana.

Cons: The only way I'll like her is if she's responsible for sending Rupert home.

Rupert and Laura Boneham: I'm thinking fame might have gone to Rupert's head. Fur is murder!

Tina Wesson - A 52-year-old motivational speaker from North Carolina.

Tribe: Returning Players (Australia, All-Stars).

Pros: Won Survivor Australia.

Cons: Got voted out first on Survivor All-Stars. Now she's old.


Katie Collins - A 25-year-old from New York in hedge fund support.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Tina's daughter).

Pros: Everybody loves hedge fund managers, right?

Cons: Her claim to fame is walking up 55 flights of stairs for charity, so this experience might be a little bit more challenging than she might expect.

Katie Wesson Collins talking about her Mom when she won the 2nd ever season of Survivor.

Tyson Apostol - A former pro cyclist and current shop manager.

Tribe: Returning Players (Tocantins, Heroes and Villains)

Pros: Tyson thinks he's really good at the game.

Cons: A BYU dropout, Tyson is considered one of the dumbest contestants in the history of Survivor for letting Russel Hantz con him into changing his vote, which ultimately lead to him getting blindsided. 

Tyson Apostol: Tyson parlayed being a former Mormon Missionary into becoming a pro cyclist. However, there's no truth to the rumor that he got kicked out of BYU after he was caught doping his blood with Mountain Dew. 

Rachel Foulger - A 33-year-old waitress from Provo, UT.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Tyson's girlfriend).

Pros: Tyson says that Rachel is his favorite of all his wives.

Cons: Rachel seems totally co-dependent on Tyson, listing him as her inspiration in life saying, "I’ve never met someone so strong and confident. He truly is my rock. I don’t know what I would do without him," so she'll probably lose her shit when she finds out they're going to be on different tribes. 

Rachel Foulger: Rachel's going to have an awakening when she leaves Utah and realizes that she can have multiple boyfriends instead of being one of many wives...But she definitely needs to leave Utah first.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Big Brother 15 Blog - "I feel bad for McCrae, He just ended up losing his ball and chain, and now he ended up with another one"


Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 15 Blog posts

The week began with the HOH Competition, which consisted of putting together a puzzle with images of past competition winners based on pixelated picture clues.

Not one to have the patience or intellect to solve a puzzle beyond ramming two pieces that don't fit together, Judd yelled, “There’s no way it fits!” before saying, “Okay, I see," right after he got eliminated.

Spencer ended up winning HOH, putting him in a position of power in a crucial week after being the house nomination bitch all summer. 

Spencer also got to award "gifts" to other house guests.

For example, he gave GinaMarie and McCrae “Friendship,” which required them to be tied together for 24 straight hours.

That caused GinaMarie to exclaim, “How are we gonna pee, I'm a girl.”  However, it was GinaMarie who drug McCrae out of the room saying, “Hey baby I’m sorry, I’ve gotta take a Donald Dookie…My things just come up all of a sudden.”

That caused McCrae to say, “GinaMarie is 100% more attractive now that I’ve been through this whole experience,” while GinaMarie to joked, “I feel bad for McCrae. He just ended up losing his ball and chain, and now he ended up with another one.”

Spencer gave Andy a chance for "wealth," which was chance to win up to $5k by choosing to break piggy banks with different cash prizes in them.  As it turned out, Andy won $85, $9, and $.83, or as he said, "After taxes I think it’s like $6.”

Judd got the gift of "health," which turned out to be instructions from drill sergeant who could demand that he stop whatever he was doing and do exercises at any time, 24/7.

In addition to making them poop together, Spencer also nominated McCrae and GinaMarie for eviction, with GinaMarie being the pawn and McCrae being his target.

However, GinaMarie may have overacted just a little too much in trying to convince McCrae that she thought she was in danger of going home.

Or as Spencer said, “I appreciate a little bit of acting, but I don’t want her to oversell it. I mean, McCrae’s not a dumbass.”

The Veto Competition was super hero themed contest where the contestants had to fly on a rope between two platforms and solve a puzzle while managing a countdown clock affixed to a buzzer they had to push to get more time.

Sure enough McCrae, a self proclaimed comic book dork won the POV when he needed it most.



Realizing that he was going up for eviction, but not necessarily sure to get evicted, Judd flipped out, flipping off the camera and knocking things off tables because he was convinced he was going home for a second time.

Judd Doughtery kind of strikes me like the kind of guy who would look into the security camera as he robs a convenience store.

