Friday, April 26, 2013

2013 NFL Mock Draft: 2nd Round


33. Jacksonville Jaguars: Matt Barkley, QB, USC

34. San Francisco 49ers: Johnathan Hankins, DT, Ohio State

35. Philadelphia Eagles: Geno Smith, QB, West Virginia:

36. Detroit Lions: Menelik Watson, T, Florida State

37. Cincinnati Bengals: Jonathan Cyprien, S, Florida International

38. Arizona Cardinals: Terron Armstead, T, Arkansas Pine-Bluff

39. New York Jets: Ryan Nassib, QB, Syracuse

40. Tennessee Titans: Damontre Moore, DE, Texas A and M:

41. Buffalo Bills: Robert Woods, WR, USC

42. Oakland Raiders: John Jenkins, DT, Georgia

43. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Kawann Short, DT, Purdue:

44. Carolina Panthers: Keenan Allen, WR, Cal

45. San Diego Chargers: Larry Worford, G, Kentucky

46. Buffalo Bills, Jamar Taylor, CB, Boise St.

47. Dallas Cowboys: D.J. Swearinger, S, South Carolina 

48. Pittsburgh Steelers: Justin Hunter, WR, Tennessee

49. New York Giants: Tank Carradine, DE, Fla. St.

50. Chicago Bears: Manti Te'O, LB, Notre Dame

51. Washington Pigskins: Johnathan Banks, CB, Mississippi St.

52. New England Patriots: Blidi Wreh-Wilson, CB, Virginia

53. Cincinnati Bengals: Montee Ball, RB, Wisconsin

54. Minnesota Vikings: Kevin Minter, LB, LSU

55. Green Bay Packers: Eddie Lacy, RB, Alabama

56. Seattle Seahawks: Margus Hunt, DE, SMU

57. Houston Texans: Zach Ertz, TE, Stanford

58. Denver Broncos: Arthur Brown, LB, Kansas St.

59. New England Patriots: Quinton Patton, WR, Louisiana Tech

60. Atlanta Falcons, LeVeon Bell, RB, Michigan State

61. San Francisco 49ers: Tyrann Mathieu, CB, LSU

62. Baltimore Ravens: Khaseem Green, LB, Rutgers

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "I'm happy that he got to check one off the bucket list"

With the Favorites clearly in control of the game, Jeff Probst announced the merger. That left Andrea more excited than a puppy with a weak bladder when a visitor comes over. "It's exciting, but I pee on my toes."

Okay, maybe she actually said "be on my toes," but I couldn't really tell and I liked the other option much better.

Malcolm came up with the name for the new tribe, 'Enil Adam,' which he said meant "new beginning," but was really just his mom's name spelled backwards.

In an effort to change up the game, Malcolm and Corinne quickly aligned with Eddie and Reynold.

While Erik refused to discuss strategy, instead electing to use his stint on the show as a break from his stressful ice cream scooping and comic book drawing work, it was assumed that his vote would go hand in hand with Malcolm's.
The first Individual Immunity Challenge involved eating disgusting local fair. Proving that she's more than just a pretty girl, Andrea cowgirled up and swallowed shipworms whole, leaving her with a slimy mustache across her face.

However, Cochran slurped his down faster, although it probably isn't the first time that Andrea Boehlke showed off her lack of a gag reflex and then had to walk back home with nothing to show for it.
Cochran outlasted Malcolm in the final by quickly downing some pig brains, in addition to the handful of other disgusting items that he needed to eat just to reach the finals.

And while Eddie held himself back during the challenge for fear that women might hold what he ate against him in terms of his dating life...You know, because THAT's the one fault that women might see in him.

On the other hand, Cochran saw things entirely differently, thinking that his strong performance might give him "the edge" that he needs when it comes to getting lucky with the ladies.

Cochran was ecstatic to win his first ever challenge on Survivor, and did a rousing victory dance in the process, even if it meant disrespecting Malcolm a little bit.

Cochran went on to explain his celebration. "I've been waiting my whole life for this. It's going to touch my shoulders, it's going to be incredible." Then, after he got done talking about Jeff Probst's hand, he was awarded the Immunity Necklace.

Malcolm appeared a bit bitter in defeat, saying how he was glad that Cochran got to "check one off the bucket list" since he wasn't going to be sticking around the game much longer.

Corinne tried to strengthen her alliance by reaching out to Dawn, who promptly ratted her out to Phillip like any good Mormon would, just as she did with Malcolm the last time they played.

