Saturday, August 4, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "It was actually very hard, I have bruises all over my legs"

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With Shane as HOH, Danielle, the love-struck southern belle had her dreams fulfilled when he offered to make a final two alliance with her.

Overlooking the fact that Shane had already broke his word and went against his alliance with Frank, Danielle gushed, "If Shane and I make it to the final two, I guess we'll have a week in the house alone."

Perhaps Danielle should take a cue from all of the pink wife-beaters Shane Meaney's been wearing and realize that he's into men, not women.

Dan tried to bring Danielle back to reality by saying, "Will you calm down...I command you to stop liking him...You're not going to date him when you get out of here. He's not your husband. He's not going to be your boyfriend. I'm just breaking it down for you."

When Danielle responded by saying, "I wasn't even thinking along those lines," Dan deadpanned, "Yeah, you were."

Mike Boogie asked Ashley if she was a "hippie chick," and her response was just as off-beat as everything else she says. "I'm kind of a modern day hippie...Which is kind of weird, because I kind of like rap music."

That conversation was a natural segue to the Coaches Competition, which was titled, "Let's get hippy."

That contest required the house guests to break out their best American Apparel wardrobe and dress in 80's style workout gear while thrusting their hips back and forth to hit a counter the most number of times.

Janelle could totally be an American Apparel model...She's already posed naked just like all the porn stars they hire to model their clothing.

That caused Janelle to complain, "This is one motion that I do not want to see Mike Boogie do. Gross," which is probably what a lot of people are saying about her in light of all the weight that she's gained since the last time she was on Big Brother.

While Ian was not as grossed out as Janelle was, he was still concerned for his coach. "Boogie is not doing so well. You know, he is an older gentleman...Boogie looks like he needs a hip replacement."

Janelle won the competition and ended up protecting Wil rather than trading one of her players for someone on another team.

When Connie Chung asked Janelle if winning was easy, she said, "It was actually very hard, I have bruises all over my legs," which in addition to her super flexible hips is exactly why she was able to land Vampire Diaries star Ian Somerhalder as one of her ex-boyfriends.

Janelle went on to brag, "I've won so many competitions in so many different ways in Big Brother, and now I've just won one using my tongue," which was odd because the contestants were supposed to use their hips. But so long as you get the job done, to each his/her own.

Staying loyal to his alliance with Frank, Shane nominated Ashley and Joe, apparently mistaking them for strong players in the game.

With two of Janelle's players on the block, Britney tried to talk to her to make sure that everything was okay. Much to Britney's amazement, Janelle told Britney that she wasn't upset.

"Janelle continues to surprise me in this game. She's not mad, she's not upset. Why should she be upset? We just nominated two of her players..."We're friends, she gets it...She is so freaking good at this game."

Janelle later explained how she doesn't ever really feel emotion, replying "No" when Britney asked her if she ever feels sad or gets "really happy." She also divulged that she never cries, not even at funerals.

No wonder Janelle shows no emotion...Girls lose their souls when they become strippers.

Joe was upset that Shane nominated him, yelling (as always), "BOY, YOU NEED TO LEARN SOME MANNERS IN THIS HOUSE!" Apparently the "indoor voice" chapter was missing when Joe read Emily Post...Fortunately, much like Joe's chances of winning the game, she's dead.

At the POV Competition, the contestants had to dress up on clown suits and keep two balls rolling on two opposite ramps without letting either of their balls fall to the ground, which was a huge advantage for Wil since he's really good at juggling balls. .

In response to the contestant's attire Britney said, "The only thing I don't understand is why Frank's the only one wearing a Bozo wig," officially putting her on The Red Mieni's list of people who are "Redjudice," or prejudice against us gingers.

After proclaiming that he would win the POV, Joe allowed Shane to defeat him for his third straight POV win. That caused Shane to proclaim to Britney, "You're so lucky you picked me," which is pretty much the exact same thing he said to Danielle...And every other girl he's ever dated.

As Britney and Joe waited in the HOH Room, Britney dreaded the conversation with Joe that she knew was forthcoming. "If I have to be in here for Joe's conversation I'll shoot myself in the face," as she did a dead on impersonation of him yelling when he talks.

Janelle tried to grovel for her team, offering her wedding ring and Chanel earrings to Britney and Shane to hold in the event that she broke her word and went against them.

Joe stepped up his game by proclaiming, "It is do or die time for Joe Arvin. Either I do or I die," which is kind of how those "do or die' options work by definition, at least for those of us who are not from Kentucky.

When Wil felt that Janelle disrespected him by saying that she was responsible for keeping him safe by protecting him after her win in the Coaches Competition, he stormed off like an angry bitch...Or more specifically, like Rachel Reilly.

That caused Joe to ask, "What is his deal?" Janelle initially responded by saying, "He's just a bitchy, bitchy guy."

However, Joe still asked Janelle to smooth things over with Wil in order to prevent him from jumping sides just to spite his coach.

As Janelle talked to Wil, she started to fake cry in order to try and manipulate him. "I will do or say anything to make sure that Wil is on board to vote out Frank this week, even if it means shedding a few fake tears."

Of course, Janelle failed to consider the fact that gay men are naturally immune to the power of fake boobies, so Wil wasn't having any of it. "Act I, Scene II, Insert water works. Crying, telling me everything that I wanted to hear...I'm not buying it, but I'll act along and pretend like we get along."

As his consolation prize from the Coaches Competition, Dan won a sushi party for 6. He invited the other three coaches, mainly because he didn't trust any of them being left alone in the house with the other contestants.