Judd even went as far as to stop the Veto Meeting to call McCrae out for lying, apparently forgetting that McCrae was one of two people voting to evict either GinaMarie or himself. 

That caused Spencer to ask, “This is the dumbest move I’ve ever seen. He just made yourself a huge enemy. Judd, what are you thinking?”

As his eviction speech, Judd hinted that he would be able to guarantee that Spencer and Andy made the final three, but indicated that he couldn't tell them how.

And as tempting as that was, Andy still voted along with McCrae to vote Judd out.

Judd's spirits lifted immediately upon being evicted, tells house he was voting for Spencer and Andy win the game, and then telling Connie Chung that he was just doing that as "reverse psychology" to put targets on their backs in an example of true "Judd L-O-G-I-double C"

Judd also denied having any regrets after turning on Elissa who he had made a final two deal with, saying, “Absolutely not. Working with Elissa is the hardest thing you could possibly do….Her mind changes every five minutes…She had to go - Exterminated!”

With Julie asking why he laughed at Andy crying during his eviction message, Judd responded by giggling, “I mean, I just never seen a guy cry so much,"

He then played to the crowd by saying, “Lets just hope those girls don’t scratch my eyes out in that Jury House” as he prepared to leave the studio.

The new HOH Competition consisted of "Before or After" questions about the sequence of events that took place in the house.

With all three remaining house guests tying, Andy won HOH in a tie-breaker by guessing how long the last Super Hero themed HOH Competition took to complete in seconds.

And of all the weeks to win HOH, this one proved out to be the best for the spineless Andy, as with only four players left in the game his nominations did not matter near as much as did who would win the subsequent POV Competition.

Back at the Jury House Candice was thrilled when she learned that Aaryn got evicted.

“I’m going to trace it back to the days that she flipped my mattress, and I’m happy she flipped her way right into the Jury House,” referring to Aaryn's temper tantrum and racist tirade towards Candice earlier in the season. 

Upon arriving at the Jury House Aaryn did apologize for being a racist towards Candice and Helen, while Amanda apologized for being a bitch.

Actually, Amanda still doesn't realize she's a bitch, as she was apparently already planning on suing CBS for defamation of character before she even got evicted according to Spencer and McCrae on Big Brother After Dark.

Always one to be about a lap behind any conversation, a confused Judd asked, “A defamation of what?"

And while I'm not exactly sure what that's all about, it sounds like Amanda and Julie Chen got into some sort of argument that wasn't aired on the episodes broadcast on CBS, as McCrae said, “Amanda will never work for CBS again, that’s for sure,” apparently thinking that such a decision would be Amanda's choice and not the network's.

And won the POV Competition, which involved matching the right pictures with clues in order to complete a spider web.

That allowed him to keep his nominations the same and vote out McCrae, who was told about the "Exterminators" alliance before he went home out of respect.

At his interview, Connie Chung asked McCrae about his showmance with Amanda. “At times you seemed deeply in love with Amanda, at times you seemed deeply afraid of Amanda…She’s not here, what are your real thoughts about her?”

McCrae politely rambled on before finally saying, “I don’t know," but added that from a strategic standpoint, “I wish I distanced myself from Amanda a little more.”

Unfortunately for Amanda, when talking to the guys on Big Brother After Dark, McCrae made it sounds like it he would like to try to get back together with his ex-girlfriend back in Minnesota if he had his choice.

Unfortunately for McCrae Olson, Amanda Zuckerman will be doing the choosing for him.

I'm not saying that McCrae isn't disappointed about not winning Big Brother 15, but I think he'll sleep pretty good at night with this Super Veto/Super Hero win as consolation prize. 

Big Brother 15 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week eleven:

3. GinaMarie Zimmerman - And just when people start talking about GinaMarie as a possibility to win the Jury vote and the $500,000 grand prize, she goes and says the following on Big Brother After Dark upon discussing about what house guest will be the most famous upon leaving the house. “I don’t think anyone will remember Helen because all Chinese people look alike."

Sadly, Helen had a long one-on-one talk with GinaMarie a few weeks a ago about how her parents had escaped from North Korea. 

2. Andy Herren - Is there a fashion show called Queer Eye for the Gay Guy? Because if there is, Andy needs  it.

I don't know what's worse, Andy Herren's socks, or Spencer Clawson's jean shorts...But at least they make a cute sartorially challenged couple.
  