Erik was impressed with his own power as a potential swing vote, but struggled with what to do with his new found power. "I'm suddenly becoming a very valuable player, which is cool. I just wish I knew what I was going to do."

And while Malcolm, Eddie, Reynold and Corinne were convinced that they were about to make a huge move, Erik voted along with Phillip, sending Corinne home with her jaw agape nearly wide enough for her overinflated ego to fit in.

You can literally see the moment that Jeff Probst pooped in Corinne Kaplan's Easter basket as he read the votes.

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "I made sure I got the gay"

With Russell's Nephew voted off in disgrace, America can rest assured that we will not be seeing another Hantz on Survivor or any other reality show that CBS has to offer.

...At least not until the next season of The Amazing Race, where Willie and Brandon Hantz travel the globe in search of the most bitchin' Camaro in all the world. 

With new tribes being assigned, Phillip began the episode upset that fellow Favorite Corinne had taken an interest in Michael, simply because he happened to be gay. "I made sure I got the gay, and now Michael's mine!"

Regarding the new tribes, Julia spoke up by saying, "I nearly peed myself, that's the first time that I've ever come close to wetting myself.

Julia Landauer Racing: Interestingly, it was also the first time that Julia Landauer came close to speaking while on the show, although I'm pretty sure that NASCAR drivers are well known for regularly peeing in in bottles or their fire suits during races.

Then again, I guess that's one competitive disadvantage that female NASCAR drivers may have as compared to their male counterparts.

Cochran instantly picked up on Julia's personality, or lack thereof.

"I'm tempted to say that she has a vanilla personality, but I feel like that would be a great disservice to the flavor vanilla. I mean, people actually seek out vanilla flavored products."

Phillip thought that he could bring Julia on board with the Favorites as what he called a "double agent," but that was before she made what he referred to as "several foo-paws" in regards to her strategy of dealing with both sides.

Before the first Reward Challenge, Phillip challenged Cochran to an arm wrestling match, which as Cochran said, "Naturally he was able to beat me." Phillip attributed his victory to his 'will of a lion and determination of a guerrilla.'"

In reference to the upcoming challenges Phillip also proclaimed, "Anything to do with the upper body, back, shoulders, without being arrogant, I got it."

He then went on to collapse in a challenge where the two tribes began on opposite ends of a water filled track and attempted to chase their opposition down while wearing packs of weight.

That gave the Gota Tribe the win and what Dawn called a "diarrhea fest" in the form of a reward of coffee, cookies and pastries.

Corinne, disgruntled with Phillip's lack of performance in light of his boasting quipped, "You tubby lunchbox, I'm yet to see an ab on you."

Phillip failed yet again at the Immunity Challenge, where Reynold beat him one-on-one when it came to throwing grappling hooks to hook keys that they needed to unlock their respective tribe's flag for victory.

Of course, instead of admitting that he got owned, Phillip told his tribe that he secretly threw the challenge in order to go to Tribal Council and get rid of Julia.

That claim was not received so well by the rest of the Bikal Tribe.

As Cochran said, "It all makes sense. We had to throw the challenge or else we were doomed, and that's the only reason that Phillip was unable to throw a grappling hook...The spy's secret weapon"

Cochran went on to say, "Of course that's complete crap...You can't make up this level of delusion, and that's what excites me about playing with Phillip. I think he actually at this point is convinced that he threw the challenge."

The Favorites on the Bikal Tribe elected to split their vote at Tribal Council so as to prevent getting burned in the event that one of the Fans played an Immunity Idol, which they didn't.

That lead to a 3-3 tie between Michael and Julia, with Julia going home on the re-vote. With that result Corinne left Tribal Council ecstatic that her "gay" Michael remained in the game.

And as a proud and openly gay man, I'm sure that Michael appreciated that Corinne referring to him as "my gay." In fact, the last time I checked hags weren't allowed to pick their fags.

...Lest they get stuck with some high maintenance bitch who wears a bra out in public to show off her boobs to get attention like Corinne Kaplan.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "Most people underestimate me because of my pink underwear"

This week's episode began with Corinne describing Brandon Hantz's bitch like meltdown. "He is out of his mind. He's up there with Mel Gibson and any other crazy person."

Jeff Probst announced that the tribes were being re-drawn, which resulted in a super tribe consisting of Malcolm, Erik, Eddie, Dawn, Reynold Sherri and the blond girl.

When asked about the draw Corinne had difficulty hiding her true feelings. "It's definitely an adjustment," causing Jeff Probst to ask, "Were you about to say injustice?"

Reynold quickly gave up Sherri as a sacrificial cougar to the members from the Favorites, who had control with a 4-3 majority in the new Gota Tribe.