He also invited Danielle, who had never tried sushi before having grown up in Alabama, in an obvious effort to help kiss Shane's ass (if not other body parts) as HOH.

Meanwhile, Wil threw a less publicized party of his own inside the house for his birthday, which turned out to be the much more entertaining event of the two events...Kind of like when there are two different OSCAR after parties, with one featuring Mathew McConaughey, and the other one being a total downer thrown by Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.

Wil's party turned into a late 70's themed Dragshow: "Mork from Pork" meets "Captain and I kneel."

When a game of spin the bottle broke out, Danielle got her dream kiss with Shane, who rated it a "10.5," but only because he was put on the spot by Connie Chung when questioned about it in front of the entire house.

Ian was fucking thrilled when his first spin landed on his crush in Ashley, although he wasn't nearly as delusional as Danielle was. "I sensed a little hesitation on her part."

Britney approached Ian and asked him if he intended to put Shane on the block in the event that he won HOH next week.

When Ian waffled and said, "I don't see any foreseeable circumstance in which I would," Britney lost her trust in him, saying that she was looking for a "more definitive answer."

Seeing an opportunity, Shane and Britney concocted a plan for Shane to break his alliance with Frank and use his POV and back door Frank under the guise that Britney did not trust Ian and Boogie.

When Ian felt guilty for his actions that put Frank on the block, Frank told him, "They still have the power. You have to be absolutely no, or absolutely yes."

That caused Ian to say, "I just didn't want to write a check that I may not be able to cash," to which Boogie exclaimed, "This is the Big Brother house, YOU CAN BOUNCE CHECKS!"

At the Veto Meeting, Shane made a big time game play and used the POV on Ashley, and all but ended his alliance with Frank by putting him up as a replacement nominee.

That caused Mike Boogie to storm off and say, "I'm super annoyed...They took a shot at me, and as you know America, that usually doesn't end well for the other side," because Big Brother is apparently a game where people need to fear old, out of shape white guys.

And just as we thought that Boogie would lose Frank, Julie announced to the house that America had voted to give the coaches an opportunity to enter the game as players.

The only twist was that at least one of the coaches would have to consent by hitting a button to "re-set" the game or risk having an evicted house guest return, which was about much of a formality as Janelle letting one of her boobs popping out at some point during the season.

Yeah, act shocked Janelle...It's not like everyone with an internet connection hasn't seen a more than a nipple slip from you already.

Of course, all of the coaches voted to return to the game...That is, except for Mike Boogie, who told the cameras, "No thanks America, I'm good."

The contestants then immediately moved on to a new HOH Competition, with everyone eligible to compete since the game had been "re-set."

The Competition required the house guests to stand on the "plank" of a tilting pirate ship without falling off, which was made even more difficult by gusts of bad weather and other mysterious challenges, like fake seagull poop.

When the contestants got hit with a blast of  that white goo as the episode ended, Janelle, Wil and Boogie seemed to have the inside track for HOH as we awaited on the outcome in next Sunday's episode.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 3:

12. Mike Boogie - By being the only coach who was not willing to hit the "re-set" button and enter the game as a player, Boogie showed that he is too chicken shit to play the game on his own without the benefit of playing with Big Brother legend, "The Evil Dr. Will."

11. Dan Gheesling - All the football metaphors in the world won't help Dan get the target on his back for being a coach and former Big Brother champion, especially since his only remaining pupil is in love with Shane. While Dan has little chance of winning, separating himself from Danielle may not be such a bad thing.

10. Janelle Pierzina - As good as Janelle is at playing this game, you forget that she's just an ex-Playboy Playmate with a rap-sheet.

Sure enough, Janelle displayed little emotion in her mug shot for a DUI arrest in Minnesota...She was also arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's in California.

9. Britney Haynes - I don't understand why Britney clashed with Russell Hantz's brother, Willie. She got along with him just fine when his name was Lane Elenburg in Season 12.

8. Joe Arvin - I thought terrible chefs with annoying personalities went on Hell's Kitchen, not Big Brother. Oh well, I guess Joe's appearance on Big Brother is America's gain and Applebee's loss.

7. Jenn Arroyo - If Jenn got evicted from the Big Brother house, would she make a noise?

6. Wil Heuser - In honor of Chick-fil-A Appreciation Week, Danielle informed Wil that Chick-filatio is a gift from God, while Dude-filatio is just morally wrong.

5. Ian Terry - Ian makes my top five, if for no other reason than his man boobs.

I don't know how such a little guy like Ian Terry of Big Brother can have such nice man boobs, but I just want to juggle those little puppies.

4. Ashley Loco - Seriously, we need more of Ashley and less Mike Boogie. I'm going to pretend that they never kissed during "spin the bottle."

3. Danielle Murphree - Danielle is getting a little cocky in the Big Brother house, and when I say "cocky," I mean that Shane hasn't come close to letting her touch his penis. For now she appears safe, but I have a feeling that things are not going to end well for her...But at least she's not fat anymore, like she was when she was a kid.

2. Frank Eudy - Frank revealed to Boogie that his father was the legendary WCW wrestler "Sid Vicious." After watching his parents talk about Frank in a Big Brother interview, I'd say something along the lines of how his wrestling career didn't help him land a hot wife, but I don't really want Frank's dad tracking me down and beating my ass like he threatened to do to Willie.

Who am I kidding? I'm just as afraid of Frank's mom, Sabrina, as I am of his dad.

1. Shane Meaney - Much like he moves from home to home as a house-flipper, Shane is moving from house guest to house guest with his various alliances. The question remains whether or not the bottom will fall out of the market before he passes the STD that he picked up from JoJo on to Danielle.

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