1. Spencer Clawson - Did you know that Spencer was born in 1982...Jesus, I thought the guy was like in his 40’s.

Spencer has taken to making up some pretty amusing "Jeremy McGuire" stories to pass the time. They're kind of like the fictitious Chuck Norris stories circulating on the Internet, only they primarily revolve around Jeremy's ego, weed and giz.

Longing for something that had been lacking this summer, a celebrity visit to the BB House, Spencer yelled randomly to the producers, "Please give us Elizabeth Shue!" You brought that monster Tori Spelling in for Adam!"

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Big Brother 15 Blog - "Were you a mega bitch in high school?"


Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 15 Blog posts

This week's episodes resumed with a crucial HOH Competition already in progress.

And while Andy and GinaMarie jumped off to early leads as they tried to use their fingers to manipulate eggs through a mesh wire maze, it was clear that Andy wanted no part of winning and the responsibility of making any type of meaningful decision when it came to making nominations.

With GinaMarie winning HOH, Judd and Spencer wound up having to wear chicken suits as a punishment for having the two worst performances. They also had to clean up all of the chicken shit after the competition, which actually just turned out to be Andy. 

With Elissa elated that somebody outside of the "3AM" alliance won, Amanda taunted, “I don‘t know why you‘re so happy, you just sent her best friend home, so you should wipe that smile off your face."

Of course, Amanda did not realize that GinaMarie not so secretly hated her.

“Amanda and McCrae have been puppeting Aaryn. I might be blond, and I might be cute, but my name isn’t Aaryn, it’s GinaMarie."

GinaMarie Zimmerman putting her fake hair back in...Well, at least she got her name right.

In regards to Amanda's attempt to manipulate her nominations GinaMarie said, "Amanda’s right, I should nominate two people that the majority of the house won't get upset about. Unfortunately for her, those two people are Amanda and McCrae.”

Upon getting to see GinaMarie's HOH Room Elissa proclaimed, “Oh my gosh, you got like the best stuff ever!“ At first that statement seemed odd considering she got butter and sausage, but when it was revealed that she also got a picture of Nick, things started to make sense.

Things only got better for the remaining house guests who had complained all summer about GinaMarie's toxic farts when she proclaimed, “Oh hell yeah! We got the White Castle burgers!"

GinaMarie's haul kept her occupied, even as Amanda and Elissa continued their feud in the HOH Room.

“So I got Amanda and Elissa that look like they’re going to beat the plastic out of each other. But you know what? I got my chocolate, my lingerie, and my Nick, and I’m good.”

Sure, Nick Uhas might have shared racism in common with GinaMarie Zimmerman, but that alone isn't enough to sustain a relationship...Just ask Jesse James and Sandra Bullock.

When Amanda tried to bully Ellissa by saying, “You’re alone Elissa, and you’re going up on the block tomorrow,” Elissa simply played on Amanda's insecurities as a fat girl and said, “I love Jessie. She’s gorgeous too. Her butt was hotness. I think Jessie was the only ten in this house.”

With Elissa bringing up Amanda's nemesis, Amanda could only say, “You are such a bitch! What is wrong with you?”

Wearing a chicken suit and caught between two feuding women Spencer tried to intervene saying, “Ladies, it’s uncomfortable,” although Elissa just kept on attacking Amanda, “Lets not say ladies, because this bitch over here is nothing more than a female dog.”

Trying to distinguish herself from her sister Rachel, Elissa tried to justify getting asked to be on the show.

"Don’t you realize like every one of Rachel’s people who love my sister asked me to do this show for years and years?...Like people support me because I‘m a nice person. She‘s mean and a whore and disgusting and a liar and pathetic (referring to Amanda).”

Ironically, Amanda whined that she hoped America would see Elissa for who she really was, when she was the one who ruthlessly bullied Candice, Jessie and Elissa throughout the summer.

McCrae did his best to calm Amanda down, knowing exactly what a dude needs to hear. “You know what? Sometimes you have to take it on the chin, and suck it up and smile. Like it doesn’t matter, you were the bigger man.”

Not realizing how "antagonizing" works, Amanda bitched about how Elissa wouldn't stay put and just let her lecture her."

“I’m trying not to fight with this person, but she keeps walking away from me, antagonizing me.”

McCrae said it best when he described why he didn't like Elissa Slater. "One, because I hardly knew her at all. Two, because she was a shit bag."