In regards to Reynold, Erik was either skeptical of his motives or falling in love.

"When I look at Reynold I totally see a used car salesman. He's got beautiful baby flue eyes, and he's talking the talk." Personally, I'm going with the latter.

Corinne was thrilled to be in a new tribe with Michael...Not because she knew that he was a good guy or that he would be loyal to her, but simply because he was gay.

"Oh, do I have a special place in my heart for a gay...I would turn on my entire alliance just to align with a gay."

Meanwhile, Phillip tried to bring Julia into his alliance. "Julia is a very young...Smart, (but) not college educated like myself."

Of course, he neglected the fact where she happens to be attending Stanford University while pursuing a career as a professional race car driver.

Phillip Shepard gave Julia Landauer the secret agent name of "Pit Crew" in reference to her armpit hair, without ever realizing that she's an up and coming NASCAR driver. 

Pleased with his assessment of Julia, Phillip added, "Most people underestimate me because of my pink underwear."

Pink underwear or not, how could anyone NOT take Phillip Shepard seriously?

Malcolm had similar thoughts when it came to sucking up to Andrea.

"She's a smart girl, but I'm an accomplished liar when it comes to women," proving that tending bar and screwing women over really can pay off in life.

The Immunity Challenge involved pushing huge blocks with clues on them, and then stacking them correctly in order to create a staircase by solving a puzzle......Or as I called it, "Ass-O-Rama."

Julia Landauer's ass.

Corinne Kaplan's ass.

Failing to learn from Brandon Hantz's mistake last week, several members of the new Bikal tribe learned that just having a sexy ass alone was of little help when it came to the game, and the new super tribe Gota ended up winning easily. 

Cochran seemed to noticed how dire the situation was when it came to the new tribes, especially with Malcolm bonding with Eddie and Reynold.

"They're forming The Bold and Beautiful...I don't see me necessarily penetrating that group."

Bikal initially discussed keeping Matt in the game for his athleticism, before realizing that Julia was a professional athlete and just as athletic as any male NASCAR driver or female golfer.

And recognizing the potential strength that Julia offered them once the tribes eventually merge since she was born a mute, they reluctantly voted the more popular heavy metal rocker Matt out of the game.

I can't say that I'd blame Matt Bischoff if he wanted to tell the Bikal Tribe, "Fuck You!" 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Carmoan - "I was going to pee in the beans"

Russell's Nephew began the episode by volunteering to be the next member of the Favorite's Tribe to go home in the event that they lost the Immunity Challenge, citing how he missed his family.

...And that officially made Brandon Hantz the only person in America who wanted to see more of the Hantz clan.

He also disclosed how he had considered sabotaging camp, telling the Favorites, "I was going to pee in the beans...My apologies, I'm sorry for the thought."

Of course, that's pretty much exactly what he claimed he was going to do in a pre-show interview, proving that his whole act was pre-meditated for the purposes of creating a reputation for TV.
In fact, the way Russell's Nephew wavered back and forth this season, it's almost as if he was looking for the perfect time to "snap."

That left the Fans Tribe skeptical of Russell's Nephew heading into the Reward Challenge, where it was Phillip who lead them to victory by holding the most weight for the longest as the tribes tried to load each other up with the most coconuts.

That didn't sit well with Russell's Nephew's ego. "Phillip Sheppard, this dumb ass spy agent...Thinks he won this challenge, and it's REALLY, REALLY pissing me off."

Of course, that neglected the fact of how that's exactly what happened, but being a DNA bearing member of the redneck Hantz clan, Russell's Nephew had to put some spin on losing to a black guy who wears pink underwear.

After refusing an apology from Russell's Nephew, Phillip warned him not to "bite the hand that feeds you."

That turned out to be the final straw, sending Russell's Nephew into his pre-planned psychotic meltdown stemming from being viewed as a pussy by his family the last time he appeared on the show just a little bit early.

"I don't need no old 54-year-old punk bitch telling me 'don't bite the hand that feeds you...I'M A HANTZ! I FEED ME!

And judging by Brandon Hantz' physique, or lack thereof, he's apparently been feeding himself pretty well.

Russell's Nephew then confronted Phillip by saying, "Can you drop the Stealth r' Us thing? I'm not the Conqueror. Nobody there is the Exterminator or Exterior...Nobody likes their fucking name! Nobody likes you!"

And when Phillip responded by saying, "Actually, it's a lot of fun for us," Russell's Nephew knew that he was the odd man and would never live up to uncle Russell's expectations for him when it came to playing the game.

So Brandon took a page from his Uncle Willie's playbook, who upon realizing that he was about to get voted out of the game on Big Brother, staged a pre-emptive violent tantrum to make it seem as if he took himself out of the game instead of getting voted out.

How much Ed Hardy gear is too much? According to douchebags like Russell and Brandon Hantz, there's really no limit.

Almost as if on cue, Russell's Nephew shouted, "Let me give you a reason," as he dumped the Favorite's supply of rice and beans into the dirt.

Surprisingly, Phillip seemed to run off into the woods, with no other male (Cough, cough - Malcolm) manning up and beat the ever loving bejesus out of Russell's short and dumpy little nephew.

Russell's Nephew then went Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear (after fighting off the hit planned by Nick Nolte's goons) by yelling, "I'M THE AUTHOR OF MY FATE BUDDY! I'M THE AUTHOR OF MY FATE! NOW VOTE ME OUT BITCH!"

Russell's Nephew's outburst caused the Fans to arrive at the Immunity Challenge and announce that they wanted to skip the competition and go straight to Tribal Council in order to vote Russell's Nephew out.

Things then started to get heated between Russell's Nephew and Phillip, with Russell's Nephew pointing out how Boston Rob had carried him to the end of the game the last time he played and how everyone makes fun of him.

After Jeff Probst called Russell's Nephew to a neutral corner to prevent Phillip from beating his ass, Russell's Nephew made a point of trying to convince America (and his family) that he left the game on his terms even though he was clearly getting voted out.

Russell's Nephew then confessed to Jeff that he had a rough time after having been evicted from the game the last time he played, which was his way of saying that his wife, mom and sisters all thought he was a giant pussy.

And after Russell's Nephew was unanimously voted out in an impromptu Tribal Council, Jeff informed him, "You're not going back to camp," and ushered him immediately out of the game to avoid liability.

Of course Russell's Nephew had to get in the final word by yelling, "PHILLIP, YOU'RE A BITCH," but only after he had already walked past him and never to return again...At least we can hope.

Russell's Nephew remained determined to spin being voted off in a positive light in hopes that his family won't shoot him like a coon hound that can't hunt.

"Us Hantz', we speak our mind, and that's something I can wear proudly...My exit was nice, it was glorious...I don't regret none of it. I was the author of my elimination."

Of course, there's a difference between going out on your own, and getting owned by someone like Phillip Sheppard. The Hantz family just doesn't seem to get that distinction.

Brandon Hantz...Peace out you little bitch!

Friday, April 5, 2013

The Bachelor Blog: "What do you think of Sean with his shirt off?"

The final episode began with one of Sean's toddler relatives bluntly telling him, "Emily didn't pick you!"

Of course, considering that Sean is a born again virgin and Emily Maynard is a born again NASCAR slut, that may not have been such a bad thing.

Upon meeting with Sean's parents in Thailand, Sean's mom approved of Catherine, but begged him not to get married...Which kind of negated her whole approval.

On the other hand, Sean's dad, who was like Ned Flanders cooler hippie father, was more than willing to marry off his only son when Catherine asked for his Sean's hand. "If it's cool with him, you got it baby!"

Lindsey also joined Sean in Thailand, but only for Sean to tell her that his heart was with someone else.

That left her free to go back home to resume substitute teaching...Because apparently Missouri has a glut of qualified full time teachers.

The much hyped "Letter to Sean" turned out to be as anti climatic as his "Fantasy Suite" dates.

As while America was lead to believe that Sean got left after proposing, it simply turned out to be a letter from Catherine declaring her love for him.

And after Catherine accepted Sean's proposal, they rode off on an elephant...Which promptly went crazy and killed them both, as all elephants do.

After two hours of torturing Lindsey, we moved on to "After The Final Rose," where Chris Harrison was just as eager to marry Sean off as his father was.

Chris joked by saying, "The best part about this is that I don't have to see you naked ever again," in reference to Sean's propensity to take off his shirt as soon as any camera appeared.

And with doubts that Catherine was not necessarily the marrying type, she informed Chris that she was ready to go straight to the courthouse with Sean, to which he responded that he was an ordained minister if they were ready to go right now.

Of course, that was just build up to a ABC wedding special for Sean and Catherine this summer, which will be preceded by a "very special pre-nuptial agreement signing," and followed by a "very shocking divorce petition."

Desiree Hartsock also showed up with hair extensions and being entirely too polite to Sean, which was a sure fire clue that she was being named the next Bachelorette, much to Tierra's dismay.