When Amanda tried to gain pity by complaining, “I feel like I’m high school again,” Spencer didn't miss a beat by asking her, “Were you a mega bitch in high school?”

Amanda and Elissa then went on to repeatedly tell anyone who would listen how bad of a person the other one was, not realizing that there was no need to argue since they were both right.

The remaining house guests got to compete in a luxury competition for $10,000.

Realizing that she had pissed off everyone in the house except her boyfriend, Amanda decided to take the opportunity to insult McCrae on national TV by saying, “$10,000 is huge! That’s like McCrae’s gross annual income!”

However, it was Spencer, who was still dressed in his chicken costume, who ended up winning. “Boom! $10K baby, I’m the cluckiest man alive.”


When Judd referred to his punishment by saying, "fuck, fuck, fuck," Spencer corrected him by saying, “It’s cluck, cluck, cluck bro, you can’t cuss on TV.”

Oblivious to the fact that she was GinaMarie's target, Amanda was convinced that she had convinced GinaMarie to nominate Elissa and Judd. "So maybe she’s not as dumb as we think...I feel safe, and happy, and glorious, and triumphant.”

However, not did GinaMarie nominate Amanda and McCrae, she rigged the box so Elissa got to pull the last key, letting Amanda's female rival of the week rub the fact that she was the one going on the block in her face.

Amanda Zuckerman: That’s the look of someone who just shit their pants.

And after two weeks of Amanda taunting Elissa that she had wasted her reign as HOH and that she would be going home this week, it finally hit Amanda that she was the one who would be heading home.

“I just don’t get it I guess. Ever since Elissa won HOH, it all went haywire.”

Pleased that she didn't get nominated, Elissa decided to make sure that the entire house and all of America hated her.

"My husband actually just bought, we like have a golf simulator and a mini hockey rink…Cause we bought a hockey stadium…It fits like 5,000 people."

That caused McCrae to sarcastically say, "I don't know shit about life, I don't even own an ice arena," in reference to the possibility of Elissa winning America's Favorite Player.

Elissa went on to say, “I have everything I’ve ever dreamed of in life because I’ve earned, I’ve worked hard for it. You know, I‘m a good person.”

First of all, I automatically hate anyone who has to repeatedly tell me that they're a good person. Secondly, I don’t think most people would consider fucking an old dude who has a lot of money "working hard" or "earning it."

Not only did Elissa Reilly go from being a single mom to a plastic trophy wife in a matter of months, but she also revealed that her sugar daddy Brent is building her a wellness center with all of the latest mats to teach her yoga.

Realizing defeat, Amanda apologized for making things personal and promised not to cause any drama just in case it was her last week.

She then went on to interrogate GinaMarie as to how she could possibly think that it was a smart move to try and split McCrae and herself up."

For example, when GinaMarie said, “I think it was good game move Amanda,” Amanda snapped, “I think it was a fucking stupid game move.” 

Ultimately, GinaMarie reminded Amanda how Aaryn had done all of the dirty work for McCrae and herself, and that they abandoned her when Aaryn needed them the most at last week's eviction vote.

After her conversation with GinaMarie went south, Amanda stormed out of the room and started crying.

And with all of the mirrors in the house apparently occupied, Amanda demanded accountability. "Now I’m pissed, and angry, and confused. Obviously someone’s at fault for this!"

Heading into the Veto Competition, Amanda, who had won all of one competition all summer, said,  “I don’t really care if anybody’s playing for me, because I won last week.”

The Veto Competition required the contestants to spin around fifteen times before trying to beat an opponent head to head and knock down five bowling pins the fastest.

With each new competitor getting to choose their opponent, everyone decided to pick Amanda, who successfully eliminated everyone who challenged her up until meeting McCrae in the finals.

Knocking down his final pin to win the Veto less than one second before Amanda knocked down her last pin, McCrae celebrated by puking his guts out. Amanda conceded, “If I was to lose to one person by one pin, and one second, I would want that person to be you.”

After some concern that McCrae would use the POV on Amanda, he ended up using it on himself. That caused GinaMarie to put Spencer up as her replacement nominee, which put him on the block for a Big Brother record 7th time. 

Of course, Amanda wasn't done being Amanda, as she accused GinaMarie of nominating her and McCrae to begin with because she was jealous of their relationship, which pretty much just consists of the two of them laying around in bed together all day until McCrae declares that he has to poop.

While America's favorite pizza boy McCrae was able to save himself, he had to become a man and put Amanda out of her misery, just like every guy has to do with their first bitchy girlfriend.

“It feels like I’m bringing Old Yeller out to the field and I have to put her down.” Actually, that wasn't the best analogy, because some people actually cry when Old Yeller dies.

And just when I thought I knew where everyone in the game stood, Amanda went to Elissa and pitched her an alliance deal that Elissa not only considered, but agreed to.

And when Amanda offered Elissa her jewelry as collateral, Elissa for some reason promised to give Amanda her wedding ring to hold, even though it was Amanda was asking Elissa to do her the favor...Okay, I'm confused.

And while Elissa went along with Amanda's plan and voted for Spencer to leave, that was only enough to lead to a tie vote, as Andy lied to Amanda and voted to keep Spencer instead of staying true to their "3AM" alliance.

That lead to GinaMarie being forced to cast the tie-breaking vote as HOH, and with Amanda having harassed her all week, GinaMarie matter of factly said, “Nuttin’ personal, it’s all a game move...Amanda, get to steppin”

With Amanda correctly accusing Andy of screwing her over as she left the house, Andy, being the pussy he is, nearly had a panic attack as he tried to blame the rogue vote against her on Elissa.

Hearing a chorus of boos as she entered the studio, Amanda realized her worst fear...That America didn't like her.

Sadly, Amanda said that she didn't have any real regrets about what she said while on on the show, and Julie Chen didn't specifically ask her about the racist comments she directed at Candice as she had done when Aaryn got evicted. 

Amanda did reveal that McRae was planning on moving to move to Florida after the show, which may be kind of awkward for the boyfriend that Amanda left back home when she came on the show.

Having left enough doubt in McCrae's mind that Elissa was the rat who voted out Amanda, Andy spilled the beans to Amanda that he was part of "The Exterminators" alliance in his post eviction video, obviously trying to put himself in a better position with her as a Jury member as compared to his other alliance members.

With it being a surprise Double Eviction episode, where all of the house guests correctly guessed it would be a double eviction week, the contestants moved directly to the next HOH Competition where they had to search for and retrieve two hidden bones the fastest.

With Judd winning and immediately forced to make his nominations, he not only put up GinaMarie and Elissa, but won the subsequent POV Competition and kept his nominations the same.

With Spencer finally off of the nomination block and able to vote, Connie Chung joked, “This is one of the rare occasions where Spencer is off the block and gets to vote. What will he do?”

As it turns out, Elissa was voted out 3-0, who for some reason believed that McCrae turned on his girlfriend and voted out Amanda out because "Andy looked so shocked.”

That caused Julie to say, “This is all just so confusing to you right now," which is reality TV show slang for, "Bless your heart." 

Big Brother 15 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week ten:

5. McCrae Olson - I'm curious to see how McCrae bounces back now that Amanda's gone, as he was a pretty likable guy up until the point where Amanda started making him wear her underwear.

4. GinaMarie Zimmerman - And just when you started to forget about GinaMarie's racist comments earlier in the summer, she referred to Candice last week on Big Brother After Dark by calling her a "halfer" in regards to her mixed ethnicity.

In addition to acknowledging she got a nose job, GinaMarie Zimmerman claims that she weighed 105 at her skinniest, and that she weighs 115 now...I'm either calling bullshit or "airbrush."

3. Judd Doughtery - In discussing U.S. history, Judd first asked, "Was George Washington a pilgrim?" He followed that up by asking, "Who was the President before him?"

And while I'm not exactly calling Judd and everyone from Tennessee stupid, any time that you have to be brought up to speed on a subject by GinaMarie, you might be mentally retarded or have a major flaw in your state's educational system...Especially when Judd seemed to know exactly who Andrew Jackson was.

2. Andy Herren - In talking about Aaryn's time on the show Andy asked, “The show has to be portraying her as called 'Poopy,' right? All anyone calls her is 'Poopy.'”

First of all, the show sadly did not portray Aaryn as being called "Poopy." Second of all, how the Hell did I not know that everyone called Aaryn "Poopy" on the show until now? I mean, we had a racist B list pageant queen on the show named "Poopy," and the producers decided to go in a different direction?

1. Spencer Clawson - Aside from Andy, Spencer is probably the biggest intellectual on the show, which is quite disturbing considering that when Elissa brought up her sugar daddy's hometown of Saskatchewan, Spencer had to ask, “Is that a town?”

Sadly, I think Spencer's probably more deserving of winning the show than any of the other remaining contestants.